Chapter I
BEGIN ANEW
“What’s the progress of the CHIBI’s degeneration?” Said an unknown figure. “It should not be too long sir.” Said another figure. “We just need to insert the alteration chemicals into their central neural systems to complete the process.” The figures are tall and thin and wearing white lab coats. They belong to a secret government organization called sector 88. The sector is responsible for the creation of advanced soldier training and weapons. The U.S. government had arranged a secret laboratory underneath the harbors of Tokyo. “Up the dosage” said the professor general. “But sir if we do that they could either die or become severely dangerous to humanity!” said Doctor Sinestra. “Just do it, or do you want me to do it on you?” Said Professor X. As the chemicals rushed into the pods they can hear the screams of the victims inside the pods. The people inside were teenagers captured by Sector 88 under the authority of the U.S. president and gave them a cover up for the disappearance’s of the three teens. They captured two men and a woman. The boy and girl are related. The captured teens are Balfang Van Claude, his sister Sakura Van Claude, and their best friend Jack Sinestra.
“Open the pod one immediately Doctor.” Said X. As the pod opens up girl came out. Her eyes showed no sign of tampering but in reality they have been enhanced with night and thermal imaging system. Her code name is CHIBI #085269. “Put the president on the line.” Said X. as the video came up on the screen a man was sitting at his desk. His name is George X. “This better be good son.” Said President X. “It is father, the project is complete.” Said Professor X. “We have made your CHIBI warriors.” “Let me see them” Said President X. “With pleasure sir.” Said Professor X as he turned the monitor towards the girl. “Initiate protocol 1854!” Said Professor X as he releases many of their prisoners. The girl instantly responded and went into action. In a couple of seconds all of the prisoners lay dead around her. “Magnificent my son. Now release the rest of them!” said the president. “Yes my father” Said X as he went to release the locks on the remaining pods to reveal two men. “Excellent I shall expect their arrival to the states in about three days.” Said the president and the screen immediately shut off and the scientists left the room.
As the three teens awakened from what it seemed to be a long sleep one of them finally spook. “Why does my head feel like it was crushed by a f***ing boulder?” said Jack rubbing his head in confusion. “Why are we trapped down here, we didn’t do anything to deserve this.” Exclaimed Sakura as she cleaned her hands of blood. “It seems that we have been somehow altered because I don’t remember you have bright blue hair sister. Said Balfang. “Well I think we should find a way out of here before those suits send us away to become tools of the government.” Said Jack as he concentrated his energy towards the door.
CRASH!!!!! The door fell down with a single punch. “Come on there’s no time to be quaking while those f***ing scientists might have heard that.” Said Jack. And the three of them ran but soon after a group of security surrounded them. “These guys should be easy!” Said Sakura as she prepares for an attack. “What’s with all of these f***ing stiffs?” Said Balfang as he kicked the security guards left and right. “They just keep coming.” “GO NOW; I shall hold them off while you two make your escape. I have just phoned in the rebellion group.” Said Jack as he picked up Balfang and sakura and threw them through the ceiling. “Go to the harbor and find a black jet boat, it will take you directly to the rebellion’s headquarters.” Said jack as he willingly gave in to the security. The two of them ran to the harbor to find a black Jet boat, just like what Jack had said. “Computer systems activated. Please state your names.” Said the computer guidance system. “Balfang Van Claude” said Balfang. “Sakura Van Claude” Said Sakura. “Where have you two been? It looks like you’ve been to a couple of fights with an army of wrestlers.” Said the computer as it sped towards the headquarters. “You know us?” Said Sakura in confusion. “Well of course I know you. You two were born in the rebellion headquarters.” Said the computer. “Wait, do you mean our parents are members of the rebellion?” Asked Balfang. “No they are not members of the rebellion because they are the founders and leaders of the hand of shadows rebellion!” Explained the Computer. By the time they arrived at the secret headquarters they were welcomed by cheers of the rebels celebrating their return from the government facility. “Welcome home my children.” Said a woman.
Split it into paragraohs. The giant block of text is killing both my eyes.
tl;dr.
Is this a valid post?
the chapter is fixed. i do not know why it does it. and yes it is valid.
It's too much
""....", said *person*" in there.
dont worry in the coming chapters there will be more action. right now since this is the begining it is nessesary to have people talk so the reader will get whats going on.
The Walls of text are blinding me.
the "wall of text is now fixed. you can now read it by paragraph.
It's still horribly formatted.
Go read a proper novel and learn something from it.
Horrible. Just horrible. To start off, improve your damn grammer. Then fix your spelling.
(11-03-2009 01:31 PM)kidchaor Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter I
BEGIN ANEW
“What’s the progress of the CHIBI’s degenerationI'm not sure you know what this word means. If they were trying to genetically engineer super soldiers, they would not be making them weaker than regular humans >_>?” Said an unknown figure. “It should not be too long sir.” Said another figure. “We just need to insert the alteration chemicals into their central neural systems to complete the process.”Injecting acid into their brain would just kill them. Should be the bloodstream, although that would still kill them >_> The figures are tall and thin and wearing white lab coatsYou could've incorporated this into the first Sentence by saying "A mysterious figure dressed in a lab coat. Also, there are other words to describe speaking besides said. They belong to a secret government organization called sector 88. The sector is responsible for the creation of advanced soldier training and weapons. The U.S. government had arranged a secret laboratory underneath the harbors of Tokyo.Subject verb, subject verb, subject verb, holy crap an adjective. Your sentence style is bland and repetitive. “Up the dosage” said the professor general. “But sir if we do that they could either die or become severely dangerous to humanity!”Super soldiers usually are dangerous to humanity, isn't that the point? said Doctor Sinestra. “Just do it, or do you want me to do it on you?”...so he's threatening to up the dosage while standing on top of the doctor? Or did you mean "to you"? Said Professor X. As the chemicals rushed into the pods they can hear the screams of the victims inside the podsRun on sentence. "Screaming emanated from the pods as the volatile mixture rushed in" sounds much better and less choppy. The people inside were teenagers captured by Sector 88 under the authority of the U.S. president and gave them a cover up for the disappearance’s of the three teens. They captured two men and a woman. The boy and girl are related. The captured teens are Balfang Van Claude, his sister Sakura Van Claude, and their best friend Jack Sinestra.Ridiculous amounts of repetition here. You don't need to say 2 men and a woman, we can figure it out from their names. You don't need to tell us they're related or that they're brother and sister due to their last names telling us this.
“Open the pod one immediately Doctor.” Said X. As the pod opens up the girl came out. Her eyes showed no sign of tampering but in reality they have been enhanced with night vision and a thermal imaging system. Her code name is CHIBI #085269We are never going to need to know this, unless a professor calls her by that, in which case we'd immediately figure out that it was her code name. “Put the president on the line.” Said X. as the video came up on the screen a man was sitting at his desk. His name is George X. “This better be good son.” Said President X. “It is, (commas when addressing people) father, the project is complete.” Said Professor X. “We have made your CHIBI warriors.” “Let me see them” Said President X. “With pleasure, sir.” Said Professor X as he turned the monitor towards the girl. “Initiate protocol 1854!” Said Professor X as he released many of their prisoners. The girl instantly responded and went into action. In a couple of seconds all of the prisoners lay dead around her. “Magnificent, my son. Now release the rest of them!” said the president. “Yes, my father” Said X as he went to released the locks on the remaining pods to reveal two men. “Excellent, I shall expect their arrival to the states in about three days.” Said the president and the screen immediately shut off and the scientists left the room.Extreme overusage of "and" here.
As the three teens awakenedawoke from what it seemed to be a long sleep, one of them finally spookspoke. “Why does my head feel like it was crushed by a f***ing boulder?” said Jack, rubbing his head in confusion. “Why are we trapped down here, we didn’t do anything to deserve this.! (exclamations have exclamation marks, shocking, I know)” Exclaimed Sakura as she cleaned her hands of bloodWith what? What is she cleaning her hands with?. “It seems that we have been somehow altered because I don’t remember you have having bright blue hair sister." Said Balfang. “Well I think we should find a way out of here before those suits send us away to become tools of the government.” Said Jack as he concentrated his energy towards the door. Are they psychic? How the hell did they go from "What's going on?" to having a complete understanding of the situation?
CRASH!!!!! The door fell down with a single punch. “Come on, there’s no time to be quaking.....wut? while those f***ing scientists might have heard that.”IS he going to drop an f-bomb every other sentence? Said Jack. And the three of them ran, but soon after, a group of security guards? robots? gerbils? be specific. surrounded them. “These guys should be easy!” Said Sakura as she prepared for an attack. “What’s with all of these f***ing stiffs?”....yep. Said Balfang as he kicked the security guards left and right. “They just keep coming.” “GO NOW; I shall hold them off while you two make your escape. I have just phoned in the rebellion group.”Where the hell did he get a phone? And how did they learn about this rebellion group? Said Jack as he picked up Balfang and Sakura and threw them through the ceiling. “Go to the harbor and find a black jet boat, it will take you directly to the rebellion’s headquarters.” Said Jack as he willingly gave in to the security. The two of them ran to the harbor to find a black Jet boat, just like what Jack had said.What the hell is a jet boat? If you're referring to the color jet, it's the same thing as black and you're being redundant. “Computer systems activated. Please state your names.” Said the computer guidance system. “Balfang Van Claude” said Balfang. “Sakura Van Claude” Said Sakura. “Where have you two been? It looks like you’ve been to a couple of fights with an army of wrestlers.” Said the computer as it sped towards the headquarters. “You know us?” Said Sakura in confusion. “Well of course I know you. You two were born in the rebellion headquarters.” Said the computer. “Wait, do you mean our parents are members of the rebellion?” Asked Balfang. “No they are not members of the rebellion because they are the founders and leaders of the hand of shadows rebellion!” Explained the Computer. By the time they arrived at the secret headquarters they were welcomed by cheers of the rebels celebrating their return from the government facility. “Welcome home my children.” Said a woman....and the protagonists' transition to god-mode Sues is complete.
Edits and comments in bold.
(11-03-2009 04:46 PM)Amethyst Phoenix Wrote: [ -> ] (11-03-2009 01:31 PM)kidchaor Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter I
BEGIN ANEW
“What’s the progress of the CHIBI’s degenerationI'm not sure you know what this word means. If they were trying to genetically engineer super soldiers, they would not be making them weaker than regular humans >_>?” Said an unknown figure. “It should not be too long sir.” Said another figure. “We just need to insert the alteration chemicals into their central neural systems to complete the process.”Injecting acid into their brain would just kill them. Should be the bloodstream, although that would still kill them >_> The figures are tall and thin and wearing white lab coatsYou could've incorporated this into the first Sentence by saying "A mysterious figure dressed in a lab coat. Also, there are other words to describe speaking besides said. They belong to a secret government organization called sector 88. The sector is responsible for the creation of advanced soldier training and weapons. The U.S. government had arranged a secret laboratory underneath the harbors of Tokyo.Subject verb, subject verb, subject verb, holy crap an adjective. Your sentence style is bland and repetitive. “Up the dosage” said the professor general. “But sir if we do that they could either die or become severely dangerous to humanity!”Super soldiers usually are dangerous to humanity, isn't that the point? said Doctor Sinestra. “Just do it, or do you want me to do it on you?”...so he's threatening to up the dosage while standing on top of the doctor? Or did you mean "to you"? Said Professor X. As the chemicals rushed into the pods they can hear the screams of the victims inside the podsRun on sentence. "Screaming emanated from the pods as the volatile mixture rushed in" sounds much better and less choppy. The people inside were teenagers captured by Sector 88 under the authority of the U.S. president and gave them a cover up for the disappearance’s of the three teens. They captured two men and a woman. The boy and girl are related. The captured teens are Balfang Van Claude, his sister Sakura Van Claude, and their best friend Jack Sinestra.Ridiculous amounts of repetition here. You don't need to say 2 men and a woman, we can figure it out from their names. You don't need to tell us they're related or that they're brother and sister due to their last names telling us this.
“Open the pod one immediately Doctor.” Said X. As the pod opens up the girl came out. Her eyes showed no sign of tampering but in reality they have been enhanced with night vision and a thermal imaging system. Her code name is CHIBI #085269We are never going to need to know this, unless a professor calls her by that, in which case we'd immediately figure out that it was her code name. “Put the president on the line.” Said X. as the video came up on the screen a man was sitting at his desk. His name is George X. “This better be good son.” Said President X. “It is, (commas when addressing people) father, the project is complete.” Said Professor X. “We have made your CHIBI warriors.” “Let me see them” Said President X. “With pleasure, sir.” Said Professor X as he turned the monitor towards the girl. “Initiate protocol 1854!” Said Professor X as he released many of their prisoners. The girl instantly responded and went into action. In a couple of seconds all of the prisoners lay dead around her. “Magnificent, my son. Now release the rest of them!” said the president. “Yes, my father” Said X as he went to released the locks on the remaining pods to reveal two men. “Excellent, I shall expect their arrival to the states in about three days.” Said the president and the screen immediately shut off and the scientists left the room.Extreme overusage of "and" here.
As the three teens awakenedawoke from what it seemed to be a long sleep, one of them finally spookspoke. “Why does my head feel like it was crushed by a f***ing boulder?” said Jack, rubbing his head in confusion. “Why are we trapped down here, we didn’t do anything to deserve this.! (exclamations have exclamation marks, shocking, I know)” Exclaimed Sakura as she cleaned her hands of bloodWith what? What is she cleaning her hands with?. “It seems that we have been somehow altered because I don’t remember you have having bright blue hair sister." Said Balfang. “Well I think we should find a way out of here before those suits send us away to become tools of the government.” Said Jack as he concentrated his energy towards the door. Are they psychic? How the hell did they go from "What's going on?" to having a complete understanding of the situation?
CRASH!!!!! The door fell down with a single punch. “Come on, there’s no time to be quaking.....wut? while those f***ing scientists might have heard that.”IS he going to drop an f-bomb every other sentence? Said Jack. And the three of them ran, but soon after, a group of security guards? robots? gerbils? be specific. surrounded them. “These guys should be easy!” Said Sakura as she prepared for an attack. “What’s with all of these f***ing stiffs?”....yep. Said Balfang as he kicked the security guards left and right. “They just keep coming.” “GO NOW; I shall hold them off while you two make your escape. I have just phoned in the rebellion group.”Where the hell did he get a phone? And how did they learn about this rebellion group? Said Jack as he picked up Balfang and Sakura and threw them through the ceiling. “Go to the harbor and find a black jet boat, it will take you directly to the rebellion’s headquarters.” Said Jack as he willingly gave in to the security. The two of them ran to the harbor to find a black Jet boat, just like what Jack had said.What the hell is a jet boat? If you're referring to the color jet, it's the same thing as black and you're being redundant. “Computer systems activated. Please state your names.” Said the computer guidance system. “Balfang Van Claude” said Balfang. “Sakura Van Claude” Said Sakura. “Where have you two been? It looks like you’ve been to a couple of fights with an army of wrestlers.” Said the computer as it sped towards the headquarters. “You know us?” Said Sakura in confusion. “Well of course I know you. You two were born in the rebellion headquarters.” Said the computer. “Wait, do you mean our parents are members of the rebellion?” Asked Balfang. “No they are not members of the rebellion because they are the founders and leaders of the hand of shadows rebellion!” Explained the Computer. By the time they arrived at the secret headquarters they were welcomed by cheers of the rebels celebrating their return from the government facility. “Welcome home my children.” Said a woman....and the protagonists' transition to god-mode Sues is complete.
Edits and comments in bold.
...and these are just the plot errors. Srsly kid, lrn2write.
If there is a Prologue, then please post it.
Otherwise, this might me in the wrong section.
srsly i do not know y i bothered even sharing this with a bunch of idiots who does not appreciate my hard work.
(11-03-2009 07:27 PM)kidchaor Wrote: [ -> ]srsly i do not know y i bothered even sharing this with a bunch of idiots who does not appreciate my hard work.
H...hard work?
Don't make me laugh.
Your better off reading better Fan Fic.
Heck, I don't believe you ever dropped by there.
you just proved my point. i work all day and put a lot of thought into making a novel and i don't even get one positive feedback from you ungrateful flamers. i am going to have to remember that when you did something your proud of doing for me to totally flame it. if you don't like it here's some advice:
DO NOT RESPOND! easy as that
Good God. D:
(11-03-2009 02:48 PM)Scarlet Wrote: [ -> ]Horrible. Just horrible. To start off, improve your damn grammer. Then fix your spelling.
This guy doesn't even know grammar is spelled with an "ar" and he thinks this is bad.
(11-03-2009 08:53 PM)kidchaor Wrote: [ -> ]you just proved my point. i work all day and put a lot of thought into making a novel and i don't even get one positive feedback from you ungrateful flamers. i am going to have to remember that when you did something your proud of doing for me to totally flame it. if you don't like it here's some advice:
DO NOT RESPOND! easy as that
K, totally flame this if you want:
http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-...age-1.html
(11-03-2009 08:57 PM)Corporal Atlas Wrote: [ -> ] (11-03-2009 08:53 PM)kidchaor Wrote: [ -> ]you just proved my point. i work all day and put a lot of thought into making a novel and i don't even get one positive feedback from you ungrateful flamers. i am going to have to remember that when you did something your proud of doing for me to totally flame it. if you don't like it here's some advice:
DO NOT RESPOND! easy as that
K, totally flame this if you want:
http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-163744-page-1.html
This is pure Fan-Fic work.
Yours is just...1 big block of text with no plot at all.
Stop making novels, k?
(11-03-2009 07:27 PM)kidchaor Wrote: [ -> ]srsly i do not know y i bothered even sharing this with a bunch of idiots who does not appreciate my hard work.
We're a bunch of idiots?
WE are the idiots? You can't even construct a proper sentence, yet we're the idiots. *shakes head*
![[Image: 02254epic.png?1255085431]](http://cdn3.knowyourmeme.com/i/22007/small/02254epic.png?1255085431)