Yugioh Card Maker Forum

Hi guys. New fan fic. My last one was my first, so expect this to be much better. This fan fic is full of, killing, betrayal and of corse, VENGEANCE! Just be warned! Anyway at the end of every episode I will ask questions that you won't know the answer to. This is because it will hopefully make you read on. Please comment. Also, though I hate to hear negative comments, if you think I can improve please tell me how. Thank you.

Characters (Click to View)

Prologue (Click to View)

Episode 001 (Click to View)

Episode 002 (Click to View)

EPISODE 003- Birth of The Beast (Coming Soon)

Wow.............that is all I can say.......wow I'll keep reading on it is awesome. nice work

Aww, I liked Daisuke. He seemed much like the Skurai-type of villain that I just love.

However, back to the topic. There are quite many mistypes, such as "Prologe", "Vicous", or "Deadroot". Through the eyes of the critic, many sentences have an odd word here and that makes it hard to read without feeling like that there's a leech inside your temples, sucking out all the fun.

Ok, I have edited all the mistakes you have pointed out. Anymore? And what exactly would make it good because I have worked hard on this.

Ok, I'll provide some examples of the "bad flow" sentences:

Example One (Click to View)

Example Two (Click to View)

Thanks alot, i'll edit it now. Do you mind if i use:

Suddenly, Daisuke heard a roar from somewhere far away. He looked up.

"You dare ruin the lives of my people?"

It was King Jowel himself, wearing the royal silver-embued armor suit.

I like that alot. Anyway, thanks for the help. I will try to make my episodes more like this. I must thank you. Unless its a positive comment, this is the type of comment I wanted, thanks.

It's ok. I just noticed something, though. If you use Olde Englishe in a sentence, fulfill it. Instead of "thou shall" use "thou shalt".

Episode 001- Payback!

The chronicle initiates with the youthful, growing, juvenile boy named Jowel Glory. He is a young eighteen year-old boy with a passion for dueling. Jowel is a tall lad with glamorous flowing, spikey brown hair and exquisite brown eyes. Quite handsome and attractive indeed but thats not all. Being the son of multi billionaire called Gladwyn Glory, who owns a company named Glory Corparation, its no suprise that he bursting with riches. His father was once a champion, unbeaten, firstrate duelist untill he moved onto the world of bussiness. However he is now hosting a duel tournament in a matter of months. So you can just imagine how good Jowel's dueling skill are. Just imagine his deck, it must be packed with rare cards. Its not just Jowel's father, his mother is also famous and prosperous. She is a very succesfull card designer who only makes the best of cards. Its no suprise Jowel's deck has many new and powerful cards. Next his younger brother, Steven. He is a twelve year-old boy who is a very talented duelist. There house, as you can imagine, is the biggest in the world. Thirty bed rooms! After getting dressed, he and his little brother were in the middle of a friendly duel.
Steven- LP 3200- 3 cards in hand
Monsters= 1- Mythical Shining Dragon (ATK/3000)
Spells & Traps= 2 face down
Jowel- LP 1150- 0 cards in hand
Monsters= 0
Spells & Traps= 0

"NO!" moaned Jowel, as he saw his defeat.

"Go! Mythical Shining Dragon (ATK/3000)
, finish him! Attack!" Steven roared, as a huge smile showed up on his checky face.

Mythical Shining Dragon (Click to View)

The dragon took flight in the air and charged at Jowel, dropping his life points to zero.

Jowel- LP 0

The hologram of the dragon disappeared.

"Man! Your such a strong duelist. Good thing your not going to enter dad's tournament!" wailed Jowel.

"Thanks and I have a gift for you".

"For me?" asked Jowel.

Steven took a card off his duel disk. It was the Mythical Shining Dragon

"You not serious, are you Steven?"

"I am. Dad's tournament is in three months and well, i'm too young to enter and I want you to win. So, take it."

"I-can't"

"Go on"

"Ok thanks, little bro." said Jowel.

A massive noise suddenly burst. Jowel and Steven looked at the door.

"Hey Jowel! Are you coming or what?"

It was Jowel's best friend, Hunter. They say that Hunter was one of the most poorest people, in the country. His father was loaded with money untill his stupidity lead to gambling. Soon, he lost all his wealth and so did his family. He and his family were forced to live on the streets. Hunter's family couldn't handle it, so they perished. But Hunter still lived. Then he met Jowel and here he is today.

"Hold on Hunter!" yelled Jowel.

"Where are you going?" Steven asked.

"Oh, just going out. Don't worry your not going to be alone in the house. Remeber the security guards? Anyway bye!"

"Bye" Steven said.

They both waved goodbye. Of corse nothing bad would happen...or would it?

"What are you doing!??!?! AHHHHHH!!!!!"

3 HOURS LATER..

Jowel returned home as happy as ever. He opened the door and headed up to Steven's room. He slowly opened the door.

"Hey Steven, guess what! I got a new booster pack and I g-"

Jowel paused. There lying on the floor was Steven, dead. Blood was scattered across the room with no-one in sight. Tears suddenly shot out of Jowel's eyes. He fell flat on the ground and cried extreamly hard. Think. What if your brother died?

"B-Br" Jowel struggled to speak.

Jowel managed to get up. He went to his dead brother.

"No! NO! NOOOO!!!!!" cried Jowel.

Jowel could not stop crying for one second. The pain was excruciating.

"STEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jowel cried.

He shook Steven's head as hard as he could but it was no use, he was dead.

"SPEAK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!! PLEASE!!!" Jowel screamed.

Suddenly, Mr Bernard, a security guard came crashing into the room.

"Hey Jowel what wron-. Oh my goodness!! Chuck! Get an ambulance!!

So, one son of the great Gladwyn Glory dies. *Sniffle*

3 MONTHS LATER.....

Jowel stood in front of his brother's grave, crying. He took out Steven's deck and held it high.

"Brother, i'm sorry for leaving you. I never got to tell you how much I loved you. I'll use your deck and The Mythical Shining Dragon to win Dad's tournament. Inspecter Cline will find the guy that killed you. If not, I won't stop untill that person is brought to justice!"
____________________________
Who killed Steven Glory? And why?
Will the Inspector, Mr Cline catch them? Or will Jowel? Or will they even be caught?
And what about Gladwyn's tournament?
How did the culpret get past security? Was it one of the security guards?
Find out next episode!

Epic for a first chapter. Actually, too epic. Feels more like prologue material.

Only two people commented! Please someone else comment!

Alright heres my notes (im not that good at english btw i jus know what to do no imagination lol):

-When you write dont think as if your telling the reader what is happening, show them like this : instead of saying 'He was terified of the beast' for example say 'a bead of sweat trikled down his cheekand he stood there shking as the great shadow loomed above him' plz excuse my spelling and punctuation.

-also you write as if its a movie try the reactions realistic and not to over the top.

Hope i helped Smile

realy liked it but why did youb stopp doing call of darkness

This is certainly way better than your previous one,I will support you all the way with this one.

BTW,if you want characters,I can pump them in. (What fun would a toury be if there are only a few people thee?)

Thanks for the comments. Two new characters added. Thank lord whye.

My pleasure,Dimension Lord.I would love to see how you do this fanfic this time round.

Episode 002- Dark Contract

Jowel's essence was empty. Without his brother he felt no reason to live. He took out a card from his pocket, held it and started to cry.

"AHH!!! Help!"

Jowel heard a cry of help and there he saw a rough looking man, wearing dark clothes and a mask restraining a young lad while treatening to murder him with a knife.

"Oh my god!" responded Jowel.

"You give me the money!" roared the huge man.

"No!" the boy repiled while tears shot out of his eyes.

"Get your damn hands of that boy!" Jowel said, angrily.

With no irresolution he punched the man dropping him to his knees. The young lad quickly ran and stood by Jowel.

"Run, i'll handle him" said Jowel.

"No! Are you crazy? He could kill you!" shrieked the boy.

"You son of a -- !!!" roared the man.

Jowel quickly used his anger and agony to stabb the man with a knife. He aimed for the chest but it hit his arm.

"AHHHH" screamed the man in pain as he fell to the floor.

A police car suddenly rushed at the scene. A police officer got out of the car, he seemed to be in a bad mood.

"What the hell is going on here?" asked the police man.

"This criminal tried to kill this guy" Jowel answered.

The criminal was soon arrested. The boys were set free.

"So, uh whats your name?" asked Jowel.

"Rex Gigantis" answered the boy.

"You a duelist?"

"Yeah, i'm entering the tournament thats going to be held tomorrow"

"Hey, thats my dad's tournament.

"Wait, your Jowel Glory?

"Yeah"

"Glad to meet you"

"You have signed up, right?

"Yeah, I have"

"No, I mean you've done your duel, right?"

"What duel?!?!?!"

"Don't you know? To enter you need to have a duel. If you win you can enter. Since i'm Gladwyn's son I don't need to go through that crap"

"Oh no! I better get going! So you later, dude!" rushed Rex.

Meanwhile...

Inspector Cline was busy asking the guards about what happened to Steven Glory.

"I seriously have no idea about what happened to Steven" said Mr Bernard.

"Oh?" replied Inspector Cline.

"Yes, I was sitting on the toilet doing some-"

"Too much info!" said Cline.

"Yes sir, Phil Chuck was supposed to be guarding Sir Steven." told Mr Bernard.

"But sir, I went to get pizza" said Phil.

"Pizza! You went to get pizza!" roared Cline.

"Spicey pizza" corrected Phil.

"Oh, shut the hell up! An eighteen year-old boy is devastated because his younger brother was murdered, just because you guys didn't do your job properly. Or did one of you murder him for a promotion?"

A guard who isn't as much of an idiot steped up.

"Sir, remember Gladwyn is hosting a tournament. Maybe this crime is related to that?"

"Could be but I can't take any chances, your all under arrest!"

Meanwhile...

Hunter was getting ready for his entrance duel.

"Oh, hello Hunter" said a man.

"Who are you?" Hunter asked.

"I know about your gift."

"More like a curse!"

"Join me"

"Who are you?"

Hunter asked again but was ignored.

"Can you help take it away?" asked Hunter.

"No, you were destined to wield it. Remember! 8000 years ago!"

"Yes..I remember"

"Good then you know what is to come. Join me."

"Ok but what's your name?"

"Diasuke"
___________________________
What happened 8000 years ago?
Why was Rex attacked?
What is Hunter's gift?
Find out next episode!

more & more foreshadowing,you have really improved.I am excited to imagine your duels now.

Thanks, I guess I should thank you.

Please,it's you who wrote the fanfic.I just gave you the characters & encouragement,but you breathed life into the story & let it be vibrant.I'll help you with this by supplying more characters.

Ok, thanks. During my last fanfic I got alot of comments when I offered reps. Here I don't offer reps and it's quite. Hmm...

Spire

Immortal_Deity_Stratos

Umbra

Spire

Umbra

Spire

Umbra

Spire

Umbra

Spire

Sheepmaker

Gladiator

Wyhe

Spire

Wyhe

Spire

Wyhe

Spire

Wyhe

Spire