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Full Version: Yu-Gi-Oh Key of the Mind (Ch.79 Flight of the Raven UP)
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Characters for fanfic:
Good Guys (Click to View)
Note: I have changed the characters slightly to fit the loose ends of my story together.

Prologue

There are 2 groups of the Homo Sapiens AKA the human race: the Homo Normas AKA the regular beings & the Homo Superius AKA the Psychics. They possess powers that people could only imagine. No one truly knows of their origins, but it was said to be related with the so-called "Shadow Games" played by the Nameless Pharaoh, who might had been an early Psychic himself. Throughout time, Psychics have kept themselves hidden from the world. In the year of 2060, the knowledge of the Psychics were known to the public. Some welcomed the Psychics, but there were a few who believed their presense to be a threat to the world. Soon, a secret plan & order was made to eradicate the whole world of the Psychics. Psychics everywhere were prosecuted by the masses, the church & governments. They were rounded up to be killed or simply killed on the spot. No one was spared from this fate, not even a little girl...

"Run!" shouted an adult woman as she held a girl's hand tightly.

In the distant & quiet town of Oregeorgia, a chase began. The townspeople were carrying weapons of all kinds. A man who seems to be leading the chase shouted, "Men, charge & rid us of these evils!" The people simply followed the command blindly.

"Arg...you forced me," cried the running woman as she turned around & her eyes glowed for a moment as the earth forms a barrier between her & the townspeople. The townspeople were forced to go another way for they cannot let the "witch" escape.

A few hours later, inside a deserted church, the woman & girl took refuge in it. The girl grew tired & took a nap. Later, a couple & another child walked into the church. They apparently expected the mother & child there.

"Cassandra, are you willing to do..." asked the man, only to be interrupted.

"Certainly, just take care of Clair for me," the woman called Cassandra said, "in these times, she's not safe with..."

Her speech was cut short by a vision: There, she saw the townspeople all marching towards the church.

Her facial expression turned to one of fear & said to the couple there, "The prosecutors are coming towards us! You guys leave now with Clair, while I distract them."

The other woman then said, "Please! There's another way...", but was interrupted by Cassandra as she formed a dome-shaped mold for the them as she went outside to confront the mob.

"Look at the church gate! It's the witch!" shouted 1 townsman.

The whole crowd soon gave chase. Cassandra then charged head-on at the crowd. The leader of the group took out a pistol & shot Cassandra at her chest. She paused for a moment before collapsing. The mob cheered & marched back town in triumph as they vanquished an evil.

Just then, the earth molds broke apart & the couple inside there went out & saw Cassandra lying dead on the ground. They wept for her.

"We can't let her sacrifice be in vain, let's take Clair with us," said the woman.

"But it had to be done secretly or else..." said the man as he took the sleeping girl & guided her & the other girl into a car. It then took off to the road.

Info on Next Chapter
Clair: For the last 10 years, I have stayed in the basement of Uncle Louis & Aunt Layla. I'm grown up now & it's high-time that I come out & show my face to the world. Next on Yu-Gi-Oh Key of the Mind, Chapter 1-Fight for the Light!
Penny: Come on, Clair. If you want your freedom, you gotta earn it first.

(Clair lying on her bed, feeling very bored)
(Clair holding her deck, with Mental Master at the top & its Spirit form near Clair herself)
(Penny drawing a card)
(A burst of light appears & engulfed the whole field as an shadowed monster appears)
Cool i control dimmensions ^^

It's Great! for a start anyway!

I look forward to the Pilot issue of Yu-Gi-Oh Key of the Mind
Poke Wrote:Cool i control dimmensions ^^

It's Great! for a start anyway!

I look forward to the Pilot issue of Yu-Gi-Oh Key of the Mind
reference from your D.D Deck,but don't get too excited.
The power is currently limited & drains a lot of energy in the process.
Thats what I call a prolouge. Great work! If this phychic were getting killed, why didn't they fight back? Really good and interesting. About time you wrote your own fanfic. But too early to give you a rate yet. Keep up to good work.
Well he said that using the powers can drain their energy plus they're a lot of people after them.
this is indeed an interesting start to a fan fic. and i do see potential, so i am going to go into as much detail as possible to help with further chapters, if thats alright with you. ^_^

One thing i noticed a lot was that you rush what you want to happen. This is easy to do, but remember that it takes a whole lot less time to read a sentence then it takes to write it.

and another thing i noticed was that your dialogue between the characters seems half finished. You dont have very many words, and those that you do write seem to not finish a thought. This might be because you want it that way, or you have the connecting words in your mind, and it would make sense to you. You just have to remember to think from the perspective of another person, like someone here on the forum, and think: would they understand this the way i have written it?

now dont get downhearted. I am only trying to help, and i think that you have a really good start to your fan fic, you just need to slow down, and add more dialogue. ^_^

when you do this, it will be spot on.

i hope i helped with this, because i so see potential in this fan fic, and with your writing.

-Kale
Great Fanfic man

i knew it would be awesome

keep up the good work Smile

P.S. i'll pm the decklist today

oh and i forgot in the character bio, could Marin be second in command in the Organization

Great Fanfic
Kale: Thanks for the advice,that's why I PMed you in the 1st place.
Healing an telepathy hey? Sounds pretty good to me.

ok, now that's out of the way, the prologue...

Thinking about the story, it is marginally like X-Men and Mutants...

Seriously though, the prologue was nice, i like the brief summary of what is going on.

Another thing i like is the mob and the 'witch'. It is so much like the dark ages, shows how humanity has changed surprisingly little...

But then there was the gun Smile

so yeah, going great.
Aelsthla-Mental Wrote:Healing an telepathy hey? Sounds pretty good to me.

ok, now that's out of the way, the prologue...

Thinking about the story, it is marginally like X-Men and Mutants...

Seriously though, the prologue was nice, i like the brief summary of what is going on.

Another thing i like is the mob and the 'witch'. It is so much like the dark ages, shows how humanity has changed surprisingly little...

But then there was the gun Smile

so yeah, going great.
yeah,I based it off like that show
The "witch" thing clearly shows that the plan to eradicate psychics was so rampart that it drove men to their primal states.
Raviel Priest WYHE Wrote:Kale: Thanks for the advice,that's why I PMed you in the 1st place.

your welcome. ^_^

And if you would like more advise, dont hesitate to ask. ^_^
Kale Wrote:
Raviel Priest WYHE Wrote:Kale: Thanks for the advice,that's why I PMed you in the 1st place.

your welcome. ^_^

And if you would like more advise, dont hesitate to ask. ^_^
After seeing your fanfic,I'll willing to ask a veteran for any advice. I'm trying to get Chapter 1 written so far. It'll be out by the end of the week or next week.
Raviel Priest WYHE Wrote:
Kale Wrote:
Raviel Priest WYHE Wrote:Kale: Thanks for the advice,that's why I PMed you in the 1st place.

your welcome. ^_^

And if you would like more advise, dont hesitate to ask. ^_^
After seeing your fanfic,I'll willing to ask a veteran for any advice. I'm trying to get Chapter 1 written so far. It'll be out by the end of the week or next week.

a veteran? Dont make me sound old.... XD I am still a teenager, afterall....

And it is the same for my next chapter, although I think it will be done before Friday.

Good luck with writing your chapter. ^_^
Kale Wrote:
Raviel Priest WYHE Wrote:
Kale Wrote:
Raviel Priest WYHE Wrote:Kale: Thanks for the advice,that's why I PMed you in the 1st place.

your welcome. ^_^

And if you would like more advise, dont hesitate to ask. ^_^
After seeing your fanfic,I'll willing to ask a veteran for any advice. I'm trying to get Chapter 1 written so far. It'll be out by the end of the week or next week.

a veteran? Dont make me sound old.... XD I am still a teenager, afterall....

And it is the same for my next chapter, although I think it will be done before Friday.

Good luck with writing your chapter. ^_^
You're still an expert in fanfics,and I respect that.
thankyou for that compliment. ^_^

I do appreciate that as well.
Hooooooray, I like it up to know (nd I'm pretty sure I'll like it more and more)

And totally for got about something about my character, his powers, he can control the people's feelings, he can mke someone to feel very very sad and in a second make the same person feel like the happiest person ever. Normally he uses his power to make the people around him feel scared and insecure, that way no one get near him.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR CHAPTER 1!!!
added the powers & added 1 more character of my creation
SO, when is chapter 1? I can't wait... Smile
lalolalo Wrote:SO, when is chapter 1? I can't wait... Smile
I should have it done by the end of the week,if not next week.
Is it possible to have a seconded character?
I know it just started but i am curious.
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