Yu-Gi-Oh! Rise of Shadows: Prolouge is Edited

[Łεσ™]

Welcome to My Fan-Fiction. About every week or so i will have a new Chapter. If you could take it easy a bit on me and help on my writing skills it would be appreaciated. I am not the best writer in the world. So lets Start With the Characters.

Michael Beach (Click to View)

Picture
Deck
Personality:
~ He is an outgoing person.
~ He is really helpful. Helps his friends whenever they need help.
~ He never backs down from a fight even he is probably going to lose.
Background:
~ Know to make some grammer errors from time to time.
~ He got a C in English during his last School year.

Chris McDospher (Click to View)

Picture: N/A
Deck: N/A
Personality:
~ He is a calm, laid back guy.
~ Not really energetic.
~ He is very intelligent.
~ During a duel he always has a trick up his sleeve in a Duel.
~ He is a very good competitor under pressure.
Background:
~Has received High Honors in his School every year he has been at his School.

Daniel Domosko (Click to View)

Picture: N/A
Deck: N/A
Personality:
~A big prankster.
~ He uses his cunning and strategy to trick his opponent into making wrong decisions.
~ He likes to make a big finale to suprise his opponent in a duel.
Background:
~ He has created some of the biggest school pranks in his schools history.
~ He once set up an string trick which invloved tieing strings from one side of the hallway to another. It created the biggest after school traffic jam ever.

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Prolouge (Click to View)

It was the middle of the night. Michael and his friends Daniel and Chris were at Michael’s house. They were dueling in the living room, practicing for a local duel tournament. It was Michael’s turn in a duel versus Chris.

“With my Iceland Scriptual Fighter now in play you don’t have a chance,” said Michael with so much confidence it made Chris laugh.

“Yeah Michael I would have so much confidence. You do know that Chris likes to pull off last minute surprises,” Daniel said knowing that Michael wasn’t listening.

“Yes. I know you still think you are going to win, but you forgot about my face down or did…” Chris couldn’t finish. There was a loud noise from outside Michael’s house.

“Why don’t we go check it out?” asked Michael.

“Agreed,” Chris said as he and Daniel followed Michael out the door.

When they got outside they found a small helicopter of sorts landing in front of Michael’s house. A dark figure in a white cloak walked out of the helicopter.

“Hello. I have a question for you. Am I in Kansas City?” the dark figure asked.

“Yes. You are in Kansas City,” said Michael as responding to the guy’s question.

“Thanks for your assistance. It is appreciated,” the white cloaked figure said.

“Before you leave can you tell me your name?” Michael asked the man curiously.

“My name is Dmitri. I have come for the local duel tournament,” Dmitri said as he went on his way.

“Hmm. He seems like a pretty odd guy to say the least,” Daniel said as they went back into the house.

“No kidding.” Chris added as they went to continue with there duel.

Chapter 1 will be posted when Michaels Deck is Completed. Sorry for not completing it =/.

[Kendo Fish]

(10-15-2009 04:43 PM)Łεσ™ Wrote:  More to Come. This is being started on right now.
That doesn't sound good. Did you just type it in the New Thread box?

Prolouge PROLOGUE (Click to View)

It was the middle of the night. Michael and his friends Daniel and Chris where WERE (have you ever heard someone say "They WHERE in a house"!?) having a dueling party at his house. Dueling party? Wha? That just sounds...odd. Who holds DUELING PARTIES? And what's this house look like? Comfortable? Wooden? A public urinal? It was Michael APOSTROPHE s turn.

“With my Iceland Scriptual Fighter you will not have a chance,” declared Michael. He sounds so wooden, thanks to the use of no contractions whatsoever. And...a SCRIPTUAL fighter from Iceland? Scriptual's not even a real word, is it? And are they dueling, or perhaps using the public urinal at the same time? Whoops, now I'm disturbed.

“Yes I know your Iceland dude is tough and all but you forgot about my face down or did…” Chris couldn’t finish. Good, because he doesn't use ANY commas in this long sentence, making his sound GROSS. There was a big bang from the outside of...what I can only assume is the outside of the house, but I REALLY don't know..

“Let’s go check it out,” declared Michael. Why are they always DECLARING? Not everything you say is a declaration. That's for the important stuff, like the Declaration of Independence, or a king's declaration or something. It's not just everyday speech.

“Agreed,” his friends said as they walked out the oddly-capitalized Door.

When they got outside there was a surprise for them. It was private aircraft. It had landed beside their front lawn. It was the Pokemon Jet, a jet with Pokemon painted on it! And...wait, is it parked in the middle of the street, or do they just have a REALLY big lawn? A dark figure came out of the aircraft. Just...a dark figure? There's better words to use for that, like shady or mysterious or dressed in a dumb cloak. I'm going to have to assume that the figure in question is Samuel L. Jackson.

“Does anyone here go by the name of Michael Beach?” the dark figure asked.

“I am the Michael Beach you seek,” declared Michael as he stepped forward closer to the dark figure. Who talks like this?

“I challenge you to a duel!”

Chapter 1 will be posted when Michaels Deck is Completed You haven't even created their decks yet!? Come back when you're READY to post your story, dood.

Overall, little description makes me not very interested. Characters need to sound less weird, they need to stop declaring so much, they need ot have actual emotions, and they need to act like actual kids/teens. I mean, what kid would honestly IMMEDIATELY step up to a mysterious figure and say they're the one they seek? If you intended for Michael to be strange, why didn't you include some thoughts from his friends? They might have made the whole thing a bit more interesting, methinks.

[Łεσ™]

(10-15-2009 05:35 PM)Kendo Fish Wrote:  

(10-15-2009 04:43 PM)Łεσ™ Wrote:  More to Come. This is being started on right now.
That doesn't sound good. Did you just type it in the New Thread box?

Prolouge PROLOGUE (Click to View)

It was the middle of the night. Michael and his friends Daniel and Chris where WERE (have you ever heard someone say "They WHERE in a house"!?) having a dueling party at his house. Dueling party? Wha? That just sounds...odd. Who holds DUELING PARTIES? And what's this house look like? Comfortable? Wooden? A public urinal? It was Michael APOSTROPHE s turn.

“With my Iceland Scriptual Fighter you will not have a chance,” declared Michael. He sounds so wooden, thanks to the use of no contractions whatsoever. And...a SCRIPTUAL fighter from Iceland? Scriptual's not even a real word, is it? And are they dueling, or perhaps using the public urinal at the same time? Whoops, now I'm disturbed.

“Yes I know your Iceland dude is tough and all but you forgot about my face down or did…” Chris couldn’t finish. Good, because he doesn't use ANY commas in this long sentence, making his sound GROSS. There was a big bang from the outside of...what I can only assume is the outside of the house, but I REALLY don't know..

“Let’s go check it out,” declared Michael. Why are they always DECLARING? Not everything you say is a declaration. That's for the important stuff, like the Declaration of Independence, or a king's declaration or something. It's not just everyday speech.

“Agreed,” his friends said as they walked out the oddly-capitalized Door.

When they got outside there was a surprise for them. It was private aircraft. It had landed beside their front lawn. It was the Pokemon Jet, a jet with Pokemon painted on it! And...wait, is it parked in the middle of the street, or do they just have a REALLY big lawn? A dark figure came out of the aircraft. Just...a dark figure? There's better words to use for that, like shady or mysterious or dressed in a dumb cloak. I'm going to have to assume that the figure in question is Samuel L. Jackson.

“Does anyone here go by the name of Michael Beach?” the dark figure asked.

“I am the Michael Beach you seek,” declared Michael as he stepped forward closer to the dark figure. Who talks like this?

“I challenge you to a duel!”

Chapter 1 will be posted when Michaels Deck is Completed You haven't even created their decks yet!? Come back when you're READY to post your story, dood.

Overall, little description makes me not very interested. Characters need to sound less weird, they need to stop declaring so much, they need ot have actual emotions, and they need to act like actual kids/teens. I mean, what kid would honestly IMMEDIATELY step up to a mysterious figure and say they're the one they seek? If you intended for Michael to be strange, why didn't you include some thoughts from his friends? They might have made the whole thing a bit more interesting, methinks.

ok. i am not the best writer. yes the decks aren't finished =/. i am nto that fast but they will be done soon. I wrote it in Mcirosoft Word. sry for not being very emotional in it. i am not the best writer. i will edit the Prolouge

[Łεσ™]

~BUMP my head Right Round~