Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. The Fan Fic.

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Holy bleep. Three hundred views since yesterday and no posts. I feel insulted again.

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One day late?! DAMN YOU COMPUTER VIRUSES. Next week, I promise there'll be two chapters. Totally.

 

[spoiler=Episode 63: The Demon]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. The Fan Fic

Episode 63 – The Phoenix

 

One day full of filler, Jaden was dueling Bastion for absolutely no good reason other than to fill up two minutes of screentime. On one side: Elemental Heroes Flame Wingman and Sparkman. On the other: T-Bone, the bulldog from Clifford the Big Red Dog. “Here goes Polymerization!” Jaden called! The two monsters fused. Boom. They were Shining Flare Wingman. (Shining Flare Wingman: 7609 Attack Points) “Attack that T-Bone with Useless Steak Bone!” Shining Flare Wingman threw T-Bone a bone. He exploded.

“AAAAH, UUUH, AAAAAHH!!” Bastion screamed! “I WISH I HAD GIVEN A SHOOT ABOUT THIS DUEL EARLIEEEER!!” (Bastion: -12982 Life Points, Game Over)

“NNNOOOOO, BASTION!!” screamed Fluffy Fred, climbing all over Bastion’s legs!

“AAAHH!! GET OFF OF US!!” Omega-Xis cried.

“Good one, Jaden!” Piggybank exclaimed, giving him a thumbs-up.

“You were there?!” Jaden yelped.

“Yes, always,” Baseball Bob noted.

“Maybe if you-you uuuh, went to class sometimes you would uuuh…” Bunnyear mumbled.

“I told you to practice your lines last night, sis!” Piggybank said. “If you wanna be on the same show as me, then you have to get motivated.”

“Well you ARE the more experienced actor!” Bunnyear accepted, rubbing her head.

 

“Stop taking the spotlight,” Jaden instructed. “’Sides, what use do I have for grades? All we do is play card games.”

“Don’t you want to graduate?” Omega-Xis asked, blasting Fluffy Fred off of Bastion’s legs.

“Well sure. But nobody cares about anything besides how good we are at Dueling, right?” Jaden recalled.

“… Oh yeah.”

 

“HEEEEY!!” Syrus heralded, scooting in with his yellowish blazer! “Listen guys, guess what?”

“Zane’s fighting Aster Phoenix?” Piggybank asked.

“You shouldn’t even know who Aster Phoenix IS yet!” Syrus whined.

“We watched the reruns together,” Baseball Bob explained.

“OOOOOH.”

 

LATER! THAT!! NIGHT!!!

Everybody was sitting in the newly-christened Alexishouse of the Slifer Toolshed. The large paper-thin plasma-screen television in the main room was on, showcasing a representation of Zane’s head next to a representation of Aster Phoenix’s head. They were flying around, shooting lasers and tackling each other. “WHAAAAAAT?!?!” Alexis flipped! “ZANE’S DUELING THAT NEW SUE?!?!”

“Yeah,” Senkaiyoh said, getting interested. “That Zane guy looks pretty cool as a disembodied head!”

“That’s not the half of it,” Chazz sighed. “Anyways, how long ‘til the fireworks start?”

“Just after the head-thing ends, I think,” Bastion said. There were a few knocks at the door.

“Let us iiiiiiiin…” moaned the voice of Nancy Wut.

“We wanna see too!” groaned Mann McOldsmobile.

“NO FILLER CHARACTERS ALLOWED!!” Senkaiyoh shouted!

“You’re a hypocrite!” Syrus called.

“But she’s GREAT!” Hassleberry supposed.

“She’s GREATLY A HYPOCRITE!!”

“WHOEVER SAID THAT, STEP UP SO I CAN SHOOT YOUR FACE!!”

 

The television began blaring a great beginning tune akin to a legendary match of something equally useless! The duel was set to commence! The two heads flying around the screen bumped into one another, causing a climactic explosion!! The screen cleared away to show two random commentators with funky hairstyles commentating. “Oh no, the commentators have started commentating!” Bastion exclaimed! “Get ready, folks!”

“Eh, this duel’s gonna be a snap,” Chazz said, “that Phoenix kid’s gonna lose in a minute.”

“But remember, he never truly showed off his full potential,” Syrus rectified. “He slapped together a deck of crap to duel Jaden! Here he’s gonna go all out. I’m worried for my bro! Should I be feelin’ worried for my bro?! I’M HYPERVENTILATING.” Alexis splashed some water on his face.

“Get a hold of yourself, your brother’s awesome,” she told.

“Oh yeah.”

“Plus, I KNOW how good Zane is!” Jaden clarified. “He’d NEVER lose to a hotshot uppity duelin’ surfer-accent hangover-soundin’ clean-clothed magical kid Action Aster duelist like Aster!”

 

“AAAAAAND here we are over in Random Duel Arena 4787,” Afro Commentator broadcasted, staring at the viewers from his green suit and extravagant glasses, “and today we’re watching old favorite Aster Phoenix with his signature Elemental Hero Phoenix Enforcer fighting a new entrée to the Pro League, Zane Truesdale hailing from Kaibaland Duel Academy!”

“Boy it sure feels great to be back here in Lucky Number 4787, I tell you!” commented Jimjam Jugadores, the most popular commentator on the circuit. He was being paid one-hundred dollars for every word he uttered, along with the ten-thousand it took to hire him. His name was also pronounced ‘Heemham Hugadores’ for trivial reasons. Nevertheless, this was definitely a momentous occasion. “Once we get the ball rolling, this is sure to be one of the season’s Defining DuelsTM! The Zane guy’s using apparently what seems to be the Cyber Dragon series, being one of the few who have actually mastered them! I can’t wait to see what kinds of tricks HE’LL be up to! But first a word from the next scene.” Jimjam Jugadores put away his microphone and sat back in his chair.

Dammit, Afro Commentator thought to himself, this Jimjam’s got the authority to even usher in a scene-change! But someday, that power will be mine…

 

“CROWLUH!!” Bonaparte cried, holding a phone up to his puppety ear! “They’uh talking about us! I can’t HANDLE this kind of mess right now!”

“I know, but shouldn’t we wait a minute before getting bent out of shape?” Crowler suggested.

“No I can’t, you imbecieeyuh!” he barked, being careful to add the French emphasis to the word. “I’m trying to get a reign on Astuh Phoenix, but I can’t heah the lady on the phone ovah youh griping!” He returned to his phone conversation. “Yes yes, I’m still heyuh… yes yes, I am awayuh that he was on the fifty-ninth episode… yes, I am aware that I am a mannequin… alright, bon soir…” Bonaparte threw the phone to the ground. “Well THAT didn’t wohrk!”

“AND IT’S YOUR FAULT!!” Crowler shrieked, throwing Bonaparte into the wall. He fell to the floor and it began to sulk on its desk. “I NEVER get any good scenes…”

 

MEANWHILE, IN LUCKY NUMBER 4787…

Zane Truesdale was sitting impatiently inside of a weight-lifting-slash-waiting-room. There was a rich-ish man standing over him with an eager expression. “Well, Zane,” he wheezed, “we got a lot riding on this match. You think you’re ready?”

“You can count on me,” Zane said, “I never lose.”

“I hope you’re right,” the richy man grinched. “You’d better win, because you’ve got one chance. If you lose, SomethingCorp™ will be blowing FORTY-FIVE BILLLLLLLION YEN!!!!”

“Thank you, but I like to walk,” Zane excused, “especially before a big match.”

 

Angry McArgue walked onto the scene. “Oh, you again,” she groaned. “Trying to do something stupid again?”

“You, the guardian,” ol’ richster grunted. “I’m not willing to talk to you after what you did last time!”

“You were trying to dress him as Hitler to sell some soap for that SomethingCorp™ commercial!” Angry McArgue argued. “If he hadn’t brought me with him, he’d be black-listed in every country besides Antarctica! NOBODY wants to work there!”

“Blah blah blah,” the grumpy moneybags gagged. “Just take him out there and get him to win. If he loses… HE’S FIIIIIIIIREEEEEEDDD!!” His head exploded from the sheer gripeness of himself, spreading money everywhere. (Death Count Season Two: 698)

Angry McArgue rubbed Zane’s shoulder. “Come on tiger, get to it!” she coached. “When you get back, I’ll make some stir-fry for dinner! Because it tastes good.”

“Why?” he asked. “Demon? Gimee a break.” Angry McArgue didn’t know if it was an insult or not, so she shrugged the last statement off. They both stood up and walked down the tremendous path to the stadium’s opening. “I have better things to do than to worry over the figment of someone’s imagination.” They walked after the miniscule shape of light in the distance. Within the darkness and dankness of the pathway, it looked as if a mile away. It was terribly built, that hall.

“Geez, can’t they just make these things SHORT?” Angry McArgue muttered. “Movies with these things are dramatic, but there’s a fine line between epicness and stupidity…”

But something felt wrong. The further they went, the more the shape of light changed. Something animal was standing in front of them.

 

“Zane… stop.” Angry McArgue demanded. They stopped. “Who’s there? This is our pathway; don’t freak us out like this! At least tell me you’re installing some lights in here!” She kicked a small empty can of Nikl Nip™ cola from the floor at the shadow. The creature dove out in response and grabbed Angry McArgue by the esophagus! “GAAACK!! GAAH!!” she groaned!

“AHH!!” Zane cried! Instinctively, he summoned a flaming broadsword out of the center of his very soul. It illuminated the surrounding area, revealing this being to be a black-suited man, whose body was covered in stylish flames. Upon his arms were green gauntlets, one of which had three fearsome claws, and his helmet and wings were reminiscent of the weakest character in this entire series! And Angry McArgue’s arms were quickly changing shape, as if trying to become knives! To conclude the paragraph of foreshadowing, Zane cleaved the being down the middle. Angry McArgue dropped to the ground as did the right half of the monster. The left half just grew back into shape, engulfing itself in fire.

“Ha ha ha… oh, Zane!” it laughed. “I can’t wait to see you outside! HA HA HA HA HAAA!! Urp?!” Zane cut his head in half. (Death Count Season Two: 698)

Immortality doesn’t exactly work out when your brain’s ruined.

 

“G-gah! GYYAAAAAGHHHHH…” The monster erupted into flames, falling over backward. It ceased movement and turned to cinders. Angry McArgue pushed herself onto the wall and started rubbing her arms vigorously. Her eyes were tearing up with confusion and pain.

Darn it, she wasn’t supposed to know she could do that yet! Zane cursed.

“What… what happened?” Angry McArgue asked as he arms restored themselves to normal. “Why were… was my arm melting?!”

“I’m fine,” Zane said. “A demon…” He helped Angry McArgue up off the ground and dusted her off. She was shaking.

“Z-Zane… I feel… weird. And what was that, that sword? And that… demon?”

Zane shook his head. He took her arm and led her back towards the weight-slash-waiting area. “Please, Zane, I need you to tell me. Do you know what happened?”

“…..” He said nothing, only stared blankly ahead. Dr. Card… what in all seven hells are you planning?

 

MEANWHILE, IN THE HALL OF JUSTICE…

Sartorius was sitting in his robe and his throne at his glass table, setting numerous Jo Jo’s Bizarre Adventure™ Tarot cards across the furniture. At the head of it all was a face-down Duel Monsters card. It began to catch fire and burn away, somehow not disturbing anything else around it. Sartorius smirked and took out a cell phone. “Aster,” he said into the device, “it seems as though our friend’s found our sentry and eradicated him. Are you prepared to handle an opponent of such caliber?”

“Do you doubt my skill?” Aster answered. “You KNOW I’m going to win this. You saw it in the cards. The JoJo ones.”

“True, but I want you to focus some effort onto this Duel. This is the strongest opponent you’ve ever faced!” Sartorius taught. “He is DIVINE. You must give caution.”

“Ugh,” Aster groaned, “it’s bad enough that I’ve thrown a game to that slanderous idiot Jaden, but now you’re actually believing I’ll lose this match?”

“In due time, you’ll understand everything,” Sartorius stated. “After tonight’s show, you will go back to Duel Academy and challenge Jaden once more and WIN.”

“Hmph. Can I at least use my new deck against that kid, teacher?” Aster grunted.

“Why of course. I pray thee well.” Sartorius cut off his phone and turned to the doorway behind him. “Stephen?” he called. “I pray you’re ready.”

“Don’t worry,” a black-coated young fellow answered. “I’ve always wanted to get into teaching, heh. We’re taking the hovercraft?”

“Yes, we’re taking the hovercraft.”

The hip young character smiled. “Good.”

 

BACK AT THE LOVELY ARENA 4787…

Random people ran around picking up merchandise themed after everyone’s favorite Zane and Aster. They picked up their Zane Truesdale coffee mugs, their Aster Phoenix video game system cases, and ZaneXAster yaoi from shady vendors. “AAAND now we’re about to begin the biiiig Duuuuuel!!” announced Afro Commentator.

“Here at the game, we’ve got a stagnant air of romanticism and hormonal imbalances going on dividing our audience!” Jimjam Jugadores announced. “It’s the Zany Broads versus the Risin’ Phoenixetta Lorrettas down here, and people are ALREADY placing bets on the catfights going on in the foyer! Gosh, Afro-headed man, I’m just so excited to see what could happen tonight!”

“You SURE are flapping your gums for the money,” Afro Commentator groaned.

“That I am!” Jimjam Jugadores exclaimed. “Now look at them enter the arena!”

 

From below, the stage began spitting sapphire flames about the air, ushering in a giant animatronic Cyber Dragon! It wheeled around the arena, peering about the audience, spitting lasers at the unlucky ones. (Death Count Season Two: 702) Then the behemoth slithered into its stated place, launching sparks from every orifice of its frame!

It opened its fat maw up wide and revealed… a cannon! Zane was seated inside, wearing a flashy white Elvis outfit and blue helmet for safety reasons! The dragon fired him out into the air, throwing him into the sky as he unfurled himself, showing off the tassels attached to his arms and legs! He floated down to the floor in a zig-zag fashion, without a parachute, and ripped away his lame old costume to reveal his old-fashioned Obelisk Blue uniform adorned with a small star icon under his neck!

“WE LOVE YOU ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANENENENE!!!” screamed the nubile young girls.

 

“OH MAH GOSH I MISS YOU!!” Alexis wailed, sobbing all over her TV.

“I can’t see through the tears!” Senkaiyoh complained.

 

“ANNNND HERE WE ARE, ABOUT TO INTRODUCE TO YOU, THE AUDIENCE, THE OTHER COMPETITOOOOR… ASTEEEER PHOOOEEEEEEENIIIIIIIIXXXX!!” screamed Jimjam Jugadores!

“GOSH DAMMIT STOP MILKING THE OPPORTUNITY!!” ordered Afro Commentator.

A large, mysterious bird appeared in the center of the action. It appeared to be a male peacock, extending the feathers on his tail. It held aloft its wings and caught fire, as several things have this episode! From its breast walked out Aster Phoenix, symbolically wearing a shimmering red jumpsuit with false crimson feathers glued onto the arms poorly! “KAKAAAW!!” he cried, leaping forth onto the stage! He began to prance around, waving his arms like a crazy person! “KA KAW!! KA KAW!!” he screeched!

“SHADDAP!!” shouted the real Aster Phoenix, punching the crazy man in the face, forcing an explosion! “Now are you ready to Duel or not, sir?” Aster asked Zane.

“NO WAY!!” roared the real Aster Phoenix, dropping down from above via jetpack! As he touched down to the floor, the previous Aster Phoenix exploded, revealing the third to be the charm.

“My gosh… where’s the next gonna come out?” Jaden wondered.

“Don’t wonder,” Syrus Sy-ed.

 

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Zane told his opponent as he shuffled his cards. “Thirty professional duels and not one loss. Not too shabby for a little kid.”

“And how did you enjoy the gift I sent you?” Aster asked. “I picked him out myself.”

“Bring it on!”

“FINE THEN!!”

“Now I’ll show you my true power, Jaden!” Aster promised, staring directly at the hidden cameras!

“He knew I was watching?! Duh!” Jaden cried!

“I summon…” Aster played his first card. “Elemental Hero Avian!”

“NO MAN DON’T DO IT!!” shrieked everybody! OH MY GOSH!! they gulped. I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF, BUT HE’S PLAYING THAT MONSTER!!

“Yo man dat’s WHACK copyin’ a cool kid like me!” Jaden pouted. “One Archetype per anime character, thanks!”

“No way! A Deck of Heroes?” Zane asked, surprised! Even HE knew how stupid that card was! (Avian: 1000 Attack Points)

“And then I’ll throw down a couple ‘o face-downs and end my turn,” Aster ended. Two cards appeared before him, waiting for their chance…

“BOO,” someone said.

“OH HO HO, ASTER PHOENIX HAS JUST SUMMONED ONE OF THE LEAST POPULAR MONSTERS IN THE GAME!!” Jimjam Jugadores called! “HE MUST HAVE SOMETHING UP HIS SLEEVE!!”

“Yeah, those two face-downs are just ASKING for TROUBLE!!” Afro Commentator said.

 

“Hey Aster, check this out!”

A giant robot dragon appeared in Aster’s face. “GWAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!!” it shrieked.

“I play Cyber Dragon in Attack Mode!” Zane stated. (Cyber Dragon: 2100 Attack Points) “I’m allowed to summon him when all the monsters in play are on your side; a little trick I picked up at the Academy.” He held out his arm of judgment and cried, “Alright Cyber Dragon, attack with Strident Blast!”

“BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!” the dragon shrieked, firing a spinning laser of cyberenergy at the puny green Hero!!

“Look out,” Aster called, “I trigger my Draining Shield Trap card!” He tossed out a simple, circular shield at the blast, and somehow blocked it in full! “Y’know, the card lets me gain Life Points equal to the attack I just blocked,” explained Aster.

“Nice move. But I have a better one!” Zane assured! “It’s a Spell card, and it’s called Trap Booster!” He sent away one card from his hand, calling out a bear trap with rockets taped to its sides! It cruised on by, taking a second and third card out with it! “So that means, after I ditch a card, I can play a Trap card from my hand!” The bear trap crashed into the screaming audience and exploded, taking with it a random Spell card and taking on… “I choose my Trap Jammer, and it cancels our your Trap card, junior!” A storm of literal grape jelly began to swarm above Aster’s head, threatening to crash into his shield!

“Now you’re just ripping me off, douche,” Aster said calmly, activating his OWN copy of Trap Jammer! The second Trap Jammer took in all of the jam from the heavens and fired it all into Zane’s left eye, negating the first one! “Seems as though I’ve one-upped you, ya’ babbling idiot.” (Aster: 6100 Life Points)

“…” Zane bent over and pounded seventy-eight metric pounds of jam out of his head. He licked a smidge off of his cheek to show how serious he was.

 

“OOOOH MY GOODNESS,” Jimjam Jugadores shouted, “WE ARE SEEING A BIG MATCHUP, FOLKS!! WHERE IT SEEMED AS THOUGH ZANE HAD THE UPPER HAND, HE IS NOW IN A BIT OF A JAM BY TWENTY-ONE HUNDRED LIFE POINTS, AND JUST WASTED A GOOD THREE CARDS!! THINGS AREN’T QUITE LOOKING GRAPE!!”

“DAMN IT ALL JIMJAM, STOP CASHING IN AND LET ME SPEAK!!” Afro Commentator screamed!

“NO CAN DO, AFRO GUY, I’M RAKING IN AS MUCH MONEY AS I CAN, HERE!! THAT CYBER DRAGON SEEMED TO KICK-START THE GAME, AND YET well you know the rest, heh heh heh,” Jimjam Jugadores chuckled. “But can Zane still make a comeback after this turn? We’ll have to wait and see for ourselves!”

 

Angry McArgue was seated among some SomethingCorp™ executives. “Okay, this is getting weird,” Angry McArgue mumbled. First we get attacked by some weird flaming thing and my arms lose shape. Now these two fools are arguing? Why is tonight just getting worse and worse?

 

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooo,” Syrus said, writhing his arms madly as if they were tentacles, “I can’t believe what is happeniiiiiiiiiing. My brother is losiiiiiiiiiiiing.”

“You don’t sound too torn up about it,” Senkaiyoh noted.

“I had already set myself up for a letdown when I saw Avian. It just sorta carried over.”

“Don’t give up on’m now!” Jaden and Alexis cried! “He’s just getting started! I should know!”

“Aaaaahh, you’re starting to scare me,” Syrus mumbled, falling on his side. He began to drool on the nice carpet in despair.

“NOT ON MY CARPET!” Alexis and Chazz shouted.

“I’m so confused, and yet I really want to watch this matchup!” Hassleberry groaned! “I’m torn!”

 

“Oh boy Jimjam, I haven’t seen two pros go at it since Kaiba and Yugi!” cheered Afro Commentator.

“That’s a… terrible claim,” Jimjam Jugadores said. “This is only the second turn. How could you mean that this early?”

“I… I’m just desperate!”

“You literally just gave up right there.”

“Don’t hold it against me.”

“Get out of my booth. GET OUT OF MY MOTHER-PUNCHING BOOTH!!”

“NOOOOHOHOHOOOOO…”

 

As that drama went on, Aster Phoenix began his next turn. “I play the card we all saw coming!” He threw a Pot of Greed to the ground, where it promptly exploded. “I draw two cards and play Polymerization!” Burstinatrix jumped out from Aster’s hand and stood next to her ally. She was promptly absorbed into Avian’s flesh, turning his clothing black and flame-pattered! His wings began to grow outward as his body expanded! His head became covered in a green, swooping helmet, his arms became more armored and battle-ready, his clawed glove essentially became a hell-rake, and a salmon-colored tail sprouted outward, swirling around his now-raptor-like legs. “Say hello to the Elemental Hero Phoenix Enforcer!” greeted Aster. (Phoenix Enforcer: 2100 Attack Points)

 

“No way!!” Jaden called afoul! “That’s s’posed to be Flame Wingman! Not that AP crap no offense AP!”

“You didn’t know that the monsters can make different Fusion combinations?” Hassleberry asked.

“Wasn’t it obvious he didn’t?” Chazz groaned. “Darn it, Yuki, stop being such an idiot hero!”

“Aw man!” He shrugged with a lame smile, effectively ending the conversation with stupidity.

 

Aster Phoenix nodded his head. “Phoenix Enforcer, kill Cyber Dragon!” The demonic Hero charged straight into the mechanical monstrosity, throwing a three-clawed ray of light through the dragon! They both exploded.

“NNGH!” Zane grunted. But alas, through the smoke of the burst, Phoenix Enforcer leaped back toward his master.

“You had an easy time with him earlier, but you should remember how he regenerates! Just like a phoenix, he will be reborn from the ashes time and time again,” Aster Phoenix noted, whipping around a pointer finger of knowledge. “I’ll just set one more card face-down and end my turn. What do you say to that?”

“Alright kid, settle down,” Zane called with a twinge of uncharacteristic hate in his voice. He drew a card. “Well, whaddaya know, Aster?” He threw down his own Pot of Greed. (Death Count Season Two: 703)

“Boy oh boy,” Jimjam Jugadores announced, “I just hit that Afro idiot with a desk and BOY am I surprised! While I wasn’t looking, Cyber Dragon’s been replaced by a Phoenix Enforcer and Zane JUST used a Pot of Greed! I wonder why everybody always gets it? Boy, maybe the original creators are lazy like that? Who knows?”

“I’ll draw two and play an old favorite: the Spell card Power Bond!” Zane called, playing his Spell of powerful bonding! Twin Cyber Dragons rose from the earth and were smashed into pieces.

 

“What’s he doing?” Senkaiyoh asked, confused. “They’re dead. He killed him. Weirdo.”

“No, don’t you remember? Death is just the first part of rebirth, y’know?” Jaden explained, grabbing Senkaiyoh by the shoulder. He held his free arm aloft as he told her, “Through death, you can achieve so many more things than you could while alive, and THEN come BACK from the dead! See what I’m sayin’?”

“No,” Hassleberry groaned, separating the two children. “We are NOT going to talk about a gosh-darn zombie apocalypse.”

“Well he’s freaking summoning a trump monster so shut up and let me listen,” Alexis growled menacingly.

“That’s my bro!” Syrus cheered. Alexis scratched his face off.

 

“BOO,” someone said.

“WHO WAS THAT?!” Angry McArgue gasped.

“I actually thought that line was pretty cool,” Syrus said begrudgingly, “but really, how’d the duck get there?” He pointed to the ‘BOO’ duck of choice, standing behind the group’s sofa. Nobody seemed to care.

“I’ll send two machines to the Graveyard to summon a whole NEW machine!” Zane announced! “So meet my Cyber Twin Dragon!!” The floating remnants of the Cyber Dragon twins were sucked into a sudden vortex. The void exploded with activity from the swirling masses of ironworkers, flying about and sticking bits and pieces of metal together at will! Once complete, they gave a unanimous thumbs-up, attached a gift basket, and threw out the Cyber Twin Dragon, twice as powerful than ever! (Cyber Twin Dragon: 2800 Attack Points)

“But my Power Bond’s not done yet,” Zane stated, taking his wonderful fruity gift basket off of his new pet. “With Power Bond, my Cyber Twin Dragon’s Attack Points DOUBLE!” And so the Dragon truly WAS twice as powerful than ever. (Cyber Twin Dragon: 2800 -> 5600 Attack Points)

“Wowzers,” Jimjam Jugadores exclaimed, “Zane Truesdale’s looking at a possible seven-THOUSAND damage combo this turn with that Power Bond card! Gosh! Bonkers!” His bank account continued to blossom.

 

Zane picked out a shiny lemon from his wonderful basket and took a big bite. “Cyber Twin Dragon, attack the Phoenix Enforcer!” The two dragons inhaled, reared back, and shot a storm of love at the target. He took it head-on and his body was explosively disemboweled!

“Gaaaah, holograms!” Aster gasped as he was slapped by a holographic small intestine. (Aster: 2600 Life Points)

“And guess what?” Zane inquired. “Cyber Twin Dragon gets to attack again!”

“YESSSSHREE!!” cheered the Duel Academy kids.

“What? I still wanna see the show,” sniveled Baseball Bob.

 

The stray bits of flesh and blood scattered across the arena started to wiggle and seep off of the dirty floor and screaming fans, coming back into Phoenix Enforcer’s body, in an attempt to rise again, BUT IT DIDN’T MATTER!!!! The Cyber Twin Dragon fired one more burst of mutual acceptance, cutting through the immortal, tearing his form to shreds of meat and meat byproducts. The field was engulfed in a smoky fog. As if to show off his win, Zane took his half-eaten lemon, held it out and dropped it to the ground. Aster slowly began to clap. The rest of the audience, confused, joined in for the hell of it all.

(Aster: 100 Life Points)

“ASTER!! WOOO!! CLAPPING!!” they shouted! “HOLY CRAP HE DIDN’T LOSE!”

“How situational,” Aster chuckled, having activated some Trap card with Burstinatrix charging a battery from the inside? “Sorry to interrupt your song, but Elemental Recharge granted me one-thousand Life Points for having my Hero on the field. Just enough.”

“EEEEH?!?!” Angry McArgue cried, spitting blood!

“DAAAAAHHH!!” the SomethingCorp™ executives cried, spitting blood!

“IMPOSSIBLE! I WON!” Zane cried, spraying vast quantities of lemon juice about!

“UNBELIEVABLE!!” Jimjam Jugadores yelled! “Aster Phoenix just pulled a Yugi on us with that wildly lucky move! This means he HAS to win this Duel! What a tumultuous turnabout!”

“What’re you trying to say?!” Zane ordered.

“Well, that’s what happens on this show,” Jimjam Jugadores explained.

“Grrr…” growled Zane in response.

“GAAAAAHH!!” cried the kids of Duel Academy, vomiting blood all over the television screen! “HE’S RIIIIIGHT!!”

“Why are you spitting blood?” Omega-Xis asked. “Don’t lock us outta the loop.”

“Quiet and stay there with the rest of the filler characters,” Bastion ordered, nursing his bleeding empty wrist.

 

“Don’t forget Power Bond’s secondary effect,” Aster warned, “the BAD one, that is.” Cyber Twin Dragon’s right head fell off and smashed upon Zane’s head. He was unfazed. (Zane: 1200 Life Points) “And I’ll draw this match to a close with the Spell card Misfortune.” A mysterious masked individual appeared on the field, wearing a classy suit, hat, cape and creepymask. He floated next to the regenerating Phoenix Enforcer and stood still. “Even though I can’t attack this turn, Misfortune inflicts damage to your Life Points equal to half of your Cyber Twin Dragon’s original Attack Points.” Zane’s eyes widened. His supporters wept in despair. SomethingCorp™ died. All of it died. (Death Count Season Two: 2,498) The mysterious figure threw a banana peel at the dragon robot. It slithered forward just enough. Sliding on the peel, it flipped backward, detonating and destroying everything holographic in sight. The smoke blew itself away, revealing the loser to all. (Zane: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

“WHAT AN OBVIOUS COMEBACK!!” shouted Jimjam Jugadores. “That ending was sudden, but—” Afro Commentator snared his neck from behind with a necktie and proceeded to choke his victim.

Aster Phoenix calmly stepped up to Zane and looked up at him. “How can this be?” Zane demanded. What the hell did he just do?! Zane thought. That’s not what happened in the original! He’s supposed to draw this game out longer before striking me down! What happened?!?!

 

“Don’t think that you’re the only one who can fight fate, Zane,” Aster told. “Also, Sartorius wanted me to pass a message: you should know damn well that we’re going to break the reincarnation cycle. It won’t matter what power-ups you take on, who you inspire, or where you run. You can’t fight your destiny – your TRUE destiny, that is.” Aster turned to his audience and waved. They threw roses, money and inappropriate articles of clothing at him.

“I know,” Zane said. He walked off calmly to reclaim his Angry McArgue friend.

 

“Zane… lost?” Alexis asked, unbelieving, before imploding.

“That Aster Phoenix kid’s good!” Senkaiyoh accepted. “I like’m!”

“No, DON’T like’m!” Chazz ordered! “He just beat our top student from last year! The one Jaden had to do EVERYTHING HE COULD in order to beat! And he’s coming here to kick Jaden’s ass next week!”

“What are you gonna do now?” Hassleberry asked, worried. “I mean, if losing to a GOOD guy made me smarter as a person, then if you lose to a BAD guy like him…”

“Oh no, that logic works!” Syrus realized. “Jaden! In the next episode, you’re facing your NEW strongest rival. What will you do?”

 

[spoiler=NEXT EPISODE:]It’s finally happened! Aster Phoenix is coming back to Duel Academy to start his year off with a bang! But before he can get his game on with Jaden, a master criminal strikes the island’s card supply! With this new foe, can Jaden and Aster join forces and take him out? Also, Bastion decides that he wants to reconnect with his British roots! Will he be moving back to Great Britain? And what about his bloody past…? Next time: Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing! Aster and Jaden: The Strongest Tag?! We swear, it won’t hurt TOO much!

 

 

 

[Weather Report - Stand]

Oh lordy, one day and already back on the second page?

 

Oh well, aha ha ha, it can't be helped. Only got 53 views since I posted the last chapter, so I guess people didn't have enough time to read it all, aha ha ha, it can't be helped. And on top of that my spoilers seem to be falling apart at random, aha ha ha, I didn't do anything to them but it can't be helped of course, ha ha ha...

 

... what's this weird feeling inside? Oh well, the burning can't be helped I guess, aha ha ha.

 

BUMP

[Weather Report - Stand]

So here we go, another 2-parter. Aster Phoenix does stuff. I promise it gets more exciting new time. I promise.

 

[spoiler=Episode 64: A New Breed of Hero]Aster Phoenix extraordinaire had been caught by the paparazzi in his escape from Duel Arena 4787 from last week’s installment. So, the good boys and girls in Duel Academy were forced to listen to him asking questions as they stared on in anger and remorse. “Mister Phoenix! Mister Phoenix!” some news reporter exclaimed. “We have apparently received reports that you’re going to enroll into Kaibaland Duel Academy! Is this true?”

“No, of course not,” Aster denied, “it’s all just a part of my plan.”

“And what plan would that be, sir?”

“There’s some boy there who’s been making a huge mess out of my good name!” Aster answered. “This weird idiot is going around using my deck, which we all know is taboo! I mean, one deck type to a character, am I right?”

“LIES N’ SLANDER!!” Jaden quoted.

“So I’m going to take a little break, head on over here and beat him up with a new deck I’ve been preparing.”

“A new deck, you say?” the inquiring masses inquired.

“Yes, I figured that if I’m going to duel one kid with heroes, then a lotta idiots may start copying me after his failure, so why not move onto a better card Archetype?”

“Who IS this young creep?” they asked him.

“Well, I can’t really say it, buuuut…” Aster thought about it for a second. “His name sounds like Schmaden Schmooky.”

“Syrus Truesdale?” they all guessed.

“No, not—”

“IT WAS SYRUS TRUESDALE, FOLKS!! YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST ON CHANNEL 18981 NEWS!!” one determined anchorlady told to her cameraman, staring right into the lens of the viewing public. Senkaiyoh shot the television dead with an anti-tank shell.

“How do you do that?” Bastion asked.

“I can summon guns!” Senkayoh explained.

“DAAAAAAAAAAARN it all they think I did it,” Syrus sniffed, now horrified for his own life. “Everybody wants me dead now that they think I’m Jaden!”

 

“Well don’t you worry a bit, G,” Jaden said, “because he’s coming here!”

“WHAAAA?!?!”

“And I’m going to beat him in a Duel!”

“Huuuuh? How will that help me?”

Jaden narrowed his eyes and looked up. “I. DON’T. KNOW.”

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. The Fan Fic

Episode 64: A New Breed of Hero - Part One

 

Sartorius was sitting in a fast-moving hovercraft scooting over the Arctic Ocean, dressed in a super-fluffy coat now rather than a drafty cloak. Alongside him was a boy who was apparently named Stephen Boyd. Sartorius sifted through his cards and pulled one out of a muddled-up pile. Three cards blew away in the wind. “Oh crap,” Sartorius muttered. He looked at the card he’d drawn: a Boston terrier with a sand beast standing behind him in an Aztec mask and two-wheel drive. It was the Fool…!

“Ha ha, that was pretty stupid,” Stephen Boyd chuckled, handing Sartorius three replacement cards.

“You misunderstand,” Sartorius explained, “the zeroeth card, The Fool, signifies the start of a long journey.”

“Are you sure? Because it’s stupid to be doing this out here in all the arctic wind without a roof. ‘Sides, couldn’t we afford the roof? It’s cold.”

“Now you know how expensive hovercrafts are these days, and only weaklings succumb to the cold,” Sartorius mumbled as he gathered his cards together.

“That’s an excuse if I’ve ever heard one. How could an excuse sound so bad?”

“Fool, there is no excuse for fate. And yes, that was quite bad.”

 

MEANWHILE,

“Monsyewer, I believe it is Ahktic-level cold here,” Bonaparte muttered, shaking in Crowler’s arms.

“D-d-d-don’t worry, we just have to wait for Aster to arrive and we can go home,” Crowler said, “and besides, it’s supposed to be either summer or fall, depending on what culture we’re basing our school year on.”

“I don’t think this is going to wohrk.”

“Well your fatty French accent is really grating. I just wish Aster were already here…”

 

Meanwhile, above their very heads, Aster Phoenix stood within the cargo hold of an airplane crafted almost entirely from birch wood. “Sir, are you really going to do this?” the pilot called out.

“Of course,” Aster replied, “the star of the show has to make a star entrance!” He kicked the backside of the plane off and fell toward the academy at breakneck-speed. He burst through the clouds like a bullet and cruised down above the school with his fist at the ready.

 

As that happened, Bastion was looking up various pictures of Aster Phoenix on the internet, bloodying up Alexis’ stolen computer with his wrist stump. “Hmm, Aster Phoenix seems nearly perfect.” He pointed to dozens of pictures with him cosplaying as the eponymous Strike Witches. “He’s taken Comiket by storm with his cosplaying skills, graduated from X-Treeeem Sports College with two PhDs in awesome, won every professional match he’s been in to date, AND he has REALLY blue eyes. It’s unsettling how perfect he is. Boy, he even has a SECRET PAST!”

“Boy, it seems unlikely he’d ever turn to CRIMEFIGHTING!” Senkaiyoh laughed!

“Dammit, she’s already controlling the plot,” Syrus Sy-ed. Suddenly, a traditional-looking bomb flew through the window behind his head!

“DIE COPYCAT!!” some freak shrieked. Alexis reached out, grabbed it by the fuse, and threw it back out.

“No thanks!” Alexis yelled.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—” The freak exploded, taking the bomb out with him.

“I knew I was going to get death threats,” Syrus muttered in depression.

“Let’s cut to Aster Phoenix beating up criminals,” Chazz decided.

 

Aster Phoenix fell down above the Duel Academy card shop building section of the building, because everybody knows where it’s located. “AI-YAH!!” he shouted, punching as hard as he could! The force of his blow cushioned his fall, blowing the ceiling apart! He dropped like a feather and landed with a small ‘TAP’.

“GAH!!” screamed a random man in hefty robber clothing, striped black and white. He had a duffel bag full of stolen cards.

“You know what?” Aster asked.

“U-u-uhhh, that in order to stop me you caused more property damage by destroying the roof than I would by stealing these cards?” the robber suggested.

“That’s true, but also… you can’t fight your destiny… OF ME PUNCHING YOUR FACE!!” Aster punched him in the face, causing an epic purple explosion and changing his body forever…

 

“My goodness, what was that explosion?” Crowler cried, carrying Bonaparte toward the scene of the crime! “Did you hear that?”

“My aunt in Paris heard it,” Bonaparte sighed, rolling his marble-like eyes. “Really, who writes this connerie?”

 

“IT’S HERO TIME!!” Jaden cried, running to the same location with Syrus, Mann McOldsmobile, Hassleberry, Bastion, and his re-equipped Omega-Xis.

“What was up with that explosion?” Syrus asked. “We don’t HAVE purple explosions!”

“I think he can tell you,” Omega-Xis said, pointing to the figures up ahead. They arrived at the point of explosion, a broken wall with one Aster Phoenix, and one wolf in robber clothing.

“Oh, that’s what happens when you punch a robber into a dog-like form. I was going to turn him into a coyote, but I put too much force into my punch,” Aster explained. “And here, mister, you can have these cards as long as you want… IN PRISON!! HA HA HA HA HA!!” He began dropping forty Lolwuts atop the wolf.

“*Generic wolf whimper*” he said.

“SILENCE, ASSAULTIST!!” Senkaiyoh shouted, assaulting him from behind! He threw the wolf in the way. He took the full impact, exploding… into a mess of red meat and sinew. “EXPLAIN YOURSELF, THIEF!!”

“You got me all wrong, gal,” Aster said with a wink, “THIS was the punk who thought that crime would pay off. But now HE’S going to pay… IN JAIL.”

“OH MY GOSH, THAT’S ASTER PHOENIX!!” Crowler squealed! “HE’S FINALLY HERE!”

“Stand down, mon angette!” Bonaparte pleaded! “Don’t slawtuh the big stah of the ‘cademy!”

“My gosh,” Mann McOldsmobile gasped, standing over the criminal wolf, “he really DID get transformed into a wolf in one blow! I can only do it in three!”

“IGNORE THEM!” Crowler shouted! “Bastion, please take these children away.”

“Yes ma’am,” Bastion complied, pulling everybody one step away.

“Now Aster, how do you do?”

“You don’t matter in this episode,” Aster said bluntly. “I mean, a puppet and a shemale? Who cares about you?”

“I don’t know if I’m a puppet or not,” Bonaparte sniffed.

“That’s just rude,” Crowler muttered, turning and leaving with her marionette.

 

“You insulted my dada!” Senkaiyoh announced, holding one arm outward and one hand on her head! “With the world as my witness, I shall hold you accountable!”

“What, are you gonna shoot me?” Aster asked. “In THAT pose?!”

“Kinda! It’s my Serious-Time Pose!” Senkaiyoh agreed, holding out a shotgun in her right arm.

“Wait a minute!” Mann McOldsmobile exclaimed! “What if this character is too important to kill off?!”

“So?” Senkaiyoh wondered.

“That’s BAD,” he stressed.

“Oh, if you say so,” Senkaiyoh gave in, causing the gun to fade into air.

“Now if you would please step out of my way,” Aster requested.

“Okay,” Senkaiyoh said.

“NOW you choose to be civil?!” Bastion whined. “Let’s all stop bothering.”

“That’s just how she rolls, and on that note, shouldn’t you be rollin’ on outta this place?” Hassleberry ordered sternly. “Like we’d Duel you after insulting our friend on national television?”

“Sure,” Jaden said. “I like to Duel.” And it’ll give me a chance to get this jerk-butt punk to lay off of the small folk like Sy! Jaden reassured. I don’t care if he insulted me on nationally syndicated television news shows full of lies, like Channel Four or the really high-numbered one nobody watches, but he’s got another thing comin’ if he thinks he can insult Sy and Ms. C-Rowler like that!

“Good!” Aster replied. “Then it’s settled, we’re Dueling tomorrow at some sort of time. I don’t want any other spectators besides these kids here.”

“Yay!” Senkaiyoh cheered.

“Fine!” barked Jaden.

“Fine!” mewed Aster.

“Woo!” Syrus said.

 

That night was spent with much happy partying, drinking, and laughs shared between Jaden Yuki and Aster Phoenix. Syrus was almost killed three more times. Senkaiyoh tried forcing herself on Mann McOldsmobile again. But it was all okay, because Tyranno Hassleberry performed his special dinosaur puppet show, and Bastion laughed and laughed…

 

THE! NEXT!! DAY!!!

Sometime in the morning, the J-Dawgz was sitting in the Duel Dome, waiting for the big event. Two mysterious workers and Janitorboy Ikkaku were plugging giant cables into the base of the Dueling stage. “Uh, what’s this even do?” Yumichika Ayasegawa asked.

“Don’t ask,” Janitorboy Ikkaku stated.

“But why’s it spewing raw sewage all over the floor?” asked Rangiku Matsumoto, pointing to a mess spread all over the floor (and growing).

“Don’t ask, just plug the bastard in,” Janitorboy Ikkaku stated.

 

Jaden and Aster themselves began to step up into place and hold out their Duel Disks. “Don’t worry,” Syrus called out, “everybody from last night is here to support you!”

“We believe in you, even if we don’t look like it!” Omega-Xis added.

“Senkaiyyyyyyoh!” Senkaiyoh chided adorably.

“Uh, thanks yo,” Jaden chuckled, finding solace somehow!

“OOH,” ‘ooh’ed Winged Kuriboh, floating out of Jaden’s hair.

“Who’re you? Either way,” Jaden understood, “I’m not gonna hold anything back.”

“Really?” Aster asked. “Well then this should be interesting.” He snapped his fingers. “Duel!!” (Aster: 4000 Life Points, Jaden: 4000 Life Points)

“Real go-getter, ain’cha?” Hassleberry called.

“Let’m be, tiger,” Jaden said.

“But I’m the tiger!” Bastion gulped.

“It don’t matter as long as his cards do the talkin’.”

 

Standing just out of sight and mind, Beehive Larry muttered into a crystal blue cell phone. “Uh, hey, mister Sartorius? I was told to tell you when Aster Duels Jaden, so… yeah.”

“Really?” Sartorius responded, sitting in a nice Motel 6 room with his male compatriot. They were playing on a hastily-connected Game Cube. “Then it is only a matter of time until this boy falls to the light, mweh heh heh.” He held up a Jo Jo Tarot card featuring an old Indiana Jones-type man with a purple vine of thorns around his arm. “Hermit Purple? Then he will certainly have a lot to reflect on after this match…”

“Sorry, I just make the calls, I don’t care about them,” Beehive Larry groaned.

“Fine then, boy. Just know that Stephen is almost there. Keep him safe.” Both parties cut off their phones.

“Hey, was that Larry?” Stephen Boyd asked.

 

“Sounds like somebody’s real excited ‘bout this bout,” Jaden chuckled.

“BOO,” someone said.

“OOH, OOH,” Winged Kuriboh urged, shaking its finger in warning.

“Don’t worry, I got everything under control. We’re winnin’ this scrap!” swore Jaden. The winged guy nodded and imploded away.

“You’re letting your guard down, y’cocky bastard!” Mann McOldsmobile called! “You’re already using a song with your name on it! Don’t push your luck and such n’ such!”

“Don’t do that!” Syrus warned.

“Gotcha!” Jaden called out.

 

Just listen to these flunkies, Aster thought with a grimace, they don’t even know what they’re facing. My new cards’ll make the E-Heroes look like Ojamas and Kuribohs! Because we hate those! “Are we about ready?” he begged.

“Listen up!” Jaden cried. “It’s time t’loosen that tie, roll up yo sleeves, put on yo work pants, get out there, harvest them pum’kins and GET YOUR GAME OOOOON!!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“Yeah, whatever,” Aster groaned, drawing his starting hand of six. He tossed an Elemental Hero Clayman onto the field. He appeared in a triumphant pose! “Defense Mode, please.” Clayman obeyed and fell apart into all sorts of fun clay shapes. (Fun to play with not to eat.) (Clayman: 2000 Defense Points) “Not bad, eh? Your move.”

“This is terrible. I can’t even EAT that!” Omega-Xis cried.

“How dreadful!” Bastion realized. “In this Duel, Jaden’s going to have to face some of his FAVORITE monsters – and some of his LEAST favorite monsters!!”

“I remember that quote!!” Mann McOldsmobile gasped!

“Well here goes SOMETHING!!” our hero announced, tearing a new card out from his deck.

“BOO,” someone said.

Jaden looked at the new card. “Hey, not bad.”

“Stop making bad jokes already!” Aster shrieked!

“Hey, I’m not the one nicknamed APple,” Jaden reminded, “or ApPle for short.”

“You don’t even remember what you made that nickname for anyway!”

“All I know is that I’m playin’ some def Polymerization beats in da hizzie!” Jaden cast his Polymerization magic, calling Avian and Burstinatrix to the field!

“BOO-”

“Hi Aster,” Avian greeted.

“Ugh, I told you never to call me again!” Aster shouted.

“Oh, I forgot.” As Avian felt the icy grip of depression, he and Burstinatrix combined to form Flame Wingman, surrounded in a haze of flame and heroicosity! (Flame Wingman: 2100 Attack Points)

 

“Now use your Infernal Rage attack! I like that one!” Jaden commanded! Flame Wingman held out one humanoid finger and aimed it at Clayman’s child-friendly pieces. The flames encasing him spiraled out of control and engulfed Clayman! He melted into clay byproducts.

“AND NOW START ENJOYING OF DA SUPA POWA!!” Senkaiyoh shouted, taking the spotlight! Flame Wingman teleported into Aster’s face, blasting him with a surge of holographic fire.

“Ugh,” he groaned. (Aster: 3200 Life Points)

“Sorry Senkai, it’s only fun when I say it,” Jaden sighed.

“SENKAIYOH!!” Senkaiyoh corrected, giving up the spotlight.

 

His OWN Avian and Burstinatrix cards descended to the field, swirling like cake mix in a bowl of antiheroicness to form the Phoenix Enforcer! (Phoenix Enforcer: 2100 Attack Points) He hovered above the floor and whipped his tail around in beastlike anticipation.

“OH SNAPPY SNAP-SNAP SNAPSKY!!” Omega-Xis shouted! “HE’S GOIN’ BUCK-WILD IN THIS JOINT!!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“Omega-Xis, please don’t try to be cute,” Bastion asked.

“No, listen! Isn’t that one invincible in battle?” Omega-Xis recalled. “He’s killing our flagship Hero!”

“OH NO!” screamed Bastion!

“Why does your hand have to talk?” Hassleberry asked.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff!” Jaden told.

“But it’s not small! His hand’s a robot and Flame Wingman’s going to die!” Syrus insisted.

“I’m an ALIEN robot!!” Omega-Xis corrected. “Gosh.”

Mann McOldsmobile whispered, “He’s not a robot.”

“But don’t worry!” Jaden laughed. “I’ve been wantin’ to face this monster and beat it! Come at me, Phoenix Enforcer!” The Phoenix Enforcer zipped into Jaden’s face, bringing a large wind with him. Less than a second later, Flame Wingman’s body began to rip open in giant chunks, erupting in flame and blood. In two seconds, he fell into thick chunks and exploded.

 

“What, are you seriously inviting my attacks?” Aster asked. “Our decks are similar, but not equal.”

“Pulling racism into this, ApleP? I’m disappointed in you.”

“Stop that!” Aster growled. “And I’m saying that our decks reflect ourselves unto our enemies! You seem to take battles as a game, whereas I’m dead serious! I’m being professional against you, while you’re just lying about. I’m better, so my deck’s better.”

“Offensive!” Senkaiyoh shouted!

“It don’t matter if my deck’s black or white! I can still beat’cha if I believe!” Jaden boasted! “I summon Elemental Hero Bubbleman to activate his anime effect and draw two cads as the only card on my field!” Bubbleman spun onto the field with a cover of bubbles, allowing Jaden to draw two cards unnoticed during the chaos! And they’re all none the wiser, heh heh, he gloated.

“You TOLD us the EFFECT already! Stop thinking you’re so slick!!” Aster groaned. “I’m tired of being your tsukomi act already!”

“Adam Pandora, you’d better calm thyself down a bit,” Jaden suggested. “See? AP? Adam Pandora?”

“That’s not short for Aster Phoenix anymore, is it?” Mann McOldsmobile thought.

“Next I activate The Warrior Returning Alive to bring back my Avian!” He slapped down his card and Avian rose from the grave, covered in bloody arrows!

“I WILL NEVER DIEEEEEEYUH!!” Avian roared!

“Fusion number two, activate!!” Jaden held aloft his second Polymerization of the episode, calling Sparkman out from his hand! Avian latched onto Sparkman’s back and stuck Bubbleman onto his right arm.

“Heh heh, this is fool-proof,” Avian snickered. In anger, Sparkman pushed both men off and slammed Bubbleman into Avian’s face! “Oogh… I guess I’m… not that immortal…” The two backwater Heroes exploded, and Sparkman began emitting some sort of ruddy aura! (Mad Sparkman: 1600 -> 2800 Attack Points)

“Ehhh, I was s’posed t’summon Tempest, but the rage-boost’s fine,” Jaden excused. “Bash On, Sparkman!” Mad Sparkman flew at the audience area, ripped up a bunch of chairs right out of the building’s foundations, and threw them at Phoenix Enforcer’s head. They bounced off of his skull and he fell over, unconscious. (Aster: 2500 Life Points)

 

“What a move,” Aster mocked, “how could I ever bounce back?”

“His holographic monster threw a real chair at you,” Hassleberry said. “CAN you bounce back?”

“Sure,” Aster believed, playing the forth Polymerization of the day. YES, ANOTHER ONE.

“Oh man, what’s he going to summon THIS time?!” Syrus gulped.

“MY PHOENIX ENFORCER SHALL EVOLVE EVEN FURTHER! SPARKMAN, JOIN HIM!” Aster ordered!

Sparkman’s brother Sparkman walked out onto Aster’s side of the field and bent down to check on Phoenix Enforcer. “B… brother?” Mad Sparkman called.

Sparkman’s brother Sparkman looked up and said, “Sorry, but I have to do this.” He picked up Phoenix Enforcer and ate him. His energies began bubbling up inside, covering his body in green. His arms and legs became covered in cybernetics and talons, upon his back grew shining, mechanical wings, and his helmet became silver and spiked like a crazy sea anemone. He became… A SHINING EXAMPLE OF PERSONAL HEROISM. (Shining Phoenix Enforcer: 2500 Attack Points)

“And then he gains three-hundred Attack Points for each Elemental Hero in my Graveyard, just like Shining Flame Wingman,” Jaden and Aster both explained simultaneously. “Stop copying me! What?! RRRRG…”

“I like asscheese!!” Jaden cried. Aster stayed quiet. “Aw man, if you’re gonna copy ALL MY MOVES, then at least copy the humiliating things I say! Because you’re not original. Get it?”

 

“Grow up, kid! SPE, destroy his Sparkman!” The evolved Sparkman’s brother Sparkman recalled all of his fallen allies. It caused him to glow blazing white, and… shed five tears… (Shining Phoenix Enforcer: 2500 -> 4000 Attack Points) “USE SOLAR POWER!!” Mad Sparkman found himself unable to come to attack his brother, Sparkman. He dispelled his aura and dropped to his knees.

“Brother,” his brother, Sparkman, or Shining Phoenix Enforcer, called, “PLEASE TAKE THIS! MY SOOOOOOOUL!!” He burst through the ceiling and into the sky, traveling into outer space. Within seconds he reached the sun. Sparkman grabbed the sun in his left hand and held his right out to the arena. “SOLAR RIGHT!!” he announced, channeling the energy through his body and out his hand, firing a concentrated stream of prominence. Back on earth, Mad Sparkman looked up to the heavens and saw the blaze coming. Yet he was at peace.

“I’m so… sorry,” he muttered. He was struck by the full force of our native star. Mad Sparkman was erased forever, only leaving us with Sparkman. Sparkman fell back down through the roof and into his proper place on the field. (Jaden: 2800 Life Points)

“That’s enough for one turn I’d say,” Aster said with a sly grin. “I’ll just place one card face-down and end my turn.”

“Is EVERY game like this?” Hassleberry asked.

“Only the good ones,” Syrus said. “But it’s not good just YET.”

“Contradictory!” Senkaiyoh called.

 

“I say nay, Senkaiyay!” Jaden disagreed! “Things’re about to start REALLY heatin’ up with my POT OF GREED PITCH!!” Jaden tossed a Pot of Green hologram into Sparkman’s face. The cybernetic behemoth crumpled to the floor and leaked blood.

“What’s wrong with all your immortals?” Bastion inspected. “They suck.”

“You shut up, the source material even made fun of how useless you were periodically!” Aster attacked!

“Low blow, kid…”

“It matters not!” Jaden’s hand leaked greenish energy into his Duel Disk as he picked up his two next cards: Miracle Fusion and Skyscraper! “Sweetness! I play Miracle Fusion, performing a Fusion Summon by removing two Elemental Heroes from my Graveyard!” Two bluish flames fluttered about the field for a moment. They took the shape of Sparkman and Flame Wingman from beyond all time and space? The two souls combined into the form of Shining Flare Wingman, whose armor dwarfed the radiance of Sparkman’s, whose wings unfurled to twice his size and length, and whose attacks are way more impressive. (Shining Flare Wingman: 2500 Attack Points)

“Now who’s the copycat?” Jaden asked. “… Damn, you were supposed to say that.”

“… Just say the damn lines.”

“Fine! If you think he’s strong now, he gains twelve-hundred Attack Points for all the Heroes in my Graveyard!” Shining Flare Wingman mustered all the feeling he could for his fallen compatriots… and cried four-THOUSAND tears. They burst right out of his helmet, drenching the field in the pain of a real man’s world. His headgear fell to the ground, revealing his original-flavor head!

“Gone… but not forgotten…” (Shining Flare Wingman: 2500 -> 3700 Attack Points) Everybody’s heart strings were tugged.

 

“Sure, it’s real moving, and you knocked my monster unconscious again, but where’s the threat in summoning such a weak trump monster?” boasted the Phoenix, flipping some hair out of his eyes.

“Um, I’m also equipping him with Light Laser, so anybody he fights gets removed from play,” Jaden said. A headpiece with one azure crystal in its center appeared on Shining Flare Wingman’s cranium.

“So? That’s still not enough.”

“Um, I’m also playing Skyscraper so I gain Attack Points when I attack a stronger monster,” Jaden said. The ground rumbled erratically, firing a cityfull of towers all around the Duel Dome! A sudden radio tower ripped through Sparkman’s chest and wore him all the way to the top of the city.

“Ooooooh crap,” Aster cursed. Shining Flare Wingman took one leap and flew all the way to the top of the tower to meet his foe. He pulled him off of the antenna, slicing most of his body in half. He slowly started to repair himself within seconds. But who cares? Shining Flare Wingman began punching Sparkman at a rate of 6500 fpm (fists per minute), shattering his body. The hero whipped his mirror around by the arm, grabbed him by the neck, and headbutted him in the forehead hard enough to shatter his form into thousands of tiny pieces. Then he fired his laser. (Shining Flare Wingman: 3700 -> 4700 Attack Points)

 

One piercing ray of light burst through the headpiece, exploding it, and it encaptured every bit of this immortal’s body. They were all eradicated. The immortal was dead. Just like the last one. I should stop with the small sentences. The wingman of shining flames and such then lifted up the radio tower, flipped it upside-down, covered it in white fire, and threw it at Aster. THE HELL?!?! he thought! JUST HOW MUCH POWER DOES HE HAVE?! He jumped back and landed on his bottom as the tower broke into the pavement just a few feet away. The fire put itself out and the tower fell into ashen steelbits. The true hero of the sun dropped to his commander once again, satisfied. “….. DAAAAAAYUM,” Aster yelled, for it was all he could say.

“HELL YEAH!!” Syrus and Mann McOldsmobile shouted!

“PRODIGIOUS!” Bastion yelped, for it was all he knew.

“I DON’T GET IT BUT IT WORKS!!” Senkaiyoh and Hassleberry gave.

“You’ll get used to it in a minute,” Syrus coached. “You haven’t seen anything yet! I hope.”

 

“I broke your composure, yo!” Jaden realized, rubbing his head with accomplishment. “That’s gotta count for sumthin’, Aster! This Duel is so freakin’ dope, man! Heroes goin’ head-to-head? It’s a DC Marvel crossover except without the inevitably bad writing!”

“WHAT’S WITH YOU, YOU FOOL?!” Aster barked!

“What?” Jaden checked.

“YOU THINK THIS IS ALL JUST SOME GAME?!” Aster leaped to his feet and clenched his free hand into a fist of raeg (a form of rage so intense that it disregards all rules of spelling). “Just shut your mouth! You think this is going to be like last time, that I’ll just be some sort of pushover! This time I’m using all of my power! Your job is to help me to continue my evolution for my justice and my revenge!”

“Um, do you know what a card game is for?” Syrus asked.

“It’s all about vengeance,” Aster answered.

“Senkaiyoh, shoot him.”

“Okay!”

“Don’t shoot me,” Aster declined.

“Okay!”

“ You keep disrespecting me with that attitude of yours, you little upstart!” Aster shrieked.

“Like this?” Jaden suggested, making his raep face (a form of rape face so intense that it disregards all rules of spelling).

“I SAID STOP!! People like you are always choosing the monsters they think are the best, or the ones that look the coolest! A true Duelist uses the deck that was MADE for them! The one that fits them one-hundred percent! Forgo all disgusting desire and grab the one gifted to you from your future! Your fate! Your

” His Trap card flipped up. It had a cup of tea in a porcelain cup… with a D in it. “I activate Dude Time!”

“HM!!” Senkaiyoh gasped!

“What, what is it?” Bastion asked. “Do you know about that card?”

“No, but Dude Time sounds funny!” Senkaiyoh giggled.

“Wait, ‘D’?” Hassleberry deliberated. “That’s like Jaden’s ‘H’!’

 

“Of course I can’t be playing these paltry Elemental Hero monsters forever,” Aster explained, “so it’s time I moved onto a NEW BREED OF HERO!”

“Title drop!” Nancy Wut said.

“When an Elemental Hero leaves the field, I can play this to add a Destiny Hero from my deck to my hand,” Aster explained, taking one card from his deck.

“What do you mean, ‘Destiny Hero’?” Jaden asked.

“You ever hear about a Hero series produced by Industrial Illusions Duel Monsters Inc. that was never produced?” Aster asked.

“It was never produced.”

“…”

“…”

“… Well, my father was the one to create them,” explained Aster. “So I have the only copies in the universe! I’ll show you their true power, starting with this: my Field Spell Imprisoning Big Ben Revenger of Dude!” The city of skyscrapers shattered like the illusion it was! A regal clock tower and manor grew in its place, taking the scene into nighttime! The clocks were displaying the hour as eleven.

“Oh my,” Bastion gasped, short of breath and blushing suddenly.

“Don’t get any funny ideas,” Syrus Sy-ed.

“Is he in love with Big Ben or something?” Mann McOldsmobile whispered hoarsely.

“And now I’ll introduce you to the world!” Aster promised! “Appear, Destiny Hero Doomy Devil Dude Guy!!” A caped figure with ridiculously-tall neck-head armor appeared. His skin was bone-crushingly pale and his arms were gut-punchingly long with tooth-rippingly long fingers! He seemed ready… for your doom. (DHDDDG: 600 Attack Points)

 

“Hee, more like ‘Dumb’ Hero,” Senkaiyoh joked. “He’s a wimp! Just like Avian!”

“Don’t you compare him to Avian!”Aster denied. “Let’s save that one for later.”

“Seriously though he makes me wanna cry,” Jaden admitted. “What’s with the hokey name?”

“My dad never got around to naming his cards, so I, uh, did it when I was six,” Aster told.

“HA! You were lame when small.”

“SHAAAAP!!” Aster commanded. “My Destiny Heroes control time. As in, time and space, y’know? They’re MUCH more powerful than your paltry elements! You may as well be using Vehicroids at this point!”

“Hey!” Syrus sobbed.

“Doomy Devil Dude Guy, go! Doom Touch!!” The mysterious customer somehow disappeared, leaving the afterimage of a clock face. He reappeared with the same symbol behind Shining Flare Wingman, touched him, and leaped back into place. Shining Flare Wingman began convulsing madly, appearing to collapse into himself!

“Ciao,” Aster bade. The Elemental Hero imploded without a trace. “See you in two turns.”

“… Well that sucks,” Jaden decided.

“Heh heh heh.” Aster’s hair began to flow around in a subdued manner. His eyes turned a deep, glowing cerulean. “By the time I’m done with you, you’ll know the true meaning of ‘suck’, trust me!”

“WOO—EEE, DOUBLE-ENTENDRE!!” Senkaiyoh cited!

“OH NO, NOT LIKE THAT!!” shrieked Aster, Hassleberry, Jaden and Mann McOldsmobile.

 

[spoiler=NEXT EPISODE:]The Duel between Jaden and Aster heats up! Aster’s Dude cards are pullin’ out ALL the stops, ESPECIALLY when Destiny Hero Plasma is introduced! And with all of Jaden’s cards negated, how the hell did he just summon Elemental Hero Electrum and blow up the whole field?!?! You’ll have to find out next time on episode sixty-five: Jaden Grows Up! What Makes a Dude? It’ll be so disappointing, I promise!

 

 

[Weather Report - Stand]

Alright, here we are. Another episode. Aster finishes off Jaden, as we all saw coming, blablabla.

 

[spoiler=Episode 65: A New Breed of Hero - Part Two]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. The Fan Fic

Episode 65: A New Breed of Hero – Part Two

 

Where we last left off, Jaden’s Shining Flare Wingman had been slapped into the future by a person named Destiny Hero Doomy Devil Dude Guy and Aster had started to exhibit super powers. “He he ha ha,” Jaden snickered, “dudes, lay off the harshin’ vibes! It’s all gonna turn out the way it should.”

“Exactly,” Aster agreed as his eyes glowed and his hair floated a tiny bit.

“Shut your face!” Mann McOldsmobile shouted!

“Exactly!” Senkaiyoh agreed! “I mean, to what Manny said!”

“Exactly!” Hassleberry and Jaden agreed! Jaden drew one card.

“Look out, now,” Aster warned, pointing to the giant Big Ben representatives. They began to display a change in time! The faces flipped over, displaying ’11:15’ in digital numbers.

“Egads! What does that mean? It’s only ten-forty on my watch!” Bastion yelped, checking his Omega-Xis wrist.

 

“Don’t worry yourself about it,” Aster sighed. “I’ll tell you when the clock strikes YOUR DOOM.”

“Oh yeah?” Jaden boasted. “Well in that case I’m about t’STOP time!!”

“Ooooh, one-liner!” Syrus admired.

“Thanks, Sy,” Jaden thanked. “Anyways, I don’t think I’m the only one who realized what happened to your eyes?”

“I’m too powerful to tell you right now!” Aster stated.

“Damn your excuses!” Jaden shouted! “Sic ‘em, boy, yo!” Wroughtweiler jumped out and tackled Destiny Hero Doomy Devil Dude Guy, exploding him! (Wroughtweiler: 800 Attack Points, DHDDDG: 600 Attack Points) The explosion caused Wroughtweiler to fall on his back, writhing pathetically like a turtle, but worse. Like an attack dog. (Aster: 1600 Life Points)

“Thanks, now I can play my Trap card: Dude Signal!” His Trap card flipped face-up and shot a D into the air.

“HOT DAMN!!” the men shrieked!

“Cool!” Senkaiyoh said. “Dude.”

“It’s, uh original,” Jaden joked. “What’re you gonna summon?”

 

“Destiny Hero Gen. Tenacious Diehard Guy the Dude!” Aster called! A spiny shell flipped out of the D-Signal, breaking it apart. It broke open, revealing it to be two halves of battlearmshields on an orange-sorbet-colored haired man, wearing only boots and an eye-scarring thong! (DHGTDGD: 800 Attack Points)

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” the men shrieked, spewing blood all over the ceiling! “IT’S AN EXHIBITIONIST CLAYMAN!! MY BRAIN HAS BEEN DEFLOWEREEEEED!!”

“He tends to do that,” Aster said with a smirk.

“Hee hee hee hee,” the fallen general chuckled.

“And now it’s time to show his little ‘talent’,” Aster said.

“OH GOD” Senkaiyoh shouted.

“ARISE!” screamed Destiny Hero General Tenacious Guy the Dude. He stomped the ground. A blue wireframe appeared next to him, shook and broke open, sending forth tiny clock icons. Destiny Hero Doomy Devil Dude Guy stood out from the structure. The two guys performed a hi-five.

“You see, while Doomy Devil Dude Guy manipulates time for enemies,” Aster explained, “General Tenacious Guy the Dude can teleport his allies to his side the turn as they ‘die’.”

“So they all freaking mess with time? ALL of them?!” Syrus gulped. “Cheap-ass b****es!”

“Well said, cheap-ass b****,” Aster complimented. “Now if you don’t excuse me, I’ll summon Destiny Hero Da Rolex Dude Guy!!” A cool, stylin’ black guy appeared, wearing diamonds all over his body, up to and including over his eyes as a visor. His pale hair flew about like a wispy flame and he wore a pretty crappy watch. He put his wrist up to his head and tried to look at the time.

“… Nnnn…” He groaned. “Damn glasses.” He attempted to take his eyepiece off like glasses. It wouldn’t come off easily. (DHDRDG: 1600 Attack Points) In defeat, he began taking out several faulty ‘RLEX’ diamond watches from his coat and held them over Wroughtweiler.

“HIS power is to change the timing of earthly events, so I can pick up the top card of my deck and send it to the Graveyard if it’s a Spell,” Aster told. “I can then activate it on my next turn if possible.” He flipped up his next card. It was Misfortune! “How appropriate!” he chuckled. The watches all disappeared and Da Rolex Guy strolled back into his spot.

“Darn, that’s the card that beat Zane last night!” Hassleberry identified!

“JADEN, LOOK THE f*** OUT!!” Omega-Xis yelled!

“Language, Mega! Geez!” Jaden ordered.

“Sorry… OH CRAP LOOK OUT!!”

 

The dog suddenly flipped onto his feet in anticipation.

“RARARARARARARARA” Wroughtweiler yapped incessantly! Its body suddenly broke open as the past-watches appeared inside of his body, breaking it from the inside. (Jaden: 2200 Life Points)

“Thanks, AP Central!” Jaden thanked. “When that sunofajabroni dog kicks it, I get two sweet cards from the Graveyard: one E-Hero and one Polymerization!” He reclaimed his Bubbleman and his Spell to be used for the fifth time that day.

“Does it matter? Doomy Devil Guy Dude, help out the General,” suggested Aster as tiny icons began dotting his eyes in a ring.

“Eh?” gasped Jaden.

“HA!!” The two other D-Heroes held one arm forward. This sent a ripple through the air, flying into Jaden’s chest.

“G-GWAAAHH!!” Jaden cried, clutching at his heart! The organ had been accelerated by five times for a few seconds. Jaden dropped to his hands and knees and gulped in air. (Jaden: 1400 Life Points)

“THE TIME. IS. ELEVEN. THIRTY.” announced the two great clocks.

“You heard it, it’s time for your turn,” Aster said, setting one card face-down. “I’ll just hurry up and set a card. Go ahead, make your move.”

“Are you alright Jaden?” Bastion called out. “You can always quit!”

“We won’t make fun of you for too long!” Syrus assured.

“Th-thanks,” Jaden thanked, “but this is the real deal now. He’s… Aster’s…”

“A Psychic,” Aster said. “I know, like you.”

“Psychic?” Hassleberry wondered. “But…”

“We can both manipulate the effects of Duel Monsters and reflect them unto real life!” Aster said. “We’re more alike than you realize, Jaden, and yet the gulf between us will never narrow. I nearly killed you in a subtle manner. What can you do?”

“I… I…” Jaden rose up and grit his teeth. “I C’N SUMMON MAH BUBBLEMAN!!” Bubbleman was summoned. (Bubbleman: 800 Attack Points) “He’s gonna save me some TIME by lettin’ me draw two cards!” Jaden shouted, doing so.

“BOO,” someone said.

“Next I’m gonna CLEAN your CLOCK with BUBBLE BAZOOKA!!” Jaden added, summoning the weapon into his ally’s arms! (Bubbleman: 1600 Attack Points)

“BOO,” someone said.

“I SED LET’S CLEAN SUM CLOCKZ!!” Jaden roared! Bubbleman fired a large spray of water, all flooding toward General Diehard Guy the Dude!

“Sorry to BURST your BUBBLE,” Aster said, spitting the joke like poison, “but I play Dude Shield!” His Trap card disappeared and a blocky Dude made of giant slabs of stone fell from above, guarding in front of his ally! Two bright blue clock symbols appeared above his fattyrock arms. The stream of water began to slow as it came at his symbols, eventually coming to a stop. He safely smacked it all out of the air.

“Who in the world is that guy?” Bastion gasped.

“Dude Shield brings out Destiny Hero Defendguydude to shield my General, but he can’t count as a monster as long as the Trap’s active,” Aster explained. “He also leaves when the card’s discarded. But for now, he’ll slow any attack you throw at the General from infinity to zero in an instant!”

“Why’d they promote that guy to General in the first place?”

“I don’t know.” (DHGDDG: 800 Defense Points)

 

“But now it’s my turn again,” Aster signified, drawing a card.

“Oh hey Wingman’s back now,” Jaden said simply. His monster appeared once again, shedding some LIGHT on this situation! (SFW: 3400 Attack Points)

“Oh hey no he’s not,” Aster said simply. Doom Lord smacked Shining Flare Wingman upside the head as some masked man in a suit pushed him into Jaden. They toppled to the floor and the Elemental Hero was catapulted through time once more. (Jaden: 150 Life Points)

“Wha, wha, what the heck?!” Mann McOldsmobile gasped.

“My Misfortune Spell card from earlier activated too, y’know,” Aster whistled. “You lost Life Points equal to half his Attack Points. You sure are as lucky as I was told, kid…”

 

“Crap, that’s not a lot of Life Points,” Syrus muttered. “You could stand a comeback now, Jay.”

“This game is so interesting,” Bastion noted curiously. “All of Jaden’s moves are being blocked off or predetermined for him, locking him down in an endless loop! If you’re going to win this match, Jaden, you have to blitz through him in one blow!”

“Um, okay, but if he tries knocking your head off, I’ll shoot his arms off,” Senkaiyoh promised.

“Thanks for the suggestions, but I’ll be okay guys,” Jaden re-reassured.

“Maybe not,” Aster disagreed.

“What d’YOU know, ACTION Aster Phoenix?”

Aster twitched.

 

MEANWHILE, AT THE DENNY’S…

Sartorius and Stephen Boyd were sitting at a table in a Denny’s™ high-quality eating establishment, waiting for their delectable platters of eggs and sausages. “Do you really have to do that here, with all the people watching?” Stephen asked. “It’s awkward.”

“Yeah, it really is,” an onlooker proclaimed. Sartorius stuck his column of hair into his face. The man fell over, out cold.

“You can never be too careful,” Sartorius decided. He flipped up a card with a diabolical old man and his airborne grey Hercules beetle. “Hmm, the Tower of Grey. Jaden has a bit of a trip scheduled, then. Mweh heh heh heh heh.”

“Whatever,” Stephen said, shrugging it all off.

“The Tower card signifies a dangerous journey, Stephen,” said Sartorius, “meaning he may just be out of the picture long enough to put our ultimate plan into action.”

“Really now?” Stephen asked, with a healthy gleam of interest in his eye. “Ow, something’s in my eye.” He dug it out.

 

BACK AT THE RANCH… OF DUEL MONSTERS…

“I gotta hand it to you, those Dudes of yours are some of the rockin’-est monsters ‘round town,” Jaden complimented.

“Compliments from a weakling like you mean nothing,” Aster said.

“Okay, then how about this?” Jaden asked, getting into some sort of power-pose. A green aura flooded out of his body and covered him in power.

“I think we’re getting somewhere,” Aster decided.

“My gosh, his power’s spiking!” Senkaiyoh cried!

“No kidding,” Syrus said. “If you want power, see episode fifty-eight.”

“Now, I gotta hand it to you, those Dudes—”

“It STILL means nothing if you can just say it again like that!” Aster declined.

“THE TIME. IS. ELEVEN. FORTY. FIVE.”

“SHADDAP!” Omega-Xis yelled. “Somebody turn it off, please.”

“I’ll get on it!” Jaden promised! “Now Bubbleman, Blast that Brutha’ with some BomBBarding BuBBle Barrage!!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“That joke is so forced it hurts,” Aster said. “See you in a second, Devil Dude Guy.” The demonic member of the team was targeted by the water flow, but was caught within a wireframe of bluish energy, teleporting him through time. The attack flew right into Aster, who took it in the face. “…OOOOOWWW,” he groaned. (Aster: 600 Life Points) “Alright, I’ll give you this, that freaking stings.”

“I know, right?” Jaden agreed as Clayman appeared. (Clayman: 2000 Defense Points)

“Yowzer!” Hassleberry had to say.

“Huh?

 

“Okay now, bring him back around,” Aster commanded. The General gave a thumbs-up. The digital frame appeared again, unfurling itself into Doomy Devil Dude Guy once more. “Next I’ll send Bubbleman into the future, check the top card of my deck, and give the General an Equip card.” Doom Lord punched Bubbleman, Diamond Dude summoned a Magical Stone Excavation, and a large ring fell onto the General’s head with a loud ‘THUNK’.

“So explain the last two things,” Bastion obliged.

“Sure,” Aster accepted. “Magical Stone Excavation next turn will allow me to discard two cards and add a Spell card into my hand from the Graveyard, and my Equip, Ring of Magnetism, makes it so that the only Attack Target you’re allowed is the General!”

“That means you’ve chosen that card, then.”

Everybody knew it: He’s going to get Misfortune!

“Well then, try and stop me,” Aster suggested. “If you want to win, then don’t get hurt.”

“One can play at that game!” Jaden announced, drawing his next card.

“And I’m already playing it,” Aster burned.

“Well… I play for KEEPS!”

“But you’re all out of CONTINUES!”

“You forgot that I exchanged all my allowance into quarters… OF VICTORY!!”

“Sorry, you were tricked,” Aster apologized, “all you got were some STUPID BUFFALO NICKLES!!”

“Well I—”

“THE TIME. IS. D. TIME.” the interrupting clock buzzed.

“WHATEVER!!” Jaden screamed! “I PLAY POLYMERIZATION TO FUSE WILDHEART AND NECROSHADE!!” The two power players appeared before Jaden and melded together. They were now a red-haired witch doctor of some sort, waving around a golden staff of mystery! “ELEMENTAL HERO NECROID SHAMAN, DO SOMETHING!” (Necroid Shaman: 1800 Attack Points) Necroid Shaman, as the new creation was called, danced around a bit. Then he stopped. A large pie tin fell onto Destiny Hero Defendguydude, catching him completely off-guard. He fell onto the General, crushing him as well under his girth.

“Next, after he kills a monster of yours, I can Special Summon one monster from your Graveyard to go with him!” Aster’s old Avian appeared and took up residence next to Clayman the Forgotten. (Avian: 1000 Attack Points)

“Now, let’s smash some suckers!” Jaden commanded! Avian and Necroid Shaman ran into their respective enemies and held them down.

“Guess what, Jaden?” Aster challenged. “When the Big Ben Revenger of Destiny has been active for four turns, I take no damage from ANY battle.”

“I don’t care!” Avian and Necroid Shaman punched the two remaining Destiny Hero enemies, exploding them beyond recognition.

“I still blame this on you,” Necroid Shaman said to the Avian.

 

“Jaden seems really mad, and he usually doesn’t get like that,” Bastion noticed, shaking. “This Duel’s taking its toll.”

“But as long as that stupid fake Big Ben duo stands, Jaden can’t win the game,” Syrus said.

“I’m sure he has a lot of Spell and Trap removal with him, right?” Mann McOldsmobile suggested.

“There’s Wild Wingman I think,” Hassleberry remembered.

“Misfortune,” Senkaiyoh said.

“Oh right,” Omega-Xis understood. “Guys, if he doesn’t get a frickin’ miracle workin’, he loses. Like, right now.”

“Don’t you think I’ve weaved ‘nuff miracles to make that look like a stupid cakewalk?” Jaden asked. “I end my turn.”

“Good, because I end my game,” Aster said, discarding two cards. Shining Flare Wingman made his return right on top of Jaden. “And just so you know, I am NOT left-handed. Which is to say that I still have my TRUE theme song to use up here.”

“Ow. Get off.” Shining Flare Wingman stood up, off of his summoner, and saw the mystery man of not long ago standing in his shadow. “I don’t care if you’re usin’ your song on MY game-endin’ turn. Now get this: I play my two face-downs.” One was De-Fusion.

“But you can’t De-Fuse without the Fusion materials in the Graveyard,” Aster chimed in.

“My second card is Burial from the Different Dimension!” Jaden added, flipping up a mysterious sarcophagus! “This adds my removed from play cards from Miracle Fusion back into my Graveyard!” The coffin opened and chucked out two mummies. Then it shot out dangerous bandages that wrapped around Shining Flare Wingman, sealing him within forever! It exploded. The two mummies then broke free, existing as Flame Wingman and Sparkman! They grabbed the Misfortuneman and kicked him in the mouth. He died. The audience clapped.

“Nice moves,” Aster complimented.

“Jaden it up, Jaden!” Syrus cheered!

“Yeeeeah no.” Jaden drew another card and signaled another turn. “I’m blowin’ this pop stand wit’ my FUSION GATE FIELD SPELL!!”

“I’m lovin’ it!” Syrus cheered!

“For once, he’s right!” Bastion complied!

“Perfect…” The current field began to crumble. The clocks exploded with fiery danger and great expectations! The Big Ben Revenger of Destiny fell.

 

And something stood within the rubble. As the field took on a technological appearance, a tremendous shadow walked forth. “Thank you so much, Jaden!” Aster thanked. “You’ve just unlocked my fourth-strongest Hero!”

“HUH?!” the others inhaled.

“Ever read about ‘The Man in the Iron Mask?’”

“No.”

“…uncultured idiots…” A heavily-scarred half-naked giant stepped onto the field. His hair hadn’t been cut for years and his face was covered in an iron muzzle. “Welcome, Destiny Hero Dreadful Master of the Dudes and the Guys!”

“RAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!” he roared! (DHDMotDatG: ? Attack Points)

“Did you even TRY when you were naming them?” Mann McOldsmobile blasted.

“I WAS FREAKING SIX AND MY FATHER HAD JUST BEEN KIDNAPPED!!” Aster shouted! His icy blue irises became identical to clocks! They spun madly and covered his body in electric azure power!

“That’s… deep. Uh. I’ll just have to SUMMON ELEMENTAL HERO THUNDER GIANT!!” Clayman and Sparkman combined together in a flash, creating our second Hero Fusion(with Fusion Gate’s help, of course)! Thunder Giant and Flame Wingman stood together and posed, because s*** just got real. (Thunder Giant: 2400 Attack Points)

“DREADFUL MASTER, STOP TIME!!” Aster shouted!

“RAAAAHHH!!” Dreadful Master of the Dudes and the Guys growled, summoning one giant clock face over the field! All of Jaden’s monsters froze in their amazing poses! Destiny Heroes Doomy Devil Dude Guy and Da Rolex Dude Guy reappeared, covered in aqua-colored time symbols!

“Your monsters can’t destroy mine the turn my monster’s summoned,” Aster revealed, “and in addition, he turns back time for two of my Heroes! He also destroys Avian because he can do that.” Avian exploded! “He gains Attack Points equal to the Attack Points of all my other Destiny Heroes as well!” Dreadful Master of the Guys and the Dudes began inhaling the clocks enveloping the two allies, gaining their strength! (DHDMotGatD: 2400 Attack Points)

“Crap! He’s STILL in a lock-down!” Syrus whined! “Do you have anything else to use?”

“… Nnh…” Jaden’s power aura began to recede.

 

“There! That’s it! I figured it out!” Aster called! “That’s the ONE thing that separates our powers! Our ambition!”

“Your what?”

“You?” Aster knew. “You Duel for play. Me? I play in order to save my father’s life and to condemn all criminals who think themselves above human law!”

“You’re Batman?”

“No, let me go into detail.

 

It all started back when I was a kid. My father, Jameybond Phoenix, was a world-renowned secret agent.

 

“Why haven’t we heard of him?” asked Omega-Xis.

“SECRET agent. Anyways.”

 

We had just been sent on a mission in Neo Soviet Russia which was actually full of evil robots, and he was apparently cooking some ideas up in the spy plane. “What’re you doing?” I asked him. It turned out he was scribbling some sketches and ideas for Duel Monsters cards!

“It’s just a hobby,” he told me. “After this mission, I’m going to give these ideas to my friend Maximillion Pegasus and make ‘em just for you, buddy.” I was overjoyed! He was going to produce a new set of Heroes, just for me! I could hardly wait.

 

And if you were wondering, of course I was trained for this kind of thing. Why else would a six-year-old be in Neo Soviet Russia fighting evil robots?

 

It only took a few hours. I had been wreaking havoc with my signature weapon, the Seventeen Machine Guns Strapped to Each Other, while my dad was making short work of thousands with his lucky Swiss Army Knife. The air was cold, crisp, and stinking of oil. We were stuck right in the middle of the main base and came upon the Mother Brain, controlling the entire country with its brainy powers! “Now! We shall stop you!” my father yelled, pulling an atomic tree out of his army knife.

“yOU CANNOT STOP THAT WHICH IS INSIDE OF YOUR HEART/” the Mother Brain told.

“I ain’t afraid of no ghost!” I screamed, running at her with my guns ablazin’!

“NO SON, DON’T!!” my father screamed, but I didn’t listen. The Mother Brain exploded, shooting blue energy around like rockets!

“sWEET DREAMS, aSTER/” she mocked. She died, and yet, her energy flew at me! My father threw his tree weapon at the burst, trying to shield me from the attack, and yet it still wasn’t enough. I was struck in the face as a result of my own stupidity.

“NOOOOO, MY FACE!!” I screamed! It hurt like the devil!

“ASTER!!” my dad cried! He teleported in front of me and took a few dozen high-powered blows in order to save my life. At this point I couldn’t stand to be awake any longer; the energy was entering my frail body and giving me more power than I ever could have conceived of. The last thing I saw was the secret base falling down around me and my dad picking me up as a blazing white fire began behind us.

 

Not five minutes later, I came to and was being carried outside by my dear father, covered in huge, frightful burns. He was talking into his bowtie phone, calling the agency to come get us. The mission was a success, but it hadn’t yet finished changing my life. I was thrown to the ground with a start, and my dad had been grabbed by the mouth and the arms by some figure with crazy yellow hair. They disappeared, like a brownie in front of a hungry spoiled kid. I was all alone, but they’d dropped something: the plans for the Duel Monsters cards. They were all labeled ‘Destiny Hero’, left unfinished by my father. I sat up and howled in despair.

 

Two weeks later, I got the completed cards from Pegasus as a gift, thanks to the agency. After that I quit.

 

“You quit being a secret agent to find the man who kidnapped your dad?” Bastion understood.

“And then I joined the most powerful man in the world, who manipulates time as I can,” Aster hinted. He stomped the ground in frustration. “It was all my fault! I was too much of a greenhorn and didn’t listen! I charged in like some sort of Jaden, and then my father gave up his own energy to shield me and was taken by some mysterious freak I’ve devoted myself to finding and exacting my revenge on! YOU have NO reason to be as celebrated as you are!” Aster froze. He took in a deep breath. “But that’s another story. Now I’m going to finish this game and show you the light!” He threw down a new monster! “I tribute Doomy Devil to summon Destiny Hero Dashing Guy Dude!” The pale Hero was suddenly altered into a man in thin black armor, with two large wheels on his feet, surrounded in time symbols. (DHDGD: 2100 Attack Points, DHDMotGatD: 2900 Attack Points) “General, I tribute you to power him up!” The General complied, popped into tiny clocks, and surrounded Dashing Guy Dude’s feet. The wheels began to rev up like crazy! (DHDGD: 2100 -> 3100 Attack Points)

“What?! NO!” Jaden cried!

“THIS IS TRUE POWER!!” Aster boomed! “HEROES! CRUSH OUR ENEMIES! TRANSCEND TIME!!” The small one disappeared and the large one began to expand his arms. Clocks appeared all over Jaden’s field. His two monsters suddenly exploded as Dashing Guy Dude flew past.

“AAAAAHHH!!” the Master roared, throwing his fists down at Jaden!

“STOP IT!!” Jaden cried! The fists crashed into the ground right ahead of Jaden. The hologram exploded thanks to a couple of stray bullets. And through the wreckage and the smoke rose Aster Phoenix flying toward Jaden upon gilded royal wings, and he gave Jaden one straight punch in the face. He exploded. (Jaden: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

 

“That was for the ‘Action Aster’ comments, you bastard.”

 

“JADEN!!” screamed Syrus, Bastion, Omega-Xis, Hassleberry and Mann McOldsmobile.

“Crap, I shot the wrong one,” Senkaiyoh lamented. “Is he okay?”

“Unn… uuuugh…” Jaden still stood after his final blow. And yet he was wobbling furiously. His eyes began to dilate and his check began to swell from the pain. His Duel Disk exploded, as it couldn’t compute Jaden LOSING. His cards flew all over the floor and he finally fell on his chest. “I… can’t believe…”

“So long, bro,” Aster announced. All of his special effects faded away. “I won’t be seein’ you.” He took his leave, putting on his jetpackbackpack and then breaking through the ceiling.

“Jaden, you have to stand up! Are you alright?” Bastion called.

“I… I…” Jaden picked up one random card. He couldn’t see anything on it. “I… can’t see my cards anymore…”

Syrus took a deep gulp of oxygen. “YOU MEAN THAT THE SHOCK OF LOSING LITERALLY MADE YOU TURN BLIND WHENEVER YOU LOOK AT A DUEL MONSTERS CAAAAAARD?!?!?!”

“Yeah… that is actually… pretty… stup—id.” Jaden fainted.

 

[spoiler=NEXT TIME:]Well, the time has come. Jaden has become completely useless! His time as main character comes to a screeching halt as Syrus brutally assassinates him! But now with blood on his hands, the stage turns to the American desert as he eludes the law all on his lonesome! But how can he escape with Cocoa Titan on is tail?! Next time: Syrus on the Lam! What the Eff is Happening?! I don’t know either!

 

 

 

[Weather Report - Stand]

Ah, I grow ever-more distrustful of my YGOCM fanbase of about 100 people or so (I checked), as I just found several url mistakes everybody neglected to mention. It's bad if Fanfiction.net is more helpful than you guys, and yet they only send a message about once a month! Yet I digress, I'm calling my own fanbase stupid. If you have something to say about this, then please do. Bad critiscism is still criticism! I haven't had a comment in like a year.

 

[spoiler=Episode 66: Pop Goes the Duel]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. The Fan Fic

Episode 66: Not a Real Jaden Episode

 

A large mob of Yellow students was gathered outside of the school Nurse’s office. “Oh man, didja hear Jaden lost the power to Duel?” one guy remembered.

“Yeah, he like, lost, and then he couldn’t play anymore.”

“That’s dumb.”

“What an excuse plot!”

“Also Aster Phoenix revealed his backstory! It was gripping!” some guy claimed.

“Actually it was just another excuse plot,” another one supposed.

“But it was GRIPPING!!”

Chazz kicked the door down, sending several kids flying. His entourage stepped alongside him and aimed their pointer fingers. “SHAAAAAADAAAAAP!! YOUR YAMMERING IS INFYU-UU-UUIATING MEEEE!!”

“But—”

“NO EXCUSES HUH KIDS HUH!!” They all three began firing energy blasts throughout the hallway.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!”

“Let me try,” Senkaiyoh suggested, tapping the trio.

“Well, it’s your job,” Chazz sneered. The Billy Hills, the Deep-Voice Dobbson, and the Chazz all retreated back into the room.

Apparently the group remembered her. “Oh hey it’s that girl AUUUUGH!!”

BOOM!!

 

Senkaiyoh walked back into the office, where Fonda Fontaine had just taken out a leek and Jaden had retreated into a corner with fear. “Did it help?” Senkaiyoh asked.

“We DID ask for you to cut down on the noise,” Alexis sighed. “It kinda worked, I suppose.”

“Jaden, I can’t fix your eyes if you don’t allow me to stick this onion into you,” Fonda told.

“But that NEVER works!” Jaden whimpered.

“WHAT IF YOU GO TOO FAR?!” Syrus screamed! Everybody groaned in imaginary pain.

“Maybe you should give it some time,” Bastion suggested. “If he got traumatized by losing, he should just win a game.”

“Duel me, Jay!” Mann McOldsmobile demanded.

“Uh, okay,” Jaden complied sheepishly. The two pulled out a couple of Duel Disks and equipped them! “DUEL.” (Jaden: 4000 Life Points, Mann McOldsmobile: 4000 Life Points) Jaden stared at his five cards in his hands. They were completely blank to his eyes. “Uh, I play this card.” Avian appeared. (Avian: 1000 Attack Points)

“Uh, hey, that was a good move!” Omega-Xis lied. “You said you can’t see the cards? Well that was one lucky move, bucko!”

“You should bill yourself as the ‘Good-Luck Duelist’ and re-invent yourself!” Hassleberry added.

“Uh, I wouldn’t say that,” Avian groaned, waving the idea away with his excuse hand.

 

“It’s NOT the SAME!” Jaden sobbed, kicking his Duel Disk to the curb. He ran away in sadness.

“Poor kid,” Senkaiyoh muttered.

“Should we go after ‘m?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“Nah, he needs some time to himself,” Chazz allowed.

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!” Jaden wailed, dashing down the halls without caution! He ran right past Crowler, who nearly toppled over in surprise! “SORRY MS. C!!”

“Was that YUCKY-Boy?” Crowler wondered. “It seems like he’s torn up about something. I’d HEARD that he can’t Duel anymore, but I didn’t believe something so stupid could actually happen! Maybe I should…”

“Do something for the boy?” suggested Bonaparte, who was wriggling up Crowler’s leg.

“Good idea,” Crowler accepted.

 

Crowler headed out to the Slifer Toolshed and threw a basket of collectible soaps at it. “GET WELL SOON, YUCKY-BOY!! Ha ha ha ha…” Crowler strutted off with a satisfied whistle.

MEANWHILE, INSIDE OF THE ALEXISHOUSE…

“Alright, now that we’ve all assembled,” Bunnyear began.

“And that we’ve decided on a name for huh, Alexishouse, huh,” Deep-Voice Dobbson continued.

“We can focus on bigger problems, then!” Bastion stated. “Without Jaden, this dorm has a MUCH lower chance of surviving. I mean, wasn’t he the ONLY thing stopping Crowler from destroying it?”

“I know, right?” Ojama Yellow agreed, appearing.

“Die,” Chazz growled.

“Alright,” Ojama Yellow agreed, disappearing.

“I helped too,” Senkaiyoh recalled, staring blindly with a bright expression.

 

“Can’t everybody live in the Ra Mansion?” Baseball Bob remound. “It’s a lot nicer, and they have food.”

“But where’s the ambiance of a low standard o’ livin’, I reckon?” Billy Hills suggested.

“You’re all stupid,” Piggybank decided. “So can we just ignore it and hope the predictable thing happens?”

“NOTHING predictable happens HERE,” Mann McOldsmobile said, wearing the mask of a Majora.

“Oh!” Fluffy Fred said, relieved.

Suddenly, everybody could hear somebody singing to the tune of a ukulele. “Singin’ on a boat…

Don’t know why I’m just standin’ and singin’ on a boat,

Can’t do anything else because I can’t swim,

I’d rather be hangin’ wit’ my homies on a whim,

And I’m pretty thirsty too.

I want something to eat, because I feel hungry,

But that’s too bad since I’m on a stupid boat.

Why am I here again?

I forgot,

So Nancy says a thing.”

“Chicken nuggetastic,” Nancy Wut said.

 

Everybody was somehow aesthetically pleased by the crooning. Alexis quickly understood the meaning of the warbling. “Come on, guys,” she groaned, leading the commotion outside. There they saw Atticus and Nancy Wut floating around in a wooden raft.

“HEY SISSY!!” Atticus shouted, waving gleefully as he wore a Hawaiian shirt, a ukulele and an adorable speaker system on his head. “HOW YA DOING?”

“DIE!!” Alexis shouted.

“No but really could you help us because we’re kinda trapped.”

“Yeah boobie-lady, what’s the scoop?” Nancy demanded. Alexis threw Fluffy Fred at them.

 

THREE! SECONDS!! LATER!!!

“Many thanks,” Atticus thanked, sitting with Nancy Wut as they tried and failed to dry off. “We came over to try and ask if you were still against that cool pop idol plan Crowler suggested.”

“I’d rather go out with Fluffy Fred for a year,” Alexis growled.

“HEEEEY!!” Fluffy Fred cried, sitting in a wet pile next to her.

“But it’s really nice and really cool!” Nancy Wut pursued. “We can totally kick it ‘n junk!”

“Exactly~” Crowler chimed in, wearing a wetsuit and tied to the bottom of the boat.

“AAAAAHH!!” screamed everyone.

“THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?!?!” Jaden gasped, despite being absent.

“Oh, I was just taking these two around the dorms, nothing more nothing less,” Crowler explicated.

“That’s even freakier than Fluffy Fred’s hair!” Alexis shouted. “Stop following me!”

“Two digs in twenty seconds…” Fluffy Fred mumbled.

 

“Well why DON’T you give it a try, kiddo?” Crowler asked, falling over backward onto the boatcraft.

“BECAUSE YOU KEEP COMING UP WITH THOSE STUPID IDEAS!!”

“Sounds like it makes sense,” Bunnyear decided.

“But just listen!” Nancy Wut begged. “We get some cool poofy dresses, we sing while we play card games, we dance around, we get free men, we get into drugs, we get real unpopular, we run over and kill a small kid, we go to prison, get sexually harassed, we get out, we go to rehab, we get out, all the comedians make fun of us, we have kids, they ride on our success and money in order to get popular with the TV execs, they treat us like crap, we do nothing to stop them, we watch them get into drugs too, we get into fights with them, they start whoring themselves out at clubs, we try to ignore it, we do drugs again, we overdose and we die while trying to decide who to entitle our savings to!”

“That was disturbing,” said Hassleberry.

“Hee hee ha ha!” Nancy Wut giggled.

“Help sway them to my cause,” Alexis asked. “They won’t listen to me.”

“But I want to see you humiliated in a poofy dress, I get off on that stuff,” Chazz said.

“You should really think against such an idea, guys,” Bastion explained, “because Alexis’ singing makes me feel like dying.”

“THEN DIE ALREADY.” Alexis killed them.

“CHAZZ!! BASTION!!” everybody cried. (Death Count Season Two: 2498)

“NOOO!!” Jaden cried, even though he was absent.

“Ow,” Chazz said.

“Why am I always last?” Bastion asked.

“I dunno,” Omega-Xis said.

 

Atticus decided on a different approach. “Well, let’s talk about your image, then. That may sway you to our cause.” He pointed to a cardboard cut-out of Alexis wearing trashy makeup, knee-high boots, a black dress that stretched down to her waist, and her hair done up with a blue scrunchie. “Say hello to Lexanne!”

“AM I SUPPOSED TO BE SOME SORT OF WHORE?!”

“How about something more casual, like Lexxylove?” Nancy Wut tried, holding a cut-out of Alexis wearing naught but an apron.

“Can I have it?” Chazz asked. Alexis blew it up with her eyes.

“Cool!” Senkaiyoh cried.

“Aw. With the apron thing, we could’ve been selling out arenas all around the world!” Atticus lamented.

“Why are you a brother again?”

“I think that’s called sexual harassment, Atticus,” Piggybank said.

“Who’s he?” Bunnyear asked.

 

“In any case, I reckon, shouldn’t you all finish this with a Duel?” Billy Hills suggested.

“Oh, and why don’t we just call ourselves the ‘Fluffy Freds’ already?” Alexis yelled.

“WHY DO YOU HATE MEEEE?!?!” Fluffy Fred despaired!

“Because shut your face. Now we have a sudden cut to make,” Alexis said, tapping her watch. “So I’ll give, and I’ll Duel you. If you win, we can join and be ‘Momusu’. If I win, then you shut up about it forever. Fine?”

“Well, we were banking on the name ‘Bro-Bro, Sissy and the Nan’,” Atticus said, holding up some ‘Bro-Bro, Sissy and the Nan’ merchandise, showcasing the trio nakedly in aprons.

“So you’re going to be a porn group?” Syrus inspected. “Count me in.”

“You sicken me!” Senkaiyoh cried, taking a ‘BBSN’ t-shirt for herself. “Okay, let’s cut.”

 

ONE! CUT!! LATER!!!

We cut to the Duel Dome, where Alexis and Atticus were ALREADY beginning to Duel. The stage was empty for now, but the stands were full to the brim of mostly random students. Crowler and Bonaparte were seated with the Baseball Wreckers, calmly waiting for the lights to dim themselves. “Honestly Crowluh, this is a really stoopid plan,” Bonaparte said. “I mean, whoiy do we have to sit behind Atticus?”

“We always sit on this side,” Crowler said.

“Oh, the lights!” Bastion said, as they had been completely cut off.

“Fluffy Fred! That’s my cue,” Crowler cursed.

“I’M A CUSS WORD NOW?!” Fluffy Fred sobbed, biting on a handkerchief.

“Being a cuss word is actually kinda cool,” Baseball Bob said.

“It’s okay, it’ll all be fine,” Bunnyear soothed, wiping his tears with her opposable ears.

 

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,” Crowler announced, basically screaming into its microphone, “I NOW PRESENT TO YOU SIDE A FOR THIS WONDROUS DUEL, ATTICUS RHODES!!” Atticus appeared in the spotlight, hanging from the ceiling by some wires. He was wearing his apron, though it was a tad drafty. All the women nose-bled. All the men vomited and began to cry.

“WAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Atticus laughed! “HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS!” He began to be thrown around wildly by the wires as he descended to the ground, flying around in everybody’s faces. Four people died from the agony or bodily stress. (Death Count Season Two: 2502)

 

He smashed into a wallpillar, was dropped to the ground, and leaped onto his feet. “SACRE BLEU!! ISN’T THIS PORN?!” Bonaparte screamed, vomiting all over Crowler’s lap.

“Ewww.”

“LOOKING GOOD!!” Nancy Wut called.

“Come on sis, I’m ready to DUEL this!” Aster challenged.

“BOO,” someone said.

 

“I’m so excited,” Chazz said, sitting behind the usual Jaden suspects with a nice banner. It read ‘bro-bro & SISSY’ in horrific handwriting. There was a rainbow and two hearts on it.

“I admire you huh Chazz huh for being so open with your dirty feelings,” Deep-Voice Dobbson complimented.

“That IS pretty terrible!” Senkaiyoh said.

“Well hey, Jaden’s not perfect either!” Chazz stated, pulling out the world-famous Cyber Bladder card.

“Cyber Blader? Why?” Hassleberry asked. “Wait, what? Bladder? Seriously!?”

“Because she’s got blue hair!” Chazz said. Syrus, Billy Hills and Senkaiyoh suddenly felt very used.

 

“Alexis,” Atticus told, “by the end of the year if we play our CARDS right, we’ll have a record deal, a movie trilogy, a reality TV show, a gravure CD series, and a fanbase built up of the world’s impurities!”

“BOO,” someone said.

“I’M NOT STARRING IN ANY OF YOUR PERVERTED MOVIES!!” Alexis roared! “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, EXHIBITIONIST!!” They both drew their cards and prepared themselves.

“Temper temper!” Atticus joked. “Anyways, I’ll be summoning the Panther Warrior to the field in Attack Mode!” A purple panther in a warrior mode appeared, holding a saber of heftiness.

“UUUUNGH,” Panther Warrior grunted, pushed almost to the point of tears. (Panther Warrior: 2000 Attack Points)

“Next up, I play the Spell card Spotlight!” Dozens of small lights flew around the arena, ending up over Panther Warrior. He gave us a bashful smile, dropped his sword and began to pose. “Once he gets his Star Power going, he gains three-hundred Attack Points!” Atticus claimed. (Panther Warrior: 2000 -> 2300 Attack Points) “Now I’ll hand the mic off to you.” He threw a microphone at Alexis. She smashed it within her grip.

 

“I’m through with this already,” Alexis groaned, playing herself a Field Spell card. “I activate Ritual Sanctuary.” The field became a very simple church with some lost menorahs standing on some tables for whatever reason. “No, the church isn’t Jewish, but that won’t stop me from using its effect! I discard one Spell card to add a Ritual Spell from my deck or Graveyard to my hand,” she exposited, discarding her Spell card, “and then I’m playing Cyber Angel Ritual, allowing me to discard Cyber Prima to Ritual Summon Cyber Angel Idaten!” The church suddenly became steel-coated, allowing a mysterious flaming altar to rise up! The traditional Cyber Prima we all know and love appeared and was promptly chucked into the flames. Her screams didn’t matter, for they didn’t cause the product to come out any weaker. Said product? She leaped out of the flames, now wearing a pink-black suit combo, with a deep-rose-colored headdress covering what looked like two rocket thrusters on the back of her head. (Cyber Angel Idaten: 1600 Attack Points)

 

“What’s up with doing all that just to summon her?” Atticus asked, nonplussed. “Psssh, don’t tell me she has a special ability?”

“EFF YOU, ATTICUS!” Chazz called.

“I don’t NEED you for that!” Alexis answered.

“Sorry.”

“As I was saying… eff you Atticus, she’s got an ability!” Alexis stole her discarded FUSION WEAPON card from the Graveyard, featuring a white knight with a golden laser archery bow grafter onto his arm. IT LOOKED SO USELESS. “Idaten allows me to add a Spell from my Graveyard to my hand, which in this case is what I discarded for Ritual Sanctuary, which in this case was Ritual Weapon, which means in this case, I equip it and you’re screwed.” Idaten’s arm atrociously turned into the featured golden weapon. It looked atrocious, but it all worked out in the end. (Cyber Angel Idaten: 1600 -> 3100 Attack Points)

“You’re kidding me, right?” Atticus gasped. “She’s so much more powerful now!”

“I don’t care what your response is!” Alexis disregarded. “You don’t count as a ‘people’ anymore! Attack Panther Warrior with Hair Buster!” Idaten took one leap and turned her rocket thrusters on. As they began to spew flames, Atticus flipped up his face-down card.

“I play Cursed Ring!” he said. A skull ring appeared on Panther Warrior’s panther finger. Idaten’s hair thrusted her into the floor, painfully enough to send out a massive shockwave! The shockwave hit Panther Warrior for massive damage, but it wasn’t massive enough. He merely exploded. A little bit. The blast whipped up Atticus’ apron with disastrous results. A combination of vomit and blood was spewed into the sky, painting the ceiling drably. Atticus glanced up at it and felt symptoms of heartburn. (Atticus: 3200 Life Points)

 

“What’s the deal with this card?” Alexis asked, shielding her eyes from the pain.

Atticus swallowed hard and got over his burning heart. “Cursed Ring curses the owner… WITH IMMORTALITY! To your monster’s attack.”

“Rip-off,” Idaten muttered, scuttling back into place.

“So what kind of advantage can that get you?” Alexis inspected. “I mean, it’s not that big an effect, I can just summon another monster to kill him instead. Plus there’s a whole host of cards you could have used to protect him. How dense ARE you, really?” Atticus winked. What’s he doing? Atticus winked repeatedly. Is he really winking suspiciously like that? Or is he spazzing out again? Atticus winked so hard his eye bled. OOOOH, he’s trying to take a fall to get Crowler to shut up! Nice.

 

“So, my turn begins!” Atticus exclaimed! He drew a card and promptly played it. “I activate Stray Lambs!” Two adorable puffy goats fell from above and bounced briefly. (Lamb Tokens: 0 Defense Points) “Now I’ve summoned two Lamb Tokens to the field, and they’re almost as cute as my lil’ sis!”

“DAMN STRAIGHT!”

“Dammit Chazz, I don’t like to repeat myself!” Alexis told.

“I’ll be good.”

 

“But why’d he summon those?” asked Syrus as Chazz began to sob behind him.

“Atticus is planning to sacrifice them,” Hassleberry said. “When Panther Warrior attacks, you have to Tribute one monster. He’s stupid like that.”

“He’s exactly right!” Atticus verified, pointing into the audience!

“Who?”

“I can’t hear from that far!”

“YOU’RE TOO SEXY.”

“Now now.” The lights dimmed everywhere except for above the Panther Warrior. “In order to achieve stardom, you gotta step on a few friends first. And in this case, I mean eat.”

“GOBGOBGOBNOMNOMBLUH” Panther Warrior snacked, chewing up one Lamb Token like cotton candy. Spurred on by the spotlight and his newfound protein, HE PICKED UP HIS SWORD AND HELD IT UP. He was shaking from the bodily stress, though.

“Next up! I Equip him with Path to Destiny, allowing an Equipped Beast-Warrior type monster attack you directly!” Atticus’ field now held an image of two samurai, preparing to slice each other down. Luckily, they were both able to hide behind the corner of a building.

“AAAAAAUGH!!” Panther Warrior yelled, running toward Idaten!

“AAAAARRRG!!” Idaten shouted, running toward Panther Warrior with ROCKET POWER!! She tripped. Panther Warrior skipped past her and carved Alexis’ shoulder! Luckily, he was a holographic representation of a monster. (Alexis: 1700 Life Points)

“NO!!” Chazz wailed, contorting his face with deep sorrow and apprehension! “LEAVE SISSY ALONE!!” Somehow, this garnered everybody’s attention. He gathered his courage together and screamed to the school: “ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS HUMILIATING HER AND MAKING MONEY OFF OF HER BODY!! SHE’S A HUMAN!! LEAVE HER THE FLUFFY FRED ALONE!!” He shot a heartful pink CHAZZISAWESOMEENERGYBLAST at the Panther Warrior. He exploded… BUT THE RING REMAINED. (Atticus: 3200 Life Points)

Alexis opened her mouth. “CHAZZ, SHUT YOUR FLUFFY FRED MOUTH AND…” Alexis closed her mouth. Um… well, she thought, he IS trying to help me. I’ll give him a break today. “And… sorry, just enjoy my victory.”

“EEE…” Chazz took a deep breath and quickly composed himself. “Hrmph.” He held his fist aloft and sat back down.

“You were awesome, I reckon!” Billy Hills supported.

“The fist thing at the end was breathtaking!” Deep-Voice Dobbson believed.

“The fist thing wasn’t all that cool,” Mann McOldsmobile said.

“I got it covered with something better,” Chazz decided, holding up another sign. Written in crude sharpie ink, it read ‘BRO-BRO is a NO-NO!!’ Special thanks to 4Kids on the signs, but that’s all the props it’s getting from me tonight.

“You do know that since Zane left us, Atticus has become our most powerful upperclassman,” Syrus Sy-ed, rubbing his eyes furiously.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Senkaiyoh disagreed. “What about… wait, who else is at this school?”

“Nope, we just have the naked man,” Mann McOldsmobile complained.

“My eyes still sting,” Syrus groaned.

 

“Now I’ll just set one card face-down and call it a turn, sis,” Atticus decided. He set one card.

“Good!” Alexis said. “Then I’ll play Pot of Greed and summon Cyber Petit Angel!” A small pink robotic winged circle appeared. A symbolically ugly green pot fell on it. They both died. (Cyber Petit Angel: 300 Attack Points) She drew three cards. “Cyber Petit Angel’s ability activates when summoned in Attack Mode and gives me one Cyber Angel Ritual card!” Alexis threw down her Ritual, then tossed her two monsters into the flaming altar. They didn’t sound too happy. “SAY HELLO TO CYBER ANGEL DAKINI!!” From the flames arose a blue-skinned woman in semi-hefty armor, wielding a katana, a saber, a staff and a fist because she had four arms. (Cyber Angel Dakini: 2700 Attack Points) “Now her ability activates: when she’s summoned, I can destroy one of your monsters of your choice. Now choose!”

Atticus shrugged and sighed. “Well, she inflicts damage against Defense-Position monsters, so I have to choose my zero-Defense Point Sheep Token!” REFERENCE. Dakini the Blue walked up to the token. She lifted it up, began pulling it apart, and ripped it into two gooey halves. Blood poured forth, much unlike the last one. While she was at it, she pointed to Panther Warrior, who was speared at all angles by spinning wind. (Atticus: 2800 Life Points)

 

Come on, bro, you don’t have to cut this so close, Alexis mentally complained.

“Yes I do!” Atticus replied.

“Don’t do that.”

“Sorry for the privacy invasion, but I play Panther Warrior is DEAD!!” A Trap card flipped up, showing Panther Warrior being dead. “Now that my Panther Warrior is dead, I can summon a new Beast-Warrior monster from my deck to the field! I call Bronze Warrior!” Atticus’ purple panther popped, producing a strong, bronze-skinned man with twin dual-bladed knives in an apron. (Bronze Warrior: 500 Attack Points)

“What is up with you and those things?” Alexis asked, thoroughly disgusted.

“They’re comfy and easy to wear!”

 

“That’s strange,” Syrus said, holding his eyes shut, “why would he summon such a weak monster?”

“Well,” Hassleberry answered, hiding his eyes on Senkaiyoh’s shoulders, “he has an effect to get some Beast-Warrior monsters from his deck, so that’s my reasoning.”

“Why can’t I ever know anything like that?” Mann McOldsmobile wondered, washing his eyes with antibacterial soap.

“Heh, he’s just as pathetic as Fluffy Fred if he thinks that’s gonna create some sort of game-breaker at this point,” Chazz remarked.

“HEEEY!!”

“Look out, he’s about to explain the card!” Senkaiyoh cried, watching carefully through a pair of binoculars.

 

“My Bronze Warrior and his acute fashion sense have a special effect up their sleeves,” Atticus began, “but first I’m givin’ him the Spotlight!” A green spotlight appeared over the Bronze Pervert. He felt the adulation of the women and smiled. (Bronze Warrior: 500 -> 800 Attack Points) “Next I…” Atticus drew just the card he was waiting for. “… I play Bronze Warrior’s special ability to add one Beast-Warrior from my deck to my hand!” Bronze Warrior pulled a bone out of his apron pocket and threw it onto the ground. A muscular behemoth of a man with a monkey tail jumped out and ate it. He was only wearing an apron, predictably. (Indomitable Fighter Lei Lei: 2300 Attack Points)

“Damn it, Atticus!!”

“That’s my theme! Just look at the other women! They’re eating it up!” Atticus reasoned.

“I LOVE MY SEAT!!”

“See! SHE sure likes the view.”

“Ugh, you’re so embarrassing,” Alexis groaned. “Go on.”

“Okay, then this is a good time to tell you that Bronze Warrior gives all of my Beast-Warrior monsters four-hundred extra Attack Points!” Bronze Warrior did a service pose. Indomitable Fighter Lei Lei’s eyes lit up. (Indomitable Fighter Lei Lei: 2300 -> 2700 Attack Points)

“Oh crap!” Don’t cut it so close! Come on, give me room to breathe! Alexis worried.

“KICK HER ASS, SEXY CARDS!!” Nancy Wut ordered.

“YOU GOT IT!!” Atticus shouted! “I PLAY ULTIMATE STAGE COSTUME!!” The church field exploded, for there was an even higher power present: the power of gaudy clothing. The Bronze Warrior was in an absolutely massive black cloak, obviously built for somebody four times his size, which covered the entire stage in its silkenness. Incredibly wide shoulders covered in salmon-colored plates sat upon him as well as a tall hat. Bronze Warrior looked hilarious.

 

“What a waste of a religious center,” Alexis lamented. “What’s the scoop on this one?”

“It boosts my monster’s power by three-thousand.”

“WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!”

“But Lei Lei still kills your Cyber Angel first.” The mystic magic monkey man made his presence known as he leaped above Cyber Angel Dakini.

“LEI LEI SMASH!!” he grunted, throwing his arms upward! Dakini looked up at the oncoming threat. She blushed and gasped loudly. Lei Lei fell on her, crushing her to death with his girth, but sadly he landed on her staff. “UUUUH…uuuuuuhhhg…” Lei Lei let loose a stream of pained tears as the pole squeezed up through his mouth, finding solace only as he exploded. OW.

“And Bronze Warrior, attack her as well! Apron Panic!” The bronzed soldierguy slipped out of his costume and flew into Alexis, feet first.

“EEEEEEWWW!!” Alexis shrieked! (Alexis: 900 Life Points) She immediately threw the man away and started shivering with disgust. “ATTICUS, YOU’RE TAKINGTHE APRON THING TOO FAR!!”

“There you go,” Atticus said, helping the Bronze Warrior back into his costume. “Whoops! I forgot that Ultimate Stage Costume can’t be used for a DIRECT attack! Aha ha ha ha ha! But you can never have too much of a good thing, Alexis! Our game doesn’t have to end so soon!”

“IN THE NAME OF FLUFFY FRED, DON’T DO IT! END THE NIGHTMARE!!”

“Or, y’know, don’t.”

“That first audience member is right!” Alexis decided! “In the name of the moon, you shall not have your way with me!” Nice crappily-done save, bro! Alexis mind-thanked.

“You go girlfriend,” said Cyber Angel Idaten, being alive again, though covered in deathly burns.

“Huh?” Bronze Warrior wondered aloud.

“I just played Fulfillment of the Contract!” Alexis’ latest card had a bunch of people discussing business matters in an office with a demonic blue one-eyed horror. “I pay eight-hundred Life Points to summon a Ritual monster back from the Grave, and then when Idaten is summoned, I get a Spell card back from the Graveyard, meaning I get my Ritual Hall, meaning—”

“GET ON WITH IT!!”

“I discard a Spell, get my Ritual and summon another Cyber Angel.” The tremendously useless stage costume exploded, and the church reigned supreme once again!

“I feel ugly again,” sniffed Bronze Warrior. He cried three tears.

 

“AAAAYAH!!” shouted Idaten as she burned away into a more normal-looking woman, wielding a metal nunchuck fan, long black hair, sported a golden deadly spike headpiece, and looked around with her deadly soulless eyes! (Cyber Angel Benten: 1800 Attack Points)

“WIN.” Benten threw her fan at Bronze Warrior. He exploded. (Atticus: 1800 Life Points)

“But you didn’t win,” Atticus pointed out.

“She deals damage to your Life Points equal to the Defense Points of a monster she destroys,” Alexis said. Her nunchuck hit Atticus in the forehead.

“Ow I lose,” he said. (Atticus: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” The female audience overloaded and exploded.

“Yay, now we don’t have to look at him in an apron anymore and won’t have to see Alexis or Nancy in a… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” The male audience overloaded and exploded.

“But what about the hundreds of cut-outs I had made?” Crowler wondered, sniffing over its monetary losses.

“Heck, I’m torn,” Chazz said. He exploded.

“Huh?” Deep-Voice Dobbson wondered.

 

MANY! SECONDS!! LATER!!!

Janitorboy Ikkaku was seated upon some scaffolding and washing the ceiling, and our main characters were standing around in the center of the arena with Atticus in a towel. “Please tell me the aprons are going away for good,” Alexis hoped.

“Sure,” Atticus allowed, giving his to Senkaiyoh.

“Yum!” she snacked.

“What the hell kind of plan WAS all that?” Mann McOldsmobile ordered. “I mean, you were going to whore yourself and your sisters out to the public?!”

“It was Crowler’s fault,” he blamed. “She’s been following me around for… since the beginning of the year, bugging me about all this.”

 

One day, Atticus walked into his room. Crowler was sitting on his bed. “Oh hello Atticus! Didn’t expect to see you here.”

“WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?!?!”

“I just wanted to ask you a favor.”

 

One day, Atticus woke up. Crowler was staring down at him, hanging from the ceiling. “WAAAAUGH!!” he screamed.

 

One day, Atticus was taking a bath. “Want me to scrub your back?” Crowler offered, sitting behind him in the water, fully clothed.

“WAAAAAAUUUGH!!”

 

One day, Crowler punched Atticus in the mouth. “HURRY UP AND MAKE A POP GROUP!!”

“AAAAARRRRRRGGH!!”

 

“Oh, okay.”

“What was the point?” Nancy Wut grumbled, sitting around by herself. “I was looking forward to the money…”

“Hey, where’s Jaden?” asked Syrus suddenly.

“Let’s do a quick cut!” Chazz decided, holding onto his new Apron Alexis cutout.

“YEAH!!”

 

Jaden, meanwhile, was by the beach, dragging a wooden boat toward the coast. “I sure am glad I took that rowing class. I bet Sy’d have liked it.”

 

[spoiler=NEXT TIME:]Stephen Boyd and Sartorius finally enter the school! But they infiltrate… AS NINJAS! Together they enter the lab where Wheeler the Velociraptor was born long, long ago. When they get into the facility, they learn a startling secret: Wheeler has become a chimpanzee! What are his demands? He’ll tell us next week, in Breakin’ the Law! Predict THIS, b****! What card will Sartorius flip next?

 

 

[Weather Report - Stand]

Okay, it's a bump.

[~Nightshade~]

Response because I love this story.

 

happy?

[Weather Report - Stand]

THERE you go! THAT'S what dedicated readers do! They say a thing! Thank you so much, I'm so happy I think I believe in Nexus now. I guess I'll be satisfied for about a month. It just gets so fricking annoying when NOBODY, not even the random-but-incredibly-decent-people-who-are-great guys post for TWO MONTHS. Damn. I rant too much. Maybe that's why nobody posts. New episode on Friday!

[Weather Report - Stand]

Holy stuff, Sartorius is getting characterization in here! Watch out!!

 

[spoiler=Episode 67: I've Seen the Light]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. The Fan Fic

Episode 67: We’ve Seen the Light

 

One fine guitar strummin’ day on Duel Academy Island…

“Syrus?” a teacher called.

“Here,” Syrus answered.

“Senkaiyoh?” a teacher called.

“SENNN-KAAAII-YOOOOH!!!” Senkaiyoh answered.

“Weird robot-loving kid?” a teacher called.

“DARN IT I’M MANN!!” Mann McOldsmobile answered. “I HAVE OTHER TRAITS!!”

“Jaden?” a teacher called.

“He ran away because he lost one game and turned kinda blind,” some student claimed.

“Oh, okay. Uh… where’s the punchline?”

 

Syrus took in a deep breath and Sy-ed deeply. “I miss Jay,” he said sadly.

“He SURE was a wild card, I tell you,” Hassleberry reminisced.

“WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!” Syrus burst, jumping out of his seat. “HE WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT THE ACADEMY! MY BEST FRIEND! THE FRESH RAY OF SUNSHINE THAT ILLUMINATED THIS DEADLY HELLHOLE! THE BLOOD THAT COMES GUSHING OUT OF MY GAPING WOUNDS! THE ‘E’ TO MY ‘MOE’!”

“Moe? No, man, you aren’t moe!” Hassleberry denied. “Nor are you named Moe!”

“Teacher, Syrus is practicing boy’s love in his head!” Senkaiyoh called.

Syrus gulped! “NOOO, NOW EVERYBODY THINKS I’M GAY FROM MY FREAKISH APPROXIMATIONS OF FRIENDSHIP!! I need to get out more.”

 

For whatever reason, Chazz was standing in the doorway to the class with Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson and listened in on the humiliation. “Boys, bring me my motorboat.”

“Aye aye ‘aye’ reckon!” Billy Hills chuckled. I reckon I’m so clever! Deep-Voice Dobbson glared at him.

 

SEVEN! MINUTES!! LATER!!!

Jaden was sitting in his wooden rowboat, rocking with the foamy ocean waves. He had given up on rowing for the moment. Instead, he had resorted to biting his arm in hunger. “Mmph mmm,” he chewed, “three whole days since the big Duel and I still haven’t gotten mah game back on. Plus I haven’t even had anything to eat since I left to do my soul-searching, and I’m so stupid-feeling. What am I doing wrong?”

“YOU’RE INFYUURIATING ME WITH YOUR INCOMPETENCE, THAT’S WHAT!!” Chazz roared! He and his two vocal buddies stood next to him, holding a white banner as they rolled up next to Jaden on Bastion’s back.

“Hello Jaden, in a spot of trouble?” Bastion asked.

“What’s up? How’d you all get out here?” Jaden asked.

“You have been sitting this close to the school for SEVENTY-TWO HOURS,” Chazz raged, pointing to the nearby beach. “I can still touch the sand in the water if I use my tippy-toes! You aren’t giving this your all! Do your thing; say ‘throw down face down’ or whatever and get happy again!”

“But I’m in my early-life crisis,” Jaden mumbled. “I can’t do my thing. I’m not up to it, that’s all.”

“What you’re doing is giving up, like me!” Chazz told. “Just like last year when I went to the far south and tried to take over the world by Dueling. But who snapped me out of it and allowed me to keep my composure all the way until Duel Island ended?”

“Oh yeah, you did become lame after that. But I apologize, I just gotta find my muse and get back into it, seein’ as I can’t see my cards,” Jaden apologized.

“Fine, Yuki! See if I care!” Chazz growled. “Just make it snappy and get your butt back at the academy soon. Got it?!” Bastion turned around started floating back to the nearby academy.

“Please Jaden, we’ll need you soon,” Bastion pleaded. “You do things that the rest of us can’t.”

“I hear ya’,” Jaden heard.

“And take this, huh huh!” Deep-Voice Dobbson shouted, throwing a Broccoli n’ Cheese McSammich Meal to Jaden. It bounded off of his head and into the water.

“Why did we volunteer to be the ship again?” Omega-Xis asked.

 

MEANWHILE ON THE HOVERCRAFT…

Sartorius sat at a tray table as he and Stephen Boyd rapidly cruised over the surf of the Pacific Ocean. He had two more Jo Jo cards set out and he began flipping them over one at a time. First was a Wheel of Fortune, signified by a demonic-looking fancy car with a muscley arm sticking out of the window. “The Wheel of Fortune signifies that our friend Jaden’s adventures aren’t over quite yet,” Sartorius predicted. “I’m surprised how long he’s managed to worm his way out of everything sent at him. I’d say we have a fifty-fifty chance of him staying silent.”

“I see,” Stephen Boyd accepted.

“As we wait though, I believe it would be best we begin taking more followers…” Sartorius flipped over the image of an exceedingly ugly man showing off his two left hands as his wrapped-up familiar held out his dual-knived wrists in the background. “Apparently it’s the Hanged Man… I think we should begin with somebody weak-willed, such as… Chazz Princeton, the boy we saw last year?”

“Oh yeah, that one Duel broadcast everywhere?” Stephen Boyd remembered. “He sure SEEMED weak-willed. Plus he even has an orbital space cannon in his possession! That’ll be a perfect last-ditch.”

“NEARING DESTINTION.” stated the hovercraft’s onboard autopilot system, Autronia.

“Thank you, Tronia,” Sartorius thanked, gathering his possessions together.

“DON’T TRY TO FLATTER ME WITH YOUR SWEET TALK.” The computer stated. The hovercraft crashed into the Duel Academy docks, exploding and sending Sartorius and Stephen Boyd onto the concrete. Crowler and Bonaparte immediately appeared with a ‘ZIPP!!’ sound effect.

 

“Why hellooooo, mister Sartorius!” Crowler greeted. “And how nice it is to see you again, mister Boyd!” It shook their hands. “So I hear Aster Phoenix, one of your protégés, was unable to attend the academy this year?”

“I’m terribly sorry about that Mr. Crowler—”

“Not a man.”

“—but young Aster has been in high demand as of late. He’s been booked full for the next three seasons, so you can understand our predicament. Hence I sent you the message that I would be coming out to look for new talent?”

“You did?”

“I sent it to Bonaparte, your assistant,” Sartorius clarified.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME SOONER?!?!” Crowler roared, throwing Bonaparte to the concrete.

“Hey, don’t beat him up over that!” Stephen Boyd said. “It’s alright; no harm done, nothing’s spinning out of control. Besides, isn’t life that much more fun when it’s so unpredictable?”

Hearing his words, Crowler bent down, picked up her marionette friend and rubbed his head softly. “I suppose you’re right, then. In any case, I haven’t forgotten to properly greet you yet, Stephen! It hasn’t been long since you left, and almost everything’s in the same place.”

“What happened to Shepherd?”

“He went out on the lam because of those harassment charges.”

“He sure couldn’t keep his hands off the women!”

 

“In any case,” Crowler re-railed, “to get back on track, I must thank you for coming to take that teaching position we have open. I swear, that Slifer Dorm has been a madhouse ever since Banner disappeared and presumably died and got eaten by his cat AHO-HO-HO-HO. Maybe the lack of meals is what’s doing it.”

“I forgot that the Headmaster had to provide meals,” Stephen sighed contentedly. “Don’t worry, I have it all set up.”

“Good! Now I assume you won’t have any troubles finding the Slifer Dormitories?” Crowler supposed. “I hope you won’t mind if we diverge and give your tutor a guided tour of the school grounds.”

“And I’ll go and create a list of ouwah STRONGEST Duelists on the whole school!” Bonaparte volunteered. Crowler threw him far away toward their office.

“That won’t be necessary, I think I’ll be able to scout the good ones out by myself,” Sartorius offered.

“Just be careful, because some of our students have some real hidden talent, if y’know what I mean, ha ha ha!” Crowler got up close to his ear. “By that I mean homicidal maniacs and people who can turn stupidity into an art form.”

“I don’t believe I’ll have any trouble discerning the idiots from the murderers from the actual Duelists, thank you,” Sartorius thanked. “Stephen, could you lead me around to the dormitories?”

“Sure. See you ‘round, Crowler,” Stephen bid, walking away and taking care to step on Bonaparte. Sartorius followed, chuckling to himself.

And now we wait… mweh heh heh heh…

“What a nice young fellow,” Crowler supposed. Then she walked away into the hovercraft and flew away to Barbados.

 

Chazz and his gang were walking back to class through the helpful forest pathway. “Damn Yuki, making trouble for us all,” he muttered. “You can run, but you can’t escape your damn problems! I already SAID we went over that idea!”

“THAT’S SO DEEP!!” Ojama Yellow cried in admiration, shaking his ugly butt.

“Ew!” Chazz screamed, sending him flying.

“Aw, come on, huh Chazz huh,” Deep-Voice Dobbson reasoned, “don’t just scream the lil’ guy away like that! Little huh guys huh matter too.”

“Oh yes, I FORGOT that Ojama Yellow is people,” Chazz sniffed. “Where would I be without HIM?”

“Aw, I reckon you’re just in a rival crisis is all, so you’re in the grumps,” Billy Hills decided.

“‘In the grumps’? Are you speaking clearly?”

 

“You should listen to him, Mr. Princeton,” suggested the newcomer Sartorius. He and Stephen Boyd stood in their way at the end of some sort of clearing. “Duel Spirits are quite precious indeed, and it’s important to protect them. You never know when they’ll come in handy.”

Chazz spat on the ground. “Who are you, why do you know my name, and why are you stopping me from going back to the class I’m skipping?”

“I got the police on speed-dial I reckon!”

“The police won’t be necessary; I assure you I’m no child predator. I’ll just need a smidgen of your time.”

“I see you have this covered?” Stephen Boyd checked.

“Sure, go ahead and do what you need.”

“Gotcha, I’ll talk to you later.” Stephen Boyd turned and left the scene.

 

“And who was that?”

“He is the new Headmaster of the Slifer Red dorm, and I’m here to Duel you,” Sartorius said.

“And why can’t we just pass, huh guy huh?” Deep-Voice Dobbson asked.

“Call me Sartorius. And you can just try passing me if you want.”

“Good!” Ojama Yellow cheered. He flew back on-screen and past Sartorius. He exploded. Some sort of shadow was standing behind Sartorius.

“‘Duel Spirits are quite precious indeed, huh?” Chazz repeated. “Okay then, I suppose you want to Duel me.”

“Of course.”

“Fine. I don’t even want to ask. “

Hmm, although I wasn’t told of the other two boys. Let’s see if I can take them as well. “In addition,” Sartorius decided, “how about each of you Duel me together?”

“Eh?” the trio gasped.

“Yes, you all start with four-thousand Life Points each against my own four-K. If you win, you earn the right to become professional Duelists in the professional circuit. I sponsor Duelists, you know.” He tossed them his business card, featuring Sartorius laughing like a demonic madman. ‘Sartorius Sartorius:’ it read, ‘I sponsor Duelist kids just like you’. “That includes Aster Phoenix.”

 

Aster Phoenix? This guy means big business! And we all know how rich people love money, Chazz decided. “Why me of all the people on the island?” Chazz asked. “Why did you choose to seek me out?”

“Because you’re one of the least weak and easiest to manipulate Duelists on the island.”

“I see your point,” Chazz agreed.

“DON’T DO IT CHAZZ I RECKON!!” Billy Hills warned!

“Quiet, and take this.” Chazz tossed Billy Hills his Ojama Yellow card. “In the event we turn pro, rip it in two.

“Uh, alright I reckon.” The four Duelist guys all took out their Duel Disks. Sartorius’ was something a little special.

“Dude, are you alright?” asked Chazz. Sitting next to a confident Sartorius was a rickety tray table “Duel Disk”. It fell over and one of the legs fell off.

“No, are YOU alright?” asked Sartorius. “A Duel Disk is a Duelist’s soul.”

“Your soul is crap.”

“Or so you think?” Sartorius lifted the tray table up. Another leg fell off. In retaliation he smashed it to the ground by its last legs, snapping them apart. “Ah, there we go.”

“Your soul is a busted-up tray. That basically means you suck as a person.”

“As they say,” Sartorius said, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder. DUEL.”

(Sartorius: 4000 Life Points, Deep-Voice Dobbson: 4000 Life Points, Chazz Princeton: 4000 Life Points, Billy Hills: 4000 Life Points)

 

Sartorius sat on the ground cross-legged with the tray sitting on his lap. He set his deck onto one corner after one good shuffle and placed five cards face-down upon the tray. “Hey, ain’cha gonna check those cards out, I reckon?” Billy Hills asked.

“Not necessarily,” Sartorius said, “mweh-heh-heh-heh-heh, MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!”

“… Should I hit speed-dial, huh Chazz huh?”

“No, just kick his ass.”

“On it, huh Chazz HUH!!” Deep-Voice Dobbson drew a card. “I summon the huh Bass Beast huh!” A large lion stood next to Deep-Voice Dobbson on his two hind legs.

“La la la LAAAAA~” he sang. (Bass Beast: 1600 Attack Points)

“But that’s not all, huh, because I play Opera Hall!” A card appeared and showcased a fat man singing with a soulful blocky robot. “Now, huh, I can summon a second Bass monster from my hand, and I’m choosin’ the Bass Caterpillar!” A large green caterpillar constructed from circles appeared and wiggled furiously. (Bass Caterpillar: 1300 Attack Points) “Now, combine, huh, to form, huh, the Bass Aircraft!” The Bass Lion tapped the Bass Caterpillar, causing it to fall apart. Then the lion began picking up its segments and stuck them onto each of its limbs. Then he put its head on as a helmet. It was now the Bass Aircraft.

“How’d he turn into an airplane, I reckon?” Billy Hills asked.

“To do this, huh!”

“LAAAAA~!” Bass Aircraft sang sweetly.

“Wow, yer’ right, I reckon!”

 

“In that case, it seems to be my turn,” Sartorius understood. He placed another card onto his tray. “I believe my latest card was called Vision.” He flipped the sixth card over. It showed some sort of evil eyes staring at a man, releasing psychic waves about throughout a trippy wasteland.

“Oh hey he was right cool I reckon,” Billy Hills gulped.

“And I believe my next card is going to be… The Hanged Man.” Sartorius flipped over the top card of his deck. It featured some strange green slimy thing upside-down on some sort of tree-ish thing.

“Stop cheating, freak!” Chazz decreed!

“I do not cheat,” Sartorius explained, “for Vision reveals my next card and returns it to my deck. If I play the card revealed, you all lose one-thousand Life Points.” He snickered a little. “The Hanged Man really suits you, Princeton.”

“Eh? What’re you talking about?” Chazz demanded.

 

“The Hanged Man, Trump number Twelve, is your fortune I have predicted. It represents you perfectly. You’ve given up so much to get where you are today, whereas you used to be an impulsive little brat controlled by others above you. But you’ve grown to be like the others and come to terms with yourself, reinvented as a lover and defender. One thing I see out of place is you losing patience with me…”

“Damn RIGHT I’m losing patience! You know how much animation you’re wasting with this junk?” Chazz shouted. “I could finish you in TWO turns by myself if you’d stop being such a freaky child molester!”

“Mweh-heh-heh… I am neither molester nor a freak as you call me, I am just a simple Dueling Sponsor slash soothsayer slash Duelist slash future ruler of the universe.”

“There you go again! You CAN’T tell me a molesting freak doesn’t act like that!”

“I have the right to dodge that question. Now accept that and take this: I play the card Suit of Sword X!” A Spell card image appeared in mid-air, featuring a field of swords in the ground. “Once I play this card, my card is rotated for you. If you stop it facing upward, all of your monsters are destroyed, and vice-versa if it’s reversed. Call it.” The card’s hologram began flipping around as fast as conceivable possible.

“Uh, uh… um, why’s it gotta go so fast?!” Chazz complained!

“Call it now,” ordered a large, shadowed figure.

“Okay WHOOPS I RECKON” Billy Hills blurted out suddenly. The card froze upward.

“Nice choice, I respect it,” the shadow respected.

“So what the hell is this… shadow thing… supposed to be?” Chazz asked, peeved.

“Do your thing, if you’d please, my friend,” Sartorius allowed.

 

“I thought you’d never ask,” it sighed with a booming, metallic tint to its voice. “THE WORLD!!” The Bass Aircraft was stabbed all over with swords and the mechanical figure had disappeared, having stood behind Billy Hills now all of a sudden.

“Who WAS that?” Chazz asked. “Another Duel Spirit? They’re just popping out the woodwork now. And they’re quoting memes now! What a world…”

“Laugh all you want,” the Machine-Fairy grunted, fading back into the shadows. “But once you see the light… LITERALLY…”

“That was a huh bad huh joke.”

“Don’t worry, he’s just one of my Duel Spirits,” Sartorius stated, discarding his card. “I assure you, he won’t do anything dangerous until the end. Then you’ll all be dead. And I’ll be happy.”

“Got speed-dial, huh!” Deep-Voice Dobbson’s cell phone inverted upon itself, causing confusion. “Huh?!”

“And now you don’t. For now I shall just summon Arcana Force IX – The Hermit.” A small, insect-like floating bluish robot with a tiny sword and shield combo platter appeared and blinked its singular red eye. (IX Hermit: 1900 Defense Points) The card began to spin, obviously causing the bug much turmoil. “Call upright, he can’t be destroyed through battles. Call it reversed and he dies when attacked.”

“I call it reversed!” Chazz ordered. The card stopped revolving, causing the Hermit guy to be thrown off and onto the ground. It began to sob.

“I reckon that’s what you get for bein’ re-named t’fit the motif!” Billy Hills chided.

 

Chazz stepped forward. “I think it’s my turn now,” he decided, “and I’m starting by playing the Spell card Graceful Charity!” A beautifying angel appeared over him.

“I’m your guardian angel,” she said, “and you need to take these.” She handed him three cards. “NOW PAY UP.”

“Sheesh!” Chazz growled, throwing two cards at her. They missed and floated into the dirt.

“Good enough, but I’ll be back for your first-born,” she decided, flying away.

“Next I activate the card Level Modulation!” A set of five dice appeared. They didn’t matter in the slightest. “First things first: you draw two cards.” Sartorius picked up two cards.

“Ooh,” he said, studying them.

“You told me you weren’t going to look at your cards!” Chazz cried! “Stop cheating by following the rules!”

“I said not necessarily,” Sartorius insinuated. “And then I laughed. And then the deep-voiced boy talked. And then I called you The Hanged Man.”

“Do I get a fortune, Mr. huh Sartorius—”

“You don’t deserve one because your voice is too deep,” Sartorius explained.

“Huuuuuh…” Deep-Voice Dobbson groaned.

“See, there you go again. You really need to learn how to stop that.”

“But I reckon he CAIN’T stop it! It’s in ‘is blood, I reckon!” Billy Hills cried out.

“And your accent is truly offensive.”

“But… I reckon it’s what made me so dern popular!”

“Excuses…”

 

“More like excuses to NOT LOSE!” Chazz yelled, gaining attention again! “Level Modulation’s second effect now activates: I can summon one ‘Level’ monster from my Graveyard!” The dice bounced around and spat out magic oils and died. From the puddle of dreams rose the crimson armored dragon bursting death-bound blinding blades! No, I am NOT coherent anymore, because it is done! (Armed Dragon Level Seven: 2800 Attack Points)

“I see,” Sartorius noticed.

“Dobbson, now!” Chazz ordered.

“Right, eh, Chazz, eh,” Deep-Voice Dobbson exclaimed, sucking in air as he spoke.

“… Seriously?”

“But Sartorius made me self-huh-conscious, Chazz! You gotta believe me, huh!”

“Just play the darn Trap.” Deep-Voice Dobbson’s latent Ojama Trio Trap card flipped itself up and ejected three Ojamas onto Sartorius’ field!

“Heya fake-boss!” Ojama Yellow greeted.

“BLEHEEGK!!” Sartorius spat with bloodiness.

“These three Ojama Tokens do nothing for you but take up three monster spaces, deal three-hundred damage to you when they die, and act generally annoying!” Chazz dictated.

“He’s right, fake-boss!” Ojama Yellow agreed as the three Ojamas wiped their butts in Sartorius’ face.

“Ugh, they’re so annoying!” Sartorius said. “Hermit!” The Hermit sat up off of the dirty dirt and its eye flashed. It flew up and kicked the three monsters into their places on the field.

“Next I’ll sacrifice my Level Seven Armed Dragon to summon… wait for it…” Chazz held a monster card aloft. A laser struck his dragon from above, turning it into… a bipedal dragon lord covered in iron and demonic horn-like spines of skewering. Steam radiated off of its presence. It hungered. (Armed Dragon Level Ten: 3000 Attack Points) “Say hello to Level Ten.”

“I see,” Sartorius saw.

“See THIS,” Chazz suggested.

“I don’t,” Sartorius didn’t see, as all four monsters on his field were sitting in the Armed Dragon’s mouth.

“It’s a simple trick,” Chazz said. “I just discard a card and my monster kills your field. Nothing personal, Yellow.”

“No offense taken, boss,” Ojama Yellow accepted.

“SSSSLLLLLLRRRRRPPPP!!!” Armed Dragon Level Ten inhaled, swallowing all four monsters.

 

“Once you have truly internalized the lessons life has set out to teach you,” the Hermit preached, “then you will learn that you have BECOME the lesson you had set out to discover.”

“MAKE SENSE MORE!!” Chazz demanded!

“BLLAAAAGH!!” Armed Dragon belched, spitting out three pairs of Speedos at Sartorius’ face.

“Ew,” he recoiled, wiping them away. (Sartorius: 3100 Life Points, THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED)

“Man the I reckon up!” Billy Hills cried. “They’re just reckon holograms!”

“That…doesn’t make it any better.”

“And now the coup de grace!” Chazz exclaimed! “Armed Dragon Level Ten! METEOR TEN!!” The dragon’s eyes flashed. He took one leap and left the stratosphere. Once safely tucked away in the asteroid belt, he kicked one of the giant space rocks, causing it to fly into another rock, which hit two rocks, which hit three rocks, which bounded and rebounded around until they had smashed ten asteroids into a slab sitting just ahead of the monster. Armed Dragon Level Ten punched the giant slab, causing all ten rocks to fly down to earth.

 

They all crashed around Sartorius and his tray table, covered in azure flames, and surrounded him like a prison as the dragon crashed down from above and slugged him holographically in the face. The asteroids blew up, sending space dust everywhere. (Sartorius: 3100 -> 100 Life Points) “Interesting,” Sartorius understood. “This isn’t a Duel Spirit, but just merely a hologram that threw actual meteors into my face. For what reason could this occur?”

“Because I’m a badass.”

“Fine answer, Chazz,” Sartorius accepted. “But now it’s my turn, and I’ll be playing The Selection of Fate.” He placed a Spell card into his Graveyard pile. “Billy-kid.”

“EH I RECKON?!” Billy Hills gasped. “’Re you reckonin’ me?”

“You can participate for this effect card. All you must do is walk up to me, choose one of my cards, and if it’s a monster I may summon it.” Sartorius held up his hand. “Which one is the Hanged Man? Mweh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.”

“Rrrrreckin’...” Billy Hills looked toward his friends for support.

“Don’t worry; all you have to do is one-hundred damage on your turn. You’ve got this in the bag,” Chazz coached with a ChazzThumbUp.

Wowzers, a ChazzThumbUp; I reckon that means I ‘kin do it! Billy Hills believed. He calmly walked up to Sartorius. “Let me see the cards, I reckon,” Billy Hills requested.

“Alright, if you insist,” Sartorius said, showing off his Arcana Force XII - The Hanged Man card.

“Why’re you showing me the card, I reckon?” Billy Hills wondered.

“Eye on the birdie,” Sartorius suggested. He put all five of his cards into his mouth and swallowed.

“EH RECKON?!”

 

Sartorius stood up and whipped his arms around, sending a stream of cards out from his sleeves! “Look look!” He flipped them into the air and caught them on his fingers, spinning them like rectangular tops. “Pick which one! Pick which one!” Billy Hills reached out and tried to grab a random card. “Oops!” Sartorius flicked them all away into his hair. They seeped into it in a horrifying fashion. They all started flying around through the hairdo like flies buzzing around something rotten!

“… I reckon I’m havin’ a freak out.”

“Not quite!” Sartorius snapped his fingers. The cards briskly floated out and into the air, waiting to be chosen. “Now make a choice!” Billy Hills reached out to the card in the middle. “Try again.” To the one on the far right. “Too bad.” One floated up an inch. He reached to it. “Try harder.”

“SCREEEW THAAAATireckon!!” Billy Hills screamed, splapping all of the cards to the ground. Five copies of the Hanged Man monster appeared. “AAA…AA…A A…AAAAAAA… RECK…ON?!?!” (XII The Hanged Man: 2200 Attack Points)

“THE HECK JUST HAPPENED?!?!” Chazz demanded!

“HUH WHAT HUH!!”

“The monster you choose can be summoned,” Sartorius said. “Your friend slapped all five cards to the ground in choice, so I summoned them and you all lose one-thousand Life Points.”

“EEEH?!?!” they all cried, exploding (but only on the inside). (Chazz Princeton: 3000 Life Points, Deep-Voice Dobbson: 3000 Life Points, Billy Hills: 3000 Life Points)

“Y-y-y… you tricked me, I reckon!” Billy Hills assumed!

“Foolish boy,” Sartorius stated, “there are no tricks. Only fate exists. You cannot escape it no matter how hard you try! Now, spin, my Hanged Man number one!” One of the five creatures began to flip upside-down and right-side up again. “Call it upright and once per turn my monster destroys one of my cards and I lose Life Points equal to its Attack Points. Call it reversed and I destroy your monster.”

“EH?!” Chazz looked up at his dragon. “But…” All four of the other Hanged Men began to revolve as well. “You have… five…”

“Only through the destruction of self can you attain true divinity,” the first monster hinted cryptically. “Please accept it and grow.”

“… Ugh…”

“You… you hafta call them all upward, I reckon,” Billy Hills realized.

“We believe in you, huh, Chazz!” Deep-Voice Dobbson told. “Don’t worry, huh, just focus!”

“Nnn… uuuuhhh…” Chazz looked at the five creatures carefully. They quickly devolved into teal blurs, flipping faster than the eye could understand. “I… I… STOP!!”

 

MEANWHILE, AT THE SLIFER TOOLSHED…

Stephen Boyd stood at the head of a table in the eating establishment area, having gathered the whole dorm together, plus Bunnyear but minus Syrus, Jaden and the Chazz group. “Why’s she here?” Hassleberry asked, poking her. She was unresponsive. Senkaiyoh was watching a program on her stomach while gripping Mann McOldsmobile like a pillow.

“Bobby, now I don’t want you to think you’re the reason we’re getting a divorce.”

“Yes, you had nothing to do with it, so don’t worry. It’s just—”

“Of course it wasn’t my fault! Hell, if anything it’s BETH’S fault! Duh, I dunno how to be a mom! ‘Ey Bobby, waddo I do now?”

“She just came in here right after that guy in the black-and-green leather coat with the lime-tipped semi-long white hair and all the studs lining his pants legs and arms. Boy, does he look warm!” Senkaiyoh described, watching her favorite show.

“Please let me go,” Mann McOldsmobile requested, breathless. “You grip too hard.” A bone snapped.

 

“I guess now’s as good a time as ever to explain why I’m here, since almost all eleven of you Slifer Reds and random other students from other dorms have assembled,” Stephen Boyd began, “I’m your new Headmaster!” No response. “That means I bring food.”

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

“Does that mean you’re re-instating cookies after dinner? With milk?”

“Does the flavor ‘Choco-LOTTA Chocolate Chips Chocolate Chip Cra-Z Cookie’ mean anything to you?” He took out a large cookie platter, covered in chocolate cookies covered in chocolate chips covered in chocolate sauce. And there was milk.

“I LOVE YOU!!” Bunnyear shrieked, admiring him.

“Sweet jegus, just like her sister!” Mann McOldsmobile shrieked!

“Thanks, odd rabbit-eared girl in the back! Now I’m going to be moving into Headmaster Banner’s old room on the first floor and I’ll try to keep all of you kids in line.”

“But you were here last year!” one guy reasoned. “You CAN’T be a teacher!”

“I got qualifications!” Stephen Boyd held out a coupon. ‘1 Free Job down at Duel Academy Island’, it read.

“Where did you GET that thing?” said Barry the Beginner.

“Chik-Fil-A. They were passing out chicken sandwiches with these inside. Plus, I DID graduate in my first year, right?”

“I’m hooked!” Bunnyear told herself. “A new young teacher, making up the rules as he goes, with that dark punk look, as if he want to make the world his enemy!” She turned to Senkaiyoh. “Can I live in your room?”

“Sen-kai-NOOO!!”

“Perfect! Thanks!” She girl-hugged her.

“Aw, man!” Senkaiyoh complained with a smile and a wink, signifying the end of the animated short.

 

“Oh, and also, before dinner begins—”

“DANGER!! DANGER!!” Syrus bellowed, running into the room! “JADEN IS GONE!!”

“He actually floated out further?!”

“YES!!” Syrus told. “Oh who’s the white-haired prettyboy?”

“I’m your Headmaster!” Stephen Boyd answered. “Mr. Boyd, just call me Stephen, I’ll be making sure you guys are safe.”

“Hmm, trendy. Cool. BUT JADEN’S GONE!!”

“Buck up, Sy,” Hassleberry told, patting his shoulder, “we’ll make sure he’ okay. I mean, what could POSSIBLY happen to Jaden in a boat?”

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!” Jaden screamed as he rowed his boat through a herd of sharkknights wielding swordfish.

 

“Oh, and also,” Stephen Boyd remembered, “I’ve been told that Chazz, Billy and Deep-Voice are all moving out of the Slifer dorm.”

“Deep-Voice was the FIRST name?!”

“Yes, and they’re going to be joining a new dorm getting set up in the old building in the woods. It’s gonna be totally refurbished, and those three will be the first members. More details will arise shortly, but don’t worry, you’ll be seeing them soon.”

“But… why did they leave?” Syrus asked.

“Well…”

 

Chazz, Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson fell to their knees in shock. “We… lost already?” Chazz growled. “NO!!” He punched the ground. “OOOWW, MY SEXY FIST!!”

“Are we… gonna be alright, Chazz, huh?” Deep-Voice Dobbson pleaded as tears welled up in his eyes. “I mean, huh, Chazz, we all lost together. Will we… huh…”

“Look at me,” Sartorius demanded. “Look at my face.” Chazz begrudgingly agreed and stared into his eyes. “Boy, I know all about you. You want strength to defeat your rival. And yet you cannot do it alone. Do you know why?”

“Because you’re infuriating me?”

“No,” Sartorius laughed, “but you are quite funny. What you’re doing wrong is merely embracing your dark side, the one thirsting for power and cards that throw asteroids. What you need is to balance yourself with the power of The Light. Do you want it?” Sartorius picked up a card off of his deck. “I can give it to you and your friends, who want nothing but to empower you to your goals.”

“I… I…”

 

Sartorius took out a Jo Jo Tarot Card featuring a heavily-scarred man of Native American descent holding a hideous ebony doll. “The Devil in Tarot is a symbol of yourself tied down by desires. Loosen yourself. Divide your burden and let me help you.” Sartorius touched the card to Chazz’s head. “That’s right…” Chazz was engulfed with a white aura.

“Ahh, ahh! What are you doing?!” Chazz demanded, losing the will to be a jerkface!

“I’m taking your anger from you.” Sartorius threw a card labeled ‘Judgment’ at Billy Hills and a card labeled ‘Hierophant’ at Deep-Voice Dobbson. They too were engulfed in whiteness. “All of you, join me, and I will assist you in any way I can. And in return…” A fine mist perforated from the trio and obscured them from sight.

 

“… Well blue-haired boy,” Stephen Boyd answered, “they’re just going to be undertaking a little Duelist lesson and figure out what cards truly fit their play style. They’re just going to be in-training.”

“That sounds… acceptable,” Syrus said with a shrug. “Can I have a cookie.”

“Heck yeah!”

“WOOO!!!” Syrus leaped into the cookie pile, ushering in a new age of chocolate.

“So, uh, what are some of your interests?” Bunnyear asked, suddenly sidling up to him.

“I like good people,” Stephen Boyd answered, “and high-tech stuff. Also fried chicken.”

“Hey! Me too!”

 

“Stand up,” Sartorius asked, pointing to Chazz, Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson. “Now, do you know what to do?” All three characters rose. They were now wearing all-white clothing and their hair had been turned freakishly ashen.

“Why indubitably sir,” Chazz said, holding out a small white cloth. “Would you care for a shoeshine while we are here?”

“That won’t be necessary, Chazz,” Sartorius decided, “just prepare to get to work.”

“Why I embody joviality over yon fair decision and feel well hardiness over our current occupation,” Billy Hills said, equipping a construction worker helmet.

“That was more Engrish than Olde English, but that’s fine; I must just be a little rusty,” Sartorius thought.

“We shall all prepare to put the new dorm building back into shape upon your request, sir,” Deep-Voice Dobbson told in his new feminine voice.

“Now that’s just as disturbing-sounding as I’d hoped,” Sartorius said. “And now, my guinea pigs, go forth and fix up that old shack in the woods. I’m leaving to Domino City to prepare something special.” Sartorius suddenly dropped the Wheel of Fortune Tarot card. It fell upside-down. “Oh whoops I guess that means Jaden Yuki is going to have a change of fortune, mweh-heh-heh.” He picked it up and scurried off. Chazz, Billy Hills and Deep-Voice Dobbson jumped into a construction crane and drove it off toward their new destination.

 

“WE SHALT NOT FAIL THEE, SIR!!”

 

[spoiler=NEXT EPISODE:]Digimon. Neon Genesis Evangelion. Naruto. All of these shows have something in common. And it’s coming back to bite them all in a bad place. Why? Because Senkaiyoh is going to ruin everything for everyone everywhere! Beehive Larry makes a special guest appearance! NEXT TIME: The Grand War! Something something something!

 

 

[Weather Report - Stand]

NOOS: There is a next chapter.

 

CONS: It won't be ready by Friday, interrupting my weekly powers.

 

PROS: It's written with the powers of my sister, Kendofish, who was here like seventybajillion years ago. So it has a lot of good humour and whatnot. Tally forth, for we shall try to finish it as soon as possible.

 

MORE CONS: It's about steak sauce, though.

[~Nightshade~]

Steak sauce?

 

....whaaatttt

[Weather Report - Stand]

Well, honestly, 67 was ALREADY up, but I suck anyways so I'm leaving the heading up until this is finished as an act of 'you are an idjit, WRS.'

 

Written by Kendofish who hasn't signed in for months!

 

[spoiler=Episode 68: Comadarie Contest]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX: The Fan Fic

Ep. 68: Steak Sauce RUMBLE

 

A weak guitar ditty eased us into the world of Slifer Red Dorm. For lack of a better thing to do, a few of our main characters decided to watch some TV using Bunnyear's wacky stummick.

"How do you operate this thing, yo?" Jaden said, looking at the monitor up close.

"Out of the way, Jay! Den!" Senkaiyoh shoved him brutally out of the way. "When a boy examines it, it's gross!"

"There's no buttons or anything involved," Bunnyear said. "i just have to summon all my willpower and energy in order to turn it on, and then the channels change when I move my ears." After a few seconds, the TV screen flickered to life, Senkaiyoh backed away onto the couch, and this is what she saw:

 

At first the screen was simply a void of brown...stuff. "Di-di-di," a freaky voice said repeatedly. "Di-di-di. Di-di-di. ...Digimon. ...Digimon. ........Di-di-di. ...Digimon." A kid appeared and started flailing wildly, only to fall into the brown, saucy void below. Then a bunch of letters started flying around, showing various meat dishes swimming in the brown stuff as if they were letter-shaped windows. More panicked children were sent hurdling into some sauce.

Then the chorus kicked in: "Digimon, digital steak sauce, Digimon steak sauce yum yum! Digimon, digital steak sauce, Digimon steak sauce yum yum!" The scene changed to a slideshow of disgusting monochrome meat products...which were transformed into delectable, full-color steak sauce-related products! Greymon, Togemon, Kabuterimon, Garurumon, and all your other favorite Champion-form characters started chowing down on some steak sauce-related meals. "WAAAAARK!" Birdramon said as it bit down on some medium rare steak.

A blue-haired kid was shown riding on a giant slab of venison, gliding through an entire steak sauce OCEAN. "ChaAaAaAange eento dee-lishus steak sauce toOoOo save the taste-budding WORLD."

Suddenly, the hideous orb guy Nanimon punched through the screen to deliver a special message to the viewers! "HEY, YOU! YES, YOU!!"

 

"AAAAAH!!" Everyone flinched, even the tough drill sergeant Hassleberry!

"Not me, please," Syrus begged. "Not meEEEEE!!"

 

"I WANT YOU TO BUY DIGIMON STEAK SAUCE!" Nanimon screeched. "It's high in vitamins and minerals. Perfect balance of gluten and flavor. YOU WITH ME!?!?"

 

"GAAAAAAAAAH!!"

 

Just as suddenly, the commercial resumed. "Digimon, digital steak sauce, Digimon steak sauce yum yum!" Little kid TK looked worried as Angemon stole his huge bowl of steak sauce, flying away into the sunset. "Digimon, digital steak sauce, Digimon steak sauce yum yum!" All of the kids were flying through the sea of steak sauce using air bubbles as transport. They were, inexplicably, happy. The viewers were brought to the tiny island of veal (floating in the middle of a GARGANTUAN amount of Digimon steak sauce), where the chanting stopped. The image of a corrupt corporate executive appeared behind the island! Birdramon's "WAAAAARK" played again.

A bottle of Digimon Steak Sauce appeared, releasing a mammoth geyser of brown goop. The goop turned into a glowing red cyclone, sucking a bunch of struggling Digimon into it! All fo the Digimon were soon thrown out, having Digivolved into their Champion forms! "DIGIVOLVE INTO STEAK SAUCE. DIGIVOLVE INTO ULTIMATEDELICIOUSNESS," the freaky voice crammed in as Birdramon "WAAAAARK"ed again.

"Digimon, digital steak sauce, Digimon steak sauce yum yum! Digimon, digital steak sauce, Digimon steak sauce yum yum!" All of the main characters, children and Digimon, were armed with oversized bottles of steak sauce. When they squeezed some of the steak sauce out at enemies, they transformed into delicious meals! It ended with a huge "DIGIMON (steak sauce)" icon, and Nanimon posing. "Digimon, digital steak sauce, Digimon steak sauce yum yum! Digimon, digital monsters, DIGIMON!!!"

 

Syrus rubbed his stomach, looking dazed and swaying back and forth. "I really got a hankering for some steak sauce..."

A hypnotized Mann McOldsmobile said, "Senkai, gimmee some steak sauce, would you?"

Jaden and Hassleberry swayed to and fro singing, "EVA-01 Steak Sauce yeah...EVA-01!"

"It's freakin' Sen...kai...YYYYOOOOOO!! This commercial is evil!" Senkaiyoh pulled out a handgun and started shooting holes in the wall behind Bunnyear! "Pure evil!"

"Wooooah! The commercial is evil but my tummy is not! I'll change the channel, alriiiiight!?" Bunnyear dived out of the way.

"Hmm, touche." Senkaiyoh made her gun disappear. (add an accent?)

 

These kids would come out of their state of temporary hypnosis soon enough. But the great battle of the sauces was far from over...

 

In reality, the Legendary Steak Sauce TrinityTM had been fighting for (about 1.5) decades. Over the years they had come to a strange sort of peace, with each brand taking its respective seat within the ranks of society: EVA-01 was popular among the aristocrats, Digimon among the middle class, and Kabuto brought itself to a weird niche market, in the form of delinquents and hoboes.

During these approximately fifteen years, the flavor and potency of steak sauce was brought into the public eye. When asked about their favorite food there will always be "pizza kids", "ice cream kids", and "steak sauce kids". Pizza and ice cream have now become common lunchtime items amongst the school cafeteria circuit, but what of steak sauce? Is this condiment of legend, which has brought three branches of a wholly unique culture together in a beautiful demonstration of today's class system, to be ignored in today's business of education?

 

No longer.

 

For this was the day of which the Great Unholy Sauce Vote was slated to start on! The creator of this vote, a certain Crowler, was surprised to find that the results were found not in the booths of voting, but on the field of carnage...

 

"Hey, Slifer SLACKER!! You think Digimon steak sauce is better than EVA-01 steak sauce!?"

Some nameless Slifer slacker had been backed into a wall by a slightly larger, more blue and bullying child. "Uh, y-yeah! That's right!" the smaller one said. "Di-gi-mon! Have some steak sauce! Digimon have the steak sauce!" After failing to recapture the magic, the kid found a large bottle of steak sauce in his pocket, took the top off, and sprayed it all over the blue bully Super Soaker style.

"Hey, you think this hur- ow, my eyes! This don't prove anythi- aah, it's up mah nooooooose!" Pretty soon, every square inch of his body had vecome a lumpy and unnatural shade of digital steak sauce brown. The kid then smashed the bottle over the Obelisk Blue's head, mixing shades of pitiful blood red into the brown fiesta.

 

Da Jaden Krew watched the fight via a window. "What the hell are they doing!?" Syrus and Hassleberry cried at the same time. They glared at each other.

"Calm down, guys," Bunnyear said. "Birds of a feather flock together, after all."

"You're not a crazy shipper, are you!?" gasped Syrus.

"What she means is...is..." Jaden tried not to think too hard about it. "Get along now, hear?"

 

"And now for a tasty meal!" The little Slifer kid nibbled Obelisk Boy on the shoulder. "Mmm...MMM!"

"YOU CRAZY CANNIBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....."

"DO DIGIMON STEAK SAUCE COMMERCIALS REALLY HAVE THAT EFFECT ON PEOPLE!?!?" Syrus couldn't believe it. "I mean, imagine how many people have actually SEEN that commercial! And if it's a lot, we'll have a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE of DUEL GHOULS!! And they'll be out for our sauce-smothered flesh..." He stood there, trembling.

"If that ever happens, we'll whip 'em into shape!" Hassleberry said, pumping a fist.

"Yeah!" Jaden concurred, and the theme song played for a few seconds.

"Wait a second, WHO'S GONNA SAVE THAT GUY!?!?" Bunnyear screeched, jumping around and dialing 9-1-1 in her cell phone. "Hello, is this the police?"

 

Senkaiyoh had spontaneously appeared outdoors. "Freeze, you steak sauce-loving fool! You are under galactic arrest!"

"MMM..." The boy stood atop the fallen body like a rabid animal, giving Senkaiyoh a twisted, dripping grin.

"...And did I tell you that galactic arrest means DEATH!!" She riddled the boy's body with bullet holes, and it tumbled backward off of the body. {Death Count:)

"Hey..." The bully started to emerge, healthy save for the hardening shell of steak sauce around him. "I'm alive, thank Steak Sauce GodTM! Thank you, ma'-"

"Don't worry, youngster boy! I'll put you out of your MISERYYY!!" She shot the bully between the eyes...a killing blow! (Death Count:) "Poor kid, didn't have a chance..."

"HE COULD HAVE GONE TO THE HOSPITAL," Bunnyear said with tears in her eyes. "Wasn't that at least a little harsh?"

Mann McOldsmobile looked at her and said deadpan, "Bunnyear. Everything is a little harsh here."

On the flip side, Jaden applauded madly! "Ya dun good, Senkai!"

Mann McOldsmobile and Hassleberry gave a thumbs-up, Bunnyear shook her head in sadness, and Syrus shrugged.

"It's m'job!" she cooed. "Senkaiyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyoooooooh! Hope I have your respect now, Mann McOldsmobile!"

"She's MY girl, ManTM!" Jaden said, arms crossed. "Better step off, yo! Don't cross through the mud! I mean, the Senkai, yo!"

"Okay," he replied uncaringly.

 

Meanwhile, back at the dorm (again)...

Wondering if the academy knew about those types of incidents, Bunnyear turned her stomach on and changed it to the "Duel Academy Weekendsz" network.

"...and if you give your Beaver Warrior some Spells and Traps as backup, Trap Hole is recommended," some loser kid said at a newsdesk. You could tell he was a loser because he wore glasses.

"And now, back to academy news with Linda Academy," a female reporter said, readying her script. "What's your favorite steak sauce? Everybody has one, whether it be Jack Daniel's, Heinz, OK Sauce, Tabasco, Cackalacky, Jim Beam, Sweet Baby Rei's, Lea and Penpen's, Ring of Fire, Red Tokyo-3 Bay, Ole Baby Rei's BBQ, Gendo's Favorite Brown Sauce, Chancellor Shepherd, HFuyutsuki, or any of the other colorful varieties. If you had to have one choice of the three major steak sauce competitors in our academy lunches, what would it be? Despite the list of choices I'd just rattled off, there are only three options available, for financial reasons. A. EVA-01. B. Kabuto. C. Digimon. Write it down and submit it to P.O. Box 1832943531..."

"Oh, great. Perfect timing," Syrus said with a sigh (no it's not a Sy this time). "Once the war starts, nobody will survive. We might as well just abstain from voting."

"It's a great opportunity for ME, at least," said Jaden.

"YOUR meals will hardly be any different!"

"What do you mean? Pouring a big fat bottle of Kabuto on fast food makes it even more delectable!"

"When exactly would you be having to eat fast food!?" Hassleberry said, not believing the still-dastardly meal choices offered at Slifer Red.

"The crime rate is exceptionally high at this school," Senkaiyoh said. "Target practice!"

"...2493414341513534, exclamation point, 3264577542..."

"Wait a sec! Rewind that, rewind that! I need the whole P.O. box number!" Jaden started scribbling all over a small square of paper. Hassleberry and Mann McOldsmobile followed suit.

"Uh, okay."

"P.O. Box 18329..."

 

"Heave..."

"HOOOOOOO!!"

BLOOSHE!! Using a fancy pillar that came straight out of Obelisk Blue dorm, a ragtag bunch of Yellows broke through the wall! Dust and wall matter bounced off of everyone's faces.

"Freeze!" Senkaiyoh pointed a rifle at them. "In the name of Duel Academy's 17th Article of Lawfulness, DON'T COME IN NOW, ALRIGHT?!?!"

"Hold on!" Tubby Lowvoice declared. "We just wanna know your steak sauce preferences. Which is it? Kabuto, Digimon, or EVA-01?"

"Kabuto!" Jaden cried, raising his hand. "...Come on, don't be shy..." The other kids mumbled words of EVA-01 and Digimon. "Oh, come on, yo! I can't be the only dude who likes that stuff! It's brown gold!"

"EVA-01? Kabuto? Get outta town!" a misc. Ra Yellow girl said. "Our dorm has practically become Digimon Yellow! Join or be joined! Er...destroyed!"

"Is everyone fighting outside?" Senkaiyoh asked.

"Um...yeah, pretty much."

She went skipping out the newly-made exit, shooting randomly. "RANDOM CARNAGE!"

"Good luck with that."

 

"I'm a Ra at heart," Hassleberry said. "So even without actually trying the stuff, I guess I'll go with you!"

"WOO!!" the Digimon Yellows cheered, patting him on the back and welcoming him into the brigade.

"I don't wanna be a part of this!" Bunnyear panicked, causing her ears to flail like puppets and the reception to get all fuzzy.

"Nooooooooooo! Not only does mah krewmate leave me, but now, I can't even vote for the delinquent drink!?" Jaden shed a single tear. "You'll stay here, Hassleberry, if y'know what's good for ya!"

"Well...both roads probably lead to gore and violence, so I think neither choice is good for me. But none of us are gonna die permanently, I figure, so I'll see you guys later! Oh, uh, also guys, if you still want me on your team, don't kill them." He gestured toward the Jaden Krew.

"Fair enough," Tubby Lowvoice said. "You ARE that freaky drill sergeant kid. We could use you on the team! Ho heave!" The Digimon Yellows all ran backward and left.

"...So, guys. Anyone else gonna play on team Kabuto Red?" Jaden looked around at his mates. Everyone reluctantly raised their hands. "So y'all liked Kabuto, too!? Man, don't be so 'shamed o' yo' believes!"

"Actually, I like EVA-01 more," said Syrus.

"Digimon," said Bunnyear.

"I...don't actually care about steak sauce," said Mann McOldsmobile. "Anything's decent."

Jaden's eyes shimmered with tears. "You...y'mean-"

"Yes, Jay," declared Syrus. "We had nothing better to do today."

"A.....a........"

 

By the time the next scene rolled around, the gang was in front of the Slifer Toolshed, except for Jaden, who was inside of the toolshed. Five other nameless Kabuto Reds stood by them. He came out holding a scroll with the image of Naruto Uzumaki on the front! "Ya-ha!"

"How did you know THAT was in there?" Syrus wondered. "I've never even seen it before! What, did you have a secret stash!?"

"Don't ask questions! It's time to get yer game on, folks! There's a war goin' on out there, and this area won't be safe for long! So if I was you, I would focus on training mah ninja ski-owz!"

"Oh. ...Okay."

"What does the scroll say?" Mann McOldsmobile wondered.

Jaden unrolled the scroll to reveal...a picture of characters Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura!

"THAT'S NOT A SCROLL AT ALL!" Syrus gasped. "IT'S JUST A PROMOTIONAL POSTER! AND AN OUTDATED ONE, AT THAT!!"

"That may be, Sy," Jaden said, turning the poster to himself for a second, "that may be. But this'll help plenty! Just concentrate on your favorite character from the series, and it'll get you psyched!"

"Zabuza's not on there," Mann McOldsmobile said.

"...Just stare at Sakura, then."

"Wha- I can't stare at a fictional twelve-year-old girl! That doesn't help at all!"

"Sakura's one of the worst characters in the series!" Syrus said. "I mean, nobody likes her, am I right!?"

"...I kinda like Sakura," a random Red said with a tear running down his cheek.

"Okay, what now?" Jaden asked himself whilst rubbing his forehead. He took a closer look at the poster. "Hey, every y'alls! Look closer! There's some special ninja text in the background, yo!"

"Are you serious or are you just pulling our legs!?" Syrus said. Everyone else eagerly crowded around. "No hope..." He sat in the corner and shook his head.

"Ain't no joke, yo." Jaden's words gave Syrus the courage to look over at the ninja "scroll".

In the background was a strange cluster of blue smudges which read, "Hold ← + B and Itachi performs the Unlikely Green Suplex!" "WHAT THE!?!? THIS IS CRAP!!!"

All of the other Reds took out their Nintendo DSs. "Side plus B," they recited in chorus.

"WHATTHEHELLAREYOUDOIIIIIIIIIIIIING!?!?"

"We're desperate, alright?" Mann McOldsmobile said. "Now I may be capable of large-scale manslaughter, but a steak sauce war? That's too much."

"Something doesn't sound right about that sentence!"

"It's not working," a bland name student said. "Hm, maybe if I try it again it'll work."

"NO, IT WON'T!!"

 

An anthropomorphic blue toucan with a rainbow-striped beak ran over to Jaden, holding a letter. "Woah there, sonny boy! Here's a special note, for YOOOOOO!!"

"Aw sweet!"

"From the Plot Committee!"

"Awww. What is it this time, G?" Jaden took the letter, opened it, and started to read, miraculously all with one hand. "So I'm gonna miss out on the steak sauce battle of the century? Just because I'm supposed to be somewhere in the ocean!?"

"Pretty much."

He froze where he stood. His blood ran cold. He clenched his clammy fists. Jaden looked almost panicked in response to this no doubt horrifying news.

Jaden turned back to normal. "Bye, guys! Hasta la vista and all that!" He skipped away into the burning sun-in-the-middle-of-the-sky.

"So," said Syrus, "does this mean we have more hope...or less hope?"

 

Before anyone could respond to that sentence, Barry the Beginner appeared where Jaden once stood! He even possessed his ol' ninja scroll! "Good afternoon, fellow Slifers!" he said with a salute. "I'm here to-"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," the random kids booed.

"But I-"

"Boo, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

"But I haven't even-"

"GO HOME," Syrus said.

"Rrrgh I CAN TEACH YOU THE UNLIKELY GREEN SUPLEX!!!"

The crowd turned silent. Soon murmurs of "he knows the suplex" buzzed throughout.

He slammed a green blackboard onto the grass, showing he meant business. "First things first, you must play the video game...in your mind. And then you gotta blah blah blah, and then ya blah. And then..."

A look of inspiration filled the crowd's faces.

 

Barry the Beginner clapped, giving every Red the signal to start demonstrating their skills.

Donny Dumb, one of the several non-useful Slifer Reds, took a deep breath, put his hands together into a funky shape, and uttered something. The air around him erupted into a puff of smoke, and when it cleared, the viewers noticed that he had performed the Shadow Clone Jutsu! Except all of the hundreds of thousands of clones were either horribly deformed or shriveling up on the ground. An audience applauded his efforts.

Betsy Brisket licked the palm of her hand before attempting the famed Rasengan! Bluish chakra began swirling around in her hand, manifesting itself as an energy-packed orb. Sadly the orb was quick to expand and explode, launching her body elsewhere and leaving her ripped-up hand on the ground.

Bunnyear stepped up to the plate, looking notably nervous. Before she could do her thang, Syrus ran up to her to try and stop 'er! "People, people!" He fell to his knees and screamed, "STOP the MADNESS!!"

The music was cut short, ending like a record.

"You're just going to fail miserably and die in a horrible self-inflicted accident! THINK THAT OVER, RANDOM SLIFER CITIZENS!!" The other Slifer Reds looked and talked at each other. He turned to Barry the Beginner. "How dare you subject my comrades to this kind of treatment, Barry the Beginner."

"Well, no, I never-" Some idiot Slifer launched himself into the ocean via a miscast Chidori. (Death Count +1) "...Well...we were better off without him."

 

The battlefield was already cooking...with steak sauce! In one corner, Digimon Yellow! They were armed with several advanced infantry units such as the high-movement recon cars and heavy, reliable tanks. Standard stuff (by a demented and murderous school's standards), but they claimed to have secret weapons up their sleeves...

 

In the other corner, EVA-01 Blue! Using their special AT-Field-manipulating gauntlets, they could blast any enemy back! And they, too, said they had more coming! But who-will win? WHO-WILL WIN? WHO! WILL WIIIIIN! BREAK!!

 

Baseball Bob and Fluffy Fred sat on a couple of chairs on the sidelines of a smoking, plains-turned-desert battlefield. "Woo! Go, Piggy!" Fluffy Fred cheered. "But seriously, where's Bastion?"

"Meheheh," Baseball Bob said with a shrug.

The majority of the island was ablaze with blazing hot warfare tactics. Members of the Digimon faction would shoot their AK-47s at the duelist brethren, only to have them bounce off of what seemed to be the air itself. Children were killed, strangled in the streets. No one was safe.

A bright red recon unit bounced right past them, kicking up a monstrous amount of dust and knocking them right out of their seats. Piggybank crawled out from the broken window, scraped up and mangled. But as long as she had her machine gun, she could fight! " Don't worry, largely-useless characters," Piggybank assured, "I won't let the good name of Digimon (steak sauce) go down that easily."

An ironclad, hidden-faced, probably-not-important Blue appeared to riding on air -- BUT WAIT! It was more like a pulsing mass of air in the form of a huge bird, flapping its "wings" above them! "Heh heh!" a mysterious voice said. "Got you now, heh heh! Heh, using my gun I can create - heh - an entire AT-Field BEING! Truly the finality of the evolution of all of God's creatures, heh heh!"

"Who the hell is HE?" Baseball Bob whispered to the other two kids.

"I can see through your disguise any day," Piggybank said coldly. "This one is actually quite clever. However, the distinct usage of two 'heh's in every sentence gives you away as..." She pointed dramatically at him and said, "Deep-Voice Dobbson!"

"Huuuuuuh!" He gasped and fell off of his AT-Field pet, falling to his sandy demise.

"...And to think, if Bastion was here she wouldn't be able to pull off that reasoning with such badassery," Baseball Bob said.

"People are DYING in this episode!? I gotta get outta he-uhhhhzz!" Piggybank grabbed Fluffy Fred by the shirt collar, stopping him mid-escape.

"Two things. FIrst, everyone knows Dobbson can't die," she told him. "Not at a time like this. Second, the death count hasn't gone up. Therefore, using my deduction skills, I can conclude that no important lives will be lost during this episode."

"Oh! Now I feel all better about it." Fluffy Fred got back in his seat and looked at the grotesque and twisted figure of a dead Deep-voice Dobbson. He didn't really care, though. "Hey, where's that AT-Bird?"

"Meheheh."

 

From the highest peak of the tallest, shadiest castle spire, Chazz watched the saucy battle in safety. He tapped his foot below the swivel chair, being a bit anxious. "Status report: looks like our side's winning," he said, and then he took a sip from his fancy glass of orange juice.

"Everything looks hunky-dory!" Nancy Wut said, located off to his left in an identical chair.

"All good, if you like death." Angry McArgue provided her own, slightly grim outlook.

"Uh...I don't really see which side is winning," Alexis said. "How can you possibly tell who has the upper hand!?"

"Well maybe if you came over here, you'd see it better. Hmm? HMM!?!?"

"Chazz, this is exactly why I chose to sit as far away from you as possible," she said with a sigh.

Behind them, Crowler sat thoughtfully at a desk. "Does anyone else see something missing from the battle?"

"More buckets of blood?" Nancy Wut piped in.

"Some good old dueling?" Chazz figured.

"In-line skating!" Alexis said, thinking she definitely had the correct answer.

"No, NO, you ignorant fools!" Crowler slammed her hands on the desk and stood up. "Chazz, you were very close. HOWEVER! There are only TWO corners in this steak sauce triangle!"

"So?" Chazz shrugged it off. "That just means the Slifers got themselves killed." His beverage-holding hand turned into more of a beverage-holding fist. "Serves them right for liking that poor dude sauce Kabuto." The glass shattered, sending a puddle of orange juice onto the floor. "...If you slip on that, it's your own fault!"

"No, I can feel it, son. They're biding their time."

"Just let us go home, mister!" Angry McArgue shouted, getting out of her fun-filled seat. "I'm so bored I'd rather die in a war than just sit around HERE!!"

Crowler stood up so high, she was on her tippy toes...!! "That is no way to address your elders, young lady! If you leave now you won't get that stuffed bear I promised you! I swear I'll-"

The opening of a door interrupted their feud. Everyone turned to look at their intruder...who was also Zane! He stared coldly at Crowler.

"...Well," Crowler said, starting to sweat, "I-I was just-"

He stared coldly at Crowler.

"Y-you see, we've got some important business to a-"

He stared coldly at Crowler.

"...Alright, what do you wa-" Zane took Angry McArgue by the arm and strode out the door. "...a-a...a..."

Good going, Zane, Alexis thought. I don't think I can stand Angry when she's angry.

"...Well, whatever THAT was about," Crowler huffed, and she sat back down. "Ah, well. It's Zane, so...whatever!"

"So what's the plan?" said Chazz, playing with his hair out of boredom.

"The plan i

 

Her important announcement was cut short by a scene change. The scorched sands were dyed a shade of crimson...crimson for BLOOOOOOD. Adolescent Duelists had fallen on practically every inch of land there was, bleeding for all they were worth. Death Count? No not now.

The AT-Fielders and military dudes all automatically assumed the guardians of the delinquent drink had been slaughtered already. Hoo boy. They were about to get one whammy of a surprise...

 

"SENKAIYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!"

A crazy girl ran screeching through the crowd with one heavy laser machine gun in each arm. Violent red explosions occurred, appearing and disappearing as if running after her.

From behind a small crowd of easy-to-spot bushes, Beehive Larry talked into his walkie-talkie. "Bastin', come in, Bastin'. This is Miner Forty-Niner. It appears we've spotted the first Red yet, Senkaiyoh."

NEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOW BUHSHUUUUUUUUUUUUU! A missile decimated the crowd of bushes and, somehow, left Beehive Larry shivering among an audience of ashes.

"...Over."

"Hey, you with the beehive!" Senkaiyoh pointed her smokin' barrels at him with a despicable catlike grin. "Don't you move."

"Y...y-yeah? O-or what?"

"Or I'll shoot you!"

"Oh. O-o-o-okay."

A shot flew past his ear. He tried to keep his balance. "Quit flapping your gums!" Beehive Larry nodded - but that had only sent another shot flying his way. "Or your head! OR BREATHIIIIIIIIING!!" Now she was just firing wildly! Beehive Larry's impressive ducking and dodging skills were the only things keeping him alive.

"I've had enough of this crap!" he sobbed. Beehive Larry dug into his pocket and pulled out a colorless, cheap, store-bought Digivice! "Let's Digivolve! Gargomoooooon! Use yer freakin' rabbit machine guuuuuuuns!"

As he talked the screen on the device glowed, and its light flickered around on the ground. From that light, a creature was summoned! This creature was a little green blob with a long tail and a gooey horn on its head. "Ahm Zerimon!" it said, bouncing around blissfully.

"Come on! Is this really supposed to be my secret weapon!? What a ripoff." Zerimon went on to jump into the line of fire and turn himself into an explicit, goopy mess. "Awwww."

 

Senkaiyoh's laser blaster flewout of her hand, as if someone had tackled it! "My gun!" she said, noticing her gun. Behind her, a white wolf creature with blue stripes rolled across the dusty gooey ground. "What the!?"

"You should learn how to train your Digimon, Beehive Larry," Bastion said, coming to the rescue! "But now you can't because it's dead! And Miner Forty-Niner? Are you serious!?" Behind him stood the five other Digidestined Digimon Yellows, all possessing various hairstyles.

"Better hope he wasn't serious," remarked Omega-Xis. He stared at the reader. Then he started to flail like a mad puppet. "CARE ABOUT MEEEEE!!"

"YoU cAaAaAmE fOr MeEeEeEe!" Beehive Larry weeped and fell over.

One of the random Digidestined boys shouted, "Garurumon, get back over here!" The wolf hobbled over. The boy grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, swinging him around like a weapon. "Raise your Digimon with hope and love. That's the real way to train! Oh, and friendship. Lots and lots of friendship!"

"He apparently has none," Bastion said, rubbing his chin.

"Even I can tell that you've no friendship at all!" Senkaiyoh yelled, summoning a bazooka. Then she removed two laser guns from the interior of the bazooka!

"I summon Beelzemon in Attack Mode!" the necessary single female of the team cried, holding out a prissy pink Digivice, or a small electrical device of varying shape depending on which season of the show you were watching that year. A Duel MonstersTM card appeared on the ground, with the image of a black biker dragon guy with spiky clothing and bodacious blond hair. He also had a pointy-looking mask, which definitely wasn't a good motorcycle helmet, so he should like stay off the road. Apparently Beelzemon had 2500 Attack Points. He held out a dangerous duo of guns.

"We're dueling now? Okay!" Senkaiyoh dropped her bazooka and put both guns in one hand while digging through her invisible side pocket in search of trading cards.

"Attack! Double Impact!"

BLOOP BAOW! Bullets from either gun barrel curved awkwardly in order to plug up Senkaiyoh's double laser strategy -- for good!

She stopped digging around and looked down into the gun barrels. Senkaiyoh pulled one trigger, and nothing came out. Then both at the same time. Then she quickly alternated between them. With little warning, the bullets swam out amidst a sea of red laser light-juice! Her neat blue glasses were shattered - obliterated - decimated - like, gone!

 

...Oh well! Senkaiyoh said to herself. She punched one of the guns. ALL OF THEM INSTANTLY EXPLODED INTO A BUNCH OF BITE-SIZED PIECES in preparation for a change of plan.

"I've never seen her without those glasses," Bastion marvelled.

"We sure did get her good!" Beehive Larry said, cheering up. "Looks like she's giving up, getting all angry and stuff!"

"Pishawwww. It wasn't YOU who done it," a Digidestinedboy said scornfully. "It was Jilly Belly over there."

"You should just, y'know, get out of here," the girl named Jilly Belly said.

"Let me deal the final blow!" Garurumon Boy said, whirling the wolf above his head a couple of times. "Lupine Blast!" He threw the Digimon as if it were a bowling ball!

"Yyyyoh!" Senkaiyoh threw a small crumb-sized portion of her laser gun. The impact tossed Garurumon way back into the island's resident volcano, even making a visible indentation in the rock! She rubbed the dust off of her hands confidently.

Six Digidestineds stared at each other.

"What, nobody knew she was really overpowered?" Bastion said.

"I thought it would go away with the glasses," Garurumon Boy said.

"Well, you were horribly wrong! Senkaiyoh Crumbshot!" Several super-ultra-powerful shards scattered like a spread maneuver!

"Brace yourselves!" Bastion stepped back and lifted his yellow Digivice with an Omega-Xis mouth...!

 

MEANWHILE, AT A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SECTION OF THE BATTLEFIELD...

Two indistinct EVA Blues with visors covering their eyes stood behind a wall, laughing like real punks in the near darkness. "Hyuk nyuk hyuk nyuk hyuk," the boys cackled.

"Hey, Madison," one said in a nasally voice, "bring up the status report on Secret Weapon One."

"Gotcha," the other said in a tone near-indistinguishable from the other guy's. He held up his wrist and commanded, "AT-Field Computer, on!" A pulsing red screen appeared above the wristwatch-like device.

 

SECRET_WEAPON_ONE

95%_COMPLETE

 

"Perfect," Madison said. "AT-Fields can be used for anything these days!"

"Hyuknyukhyuknyukhyuknyukhyuknyuk!"

On the other side of the wall, Piggybank waited with a hefty gun in her hand. When is a good time to strike? Well, maybe since they've been laughing for a good ten seconds I should strike while I have the chance.

Piggybank leaped out with her gun blazing! "Take this! For saaaaaaawce!" she cried.

The bullets merely bounced off of their convenient AT-Field wrist-projections! "You foolish Digimon Yellows underestimate us!" Nameless laughed! "Your tools are-GACK!" A mysterious stranger got him with a chokehold! Various other shady assailants started wailing on Madison, finishing him off with a drop kick to the FACE!!

"...Beginner Barry?" Piggybank said, almot dropping her weapon in surprise.

"That's Barry the Beginner! Is that so hard to remember? Now get the hell out of here, before we take you out with them!"

"Eee!" She ran off in a prissy, wimpy fashion. Well, least she didn't drop her weapon!

"Starting with the Blues' stronghold..." Syrus said to Barry the Beginner. "We're really taking a chance here, aren't we?"

Mann McOldsmobile ripped the AT-wristwatch right off of Nameless's arm. It crackled with the power of electricity. He sloppily applied it to his own arm, but it slipped out of place and fell somewhere on the ground. "Looks like they're not much use to us like this," he said with a sigh. "Everyone, move out!"

Some AT-Guards, man-shaped figures taking the form of pulsing black air, came around the corner! "INTRUDER ALERT," they moaned in zombie-like voices. "SYSTEM ENGAGE."

"WHAT!?" Syrus refused to fight such atrocities.

"Bunnyear, drop-kick from behind! Donny Dumb, get them in a chokehold! Mann McOldsmobile, do your thing! Everyone else covers everyone else!" Barry the Beginner directed.

"Is this ALWAYS going to be your strategy?!" Syrus wondered.

"Nope, not after it stops becoming useful!"

"D'awwww..."

Regardless, the near-invisible creatures were both stopped in one fell swoop by Mann McOldsmobile's choking hands. The strange life-forms collapsed onto the ground in two hard-to-avoid heaps. "And that was the two-hand chokester tactic," Mann McOldsmobile commented. "Learn from it!"

 

Crowler's eye twitched.

"No...something's wrong! Something's definitely wrong here!"

"What? What is it?" Alexis asked.

''I sense a Slifer." Its eyebrow wiggled. "No, more. There's the whole lot of them! Practically the whole dorm is alive!"

"So you want us to kill them all, ma'am?" Nancy Wut guessed.

"Yes! Well, no, actually, just...Jaden Yuki. But the more Reds gone, the better." It leaned forward and looked out the window. "They're still not deployed?"

"Nope!"

"Dammit!" it cursed.

 

Barry the Beginner and his band of merry men appeared int he most iconic section of the building: the Duel Dome. Light shined in from the big glass panel above, illuminating but a path of ruin. The field had been ripped practically in two, and spectators had nowhere to sit. The air was pulsating with the madness of a million AT-Beings.

"Whatever you do," Barry the Beginner whispered, "stay toge-"

"BERSEEEEERK!!" Donny Dumb ripped his shirt off and charged directly into the fray! He did some random karate moves and, miraculously, started hitting stuff! You could just hear the stock screams and punching sounds fill the air.

All but a few Slifers joined in, following the suddenly-woven pattern of battle-driven anarchy. They chokeholded, they drop-kicked, they double-choke kicked, they backhand-straight-jabbed. Raging phoenixes and wolverines came for them, but the force of their moves was too mighty for the transparent beasts to handle.

"AAAAAAAARGH what the hell are you guys DOING!?!?" Barry the Beginner screamed so hard, his throat ached.

"I hate to say it, but they're doing a good job," Bunnyear said as she watched the fight. "Although I can't tell if they're winning or not."

"They were under your control until now," Syrus noticed.

"Yes," Barry the Beginner admitted. "By attaching their Unlikely Green Suplexes to my own presence, I had them attacking others at my whim. But by now they've figured it out. The secret to using the cheat code...is to believe in yourself-"

"NO!!! No! Just no! That's stupid and I've heard it a million times!"

"Oh, you have? Well, then! .....I have no idea."

Syrus's hair shook around some.

Eventually the funny sound effects stopped. Kabuto Reds were flailing around randomly, hoping to hit something fresh and different...but it was not to be. For indeed, they had won! "That's it!" Mann McOldsmobile said. He turned to Barry the Beginner. "You said we'd never do it."

"That's not true!" His fists clenched in defiance.

"You SAWK," a Slifer screeched. "We don't NEED your help if you keep DISSING us folks."

"I NEVER said that!"

"I say we BEAT-HIM-UUUUUUUUUUUP!!" Donny Dumb roared, pumping his pitchfork-holding fist!

"YEEEEEEEEEEEH!!"

"Now, hold on!" Bunnyear stepped in front of Barry the Beginner.

"Yeah, well, I say we don't," Mann McOldsmobile said.

"Huh?" the Reds said, tilting their heads.

"I say we toss him outside so the Blues and the Yellows can get him themselves!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEH!!"

"Why would you do an idiotic thing like that!?" Syrus said, his hair flipping around as if having a seizure! "You're making my hair do all sorts of crazy!" In response, they shrugged. "We should keep him in the team. Maybe not as the leader, but as, you know, a regular comrade?" They blinked. "...Fine, do whatever you want with him."

"YEEEEEEEEEEEH!!"

 

RIIIIING RIIIIING

"Mommy!" Chazz dug a cell phone out from his pocket. "It's a phone call from...her!"

"Her?" Alexis said, confused.

"Her," Nancy Wut said with a nod.

Crowler smiled a despicable smile. "Her!"

 

All across the island, members of the EVA Blue faction looked at their AT-Screens.

 

SECRET_WEAPON_ONE

100%_COMPLETE

 

"Wha..." A visor-wearing Blue gal stared at her screen in sheer child-like amazement.

"The time has come, I reckon," Billy Hills said, sitting at a desk located somewhere in the schoolhouse. The whole area was dark except for the blinking lights of his desk. "Reckon I had better press this here button - launch!" His fist broke through the "BREAK IN CASE OF EMERGENCY" case, allowing his bloodied hand to strike the big red button within!

Far, far below was a near-bottomless, empty abyss. Two rickety lifts could be heard slowly, slowly lifting something up. It was a big humanoid robot-or-something. It was blue...shiny...and really freakin' huge. It was EVA-00.

 

"Wait..." Alexis started to connect the dots. "EVA-01 steak sauce...her...secret weapon...AT-Fields..." She looked several feet to her left. "You don't mean..."

"MUTHA-TRUCKIN' AYANAMI REI!!" everyone shouted.

"Not Shinji? Oh, so close..."

 

 

 

Second half, even though it is literally RIGHT down there, just in case :P ...

[Yankee]

Kay, I'ma say sorry I've been gone Dx

[Weather Report - Stand]

Yay, now TWO people say stuff now! I've also prodded KFish into writing more, so expect the chapter to end later this week and a new chapter up on Saturday.

 

Heh, I'm on the one where Zane goes evil and stuff.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Whatever they were trying to do with this episode, it didn't work.

 

[spoiler=Episode 69: A Greater Porpoise]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. The Fan Fic

Episode 69: More Irritating Characters Appear

 

Syrus was running around the Slifer Toolshed to some hilarious guitar solos. “JaAaAaAdEeEeEn!!” he wailed, looking into a trash can. “Where ARE yooooou?!?!” he asked, looking under a rock. “We all KNOW I can’t do ANYTHING by MYSELF!!” he reminded, checking under Koala Ko Ala. “Ugh, I’ve been looking for Jaden for three days straight! Given my obsessive-compulsive nature and freakish overstatements made on a periodic basis, I’m going to kill myself looking for him and everybody will laugh at me because they still think I’m gay from a few days ago! It’s not fair.”

“Aw, you’re just confused!” Senkaiyoh assured as she broke through the ground.

“I AIN’T GAY!”

“Aw, you’re taking on his speech patterns!” Senkaiyoh noticed.

“Don’t you have anything better to do right now?” Syrus inquired. “Like killing people?”

“Aw, I don’t do that SOME of the time!” Senkaiyoh explained.

“Don’t sweat it, Sy,” Mann McOldsmobile assured as he walked over with Hassleberry, “we ALL know that’s not your ONLY trait. I get the robot thing a lot if only because that’s what the author thinks we all think of me.”

“I don’t feel better.”

“Aw, you’re on your way, kid!” Senkaiyoh supported.

 

“Anyways,” Hassleberry reckoned, “if Jay left on a boat, then why’d he be in a trash can?”

“Because,” Syrus stressed, “the seabirds found him in a boat and ate him, then they decided not to litter all over the ocean like we ugly humans do, stole our trash can, threw his remains in, and left it for us to pick up the pieces as they laughed all the way to the bank!”

“Someone help him NOW.”

“I’ll try?” Alexis wondered as she approached with Nancy Wut and Atticus in tow. “What’s up? He’s still looking?”

“Yeah,” Syrus sighed, “I’m such an idiot that I can’t even stop looking for a person who left in a boat.”

“Don’t worry,” Nancy Wut assured, “because Atticus and I are living in Alexishouse now!”

“That don’t help.”

“Make sense more,” Atticus demanded. “But let’s think about this clearly. Judging by how things go, Jaden will likely re-appear when we’re coming to some tough times or some hard climbs.”

“So then we can take ‘em on together?” Senkaiyoh supposed.

“Exactly!”

“YAY!!”

“So don’t sweat the small stuff, kiddo,” Atticus concluded.

“But this ISN’T the small stuff! Our main character got ate up by seabirds and is IN THIS TRASH CAN RIGHT NOW!!” Syrus kicked the nearby trash receptacle over. He held up a fishbone and a rotten banana peel.“WE CAN STILL RECONSTRUCT HIM!!”

“… Let’s leave’m,” Mann McOldsmobile decided.

“Yeah. He’ll give up in a week,” Hassleberry thought. “Who wants Sammiches? I’m buyin’!” He held out $-12 Duel Bucks.

“Those are negative twelve Duel Bucks.”

Hassleberry could only smile and snap his fingers, saying “Dang old gags!”

“HA HA HA HA HA…” they all laughed.

 

Everybody left Syrus digging around in the trash, because it was all they could do. “My friends don’t even care about Jaden,” he told himself. “That’s just heartless… I can’t understand! Why don’t they care?! And what happened to my genre-savviness?!”

“Hey,” called a one.

“Eh?” Syrus looked toward the one. The one here was Stephen Boyd.

“Cookie?” He handed Syrus a cookie filled with far too much chocolate.

“Thanks,” Syrus received warmly. He took a bite. Chocolate burst forth and covered his face.

“So what’s up, kid who’s apparently named Syrus?” Stephen Boyd asked. “You seem kinda… down. And you’re looking through trash.”

“Jaden’s gone and nobody wants to help me find him,” Syrus complained. “It feels like nobody else cares about him besides me which also flares up my fear in being mistaken for homosexual.”

“You’re weird,” Stephen Boyd realized.

“Aw.”

“But rest assured,” the Headmaster told, placing his hand upon his chocolaty head, “he will be back. I know it.”

“That’s creepy,” Syrus said, “but thanks. I guess that makes me feel slightly better in a way.”

“Ha!” Stephen Boyd laughed audibly. “You’re one funny kid!”

“But I was serious.”

“Oh. Well… everything’s going to happen the way it should.” Stephen Boyd turned and prepared to leave. “You can’t fight fate, after all.” He took two steps and slipped on some old discarded diapers. He fell on his head, then bounced off and into the ocean.

“AAAHHH!!! TEACHEEER!!”

 

Stephen Boyd appeared behind Syrus. “Why the hell are there diapers on this island?” he wondered vengefully.

“Oh, it was dinner on episode twenty how did you do that?”

“Uh… look!” Stephen Boyd pointed to a Psychic Snail. It waved back.

“Oh neato!” Syrus gasped. Stephen Boyd disappeared. “Wait… NOOO, DISTRACTED BY THE SHINY!!” Syrus fell face-down into a pile of discarded Sammich paper.

“Wait,” Syrus’ hair told him, “did you notice something strange there?”

“The snail?”

“No! Something much more important!” Syrus’ hair declared! “The strange thing is… WHY ARE THERE FULL DIAPERS ON THIS ISLAND?!”

“…”

 

“Hmph, dish ain’t sho tuff, I’ve eaten bigger babies ‘den you fer BREAKFASHT!” huffed the Duel Giant.

“…” Syrus shivered with queasiness.

“But seriously Jaden’s going to be okay, alright?”

“Okay.” Syrus put some Sammich paper over his torso and fell asleep, with chocolate dripping all the way.

 

MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE HALL OF JUSTICE…

Sartorius had just returned home after flying all the way to a random Japanese island from the North Pole. He sat at his table and shuffled his large pile of Jo Jo’s Bizarre Adventure Tarot Cards. “What shall I pick up next?” He suddenly dropped a card onto the ground. “Oh no!” he gasped. The card… from where he sat… had fallen diagonally and landed on its corner. “My my my… the cards aren’t supposed to fall that way!” He picked the card up. It was a card featuring a freakish grim reaper figure with a clown mask for a face next to a smiling baby with a man’s head. Such… odd illustrations! Sartorius mental-cried. And yet… how should I call this? It fell and landed in a freakish diagonal fashion, so I can’t really say it’s up or down, since you can’t have up going sideways! That won’t work! Maybe I should flip for it! He put the card on his thumb and flipped it like a coin. It fell apart into two halves. One fell upright while the other fell downward.

 

“…..FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuu…uh?” He understood that this was incredibly stupid and got over it. “Let’s speak to ourselves clearly about this one. Okay… Death signifies a deep change in your physical or mental state. It can also signify sadness in the near-future, or at the very least a big change in daily life. So… Jaden’s going to die! That decides it. NO!!” He slapped himself in the face. “That’s not a satisfying conclusion! We’re supposed to draw this all out as far as we can! Maybe… a deep change! The Light takes Jaden into outer space where he finds an alien robot from Planet Arcana Force and he gets those cards from that thing from then!”

 

Sartorius leaped onto his table in celebration! YES!! he roared on the inside, taking on the ultimate victory pose! I CAN PREDICT ANYTHING!!

 

MEANWHILE AT NIGHT…

It was night on the ocean, and Jaden was on a boat and bored at the same time. “Those two things seriously don’t mix, yo,” he yawned. “I should up’n be like ‘awwww sheet stuff just got real cuz i am on a boat’ but it gets old after the first three hungry-thirsty days of no food-water. Damn, the words are already mixing together!” He flipped onto his back and stared up at the stars. “Eeeeeeh, let’s try and fall asleep, so that when I die, I’m asleep! It sounds frickin’ foolproof, bro.”

“OOH,” Winged Kuriboh ‘ooh’-ed. Jaden shot him with his lucky random pistol.

“Dude, even if I can’t see cardstuff, I can still choose to hate you,” Jaden groaned. But suddenly something flew across the sky. A brilliant light cruised through the ocean we like to call not-earth. “Gasp! A shooting star!” Jaden gasped! “If you see a shooting star, shoot it back!” He defensively shot two bullets at it. The light responded by twisting around in a loop-de-loop pattern and aimed itself right atop Jaden. “Uuuh, uuuuh… DDDIIIIIIIEEEEEE?” Jaden suggested, firing three more times. With no other options, he threw the gun at the light specter and began rowing away in a pathetic manner. “I’M TOO STEREOTYPICAL TO GET MURDERED, YO!!” The light smashed Jaden’s boat and absorbed him.

 

“GAAAAAAAAAAHHHH hey memories.” He began to remember stuff within a void of random color. He inhaled the images of opponents of Christmases Past; Aster Phoenix with his Destiny Hero Dudes, Hassleberry and the Dinosaurs of ping-ponging quality, Kagemaru with all his broken glory, Zane riding his magnificent Cyber Eltanin, Professor Banner twisting space with Helios Trice Megistus, Atticus consumed by his evil domino mask, Chazz Princeton in possession of his giant Armed Dragon laser beams, ect, ect, ect. The images continued to regress. He reminisced upon his time at the entrance Duel against good ol’ Ms. C-Rowler, he recalled those three kids he’d apparently known all his life and yet couldn’t name for the fate of the universe, and he remembered that time when he made some Duel Monsters cards himself. He also remembered why he did it.

 

Jaden flew out through the light and into outer space, where he landed on Europa, one of Jupiter’s moons.

 

I suppose the sand on that moon is really soft, because he landed on it without so much as a bruise after flying several hundred thousand miles in a few seconds. There was also a nice palm tree grove and an ocean filled with six dolphins. “Stop…” Jaden murmured, gripping his head with dreadful anticipation! “STOP! I DON’T WANT TO GO ANY FURTHER! IT WAS SO HARD TO FORGET IT THE FIRST TIME! AAAAHHHH!!!” Somebody slapped his face. “OW! Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it, young one,” said a humanoid bipedal dolphin. “Let us just save that issue for season three, alright?”

“DA…………..” Jaden fainted. The dolphin slapped him again. “NEOSPACIANAQUADOLPHINWHATTHEHELLISTHIS?!?!”

“Oh don’t worry my good man,” the dolphin man told, “you’re not tripping on acid, or whatever the young folks call it these days.”

“But seriously, yo, why are you a dolphin guy that talks and why is Jupiter on the horizon and why can I breathe?”

“Because this is an excuse to give you a power-up!” the dolphin guy stated. “And on the contrary, how could we give you this IMPORTANT EXPOSITION?”

“Important exposition?” Jaden asked. “Why don’t you jus’ tell me what I asked you about instead of telling me the useless stuff? And besides, when do we get to ‘da part where I tell the audience who you are and why?”

“Just one moment, please,” the dolphin apologize-asked. He cleared his throat.

 

“Since the beginning of time, there have always been opposites raging against each other! Fire and water! Earth and sky! And especially darkness and light! And as of late, there is a group that is destroying the dark and increasing the light! And if they succeed at destroying all the darkness, do you know what will happen? YES, THE LIGHT WILL GET INTO ALL OF OUR EYES AND WE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SEE VERY WELL!!” Jaden frowned. “These people all seem to believe that if that happens, we can counteract that with sunglasses, but no! They will all be destroyed with the rest of the darkness!”

“So… the darkness counts as everything with dark colors?” Jaden wondered. “That’s whack.”

“No, do you understand?” the dolphmanhybrid checked. “Jaden, my boy, darkness is not just a tool of illusion and evil. It’s also the balance we all have with… things that are light. You understand?”

“… Are you really a smart guy?”

“No, but my accent and demeanor state hint otherwise. Now look alive, because I smell plot developments afoot.” The dolphin pointed at the opposite side of the beach, where a traditional-style UFO landed. Its top flipped open like a trash bin, not unlike the one from earlier. Smoke poured forth in a lame and uninteresting manner. And what could float out of it but a lame robot that looked somewhat like Sartorius’ monsters? Incidentally, that’s what happened.

“BO HO HA HA HA HA!!” The robot laughed maniacally as it waved its limbs to and fro! “WHO IS THE ONE WHO HAS THE NAME OF JADEN YUKI FROM WHEN HE WAS BIRTHED?!”

“Go on out there and do something! I believe in you!” the dolphin ordered, pushing Jaden forth a couple of steps. “All you have to do is get your game on!”

“BOO,” someone said as they floated through the universe.

“Yo man from the past who is a dolphin!” Jaden barked! “Don’t be shovin’ me all at the ‘bot from some dumb robot planet!” Then his foot brushed against something metallic, round, and spaceshuttleish. “Oh crap it’s a space ball from my past that was never hinted to in any way shape or form yo.” Jaden opened up the capsule, which read ‘Kaiba Co. Space Program: Because We Just Can’ on its side. From inside that was a small lemon-shaped capsule. He unscrewed one half off and pulled out a rectangle wrapped in cloth. He unraveled it and unveiled a small box. He opened the box and pulled out another box. Then he pulled out another wrapped-up rectangle. Unwrapping that, he found another space probe. “Aw darn it.” Jaden kicked it open. It blew open with a metal groaning and spat out a deck of forty Duel Monsters cards.

 

“… OH MY GOSH I KNOW WHAT THIS RANDOM CRAP IS!” Jaden shouted! “AGAIN!”

“Don’t explain it yet!” the dolph’ cried. “We have to hold off until the source material did it!”

“But I already know what’s going on here!” Jaden whined. “It just don’t make sense is all! How do yo expect me to understand how somebody was able to guess this plot outta the blue with fortune-telling cards?”

“You’re slowing the tempo! Just go!” The blue guy kicked Jaden, sending him across the beach and toward the stationary robot, who had been building a sand castle the main character just HAPPENED to have flown into.

 

“Darn kickin’ dolphs’…” Jaden grumbled, shaking the alabaster grains off of his head. “Uh, don’t take it personally, I just got kicked into…”

The robot twitched and belched sparks! He blew a fuse and shot a screw! His eyes turned white with rage and his body caught aflame! “YOU… RUINED… MY… MASTERPIIIIIIEEEEEECEEEE!!”

“Yo, I can help yo make a new one, yo know,” Jaden offered, holding out his hand. The robot slapped it. “OW!!”

“YOU HAVE AWAKENED THE ANGER OF ARCANA FORCE RANK NUMBER XVI: FLAMIN’ TOWER JOHNSON!!” Flamin’ Tower Johnson roared! “PREPARE TO DIE BY DUELING!!” He held forth his roboty arm and grew a Duel Disk.

“Uh, okay,” Jaden muttered, walking a fair distance away. “I guess… let’s get yo’ game on?” He held out his own hand and it was struck by lightning. “AAAAhjAHHAHAHAKHDIOEIWHDLKEDOPHIO!LK!!” he shrieked in apparent pain! As the electricity subsided, it was revealed to all that he was wearing a brand new Duel Disk! “Weird. And hurty.”

“NO MORE WORDS!!” the robot Flamin’ Tower Johnson demanded. “FOR NOW, WE MUST DUEL!” (Flamin’ Tower Johnson: 4000 Life Points, Jaden: 4000 Life Points)

 

Flamin’ Tower Johnson drew six spacecards out from his Duel Disk arm and immediately set one of them. “I SET ONE CARD AND SUMMON THE D.D. SURVIVOR. NOW DESPAIR, MAGICAL CHILD OF DESTINY, AND WEEP AT MY CARDS.” The spacecard appeared as a spacehologram. Next to the spacehologram came a mysterious, dusty man with robotic limbs peeking through his ruined robes. He fell over.

“w…wat…er…” he pleaded weakly. (D.D. Survivor: 1800 Attack Points)

“He’s not much of a survivor.”

“PLEASE, YOUR HUMAN HUMOR IS SO DROLL! BEGIN YOUR SPACETRAINWRECK OF A TURN SO I MAY DO THINGS.”

“Hmph.” Jaden picked up a card. “NOW may I tell the audience what’s goin’ down?”

“Sure, be my guest,” the dolphin allowed.

“Thanks, NEO-SPACIAN AQUA DOLPHIN!!”

“Oh you,” Neo-Spacian Aqua Dolphin said, blushing.

 

“See that pod over there?” Jaden asked, pointing to the mess of containers lying across the spaceseashore.

“ERM, YES?” Flamin’ Tower Johnson told.

“Y’know, KaibaCorp sent that thing out when I was seven,” Jaden told. “I got a story to tell y’all ‘bout it.”

 

Nine years ago, Kaiba had released a special commercial, filmed in front of a cheesy space picture with Jupiter on it. Young Mokuba stood off to the side and tried to look cool, failing disappointingly obviously. “Attention all Duelists,” Kaiba invited through the camera, “want to do something FLASHY and USELESS? Well then have I got something for you sorry fools. I am holding a worldwide competition here to make some cards and I ain’t taking ‘this is stupid’ for an answer. Just send me some card ideas! I don’t care how freaking stupid they are. If I like ‘em, I’ll produce a deck for you alright, and then I’M SHOOTING THEM INTO OUTER-STINKIN’ SPACE IN A SATELLITE. I can’t tell you I wasn’t drunk when I thought this up, but I can tell you this: if there’s intelligent life out there, we’re going to give them your cards in hopes that either they fear us and decide against invasion, they learn that we can Duel too and host a big tournament and invite me, or they’ll be so inspired that they’ll use them to build their own society! It’s BOUND to happen! MWEH-HEH HEH, BWAAAA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!”

 

People all over the world saw this commercial upon all the jumbotrons, all the large screens, an on every other kind of information media imaginable. “AHH!” some man screamed as he threw away his talking newspaper. And yet, besides that, nobody really seemed to think anybody thought this through. So they ignored it.

 

“I hope this works,” younger Jaden wrapped in some randomly-spaced bandages hoped, putting several terrible crayon drawings and a card that was ripped in half into an envelope. Attached to the ripped card was a note, reading: ‘Mister Kaiba sir, this is a bad card so send it into space please. It’s mean to me.’

 

“Well why the hell not?” drunk-Kaiba decided, sending forty-one cards into space in a satellite. The end.

 

“Aqua Dolphin, do yo thing,” Jaden ordered.

“Yes sir!” he complied! “Come on out, guys!” He snapped his dolphingers and summoned five other dolphins from the ocean. Only they weren’t dolphins… they were five animal/organisms wearing dolphin fins on their heads! “ROLL CALL, PEOPLE!!” Aqua Dolphin shouted!

A man-like beetle with black Hercules beetle armor stepped up first. “EEEEEEEY,” he greeted, holding out the ‘ROCK ON’ sign or whatever with both hands, “WAZZUP, DUDES? I’m Neo-Spacian Flare Scarab! Yeahahaheah, righteously bodacious, man! Chah!”

“You’re so rad, yo!” Jaden gasped!

A cool mole with a drill-collar spoke up next. “Howdy pardner, m’name’s Neo-Spacian Grand Mole! I tell you what, I’m gonna try my hardest t’protect the ranch!”

“There’s no ranch, but thanks yo!”

A red hummingbird manimal fell over. He was quite scruffy and sported a dirty beard. “MNmnmnmn,” he grumbled, “mn... Got any change?” He belched.

“Aw, good ol’ Air Hummingbird! You’re just how I imagined you!”

“Yowza yowza,” a panther with a cape dug, “Neo-Spacian Dark Panther diggin’ the scene! Outta sight!”

“Oh man, what a beatnik!”

“’Ey,” demanded a feminine-sounding human-shaped blob of mold, “I’m Neo-Spacian Glow Moss, an’ I’m gonna make an offer ya can’t refuse… tee hee!”

“Woah! I totally pictured you right! You ARE a gangster!” Jaden cried! “I’m so glad I watched those The Godfather spoofs!

 

“You’re… totally the cards I made way back then!” he celebrated! “It’s like a dream! Except for you.” He stared at a weird lion-flower hybrid. “You’re lame. Sorry. I have to summon you first.”

“LET’S GOOOO!!” the monsters shouted! They swirled into energy and left their fake fins behind, flying into Jaden’s Duel Disk and filling it with Neo-Spacian power!! He took one good look at his cards and played a monster. “Told you I was playin’ Dandylion first!” The lionplant appeared. It sneezed. (Dandylion: 300 Defense Points) “Next I throw down two face-downs and end my turn!” Two face-down cards appeared.

“BOO,” someone said.

“Try and beat me, space-guy! I dare you!” Jaden dared. “I got the power of NEO-SPACE on mah side!”

“WELL I AM A FLAMING ROBOT SO THERE,” Flamin’ Tower Johnson said, crossing his flaming arms. “YOU AREN’T SO SPECIAL. I’LL ACTIVATE MY FACE-DOWN CARD.” Macro Cosmos appeared! Yes, that card you forgot from chapter 48 or something! The Trap of a man with the earth in his chest activated, causing no field-effects whatsoever. “I DON’T REALLY CHOOSE TO SUMMON ANY MONSTER WITH ITS EFFECT, BUT I CAN STILL REMOVE EVERY CARD FROM PLAY WHEN IT’S DESTROYED. AND THEN I PLAY THREE COPIES OF SOUL ABSORPTION.” Three Spells appeared and showcased a man going crazy with power by getting rammed in the back by souls! “NOW WHEN A CARD IS REMOVED FROM PLAY, I GAIN FIVE-HUNDRED LIFE POINTS FOR EACH SOUL RELEASE.”

“Oh boy,” Jaden inhaled, “this is gonna be a good one.”

“SHUT YOUR TEETH!! I SUMMON D.D.WARRIOR LADY!” A lady warrior in leather appeared and swung around short laser sword! (D.D. Warrior Lady: 1500 Attack Points) “WARRIOR LADY ATTACKS DANDYLION! WARRIORIC LADY STRIKE DIMENSION!!” The warrior lady jumped into the 3.5th dimension and sliced Dandylion in half as she jumped out behind him.

“ATSCHOOO!!” the flower wheezed, sneezing a massive amount of dandelion seeds as he died. She walked back onto the opposite side of the field wearing the seeds, as if she didn’t notice them in any way, leaving two behind for Jaden’s field. The first new face-down revealed itself.

“Thanks for the attacks, yo!” thanked Jaden. “Now I get to play Neo Signal!” The card revealed to all a puffy N-shaped cloud hovering over a horizon. “First off, let’s handle N-Signal. You kill one of my monsters, I get to summon a Neo-Spacian from my deck. Badda-bing, badda-Neo-Spacian Grand Mole.” The cotton candy-like cloud drifted onto the field, beckoning Flamin’ Tower Johnson to stroke it.

“Look but don’t touch, ya varmint!” Grand Mole shouted, bursting out from the mist! He fell into the ground and dug his way onto his anointed space by turning the drill-collar he wore into a fully-functioning drill hat. (Grand Mole: 900 Attack Points) The puffy cloud’s remains were somehow sucked into the Flamin’ Tower Johnson’s body, garnering him superenergy. (Flamin’ Tower Johnson: 4000 -> 5500 Life Points)

 

“NOW SURVIVOR, DANCE ATTACK!!” Flamin’ Tower Johnson ordered!

“…” The D.D. Survivor slowly shambled onto his feet and stood as if he were about to collapse. But then he looked up in a flash and composed himself. He held one finger upward and took on the pose of a disco-point. A disco ball appeared. “I WILL SURVIVE!!” he sang to some blaring music.

“I don’t THANK so, bud!” Grand Mole denied! He leaped at D.D. Survivor, grabbed him by the collar, and dug underground. They didn’t come back up.

“When Grand Mole battles, he can send both monsters back into the owners’ hands,” Jaden said. “Plus, because you declared an attack, I get to play A Hero Emerges!” Jaden held out his hand.

“UM… THE ONE THAT WILL OBVIOUSLY BE A MONSTER.”

“YAMMA!!” shouted Air Hummingbird as he exploded onto the scene! (Neo-Spacian Air Hummingbird: 800 Attack Points) He flew out of the Trap card and punched Flamin’ Tower Johnson in the robot face! (Flamin’ Tower Johnson: 5500 -> 7000 Life Points)

“Now I play Air Hummingbird’s special ability!” Jaden announced! I gain Life Points equal to the number of cards in your hand times five-hundred!” Air Hummingbird stole some loose change from Flamin’ Tower Johnson’s invisible side-pocket. He ate it. (Jaden: 4000 -> 4500 Life Points)

“NOOOO, I NEED THAT TO GET HOME ON THE BUS!!” Flamin’ Tower Johnson screamed!

 

“Now I’ll ignore your pleas for help and play Neo-Spacian Glow Moss!” Jaden decided! The mossy buddy from earlier appeared, smoking a large cigar and sporting a toothy grin.

“Want me to off this guy?” Glow Moss asked. (Glow Moss: 900 Defense Points)

“Nah, all I need is a SPACE GIFT!!” Another Spell summoned a blue box decorated with a red ribbon! He caught it, opened it and took out two cards! “I get to draw one card for each Neo-Spacian I control! And after that I’m settin’ a card and callin’ it a turn!” (Flamin’ Tower Johnson: 7000 -> 8500 Life Points)

“HOW FAR ARE YOU GOING TO BOOST MY LIFE POINTS?” Flamin’ Tower Johnson laughed. “I SHALL SUMMON MY D.D. SURVIVOR AGAIN AND MY WARRIOR LADY WILL ATTACK THE GLOW MOSS!” D.D. Survivor’s withered body fell from above and the Warrior Lady kicked him at the mossy foe!

“Glow Moss, use your effect!” Jaden demanded!

“Got it, boss!” she giggled. She flew around the man-missile and gave Flamin’ Tower Johnson a card. “Take it. We won’t give ya any more trouble.” She winked and smiled. Flamin’ Tower Johnson looked at the card: D.D. Crazy Beast. It was a crazy beast of no note.

“OKAY,” Flamin’ Tower Johnson accepted.

“SUCKER!!” Glow Moss shouted, slapping his face! “WHEN YOU ATTACK ME, YOU DRAW A CARD AND THEN IF IT’S A MONSTER YOU HAVE TO END YOUR BATTLE PHASE!”

“NOOOOOOO!!” Flamin’ Tower Johnson screamed! “WELL THEN, I GUESS MY TURN ENDS.”

 

Jaden drew a card. Air Hummingbird stole more money. (Jaden: 4500 -> 5000 Life Points) Woah, I finally drew him, Jaden realized. I drew my new signature Hero!“It’s time!” he called. “I tribute my two dandylion token things for a new monster! A new Hero!” Something rose from the depths of the ocean. “I summon Elemental Hero Neos!!” A white-clad muscular hero with a round horn accented with blue and red symbols leaped onto the field and into the fray, discarding his fake dolphin fin. He stared at the robot. The robot stared back in shock.

“Mmfmffm,” he said, for his mouth was covered. (Neos: 2500 Attack Points)

“THAT CARD… IS WEIRD.”

“He’s about to get weirder now that I combine him with AIR HUMMINGBIRD!!” Jaden announced! “TAKE IT AWAY, NEOS!!” Neos picked up Air Hummingbird and put him onto his chest. He was disgustingly absorbed through a magic heroic gemstone.

“AH YA KIDS N YER watevermmm,” Air Hummingbird protested.

“MMMMMM!!!” shouted Neos, flexing his arms with superenergy! His suit turned red and aerodynamically designed! Twin wings grew out from his shoulder blades! He was… RED. (Elemental Hero Air Neos: 2500 Attack Points)

“WOAH, THAT IS FREAKY,” Flamin’ Tower Johnson said.

“You see, that there was a Contact Fusion!” Jaden explained. “I can send a Neo-Spacian and Neos back into my deck in order to summon a Fusion from my Extra Deck. The only downside is that at the End Phase of my turn, he gets sent back to the deck, but that don’t matter.”

“BUT IT DOES.”

 

“Not after I activate Neo Space!” Jaden announced, turning the field into an amazing space assortment of flickering lights and sounds! Giant space sunfish flew about with alien horrors. “With this, my Neos Fusions can’t be sent away by their own effects!”

“OH.”

“Also my Neos gains five-hundred Attack Points!”

“OKAY.” Air Neos felt serene within his OWN different dimension, and thus, grew STRONG. (Air Neos: 3000 Attack Points)

“And then I’ll play Common Soul!” Some weird blue orb began circling Air Neos like a playful mutant firefly. “This one lets me summon a Neo-Spacian from my hand and add his power onto Neos! Come on out, Flare Scarab!” Neo-Spacian Flare Scarab rode out from the orb on a flame-patterned skateboard!

“YEAAAAAH!!” he shouted, sticking his tongue out like a real punk! (Flare Scarab: 500 + 400 x each Spell and Trap card = 500 + (400 x 5) = 2500 Attack Points) Air Neos felt his rockin’ personality resonating within. (Air Neos: 3000 -> 5500 Attack Points)

 

“WAIT, THE MATH DOESN’T WORK OUT.”

“I play Mystical Space Typhoon to knock out your Macro Cosmos!” Air Neos threw a storm at the Trap. They both imploded into the next dimension.

“OH CRAP,” Flamin’ Tower Johnson gulped. (Flamin’ Tower Johnson: 8500 -> 11500 Life Points) “THAT IS SO AWESOME. I BROKE TEN-THOUSAND LIFE POINTS! THANKS!”

“Nah, that’s what I was hopin’ for,” Jaden said. “Air Neos’ effect activates. He gains Attack Points equal to the difference between our Life Points. Meaning…” Air Neos’ pockets began to expand. They burst, sending money flying all over Neo Space!

“MMMMHMHMHMHMHMHM!!” Air Neos cackled! He became RICH!! (Air Neos: 5500 -> 12000 Attack Points) The money began to fill Europa, overtaking the oceans and beaches with riches.

“NO, I CAN’T EVEN USE THIS AMERICAN MONEY!!” Flamin’ Tower Johnson complained, sifting his robotic hands through American one-dollar bills! “I AM AN ALIIIIIEEEEEEENNNNN!!!” IF HE’S GOING TO OVERPOWER ME THIS ROUND, HE’S GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. He grew four more arms on either side of his body. They took in all his flames and extended around like dangerous fiery ropey arms. He reached past his back and ripped six palm trees out of the moon. IF YOU DIE, YOU CAN’T WIN BECAUSE YOU LOSE!! Flamin’ Tower Johnson mental-roared! I’M TAKING HIM OUT!! “THIS MOON MAY NOT MAKE SENSE, BUT MY ATTACKS SHALL KNOCK SOME INTO YOU!!”

“Make sense more,” Jaden demanded. He took off running into his Air Neos and took over his form with his own spiritual super power, covering his body in emerald power. He then appeared ahead of his enemy. The six arms flew off of his body with insane prejudice.

“WHAT… WAIT, HUH?! WHAT DID YOU…?”

“You foolish fooly fool,” Jaden told, “you should know how far I’ve ascended above you while speaking in such a serious manner. Even if nobody cared about this Duel before, they should now.” (Jaden Yuki: TWELVE-THOUSAND ATTACK POINTS, GUYS!!)

 

The six flaming palm trees flying off floated and were put out by cushions of air. All six of them flew into the robot’s chest.

“OOOOOWWWW, THAT WOULD HURT IF I WASN’T A ROBOOOOT!!” Flamin’ Tower Johnson screamed! A whirlwind picked up under him! “AAAHHHHH, RANDOM WINDY POWWWWEEEERRRRSSSS!!”

“And now, let me ask you,” Jaden Air Neos asked him, “why did you say you need to take the bus when you have the UFO right there under all this money?”

“I… I WANTED TO SEE MY FRIEND ON PLANET POLIO…” Flamin’ Tower Johnson admitted, smoking with regret.

“That’s… weird.”

“OH.” Jaden zoomed up, grabbed him by the back of the robot neck, and threw him into the money, causing him to nonconsensually shoot a hail of metal screws at his heroic birdy enemy! They all swirled together into a large ball and floated into his hand. “Whoop, that could’ve taken out an eye, heh heh! Yo.”

“Hey, you’re right!” D.D. Survivor and D.D. Warrior Lady realized, poking their head out through the money.

“That would’ve been one nasty spill!” Flare Scarab and Glow moss acknowledged.

“AAAHHHH… I CAN’T… MOVE!!” Flamin’ Tower Johnson muttered as his body wiggled uselessly in the moneyocean. “ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS BLOW UP THE MOON SO THAT ALL THESE DUEL SPIRITS WOULD DIE!! OR AT LEAST GET SENT INTO JUPITER, THE MOST DANGEROUS PLANET OF ALL NINE!! IS THAT SO BAD?!”

“You mentioned two other planets,” Jaden said. “Plus Pluto isn’t really a planet anymore to some guys. So you fail.”

“……… I WISH I COULD BE RIGHT.”

 

“Guys, WIN THIS CRAP!!” Jaden demanded! He flexed his muscles and announced, “THAT ATTACK AVIAN USED TO USSSSSSSEEEEE!!” Air Neos Jaden took off into the air, pulled back his wings, and fired a storm of feathers which overtook the planet. D.D. Survivor died, for it was too soft. (Flamin’ Tower Johnson: 1200 Life Points)

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!” Flamin’ Tower Johnson screamed, covered in feathers, palm trees and useless earth money!

“FLARE SCARAB, ATTACK D.D. WARRIOR LADY!!”

“YEAAAAAAHHH!!” Flare Scarab complied, grinding his skateboard into D.D. Warrior Lady! She imploded, taking him out with her, and yet the board flew into Flamin’ Tower Johnson’s head!

“DAAAAAHHHHH!!” he cried, emitting all sorts of creepish cables from his cranium! (Flamin’ Tower Johnson: 200 Life Points)

“TAKE IT HOME, MOSS-BABY!!”

Glow Moss smiled diabolically. “DON’T GO MESSIN’ WIT’ DA MOOOOOB!!” she screamed as she threw a disembodied horse head at Flamin’ Tower Johnson. WAIT… IS THAT GLORIA?! The head hit him in the head, scattering dollars and feathers everywhere. He exploded violently. (Death Count + 1) “GLORIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” (Flamin’ Tower Johnson: -100 Life Points, Game Over)

Jaden landed softly, dispelled his transformation and his monsters, and screamed “NOW ALL I HAVE TO DO IS FIND OUT HOW TO GET BACK TO EAAAAARRRRRTHHHH oh right, UFO.” He took as much money and feather as he could, jumped into the UFO, and crashed it into the Pacific Ocean.

 

“Hey, that was pretty sudden, kiddo,” Dark Panther said as Jaden crawled out of the wreckage with some dollar bills and some feathers in his pockets.

“I know, I was just coastin’ on the energy the song gave me,” Jaden sighed. “Oh wait, you guys’re all really Duel Spirits?!”

“Yeah, man,” Dark Panther answered, “we’re like the hippest new Duel Spirit kids on the block. We’re gonna be by your side as long as it takes, man. Until, y’know, we’re overshadowed by The Man.”

“Yessiree Bob, Jaden,” Grand Mole said, “since you created the cards, we came with ‘em! And no, nuthin’ can EVER justify that with sense!”

“Oh!” Jaden chuckled. “Wait…” He looked over his shoulder. The UFO exploded, revealing good ‘ol Duel Academy waiting for him! “Good ‘ol Duel Academy!” Jaden cheered! “WOO HOOOOOOO!! Now I can take my ol’ spot as a good Duelist again!”

“And with us, you’re guaranteed to defeat the Society of Light!” Aqua Dolphin rallied!

“Just head on in there and let’s kick some Light butt!” Flare Scarab shouted! “YEEEAAHHHH!!”

“Just say the word and I’ll bust some caps up their you know where,” Glow Moss supported.

“MNAMNAMSNMN” Air Hummingbird screamed, lying on his side and being drunk-ish.

“I’m gonna make you all proud!!” Jaden shouted! “LET’S GOOOOOO!!!!” He ran into the school.

 

TWO! MINUTES!! LATER!!!

Jaden was sitting on the famous Idiot Tree, named so for growing right off the edge of a tree like an idiot. “Hmm, now how the hell did I get HERE when I was running into the SCHOOL DOORS…” Neos appeared behind Jaden and patted his shoulder.

“MMMMHHMHMHMHMHMHMMMM!!” he laughed epically. “MMMMMHMHMHMHMHMHM!!”

“Shut up, Neos.”

“Fmmrmy,” Neos apologized.

 

[spoiler=NEXT TIME:]Jaden's back on the scene, now with DOUBLE ENERGY!! But even though Jaden's got his own Elemental Hero Neos, he may still be hard-pressed to take on Aster Phoenix... AND THE CHEETAHMEN. Next episode: Jaden's Reawakening! Look Out, Homestead! Apollo's got his sights on you!! Wait... damn. That's not the one with the crossbow, is it?

 

 

[Weather Report - Stand]

Okay, here's the rest of the chapter. EVEN LONGER SECOND PART

 

[spoiler=Episode 68, Pt. 2]From a secret stash, missiles were deployed all over the battlefield. Rather than slaughter some more mostly-innocent childrens, they shot up into the sky and becae spectacular firework. Explosions of orange and blue, red and green, tantalized the yellow-blue audience.

"Fireworks I reckon are deployed," Billy Hills said. "Tactic is in full force, I reckon."

Behind him at another desk was Shades Milligan. "Code Grandaddy Purple is in full effect!"

"What does that even mean!?" screamed Crowler from within a speaker.

"It means everything's going fine...I think." He tilted his cool shades.

The rickety elevator thingies stopped. "...Well the lifts just stopped," said Crowler. "WHAT'CHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT!?!?"

Shades Milligan located the instruction manual: "How To Operate Your NERV-Lookalike Facility". "Okay, follow these directions, Billy."

"I reckon that's Billy Hills to you!"

"Okay, first...oh gosh...pull levers A B and H at the same time, push button B2, twist the little twisty thingy, put the keys in and turn, pour the bubbling liquid in the blue beaker, scratch the record three times, go to the dance pad and press the up arrow five times, pull the whistle twice to make it go woo-woo, break the glass, pull out the green button, throw the button onto the control panel, hit the button, wait for the machete to fall down, take the machete, cut the bamboo thicket, find the box, open the box, and then take out the slip of paper."

"I reckon that's...one long instruction," Billy Hills said, holding a box.

"Don't stop 'cause it ain't over yet. Then you have to take the paper out and say "HASHIIIIIIIII!". Then you pull every lever, twist every twistable, and BOP EVERYTHING." Billy Hills bopped every single item on the control panel three times frantically. "YOU BOPPED IT THREE TIMES!?!?"

AAAOOOW! An annoying sound came from the control panel! Everything on it stopped blinking. "High score!" it said. "Too fast for ya?"

"D'AAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!"

"Okay, let's do it again, from the top."

 

FAST FORWARD INTO THE FUTURE.

 

"Okay!" Billy Hills said, wiping sweat from his brow. "EVA-00 deployed! I reckon now we prepare launch sequence - okay, WHY do we have to do all this to deploy three robots?!"

"That was just the first one, Billy boy" said Shades Milligan. "ARE YOU READY!?!?"

Billy Hills left.

 

SECRET_WEAPON_TWO

SECRET_WEAPON_THREE

100%_COMPLETE

 

"We had three this whole time?" Chazz said. "Dang! Guess you really CAN'T underestimate money!"

"No, son. You really can't."

 

MEANWHILE, ON THE BATTLEFIELD...

People all over the island locked hands and swayed to and fro, completely absorbed in that great light show in the sky. They had realized that not only did steak sauce not matter...neither did steak sauce. They forgot many of their differences that day, on the blood-red field of carnage...

 

*~ THE END ~*

 

BUT THEN!! A prog knife sliced their heads off. Hundreds of tiny smiling heads bounced off of the red grass and the bloody daffodils, going out without a prayer or a dream. They were ignored in favor of the second secret weapon of the day: the EVA-00 and her pilot, Ayanami Rei!

"Whazzup, beez-nitches," Rei said blandly from within the cockpit.

 

"OOOhoohoohoohoooooo!" Crowler clapped. It ran up and snatched the cell phone from out of Chazz's hand. "We've been waiting all day for your arrival, Rei!" The cell phone displayed a visual of our blue-haired hero-like character.

"What about us?" Shinji and Asuka said, sitting in the purple EVA-01 and red EVA-02 respectively.

"Oh, you're not important," Crowler dismissed.

"You know, we could just leave," Shinji said.

"I'm paying you for this."

"How much?"

Rei spoke up. "One hour, 100,000. Two hours, 200,000. Three hours, one French bread." She held up a huge bread loaf. "Four hours, two French breads." She held up a second huge loaf. Through the EVA's freaky screen, she gave Shinji and Asuka a thumbs-up.

"I don't want any French bread!" Asuka roared.

"You can leave in two hours," Rei said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!"

"What is it now, Shinji?" Asuka said, rolling her eyes.

Shinji was floating up to the top of the cockpit! The breathable LCL within had been replaced with totally-NOT-breathable STEAK SAUCE!! "GAAAAAAAH...GLOCK..."

Asuka slammed her fist down on some metal stuff. "Speak up!"

"I don't hear him breathing," said Rei.

"I don't care what you hear him doing, just do your job!" Crowler shut the foldable cell phone angrily and shoved it into its pocket.

"Mum, that's MY cell phone," Chazz said with a tear in his eye.

Alexis and Nancy Wut had been looking in on the conversation. "What was that at the end?" she wondered. "What happened to Shinji?"

"No one knows," said Nancy Wut. "It's a cliffhanger."

"No it's not! Just call them back!"

"Or maybe he's dying. He's dead."

"That wasn't just any old series of moans and groans," Chazz deducted. "It was...EVA-01 STEAK SAUCE."

GASP!! All of the Blues in the room were horror-stricken!

"Who thought it would be a great idea to fill someone's Plug Suit with steak sauce!?" Alexis put her hand on her hip.

JUST THEN, Dan the Drawer burst through the double-doors behind them! "I'M SOORY! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD TURN OUT THIS WAAAAAAAAY!!"

"What would turn out what way?" Crowler raised an eyebrow.

"I'm the one who filled EVA-01 with EVA-01 Steak Sauce!" he said, doing a few panicked bows. "I'm sorry! I thought Shinji would be breathing his own element! I didn't know he couldn't breathe some sauce named after his own EVA! Please forgive me!"

Crowler told him "We'll think it over" as some lackeys rolled him up in a blanket and tossed him into the ocean.

"On one hand, you're terrible," Alexis said. "On the other hand, he was a murderer himself. Well, let's just watch everything play out for a while."

 

The armies of the living all looked up at the beasts and collectively said, "WTFEVAS!?!?!?"

The hulkin' homunculi stared their tiny opponents down. A flurry of brown sauce sloshed right out from the top of EVA-01's head, bringing a poor dying boy in a form-fitting suit with it. Shinji's fallen husk, stripped of breath and dignity, tumbled haphazardly onto the ground, bringing to mind the birth of Athena, only with much more steak sauce. He fell in exactly the wrong way, both anatomically and in terms of physical health.

"Ihh! it's so form-fitting!" Some kids ran away. (You should totally know that Weather Report suggested the "fell in exactly the wrong way" part.) Other children, members of the Blue faction, kneeled before the unearthly brown elixir and started to sip.

But who was to operate EVA-01? Beehive Larry ran toward the big behemoth and, putting his hands behind his back and pushing with all his might, shoved himself right into the cockpit! His outfit became drenched with tasty juices, but he was still, in man respects, fit for battle! He put on some blue shades and said, "I'm a rebel!"

"...Well, at least you're not Shinji," Asuka deducted.

"Wow! NOBODY likes Shinji! Just like in the cartooooooooons!"

She reasoned that they were both pretty dumb. "Looks like it's time to make introductions," Asuka said. "I'm-"

"I pilot EVA-00," Rei cut in. "I should be the first to make the introductions." The cyclopian cyborg mightily stomped the ground. "It's Ayanami Rei. She's the brains of the bunch. Pilots the EVA-00. Likes: Dadda Gendo, Kensuke Aida, Penpen, EVA-01 Steak Sauce. Dislikes: EVERYONE ELSE."

"I'm Beehive Larry! Lemme tell you all about my-"

"No."

"...Wow, she really DOES hate everyone else."

EVA-02 broke into an INSANELY actiony pose! "I'm Asuka! I pilot the EVA-02, and I'm the one who likes to deal the first punch! I like beating Duelists up for money and being an unsympathetic character for the better part of an anime! I dislike idiots, annoying people, and annoying idiot people! And Rei! I wanna give a shout-out to Misato back in Tokyo-3! You're a terrible person!"

"Back atcha, sis," said Rei.

"What's your last name?" hollered a random guy.

Asuka groaned, "That's still up to interpretation." The random guy nodded, diving deep in thought.

"Hey, can I get you kids on a question-and-answer panel?" Chancellor Shepherd shouted via the tallest unbroken obelisk of Duel Academy, holding a microphone out in Rei's general direction.

"Don't keep me here for more than two hours, Rei," Asuka said. "I don't like French bread!" But Rei didn't respond. "Rei?"

"Dadda Gendo..." she moaned.

 

Sometime last week...

After all of the Angels had been destroyed, Gendo celebrated a job well done by experimenting with a different wacky hairstyle every day. That day he had chosen a ponytail. A soulful hippie ponytail. Sadly he did not have enough hair for it. He hadn't realized that everyone around the office was laughing at the stupid hairband behind his head, holding onto the few depressingly-short strands of hair he had left. But it didn't matter. He was still mildly cool, because he was Gendo. The manga adaptation had definitely taken its toll on his sanity. It was like an emotional roller coaster ride for him. Don't judge him.

Near the old EVA loading area, where a person standing on the small strip of concrete could only hope he would not fall into the eighty-feet deep abyss below, Rei was stading in front of Soulful Hippie Gendo. "Dadda Gendo, I'm ready to go," she said.

"Don't call me Dadda Gendo," said Gendo. "Have you been watching late night television lately?"

"Yeah, son."

He squinted hard at her. "Looks like we're going to have to restrict some privileges, young lady."

"Aw, snap, booy, whatchoo saaaay."

Then Fuyutsuki approached them. "Gendo I need to ask you a ques-" He stared at the pitiful mockery of a ponytail on the back of Gendo's head. "Stared at the PONYTAIL'?! I don't see any PONYTAIL! WAHAHA, HA HA HA, HAAAAAAAA..." Fuyutsuki danced a jig of intense, heart-ending laughter. As he did his dance number, he did the Worm wrong and rolled off the edge of the concrete platform. He laughed all the way down until the splat.

Rei and Gendo looked over the railings. "Apparently he's dead," said Gendo.

 

"That didn't answer MY question," said the chancellor.

"Too bad," Rei said, snapping out of it.

While everyone was doing stupid stuff, Yellows had been slowly disassembling EVA-01's leg using chisels and knives! "We're silent but deadly!" one freak exclaimed.

"Do something, y'all," Rei said.

"Uh...o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-okay!" Beehive Larry ran his hands over all of the buttons and levers. EVA-01 began to dance. The EVA started raising and lowering her arms and legs in a manic fit, throwing kids left and right. There was no end to this painful death waltz in sight.

"Watch me do a REAL something!" Asuka roared, activating a bunch of crazy levers. EVA-02 pulled two giant laser blasters from her waist or something. She jumped high into the air and spun around what must have several hundred times, shooting glowing red lasers in every concievable direction! Most of them just flew up into the sky, but some of them damaged students and dismembered buildings! Even one of the Alexishouse's spires was broken, and the tippy top of it came crashing to the ground.

 

"...What was that?" Crowler asked.

"Oh, that was just part of my house falling apart," Alexis answered with a deep hardy sigh.

"Ahem! MY house?" Chazz crossed his arms.

"Settle down, youngsters!" Crowler said, holding a bag of popcorn. It swerved around their conversation to better watch the battle. A bolt of red light tore through the glass, breaking it like it was nothing. The blast, huge as it was, somehow managed to spare everyone the pain of actually getting hit by it. "What are they doing now!? I paid them to destroy OTHER people!"

With the glass scattered all around them, their ears could listen to all of the shouts and whimpers of war. The very thought might be enough to drive any sane man off the brink. The three remaining childrens looked at Crowler. Then, they left, one by one. First, Alexis; second, Nancy Wut; third, Chazz.

The pained cries of war started to fade. Even still, it could hardly hear itself think.

"Well, you're the only friend I have left, Bonaparte."

The puppet shook around as it spoke. "Those two wuh nevuh youh friends!"

It frowned.

 

Digimon. Digital monsters. Digimon are the champions.

Six figures stood on a cliff overlooking the brawl. Behind them were six other, more digital-looking figures.

Digimon. Digital monsters. Digimon are the champions.

Beelzemon got his guns ready. Garurumon stiffened up. Greymon rubbed his teeth together. Omnimon cracked his steely knuckles. Justimon prepared his big fisting arm. BanchoLeomon marched in place. "So, you all?" said Bastion as he turned to his crew. "Are we ready to fight those EVAs?"

It was a unanimous "NO".

"Well, now we are. Let's all force our Digimon to rumble!"

"Okay."

Digimon. Digital monsters. Digimon.

SENKAIYOH_AND_COMPANY

Meanwhile, in the middle of an expansive red plain, Senkaiyoh stood in front of a massive line of POWs. The Digimons and the EVAs stood together, shackled to each other, looking down at their blood-stained shoes. At Senkaiyoh's command they stepped forward, approaching her one at a time.

To think it had all started over some steak sauce! How ridiculous. Looking back the children realized this. How many lives had been lost over this brown gold? Thousands? Millions? Over the course of a single day? Well, the death count wouldn't update it well enough, so they had no real way of knowing, but the point is they knew it was really high.

Slowly they swayed in tune to the inspiring melody of death. One by one, they were slain.

"Next!...Next!..."

Senkaiyoh rubbed her bloody fist off. No reason to rush when the prey was already tied down, although she found the quick kills more fun.

Two academy boys were left, chained to the dead and the decaying. Senkaiyoh killed the one on the right with a fatal punch through the ribcage. Then, she ripped off Hassleberry's shackles. "Hey, I'm no prisoner of war," he realized, "I'm Hassleberry!"

"OHHHHHH!!" Senkaiyoh patted his bandanna ."I'm glad you don't care about me slaughtering everything as much as you used to!" she said, wiping some blood off of his uniform but actually adding stains in the process.

"Yeah, well, I kind of got desensitized to it over the years!" Hassleberry gave an unfrazzled grin. He kicked some kids aside. "What are you gonna murder next?"

Several red laser blasts flew past them from behind. They chopped through the entire area around them, but JUST happened to avoid them.

Senkaiyoh pointed over her shoulder with her thumb. "The EVAs!"

KABUTO_STEAK_SAUCE_CONGLOMERATE

The tension hung in the air of the Duel Dome like a thick blanket of warm and comfortable suspense. This was because many of the Kabuto Reds were not particularly battle-ready; in fact, most of them simply sat around watching Bunnyear's TV.

"Hey dude, dude!" Donny Dumb waggled his finger a bit. "Let's watch the academy news station!"

"Hell no!" argued some random guy sitting next to him on the floor. "This is THE game, man! The Cardinals still have a chance! I mean, it could go either way!"

"Actually, I'm with him," Bunnyear admitted. She was standing in front of them with her eyes glued to the screen. "So much suspense..."

"There's suspense going on right now around us! Guys, this is serious!" Syrus shouted, grabbing all three guys' shoulders and shaking them. "It's a slaughterhouse outside. And if a tornado hits, who knows what's going to happen!?" Conveniently as he said that, several energy blasts hit the side of the building, totally obliterating the glass dome! They all ducked down and covered their heads, but the glass had been destroyed so completely that only a gentle sprinkling of powder rained down on them.

"You're right." Bunnyear's ears twitched, and the channel changed.

Linda Academy was still at her news desk, reporting the news students wanted to hear. "...And here he is, reporting live from the middle of a combat crisis."

A fat kid in a tuxedo appeared on-screen. The backdrop: a deadly battle."Big Scoops Weekly here," he said. "So Stephen Boyd, why are you out and about? Going to, uh, enter your vote at the voting booth?"

"Nope, just going to the card shop," he answered.

"Oh. Well, what's your favorite steak sauce brand?"

"That's a tough one, but I'd have to say brown sauce."

"Um...brown sauce? I'm...pretty sure that's not a specific brand. Oh well. Back to you, Linda Academy." The interview ended.

"Wait a minute, hold on!" Donny Dumb yelped. "What was that in the background?! I gotta check THAT out!"

"Maybe you're not as dumb as I thought," Syrus said.

"No, I'm still dumb, man. That battle looked frickin' sweet!"

"Sorry, my stomach doesn't have a pause feature." She bit her lip.

"It's proof that the battle's still going," Syrus realized, "and hitting the island worse than ever." He stood up and marched away. "I'm going downstairs."

The Reds stared at him for a moment as he leaped into the huge and jagged crevice. Then they went back to the game: Louisville Cardinals versus Minnesota Wild.

 

One thing none of the academy students knew about the Duel Dome was that, just below the arena, somebody had built a stupid and incomprehensible laboratory. It was a cave that seemed to stretch deep underground. Maybe it led to Dr. Card's lab, eventually, in some convoluted way, but there was no time to think about that.

Syrus's footsteps echoed as he walked down the brown staircase, carved right into the rock. Whatever mastermind had made the secret headquarters had done some masterful work with it. Alien machines and instruments had been curved as if one with the walls themselves. It was a mechanical cavern; the union of materials organic and inorganic; the natural and the unnatural.

Syrus found Mann McOldsmobile spinning some dials around with his digits. A monitor blinked seizure-inducingly from purple to red, until it finally stopped at purple. "Uh...how's it coming, Mann McOldsmobile?" It couldn't have been going well, he thought.

"I think I lost," the man said, "but if I've still got a continue left on this thing, I still have a chance to initiate it."

"Initiate what?"

"Initiate the transformation."

"...You shouldn't leave important information that I don't know anything about out of your sentence. And besides, what transformation?"

"Something awesome, probably."

"Probably? PROBABLY!?!? We need to have a DEFINITELY awesome game plan going, or we might not survive! Am I the only one going mad here?!"

"Yes. Just sit tight and I will do the best I can."

"'The best you can'? You can't do best! Here, I'll show you my best!" Syrus flopped onto the control panel and smeared his face all over the dials! "Where's your transformation NOW, Mann McOldsmobile!?!?"

The secret underground lab began to rumble. The twisting caverns beyond began to break off from the rest. It felt as if the whole academy was moving.

"Syrus, what the hell were you thinking!?" Mann McOldsmobile clenched his fist, but a fallen rock scraped along it. He resisted the urge to pummel.

Without another word, they ran upstairs. Syrus lost his footing and slipped on the dry rock, and a rushing Mann McOldsmobile left him behind in his run for safety.

Upstairs, the Kabuto Reds were panicking and running around in circles. "Do any of you know what's going on!?"

The rabbit ears were fluttering around madly. "Something...involving radio signals," she knew.

Did Syrus actually know how to initiate the transformation!?

The structure of the school started to rearrange itself. The Duel Dome Kloof tore itself farther and farther apart, and one end moved high into the air. Pistons and engines assembled themselves using bits and pieces of the ruined academy. It was as if a giant alien vehicle was being built before their eyes by some unseen mechanic. The students who happened to keep themselves running around in the Duel Dome flew past the complex construction and ended up standing on a giant patchwork chair.

"Waaaaaaaugh!"

"Wubbawubbawubba!"

"Wobwobwob!"

Their dreadful view of the outside world was soon covered by rising rock and a crispy ceiling. There were only two chairs in the bus, and the one in front of them was the only one fit for a regular-sized human being.

Syrus turned around. His face was small and distant, bloody on the side, but clear. Although nobody could hear it, he said these words: "Welcome to the Duel Academy Bus. Hope you have a safe trip." He tipped his plastic bus driver's cap. "Time to liberate."

The school bus, dotted with painted-on stars and galaxies, started up with a hearty roar. The hum of the engines and the flashing of the lights resounded throughout the whole island. The Duel Academy Bus reared up on its hind wheels and roared.

Syrus shielded his eyes with one hand and looked out the window. No glass - must have been broken by those strange blasts - but it would do in a pinch. He would make it thorugh this...he would fight until he died...if it meant Jaden and Mann Mc Oldsmobile and all the rest would survive.

He noticed something in his pocket. It was a driver's license made completely out of stone. Truesdale, Syrus.

This bus was made for him.

He turned the steering wheel a couple hundred times and headed in the direction of the EVAs.

EVA_CENTER_OF_COMBAT

EVA-02 landed with a hearty thump. Her laser guns reloaded, or something. Asuka looked around at all of the destruction. Then she looked back at that dancing fool of an EVA dancing nearby. What a dancing fool! she thought.

"Piece of-u cake-u!" she said with an odd Japanese-ish spin. "So what's next, Rei?" She smirked confidently. "I don't see anyone else around here. Nobody alive, anyway."

"Transformers are more than meets the eye. Look there." EVA-00 pointed to a cliff smeared all over with red. Some folks and their Digimon were standing on it!

"Whoops! Looks like they found us!" BanchoLeomon discovered.

"Tch! By golly, he's right!" a snooty rich boy said.

"Look, there's going to be blood and carnage no matter what we do," Bastion said. "Either we can run away like little boys, or we can stand and fight, like adolescent boys! Who's with-" The EVA-00 revealed a deadly glowing prog knife and got ready to attack!...slowly. "Fine, everyone just throw your Digimon at them."

Like a dissatisfied audience throwing tomatoes, the Digidestined Yellows hurled their digital partners at the giants. And, much like tomatoes, the Digimon splattered all over the EVA-00's face.

"There is a simple solution to this problem," Rei said. She scraped the Digi-Fluids off with her prog knife. This caused a layer of juicy metal cyclops meat to show. "Better."

But there was one Digimon left: Greymon. Bastion crammed the big fat orange dinosaur into Omega-Xis's mouth! "Take this, foul beast! Dinosaur Charge Shot!" A sickly green aura emanated from the flailing Greymon's body, charging up a powerful blast. Then Omega-Xis released his dino-bite, and Greymon went zig-zagging through the skies!

He clamped onto EVA-00's soggy meat face before being smeared off and thrown away. The dinosaur managed to hold its ground, kicking up crimson dust as it skidded backward and forced its claws deeper into the ground.

"Hey, Asuka. Let's tag up, y'all," Rei offered, but as she turned around, EVA-02 had already disappeared! "Y'all? Where are y'all?" EVA-00 wheeled around and faced the ocean, wherein a running red guy appeared to her! Somehow the EVA was running on water! Hey, cool, yo!

"Why?" Zooming in with a single large eye, Rei spotted a magic duel bus in front!

"That creepy Crowler thing told me I'd get more money if I went after the big bus!" said Asuka. "So I'm going!"

Greymon had been ripping off bits and pieces of EVA-00's leg during the conversation. It was was a large dino, but not THAT large. As Rei wiggled the limb around to remove the dinosaur, shards of foot fell down.

"I'm going to have to make an escape," she finally decided. "Beehive Larry, keep it real." EVA-00 made leaps and bounds toward the ocean.

"Uh..." Beehive Larry stared at all of the soggy brown controls surrounding him. He poked one, but it somehow splashed all over his shirt! Then he got scared. He decided not to eat EVA-01 steak sauce ever again. Beehive Larry curled up into a ball and began to shiver.

a mysterious figure scanned the area from behind a lonely red hedge. That constant stampede of EVA-feet would be hard to avoid if he was indeed planning a break-in. But if he did nothing, he would be letting down his best friend.

"Taste the berries of cold hard justice!"

A smattering of little pink bombs rolled around EVA-01's feet. As she stepped all over them, they exploded and set off a chain-pain reaction! A big and hardy gush of steak sauce spouted out from the legs, but the EVA showed no signs of stoppin'. Greymon sniffed the brown elixir, but it avoided it like the plague...because Digimon only endorse Digimon brand steak sauce.

Ah...it's working like repellent. Beehive Larry looked on with wonder. Don't have to worry about THAT right now! ...Unless the legs fall apart or something. Well, I'm safe in here!

Some steak sauce dripped onto his hair, causing all of the gel to splash out and the hair to fall into a gooey mess.

STEAK SAUCE HELL.

Jilly Belly yelped, "This guy's stealing our prize! Our metal armored prize!"

"Listen up, gang," Bastion said. "If it's a Red, we kill him. If it's a Yellow, we kill him. We, as the Digidestineds, cannot risk it. Are you with me?" They nodded bashfully. "Good, now get in Omega-Xis's mouth." They stared at him. "Anyone? ...For Pete’s sake, it's not as if you were ever going to appear at this school again!"

"Take the plunge!" squealed Omega-Xis. "We'll all go buck wild together!"

The Digimon Yellows shrugged. One by one, all but Bastion put their hands inside. They all lifted their hands up. "BREAK - OW!!" Their palms were collectively stabbed.

"Dino power!" Greymon jumped up really high and stuck its horn right through the middle.

"GAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

 

Tyranno Hassleberry tucked and rolled out of the bush, revealing a bazooka from behind his back as he got into a kneeling position. "Freeze! You're under Hassleberrurrest!" But nobody could hear him, since he was so far away from the living. "Okay! You asked for it!"

Bastion started powering up a massive Omega Buster charge shot when he saw Tyranno. Fiery green aura surrounded his "comrades"! "Let's see if you can handle THIS! Big Blast Big Blast!" he said as he aimed and fired!

Like asteroids in his wake, the Digidestineds and their Greymon buddy were driven deep into the ground, leaving a trail of noxious Omega-Fumes. Hassleberry tumbled and rumbled out of the way, lucky to have escaped with his body intact. "We're on the same team, fool!" he shouted up at Bastion. "Why would you do this to...to a man with dino-DNA!?"

Bastion's eyes narrowed. "Nobody can be trusted."

"Except him!" Omega-Xis said. "You can trust him! Yep."

"But I'm Hassleberry! The EVA is our common steak sauce-affiliated enemy!"

Greymon crawled out of the ground, being the only survivor after the blast. It crouched down and sniffed Hassleberry. "Worthy," it whispered in a voice loud enough for Bastion to hear.

The boy with the wolf-alien hand jumped off of the cliff, did a triple quadruple backflip in the air, and made a perfect landing in front of Hassleberry. "You have a deal."

They turned to face their madly-dancing opponent. BUT COULD THEY DO IT!?!?

But she was just...dancing. Dancing and spraying steak sauce everywhere. "Nah," the boys said together.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" Syrus gripped the steering wheel tightly with clammy hands. Both of his feet were slammed on the large rock pedal. The sea breeze hit his face like a stranger's warm and unfamiliar breath. It was the breath...of FEAR.

He really didn't want to fight these guys. He really, really didn't. Syrus had watched the entire Neon Genesis Evangelion series, and by golly it scarred him for life. Oh, sure, there were much worse things that had happened in his life, but dang. The moment he spotted one of those crazy EVA things, he headed for the sea and almost hoped the bus would sink. What if it roared at him, and then it had to get all bandaged up!? Scary.

He heard Kabuto Reds protesting behind him. They'd probably have beat him up if the one seat in the Duel Bus wasn't so dumb. Syrus thought he heard one falling several meters down to the floor of the bus, twisting his neck and killing himself. And yes, he knew exactly how that sounded.

 

Deep down, Mann McOldsmobile thought that Syrus knew exactly what he was doing. It wouldn't hurt to try and help him out some, y'know what I'm sayin'? So he slammed all of the other useless Reds (and one mildly-handy Bunnyear) aside, leaped onto the stone wall, ran up that wall to reach the ceiling, punched a hole in the ceiling, and climbed through.

Immediately the sea breath breeze hit him, but, being Mann McOldsmobile, he could handle it easily. With his shiny REGULAR shoes pushed into the bus's roof, he looked around, not expecting to see much. Lo and behold, a red devil was on their trail!

"Hey, crew!" he said very outrageously loudly. "The EVA is coming for us!"

"WuwuwuWUwuwu...wuwuwuwu..." Syrus whimpered. A bunch of splashing flounders flew through the unprotected window. "Gah! No, stop! It's my bus, MY bus! Naaaaaaaaaaw..." He fell several meters down to the floor of the bus, twisting his neck and killing himself. The flounders started to flop around crazily on the wheel, causing the bus to go haywire!

"HEYYYY! HOLD OOOOON BROOOOOOOOO!!" Donny Dumb and the rest of the idiot Reds dove over the edge of the huge chair as if they were cannonballing into a kiddie pool. Needless to say it was a collective suicide dive. "BRO-ACK-GLAHCKKFREHAAAAAAAAA....." Bunnyear smashed her hands against her ears to stop the cries of pain.

The Duel Academy Bus swerved around so wildly, Mann McOldsmobile ALMOST lost his balance! What the heck was Syrus doing down there!?

EVA-02 latched onto the back of the bus and loaded the laser into her gun. EVA-00 was also approaching - dayum. "Don't worry if we kill you!" Asuka said. "I'm only doing it for a paycheck!"

"That doesn't make anything better!" Mann McOldsmobile argued. "...Actually it would've been better if you were just murdering for the fun of it!"

Mann McOldsmobile's eyes narrowed as the viewers zoomed in on his face.

"Was this Crowler's plan all along!?" He started to walk closer to EVA-02, now struggling to keep his balance. "Tell me or else!"

"I really don't know-" Asuka started to say.

"Yes! It was all her plan!" Chazz gave it away over the phone! "Her stupid evil plan! Her plan...TO DESTROY JADEN!!" A Crowler slap was heard.

"...Her?" She thought it over for a second. Then she burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

 

From behind Mann McOldsmobile, a Senkaiyoh appeared! "SENKAI!?!?" he gasped.

"That's Senkai

to YOU, Mann-y!" She tousled his hair some.

"Ow." He shook his head around to get it back into its original style. "But how did you...!? And where are your...!?"

"I got on while you weren't looking! And - oh! The glasses?" She put another pair on. "There they are!"

"Huh!? Why did you even take them off in the first place?"

"I didn't! Quick, while her guard is down!" She loaded Mann McOldsmobile into a large bazooka and immediately fired him at EVA-02! With added launch speed, his right hook was about as powerful as a right hook explosion. His fist dealt three successive waves of powerfulness, like a hammer pounding nails into a wall! The EVA's head was completely smashed, and the laughing Asuka fell out through the other side. EVA-02 fell backward into the water, left to sink like the Titanic, and remaining just as tragic.

Mann McOldsmobile backflipped a great distance onto the bus. While looking around he realized something: "I don't see EVA-00. Must have escaped after she saw the whooping I gave that other one."

Senkaiyoh tipped her glasses. "No. I still see her. That's not her plan!"

"Then what is it?"

"She's talking to the fishes!"

Mann McOldsmobile shook his head slowly.

Inside of the bus, the flounders kept flopping. At this point only a few of them were left; the other fish had either drowned themselves in the ocean or suicide flopped onto the floor. Two of the remaining flounders clamped themselves around the steering wheel like a pair of hands. The third flounder remained on the rock pedal, keeping the Duel Bus at TOP SPEED.

Eventually the Duel Academy Bus skidded across the water, kicking up magical sea dust and making a painful screeching sound. The flounders stopped on the bloody shore of a different part of the island. The wheels squashed several diseased corpses upon entry.

Senkaiyoh leaped straight onto the shore, convinced that there was more trouble ahead. Mann McOldsmobile took Bunnyear along on his way out through the huge breakable bus doors, since she wasn't dead AND she was good clean entertainment. Then, with nobody left to drive it, the Duel Academy Bus exploded. The coast was clear, as far as those two could tell.

"...Maybe the war is over," Bunnyear figured. She realized she was stepping on a pale and dying earlobe. "...Ew."

"You should still get to a safe zone," he insisted.

"Oh, right."

"It's the police! They're cool, right?" And so Bunnyear stepped up to the canoe.

Four tall men with no hair and smiley faces were standing straight up in the wooden boat. They seemed to be dressed in strange police-cloaks. The shortest one on the left wriggled around as he said, "Hey there, little young chap. What brings us fine young strapping men to this island? Daddy-o?" "He" sounded more like a female trying to pass for male...badly.

"Well, everyone's dying here, so...take me somewhere else until it gets cleaned up?"

All of the policemenwomen wriggled around wildly, like fingers. "We will save you! Yus! Yusssssss!" They spoke as one...almost like LEGION.

"Come aboard!" Bunnyear hopped on. "Yus! Yusss! YUSSSSSSS!!" The canoe was starting to rip itself apart. "YUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!" A giant blue arm showed itself from below the waves, taking the policefingers and Bunnyear high into the air! The policefingers crowded around her, ensnaring her in their trap. She was caught, just like a mouse, and all because she hadn't listened.

"BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Senkaiyoh came to the rescue yet again! "She knew we were coming, so she waited!"

EVA-00 crept onto the shore with Bunnyear in one raised hand. Rei announced, "Yus. It was me. So you can run and tell that."

The girl in the glasses generated a normal-looking handgun. "Get out of the way, Mann McOldsmobile, for your own good!"

"Fine..." He disappeared into a small flock of tropical palm trees.

"FYER!!" PYEW!

Senkaiyoh's gun shot out...three more guns! And those guns fired more guns! After ten generations of handguns had appeared, the first nine began to shoot bullets at EVA-00 - right in the exposed face. And if that wasn't enough to defeat Rei, the final generation combined their bullets into a battleship larger than the EVA herself. The battleship flipped upside-down over EVA-00, and started firing big missiles with frowny faces at her. The beast erupted into an explosion of fiery death.

Rei roared a great roar of terror. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.” Her crumbling, exploding body was whisked away into the ocean.

 

Waves of orange-tinged water washed over the shore, taking drippy red sand with it. It drenched the gunslinger girl in disturbing water.

Mann McOldsmobile facepalmed. “She has the ability to summon boats now?”

"Another job well done!" Senkaiyoh shouted in his general direction. "Right, Mannly?!"

Mann McOldsmobile slowly walked back over to the scene of the battle. "Right, you did such a thorough job that you killed Bunnyear, too."

"She'll come back later!"

He shrugged. "Yeah, well. ...Wait, doesn't that mean Rei's going to come back to life, too-"

"HASSLEBERRY!!"

"Senkaiyyyyyoh!" Hassleberry and Bastion walked up to them from behind.

"Is EVA-01 destroyed?" she asked him.

"Nope! We realized he was just going to stay there and have his own dance party," said the real hassle.

"But when I realized the pilot was Beehive Larry," Bastion added, "we blew him up with a Hassle-bomb!"

The two Yellow fellows had a good long laugh about that for several moments. Mann McOldsmobile managed a small chuckle while Senkaiyoh watched them with a vacant smile.

"Heh heh, death," the Mann said.

Bastion put his arm around him and patted his back. "We have a lot to talk about, my murdersome friend! Let's go have a talk over...uh....." His eyes drifted over to the flock of tropical palm trees. "There!" he said, pointing at them.

"Oh, what the heck." Mann McOldsmobile went along with it, putting on a casual grin. Bastion gave a thumbs-up to Hassleberry as they left.

"...HI!!!" Senkaiyoh gave Hassleberry a reuniting hi-five! She broke his hand though.

 

The two guys stood under the obscuring shadow of the palm trees. "How about that steak sauce?" Bastion asked.

"Well, to tell you the truth," Mann McOldsmobile began, "I-"

"I'm a fan of Digimon, in case you couldn't tell," he interrupted. "And you know, the war is still going."

"What are you getting at?"

"Look up."

This whole time, Mann McOldsmobile had been standing inside of a cavernous mouth. It was the mouth of Greymon, glutton of EVIL!

“Oh crap, I’m in a mouth,” he realized. “Why didn’t I notice this before?”

Through the Digimon’s nostril-window Bastion smiled...evilly."It's an ambush. Give up, Kabuto!"

"Do you think this is enough to stop MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!?!?"

Crowler's voice over an intolerably-loud Alexishouse speaker system cried, "The votes are in! The sauce has been decided! Stop fighting, you imbeciles!"

Mann McOldsmobile cupped his hand around his ear and looked up. "What?" Bastion snapped his fingers, causing Greymon to clamp its mouth over the unlucky victim. He was quickly swallowed.

"Or, at least, stop fighting yourselves! Goodness gracious, how many students are still alive on this island? Two!? But I digress. This was all just a sauce poll before you chaotic students started beating each other to a pulp! So allow me to announce the winning sauce before whoever still happens to be alive."

Bastion's eyes grew wide. This was it! This was the decision he had been fighting for! All of that deception, lying, and killing had all been building up to this moment!

"We only have votes on one particular sauce, for some reason. And...hm, that's odd. Anyway, THE WINNING SAUCE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS...

 

"Sweet Baby Ray's."

Unbelievable! That wasn't even one of the available selections! How did they come to that decision!?

"None of you stupid kids even noticed the VOTING BOOTH I set up! That's why the only votes were from me and my trusty sidekick Bonaparte. So there. Yet another driving force behind the future merging of Ra Yellow and Slifer Red dorms!"

"...............Study hard!" The intercom turned off.

Bastion cried.

(Death Count Season Two: +2,567)

 

**********

 

"So what's this sauce called, yo?" Jaden asked, gnawing on a saucebone. "It sure as heck's not Kabuto, I can tell ya that!"

Mann McOldsmbile sighed. "Sweet Baby Ray's."

Syrus dropped his bone utensils. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!??! So I ended up driving the Duel Bus for NOTHING. Neon Genesis Evangelion was right; no matter what happens, you can never have hope."

"Now I understand that anime!" Jaden said. "But still, bro, what a letdown! Nobody was even FIGHTING for THAT sauce. We didn't fight for ANYTHING'S rights!" Everyone at the table looked seriously bummed out, mon.

Chazz walked over to them with a delectable sauce-drenched meat slab. His wine glass was filled with saucestuffs. "Hey, Slifer Slackers," he sneered. "You're not looking so...TOUGH."

"Of course we're not chipper!" Syrus screamed. "We all got involved in a war with no victors! Think about it! Senkaiyoh lost a pair of magic glasses, the entire student body was murdered, I lost my DRIVER'S LICENSE..." He shook his head. "And I couldn't save Barry the Beginner. The list goes on."

"I'm right here," Barry the Beginner said from a nearby table.

"Actually," Chazz said, taking a big bottle out from the infinite depths of his pocket, "if you'll look at the label..."

Jaden read the label. "Sweet...Baby...REI'S!?!?!?!?"

"EVA-01 Blue dorm won by proxy! OOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOOO!" Chazz laughed like a stupid rich girl and strolled away, putting on his evil white wig and sipping steak sauce out of a straw.

Syrus shook his head some more. "That was terrible. That was a terrible ending."

Suddenly Jaden was being carried away by that toucan guy. "Whoops! Looks like I gotta go now, y'all! See you when I can see mah cards!"

Janitorboy Ikkaku appeared, jabbing Toucan Sam in the back with the red end of his soggy mop lance. "Hey, get a move on. If you weren't on the island before the big war, you're in the way."

"Whatever you say, janitor boy!" With Jaden balanced precariously on his beak, the bird flew away.

 

The Kabuto Reds stared at each other.

"Ha," Mann McOldsmobile laughed.

"Heh heh," Syrus guffawed.

"Aaaahaha, AAAAAAAAAAhahahahahAAAAAAAAA!!" Barry the Beginner boomed.

"Hee hee ha ha ha!"

"Ahahaha!"

"HOOHOOHOOHOOHOO! HAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! Ahaha! Aha!"

The camera started to zoom out. Viewers noticed that the cafeteria had no ceiling, and the fraction of the cafeteria that was still intact was also floating in the middle of a red ocean. Janitorboy Ikkaku wondered exactly how he was going to clean everything else up.

 

(*****\~*-----*~THE_END~*-----*~/*****)

 

Thanks to Weather Report for throwing in a bunch of humor at times I thought weren't funny. It might remain unfunny, but whatcha gonna do. ...!!

 

And hey, he wrote the story this was made for, so this literally WOULD NOT EXIST had he not been there.

 

[spoiler=NEXT TIME ON YU-GI-OH! GX!]

Whoops! Looks like the Academy’s lookin’ good as new! And, hey, now Jaden’s in space! But expect the unexpected – his OC girlfriend Piggybank is with him, too! And, woah, there’s Yubel! Also, Hassleberry gets a meal from EcDonald’s. Why? Tune in next week to find out!

Episode 69: Pushing Dandylions for a Special Porpoise and the Black Panth

See you soon!

 

 

 

[Weather Report - Stand]

You people wouldn't BELIEVE how much trouble it was to write this one. I started at the beginning of January. I threw out at least two week's worth of material. STUPID SHIPPY STORYTELLING SKILLS OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A GOOD TELEVISION SHOW LOOKS LIKE!! And commercialism.

 

[spoiler=Episode 70: Curry Worries]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. The Fan Fic

Episode 70: Curry?! WHY CURRY?! Oh, now it’s pot roast, never mind.

 

Syrus, Hassleberry, Mann McOldsmobile, Bastion and Omega-Xis were sitting together in the Slifer eatingplacearea. Ahead of them were the finest greasy hamburgers and fries available. “Why am I here?” Bastion asked.

“I don’t know,” Syrus supposed, taking a bite, “b-but… but at least... we get… t-t-t-to… BWAAAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAA!!” He threw his half-eaten burger at Bastion and fled, spreading his tears all over the room.

“What’s eatin’ him?” Hassleberry asked.

“It’s been a while since Mr. Banner left,” Mann McOldsmobile revealed staring delightedly at is burger, “and like me, since he left, Syrus hasn’t had anything to eat. So nothing’s been eating him. At all. Oh and Jaden”

“How did you LIVE?” Omega-Xis asked.

Mann McOldsmobile stared accusingly at him for a moment there. “I don’t remember. You were with us for a few weeks, Hassleberry, Senkaiyoh. What did you do?”

“I brought dehydrated food pellets, military-grade,” Hassleberry explained. He took out a green pill. “Ptoo!” he spat, spitting on it. It grew into a Thanksgiving dinner.

“Wow!”

“I don’t NEED food,” Senkaiyoh taught. “I run on a 4.5 gigahertz PENTIUM PROCESSOR GENERATOR!!!” She ripped her chest open, revealing an electrical generator spitting great bolts of blue lightning all around the room. Then she put everything back together.

“Incredible!”

“Wait, you literally have no heart? That’s funny.”

 

“Hey guys!” greeted Stephen Boyd as he approached, drinking a chocolate shake through a bent bendy straw. “How’re you liking the grub?”

“I love it!” Mann McOldsmobile cried, spitting foodbits everywhere! “I wish WE could’ve bought this stuff after our teacher died! How do you work such magics?!” He began vomiting all over the rustic wood paneling! “IT’S TOO RICH FOR MY STOMACH!!” he screamed! “I HAVEN’T HAD ANYTHING THIS GOOD SINCE I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL TWO YEARS AGO!! HOW DID YOU MANAGE SUCH A FEAT?!”

“Oh, I got it all from EcDonald’s,” Stephen Boyd said, pointing to the ‘Ec’ symbol on all of their paper bags they’d mistakenly eaten during their food highs. The ‘E’ resembled a wobbly ‘W’ titled lazily on its side. “I wasn’t given much of a budget, but it works!”

“I think that this is the best idea I’ve ever heard of since Supersize Me!” Bastion supported! “Bravo, chap! You’re off to a good start!”

“Oh stop,” he joked, “you’re makin’ me blush!”

“Yes, stop it, Bastion!” Bunnyear told, appearing from behind her shallow love interest. “You’re simply too much, ahahahaha!”

“Oh yeah, I forgot you existed!”

“Me too!”

 

Suddenly there was a sound comparable to curry outside. “CURRRRRRYYYYYYY” it hissed, whatever it was.

“That sounds serious, guys!” Omega-Xis warned. “We need to go check this out.”

“Who knows what sort of villain that could be!” Bastion cried!

Syrus broke through the door with his fear! “GUYS, SOMETHING STUPID’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!” Everybody neglected to react. Syrus frowned.

Senkaiyoh turned to Mann McOldsmobile. “Wanna touch my generator?” she asked.

“I guess this means we should go outside?” Mann McOldsmobile supposed, swallowing his fries and his fear.

 

Everybody shambled on out and met with a piping hot cauldron of curry being stirred about by a magnificently wooden spoon in the hands of a freaky yellow-coated old man wearing a paper bag, a pink blanket cape and a tacky Spanish moustache. He had a small picture of a flame scribbled onto the forehead-section of the sackmask. “Wow, that IS stupid!” Senkaiyoh gasped, standing with the rest, rubbing her face against a disgusted Mann McOldsmobile.

“AHH!” Mann McOldsmobile balked. “You were there?!”

“Always! But really, can I shoot him?”

“Fufufu,” the cookman snickered, “FUFUHAHAHAHA!! I AM THE MAN OF POT ROAST, MAGICAL KNIGHT CURRYMAN!!” He lifted the spoon and splashed the boiling curry onto several hapless students.

“No, you’re the old man,” Bastion named, looking depressed. “And that’s plainly curry. Senkaiyoh, please don’t kill senile old men.”

“Eh… no, I am just Magical Knight Curryman.”

“SENN-KAII-YOOOOHH!!” Senkaiyoh demanded, pulling a shotgun out on him!

“EEP!!”

“You look like a child-molester to me! Are you?!”

“No, I just want to do one thing before I die, and that is—”

“Molesting children! I knew it!”

“AHH!!”

“Stop, Senkaiyoh!” Hassleberry commanded! “That’s no Magical Knight! That’s…”

 

"Come now, Ms. Crowler," an old man goaded, wearing a paper bag mask with a fire drawn on it, "I want to see just one more duel before I die today of old age."

"He's serious, he's 'bout to croak any moment now," another teacher recognized. "His eyes are REALLY dilated."

 

“That’s not how I remember it,” said Omega-Xis, who was totally there.

Syrus sucked in far too much air and pointed at the man with intense prejudice. “WHAT’S THE POINT OF REVIVING A CHARACTER FROM SO LONG AGO?!?! Plus what was up with the bag—”

“Because I get lonely since nobody visits me,” the old man sniveled. “And now, all of my notable Ra Yellow students are leaving my dormitory and going to this dump! Or the Obelisk Castle.”

“You mean we could live there too?!” Barry the Beginner screamed in disbelief! He ran away.

“NO NOT ANOTHER ONE!”

“Now, look, mister… oldster,” Stephen Boyd told in excusal, “thank you for bringing us some, uh, ‘pot roast’, but since I believe you’re going to challenge us to a Duel, we can’t accept this. We already have food since I bought everybody EcDonalds Thrilllunches for the year on our budget, seeing as they last forever without going bad, and I want to avoid such a terrible filler episode as much as I can.”

“This show doesn’t work that way, boy,” the old man decided, “and as long as I, Mister Methusely, am serving up pot roast, I shall not coughcoughcoughahem retreat!” He slapped his spoon at Hassleberry, drenching him in curry.

“DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!” he howled, grabbing his burning head and directing his outrage into the heavens.

“RETURN MY STUDENTS TO ME!!” Mr. Methusely wailed. “I CHALLENGE YOU TO A ahermahermaherm Duel!!”

“… I give up…” Stephen Boyd silently scooted out of sight, revealing Bunnyear in his place.

“Eh, hi?”

“OH NO, AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU YET!!”

“I don’t think he’s Dueling,” Senkaiyoh told.

“YOU!!” Mr. Methusely cried, grabbing Hassleberry by the throat! “YOU SHALL DUEL ME, AND WHEN YOU LOSE ALL THE YELLOW CHILDREN RETURN TO MY DORM!! EHACKACKACK!!” He threw the boy down and spat out a mass of phlegm.

 

Meanwhile, behind a tree, Bonaparte and Crowler spied upon the idiotic happenings with a vengeance. “Goodness,” Bonaparte gasped, “if DOSE boys leave the Dorm, den deyuh’ll be pretty much nobody left of note!”

“And it’ll be the perfect time to get rid of that useless Dormitory!” Crowler cheered! “Think of all the extra money in the budget! We could put that extra sixty bucks into the OTHER Dorms! That’s like… the top of a new Obelisk gold fountain! You can never have too many.”

“HOLY SMOKES IT’S A CROWLER AND A BONAPARTE!!” Nancy Wut called in anguish!

“Cripes!” Crowler ducked beneath the brush. Bonaparte wobbled slightly.

“Exactly!” Bastion stated. “If we Duel him and lose, then the Red dorm will be destroyed and we can’t have any more abuse jokes about the treatment of the students! How will the audience get its jollies?!”

“Like I’d back down from a challenge like that,” Hassleberry growled with a dinosauric smile. “I feel like gamblin’ our home away!”

“SENKAIYOH!!” Senkaiyoh cheered.

“Why you?” Syrus asked.

“Because I’m overrated,” she said.

“I wish I could’ve been overrated in MY childhood,” Mr. Methusely believed. “HOWEVER, WE MUST ehem Duel each other under an extra-special set of rules.”

“State your terms,” Hassleberry ordered smugly.

“Do you know what kinds of terms they bring to kids in this series?” Stephen Boyd asked as he slid back next to him.

“It’s prob’ly just gonna be an extra rule,” he thought.

“No. Just no. Have you paid any attention?” Bunnyear asked.

“But—”

“Dude, you could probably die today, y’know,” Mann McOldsmobile insisted.

“What?”

“We JUST lost the entire DORM!” Senkaiyoh yelped, motioning to the ragtag group around them. There were no characters without names. “Gosh, all the readers are TIRED of us crying about how weird this story is!”

“You killed them at the start of the year.”

“NO!” Senkaiyoh quelled, throwing a machete at Syrus.

“EEP!!” He caught it in his now-bloody flesh.

 

“A—HACK!!” Mr. Methusely hacked, gaining attention again! “I INTRODUCE TO YOU THE caghkofghahem CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH POT ROAST SHOWDOWN THROWDOWN AMERICAN GLADIATOR EDITION!!” The earth split in half and pulled back enough to allow a giant metal aquarium ascend through into view! There was a ladder and a chair lift on either side leading up toward twin platforms, both holding plastic sofas and tables, guarding a singular plate of curry, covered in four thousand heaping pounds of curry. And a spoon. Hassleberry looked up at the limitless sky-high piles, horrified.

“He IS senile,” Omega-Xis thought.

“No. Let me explain to you the rules of our official CDMPRSTA… um… I forget the rest of the abbreviation, but I’ll still say the things about that stuff,” Mr. Methusely introduced. “We each step up to the platforms above and Duel each other from the plastic sofas of maximum plastic comfort. As we lose Life Points, we both have to eat an equal amount of curry to the Life Points we lose. And then the platforms also move back one-four-thousandth of where they are.”

“… Why the last part?” Hassleberry wondered. “Isn’t that a little excessive?”

“Nope, because the metal aquarium is full of piping-hot pot roast.”

“He’s right, I think you are senile,” Hassleberry said as he climbed his ladder.

 

“WAIT!” Syrus squalled! “DON’T CLIMB THAT LADDER!!” Hassleberry began floating up the ladder. “STOP CHEATING!! IF YOU GO UP THERE, YOU’LL GET FAT AND YOUR TASTE BUDS WILL EXPLODE WITH SPICY FLAVOR AND THEN AS YOU GET DISTRACTED YOU’LL CONTINUE TO LOSE MORE AND MORE UNTIL THE WEIRD OLD MAN DROPS YOU INTO DANGEROUS FOODSTUFFS, WHERIN YOU WILL SUFFER THIRD-DEGREE BURNS ALL OVER YOUR BODY UNLESS YOU DIE FASTER!! AND IF YOU WIN, THE OLD GUY WILL DIE INSTEAD!! NO MATTER WHO WINS, THEY ALSO LOSE!!”

“Make sense more,” Senkaiyoh asked.

“I WAS MORE SERIOUS THIS TIME!!”

“Don’t worry,” Mr. Methusely said, chewing on some too-much spicy curry, “I assure you that this is perfectly safe. Woop!” The sofa wiggled ceaselessly as the platform pulled back, spitting INFINITE STEAM from the boiling potroastquarium. (Mr. Methusely: 3900 Life Points) “I suppose that’s why you follow the rules,” he said with a shrug… and a smile.

“TAKE THAT UGLY PAPER BAG OFF YOUR UGLY FACE.”

 

Hassleberry took his place upon his recyclable throne and put his legs on the table for maximum comfort…for a guy with dino DNA, that is. “I hope you know you don’t know what you’re doing,” Stephen Boyd called.

“Please, we all know we like curry, and fast food isn’t the most filling type of vittles there is,” Hassleberry explained. “So I’m just going to win us some extra food aquariums for the big winter!”

“I believe in you!!” Syrus believed! “We can’t lose to old man Winter!”

“But can you defeat old man ME?!” Mr. Methusely asked, spitting his curry into a handkerchief.

“Don’t worry, because your dino-time is dino-DONE!!” Hassleberry punned!

“Hmph, I will show YOU dino-time, Hassleberry,” Mr. Methusely growled.

“BOO,” someone said.

 

Both Duelists pulled out their Duel Disks and began to Duel. (Hassleberry: 4000 Life Points, Mr. Methusely: 3900 Life Points) “THEN LET THE POT ROAST MATCH BEGIN!!” Mr. Methusely screeched! The metal potroastquarium responded! Dozens of irritating flashing lights began flashing along its sides! Mysterious fog flowed from parts unseen! An irritating song even played from it to signify the beginning of something really terrible!!

“AHH MY EYEZ!” Senkaiyoh screamed, flailing around helplessly, walking into the building and smashing one wall into bits!

“MAKE IT STOP!!” Bunnyear commanded, pointing a pointer finger at the metal boxkind as if it were a pistol! Her ears twitched, causing the fog and lights to cease post-haste.

“So THAT’S why you’re useful!” Bastion acknowledged, holding out his hand. “Welcome to the Bastion Baseball Wreckers Gang team, Bunnyear!”

“YESSS!” she accepted, shaking it with her prehensile ears.

 

“Let the games begin,” Mr. Methusely croaked, shakily picking up a card with his oldhands. “I play… ehm…” he squinted so as to make out the card. “Mmn… Carrot Man in Defense Mode.” A man-carrot with cartoony limbs appeared. He landed on his side, cracking open a large crack in his body. (Carrot Man: 900 Defense Points)

“That’s just lazy,” Omega-Xis declared.

“At some point, you’re just exhausted every other card idea,” sighed Stephen Boyd. He held up a Goopgop Boy Wonder trading card, based upon the ‘Goopgop: Boy Wonder’ television series.

“I love that show,” Omega-Xis sniffled with admiration.

“Next I play the Pot Roast Spell card!” Mr. Methusely announced, placing unto the field… a large boiling pot of… pot roast!! “From now on, whenever a monster is destroyed it is put into the curry instead.”

“You called it pot roast, and then curry. Which is it?” Hassleberry questioned.

“That depends. Is this the sub or the dub?”

“Dub.”

“It is a pot roast!” Mr. Methusely decided, causing the screen to rumble.

“OH NO!”

“Look out, he can’t be cooking up anything good!” Bastion called! “If my Science of Dueling means anything anymore, then that means he’s got a STRATEGY of some sort going here!”

“I summon Baby Bop and destroy the carrot!”

“YOU DON’T LISTEN, DO YOU?!”

“SHUSH UP,” Hassleberry shouted, “I GOT DINO DNA!!”

“Ulp!” everybody else gulped. He sounds… serious…ly stupid!

“Hi everyone!” roared an adorable green children’s show triceratops costume character with a pink bow. (Baby Bop: 1200 Attack Points)

“B-BARNEY?!” Bunnyear gasped, remembering her past. She cried seventeen wistful tears.

 

The baby dinosaur walked up to the carrot and tossed a yellow blankie at him. He caught fire and flipped into the pot.

“Thanks sonny, you’ve just thrown the first ingredient into the pot!” conglaturated Mr. Methusely.

“Are you sure you’re seeing right, mister?” Hassleberry asked. “I mean, he’s out of play. Forever-like.”

“No, I just questioned your eyesight. Old folk are incredible! I’d never badmouth one like that, even if they’re senile like you!”

“You lil’ pipsqueak!” Mr. Methusely yelled! “Respect your elders! I’ve been on this earth for NINE-HUNDRED YEARS, roaming around and seeing what it means to truly live! I saw the Dark Ages, the Renaissance, the fall of the Khanates! I was one of the few who survived the voyage of the Mayflower”

“You weren’t documented.”

“He IS senile!”

“and then continued to travel the world! I went to Australia back when EVERYTHING was poison and I LIVED!!”

“That’s a little extreme.”

“I’ve seen almost everything there is to see about history and have taken it all into my soul! There is no mistake, I am one of the most brilliant minds you have ever seen in your life!”

“You ate one hundred POUNDS of your Life Points.”

“Ignore that! Do you have any idea how long I’ve been old?”

“… Three,” Senkaiyoh answered.

“Three THREE-HUNDRED YEARS!!” Mr. Methusely multiplied! “Nine centuries have I existed! You little shutyourmouth cannot compare to the knowledge I am full of! All you know are dinosaurs and cards of dinosaur programming and then I… I forget! Now cease your squabulent squawking! I summon… Potato Man!” A sock puppet appeared. Its mouth area was red and its body was tubine in form. It had googly eyes glued on and everything. (Sock Man: 900 Attack Points)

“That’s no potato!” Hassleberry attacked!

 

“YOU LIE!!” Mr. Methusely cried! “FOR THAT, I SHALL USE MY SEMI-SECRET ahakagemhahem weapon card.”

“What could it be?” Syrus wondered.

“He’s gonna SPICE things up!” Ms. Dorothy said, appearing from nowhere with that Garfield cat mascot of hers that she stole.

“MEOW,” he mewed.

“Oh hell no.”

 

“I play the card Red Spice!” A bar of Old Spice™ deodorant appeared.

“Old Spice,” Stephen Boyd pointed out.

“RED Spice, newcomer!” The bar of deodorant flew around the field, rubbing itself all over the dinosaur and the sock puppet!

“Oh no! Look out, black kid!” Ms. Dorothy cried!

“DISCRIMINATION!!”

“You guys don’t know Mr. Methusely’s techniques! He’ll knock you into last week! OR WORSE!!” Ms. Dorothy cried!

“Great, now they’re BOTH senile!”

 

“WAAAAAAHHH!!” Baby Bop screamed, falling on her back and writhing in pain. The Red Spice was too much for her! (Baby Bop: 1200 -> 900 Attack Points)

“Mah mah mah,” the puppet exclaimed. (Sock Man: 900 -> 1200 Attack Points)

“My Red Spice card decreases the power of your monsters by three-hundred points, and then increases my Potato’s power by the same amount. Then I attack your Baby Bop.” Mr. Methusely’s deodorized sock bounced into the baby dino! Luckily she put him on her fat dinofoot, causing him to rip into pieces.

“NOOOOOOoh yum,” Mr. Methusely gulped, swallowing some eight hundred heaping pounds of curry. (Methusely: 3100 Life Points) The platform beneath his feet began to slowly-yet-jerkily retract itself, causing his plastic sofa to snap in half. “What happened?!”

“When Baby Bop gets attacked, she switches modes into Defense mode every time!” Hassleberry explained. (Baby Bop: 2000 Defense Points) “Are you about finished yet?”

“No, of course not!” Mr. Methusely decided, spewing dribbledrops of curry from his mouth with a vengeance. “Would an old man declare defeat?”

“You should, seeing as you’re blind as a senile!” Senkaiyoh assured.

“That’s nice,” Mr. Methusely replied. “I play Spell Spice Cinnamon!” A large churro appeared on the field.

“That’s no cinnamon, that’s a snack!” Bastion called!

“You shall know the allure of the cinnamon by the time I am done with you!”Mr. Methusely announced, lifting the bar of yum as if it were a hefty stick of cinnamon. “Uuuurgh… aahhhh…”

“Sir, you should stop Dueling. You’re overexerting yourself picking up a picture of a churro.”

“CINNAMON!!” He tossed the food, causing it to flip right over the divide between them, and rolling it all the way over to Hassleberry’s foot.

“You missed.”

“MMM, YUMMY!!” Baby Bop cried, diving for the snack! She dove, crashing into Hassleberry like a ton of hungry brickdinosaurs. Hassleberry felt the holographic pain!

 

“Umnumnummy,” nom-ed Baby Bop, chewing on a churro. The ruined Sock Man had taken this opportunity to escape! So he was ripped into pieces and floated away to Mr. Methusely’s field. The perfect escape. (Ripped-Up Sock Man: 800 Defense Points, Baby Bop: 900 Attack Points)

“So both our monsters switched positions. And I set one card.” Mr. Methusely set one card.

 

“Hmph, giving a dinosaur a churro? Do you even know how to take care of dinos?” Hassleberry asked, outraged.

“You bite your tongue!” Mr. Methusely barked. “You have never even SEEN a real live dinosaur!”

“But you’re only nine-hundred!”

“AAAHH!! HE’S FALLING FOR IT!!” Syrus wailed!

“Now I’m tired of all this face-to-bag Dueling!” Hassleberry decided! “Remove the bag! I wanna know who I’m up against!”

“I told you, I am Magical Knight Curryman!” Mr. Methusely upheld.

“Fire!” Senkaiyoh announced, shooting a flamethrower Mr. Methusely’s way. The bag began to burn.

“Whoop!” Mr. Methusely cried, throwing the bag to the ground and stomping the flames out… or should I say… Ms. FONDA FONTAINE?!

 

“WHAT a TWEEST!!” Bastion screamed!

“Why, Ms. Fontaine?” Syrus asked. “Why would you try to Duel students to death with curry? That’s not how nurses work. They make people NOT fall in the curry!”

“It’s pot roast,” Fonda Fontaine growled (and, wow, she had the exact same voice as earlier), “and this changes nothing! I’m not through with you!”

“Yeah, it changes a lot,” Hassleberry noted duly, now twitching excessively, “but I’m still going to win because…” He turned to the audience. They shrugged and shook their heads.

“Honor?” Stephen Boyd considered.

“Screw that.”

“Loyalty?” Syrus suggested.

“Screw that.”

“Do we still get the pot roast aquarium?”

“WHO’S HUNGRY FOR JUSTICE?!” Hassleberry rallied!

“It’s POT ROAST!”

 

“I’m sacrificing my Baby Bop for Greymon in Attack Mode!” Hassleberry announced, causing his small baby dinosaur costumed character actor to be CONSUMED by a rising orange dinosaur of recurring importance.

“GREYMON, RAAAH!!” he roared! (Greymon: 2400 Attack Points) “Bleh.” He spat out a chunk of the predecessor and it flew into the holographic pot roast pot.

“Ew, do we have to eat that later?” Ms. Dorothy asked.

“Greymon, crush that last scrap of sock!”

“NOVA BLAST!!” Greymon cried, breathing a massive fireball of fire at the sockscrap! It burned. Then the wind picked up and it flew into the pot roast.

“NOOOOOOO!” Ms. Fontaine screamed as sixteen hundred metric pounds of curry flew into her mouth. Luckily, much of it was stored in her cheeks rather than her stomach. They were astronomical in size. (Ms. Fontaine: 1500 Life Points)

“And you know what else I’m cooking?” Hassleberry challenged.

“Pain soup?” Senkaiyoh guessed.

“Cupcakes?” Omega-Xis guessed.

“These GREAT Thrilllunches!” Mann McOldsmobile advertised, holding up a balanced lunch and a kid’s toy.

“No, I’m cooking up—”

“COUNTER SPICE CUMEN!” Ms. Fontaine somehow announced, flipping up a Trap card featuring some… Cumen? I dunno. It was some yellow stuff in a bottle.

“No, that’s not it, either.”

“I know that, but when my monster falls I can summon a new monster from my deck!” Ms. Fontaine explained, summoning… an onion. (An Onion: 1200 Attack Points)

“Really?” Syrus asked. “Are you trying, or is this just padding?”

“A little of both, Syrus,” she told, “a little of both.”

“I was SAYING I’m cooking up some REPTAR!!” A Trap card flipped up, featuring a dinosaur looking at a fruit snack. “I play Dino Wants In on the Action!” The card art portrayed a dinosaur going to meet his kindergarten “friends” at a small children’s funpark. Reptar appeared, in all his green Rugrats™ glory. “Now… I can summon Reptar!” Hassleberry concluded. Reptar ate the garlic. Then he reached into his mouth, pulled out the onion skin, and threw it into the pot roast. “No, man! Not in there!” Hassleberry cried!

“I thought it was a trash can!” Reptar chuckled, signaling some canned laughter.

“WAUUUUUUUUGH!!!” Fonda screeched as .75 tons of food flew into her mouf. Her cheeks ballooned to the point at which they became awkward to look at. The floor retracted to one-fortieth its original state, forcing her to balance herself on the back legs of her table, somehow balancing her last one hundred pounds of food perfectly.

“That’s the most awkward sight I’ve ever seen,” Stephen Boyd decided. “I’m going inside.” He walked into the building.

 

“So are you about ready to give it up, ma’am?” Hassleberry asked. “You’re balancing on the back of a table with over three-thousand pounds of curry in your mouth. There’s no chance! Oh wait.” He looked. His Greymon and Reptar were flailing head-down in the stew of roast.

“Hm hm hm, you fool!” Fonda assumed! “I’m activating the special ability of my Curry Pot!”

“Which IS it?!”

“NEITHER!!” she roared, causing the pot to suck the two beings inside! “I’m destroying my pot to summon a new monster, fueled by every other card that has been removed from the game up to this point! Sooooooo…!!” The pot exploded, throwing a fat brontosaurus onto the field. “It’s Curry Pot Roast Dinosaur!”

“Uuuhh, beware my power?” it begged. (Curry Pot Roast Dinosaur: ? Attack Points)

“Screw this too.” Hassleberry began to walk home.

“NO WAIT, I’M SERIOUS!!” Fonda cried! “My monster gains two hundred points for each Spell or Trap I’ve used and three hundred for every monster from the game! That means something!”

“Hmm,” Ms. Dorothy figured, counting upon her fingers, “three secret herbs and spices, six creepy dinosaurs and men makes nine! That’s ninety!”

“Yes!” Senkaiyoh accepted, hi-fiving her face.

 

“RAAAAAA TWENTYFOURHUNDRED!” the dinosaur explained. (the Dinosaur: 2400 Attack Points)

“Oh no!” Hassleberry screamed! “I’m going to set a face-down!” He set a face-down. “I sure am safe now!”

“Fufufufufu,” Ms. Fontaine chuckled vilely, dribbling all sorts of currydrops from her mouth disgustingly, “prepare to take me seriously!”

“You were to be taken seriously?”

“OBLIGATORY POT OF GREED!!” A pot of greediness appeared and began to jig.

“Hee hee hee, I’m EVERYWHERE!!”

“NOOOOO!!” Omega-Xis screamed. The pot exploded, sending two cards into the evil nurse’s hands.

“Next I play the card Spell Spice Carry Away!” What looked like a soda can with a smiley face appeared.

“Go ahead!” he suggested.

“Now you lose two hundred Life Points,” Ms. Fontaine exposited, “and I GAIN two hundred Life Points.” The can motioned toward Hassleberry. “PTOOH!!” She disgustingly spat two HUNDRED pounds of curry into Hassleberry.

“DAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!” he screamed! “BLEEGGGGHH!!” His tongue shimmied out of his mouth, popping all over with pain! “OOOOOOWWW!! OOG, OOOGGHH!!” The mess physically forced itself into his stomach.

“See ya on the flip side!” it laughed. (Ms. Fontaine: 300 Life Points, Hassleberry: 3800 Life Points) Hassleberry began rolling unnaturally all along the metal platform as it inched backward.

“OOOOOOOOOHHHH MAAAAAAAAAN!!” everyone screeched.

“AAAAAHHHH!!” The taste buds upon his tongue began popping in a painful fashion! It was nearly as painful as swallowing two hundred pounds of pre-digested curry!

“TOLD YOU!!” Syrus squalled!

 

“WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!” Hassleberry hissed.

“Fu fu fu fu fu.”

“Hee hee ha ha,” laughed the dinosaur. (Curry Pot Roast Dinosaur: 2400 -> 2600 Attack Points)

“STOP THAT LAUGH!”

“You’ll understand in a little while,” Ms. Fontaine warned warningly. “Next I activate Mixed Spice Garamasala!” A bottle of what appeared to be wood shavings appeared. The dinosaur ate it. Its mouth bled. “Sure, the name may be a little bit funny,” Ms. Fontaine explained. “But its effect is no laughing matter. I can add three Spice or Old Spice™ cards into my hand from my deck!” She held out another Old Spice™ and two Carry Away cards.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” Two cans of pop appeared. They smiled.

“BLECGH!!” Fontaine vomited, shooting four hundred more pounds of flaming curry into Hassleberry.

“BLECGH!!” all the onlookers vomited, disgusted.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” Hassleberry groaned, spitting thousands of now-useless taste buds. His tears filled the world with even more misery. (Ms. Fontaine: 700 Life Points, Hassleberry: 3400 Life Points)

“Owmp,” she swallowed, consuming roughly thirty-four hundred pounds of curry. “NOW do you feel roughly the same amount of pain and misery I have throughout me entire life?!”

“Daaahh!! Gaaahhhh…” He quickly pulled a nice cool card out from his deck and began rubbing it along his tongue to relieve the pain. Sadly it was a ‘Dinosaur on Fire’ Spell card. “AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHH!!!” Hassleberry moaned as he ripped the card in two. His head began to burn and he fell, unable to stand the sheer spice-disgust combo.

“STAND!!” Fontaine ordered. He instantly flipped upward.

“Huh HA!” the dinosaur chuckled, being rubbed all over by deodorant. (the Dinosaur: 3700 Attack Points)

 

“C-come on Hassleberry,” Syrus called, gripping his ‘tomach, “you can still do it. Don’t g-give up?” He fell over and spasmed.

“Want me to kill her for it?” Senkaiyoh asked, pushing a drill into her back.

“N-not n-now,” Hassleberry told. “I want to finish th-this on m-my… GWAH!!” He spat more pain.

“Don’t do it,” Bastion warned, “because you just may get… INDIGESTION.”

“That’s not funny,” Mann McOldsmobile said.

“He tried, okay?!” Omega-Xis warned.

“Oh, there is no hope for you, Hassleberry,” Ms. Fontaine warned, for she was wearing a facial expression of pure hate! “I WILL NOW TEACH YOU THE TRUE MEANING OF DESPAIR!!” She ripped her face off, revealing herself to be… MISTER METHUSELY IN A PAPER BAG MASK WITH A FIRE DRAWN ON IT!!!!! “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”

“GASP!!” he gasped! “WHO ARE YOU?!”

“… Are you serious?” Mr. Methusely turned to the participating audience.

“You’re…” Senkaiyoh said, holding her arm toward him. She didn’t lower it.

“Aren’t you…” Bastion couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“You CAN’T be serious, guys!” Bunnyear groaned. “He’s the one from earlier! He was disguised as himself!”

Everybody ignored her. “IGNORE!” they said.

 

“I guess the shock from earlier was so much it confused you people,” Mr. Methusely excused. “I am the greatest, oldest man in the world, your RA YELLOW HEADMASTER SINCE THE SCHOOL’S INCEPTION, MISTER METHUSELcoughkarkhaelakjdfff!!” He coughed out several pounds of curry. His platform moved out a little bit. “Hassleberry Tyranno, I am going to make you my female dog! Curry Pot Roast Dinosaur, attack Hassleberry! End the match… BY GOING BACK. IN. TIME.”

“By golly!” The dinosaur caused both Duelists to fall into the pot roast aquarium.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Hassleberry screamed.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” the audience screamed.

“BLOOP,” the pot roast of curry screamed as the two players fell in.

“… If they’re both dead,” Ms. Dorothy wondered, “then can we go home?”

“MEOW,” Garfield groaned.

 

SIXTY-FIVE MILLION YEARS EARLIER…

Upon a stony hill, a young man in a paper bag mask began mixing together a steel aquarium full of curry with the help of some small dinosaur friends. “Boy, I sure am glad I have dinosaur buddies from the ancient past to help me with this,” he sighed. Hassleberry and Mr. Methusely popped out of the brew. They stared.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!” The duo leaped out and flipped down the hill into the ancient jungle below. Random dinosaurs were racing about in utter abject terror!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” screamed a brontosaurus.

“WOAOAOAOAOAAAA!!” screamed a terrydactle.

“HOOOOAAAAAAAHHHH!!” screamed a velociraptor with teeth.

“Buhuh, ehackakak…” Hassleberry spat out a mound of approximately six hundred points of curry onto the ancient forest and regained his composure. “Wha… what’d you do, Magical Curry Knight? And didn’t you say you’re nine hundred?”

“MISTER METcoughcoughjihajkhfoisauflsdkfjhusely. And I came to show you, Hassleberry, ruined my life, in the past, in the future of this present!” Mr. Methusely described. “And nine hundred is the new fifty million. Which is the new sixty-five million.”

“Eh?”

“Merely look above your head!” he ushered. Amidst the rushing dinosaurs was a tremendous shower of asteroids and one giant meteor careening towards the planet, nearly consuming the view of the entire sky.

“WHAT?!” Hassleberry grabbed Mr. Methusely by the mask! “WHY would you send us to the END of the dinosaur era?! As in, WHEN EVRYBODY DIES?!”

“Fool, it was all YOUR fault!!” Mr. Methusely said.

“I KILLED EVERYTHING?! HOW?!”

“No, I mean it was your fault that we had to come here. Over there, on that craggedy mount, is me as a youngboy!” The bagman pointed to the bagboy, who was still stupidly unaware of his plight. He played patty-cake with his dinosaur buddies. “And now as revenge, I will let you die via tremendous meteor!”

“That didn’t explain anything!” Hassleberry shouted. “Argh, I don’t care!” The dinoboy ran up the rocky mountainface, dragging the old man with him.

“Hassleberry, what are you doing?” Mr. Methusely asked.

“I’m not just going to let time repeat itself and kill all the dinosaurs!” Hassleberry answered. “BECAUSE I GOT DINO DNA.”

“Me too. Both my parents were dinosaurs, but that’s still no excuse.”

 

The pair made it next to the smaller version of the old idjit, who still didn’t seem to care. “Psst,” Mr. Methusely whispered, “make sure to get revenge on me in the future, okay me?”

“Okay,” Mr. Methusely Jr. Sr. accepted, setting his life on the long, hard road of revenge.

“Don’t go telling him that!” Hassleberry said. “Now just you watch, I’m not going to die here because of your half-baked sixty-five million year-old plan!” The meteor was coming in close.

“Oh is that a meteor?” Mr. Methusely Jr. Sr. asked.

“Sorry boy, I don’t speak dinosaur,” Mr. Methusely declined.

“Yes you are.”

“Guys,” Hassleberry warned. The meteor was under fifty-thousand feet away.

“Dinosaur isn’t just a language; it’s a way of life!” Mr. Methusely declared. “How can I relate to you?”

“It’s also called speaking English,” Mr. Methusely Jr. Sr. told.

“GUYS,” Hassleberry warned. The meteor was three seconds away.

“I don’t speak English. I’m Japanese.”

“All Japanese people speak English. Even I know that.”

“Touché.”

“AW SCREW THIS TOO!!” Hassleberry cried. He held Mr. Methusely above his head as a human shield.

“This was supposed to happen, you know,” Mr. Methusely explained.

“I see, I’ll get revenge then,” Mr. Methusely Jr. Sr. accepted.

“I PLAY THE TRAP CARD SURVIVAL INSTINCT!!”

 

Mr. Methusely took the entire impact of the meteor that destroyed all of the world’s dinosaur population.

 

“From the stars of the ancient past, they come to play but they never la-hast.”

-Pokemon

 

Hassleberry and a charred, burnt, broken Mr. Methusely whose spine went all the wrong ways flew out of the curry back into the current day upon Kaibaland Duel Academy Island. “Woah, that was weird,” Hassleberry concluded.

“Hey they’re back from the curry,” Syrus noticed. “Even better is that they haven’t been burnt to cinders!”

“You can thank the meteor for that one!” Hassleberry said.

“YOU went back in TIME?!” Senkaiyoh exclaimed.

“Yes but I didn’t say that yet.”

“WOAH!!” Senkaiyoh said.

“Time travel?! That’s impossible,” Bunnyear decided.

“No, it works,” Mr. Methusely with his spine going in all the wrong directions explained, “because this is the same metal aquarium full of curry that I had been making sixty-five million years ago. “

“YOU EXPLAIN NOTHING! PLUS THAT WAS POT ROAST EARLIER!!”

“IT IS CURRY!!” Mr. Methusely with his spine going in all the wrong directions shouted.

“He does have a point there,” Bastion figured.

“But now!” Mr. Methusely claimed, pointing to his Curry Pot Roast Dinosaur.

“Huh huh huh huh!” he chuckled. (the Dinosaur: 3700 Attack Points)

“Since you have seen my TRUE motivation, Hassleberry, I can finish you off with good reason and nothing to regret!”

“What’d he do?”

“He used me to deflect the meteor that KILLED ALL THE DINOSAURS!! Which by the way are still dead.”

“Fiddlesticks!” Hassleberry complained.

 

“So prepare to go back into the ancient past and get killed the same way the dinosaurs did: eventual cold and hunger!!” Mr. Methusely roared! “Use coughjgailaheke.j.!”

“Hooyah!” the Curry Pot Roast Dinosaur cried, leaping toward Hassleberry.

“I SAID I use Survival Instinct!” Hassleberry re-announced, flipping face-up a Trap, showing some dinosaurs running about during the dinopacalypse. “By removing two Dinosaur-type monsters from my hand from play, I can gain one thousand Life Points!” He discarded Charizard and The Main Character From the Nineties Sitcom Dinosaurs from his hand. He was hit by two holographic meteors. He grew four hundred pounds of curry upon his plate. His metallic platform slid out too far, causing it to drop into the curry bath below. He slowly began to sink into the ancient past. (Hassleberry: 4400 Life Points)

“I DON’T CARE!!” Mr. Methusely sobbed. “MY um whatever kind of eherm DINOSAUR ATTACKS!!” (the Dinosaur: 3700 -> 4300 Life Points)

“Uhuhuh!!” the Curry Pot Roast Dinosaur laughed, splashing some piping-hot curry onto Hassleberry’s hand.

“AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! IT BURNS!!” he said.

“Didn’t it hurt when you flew into it a second ago?” Omega-Xis asked.

“That was my whole body, though,” Hassleberry waved it off. (Hassleberry: 100 Life Points) The giant pile of curry in Hassleberry’s face began to topple.

“FLY, MY CURRY!!” Mr. Methusely cried! “FLY INTO THE MOUTH!!” Hassleberry pushed the table. The plate of curry fell into the pot roast aquarium.

 

“Bwahahahahahaahackaherm,” Mr. Methusely cackled, “I’m almost there! I’ve almost achieved my lifelong dream!”

“All you did was ask yourself to do it, and you didn’t even sound all that impassioned.”

“Maybe he IS senile!” Ms. Dorothy noted.

“It doesn’t matter!” Mr. Methusely complained. “You made me get hit by a giant meteor! It’s all your fault and it hurt! Now you’re going to feel all the pain that has snowballed within my heart over my endless life!”

“On the other hand it wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t Duel me anyways,” Hassleberry said.

“… Don’t even suggest that.”

“But he’s right!” Syrus said. “You really don’t think things through.”

 

“… AND THEN MY DORM SHALL HAVE STUDENTS IN IT AGAIN!!”

“That’s not what you came here for.”

“How would YOU know?!” Mr. Methusely called out. “You only know how to wear women’s clothing!”

“He’s right y’know!” Senkaiyoh answered.

“Lookie here,” Hassleberry decided. “If you came here because of a beef with me, I have a solution!” The dinoboy’s eyes somehow changed into those of a dinosaur’s. “We have to go back to the ancient past.”

“WOAH! WHAT’S WITH THOSE EYES?!” Syrus and Bunnyear screeched! “ARE THEY GECKO EYES?! ARE THEY GOING TO GO IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS?!”

“Nope,” Hassleberry disagreed as his eyes stretched out of his head, similarly to a chameleon’s.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”

“Time to draw the one card I need to win the game and save the future and the past at THE SAME TIME!!” Hassleberry drew a card. “Now! I summon Infinite Tyranno, Tyrannosaurus Rex of All the Other Dinosaurs!!” A green tyrannosaurus rex appeared. It had electrical horns and everything.

“ReErAwRaR!!” it bellowed. (IT,TRoAtOD: Processing…) An intense aura of energy grew from its body and encased the entire aquarium.

 

“Wait, why is it processing?” Mr. Methusely asked, wary of this dinosaur-related dinosaur.

“Because this monster has the power of ALL the dinosaurs from across time inside of its body!” Hassleberry told. “It may as well be INFINITY power!!”

“THAT’S RIIIIIIIIGHT!!” Infinite Tyranno, Tyrannosaurus Rex of All the Other Dinosaurs shouted in agreement! (IT,TRoAtOD: 65,000,000 Attack Points)

“WHAAAAAAAAA!!!!” the world gasped.

“Heh heh, sixty-five million,” said Syrus. “That’s funny!”

“Im…possible!” Mr. Methusely muttered. “Nobody could ever make such a stupidly powerful card…”

“It’s because they didn’t!” Hassleberry said. “Now come with me!”

“Okay Tyranno Hassleberry,” Mr. Methusely conceded, “I will help you to help me help you help me help me from the past. You have my trust!”

“Good!” Hassleberry leaped onto his tyrannosaurus monster, grabbed Mr. Methusely and leaped into the curry once more. Because it was not pot roast.

“… I’m bored again!” Senkaiyoh decided.

 

SIXTY-FIVE MILLION! YEARS!! EARLIER!!!

The two guys and dinosaur smashed through the fabric of space in order to land in the jungle via rip in the air. They looked upward. The meteors were falling.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!” screamed a rude brontosaurus getting all up in Hassleberry’s grill. It sounded kind of like a screaming dog.

“I’m one of you,” he told it softly. It understood. The brontosaurus allowed the group to climb aboard its magnificent head. Then an asteroid smashed it, sending the trio of tpower onto the rocky mount of previous significance, whereupon Mr. Methusely Jr. Sr. was playing Snakes and Ladders with his forest friends.

“I sunk your battleship,” he told them.

Meanwhile, the environment-ruining meteor was almost right upon them all.

 

“Kid!” Hassleberry ushered!

“Sorry, I don’t speak English,” Mr. Methusely Jr. Sr. said.

“It’s okay, we all speak dinosaur!” Mr. Methusely explained. “Now please look closely! We’re going to FIX THE ANCIENT PAST.” The two futuremen leaped off of the longly-named tyrannosaurus rex monster.

“Now, IT,TRoAtOD,” Hassleberry cried, extending his eyes to their furthest length, “DO YOUR THING.”

“OKAY,” it accepted. Suddenly, Infinite Tyranno, Tyrannosaurus Rex of All the Other Dinosaurs began to change shape! One second it was a velociraptor! The next it was a woolly mammoth! Then an apatosaurus, and then a mousketeer! It took every form of every ancient creature into its body, charged infinity electricity into its horns, and prepared to fire.

 

He held Mr. Methusely above his head as a human shield. Mr. Methusely took the entire impact of the meteor that destroyed all of the world’s dinosaur population. (Death Count Season Two: 2503)

 

“We are living. Living in the ancient past. We are fighting. Fighting in the ancient past.”

-Tough Dinosaur

 

SIXTY-FIVE MILLION! YEARS!! LATER!!!

Hassleberry and Mr. Methusely Jr. Sr. popped out of the curryquarium and back into the future. “I won!” Hassleberry exclaimed, causing his eyes to return to normalcy. (Hassleberry: WINNER)

“We saved the ancient past!” Mr. Methusely Jr. Sr.

“Yay!” Senkaiyoh cheered. “Where’s Mr. Methusely?”

“He’s dead, he can’t come back,” Mr. Methusely Jr. Sr. said. Then he climbed out of the curry and walked toward the island’s volcano.

“Wait… why’s he dead?” Bunnyear dreaded.

“Don’t SWEAT it!” Ms. Dorothy joked.

“MEOW,” Garfield mewed.

“Now I’ll drink to that!” Mann McOldsmobile assured.

“AAAHAHAHAHAHA!!” the world chuckled.

 

ONE! MOMENT!! LATER!!!

Everybody on the scene was eating out of the curryquarium with their favorite wooden spoons. “Mmm, the age really brings out the flavor! Like me!” Mann McOldsmobile complimented.

“It tastes terrible,” Bunnyear sniveled.

“It’s a bit spicy for me,” Bastion remarked, sucking it in with his Omega-Xis arm.

“Do what I was taught!” Ms. Dorothy suggested. “Just keep swallowing it and it will be alright!”

“Oho!” Bastion agreed as his taste buds bubbled with pain.

“It’s terrible!” Senkaiyoh said.

“Oh guys,” Stephen Boyd cried, walking back onto the scene, “you can’t just eat food that’s been sitting out for SIXTY-FIVE MILLION YEARS!!”

“Umnumnummy,” Bonaparte snacked as some curry ran out from his wooden mouth.

“Hey Sen, looks like your dad’s just said a MOUFFULL!!” Hassleberry cried.

“HA HA HA HA HA!” Syrus chuckled. “It still tastes bad though.”

 

“Ha ha ha remember I’m lost,” Jaden chuckled, walking out of the waterfall in the island’s forest. “When’d we get that waterfall again?”

 

[spoiler=NEXT EPISODE:]Now that we all know where JADEN is, what is SARTORIUS up to, and WHY does he need ZANE TRUESDALE to DO IT? Angry McArgue guest stars as a hardened young criminal out to seek her own type of justice! What could happen when all three worlds collide on the inside? NEXT WEEK: Zane's Final Decision! Aster Phoenix Strikes Again! Also there is a baby in it!

 

 

[Weather Report - Stand]

It's Seventy-One. It's also about Zane. I'm sadly only two episodes ahead at this point, so I may have to put this on hiatus to catch up in another month or two. Just sayin'. Now go read about Zane fighting an idiot in a cage.

 

[spoiler=Episode 71: No Pain, No Game]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. The Fan Fic

Episode 71: Zaney Antics!: An Exercise in Futility!

 

Jaden walked along the boring expanses of the forest all alone. “Boy,” he joked, “the only thing worse than bein’ lost is bein’ hungry AND lost! Ahohohohoyoyoyoyo.”

“You ain’t lost!” Grand Mole explained, popping out from behind.

“Oh yeah yo, I gots Duel Spirits wit’ me!” Jaden recalled. “Remember? Yeah? Remember that guys? HMMM?”

“They sure do, daddy-o,” Dark Panther assured. “We’s as memorable as some slick boyos doin’ their thing to the city beat.”

“What’re you talking about?”

“I don’t know,” Dark Panther admitted, snapping his fingers to a beat that wasn’t there.

“Hehey, don’t worry!” Flare Scarab told. “You don’t have to worry about THAT lame guy, because you’ve got me!”

“And me!” Avian said.

“OOH!!” Winged Kuriboh said.

“MHM!!” Elemental Hero Neos said.

“WHY DO I GET ALL THE STUPID SPIRITS?!” Jaden sobbed! “YOU ALL INFURIATE MEEEEHEHEEE!!” He ran off into the forest, bumping into bushes and branches all the way.

“What’s eatin’ him?” Winged Kuriboh asked.

 

Jaden flailed on ahead until tripping over a rudely-placed bunch of magazine stacks! “WHOOP!” Jaden cried, slipping all over the newsprint! “Yech! What’s with all these ‘zines?” Upon minor inspection, they all featured Zane Truesdale and Cyber End Dragon during some swimsuit photo shoots. “’Zines about Zane? These look to be ‘bout from when he was still undefeated. Like… three days ago or something. That means something. Something about today’s episode. I wonder…” Jaden figured it out!

 

He set the magazines on fire and roasted some tasty leaves over them! They were full of vitamin C. “Best plot ever, yo,” he decided.

 

MEANWHILE, AT SYRUS…

Syrus was sitting alone at a bench within the Slifer eating area, looking wistfully at a newspaper. “Oh Zane,” he sighed. He looked at a photo of Zane, published with a moustache, eyepatch and missing tooth in every paper. The caption below read ‘hes dumb! ha har’ “I can’t believe you’re the butt of everyone’s jokes now. Apparently you’ve lost ten Duels in eight episodes. That’s, like, impossible. You’re even worse than me now. It’s like you’re somehow trying to lose on purpose because the mob has you hostage and if you win they’ll lose a lot of money so they’ll make you sleep with the fishes… the fishes with the sharp teeth and stuff. I gotta go save my brother,” Syrus decided, walking off with ammunition strapped to his chest and four AK-47s in his arms.

 

Along the way he passed by Tyranno Hassleberry and Piggybank. “Poor kid,” Hassleberry sighed, “going off to mess with the mob for all the wrong reasons.”

“I know that if my sibling was being held hostage, I’d at least take some explosives,” Piggybank reasoned. “How’s Alexis doing?” The two yellowbellies peered in closer.

“OUTTA MY WAY,” Alexis ordered, shoving the two out of her way. She walked after Syrus, covered from head to toe with explosives and firearms.

“Uh, guys! Wait!” Bastion called, walking onto the scene. “Wait… oh well, they’ll get it sooner or later.”

“What?” Piggybank asked. “What’re you going to tell them? I WILL DO IT FOR YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.”

“I wanted to tell them about Zane’s next matchup tonight.” Bastion held up a picture of a baby with a checkered past. It had some cheek, chin and chest scars that just let you know how hardcore he really was.

“So you mean he’s going to obviously win?” Piggybank asked. “I mean, Zane eats babies for breakfast. He can’t lose.”

“This baby has killed a man in the ring,” Bastion dreadfully explained, “several times. And he’s also been known to play gladiatorial bouts from time to time in Ancient Rome. And he’s won ‘Badass Baby of the Year’ four times in a row.”

“But then how is he still a baby?” Hassleberry asked. “A baby only counts for like three years in a row at most!”

“He won it the first time as an embryo.”

“OH SHIP.”

 

EARLIER! THAT!! DUEL!!!

Zane Truesdale had Dueled the night before, and it was terrible. His field was covered in glistening ham and the opponent had just summoned a Lolwut. “Attack him directly with whatever!” The Opponent shouted.

“Lol,” Lolwut said.

“UUUUU, UUUUUGHHH!!” Zane growled in pain. (Zane: -98 Life Points, Game Over)

“And that’s the game, folks,” sighed the announcer. “I wish I had listened to Maw and gone to Clown College.”

“BOOOOOOO!” shouted the normally-adoring public. “YOU STINK!!”

“Even me?!” questioned The Opponent.

“EVEN YOU BOOOO!!” The Opponent was covered in trash within milliseconds. Zane turned around and left the stage.

“HA HA ZANE YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR NAME TO LAME!”

“LAME TRUESDAEL!!”

“GET IT LAME ZANE LAMEZANE!! CYBER DRAGONS SUCK BECAUSE THEYR SHINY.”

Zane ignored it to the best of his ability and retreated to his waiting area.

 

As he showered, as all Duelists do after a long hard game of cards and magic, he recalled an earlier scene from that evening, pushing us even FURTHER back the timeline. He and Angry McArgue were sitting in an eating establishment with his former boss, Pops, a dandy man with a sticklike body and a big round pink head. “Oh Mister Truesdale,” Pops lamented as their plates had been cleared away, “it seems to me that your record as of late is… most distressing.”

“You mean because Zane’s been losing every Duel for the past eight episodes?” Angry McArgue recalled.

“No, I mean because he hasn’t played a single card for the last several Duels,” Pops explained, tilting his top hat in shame.

“Well…” Angry McArgue couldn’t argue with that. She remembered how a few days ago Zane had been Dueling at a water park. All he did was hold onto twenty cards and call it his hand. The sea lion trainers got pretty randy with him there, but it was a good thing he got all that cardboard insured. What a disaster. The pasta sauce would never wash out.

“Mister Truesdale,” Pops addressed with uncomfortability, twiddling his white moustache between his fast fingers, “I understand that recently you’ve been passed on from company to company as of late. SomethingCorp™, Grape Jelly Security Ltd.©, ‘Nure Co., and finally, to us at the Dum-Dum Pops™ branch of Spangler Candies©. Our shareholders have all decided that we don’t care much for your type of Dueling, and as such, you are no longer a part of our candy family. You’re paying for your own meal.” Pops quickly stood up and ran out the door. “DON’T CHASE ME!! AHAHAHAHAAAH!!” screamed he.

“W-WAIT A SECOND!!” Angry McArgue shouted! She picked up a fancy metal chair and hurled it out the window into the streets, striking Pops in the back of the skull. Lollipops flew everywhere.

 

“…” said Zane silently, staring at the table.

“But Zane, really, why haven’t you been doing anything?” Angry McArgue questioned. “I mean, ANYTHING. You haven’t made any effort to take me back to the rest of my family, you aren’t playing cards anymore, you aren’t even able to survive on your own anymore! It’s scaring me.”

“…”

“… Even ‘Nure Co. left you. …They deal in manure, in case you couldn’t tell.”

“…”

“That means they were desperate.”

“…”

“… I’m going outside to get some lollipops,” Angry McArgue decided. “Maybe they’ll accept it as payment for the lobster.”

 

Zane looked down at his feet as the charmingly freezing shower water rolled down his body. He wished they had been able to afford warm waterfluids.

 

LATER! THE NEXT!! DAY!!!

Zane walked down a dark corridor filled with pipes for almost no reason. There were several dark pathways filled with murderers and muggers. Some rats were having a picnic with their decaying human corpse friends along the wall. Zane paid them all no mind, for he was Zane. “Hey, ovuh theyuh” crooned a diabolically irritating voice. Zane stopped dead in his tracks in a pile of forgotten flesh! He looked around for the newcomer. “Hah, Zayun, I heah yuh hayuv a Duel latah ohn t’nighte,” the all-new evil Texan character greeted. “I’m yuh fairy godmothah, Badguy Bill. A playzure ta meeyut chyall.” The man walked into the incredibly dim light. His featured matched up with a significantly standard mystery villain; his face looked skull-ish, and he wore a traditional crook’s top hat, impossibly-reflective spectacles, Closed-Eyes Black™ coat and some boots-combo outfit.

“Says who?” Zane gasped.

“Ah, youah juss as nuttih as they tol’ me,” Badguy Bill chuckled. “Ah’ll cut to the quick. Wanna be eyuhvul?”

“Buzz off, pal,” Zane grumbled.

“But suh, I ayum one Badguy Bill! Yuh cayun’t juss be tellin me tuh up’n buzz ohff. Thayut’s juss bayud mannehs.”

“Really? How’s that?” Zane groaned.

 

“Ah Zayun, Imma juss gonna lay everehthin out.” Badguy Bill pushed himself into Zane’s grill, showing off his bushy eyebrows of fear! “Mah employeh Miyustuh Shrayowd wants yu tuh sponsuh us, down at good ol’ Eyuhvul Korp.” He showed him his ‘Eyuhvul Korp’ suitcase, complete with logo featuring a freaky castle with some bats. Under that it read, ‘Weyuh really ah uh bayud comp’ney.’ “If yu join uhs,” Badguy Bill promised, “we’yull give yuh powuh and weayulth b’yond yuh wild’st dreums! An all yuh hayuf t’do is siyugn a contrayuct.” He held up a black piece of parchment, covered with rules and regulations written in white ink. Pictures of fires wiggled around the letters in full-motion, obviously firing off the Danger Alarm in six different continents!! Zane scribbled his name over it in his own blood!

 

“Wayull, hawt dowg!” Badguy Bill cheered as the contract burned itself to ashes. “Zayun, you wiyull NOHT be dissapoyunted! We ah gunna staht reyunventun yuh frum th’bottom up. It’s gunna be liyuk Frankeyunstiyun, onleh wiyuth moah ACKSHUN!”

“How’s that?” Zane asked again.

“Boyuh, yew really ah a strayut shewteh,” Badguy Bill decided. “T’niyught yuh gonna be doin sumthin diffreyunt. Evuh heard of ‘Unduhgroun Doolin’?”

“Look, Mister Shroud,” Zane stated, “I graduated at the top of my class. Underground Duels aren’t my bag.”

“Ah yu sereeyuss?” Badguy Bill groaned. “It wayuz on top uh the contrayuct. Stahtin tuhniyught you’ah gonna be Doolin’ in the unduhgroun sircuht. Yu reayulize yew don’t hayuve any uthuh choyuss, as yew’ve siyugned the contrayuct abaot thuhty sekuns ago, riyut?”

Zane gave him a goofy, deadpan glare! It was hilarious, I assure you!

“Iyull preteyund I di’in see thayut.”

 

TWO! HOURS!! LATER!!!

Angry McArgue walked around, staring at a cheap piece-o-crap cell phone. She was in the heart of Fat City as the sun began to set, casting a delightful glow of prosperity and shininess along every structure. “Hmm,” Angry McArgue mulled, “the text message says Zane’s around here somewhere.” Her rectangular piece of cardboard had a screen drawn on it with a pen, reading ‘Zane: I am at the underground dueling area. I will tell you why I am at the underground dueling area sometime.’ She tossed the old thing into a recycling bin and walked over to a bunch of tough blind dudes standing near a door, talking to some policemen. Along the top of the doorway, a piece of lined notebook paper read ‘UNDERGROUND DUELS HERE (theyre illegal don tell the cops (cops not allowed))’. “Aw, can’t we have just ONE look?” Policeman A pleaded.

“We REALLY, REALLY want to make some arrests in there, mister,” Policeman B begged.

“No,” the shades-wearing toughboys growled, holding their round, rubbery walking sticks in their crossed arms.

“Aaaaaawww,” the duo groaned. They turned around and scooted off listlessly.

 

“Uhhh, okay,” Angry McArgue mumbled, passing them by. She looked at the door the blind guys were standing next to. It was the back door of the restaurant, placed across from the Underground Dueling entrance. She walked in. “AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” she screamed, as right in front of the door was a TWELVE-FOOT DROP!! “Ow,” she groaned, landing on her face. “Stupid poor place where Zane is,” she spat. “Can’t even afford stairs. Why would Zane go to such a stupid poor place?” She stood up and walked toward a source of light: the nearby ballroom! Only instead of a room filled with rich people eating dinner by candlelight as others danced about, it was a room filled with rich people wearing 3-D glasses and eating dinner by candlelight next to a giant steel cage wrestling ring for Duelists! What a society this is.

“Seat?” a man with a chair offered, also glassesd.

“Sure,” Angry McArgue accepted, taking a seat at a vacant table.

“Glass?” another man with 3-D glasses offered, holding out a pair.

“Sure,” Angry McArgue accepted, taking a pair and wearing them. “Damn, these glasses come in TWO COLORS!”

 

“Uh, okay folks,” an intercom sputtered, complete with a Brooklyn accent guy speaking to the underground peoples, “this here is a, uh, ‘Underground Duel?’ What kinda crap is that? Can’t you just Duel and be done with it? Ah, it ain’t my prob. Oh, and it says here ‘Now in three-dee.’ Great, now you can see ALL the action! Makes perfect sense. Hmm. Well, I really wanna get outta here, so I’ll introduce to yous the Duelists of the night. On… uh, the right corner is… Zane Truesdale, some kid that I don’t care about.” Zane appeared in the cage as if by magic.

“WOAH!” the crowd gasped, cheering like madmen!

“HE LOOKS SO LIFELIKE!”

“We have to get this one on DVD!”

“Alright, now what the Dum-Dum Pop is going on in here?” Angry McArgue growled.

“Eh, and on this… other side is… a dumb baby! Who ever heard of a baby playing card games? I don’t even… where’s the baby?” The baby was nowhere to be seen. Everybody looked around, but to no avail.

“I don’t think the 3-D is working,” a man complained, wiping his glasses off. “I don’t see a baby anywhere!”

“OH NO!!” a person yelped, pointing toward the top of the cage! For up there, there was a hanging baby!

 

“Hey out there, all the people,” the baby greeted. With lifelike gymnastic prowess, the baby flipped from the top of the cage and somersaulted three times onto his tippy-toes! It truly was… the baby featured at the start of the chapter.

“Oh! THERE’S the baby! And… his name’s apparently… Tyke Tyson. That’s a pretty bad pun if you ask me, but it has to do with the source material, and a blatant parody… but this time it’s a baby with a tough guy name! That HAS to be good! Anyways they Duel. I’m outta here.”

“Hey you,” the baby called in a deep, manly, deadpan voice, “yes you, poopyhead. You are going to go down.”

This poser looks like he STILL hasn’t had any training, Zane thought to himself. This should be a piece of cake.

“Also we’re putting shock collars onto both Duelists because we want them to die for some reason,” the intercom guy added, “so I’m out. I don’t wanna see a baby or a baby-talkin’ High School graduate die. Peace.” Then came a thump, as if the microphone had been purposely tossed into a trash receptacle. Black, spiked collars appeared upon Zane’s and Tyke Tyson’s neck and arms!

“My mommy says I’m real strong,” Tyke Tyson said, “and I have won many Cage Duels. You might not.”

“Dohn’ worreh abaout those,” Badguy Bill muttered, standing outside of the cage, just behind Zane, “theyah juss theyah tuh make thangz a bit moah… electrifighin’.”

“What?” Zane gasped.

“Juss a lihl joke, thass all,” Badguy Bill assured. “Naow, dounchoo think abaout eskapin outta this heah cage, becuzz we hayuve peeuhple tuh do thayut. Oh yeayuh, and abowt yoh ‘pponeyunt; he’s knowun tuh be qwight dangeruhss.” Suddenly, he was punched in the back of the head by Angry McArgue! “Aow,” he groaned, dropping to the floor and clutching his head in a manner unbefitting of such a gentleman!

“Zane!” Angry McArgue cried! “You realize that you’re either going to KILL A BABY tonight, or get KILLED BY a baby?! Get out of there right now!”

“…” Zane turned to Angry McArgue and stared her in the eye. “… Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.”

“Oh don’t go saying stuff like that. It’s out of character. And stop being so stupid; just LOOK at that Tyke Tyson!”

“I eat guys like you for breakfast,” Tyke Tyson boasted.

“See!” Angry McArgue concluded. “Now take those shock collars off and climb on outta there.” She rattled the cage around. “It’s got the same strength as a fish cage.”

“Fully-loaded fiyush cayges, I may ayudd,” Badguy Bill boasted. “Nayuh, pleyuss get back tuh yoah seat, young ladeh. We hayuve people foah thayut.”

 

“LET THE DUEL COMMENCE!!” some random guys off to the side announced.

“WOOOOOT!” went the audience. All of the 3-D colors were rushing into their eyes and making them all freakishy.

“Raaaah,” Tyke Tyson roared, activating a Duel Disk upon his arm! (Tyke Tyson: 4000 Life Points)

“This is it,” Zane declared decisively, activating his own arm-Duel Disk. (Zane Truesdale: 4000 Life Points)

“I go first,” Tyke Tyson decided, drawing all the necessary cards to perform one turn! “I summon the Acid Slime in Defense Mode.” A four-pointed blob of slime appeared! It seemed to be the combination of a jellyfish and a gooey bomb. (Acid Slime: 1000 Defense Points) “Then I will set one card face-down and end my turn.”

 

“Is that all you got?” Zane challenged. “I’ll throw-down a face-down and play my Different Dimension Capsule!” A sarcophagus appeared and opened itself up to Zane. “So here’s how it works: first I remove one card from play, and in two of my Standby Phases, it comes back to my hand!” He picked up the entire contents of his deck and placed one specific card into the coffin: Overload Fusion, thereby sealing the fates of both players… FOR THE NEUTRAL. But somewhat pretty terrible. The sarcophagus then teleported through time for good… or not quite. “And then I’ll summon this.” He held up a Cyber Dragon. “My Cyber Dragon! In Attack Mode!” Cyber Dragon roared its way onto the field, capturing the hearts of dozen of onlookers!

“GWAH,” it shouted. (Cyber Dragon: 2100 Attack Points)

“Attack me, I double-dog dare you, son,” Tyke Tyson dared.

I’ve seen all this before, Zane groaned. When I attack that Acid Slime, I take eight-hundred points of damage. I’m better off playing it cool for now…

“I suppose I scared you off already,” Tyke Tyson understood, “so wait until you get a load of this: my Last Machine Acid Virus. And just wait until I put the hurt on you.”

“PUT THE HURT ON HIM!!” the audience jeered.

“Or don’t,” Angry McArgue suggested. She was hit with a firm, non-bursting tomato.

“Alright guys, I am going to be putting the hurt on him now,” Tyke Tyson agreed. “Now I sacrifice a Water-type monster.” Acid Slime ‘sploded. “Now, for the next three turns all of your Machine-type monsters get a washing they will never forget, and you lose five hundred Life Points for each beast that goes bye-bye. Bye-bye.” A gush of jelly-like slime flowed over the Cyber Dragon, jamming it beyond all recognition. All it could do was explode!

“Ugh,” Zane groaned. Then he was shocked by the three shock collars, jolting his entire body with enough electricity to kill a middle-aged baby. “Aaaaaaaaah. What’s the deal, Shroud?” Zane asked, following his lines.

“Ah told yew, I aiyun’t Shraowd,” Badguy Bill explained. “Theeze shawk collahrss ahre juss s’posed tuh make thangs a lihl bit moah intrestiyun. Wheneyuvuh yew leuse Liyuff Pouinss, yew gets a lil’ shawk. Eeyut’s nuthin, I asshure yew.”

 

“You LIED to me. You’ll pay for this, Shroud,” he assured.

“Aww, down’t be thayut way, Zayun,” Badguy Bill sighed. “Yew (slightly) reayud the contrayuct. Yew’ve gawt everehthiyun mah baowss promiyussed. ‘Sides, yew gawt a sold-owt awdyensse, akshwall pay, sehmi-popyuhlahridy. Thangs ah luhkin uhp ahlreayudy! Now go fight for your life.”

“I’M BORED!” an onlooker screamed.

“I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!”

“I FELL TWELVE FEET FOR THIS?!”

“ZANE, LET’S LEAVE AND NOT FIGHT BABIES BECAUSE YOU’RE BEING STUPID!”

“Bring it on,” Zane blanched with a gulp (OH MY GOSH WHAT KIND OF VERBS AM I USING).

“Great,” Tyke Tyson accepted, “I accept your challenge. It is going to be so hilarious.” Zane rose his eyebrow in confusion. “I first activate Contingency Fee.” A card appeared with a ninja cutting a briefcase of money IN HALF. “First you draw one bunch of cards until you have six in your hand total. I get an extra one thousand Life Points for each one.” Zane drew a bunch of cards. (Tyke Tyson: 4000 -> 7000 Life Points) “That is not all either, because my Last Machine Acid Virus makes me check your hand for Machines.”

“Sorry. No Machines here,” Zane broke, showing off his assorted random Spells and Trap.

 

“Oh yes? Then I will have to change that with Card Destruction.” He played a card of a man throwing around cards. “We discard all of our cards and draw the same amount. Six for you, three for me.” They threw their cards behind their backs and drew some replacement cards. “Let us see them.”

“Go ahead, check them out,” Zane stated, holding his cards in his own face.

“It helps… if you turn them around!” Tyke Tyson joked.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” the audience cachinnated explosively!

“UUUURRRRRR!” Zane groaned. He flipped his cards over, revealing four assorted machines.

“Oh boy, that is gonna be two grand,” Tyke Tyson anticipated as their holographic representations appeared and exploded rustily.

“EEEYAAAAAAAAAAHH!!” Zane screeched! His three collars began shooting strangely red-black electricity into his body! (Zane: 1500 Life Points)

“WOO HOO!!” the assemblage wooted!

“We are not done yet!” Tyke Tyson assured, playing the Obligatory Pot of Greed! “We cannot have an episode without THAT bad boy.” The tyke drew two cards. “Then I summon Clone Slime in Defense Mode.” A green ball of slime took the form of a woman and guarded itself with slime arms. (Clone Slime: 0 Defense Points) “I will end my turn with these,” the boy decided, playing two cards face-down. “What is wrong?” he asked Zane, who was writhing about on the floor with pain. “We are just getting started.”

 

Zane flopped onto his feet like an invertebrate. He also drew a card: Future Fusion! I already know what’s going to happen. No sense in changing things around just yet. “Nnngh… I activate the Spell card Future Fusion!” Future Fusion’s card representation appeared. “Now by moving Fusion monsters from my deck to the Grave, I can choose a new Fusion monster and summon it in two turns!”

“I do not THINK so, because I TRIGGER my TRAP card: Jammer Slime,” Tyke Tyson triggered, triggering his Trap card, featuring some jam-like slime! “So I sacrifice this,” he said, discarding a random slimy monster from his hand, “and now you cannot use your Spell card.

Music?! Angry McArgue thought. That CAN’T be not stupid!

 

A giant stream of purple slimejam thundered out from nowhere, getting all over Zane’s card and rendering it sticky! “Also, I just discarded Draw Slime, so I’m able to draw one card.” He drew his card and smiled at Zane in a creepy manner. “Do you want to know why I was voted Most Badass Baby four times in a row? IT WAS BECAUSE OF MY DEEP, MANLY VOICE.”

“No thanks,” Zane said.

 

“In any case, I play the Trap card Despised Reality!” Tyke Tyson revealed his next chronological card to be that of a demon king spitting onto the face of a man king! “Now you get to summon a Level Four or lower monster. But do not rest yet, because then I can draw two cards, you stinky diaper face. Then again, you can choose not to, and I lose one thousand Life Points instead.”

“Zane, this is stupid!” Angry McArgue argued, pushing the flimsy giant cage over. “Let’s just leave right now. Nothing good can come of beating up a baby!”

Even if she’s here now, I can’t afford to change anything just yet. It’s only a matter of time, anyways. “I ACCEPT!!” Zane shouted, throwing his deck into the air! One card fluttered onto his Duel Disk and the rest retreated to their Decksanctum. “I summon the Proto-Cyber Dragon in Attack Mode!”

“Bwah,” roared a wimpy-looking cybernetic worm. (Proto-Cyber Dragon: 1100 Attack Points)

“Sorry to RAIN on your PARADE, Mad Dog,”

“That is not my name.”

“but my new Dragon DWARFS your little slime ball!”

“So what; I still draw my two cards.” Tyke Tyson drew his two cards.

“YOUR LAST!” Nobody understood. “NOW PROTO-CYBER DRAGON, ATTACK HIS CLONE SLIME!”

“Baaah,” Proto-Cyber Dragon shouted, lunging forth!

“Well get this mister stupid man,” Tyke Tyson insulted, “I activate my Clone Slime’s special ability: I can replace it with another Slime monster from my Graveyard!” The green slime wobbled around into… AN ACID SLIME!!

“GRRR,” Zane growled.

“Now for its special ability,” Tyke Tyson activated. The Proto-Cyber Dragon flew onto the Acid Slime and fell over, completely useless beyond all reason. In return, the four-pointed slime bomb flew through the air onto Zane’s face with holographic consequences!

“Zane!” Angry McArgue yelled! Instinctively, she grabbed onto Zane’s left arm collar and tugged. Obviously, both of them were shocked.

 

“AAAAHHHHH!!”

“GAAAAAAAAHH!!” they screamed. (Zane: 700 Life Points) As the electricity faded, Angry McArgue gave one last tug, ripping the metal band from Zane’s forearm.

“When Acid Slime is destroyed by battle, it deals eight hundred points of direct damage. It looks like… I JUST PUT A SHOCK TO YOUR SYSTEM!!”

“AAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!” the audience jeered! “THAT WAS THE POINT!! WHAT A LINE!!”

“Ahmhmhmhm,” chuckled Badguy Bill.

“G…I’m still standing…” Zane mumbled, shaking erratically.

“Zane… get… outta here,” Angry McArgue gasped, pulling at his shoulder.

“No,” Zane disagreed, snapping her head violently sideways. Angry McArgue’s eyes closed with a flutter and she dropped to the ground, completely paralyzed.

“That was cool, you should teach me how to do that after I kill you,” Tyke Tyson suggested. He picked up his next card. “Hmm! I have been waiting for this one. Now it is time to knock you onto your tushy. I play the card Slime Base.” A faucet appeared out from the ground. “Now I get to summon one Slime monster from my hand: the Level Six Multiple Slime.” The faucet’s handle began to turn by itself, spitting forth a yellow dog-shaped mound of slime! (Multiple Slime: 1500 Attack Points) “Now go join your dumb unconscious GIRLFRIEND down there. Alright, Slimey, destroy his Cyber Dragon with Primordial Ooze Attack.” The slimedog opened its mouth, letting hundreds of liquid pounds of slime fly out at the dragon robot!

“YEAYEAH!!” the audience screamed! “KILL THAT KID, BABY! WE’RE SADISTS!”

 

“Bwaaal,” the wormy robot shrieked, exploding upon contact!

“NnnnnnAAAAAAAAGHHHH!!” Zane screamed, being electrified once again! (Zane: 300 Life Points)

“SOO EXCITIIIIING!!” The audience exploded as their 3-D glasses imploded, for they could not contain the excitement!

“Looks like you’ve had enough,” Tyke Tyson noted, playing two cards face-down again. “I will have to change that next time.”

“Oh mistuh Truesdayule, ah bleeve ah toll yew tuh fiyught foh yo liyuf!” Badguy Bill whistled. “Yew gohtta staht clawin’ yo way uhp fruhm thuh bawttm!”

“I can’t understand a word you’ve said for the past twelve hours!” Zane screamed!

“Likewhyuzz. But yew’re truleh at th’ bawttm uh th’ bayrle! Fyttin a baybeh. Onleh wun way tuh go frum heyuh.”

“Down,” Zane spat.

“Aw, naow down’t bea gowing awl symbolic awn me, Zayun,” Badguy Bill yawned. “Juss keel this baybeh an yew an yoh layduhfrien kin leave, gawt iyut?”

“I’ve done this three times already,” Zane agonized, “so shut it!”

“Buhsidez,” Badguy Bill laughed, “yew don’t hayuve anehthiyun else tuh loose! Not yur reputashyun. Not yur respeyuct. If yew lose heyuh, you won’t have anything.”

“STOP IT!!”

“Then get with it already,” Badguy Bill ordered, smiling like a giddy schoolchild. “Leave your old self behind in… well, the steel cage is gone already, but you get the message. Evolve. Become like us.

 

“Die.

 

“Nobody will care, you’re just a loser, descended to my level. Just give in and unite like the rest.”

“Yes,” Tyke Tyson called, “do it so that I can hurry up and beat you up.”

Zane picked up a card. “In order to gain the ultimate in evil power,” he recited, “you must first kill a baby or young human in cold blood, thus losing your soul in the process, making room for pure power. Correct?”

“Thayut’s riyught,” Badguy Bill verified, regaining his previous demeanor.

“You’ve forgotten, then, that I’ve lost my soul three times already. Also, time’s up.” The sarcophagus from times forgotten rose onto the field, allowing Zane to remove one card from its contents!

“Heh, you already have lost one of your Cyber Dragons, so you cannot summon anything that would matter,” Tyke Tyson deduced.

“No. I activate Cybernetic Fusion Support.” A Spell card appeared, taking the form of a weird scientifical platform with laser guns. “Now I can use this Spell card at the cost of half of my Life Points in place of all three of my Cyber Dragons, meaning I summon Cyber End Dragon!!” The laser rifles began firing into each other, summoning forth… THE CYBER END DRAGON!! An ironworker stamped on a flag to signal its upgrade completion! (Cyber End Dragon: 8000 Attack Points) “Sure,” Zane said mockingly, “my Power Bond depletes my Life Points at the end of the turn, but I don’t intend on letting this game take that long.”

 

“Nice try mister, but I make the rules here!” Tyke Tyson announced! “This is MY world! I activate Slime Ball!” A Trap was triggered, showing some serious slime leaking out of a pot. It was not a ball. “Now I gain Life Points equal to your monster’s Attack Points!” (Tyke Tyson: 700 -> 15000 Life Points) A large ball of slime fell from nowhere and swallowed the giant tri-headed dragon whole, then gushed its innards at Tyke Tyson as a healing holographical mush! “Oh, and your monster goes bye-bye. There is that, too. Game over.”

“It is NOT over,” Zane growled.

“What can you do?” Tyke Tyson joked. “I mean, it is not as if that song playing means that you have gotten a good card.”

“So you think,” Zane scoffed, “as I know the answer WITHIN MY VERY SOOOOOOUL!!” His body began spouting dark blue energy, as if he were on fire! The audience gasped!

“WOAH! COOL FX!!” they cried.

“Zayun, ah yew ohkai in theyuh?” Badguy Bill questioned, shaking with excitement!

“The Zane you knew is loooong gone,” Zane told. His clothing instantly transformed… into an exact black copy of its original form!! “Call me Hell Kaiser Ryo, if only to keep some semblance of continuity in this s***.”

“WHAT continuity?” the audience asked.

 

Hell Kaiser Zane Ryo’s eye twitched. “ARISE,” he commanded, holding his arm out toward Angry McArgue. Undisturbed from her slumber, she swiftly rose from the floor and her body became… a white orb? He then stuck his hand into her, causing her to change form into… a red, two pronged spear, nestling a red gemstone where the two points separated. “Dominion of Form, be my weapon.” Hell Kaiser then pointed his spear toward the audience, prompting his new spear to fire a giant laser, causing them all to explode unconscious with the sheer amount of quality animation they believed they were seeing! The man held his fork to Tyke Tyson. “Welcome to my world,” he invited.

“Meep?!”

 

“Thank you for the distraction, I found your resistance to be very intriguing. Coming back to this exercise in futility every now and then reminds me of who I am. I hope you’re ready to die again.” He tapped his Duel Disk. “I reveal my face-down card.” Call of the Haunted flipped face-up!

“WHAT?!” Tyke Tyson yipped!

“Waaal,” Proto-Cyber Dragon moaned, rising FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE.

“Now I activate Overload Fusion.” Hell Kaiser played a Spell card featuring a prominent technological explosion. “I can use it to remove from my field or Graveyard any number of monsters for the summon of a Dark Machine monster. I call six.” The Proto-Cyber Dragon exploded technologically, calling forth a gale! The scrapped bodies of Cyber Kirin, Phoenix, Laser, Barrier, End and Cyber Dragons all broke away into the wind, coming together within mere moments…

“Are you SURE you wanna do that?!” Tyke Tyson debated futility-y!

“This can’t wait a month,” Hell Kaiser joked. He smiled the smile of a man who loved his chainsaw something fierce. And cut people with it. “Now, meet the last monster you’ll ever see: CHIMERATECH OVERDRAGON!!” The two strange words came into form as the scrap heap combined into a strange End Dragon perversion, a dark grey mechanical dragon… with six heads growing out of it, each one with a simplistic mask hiding their inner mechanisms and circuitry of evil.

“GREHGREHGREHGREHGREHGREH,” it hissed. (Chimeratech Overdragon: 4800 Attack Points)

“That’s six hundred Attack Points for every monster you’ve murdered,” Ryo explained. “That’s also one extra attack each.”

“TH-THAT’S A WHOLE LOT OF ATTACK POINTS!1” Tyke Tyson squealed! “THIS SHOULD WAIT ANOTHER MONTH, KAY?1?1?1”

“NEVER!!” Ryo of the Hell Kaiser Guild held out his destiny hand.

“GREEEEEEHHHH!” cried the first of many Chimeratech heads, spitting a ray of presumably plasmic acid lightning thunder at the slime dog we cannot recall. It exploded.

“AAAAAHHHHH!!” Tyke Tyson wept, fried via electrification. (Tyke Tyson: 11700 Life Points) He masculinely pumped his arms and roared, “IZZAT ALL YOO GOT?!?!” The remains of the blown bowwow blob came back as a trilogy of oddly-blue-colored slime blots, seeing as their begetter was a better shade of bisque. “When my Multiple Slime dies, it summons three Slime Monster Tokens!” Tyke Tyson explained. They wiggled. (Slime Monster Tokens: 500 Attack Points) “With or without them, you lose! I still have Life Points!” Tyke Tyson crowed! “Die, loserman!”

 

“Six heads. This means six attacks.” Zane pointed his spear to Tyke Tyson. “You just lost the game. Last words?”

“Um, I”

“GREEEEEEH GREEH GREEEEEEEHHH!!!” The dragon heads all shot a high-powered laser column into their monster of choice. When out of monsters they set their sights upon the small child. They struck him with three continuous streams of energy, pulling him aloft and steady!

“AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!” he screeched! “STOOOOOPP! I ALREADY LOOOOOST!!” he begged.

“So? You tried to beat me. Dominion, strike him down!” One universe-twisting ray shot out from his hell fork and hit the target for massive destruction. The entire building shattered into atoms, leaving all other beings intact, glasses not included. Hell Kaiser Zane Truesdale Ryo’s Cimeratech Fortress Dragon left the stage, having done its job, and Zane lowers his friend, having reduced the enemy to a crater. “The joys of killing. I almost forgot.” (Tyke Tyson: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

 

“Comp’ments to thuh sheyuff,” Badguy Bill complimented. “Thuh gurhl s’possed tuh do thayut?”

“Of course, I know what I’m doing,” the Ryo stated. “I’m going to cut the Chain of Reincarnation this time. I know what I’m doing.”

“Excellunt,” Badguy Bill snickered. “Heheheh, AHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHEH!!” (Death Count Season Two – 2504)

 

Syrus and Alexis sat down upon a blood-stained trillion-dollar sofa within the heart of Italy’s Mafia Fun District. They hadn’t managed to find Zane in person, per se, but they did make a killing in the Mafiazone Ticket rush in addition to them just killing Mafiosos. Well, it was mostly Alexis. Syrus just snagged some cool swag. Wearing their new 50,000-ticket top hats and 2-ticket monocles, they stared at the illegal crystal television screen placed upon the ceiling in horror. They watched Zane in all his devilish regalia stepping out from the Dueling arena, having done what he had just done.

 

“Hell Kaiser Ryo?!” Syrus gasped.

“Angry McArgue is a spear now?!” Alexis gasped.

“He just killed a baby?!” Syrus gasped.

“He’s working for a Badguy?!” Alexis gasped.

“HE’S EVIL NOW?!” they gasped together.

“Coming up next, Rex Raptor Duels a hooker in the streets of downtown San Diego, here on Illegal Duel Channel,” the television announcer announced, having finished its live display of an illegal cage matchup.

“… Wanna stay for the next show?” Syrus asked.

“Okay,” Alexis accepted, somberly pushing another dead mafiaman off of the coffeetable. They had just murdered four-hundred murderers, and yet… they felt so empty… (Death Count Season Two – 2904)

 

[spoiler=NEXT EPISODE:]Oh no! Now that Zane's gone bad, what can our heroes do to stop him! His Cyber Dragons have begun going crazy and attacking everyone! And once he pulls out the Chimeratech Overdragon and Cyber End Dragons, even Senkaiyoh may not stand a chance against him! But that all changes once Jaden gets back in on the action...!! Zane Goes Crazy and Stuff! Riding Duelist, Accelerate! All your base... will belong to the Angry McArgue Lance!!

 

 

 

[Weather Report - Stand]

Only three different posters on this entiiiiire page? I'm so loooooonelyyyyyy. So I propose an idea that may make it easier for me to pull reader participation AND impact future storylines! Who thinks that it would be a nice idea to get a weekly poll of some sort going here? Like favorite arc or character for starters, so I can tell what you guys want to see more of in the future? So our first poll will be a poll about polls. Who wants a weekly poll? (I hope I know how to set one up, because if everything gets screwed up right after I type this up, then you know I can't do anything and need coddling)

 

[spoiler=Episode 72: Going Bananas]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. The Fan Fic

Episode 72: The Flashback Episode

 

Syrus sat with his unimportant buddies in the heart of the Slifer Toolshed eatery area place. “Oooooooh, Jadennnnn,” he moaned, “I miss you soooo much!”

“Why?” Senkaiyoh asked, popping out of nowhere. “Anybody remember that Chazz kid?”

“Jaden was a kinda cool kid!” Syrus insisted! “Isn’t it so much quieter without him around?”

“I killed all the others,” Senkaiyoh noted.

“True.”

“Don’t you worry kids,” Stephen Boyd said, walking in from nowhere in particular! “I have a one hundred-percent feeling that the main character will be coming back into the plot at some time… IN THE NEAR FUTURE.”

“How do you know?” Syrus asked. “Evil fortune telling? Prophecy? Magician told you?”

“Well, we’re going on a field trip in one more episode,” Stephen Boyd explained. “Big things always happen during field trips. Trust me. I read.”

“Do we get to use the Duel Academy Bus?” Syrus hoped.

“… Yes.” Stephen Boyd sunk into the shadows.

 

“Oh hey, food,” Mann McOldsmobile said, walking up to the table, which was surprisingly covered in bags of fast food, labeled with the names of students and the Golden Flippy-Symbol of EcDonalds. They were everywhere, because nobody could anticipate how many kids would get killed. I lost count, too. (Death Count Season Two –2504) Oh! But really, those other Slifers aren’t coming back. (Death Count Season Two – 2509)

“This one… says Jaden on it!” Syrus found, holding up Jaden’s residual bag of fud! “Mmnm… for his honor, I will eat this ‘fud’!” Syrus ripped the bag open, spilling some burgers and fries all over the table.

“Why?” Mann McOldsmobile asked.

“Because… he would have wanted it that way,” Syrus decided decisively. “Wherever it goes… he may be.” Syrus swallowed a french fry. You could have sworn you had heard Jaden screaming in the ocean of stomach acid.

 

“Okay!” Senkaiyoh cheered! She ate seventy out of one hundred three French fries.

“Heeeey! That was rude!” Syrus cried. He pulled the two-ply burger supply up to his chest obsessively. “At least I can eat these two burgers instead.” Mann McOldsmobile took a burger and dropped a pickle. “WHAT?!”

“You said you were eating it for-NGULP-him,” he insisted. “We are too. And hungry. Mmm, taste.”

“Yeah!” Senkaiyoh added, swallowing a bag full of snack.

“Mmm,” Nancy Wut said, eating the second burger.

“WAIT, HUNH?” Syrus screeched! Then Stephen Boyd reached out from the darkness and took the pickle.

“Yoink,” Hassleberry chuckled, taking thirty three fries into his mouth.

 

Syrus frowned. Senkaiyoh put a nearby ‘SYRUS’-labeled bag into her mouth and chewed. Syrus placed his head onto the table. He sobbed, and became hungry.

 

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE JADEN…

“Daaaaaamn,” Jaden groaned, trudging along a dirt road in the middle of the forest. Which forest? THE INDONESIAN NATIONAL FOREST PRESERVE. Jaden pulled up to a road sign, labeled ‘INDONESIAN NATIONAL FOREST PRESERVE – WE DON’T REALLY EXIST!’ “How did I get heeeeere?”

“Oh,” Glow Moss, the human-shaped Duel Monster Spirit blob of fungus recalled, appearing from nowhere, “you just kinda kept walking around the island and passed the volcano near the school like three times. Then you just walked onto another country.”

“But there was an ocean.”

“Well then… I guess just when you thought you were in… they pulled you back out!” Glow Moss joked, chomping onto a big cigar.

“WHY DO YOU ALL KEEP APPEARING?”

“’Cuz, pardner,” Grand Mole, the oddly-collared talking mole told, popping out from the ground, “you came up with our cards, we got made, and yer’ childhood whimsy made us real! Giddyup, pardner, yeeeeeeehaww!!”

“I wish I wasn’t such an idjit when I was seven, yo, watchin’ bad movies all the time,” Jaden moaned, falling flat on his face. “Also I wish I could have stopped to eat some food and stuff.”

“You ate leaves, pardner.”

“Full of vitamin C, kiddo.”

“You shut your face. I’m too hungry to think about eating…”

 

Jaden began shaking wildly with hunger, as if he were some sort of hunger machine! “OOOOOH, I KIN ALMOST SEE SUMMA ‘DAT DUEL ‘CADEMY FAST FOOOOOoood…”

“You weren’t there when they got that stuff,” Glow Moss corrected.

“Continuity-breakin’?!” Grand Mole cried! “I’m mighty confused now! Let’s skee-daddle, pardner!”

“YES! An excuse!” Glow Moss cheered. The two Duel Spirits disappeared into light with a collective shrug.

 

“I’ M DELIRIOUS!!” Jaden yelped! “Delirious… delicious… atrocious… chicken bone… I want some chicken bone soooo baaaad…” Jaden flapped his arms around a few more times. He went limp. “I just wish I had stopped to eat more leaves. And gone back to the Academy. And never lost to Aster Phoenix in the first place, because then I wouldn’t be here, yo. Seriously, what WAS that? My main character powers just kinda went out?! I CALL BLASPHEMY!!”

 

’ But for some reason, defying the odds… some lizards looked up, ignoring whatever lizardry stuff they were doing. They sniffed the air. They ran, ran around in random directions, because that’s what they do. One of them approached the clearing Jaden resided in, dying of stupid. But this lizard was special. He was a velociraptor. That wasn’t what made him special, though; he was wearing a mechanical helmet and random bits of metal were wielded to his flesh. THOSE were what set him apart. The entire island was filled with velociraptors, of course; all the lizards were raptors. “BLASPHEMY?!” the raptor gasped. “WHO SAID…” The familiar raptor’s jaw dropped.

This reminds me of Crowler, yo, Jaden reminisced in horror.

 

“YOOOOOOUUUUU!”

“WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!” Jaden screamed, flailing his body parts into right angles!

The raptor picked Jaden up with his scaly metallic tail. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THIS ISLAND?!”

“I got lost, Wheeler,” Jaden sobbed. “Oh, and before I forget I didn’t mean to kill you Wheeler the Velociraptor yo so can you forgive me son y’know what I’m sayin’?”

“GRRRRRRRRR!!!!” Wheeler smacked Jaden across the face with his talons, taking extra care not to carve the kid up just yet. “YOU NEARLY KILLED ME!! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR A CYBORG VELOCIRPTOR TO REGENERATE HIS OWN ENTIRE BODY?!”

“I didn’t MEAN to crush you with a meteor card hologram,” Jaden apologized, “it just kinda, well, killed you. Because you killed a kid. And scientists were after you.”

“SILEEEEENCE!!” Wheeler announced! “I SHOULD EAT YOUR ENTRAILS RIGHT NOW!!”

“Buuuut,” Jaden whistled, “y’won’t! ‘Cause I’m dyin’ of hunger. So I’ll be like a chicken bone or somethin’. They’re terrible. In fact I should eat mah own entrails! Then maybe I might not be so hungy.”

 

Mmmmm, Wheeler mulled, looking away for a moment. This kid weighs like four pounds. That ain’t enough. I could fatten him up a little first. Or I could kill him on the spot before I catch his stupidity. I’ll just take him back to town and hold a vote. “LISTEN UP, BOYHUMAN,” Wheeler instructed, “I’M TAKING YOU SOMEPLACE.”

“Is it fun?”

“NO. IT’S WHERE MY COMRADES DECIDE HOW TO KILL YOU.” Wheeler jabbed Jaden in the stomach and placed him onto his dinoshoulder. Wheeler and his new cargo then flitted between the trees with velociraptor-like accuracy and precision, allowing them the shortest travel time allotted by the Great Raptor Spirits. Even the speckled parakeets above and the burrowing tigers below gasped at such grace.

“WOAH!” they gasped. “WATCH THAT CYBORG GO! Chirp roar.” Wheeler was swiftly forgot and the beasts went back to doing their thing.

 

They burst through the shade of the woods and over a valley, blocking the sun for just a second along the way. Because they had the time to waste. They were there. They had entered… the County. “Wheeeeeee!!” Jaden cheered! Wheeler landed upon the ground with all the grace of a robot, without even a crick or creak to be heard. All there was were velociraptors. And two buildings: one marked ‘PENITENTIARY’ and the other ‘SHOPPING MALL’. The velociraptors, numbering seventy-eight at the least, ran around at their own discretion. They were raptors; they had ZERO RESPONSIBILITY.

“WE’RE HERE,” Wheeler announced. “WELCOME TO YOUR GRAVE, BOY!”

“Hey it’s Wheeler,” a velociraptor noticed.

“Wheeler’s back?” a velociraptor gal asked (you could tell the gender from the feminine voice).

“An’ he got a man!” a baby velociraptor gasped! At his shrill baby voice every other raptor looked up with their sickly mandarin eyes and sniffed.

“AH SMELL A BOY!!” they rallied! All four hundred raptors across the island all gathered around the town, the plateau above and the Indonesian National Gorge ahead, sandwiching the entire village radius from human ruination. The dinosaurs all stared toward the idiot human boy.

This reminds me of Bastion, yo, Jaden reminisced.

 

“RAPTORS AND VELOCIRAPTORS,” Wheeler barked, “I HAVE HERE BEFORE YOU THE IDIOT THAT KILLED ME LAST YEAR, THE REASON WE HAD TO ESCAPE TO INDONESIA’S RESIDENT WOODLANDS!!”

“You died?”

“THAT WAS BEFORE I CAME BACK TO LIFE, REMEMBER?”

“Oh yeah.”

“How’re all the raptors talkin’, dino-dude?” Jaden inquired. “You were only allowed ‘ta do ‘dat freaky human jazz wit’ yo’ magic science helmet n’ suff, yo.”

“I TAUGHT THEM HOW TO TALK.”

“Oh,” he accepted with a bashful smile. “I guess I gotta FOSSIL it to ya’, you PTERODACTYL kids!”

“UHHHH!!” the crowds cried out in disgust. They covered their faces and shook their heads in disapproval.

“What?” asked Jaden. “Did I just TYRANNOSAURUS REX the conversation?”

“AAAAAUUUGH!!”

“Wheeler, why didn’t you just kill him already?” some raptor guy begged.

“I DIDN’T HAVE TO SUFFER THIS HUMILIATION!!”

 

“PLEASE, EVERYONE!” Wheeler cried! “PEACE! I COULDN’T JUST KILL HIM LIKE THAT. SOME OF YOU WOULD COMPLAIN.”

“Oh please,” one poignant raptor groaned, “this boy’s accent and humor are all over the place. The BAD place.”

“Hey hey hey,” Jaden snickered, “I strive to PLESIOSAUR!!”

“I’m gonna kill him right now,” Bloodthirsty Velociraptor decided.

“No, Bloodthirsty—”

“I’LL EAT HIS SOUL!!” he roared.

“Why don’cha just DUEL him first?” Smarticle Velociraptor asked, adjusting his thick glasses, reminding everybody of his genre-savviness.

“… I like that,” Helpful Raptor agreed. “I like that idea a lot.”

“IT IS SETTLED THROUGH DEMOCRATIC POPULAR VOTE THAT I SHALL DUEL THE BOY!” Wheeler announced to the mob! “IN A HALF-HOUR’S TIME I SHALL PLAY A CARD GAME WITH THIS BOY! IF HE IS TO LOSE, HE WILL BE SENT TO THE PENITENTIARY FOR CAPITAL PUNISHMENT!! IF HE WINS, HE MAY PROBABLY GET EATEN! ALL AGAINST?” There was deafening disapproval. “IT IS DECIDED!!” Wheeler smacked Jaden in the back of the head with his raptine tail. “BOY!”

“Jaden,” Jaden corrected.

“JADEN!”

“Or Jay-Man.”

“JADEN! YOU STAY HERE WITH US UNTIL THE TIME HAS COME. FOR YOU ARE WITHIN THE INESCAPABLE COUNTY… VELOCITY COUNTY.”

 

The crowd dispersed randomly. The raptors ran around slowly, despite the tense speed of their flopping legs. The velociraptors took special care not to crash into one another as they entered the SHOPPING MALL or dashed up the cliff face. “I can’t escape?” Jaden asked. “They’re doin’ that just fine.”

“THEY DON’T HAVE TO ESCAPE,” Wheeler chuckled. “YOU HAVE NO MEANS OF EXIT BESIDES THE VALLEY AT THE FAR END OF VELOCITY COUNTY, GUARDED BY THE MOST EXPERIENCED VELOCIRAPTORS MONEY COULD BUY. DO WHATEVER YOU CAN, I’M GONNA TAKE A SHOWER. OF BLOOD. PREPARE TO DIE, FOOL.” Wheeler disappeared, leaving Jaden all alone with the raptor horde.

“In that case, Imma gonna check me out sum JAIL!!” Jaden decided, giddily galloping toward the prison building.

“That’s one WEEEEIRD kid,” one velociraptor laughed. “Still wanna eat’m though.”

 

Jaden pranced through the town, smiling at the limitless velociraptors all around. It was sunny, partly cool, perfect velociraptor weather. They flowed in and out of the SHOPPING MALL, carrying random objects in and out at their own discretion. “Oh boy,” Jaden decided, “I GOTTA check THAT place out later!”

“Yoooo, Jay-maaaan!” Neo-Spacian Dark Panther called, appearing suddenly! His magnificent purple velvet cape flowed in the slight breeze. He drank a Duel Spirit cup of joe and snapped his pawfingers. He banged some bongo drums with his prehensile whiskers. “Hey young hip-setter, what’s the scene? You just got beat up by the man! Velociraptor man! And now you’re coolin’ it to the penitentiary?! That ain’t hip! That’s balls, man!”

“Y’know what’s funny?” Jaden asked. “You were originally supposed t’be a stoner, but you just came out as a cool cat. GET IT?!” Jaden smiled painfully, waiting for the payoff. Dark Panther didn’t listen, as he was paying too much attention to his paw pads.

“……WOAH,” Dark Panther gasped. “THIS… IS… OUTTA SIGHT… OHSHITPLANKTON!!” As Dark Panther shook around in terror, Jaden skipped along emaciatedly into… THE PENTITENTIARY.

 

The single-room jail was pitch-black. Nothing could be seen outside of what was around the doorway. “Man! This is SOME dark room!” Jaden decided. “It reminds me of Bastion. We SURE painted his room white. Now let’s light this dino-babeh UP!!” He flicked a light switch.

 

Jaden stared up at them, and…

 

 

He looked past a couple of velociraptors and saw a couple of velociraptors standing guard by the massive valley exit from Velocity County. They wore football helmets and hissed at one another every few seconds! They had to know.

 

“KHEEEEH,” Guardvelociraptor hissed.

“KHEEEEEEEH,” Guardingvelociraptor hissed.

“KHEEE—”

“Yo bozos what’s ‘da hissin’ fo’?” Jaden requested, falling down from above.

“… Oh, uh, we just do that to scare off people like you from leaving the village,” Guardingvelociraptor said.

“We also have these,” Guardvelociraptor told, holding up two steel pipes. “What’s up, dead kid?”

“I ain’t dead, silly!”

“Not yet.”

“I’m hungry and ‘bout to die and stuff, so I wanna know where I can get some mad eats on, please.”

“Hmm,” Guardingvelociraptor mused, rubbing his chin with a claw, “maybe you could find like a strip of bacon at the shopping mall. Here in our society we have a bartering system where everything is equal in value.”

“Could I trade like a rock for a motorbike?” supposed Jaden.

“We know what a rip-off is. Don’t kid yourself.”

Having learnt, Jaden stood up and took his leave. “Thanks for the sick knowledge, dudes! I’m gonna get a thing fo’ mah belleh!” He began walking off shakily on his tippy-toes, wafting away with the breeze.

“Hey, I call his left eye when he kicks it, ‘kay?” Guardvelociraptor demanded.

“Why not? I’m getting BOTH earlobes.”

“KHEEEH!! Cheater!”

 

TWO! SECONDS!! LATER!!!

Jaden was inside the SHOPPING MALL. Within, velociraptors were passing items on and off of a large, circular counter. There were random items everywhere, from socks to boomerangs to top hats to televisions motorbikes to BACON! “Oh snap! Bacon!” Jaden flopped about through the tangled and constantly moving velociraptor masses until he reached the table of legend. A couple of velociraptors standing behind the table stared at him as if to ask ‘Well? What, punk?’

“Hi. Buy some crap or get out,” they greeted with a smile.

“I know what I’m gonna get.” Jaden decisively pulled out -12 Duel Bucks from his right pocket. I knew this time would come someday, he thought. “Negative twelve Duel Bucks. What can those get me?”

One velociraptor snatched up his money and slid a greasy slab of bacon across the table.

“Obnobnob!” it sneered, chewing up the Duel Bucks like a tasty salad.

“Mmm,” Jaden flavored as he swallowed it whole.

 

There was an energy surge from within! His arms grew three sizes! “TOOOOT!!” he wailed, flexing his mighty arm muskles! Then… he stood there for a few seconds. “Well, at least I don’t feel hungry anymore. That hunger SUUUURE musta messed up my stomach!” Some velociraptors stared at him in absurdity. “What?” he barked. “Got some MEGALODON in my teeth?!” They ran. They ALL ran. Because that’s what they do.

 

a television concluded, sitting near Jaden’s ear. He turned to face the screen, showcasing five female raptor housewives holding five small raptor dolls within their hands. They all looked obscenely rich.

“… OH MAN, AN EPIPHANY,” Jaden whispered. These five raptor women were privileged and they flaunted it. But even so, they always got pulled down by one another. They constantly belittled the others in order to puff themselves up, and yet they always seemed to patch things up between themselves. Going through such self-produced stupidity and adversity, and yet pulling it together in order to make more shows and sensational lies? There was no way the bond couldn’t exist. They were… THE BEST OF FRIENDS. He missed the point a little bit, though.

 

He punched his fist into his palm. “I know what to do,” he told himself aloud. “I have to pull this crap together. I logically have only about four more hours to go before I die. I need to make my escape and find some food before my time’s up. I can’t waste any time with this Duel. I’m gonna SHOW OFF MY NEW POWERS.” Jaden, full up with fighting spirit, charged out of the SHOPPING MALL like a bat outta hell. He fell over because he was hungry though.

 

MEANWHILE, AT THE WHEELER…

We open onto a bloody pool filled with blood, concealed in the endless Indonesian forests. Dozens, if not baker’s dozens of matted-up crimson animal pelts floated around as they pleased… or had USED to, at least. Wheeler the velociraptor stepped out carefully and calculatedly, holding within his raptorhands a Duel Monsters deck, covered in the blood of the innocent. “FINALLY,” Wheeler told himself, “I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS CHANCE FOR TOO LONG. TODAY IS THE DAY I GET TO USE… MY CARDS FROM THE FUTURE.” His deck of useless futuristic cards shimmered like gold. Future gold, which is actually useless.

 

SOME! MINUTES!! LATER!!!

The entire mob of velociraptors was seated around the rim of the valley, eating bucketfuls of popcorn and squirrel heads. “THIS IS GONNA BE TERRIBLE!” one joked.

“I can’t wait for the part where the boy dies,” Raptor Number Five hoped.

“SHH!! IT’S STARTING!!”Voluptuous Raptor yelled! The valley suddenly went dead-silent. Within the heart of Velocity County stood Jaden Yuki and Wheeler the velociraptor, each holding their respective Duel Disks. They were finely-crafted from mud and leaves, as that’s all there was to work with in the forest.

 

“YOU READY TO DIE, HUMAN BOY?” Wheeler questioned. “MY ENTIRE BODY HAS BEEN ACHING EVER SINCE—”

“I set a monster face-down and end my turn,” Jaden said. A monster appeared face-down. (Jaden: 4000 Life Points, Wheeler: 4000 Life Points)

“Y-YOU INSOLENT FOOL!!” Wheeler raged! “YOU CAN’T JUST START THE MATCH LIKE THAT!! YOU HAVE TO CALL ‘DUEL’!! AND I GO FIRST! I ALWAYS GO FIRST!”

“Boooooooo!” the onlookers screamed, tossing balled-up wads of paper at Jaden.

“Yo yo yo yo gotta go wit da flo yo,” Jaden rapped, shaking his hands around oddly. “Let me see what choo got!”

 

“YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT I HAVE GOT?!” Wheeler growled. “YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE POWERS I HAVE GAINED SINCE WE LAST MET!!” A card was slapped onto the Duel Disk. Some of it broke off. “I SUMMON RESCUE RAPTOR!!” A small velociraptor wearing a hardhat appeared.

“Mreow,” it meowed. (Rescue Raptor: 300 Attack Points)

“WHEN I DISCARD THIS MONSTER, I CAN SUMMON TWO RAPTOR MONSTERS AT LEVEL THREE OR LOWER FROM MY DECK! SO GO, MY RESCUE RAPTOR!!” The velociraptor exploded into a bloody, gooey mess, from which two strange shapes appeared.

“BWAR,” said an X-RAPTOR RAPBELLUM, with white flowing hair and Wolverine™ claw gloves! (X-Raptor Rapbellum: 3 Stars, 1600 Attack Points Tuner)

“BWEE HEE HEE HEE!!” chuckled a rather insidious raptor with flowered Speedos on. (Ojama Velociraptor: 2 Stars, 0 Attack Points)

“Hey, did that thing just say yo summoned a Tuner monster?” Jaden asked.

“YES. YOU ARE CONFUSED?” Wheeler laughed. “YOU MORTAL HUMAN BOY CANNOT COMPREHEND HOW I GOT MY NEW, IMPROVED RAPTOR DUEL MONSTERS. I TRAVELLED THROUGH TIME AND TOOK CARDS… FROM THE FUTURE!!”

 

YEARS IN THE FUTURE, BUT NOT MANY…

Wheeler jumped through a rift in the time-space continuum into a factory where Duel Monsters cards were being packaged and produced. He picked up a couple, drew velociraptors over them and left with his new stash.

 

“Oh. But Synchros and Tuners kinda exist already; we ignore them.”

“REALLY?”

“Like Exceed monsters!”

“WHO?” Wheeler shook his head clear of this silly backward speechtalk. “SILENCE WITH YOUR GOOFY TALK! I TUNE MY RAPBELLUM TO MY OJAMA MONSTER TO SUMMON THE FIRST OF MY THREE TRUMP MONSTERS!! ARISE! THUNDER VELOCICORN!!” Wheeler picked up his disgusting velociraptor and threw him into his badass velociraptor. AND SO THEY FUSED. A bolt of lightning crashed upon them, and thus they became… a blue velociraptor with dancing electrical markings dancing across his chest and legs! He contained a magnificent golden head of hair and a bolt-shaped horn of courage.

“Neeeeeiiiigh,” it belched. (Thunder Velocicorn: 2200 Attack Points, 5 Stars, Synchro)

“ATTACK THE FACE-DOWN MONSTER WITH VELOCIRAPTOR CRASH!!” Wheeler commanded!

 

“Woah there, ol’ boy!” Grand Mole said. He crawled out from under his card and slapped Thunder Velocicorn on the back.

“AAHHHH!!” he cried, heading for the hills!

“Yup!” Grand Mole concluded, imploding.

 

“………. WHAT.”

“Oh, when you attack Neo-Spacian Grand Mole, both monsters are returned to the hand or Extra Deck, yo,” Jaden explained. “YOU may have leveled up, but I have reached A WHOLE ‘NOTHER PLANE OF EXPERIENCE!! I went to Europa.”

“EUROPA SUCKS!!” Wheeler screeched! “I END MY TURN WITH A FACE-DOWN CARD.” A face-down card appeared.

“GRASP!!” velociraptors worldwide screeched! “WHEELER COULDN’T DO ANYTHING?!”

“BLASPHEMY!!” Blasphemic Velociraptor sobbed.

 

“This reminds me of Zane,” Jaden reminisced.

“WHAT?”

“Never mind! Let’s

wit WILDHEART!”

“WROOOOOAR!” Wildheart roared as he skidded onto the scene! (Wildheart: 1500 Attack Points)

“And no, he can’t be affected by Trap cards, jus’ so you know,” Jaden reminded.

“NOBODY ASKED YOU.”

“Gosh, don’t hafta TYRANNOSAURUS REX the conversation!”

“AAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGHH!!”

 

A large stone tablet appeared on the field as well. “Eh?” Wheeler inspected.

“Time to go STONE AGE on you foo’ wit’ ANCIENT RULES!!” Jaden shouted!

“MMMMMMM!!!” Elemental Hero Neos shrieked, flying through the bedrock and slamming his fist into Wheeler’s face!

“AAARRRH!!” (Wheeler: 4000 Life Points)

“There WERE no rules back then,” Jaden stated, “so I get to summon a high-Level no-effect monster from my hand!”

“Hm hm!” Neos chuckled, flashing a hi-five symbol?. (Neos: 7 Stars, 2500 Attack Points)

“THEN I’ll play Common Soul on Wildheart!” A mysterious soul hovered over the aboriginal heroman, revolving around his torso like a fish-like organism filled with interest… wait, souls are bluish. This one was BLACK. And it had a CAPE. It said “DADDY-OOOOO, mah soul-brothuh!!” It changed shape into the Neo-Spacian Dark Panther! Wildheart rubbed his soft feline head. It was comforting. (Wildheart: 1500 -> 2500 Attack Points, Neo-Spacian Dark Panther: 1000 Attack Points)

“Now guys, rip ‘em a NEW ‘UN, BABY!!” commanded Jaden the Commander!

“UhYAAAAHHHHH!!” Wildheart shouted cutting the air with his blade!

“REYOOOOW!!” Dark Panther hissed, turning his paws into blades somehow!

“MMNNNNF!!” Neos muffled as he punched with his fist!

“Yah RIYUGHT BOY BLUNDER!!” chortled the scores of velociraptor fans. “YOU JUST MADE A BIG MISTAKE!! HA HA HA HA HA!!”

 

“THEY ARE CORRECT!!” Wheeler corrected! “I ACTIVATE THE TRAP CARD: A RAPTOR EMERGES!!” Thus appeared a Trap card with a velociraptor superhero flying through the air with a cutting motion of amazement. “NOW IN RESPONSE TO YOUR ATTACK I SUMMON THE GIANT RAPTOR, AND THEN ANTICIPATING YOUR ATTACKS, I WILL SUMMON A SECOND AND THEN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MONSTER!!”

A tremendous velociraptor appeared! (Giant Velociraptor: 1400 Attack Points) “YAH!” Wildheart sliced! Another Giant Velociraptor flew out of the stomach wound! (Wheeler: 2900 Life Points)

“MM!!” Neos slammed! A completely different velociraptor swam through the bloody stomach! (Wheeler: 1800 Life Points)

“NREEEIIIGH!!” neighed the newcomer, for it had the head of a velociraptor, the front legs of a horse and the tail fin of a large fish!

“IT IS THE TATSUNOOVELOCIRAPTOR!!” Wheeler read off of his piece of paper written up in advance! (Tatsunoovelociraptor: 1350 Attack Points, Level Five)

“Woah now!” Dark Panther gasped, leaping away!

“Wow! Now that is one messed up trading card!” Jaden laughed. “I’ll end my turn by THROWIN’ DOWN TWO FACE-DOWNS.” Two card holograms appeared. “Get yer game on yo!” he added.

“BOO,” someone said.

“I think we were all beginnin’ to miss that guy,” sniffed Jaden.

 

“WE WILL ALL MISS YOU ONCE YOU ENTER OUR BOWELS,” Wheeler grimaced. “I SUMMON THE VELOCIRAPTOR WITH HORN!” A velociraptor appeared. He had a horn. (Velociraptor with Horn: 0 Attack Points, Two Stars, Tuner) “STAB THE FISH-LIKE HORSE VELOCIRAPTOR AND EVOLLLLVE!!”

“NREEEIIIIGH!” Tatsunoovelociraptor shrieked! And so he exploded into…

“VOLTIC VELOCICORNN!” Voltic Velocicornn had appeared as a forest green, twice-horned velociraptor. (Voltic Velocicornn: 2500 Attack Poi—) It and Neos exploded. “NOOOOOOO! WHAT DID YOU DOOOOO?!”

“Oh, I used a Trap card, Staunch Defender, so your monster has to attack my monster,” Jaden explained.

“Outta SIGHT!” Dark Panther said.

“And then I use Call of the Haunted to bring my Neos back from the Graveyard, yo!” Neos reappeared. “Now THAT’S DINOMITE!!” the Dark Panther jeered.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHRRRRRG!!”

 

The Duel Disks exploded a little bit. The top of their decks caught fire and melted into the Graveyard. “Woah yo, that ain’t cool!” gasped J-Bird. “What’s the dilly-o, dino?”

“STOP IT!!” whined Wheeler. “WHEN MY VOLTIC VELOCICORNN DIES, BOTH OF US HAVE TO DISCARD THE TOP SEVEN CARDS OF BOTH DECKS!” Additionally, a mage appeared in a cloak. It had the head of a velociraptor. “I’LL NOW PLAY DOUBLE VELOCIRAPTORS SO THAT I CAN SUMMON ANOTHER VELOCIRAPTOR THIS TURN, WHICH I’LL GLADLY DO.” A velociraptor with a lock on its neck appeared. “LOCK VELOCIRAPTOR!”

“Mrow,” it mewled. (Lock Velociraptor: 1200 Attack Points, 3 Stars)

“WHEN LOCK VELOCIRAPTOR IS SUMMONED I MAY SUMMON ANOTHER VELOCIRAPTOR FROM MY GRAVEYARD!” Thus appeared a discarded Key Velociraptor! It was a mini-velociraptor with a key on its tail.

“QUEAK,” it squeaked. (Key Velociraptor: 1 Star, Tuner)

“Oh snap, your Tuner’s ‘bout to get TRIASSIC up on here, right yo?!” gasped Jaden, surprised. “I can’t count YOU out, Wheeler!”

“DON’T,” the mechanized monster ordered. Something suddenly broke through the earth with its claws!

“GRAWL,” growled a velociraptor covered in chains. (Chain Velociraptor: 4 Stars)

“WOOOOOOHH!!” the velociraptors cheered. “IT’S OVER NOW!!”

“Ooooohoohoohoo!” Dark Panther gave Jaden a hi-five. “Ship iz gettin’ hee-zot in heeyuh!”

“STOP EXCITEMENTING!! MY CHAIN VELOCIRAPTOR CAN BE SUMMONED, AFTER DISCARDED, WHENEVER I CONTROL TWO VELOCIRAPTORS AT THE SAME TIME! AND NOW IT’S TIME TO SYNCHRO SUMMON ONCE MORE!! RISE, THUNDER VELOCICORNNN!!!” Lightning struck the three creatures thrice each, UNLOCKING their true potential! AHHHAHAHAHAAAA!! Their forms melted together… into a golden, blue-maned velociraptor, with THREE MAGMA-HOT SALMON HORNS as long as it was high! “ALSO I PLAY A FACE-DOWN. REMEMBER!”

“WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP!” it bellowed. Every velociraptor shed iron tears in its memory. (Thunder Velocicornnn: 2800 Attack Points)

 

Elemental Hero Neos clapped heroically. “… WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Wheeler asked hatefully.

“You did good,” Jaden assured. “I mean, at the last second, you got yo’self a monster stronger than my Neos fusions. But you’ve turned a deaf ear to a few notes. One; I still got Grand Mole.” Grand Mole appeared.

“RAPTOR TRAP GO!” A raptor appeared and carried Grand Mole off into its mouth.

“Whoop!” Grand Mole cried.

“Okay, okay yo got meh wit’ yo Trap card, but there’s still one more thing:

”

 

“SUDDEN MUSICAL INTERRUPTIOOOON?!?!” Wheeler’s charts exploded! Dark Panther became amorphous again and flew into Neos’ magical CHEST SAPPHIRE OF JUSTICE, causing his costume to become black, cat-like, growing steel nails upon his fingers and feet! Wings extended from his back over the shoulder blades, bat-like and contradictory! A fine dark dusky mist floated around him, causing him to look even cooler! The sapphire faded to indigo and glistened like a precious gem. “Okay, so now I guess Dark Neos has a theme song! Nice!”

“DARK PANTHER WAS A BEATNIK, NOT A JAZZ MUSICIAN!!”

“Same diff, yo. Now let’s seal ‘dat power, ‘kay?” Dark Neos flapped his wings once, sending a wave of dark dust all over the velocicornnn!

“AHEEEEEHK,” it honked, unable to sneeze for the evil heroicosity entering its scaly form!

“DAAAAHHHHHH!!!” the reptiles shrieked! “NOOOO, BECAUSE WHEN THAT GUY GETS DESTROYED THEN HE CAN SUMMON ANOTHER UNICORN AGAIN MEANING THAT IF KILLED THEN HE WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO FALL BACK UPON!!! EXPLANATIOOOOOOOON!!”

“Soul Union,” Jaden added, holding up a Spell card featuring Sparkman getting hit by THE SPOOSHAL ENERGY OF THE FALLEN. “Wildheart gains Attack Points equal to the attack of one Elemental Hero from my Graveyard that you’ve so helpfully discarded: BLADEDGE!” The goldyman hero’s spirit rose next to Wildheart and stared upon the shiny velocicornnn with extreme prejudice. The best possible revenge was to COMBINE WITH WILDHEART’S VERY SOUL. Wildheart was filled to the brim with the power of a discarded Bladedge for usefulness. (Wildheart: 1500 -> 4100 Attack Points) “Now go! Slice that sucker up with Sucker Punching!”

“Uryaaaaaaah!” Wildheart grunted, firing golden blades of pain from his forearms! They cut straight through the three horns of Dusky Thunder Velocicornnn, killing the magic forever. It melted into myth and legend. (Wheeler: 500 Life Points)

 

The force of the attack knocked Wheeler sideways! “OooooOOOOWWWUUGH!!” screamed he! “THIS WASN’T SUPPOSED TO END WITH—”

“Dark Neos attack!” Dark Neos faded into the mist, becoming somewhat invisible. Surprisingly, he appeared behind the velociraptor leader and slashed through his chest. Cybernetics flew everywhere. Blood and scales followed. “Oh, and before I forget,” Jaden remembered, “DINOSAURS CAN’T HAVE DEAF EARS. THEY DON’T HAVE EARS! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET YOU MAN-EATIN’ MO-FOS!! YEAH!” (Wheeler: 0 Life Points, Game Over)

“Hmhmm!” Dark Neos added with a claw-thumbs-up as all the card images faded back into obscurity.

“Uh, me too!” Avian guessed. He exploded into flesh and feathers.

 

That was because thousands of velociraptors ripped him to shreds. “Great game, lil’ boy!” Mocking Velociraptor mocked.

“How DARE you hurt our leader with holographic images?!”

“YOU GOIN’ TUH JAYULL LIHL BOAH!”

Jaden spat. “Wait, y’all! You told me you might NOT eat me if I won!”

“Raptors don’t know how to play card games,” Crafty Velociraptor chuckled. “HOW DO WE KNOW YOU WON?”

“Well Wheeler fell over and…” Dark Panther tapped Jaden’s shoulder. “Yeah DP?”

Dark Panther glanced toward the crowd. They held out countless nooses. “RUN YO ASS OUTTA HERE!!” he warned.

“Oh.” Jaden turned around and ran his ass toward the valley-slash-exit of Velocity County.

“After hiiiiim!” the velociraptors cried! As two or three stayed back to help Wheeler cheat death again, the rest of the horde followed after Jaden. Luckily, Jaden’s emancipation was so great that his major loss of weight gave him LESS WIND RESISTANCE!! He barrel-rolled toward the valley, nearing success…

“This is actually kinda horrifying!” he chuckled. Then he was smashed in the face by twin iron bars. “OOOWUG?!” gurgled Jaden.

“End of the road for you, kid,” Guardvelociraptor snapped.

“KHEEEEH!!” Guardingvelociraptor hissed.

 

The lightweight bounced off the dirt and onto his back. “Say your prayers boy,” Guardingvelociraptor muttered, throwing his metal pole toward Jaden!

“I SAY NAY!” Glow Moss shrieked, appearing from Jaden’s subconscious! “RUN, JADEN!”

“Glow Moss!” he gulped. “Will you make it?!”

“Pheh,” she sighed, “as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.” The bar hit her, causing her to explode into disgusting speckles.

“MEEEP!” Jaden rolled out of the way as the bar got itself stuck in the ground. He flipped to his feet and slipped toward the SHOPPING MALL. There was only one more thing he could rely on. I hope it’s still here…!

 

Jaden sat down quietly and began watching the television. “—the REAL Housewives of Velocity County,” the television shared. On that note, seventy eight velociraptors broke through the walls of the round shopping hub.

“GET IN THE MOUTH!!” a velociraptor demanded, pointing toward his gullet.

“I wanna eat you!” said a baby velociraptor, holding up a large spoon.

“Uh,” stammered Jaden, “well, eh, I… gotta come up with a one-liner.” He put on his thinking face. The raptors inched closer and closer. They came to a standstill.

“…”

“…”

“You said WHUT b****?!” a velociraptor housewife shouted, punching a friend in the snout.

“GOOOOOO!!” the dinosaurs shouted, leaping forth to fill their foodplaces!

“Oh yeah, motorcycle,” Jaden recalled, leaping onto the generic black motorbike on the table. He pressed the ‘ON’ button and took off as all the raptors bounced into each other. “I’ll ex-TINCT you later!”

“WAAAAARRRRRGGG!!”

 

The boy who had never ridden a motorcycle before in his entire life rode out through the door surrounded by broken wall and plaster, leaving the rest to scramble to their feet and try to catch up. He thundered back toward the valley pathway and through the velociraptor guardsraptors. “Ow,” they cried, exploding.

“Now to get through the dangerous thin pathway!” Jaden cheered! “What could POSSIBLY go WRONG?! Oh wait.” He looked to the top of the valley. Several dozen raptors were running along the top in perfect killing position.

EVERYTHING COULD GO WRONG, JADEN BOY! Wheeler thought insidiously! His eyes flashed, blowing the two or three raptor helpers doting on him away! Wheeler began to float like a real raptor, emanating blinding energy from his form. He was at ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT. MIND CONTROL POWERS, ACTIVAAAATE!!

 

“NYAAAH!” a raptor cried, falling down upon Jaden from above.

“Woah!” he gasped, running her over. “This… can’t be…” The sky above him wet pitch-black. Ten-thousand velociraptors fell from the sky.

“DAAAAAHH!!” cried Jaden! He swerved to the left, then swerved to the right, then took out a trading card: Elemental Hero Neos! Okay, yo, this is the time, he told himself. The time to show what the powers you got from Banner’s soul in episode 58 REALLY DO. I’m gonna stick this card on mah forehead, then integrate him into my body and gain his powers. Because that’s what happened when I beat Kagekidmaru as Flame Wingman. Please, readers, this was calculateeeeeed!! He smacked Elemental Hero Neos onto his forehead. “INTEGRAAAAATE!” He was swathed in lightness. It faded… and he was Jaden in an Elemental Hero Neos costume on a motorcycle. (Jaden: Neos) He punched away fifteen velociraptors falling over his head. “Oh yeah,” he said.

 

“HA HA HA HA HA, FOOL,” Wheeler insulted in a booming echo of a voice, “YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE UPPER HAND NOW THAT YOU’RE A FAKE SUPERHERO? I HAVE MIND CONTROL POWERS OVER VELOCIRAPTORS!”

“And?”

“WE CAN DO THIS.” All the raptors of Indonesia flew into the clouds. They fell back down to earth as a giant velociraptor made out of several thousand velociraptors. Out of its forehead sat Wheeler in all his bloody glory. “BOW DOWN TO YOUR MAKER, JADEN!” It truly was… a velociraptorvelociraptor.

“KHEEEEEEEEEEEH!!” it screamed. Several rocks along the valley exploded.

Jaden revved his handlebars. The motorcycle growled metaphorically. He took off at top speed. “OHCRAP OHCRAP OHCRAP OHCRAP OHCRAP.”

“YOUR CRAPPING CAN’T SAVE YOU HERE!” The velociraptorvelociraptor dashed along, straddling both halves of the precipice with ease. Lasers flew from every raptor eyeball.

“OW OW OW OW OW OW OW,” Jaden cried, feeling the sting of eyebeams all over his back and back of head.

“Kiddo!” Dark Panther assured, flying alongside him. “You ARE Neos-ish now, right my man?”

“YES YES YES HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME.”

“Boy, use your head,” Dark Panther tsked tskingly.

“… Get in mah sapphire, cat man,” Jaden allowed, gaining a SPOOSHAL grin of main characterosity.

 

The velociraptorvelociraptor noticed a small black flash down deep below. WAIT, Wheeler realized. HE’S DOING SOMETHING! In expectation, each velociraptor cell of his superbody opened their mouth up wide. Energy started to collect! “VELOCIRAPTOR FLAAAASH!!” Energy shocks discharged throughout its coarse frame. Somehow they all curved around and targeted the Jaden.

BWOOOOOOM!! the valley went. There was but a smoking crater left upon the scorched earth, nothing more, nothing less.

 

However in the air flew Jaden, wings outstretched, form Dark Neos-ed, seated upon the motorcycle with arms folded. I guess it had a really sticky seat or something. “Well, I guess we all know where THIS is going,” Jaden supposed. “Game over dude.”

“W-WAIT, WHAT’S GOING—” A black haze covered the island. All light was sapped from sight, so they couldn’t see, y’know? Wheeler’s head felt funny. His velociraptorvelociraptor body couldn’t move.

“Negated yo power, yo!” he telegraphed.

“WAIT. WAIT! DON’T DO ANYTHING HASTY NOW!”

“Nah, I think I’ll do it hastily,” Jaden disagreed. He bent down over his handlebars and clutched tightly. His wings folded back up upon his back. The motorcycle flashed. It drove straight through the velociraptorvelociraptor. Velociraptorvelociraptor blew up into flaming nothingness. Jaden… had won. “Ex-TINCT you later, sunuvajabroni.”

(Death Count Season Two – 7905)

 

“GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!” they all wailed. “MAKE! IT!! STOOOOOPPP!!!” Magically, the thousands of raptor spirits rose from the dead! They stared at Jaden with all the hate they could muster. Some of them even exploded into a puddle of blood from the anger. One Wheeler floated up to Jaden’s face and sneered.

“YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE NOW?” Wheeler complained. “YOU’VE KILLED MY ENTIRE RACE!!”

“Oh, uh, I didn’t know the motorcycle would make you explode, just fall apart?” Jaden supposed, rolling his eyes.

“LIAR!!” Twenty daggers of mistral ancestry plunged into his chest!

“Ow,” he said. He pulled them out. “Dudes, you shouldn’t try to kill me for killing you!”

“WHY?” Wheeler asked, turning into… a giant triceratops with sharp teeth and wheels for legs.

“Well—WOAH! How’d you do that?” A pillar of flame blasted through his stomach. “YEOW! THAT’S HOT!”

“Don’t you know?” Gamey Velociraptor’s ghost informed. “BEING A GHOST GIVES YOU SUPERPOWERS!!”

“Did we just jump some shark up in here?” Jaden gulped.

“YeaYUH!” chattered a velociraptor in a fancy kimono with a katana as it cut Jaden’s calf musckle.

“Oof!” Jaden slipped over onto his motorcycle. “Wait wait wait, this can’t be happenin’! I can’t die here!”

“YOU’D BETTER,” said Wheeler, crashing into him from behind! The boy was blasted into a boulder for added alliterative appeal! “YOU ALMOST DESTROYED ME OVER A YEAR AGO! ALL OF THAT BECAUSE I WAS FOLLOWING PREDATOR NATURE!”

“But you get MEAT at the MEAT STORE!” Jaden explained. “Damn! Why can’t animoles GET that?!”

 

All of the velociraptors shook their heads in disappointment. “We’re PREHISTORIC PREADATORS. We HUNT our food,” Some Velociraptor said sadly.

“THEY FED ME DUELISTS FOR BREAKFAST,” Wheeler revealed. “I KNEW NO OTHER FOODSTUFF. I DIDN’T GET LUNCH. DUELISTS WAS DINNER AS WELL.”

Jaden took all this in as countless ghosts punched him in the face. “… I know what I must do,” he told himself. “I must SET THINGS RIGHT!! WHEELER! HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO BE A TRICERATOPS?”

“MAYBE!”

“Then I shall grant all of your dreams,” he said seriously, “including YOUR DREAMS OF BEING ALIVE AGAIN. GHOOOOST POWEEEER CANCEEEEELLLLLL!” Jaden waved his arms around. The haze returned and faded within moments. And EVERY GHOST WAS ALIVE AGAIN. (Death Count Season Two – 2509)

 

“W-W-W-ASS PULLLLL???” the raptors gasped.

“Wait,” Wheeler realized, staring at himself, “I am… A REEEAL TRICERATOPS WITH WHEELS FOR FEET?!” He rolled around in circles thrice. “This is… this is… AMAZING.”

“WOO!!” screamed a velociraptor with non-painful flaming foots.

“I can smell the wind again,” a young velociraptor accepted, relaxing his acidic frame.

“Wheeler, I’m sorry I tried to beat you up after you tried to eat the most useless character,” Jaden apologized.

“Well, Fluffy Fred’s even more useless,” Wheeler accepted. “You DID bring us back to life with superpowers, sooooo… I GUESS we can let you off the hook THIS time…”

“AW SWEET!” Jaden cried, removing his Dark Neos guise! “AND I got a motorbike! AND a sliced-up calf and knife wounds in my chest and punches in da face!”

“i can see the future too,” she muttered, holding up a copy of the script. “would you like to see what you must do in the plot next?”

“… YES,” Jaden wanted. “DO I GET BACK TO THE ACADEMY?!”

“actually, it says here that you have to go to Domino City,” Clerical Futuristic Velociraptor stated quietly.

“What? Why?” he asked quizzically, nodding his head.

“i thought you got that script too.”

“Disregard her, Jaden,” Wheeler calmly stated, rolling alongside him. “Now, we give you leave of our isle. But if you ever come back here we’re eating your face. And you’ll scream about it. Got it?”

“I keep the motorcycle?” he pleaded.

“VRUM VRUM!” it went.

“Fine. Now get out.”

 

Jaden revved it up once more. This reminds me of Senkai, yo, Jaden thought to himself. “You don’t gotta tell ME twice, yo! Thanks for da memories, folks. You taught the readers a valuable lesson…”

“That good ideas always end revoltingly?”

“Exactly.” Jaden rode off into the sunset… toward Venice, Italy. Wait for me, guys, ‘cause I’ll find you… IN DOMINO CITY!!

 

[spoiler=NEXT EPISODE:]Now that Jaden has revived the entirety of Raptor County, he has been able to create his own army of super-powered once-dead dinosaurs at his beck and call. But with great power comes great responsibility... OF KILLING ALL THE BAD GUYS. What can Sartorius possibly think of to combat his new menace? Nothing... except for maybe HELLMONSTER TRUCKS? Jaden's Army! The Truth Lies in the Heart! We'll see you next time... RAWR!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am so sorry that the ending was so crappy. I was rushed...

 

 

 

[Weather Report - Stand]

f*** this. f*** this f*** this f*** this. Nobody cares about my opinion! I mean, I put up a poll to get some audience participation missing since the first month or so of the entire series. SEVERAL DOZEN VIEWS LATER NOBODY EVEN GLANCES AT IT.

 

I'm so frickin tired of begging you people for opinions. Nobody cares about the author. I HAVE THE LITERAL LARGEST VIEW-TO-POST RATIO OF ANY NON-STICKIED TOPIC IN THIS FORUM SECTION. MAYBE EVEN THE WHOLE SITE. So I'm leaving. No more updates, nothing. If you want to keep reading, just go onto Fanfiction.net and look me up, but I'm not staying. Vote now!

[The True Ace Attorney]

I voted "Don't"

 

If you're going to leave though, you should. If you really hate this place so much there isn't much reason in sticking around. If you're only waiting around for replies and stuff, you're fighting a battle that can never be won. You're more likely to get more replies out of making several new fanfics that updating a long going one.

[Kendo Fish]

This is Kendo FIsh coming over here for some reason. I know how Weather's been acting, and I think he should just get out of here. If he's/you're only staying for his fan fiction, and nobody's commenting on his fan fiction, then he ought to just leave. And that is why there will be at least one vote for the latter choice. ...Just wanted to put that out there.

[legolover09]

I voted that you shouldn't leave. I haven't commented on his fan fiction in a while, because, well over seventy chapters is very daunting to read. I read the first few. My advice is to find a different fan fic to write. Or, you can do what I do. I leave for a couple of months and eventually return. That is why, even though my account is one of the oldest I see around (I mean seriously, my account was created before Crab Helmats), I am not well known. But it prevents me from getting to bored.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Wow. Three votes. Thank you to the three of you, sister included, who posted their opinion. I'm closing up shop here, so if you still care about the story, I'm going to continue writing it on Fanfiction.net, so look me up if you want to. Thanks for all the continued support, your uncaring Weather Report - Stand.

 

Ready for locking.