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Yu-Gi-Oh! Aspiring Beginnings!


.Leo

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[center][IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/qp4egl.png[/IMG]

[url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/195151-leos-yu-gi-oh-ccg/]Club Thread[/url]

Welcome to Yu-Gi-Oh! Aspiring Beginnings!

This Fan Fiction is made by Leo's Created Card Game and written by either me or Evanm7 and edited by the majority of CCG members.

We will try to get you guys a chapter every week, mostly every monday night, so we have the week to write, and the weekend to edit.

Character bios might be made, not 100% sure on that atm though.

Release Dates:
Chapter 1- January 16,2011
Plot- November 19, 2010

[Spoiler=Plot]
Evanm7 should make a new one
[/Spoiler]

[url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229422-yu-gi-oh-aspiring-beginnings/page__view__findpost__p__4938710]Chapter 1[/url][/center]
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[quote name='Älfred-Kün' timestamp='1290265383' post='4797543']
Leo, I can edit or do some writing if you want. I don't want this to be terrible. Thankfully, it actually looks okay at the moment. But it's too early to decide.
[/quote]

No problem. I will be writing chapter 1 today so editing can be done tomorrow if that is okay with you?
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  • 1 month later...
[spoiler='Chapter 1']
[b]Deciding Draw![/b]
Lyion had an easy grin on his face as he laid out his orange-sleeved deck in the center of the table. His opponent, an amiable fellow named Damien, did the same.
Both Lyion and Damien, nearly at the same time, took the top part of their respective opponent's decks and separated it from the bottom half, then laid the bottom half over the top half.

Underneath that seemingly cocky attitude Lyion's thoughts ran dark. If he lose this match- three duels in quick succession,- he would be eliminated from the tournament and have no chance of making it to the Texan Regionals.
“Good luck,” Damien said, picking out a die from a small jar he held in his hand. “You’ll need it! Game on!”
Damien tossed out his die. It rolled past 3, then 4, then 2, and finally rested on 4. Lyion took up the die and cast it, fidgeting nervously as it rolled on the red tablecloth and revealed a… 3. Biting his lip, the young duelist asked
“Who first?” Damien answered the question by drawing 6 cards, indicating that he was taking the first turn.
“Alright! We’ll start this turn with a common play. I activate the effect of Mezzo Galen! [b][1800/1100/LIGHT/Fairy/Level 4.][/b] I discard him to add 1 Mezzo from my Deck to my hand.”
An explosion of light lit the room. A gallant knight appeared in the center of the hologram-projecting table, bringing down his sword to cleave the head of an invisible enemy. As the sword came back up, the knight disappeared to be replaced by a silent rouge, holding two knives in his hand as he cut and twirled. Slowly, the hologram faded. “That, as you may realize, is the Mezzo Chiptune. And I’ll activate his effect; sacrificing the power of the top card of my deck to Special Summon him! Appear, Mezzo Chiptune!”
Once more, the shadowy rouge appeared, though now he was sharper and more in focus. Bringing out two daggers, the fighter went into a defensive stance. [b][1400/100/LIGHT/Fairy/Level 3][/b].

Lyion sat, mute, watching the predictable opening move of the Mezzo deck, which was incredibly fast and run by most people. “I activate Chiptune’s effect, paying 1000 Life Points to add the Mezzo Rouge to my hand.” Red light drained from Damien and entered Chiptune, then exited in a violent flash of red lightning. The red aura shaped into a wiry form, a dark, slim figure clutching a staff. [b][1100/400/LIGHT/Fairy/Level 2/Tuner][/b]. “You know what happens next! I Normal Summon Mezzo Rouge, and activate his effect! Special Summon! Mezzo Galen!” The same human appeared in the air, lifting his staff and calling back the valiant knight who had fallen. “Synchro Summon! Through the hopes of many and the power of the stars, a new form is created to fight against oppression! Appear, Mezzo Beat!”
A shimmering light lit the room. The knight ran towards the Rouge, and as soon as they touched, everything went dark in the room. Then, in the very center of the Duel Table, a miniature star began to grow. Then, it formed into a giant horse on top of which was a knight, holding a lance aloft in the air. [b][2400/1300/LIGHT/Fairy/Level 6/Synchro][/b]
“I’ll set a card and end my turn,” Damien said, grinning.

Lyion slipped the top card of his deck from its holder and into his hand.
“Let’s start this duel! I Normal Summon Owl the Wise! His effect activates, adding Ancient Ritual from my deck to my hand.”
A sharp cry lit the air as a snow-white owl flew onto the field, staring straight into the horse’s eyes.[b] [1500/1400/WIND/Winged-Beast/Level 4][/b] A blue aura formed around it, shaping into the distinct form of a card. The hologram shrunk into a regular card, and Lyion brought his hand across to grab it. “I activate Fallen Soldier. I return one card from my hand to my Deck, then send 1 monster from my Deck to my Graveyard. I choose to send Phoenixian Cluster Morrian!” Lyion’s face was in a distinct grin, knowing that he could bring out an amazing boss monster. “You’ll now see the true power of my Deck. Activate; Ancient Ritual! I Remove from Play the Cluster in my Graveyard to Ritual Summon Dark Eyes Crimson Phoenix!”

A giant pillar descended from the ceiling of the Duel Arena. A brief, flickering image of a plant-warrior appeared in front of the pillar. Then, a pillar of blue energy shot from the ground, enveloping the image and the pillar. The shadowy image of a great beast began to appear…

Damien looked on with a dumbfounded look. He had expected to face another Mezzo deck, or at least a Valiant Turbo deck. This strange deck-type was new to the talented duelist. The mist cleared. The blazing outline of the great dragon-bird was highlighted against the wall, and seemed to be absorbing power. “Activate effect of Crimson Phoenix! It deals 200 damage to each of us for each card on the field and in our hands.

[b]Beat, Chiptune, 4 cards in hand, 5 cards in hand, Phoenix, Owl the Wise. 2600 Damage.

Lyion: 5400 (Phoenix)
Damien: 4400 (Chiptune and Phoenix)
[/b]

A bright blast of energy lit the room, covering both Duelists.
“Battle Phase! Phoenix, Doom Demise! Destroy Mezzo Beat!” The molten bird swooped down, unleashing a torrent of energy on the knight. The aftershock of the blast hit Damien, minorly injuring him.
“Follow it up, Owl! Destroy Mezzo Chiptune!” The owl beat its wings, lifting itself into the air, then swooped down, claws out. The rouge managed to get its knives up, but was destroyed by the faster owl. One of Chiptune’s daggers flew towards Damien, causing more red energy to leak from him.

Damien shakily drew his next card. Glancing at hit, he suddenly grinned.
"Don't count me out yet! This draw will let me win the duel!"
[/spoiler]

derrrr
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Well, good first chapter, though I agree it is short.

By the way, I'm kind of iffy about Fallen Soldier. Obviously you're trying to make another Foolish Burial, but making Foolish a -2 is hugely detrimental. I'd recommend a 5-800 LP cost instead. (Copy+Paste to whatever thread those cards are in)
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If it helps at all, Cakey, Fallen Soldier is a quickplay, so you can chain it to a destruction effect for a -1 like Foolish. As stated in the OP, these are from Leo's CCG. Visit and enjoy!

Ritual decks are pretty terrible, Alfred. Mezzos are pretty amazing, given that every turn they can churn out synchros.

The chapter is short because I wanted to test the water, as it were, before really going in depth. Next one will be longer, I pwomise.
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IT'S SO SHORT

But I play Touhou; I'm not allowed to say short is bad. Not that I would.

RUBRIC YAAAAAAAAY
Conventions: [b]B[/b]
There's an overall feeling that something's wrong as I read, but actual mistakes are rare, and they're at least passable for a fanfic. Also, I lol at Mezzo Makeup.
Characters: [b]D[/b]
I see zero distinct personalities and one plot vessel spread out over two characters.
Plot: [b]D[/b]
Generic tournament. Boooooooooooooooring.
Effort: [b]B[/b]
You actually went back and fixed something. I can't say you're not trying.
Readability: [b]C[/b]
The spacing is poor and the dialogue blocks aren't easy on the eyes.

Score: [b]50% -- C[/b]
Second-highest ranking I've given a fanfic on YCM -- though I probably wouldn't bother reviewing this on FF.net. The main problems are, of course, in the characters and plot, which are so generic that they impact the readability. It would have been a chore to get through the first chapter had it covered more than a single turn. Spacing out the text blocks and making "who's speaking when" clearer would be highly beneficial, though again, the primary problems are with plot and character development. While tournament stories can work, they have to be character-driven, and the characterization, as it happens, is also awful here.
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