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Yu-Gi-Oh! Echoes of Eternity - Alpha


AsianGuy1137

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Note: Rated PG-13 for some slight language, suggestive themes from the main character and mature themes (later on).

[spoiler=Introduction]A tall, well-shaped young man that could easily have the body of a world-class underwear model approaches you. Nah, I kid, but I do think I’m pretty close on the self-description. Anyway…

Hi, I’m Colton Summers, just your average irresponsible adolescent who decided to turn to the world of dueling in seeking solace from the regular responsibilities of having to get a goob job and work hard for your money, you know the boring stuff that society drones you into doing. Looking back on it now, I almost regret not becoming a world-famous office cubicle worker! I’m serious you know, I’m multi-talented, and I can do anything I set my goals to. At least that’s what my teachers told me.

No, but really. I enjoyed dueling. I’m sure that’s something I have in common with pretty much every normal kid, or at least only the extremely cool ones that the rest of the social hierarchy at school decides to ignore because they’re not worthy enough to even make eye contact with us. Right, you get the picture. However, I did have one outstanding quality, besides my obviously irresistible charms and wicked sense of humor.

Although it is a secret, I think I can trust you with it. In fact, I think I’m going to have to tell you my whole life story. Hopefully you’ll learn something about the magic of love and friendship with some big life lessons or something like that. At the very least, learn from my mistakes so you won’t have to repeat them.

So you ready for the secret? Here goes.

I’m actually not human…

Nah, I really am, but I’m one of the few humans in the world… No scratch that, in the entire universe… Wait, still not entirely correct, in the entire MULTI-verse to be bestowed with some special talents – the product of millennia of genetic recombination, artificial sequence splicing, and maybe a few mutations on Mother Nature’s side – oh, and also the grand cosmic force of the universe shaping your destiny to its will, can’t forget about that in any good story. The end result? Some freaky supernatural shiz that includes but is not limited to: extra sensory perception, superhuman senses, the ability to materialize thoughts into reality, and the ability to jump into alternate realities!

Sounds like classic fan-fiction nonsense right? Yeah, it does, but I swear I’m telling the truth, and I obviously never exaggerate. I also hold the world record for traveling the longest distance in the shortest amount of time. That’s not the only world record for length that I hold, I might add, *hint* *hint* for all you ladies out there…

So where was I? Oh right, my life story. Well, I’m not going to spoil the surprise, so let’s start from… around the time my life changed, like FOREVER! Anyway...[/spoiler]


[center][font=Book Antiqua][size=6]Yu-Gi-Oh!
Echoes of Eternity[/size][/font][/center]

[center][i]“It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time…”[/i][/center]

[center][font=georgia,serif][size=4][b]- Act I -[/b][/size][/font][/center]
[center][b][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/247398-yu-gi-oh-echoes-of-eternity-revised-ch-0-up/page__view__findpost__p__5748459"]I - Alpha: The Beginning[/url][/b][/center]

[spoiler=Note:]
- Duels follow the following format:
Duelist 1: (Hand/Monster/Support) - Current Life Points
Duelist 2: (Hand/Monster/Support) - Current Life Points
- Many cards with effects that I don't think are too well known by everyone (like Swallow's Nest/Phoenix Wing Wind Blast as opposed to Mystical Space Typhoon/Monster Reborn) will have their effects written out, verbatim.
- Commonly used terminology accepted by the fan community such as mill/spin/bounce will be substituted for the usual wording in card texts.
- Sit back and enjoy the show.[/spoiler]
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I found this story to be very amusing and entertaining. However, I find the phrase "It's over 9000!" to be overused and cliched. Also, I failed to understand the setting of the story. You made several errors as well.
[quote]“I’ll take the first turn,” declared Colton as he drew a card, “By summoning ‘Wind Weaverbird’!” A graceful green-feathered bird with long sleek wings appeared (3/1200/1500).[/quote]

[quote]“Alyssa…” Colton looked up and her to be greeted by a friendly smile. It was all the more frustrating to watch Alyssa cheer him up after everything she’s already done for her, especially when he was trying to win this duel so he could repay her.
[/quote]

Finally, can you please explain what the parentheses mean and describe the cards more carefully or with more detail (especially made-up cards)? While reading this, I was pretty confused about what was going on.
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Did you mean grammatical errors? I usually proofread my stories pretty thoroughly and miss only minor errors like a comma-splice or an extra word that don't really detract from the oveall cohesiveness of the story. If you could point them out, it would be much appreciated, and I'll try to fix them immediately.

[quote]Finally, can you please explain what the parentheses mean and describe the cards more carefully or with more detail (especially made-up cards)? While reading this, I was pretty confused about what was going on. [/quote]
The paranthesis around the cards only show that those are actual cards. Sometimes, in dialogue or narration, descriptions can be confused with actual cards. I guess I could describe the cards more thoroughly, but I try to focus on the actual duel instead of descriptions for the sake of keeping the story a reasonable length and the duel easier to follow. I'll include more descriptions next time and see how it goes.

As for the setting, I thought it was adequately described as being in a dojo where wager duels were being held.

[quote]After a few more minutes of sharp turns and fitting between tight spaces, Colton and Alyssa stopped in front of a foreboding yet impressive structure. It stood out from its surroundings partially because of its sheer scale in comparison and partially because of its oriental-themed, archaic designs. Altogether, it held the illusion of resembling a Japanese dojo. Yet, instead of being dedicated to the sacred art of swordsmanship and upholding of the sacred code of honor, it was utilized for a more trivial pursuit – a game of Duel Monsters.[/quote]

As for why they're there.

[quote]“Yeah. I’ve been dueling in wager matches to get make easy money.”[/quote]

and

[quote]Your friend was after a very rare possession of mine, an ancient duel disk from the Old Era.[/quote]

Both describing what Colton was up to. Anyway, thanks for reading, I'll try to make my next chapters easier to follow. If there's anything else you'd like to point out, don't hesitate to do so because I'm fairly new to this, and I need all the help I can get.
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No, actually, what I meant about the setting was the time and place (well, not really, it was pretty well described). Is this story occurring in the same timeline as the anime or is it an entirely new one? Is this a futuristic time period or is it more modern? Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this. I'm expecting something great!
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Oooohh! Very mysterious. I really like this chapter. My heart was literally racing to find out what would happen next. It felt like watching a dramatic show and the episode ending right when it was getting good.

And now, for the bad news. Alyssa somewhat reminded me of Maya from Dead Zone. I was also confused by this one little part.
[quote]“Legendary Argentavis?” Alonzo stood bewildered by the magnificent winged beast towering before him. “I take it this was your price for winning the tournament – an opportunity to design your own card.”[/quote]
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  • 7 months later...
  • 2 weeks later...

For some reason, I was experiencing an internal server error everytime I tried to enter the thread so I couldn't update for a while... until now. Hope one of the few stragglers who take a look over this fanfic enjoys this update.

[spoiler=I - Alpha: The Beginning]
“In the beginning, there was darkness, but the darkness was incomplete so God said let there be light, and there was light… So darkness and light were intertwined. They were the separate contrasts of one another that existed to define each other, but without the other, neither could exist.”

Duality is the unifying theme behind all the forces of existence. It is the third law of motion stumbled upon by some forgotten scientist of ages long since forsaken. It is the law of conservation, one of the unifying principles of thermodynamics. It is a phenomenon manifested by everything. And it is one thing that can never be defied. Yet no matter how unequivocal this universal truth remains, humanity has never failed to persist in its struggle against the nature of the world, and the nature of its own existence.

What if someone somewhere noticed that the world wasn’t always fair? What if he thought to himself that if he had known what was going to happen, he could have prevented it? What if he thought that if he could predict how the stream of time will flow, he could change its course and change the course of destiny?

Destiny is a concept that resonates within the hearts of all people. Do people truly have a destiny that they must follow through or do they have a choice, a way to change things and to decide the future for themselves?

A man born in misfortune does not have to die in misfortune. What if humanity could not only rise above its misfortunes but transcend the mortality intrinsic to human nature? What if humanity could transcend its imperfections and reshape the imperfections of the world like a god?

Regardless of what aspirations humanity bears, the one fundamental truth can never defied. For one person to become wealthy, another must become poor. For a life to be extended, another must be shortened. For progress to be achieved, a cost must be paid. A cost must always be paid.

[b][i]- Dream -[/i][/b]

[i]A man appeared, clad in a dark metallic covering that gleamed with light. The surface of his entire body was reflective, as if covered by some kind of metal armor, but no, it wasn’t armor exactly. The man had a device strapped onto his left arm while his right arm was raised, pointing forward. Then fire – fire consumed everything, and there was darkness…[/i]

[b][i]- C -[/i][/b]

Suddenly, a blunt force hit Colton on the back of his head causing his senses to overload with pain, waking the teenager up from his peaceful slumber.

“Ow!” Colton rubbed the back of his head, trying to soothe the pain that was aching throughout his head. After his vision cleared, Colton turned around to try to locate the source of the assault. His eyes stopped on the girl standing in front of him.

The girl had a frosty white complexion with some freckles blending into a face of sharp features. Locks of vermillion hair flowed by the girl’s sides. She could have been described as a cherub, if it wasn’t for her current expression. Colton immediately recognized the girl as Alyssa Daggett, a childhood friend of his.

Colton sat upright from the toilet stall he was awkwardly situated on. “Alyssa? Why would you hit me – wait no, WTF are you doing in the guy’s restroom?!” Colton quickly pulled up his pants as Alyssa looked away.

Alyssa was fuming with rage. Colton just stared at her, awaiting a reply of some sort. Then, he noticed a glint in her eyes. It was filled with the intention to kill.

Colton gulped.

Alyssa unleashed her bristled rage upon the powerless victim in the form of a slap across his face. It was filled with the searing flames of a thousand supernovas, and it burned more than any mortal could bear to endure.

Tears streamed down Colton’s face as Colton tried to speak through the agonizing pain. “Why? Why would you do something so cruel?”

“Oh, the nerve…” Alyssa’s face contorted into an expression of disapproval. “You skip class on the excuse of eating too much for lunch, and you fall asleep in the restroom, and you do it on the day we have our Physics unit test? And you still have the nerve to ask question me?”

“Oh, well, when you put it like that, I, um… was studying in the restroom, and I fell asleep, studying… oh and I accidentally dropped my notes in the toilet while I was flushing.”

Alyssa raised her eyebrows in a demeanor as if she was questioning Colton’s sanity. “You… were studying… in the restroom? How does any part of that make any sense?”

“The sound of flushing helps me concentrate?”

Alyssa face-palmed. “Right, I’m dragging you back to class.”

Colton kneeled down and begged for mercy. “No, please! Anything but that! I can’t take any more electrostatics or fluid motion! My head is about to explode!”

“Colton, calm down! The course is already over.”

“Oh thank goodness, I thought I was going to have to fake a heart attack… So um, why are you in here again? I wouldn’t want anyone to start any rumors about you being a trans-”

Alyssa hit Colton on the head. “I’m here because the field trip for social studies is about to start. The bus is already here. I had to plead with Ms. Mallone to go and find you. I didn’t want you to miss out.”

“You mean you didn’t want to miss out on being with me? I knew you couldn’t resist.”

“Please, I have better standards than that. Anyway, let’s get going, I can help you study for the make-up test on the bus.”

“Good one.”

[b][i]- Dream -[/i][/b]

[i]A man wearing a white lab coat inserted a needle into something. Then everything became blurry. After a few minutes, the surroundings became clear again. Sitting upright, something didn’t seem right. There was an aching presence on your left arm like a crushing sensation. Looking down, a duel disk was strapped on an arm. Then, the outline of a man approached, and everything became white.[/i]

[i]A voice echoed throughout the vestiges of consciousness. “Wake up!”[/i]

[b][i]- C -[/i][/b]

“Wake up!” Alyssa shook Colton sporadically. After a few seconds, Colton began flailing his arms around as if he was trying to hit something.

Groggily, the now awakening teenager muttered, “Whaz goenon?”

“You fell asleep during the ride. We’re here now.”

“Here where?”

“The limits of the Sanctuary. Just beyond the dome walls lie the ruins of the old era.”

“The old era?” Colton jostled himself up and stared out his seat window. Beyond the tinted glass lay what seemed like an endless expense of collapsing buildings and heaping mounds of rubble and debris. The sky was a light-orange color. It reminded Colton of the fire he saw in his dreams.

Colton turned to Alyssa. “This place looks kind of familiar.”

“Familiar? You’ve never been here before.”

“Well, I have… in my dreams. Except, this place looks more less chaotic, more like its resting in peace.”

“Colton, are you high?”

“What –”

Before Colton could finish his remark, a shrill voice at the front of the bus screeched through the air. The Social Studies professor was clearing her throat to get the passengers’ attention.

“Listen up, you snot-nosed brats, we’re at the outskirts of the Sanctuary limits. Now, there are very strict guidelines we have to follow out here. If anyone of you misbehave, I’ll be sure to reprimand you personally.” The vile old woman took out a large paddle from her oversized purse and began smiling sinisterly.

“Kinky,” said Colton, “But she’s not my type…”

Alyssa rolled her eyes. “Try not to do anything stupid. Well, stupider than usual.”

The class embarked on a very strictly regimented tour barely beyond the outer reach of the walls. A tour guide led the group to various pre-set destinations where an educational lecture would be given.

The tour guide pointed into the distance. “As you can see, the majority of the former metropolis is now a wasteland. There is almost no trace of life outside the dome. The air quality can be hazardous after prolonged exposure which is why we’re all wearing these air filters. The water has become contaminated with innumerous amounts of diseases and pollutants making life virtually unsustainable...”

Colton yawned in boredom.

“Excuse me young man,” said the tour guide as he looked at Colton, “But is there something you’d like to share with the rest of us?”

“Oh yeah, I had a question. Is there anywhere I could go to, you know, take care of business?”

“Hmm, I’m afraid not young man. You could just go behind that building over there in the distance. Just be sure to not wonder off too far out of sight. I guess we can all take a ten minute break. We can take the time to clean our filters and…”

Colton walked around a corner of a nearby building hoping that it would provide him with some semblance of privacy. Feeling the urge to relieve his bodily functions pressuring him, Colton unzipped his pants. Then the scenery changed. The lighting became darker, and the buildings seemed to become elongated. Colton looked around in confusion. Everything seemed to be distorted as if he was looking through thick glass.

“What the f… Am I tripping?”

An eerie voice resounded through the air. “[i]Come find me…[/i]”

“Who said that?” Colton looked around, trying to locate the source of the voice. Seeing that he was alone, Colton started panicking. “If this is some elaborate prank, then it’s really creepy. Especially when I’m trying to do my business…”

Then Colton felt someone touch him from behind. Colton turned around immediately. Recognizing the person behind him, Colton started to relax. “Alyssa?”

The surrounding scenery returned to normal.

“Colton, were you just talking to yourself?”

“Oh, um, I thought I heard someone. Was there something you wanted to tell me?”

“Ms. Mallone decided to take a ten minute break, since you’ve been away for almost five minutes now.”

“Five whole minutes? But I just got here…”

Alyssa examined Colton more closely and noticed that he was sweating profusely. “You’re sweating. Are you feeling alright?”

“Great. I was just sweating from the strain of, well, you know.”

“Too much information.”

“Right… So since we’re taking a break, how about a duel? It’ll only take like five minutes. Please?”

Alyssa took a moment to consider the offer. “Fine, but just five minutes.”

“Don’t worry, five minutes is all it takes for me to give the ladies a good time.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes. “I told you already, snuggling with your pillow doesn’t count…”

The two teenagers walked to opposite ends of a clearing between the decaying structures and activated their duel disks. The two simultaneously declared, “Duel!”

“None of that ladies crap,” declared Colton as he drew a card, “Pros before hoes is how I roll”.

[b]Turn 1[/b]
Colton – 8000 || (6/0/0)
Alyssa – 8000 || (5/0/0)

Colton placed a card onto his duel disk. “I summon ‘Whirlwind Avian’!” A majestic, white-feathered winged beast clad in elegantly decorated silver metal with golden encrusting appeared wielding a long, golden staff. ‘Whirlwind Avian’ (4/[u]1800[/u]/1200).

[b]Whirlwind Avian[/b]
Monster | WIND | **** | ATK – 1800 | DEF – 1200
Winged Beast | Effect: When this card is Summoned, you can return 1 card on the field to its respective owner’s hand. Once per turn, you can return 1 other face-up WIND monster you control to your hand.

“Using its effect,” stated Colton, “I’ll return itself to my hand which triggers the effect of ‘Windchaser Avian’!” The elegantly decorated avian was replaced with a smaller winged beast wielding a halberd. ‘Windchaser Avian’ (4/[u]1500[/u] -> 2000/1200).

[b]Windchaser Avian[/b]
Monster | WIND | **** | ATK – 1500 | DEF – 1400
Winged Beast | Effect: If a card is returned to its owner’s hand, you can Special Summon this card from your hand. This card gains 500 ATK for each WIND monster you control. Your opponent cannot attack other WIND monsters you control. Once per turn, you can return 1 other face-up WIND monster you control to your hand.

“And that’s not all,” continued Colton as he slid a card into his duel disk, “Because I activate ‘Nest Migration’ to special summon another copy of ‘Windchaser Avian’!” Alongside the first halberd-wielding winged beast appeared a second one. ‘Windchaser Avian’ (4/[u]2000[/u] -> 2500/1400) x2.

[b]Nest Migration[/b]
Spell | Normal
Select 1 face-up Level 6 or lower Winged Beast-Type monster you control. Special Summon 1 monster from your Deck or Graveyard with the same name as the selected monster.

“Not bad,” remarked Alyssa, “You have a basic attack lockdown set up.”

“Just for you. I’ll set two support cards and end.”

[b]Turn 2[/b]
Colton – 8000 || (2/2/2)
Alyssa – 8000 || (6/0/0)

“Alright, I’ll start off by activating ‘Sorcery Shatter’ and targeting your support card one!”

[b]Sorcery Shatter[/b]
Spell | Quick-Play
Pay 1500 Life Points. Send 1 Spell or Trap Card on the field to the Graveyard. Card effects cannot be activated in response to this card’s activation.

Colton – 8000 || (2/2/2)
Alyssa – 8000 -> 6500 || (5/0/1)

Colton watched helplessly as his right side support card disappeared from the field. “At least you didn’t pick the good one.”

“It’ll get its turn. Now I activate ‘Dimensional Conflux’.” Alyssa picked up the top five cards of her deck, slid four cards into the Banished slot on her duel disk, and added one to her hand.

[b]Dimensional Conflux[/b]
Spell | Normal
Banish the top 5 cards of your Deck. Add 1 of your banished cards to your hand and banish this card.

“With this effect,” explained Alyssa, “I added ‘Entropy Vindicator’ to my hand. Then, I’ll summon it.” A large mass of darkness pervaded onto the field as an aura of black and purple surrounded it, forming a dark-armored warrior wielding a sword shrouded by swirling purple energy. ‘Entropy Vindicator’ (4/[u]1900 -> 2400[/u]/1500).

[b]Entropy Vindicator[/b]
Monster | DARK | **** | ATK – 1900 | DEF – 1500
Warrior | Effect: This card gains 100 ATK for each of your banished cards. Once per turn, you can return 3 of your banished cards to your Deck to destroy 1 card on the field. During your End Phase, banish the top card of your Deck. If this card is destroyed, banish it.

“I return three of my banished cards to my deck,” declared Alyssa, “To banish one of your Avians!” The warrior held up its sword causing a surge of darkness to rise up from the ground and engulf one of the winged beasts. ‘Entropy Vindicator’ (4/[u]2400 -> 2200[/u]/1500).

“Not playing around today are you?”

“There’s not even time. I just want to make this short and simple. Anyway, I enter my battle phase and attack your remaining Avian with Vindicator!” The warrior raised its sword and rushed at the winged beast.

“Not quite,” declared Colton, “I activate my support card, ‘Wind Barrier’!”

[b]Wind Barrier[/b]
Trap | Normal
Activate only if you control a face-up WIND monster. Negate the attack of your opponent’s monster, return it to the hand, and draw 1 card.

A whirlwind descended onto the field and knocked the warrior off the field. Alyssa picked up the card from her duel disk and returned it to her hand.

“Then I’ll just set two support cards and end.”

[b]Turn 3[/b]
Colton – 8000 || (4/1/0)
Alyssa – 6500 || (3/0/2)

“Hmm, you could easily summon your monster next turn, and you already have a plus one advantage. You might have two facedowns, but I can’t afford to be on the defensive.”

Colton returned his monster to his hand and placed another card down in its place. “I return my ‘Windchaser Avian’ to hand to special summon ‘Wind Elemental’!” A small tornado twirled onto the field as a the nearby clouds were sucked onto the top of the tornado, taking the shape of a humanoid. ‘Wind Elemental’ (4/[u]1000 -> 1900[/u]/1500).

[b]Wind Elemental[/b]
Monster | WIND | **** | ATK – 1000 | DEF – 1500
Fairy | Effect: You can return 1 WIND monster you control, except “Wind Elemental”, to Special Summon this card from your hand. When this card is Summoned, it gains 300 ATK for each of your opponent’s empty Spell & Trap Card Zones. Once per either player’s turn, you can discard 1 card to negate the activation of a Spell or Trap Card and destroy it.

“Then,” continued Colton, “I’ll normal summon my ‘Wind Weaverbird’! Using its effect, I’ll bring back ‘Windchaser Avian’!” An elegant bird with long, flowing feathers in stripes of blue and yellow descended onto the field. It was followed by an armored and white-feathered winged beast wielding a halberd. ‘Wind Weaverbird’ (3/[u]1200[/u]/1300). ‘Windchaser Avian’ (4/[u]1500 -> 3000[/u]/1400).

[b]Wind Weaverbird[/b]
Monster | WIND | *** | ATK – 1200 | DEF – 1300
Winged Beast | Tuner: When this card is Normal Summoned, you can Special Summon 1 Level 4 or lower WIND monster from your hand. If this card is used for the successful Synchro Summon of a WIND monster, that monster is not affected by Spell or Trap Cards.

Colton then placed the two monsters he had just summoned into his Graveyard slot and placed a card from his Extra Deck onto a Monster slot. “I’ll synch Weaverbird to Avian to synchro summon ‘Ascension Avian - Hurricane’!”

[b]Ascension Avian – Hurricane[/b]
Monster | WIND | ******* | ATK – 2500 | DEF – 2000
Winged Beast | Synchro | Effect:
1 WIND Tuner + 1 or more WIND non-Tuner(s)
When this card is Synchro Summoned, Special Summon 1 of the Synchro Materials. This card gains 300 ATK for every other WIND monster you control. Once per turn, if a WIND monster you control would be destroyed, you can return it to your hand instead.

The winged beast and the elegantly-patterned bird disappeared from the field followed by the emergence of a large eagle-like winged beast standing on its hind legs. Brilliantly streaking armor with golden adornments covered its upper body as sharpened metallic blades protruded from metal wrist covers surrounding its claws. Then, the winged beast wielding the halberd flew up from a crevice in the floor. ‘Ascension Avian - Hurricane’ (7/[u]2500 -> 3100[/u]/2000). ‘Windchaser Avian’ (4/[u]1500 -> 3000[/u]/1400).

“Hmph,” Alyssa smirked, “Going for an OTK?”

“You read my mind. I enter my battle phase, and attack you directly with all three monsters!”

Alyssa raised her right arm causing her right side support card to reveal itself. “I activate ‘Dimensional Prison’ in response to your ‘Windchaser Avian’s attack!”

[b]Dimensional Prison[/b]
Trap | Normal
When an opponent declares an attack: Target that monster; banish that target.

Colton chuckled as he slid a card from his hand into his Graveyard slot. “I discard a card to activate the effect of ‘Wind Elemental’ – it negates your trap card!”

“Not exactly,” responded Alyssa as her other support card revealed itself, “I chain to your Elemental’s effect with ‘Transcending Curse of Facetwisting’!”

[b]Transcending Curse of Facetwisting[/b]
Trap | Normal
Negate the activation of an Effect Monster’s effect until the End Phase. After this card is destroyed or resolves successfully, select 1 “Transcending Curse” Trap Card in your deck and set it on the field.

A sudden wormhole appeared in front of the winged beast wielding the halberd, absorbing it within its confines and removing it from the field. ‘Ascension Avian – Hurricane’ (7/[u]3100 -> 2800[/u]/2000).

“Since my trap resolved successfully,” explained Alyssa as she set a card from her deck, “I can set another ‘Transcending Curse of Facetwisting’ from my deck.”

“Whatever. I’ll continue the onslaught with my other two monsters!” The eagle-like winged beast and elemental charged through Alyssa, causing her life point meter to drop to a dangerous red zone.

Colton – 8000 || (1/2/0)
Alyssa – 6500 -> 4600 -> 1800 || (3/0/1)

“I’ll end my turn. How was that for an onslaught?”

“Not bad, considering how much you used to suck.”

“Oh, that’s right, I forgot that sucking is your talent. Sorry, I’ll leave you to it.”

“…”

[b]Turn 4[/b]
Colton – 8000 || (1/2/0)
Alyssa – 1800 || (4/0/1)

Alyssa smiled when she saw noticed what card she drew. “I now have a plus two card advantage. I could care less about life points. I summon ‘Entropy Envoy’ and use its effect to bring back your ‘Windchaser Avian’!”

A figure clad in dark, purple robes appeared wielding a crystal rod with an amethyst core at the top. The figure tapped the rod on the ground, causing the space behind it to become distorted. The armored winged beast wielding a halberd appeared. ‘Entropy Envoy’ (4/[u]1800[/u]/1400). ‘Windchaser Avian’ (4/[u]1500 -> 2000[/u]/1400).

[b]Entropy Envoy[/b]
Monster | DARK | **** | ATK – 1800 | DEF – 1400
Spellcaster | Effect: When this card is Summoned, you can Special Summon 1 banished monster. During your End Phase, banish the top two cards of your Deck. If this card is destroyed, banish it.

“Next,” continued Alyssa, “I’ll activate ‘Mind Control’ to take control of your ‘Wind Elemental’!”

[b]Mind Control[/b]
Spell | Normal
Take control of 1 monster your opponent controls until the End Phase. It cannot declare an attack or be Tributed.

Colton considered using his monster’s effect to negate the spell, but he remembered that Alyssa had a set effect-negating trap that could replace itself. No point in netting yourself a further disadvantage. “Fine.” The elemental floated to the other side of the field and turned around to face Colton. ‘Windchaser Avian’ (4/[u]2000 -> 2500[/u]/1400). ‘Ascension Avian - Hurricane’ (7/[u]2800 -> 2500[/u]/2000).

“Now,” proclaimed Alyssa, “I’ll attack your synchro with ‘Windchaser Avian’ and attack you directly with ‘Entropy Envoy’!” The two winged beasts collided and destroyed each other in a shower of pixels. The robed spellcaster proceeded to launch a wave of purple light at Colton, depleting some of his life points.

Colton – 8000 -> 6200 || (1/0/0)
Alyssa – 1800 || (2/2/1)

“I don’t care if you have a plus four advantage. I still have the lead in life points. Besides, my ‘Wind Elemental’ will return to my side of the field during the end phase.”

“I’m glad you brought that up. I’ll enter my main phase two. I overlay your ‘Wind Elemental’ and my ‘Entropy Summoner’ to exceed summon ‘Fortitude Warrior’!”

[b]Fortitude Warrior[/b]
Monster | EARTH | Rank 4 | ATK – 2300 | DEF – 2100
Warrior | Xyz | Effect:
2 Level 4 monsters
Once per turn, if this card would be destroyed, you can detach 1 Xyz Material instead. When this card is destroyed, draw 1 card.

“To finish,” concluded Alyssa, “I’ll set one support card. Your turn.”

[b]Turn 5[/b]
Colton – 6200 || (2/0/0)
Alyssa – 1800 || (1/1/2)

“Hmm, seems like lady luck is on my side. I activate ‘Pot of Sacrifice’!”

[b]Pot of Sacrifice[/b]
Spell | Normal
Pay 2000 Life Points. Draw 2 cards. Your opponent draws 1 card.

Colton – 6200 -> 4200 || (1/0/1)
Alyssa – 1800 || (1/1/2)

Colton drew two more cards from his deck and smirked. “Time to make an incredible comeback. I summon ‘Windstream Avian’.” A winged beast holding a harpoon descended onto the field. ‘Windstream Avian’ (4/1900/1200).

[b]Windstream Avian[/b]
Monster | WIND | **** | ATK – 1900 | DEF – 1200
Once per turn, when a card is returned to its owner’s hand, you can return 1 WIND monster from your Graveyard to your hand. Once per turn, you can return 1 other face-up WIND monster you control to your hand.

Colton slid a card into his duel disk. “I activate ‘Resurging Current’ to special summon ‘Windchaser Avian’ and return your Xyz to your extra deck!”

[b]Resurging Current[/b]
Spell | Normal
Special Summon 1 WIND monster from your Graveyard. Return 1 card on the field to its owner’s hand.

“Chain!” announced Alyssa as one of her support cards revealed itself, “With ‘Dimensional Intervention’!”

[b]Dimensional Intervention[/b]
Trap | Counter
Return 2 of your banished cards to your Deck. Negate the activation of a card effect and banish the card.

“That’s alright,” replied Colton, “I activate ‘Advanced Synchronization’ by paying two thousand life points to banish ‘Wind Weaverbird’ from my graveyard, one level four wind monster and one level two wind monster from my deck to synchro summon ‘Ascension Avian - Horizon’!”

[b]Advanced Synchronization[/b]
Spell | Normal
Pay 2000 Life Points. Select 1 Synchro Monster Card in your Extra Deck. Banish Synchro Material Monsters from your side of the field, Deck, or Graveyard that are listed on the selected Synchro Monster Card and Synchro Summon it. It is banished during the End Phase. This card’s activation cannot be negated.

Colton – 4200 -> 2200 || (1/1/1)
Alyssa – 1800 || (2/1/1)

The sky darkened as a gigantic, golden-feathered winged-humanoid swirled onto the field. Its body was decorated with glinting silver adornments with a central chest plate covering its torso. With its claws, it held a four-pronged spear with streaks of lightning outlined throughout the pole. ‘Ascension Avian - Horizon’ (9/2900/2500).

[b]Ascension Avian – Horizon[/b]
Monster | WIND | ********* | ATK – 2900 | DEF – 2500
Winged Beast | Synchro | Effect:
1 WIND Tuner + 2 or more WIND non-Tuner(s)
This card cannot be destroyed or removed from the field by the effects of Spell and Trap Cards. This card cannot attack directly. When this card battles, you can banish any number of WIND monsters in your Graveyard to return the same number of cards on the field to their respective owner’s hand.

Colton smiled contently, having just busted out his ace monster. “And since I did technically use ‘Wind Weaverbird’ as a synchro material, you can’t use your trap on it. Admit it Alyssa, I’ve beaten you for once.”

Alyssa simply returned the smile. “Not just yet.”

“Alright then, ‘Ascension Avian - Horizon’, attack her ‘Fortitude Warrior’!” The gigantic winged beast ascended into the sky and prepared to swoop down for an assault. Then before the battle animation could play, the entire field cleared.

Colton looked around quizzically. “The hell just happened?”

Alyssa examined her duel disk. “Sorry about that, I guess my duel disk’s still malfunctioning. The graphics card short-circuited.”

“Yeah right, more like you messed it up on purpose so you wouldn’t have to admit defeat!”

Before Alyssa had a chance to respond to Colton’s taunting, the structures surrounding them began shaking violently. One nearby structure started falling apart. One of the pieces began falling down, towards Alyssa.

Colton realized what was about to happen in a split second and lunged at her, but they were both too close to avoid the collision together. Colton closed his eyes and pushed Alyssa away before the rubble collapsed on him.

Everything became dark.

After a few seconds passed, Colton felt a tingling in the vestiges of his consciousness. It was the sensation of pain, somewhere on his right arm. Colton opened his eyes, surprised to see that his surroundings were relatively clear, apart from a few small piles of rubble.

Colton turned to the source of his pain and noticed that his forearm was cut deeply and somewhat sprained. “Is that all? A small scratch? And to think I got all worried.”

As Colton lifted himself up, he realized that something about the surroundings was off. Looking around, Colton noticed that although the structures were similar, there were several distinct differences. Two differences were especially unnerving, sending shivers down Colton’s spine – the piles of rubble around him were drastically smaller than the collapsing structure he barely avoided in time and – looking around a little more, he reached the inevitable conclusion – Alyssa was missing.

[i]“So you’re here…”[/i] Colton was shocked to hear the inhumanly distorted voice sound through his ears. The tone was familiar, almost like he had heard it recently. Then it hit him. It was the voice he heard just before he started having delusions.

“What the hell is going on?”

Colton noticed that there was a faint glow in the distance, a crimson aura standing out from the background. Colton sprinted to the location. Nearing the destination, Colton stopped. Just in front of him lay the duel disk he saw in his dreams.[/spoiler]

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[spoiler="My opinions on chapter 1."]The faux-philosophic narration at the beginning seems out of place. It plods somewhat, particularly the three paragraphs in “However, the ruins... of everyday life.” Your writing bogs here down without bringing us in anywhere – yeah, humanity went down the crapper a bit, so what? Make it more concise.

I don’t have a good idea of the scale of the destroyed area – it could be a city block or the city as a whole from what I know. The fact that the two of them are alone doesn’t help, although I suppose that’s inevitable.

“It burned with the searing flames of a thousand supernovas, more than any mere mortal could possibly endure.” – I like the exaggeration here.

You at least did a good job with Colton and Alyssa’s dialogue. I enjoyed Colton’s narcissism and lewdness: too often we get characters that are just all upstanding and boring, which is jarring when they’re often just teenagers.

Why is he out of school like that without much guilt? I know he doesn’t like those courses, but kids can’t just walk out of school. (At least in this era.)

Skipping out on reviewing the duel structure.

“...just when I’m about to pown you?” I’m pretty sure it’s spelled pwn.

Aaand with those last two lines my opinion plummeted. Going with the last line new character!drama is overused, and there’s many other ways to build a sense of dread or foreboding without resorting to just stick the Omniscient Council of Vagueness in. It might be difficult, but I implore try something else.[/spoiler]

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Oh wow, thanks for the generous review! I didn't expect anyone to review this. Your points are all well taken, but I think the "faux-philosophical" rambling at the beginning is necessary for developing a plot line later on granted they might not be the most effective way to introduce the setting. As for the scale, I intended for the megalopolis ruins to convey a sense of the size but it'll be expanded upon next chapter. Oh well, you live and learn. I'm sorry if some of the plot devices are cliched, but this is gonna be one of those fanfics that does that to an extent (hopefully not a ridiculous extent). And to be blunt, I'm not even sure why the cliched ending is that much of a problem if I can develop it stylishly (which I guess is debatable but I think my plans are reasonable). I'mhlad you enjoyed Colton's characterization. Inevitably, there are loose ends, but I'll address them with further characterization in more appropriate settings in the next chapter. Thank you for taking the time to review.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Well I'm pretty sure no one's still reading this, but I changed the intro and Ch.1 a little. I think it's much more interesting now, but your opinions are always welcome. In fact, I would really rather hear your opinions than just rant to myself. Please, I'm begging, say something, ANYTHING! I have nothing else to live for...

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  • 3 weeks later...

I surprised to discover this is actually quite good. My mind was blown. My recommendations...

[b]Story:[/b]
The opening meditation on the nature of the universe is pointless. It doesn't dovetail with the rest of the chapter. It might fit with the nature of the rest of the story, I don't know, but right now the difference is jarring.

That probably goes in the Top 5 Most Nonsensical Reasons to Duel. It's not even "im bored letz dool", it's "we have enough time for an anime character to take one turn, let's duel". You might be able to smooth over the transition, but it seems to me the duel could just be cut entirely.

[b]Duel:[/b]
You seem determined to use all custom cards. Okay, I guess. But, and I know this is basically the only thing people say in the Realistic Cards section, but these cards are kind of over-powered. Yes, this is anime/fan-fiction so the cards don't need to be properly balanced, but...well, come on. Whirlwind Avian. It can automatically deal with any threat, just by being summoned. Not only is there no existing card with remotely similar versatility, it drains away all tension and highlights everything with a "why did he do blank when he could have just summoned like anything?"

Oh, and speaking of Whirlwind Avian, it returns itself to the hand turn one, but according to the text you provide, it can only return other monsters to the hand.

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A review.. from Dr. Cakey... said it was actually surprisingly good? My god.. I must have died and gone to heaven. And here I thought asians have no souls... Sorry, I'm being overdramatic with all these ellipses. Yeah, the opening meditation is pretty out of place. I'm just one guy who likes to ramble. When I wrote this, I was thinking of making this a serious fanfic as I have the general plot of the fanfic figured out, just not the specific details and transitiions to get there. Then I thought about making this a gag fanfic since I was mostly writing it for the duels, despite how bad they might be (I know whirlwind avian is pretty op'd, but considering that the meta is getting ridiculous and that I play with custom cards on Duel Portal, I don't think it's too much of a stretch). Anyway, the end result was this - a half-assed attempt at writing decent fanfic with clumsy structure and almost no sense of direction. I appreciate your feedback, it gives me some hope that I can still churn out something half-decent.

Are there any specific fanfics here that you consider to be good? I'm curious to see what the standards for good fanfics are here, but I don't really want to look through all of them one at a time. I like Dead Zone's story which I find to be absolutely amazing but the duels seem lackluster.

[quote] Oh, and speaking of Whirlwind Avian, it returns itself to the hand turn one, but according to the text you provide, it can only return other monsters to the hand.[/quote]
Colton was activating its trigger effect to bounce once card on the field upon summon, not the second ignition effect.

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[quote name='AsianGuy1137' timestamp='1329713776' post='5828354']
A review.. from Dr. Cakey... said it was actually surprisingly good? My god.. I must have died and gone to heaven. And here I thought asians have no souls...[/quote]
Mm, I'm not Asian, just a weabo. =D

[quote]I know whirlwind avian is pretty op'd, but considering that the meta is getting ridiculous and that I play with custom cards on Duel Portal, I don't think it's too much of a stretch[/quote]
Well, there are particularly patterns by which they have become ridiculous, but that's excessively obsessive in terms of YGO stuff.

[quote]Are there any specific fanfics here that you consider to be good? I'm curious to see what the standards for good fanfics are here, but I don't really want to look through all of them one at a time. I like Dead Zone's story which I find to be absolutely amazing but the duels seem lackluster.[/quote]
I've started to realize my standards are probably a [i]bit[/i] too high. Um, let's see, my memory's not great. Matt/Verz Bahamut is solid - or, he is now, anyway. I tried reading the previous two seasons of Hidden Legacy and couldn't manage it. There's like one or two other people, but they've changed their names so many times I can't remember 'em (speaking of which, Matt just changed his name to Galaxy...). Other than that, PikaPerson01 is very good (in keeping with the name-changing theme, she changed it to Hatcher). I think Rinne has only written two chapters of a story and abandoned it since I've been here, but those were good. Dead Zone's duels are probably the best you're going to see.

[quote]Colton was activating its trigger effect to bounce once card on the field upon summon, not the second ignition effect.[/quote]
Oh, should've realized that.

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