♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫ Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 [spoiler=Chapter 1, Sky Gazing Pt.1]A sweet, quite wind blew across Academia Island, quieting the boisterous students and giving the island its own customary lazy touch. The wind blew through the unkempt field, and the newly cobbled roads and out to the green fields surrounding the large school. Although the autumn day made the trees surrounding the field quite beautiful, they were deserted today. Deserted that is, for all but one person. A normal heighted and well-built young man was sitting in the grass he had determined amber eyes and ruffled-looking brown hair. His hair styled into a spike-like design, flaring out in the back, and incorporates a few amber-colored highlights that are usually only visible when in sunlight. He wore a red and white blazer that was a little long on the end, with a white v-neck undershirt, grey denim jeans and black sneakers. Lying back on the itchy, grass-covered slopes, Johan Maruki could see the blue sky spread endlessly above him. It was his first day of the school, and already the wind carried the heady scent of honeysuckle and still autumn evenings. For every day this past week, Johan had been preparing for his stay at the island. Although there was a meeting going on in the Academy’s Main Hall, Johan was too lazy and was worn out from the long fly from his hometown, Neo Burner Town. Johan had spent at least one hour already devoting his eyes to gaze up at the sky and the fleecy clouds that dotted it, pushed along by an unseen breeze. “Quite the view isn’t it?” a shrill voice said surprising him, making him jump from lying on the ground to a kneeling position. Catching his breath, he looked at the newcomer. It was a beautiful young girl, with long, pale white hair and blue eyes. She didn’t seem that much older than him, although something about her playful and yet serious blue eyes seemed to speak of someone who had seen the world many times before. She was dressed in a light, fresh white garment that left her arms bare, and seemed perfect for the newfound heat. “You know you’re supposed to be in the Academy’s Main Hall right now freshman?” the girl said looking at him playfully. Johan looked at the white haired youth with a rather annoyed look. She looks pretty familiar, he thought. “So does that really matter?” he asked. “Yes, it does,” she looked back at Johan with a displeased look. “If you don’t go and they find out,” she started, “You’ll be in detention for a couple of days you do understand that?” Johan began to put two and two together. “You wouldn’t?” he questioned the girl. “I won’t,” her white hair flew into the direction of the wind, “If you manage to beat me in a duel.” Johan smiled he might be wearing a red blazer but he was no slouch at dueling. “Fine,” he replied casually, “But would you mind making this quick?” She raised an academy issued Obelisk Blue duelist. She must be pretty good, he said inside of his head, But she’ll be surprised how I’ll exceed her expectations. [spoiler=Author's Notes]Author's Notes:And there’s the first chapter. I know it may seem a little short but I didn’t want to get too far into the story before I made the option of submitting characters. Also, I know that I usually start each of my fics with a Duel, but I didn’t want to complicate the first chapter too much. The Duel is coming up next chapter, though, along with longer chapters, I promise. Also, I’ll try and write at least one chapter per week / two weeks, depending on how busy I am with school and other activities. Character Profiles: When I add an Important character and when their name is revealed I'll make a Profile for them. Johan MarukiAge: 15Hair Color: Dark brown, with a few golden highlightsHairstyle: Bangs fall over the face, spikes out in the backEye Color: AmberHeight: 5”9Weight: 165 lbs.Favorite/Signature Card: UnknownDeck: UnknownPersonality: Johan is a bit of a dreamer, and tends to be generally optimistic. Friendly, although he can get pretty serious when it comes to Dueling. Despite his naiveness, Johan is a born leader and has an excellent sense of right and wrong.Hobbies: Duel Monsters cards, skipping class and staring at the skyLikes: Dueling, Eating.Dislikes: Dishonesty, boredom. === NEXT Chapter: Divine intervention watches my resolution at its peak!Sky Gazing Pt. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫ Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 Hey if you read this I would appreciate feedback Here's the app. Name Age: Appearance: [spoiler=][/spoiler] Favorite/Signature Card: Deck: Personality/Bio: Hobbies: Likes: Dislikes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kito Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 i like it it draws me in i cant wate to see the oncoming dule i want to know there card there deck there stratigys. plz send me likke whereve u make new chapets. doog discriptions, nice senary, nice first inpriseion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫ Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 Thank you and for being the first person to post there feed back you get +rep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mecha Love Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 I love the first chapter! I hope this whole fan fiction exceeds my expectations based on this chapter.You use a whole load of adjectives and what-do-me-call-its ;) which really draws in a reader. Overall, a very good first chapter, and I agree that a duel in the first chapter can make it a tad confusing. Its short but very well written. Well done! +rep!As said above, please PM me when chapter 2 is done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫ Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 I love the first chapter! I hope this whole fan fiction exceeds my expectations based on this chapter.You use a whole load of adjectives and what-do-me-call-its ;) which really draws in a reader. Overall, a very good first chapter, and I agree that a duel in the first chapter can make it a tad confusing. Its short but very well written. Well done! +rep!As said above, please PM me when chapter 2 is done!Thank you very much ^,^ I'll also be posting in the RP soon. BTW all those adjectives are thanks to my new English teacher. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mecha Love Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 LOL. No one needs to know that ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫ Posted April 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 bump and @ED lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendhiro Posted April 28, 2011 Report Share Posted April 28, 2011 short, but it holds the reader's attention. i like it, and will be keeping up on it in the future. i expect you to keep writing, and not give up like so many others. your writing is already at a higher level than mine was when i started writing fanfiction, and i haven't given up yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barian Warlord Posted April 28, 2011 Report Share Posted April 28, 2011 I liked it, I only have 2 notes, one the beginnings of the descriptions always seem weird and two I like how it wasn't super long most chapters I've read I stop half way though cuz they're so long so it is nice to read something so shirt.and like the others PM me when chapter 2 comes out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫ Posted April 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2011 short, but it holds the reader's attention. i like it, and will be keeping up on it in the future. i expect you to keep writing, and not give up like so many others. your writing is already at a higher level than mine was when i started writing fanfiction, and i haven't given up yet.Thank you very much and I personally love your writing and fics thanks for the feed back. I liked it, I only have 2 notes, one the beginnings of the descriptions always seem weird and two I like how it wasn't super long most chapters I've read I stop half way though cuz they're so long so it is nice to read something so shirt.and like the others PM me when chapter 2 comes outOkay no problem will do and chapter two is going to be a little lengthy because I plan to fit most of the duel into it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saiba Aisu Posted April 28, 2011 Report Share Posted April 28, 2011 Whoa.. not cool. This is my story that you copied almost word for word here! http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/110084-yu-gi-oh-days-of-the-black-apple-the-weaver-part-2/page__p__2005471#entry2005471 Just look at the opening for Chapter One.. And if I'm not mistaken, you also stole my formatting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Red Posted April 28, 2011 Report Share Posted April 28, 2011 I liked it but I believe I spotted some grammar mistakes and punctuation mistakes. I'm not entirely sure though, my English is good and all but it is still not my first language so bear with me if I'm mistaken (please? ^^'): fly should be flightand I think there was another one too but I can't remember (and I don't have the energy to go back and proofread)I would also go back and check punctuation, I think I spotted at least one place where a comma would've been nice and I think there was once place where I personally think the text would get a better flow if you exchange "Johan" for "He". I don't think it would've broken the rule of not starting two sentences in a row with the same word. Anyways, I'm doing these from memory now so they might be off and @ the conjugation issue, I might be wrong, but I think that would be the correct way to use the word in that sentence at least >_> I get very insecure when I'm pointing things out to people that are native English speakers as I always think they automatically know better ^^* I would probably consider changing the title of the chapter to prologue as well, it kind of feels like one to me due to the length :) I think that was all. Anyways, good work, and I will be checking this one out when you update with chapter 2 ^^ (Also, remember to PM me the card for the 1v1 battle, I'm done with mine now so I'm just waiting for you ^_^) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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