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Yu-gi-oh!: The Wanderer [Grande Finale]


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#1
Agro

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Programming Note: I'd really like it if those of you who read, but do not post, do so. It really helps my writing to know that I have more than just one person reading (though I still love you too, Star). So, if any of you have commented already and kept reading without commenting or if there are those of you who read once and are returning, I'd enjoy any comments or critiques. And in either case, it's been over a month since the last chapter, I'm sure there are some of you who are wanting to state your opinion. Thanks for reading!

Definitions: Amatuer League


Chapters 1-10


Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14

 

Finale

Comment, Rate, Review, por favor.


Edited by Agro, 11 May 2013 - 04:44 PM.


#2
Alestaire

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I actually liked that a lot. I felt like I was right in the story as I was reading it. Definitely looking forward to the next Chapter. It wasn't too long, or too short; but it was really good. Kudos.

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5.5.13


#3
Agro

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Chapter 2


Told you I'd have Chapter 2 up in a day or two.

Chapter 3 will take longer. I'm certain of that. Love to hear what you all think!

#4
{Galvantula}

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I just can't look away from this. Really interesting, and I really do look forward to seeing more of this. The flow keeps me excited, and it's good how it's not too focused on the duels.
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#5
Rinne

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My comments will be brief. Your writing is excellent, first of all, but I feel that it's too florid in places. You seem to be stuck spinning your wheels in places, focusing on expounding on description instead of actually advancing the plot. Description is certainly good, but too much of it in certain places can be dry.

As for your main character, it's too early to definitely say, but he seems too cliche. Having someone who mysteriously disappeared from an (apparently successful) dueling career when being acknowledged as a prodigy in his field by many, along with having custom cards, feels trite and overdone. Everett's personality is also rather bland as well - I couldn't discern anything specific about him. Even Leland seemed more fleshed out. (Also, minor point, but why would Leland be on an amateur circuit before going to the academy? The way I understood it, it went academy -> amateur -> professional.)

In whole, decent start, but you should rethink Everett's character a bit and give him some more pizzazz.

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#6
Agro

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My comments will be brief. Your writing is excellent, first of all, but I feel that it's too florid in places. You seem to be stuck spinning your wheels in places, focusing on expounding on description instead of actually advancing the plot. Description is certainly good, but too much of it in certain places can be dry.

I'll be sure to move it along faster. The first two chapters were exposition and initial incident, so there's never exceeding plot movement. I assure you the next chapter should be faster.

As for your main character, it's too early to definitely say, but he seems too cliche. Having someone who mysteriously disappeared from an (apparently successful) dueling career when being acknowledged as a prodigy in his field by many, along with having custom cards, feels trite and overdone. Everett's personality is also rather bland as well - I couldn't discern anything specific about him. Even Leland seemed more fleshed out.

In whole, decent start, but you should rethink Everett's character a bit and give him some more pizzazz.

I'll do my best to make Everett more rounded, I've always got a few tricks up my sleeve. (I wear XL; it's a really long sleeve). I think I know what to do with him, and I'm sure the character interactions in the next chapter will illustrate that.

Also, minor point, but why would Leland be on an amateur circuit before going to the academy? The way I understood it, it went academy -> amateur -> professional.

[Take this with a grain of salt (makes it taste better)] In this story, the amateur league is something people can do to get around going to the school. The league thing will be better explained in the upcoming chapters.

#7
Rinne

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I'll be sure to move it along faster. The first two chapters were exposition and initial incident, so there's never exceeding plot movement. I assure you the next chapter should be faster.


I'll do my best to make Everett more rounded, I've always got a few tricks up my sleeve. (I wear XL; it's a really long sleeve). I think I know what to do with him, and I'm sure the character interactions in the next chapter will illustrate that.


Don't promise: acknowledge and change. Not that I don't expect good things. ;3

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Besides, I happen to own quite a magnificent soup ladle.


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#8
Agro

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This is a BUMP.

Would like to know who else is reading (the views tell me nothing), and what you all think about it so far.

#9
Divine Chaos

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I think it's pretty good, but, yeah the main character seems kind of cliched. Apart from that, it draws me in. I like it and will continue reading.

#10
Agro

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Alright, good to hear. I hear you on the mc cliché, I've already started working on it. (but it is early in the story, so don't jump to conclusions)

Chapter 3 will be up tomorrow.

#11
Alestaire

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Took a little longer than I would've liked, but I just finished reading Chapter 2. I like Everett; he strikes me as a Chazz Princeton type character, in that he's sort of "in business" for himself, and somewhat annoyed by those below him, (or that he considers below him, anyway), yet in reality he cares.

The duel was interesting and kept my attention, which doesn't always happen with written duels. I don't hate Duel Academy stories, so I'm not too concerned with the early parts of this story being just that.

It's definitely really good, and I'm hoping you keep the suspense up for a few more chapters before revealing what exactly he's looking for.

Kudos, you've got a reader.

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5.5.13


#12
Agro

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Took a little longer than I would've liked, but I just finished reading Chapter 2. I like Everett; he strikes me as a Chazz Princeton type character, in that he's sort of "in business" for himself, and somewhat annoyed by those below him, (or that he considers below him, anyway), yet in reality he cares.

The duel was interesting and kept my attention, which doesn't always happen with written duels. I don't hate Duel Academy stories, so I'm not too concerned with the early parts of this story being just that.

It's definitely really good, and I'm hoping you keep the suspense up for a few more chapters before revealing what exactly he's looking for.

Kudos, you've got a reader.

Well that's uplifting. Like I mentioned before, chapter 3 will be done and up by tomorrow. But I should warn you all: It's a doozy. It goes for about 18 pages, so I'll split it up into 3 parts for those of you who can't or don't want to go through it all in one sitting.

#13
Alestaire

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Well that's uplifting. Like I mentioned before, chapter 3 will be done and up by tomorrow. But I should warn you all: It's a doozy. It goes for about 18 pages, so I'll split it up into 3 parts for those of you who can't or don't want to go through it all in one sitting.


That's the issue I'm having with the Mini-Arc in Hidden Legacy. 10-11 was supposed to be posted at the same time, like a "special", but it ended up going so long that I had to split it up into three instead. I'll definitely be reading three. :]

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5.5.13


#14
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That's the issue I'm having with the Mini-Arc in Hidden Legacy. 10-11 was supposed to be posted at the same time, like a "special", but it ended up going so long that I had to split it up into three instead.

Lol. Funny how that works.

#15
Alestaire

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Lol. Funny how that works.


You get into that "Z-ONE" (sorry, I had to), where you have a really good story or idea going, and you keep writing without realizing how long it's getting. At the same time, when you want to write something lengthy, you never have enough material. But awesome job; this is definitely one of my favorites. It seems similar and different at the same time. That's a good thing.

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5.5.13


#16
Plainview

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Really visual. Love it. My only concern is the characters, but that's already been said. Keep it up :)

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#17
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Does anyone mind a cultural name order mix-up joke in the next chapter. I'm not sure if it's too cliché'd or not.

EDIT: Well, whatever, y'all can get over it. Here's part 1 of Chapter 3. Up early since you've all been so supportive.

Chapter 3

Edited by AggroDrago, 01 September 2011 - 07:34 AM.


#18
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Alright, I finally got ALL of chapter 3 up, so here you go guys. Enjoy.

Chapter 3


*sits and waits for comments*

#19
{Galvantula}

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Awesome. Although being a long read, it sure didn't get boring. It's a good thing you don't make the reader forget about everything else that was happening, such as the people watching. All I can say is to keep working on this.
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#20
Agro

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Anxiety overload over.

I don't know what's more stressful for me. Writing the chapter or waiting for someone to respond to it. lol.

Sorry about it being so long. I'm sure you can see why that was, based on the type of deck involved.




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