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Yu-Gi-Oh!: Terminal World [Chapter 4 is now up. Rep to constructive comments.]

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#1
DARKPLANT RISING

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Yu-Gi-Oh!: Terminal World


Yeah, everyone loves the DT storylines. Many people have said that they want to write its fan fic, but I’ve never seen a single one, at least in the Creative Writing section. So why don’t I make it? Okay, so I’m not saying I’ll never stop writing 100% - I do have my school work – but I’m at least going to try. Besides, if I succeed I could be the first to achieve it. :3

Well, I first thought of writing from Synchro Awakening, but soon realized the “1st arc” of it (Worms, Fableds, Ice Barriers, etc.) was rather lackluster, and much inferior to the 2nd arc (Gishki V.S. Gusto, Lavals V.S. Gem-Knights, and Vylons V.S. Steelswarms) in terms of drama and such. So I decided to write just that. If I finish this and have time, I’ll write the 1st arc after that, but dunno.

On a side note, before reading this: Some parts of this are based on assumption. Also, I wanted to make people in this Terminal World live much longer than in ours, so just know that. I’m thinking people nearly stop aging at around twenty, and from then on the changes are extremely slow. So, for instance, Gishki Noelia is about two thousand years old (this hasn’t been stated in the story yet, but I’m thinking like this – I had to make it so for some reasons in plot), but she has the appearance of an IRL woman around the forties. Overall most life spans are hella long compared to that of “here”. I decided to trash the above crossed-out idea. Instead, I just thought up something else that wouldn’t result in a dozen plot holes. But not telling that yet.

Also, I'm adding a list of the appearing IRL OCG/TCG cards and some “making” footnotes-ish stuff at the end of the chapter.

From March 8th, I’m giving a rep to any constructive comment. Posts such as “Cool story” and “Nice” don’t classify here. “I liked this part of the story”, “I think this part of this story could be better”, etc. are. I’d especially appreciate grammar fixes – I’m Japanese, so I’m not that amazing at it.

List of Characters (Doesn't contain much spoilers)
Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4


#2
Pacmanexus

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Yay Darkplant writing :D

The first chapter looks really good.

That's all I got because I suck at writing so no feedback there.

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#3
Devil's Advocate

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I didn't want to write a full review like I usually do because I'm not in the mood to feel like writing for an hour straight on end when it's probably going to just backlash into my face.

The way the story was set up was incredibly concrete, even if you skipped the part involving the Worms and the "lesser" archetypes from the first Duel Terminal Series. Having a good strong start is one of the best things about writing. However, it is unclear as to who Noelia is talking to in the monologue. Is she talking to us, as the audience, breaking the fourth wall to reveal more about the story, or is she talking to her comrades during a meeting (which is the sort of feeling I got from reading it)? If it's the former, make sure to play your choices carefully. If it's the latter, then I would understand it a lot more, but using every single pronoun in existence in the monologue might confuse some of your readers, mainly me.

I also noticed a bit of grammatical structure that didn't really suit me at all, mainly the concept of passive voice. Passive voice is the number one killer in writing, and yet some people don't even realize that they are writing Passive Voice until someone points it out. For example:

Much of the Worms were defeated by it.



Even though the predicate and the subject were made definitively clear in the last sentence, in this sentence, the action here is passive rather than active, thus the problem with Passive Voice. You wouldn't say "The ball was thrown at Juanita", you would say "Julie threw the ball to Juanita". Consider revising these sentences. The easiest way to spot possible Passive Voice sentences in your writing is to look at all of the sentences that have "was", "were", or "be", and see if they are the connecting verb (this is advanced shizzle by the way). If they are, it probably is a case of Passive Voice and needs re-correcting.

Other than that, though, the passage looks terrific. Phantom Roxas had always been talking about making a DT Fan-Fiction, or at least a piece of work detailing the stories behind specific cards (I remember him talking about doing a story for Dai Grepher), so it's glad to know that someone else was able to pick up where he left off.

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#4
Phantom Roxas

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Glad to see a DT fanfic here. Like Xiahou mentioned, I've been planning one, but it's a very low priority compared to the other Yu-Gi-Oh! stories I'd like to write, and for the record, I'm far more interested in Eria and Gagagigo's stories than Grepher's.

There really is no point in doing a commentary because this was written very well for the most part, but this whole chapter was exposition, from Noelia's speech to her examining the Steelswarm Cell to the narration setting up the invasion against the Gusto. Noelia's speech is basically your way of saying "I don't want to write the first saga, so here are the details that relate to the Ice Barriers." It just seems like you're more interested in establishing a backstory that sounds more interesting to read in full detail rather than setting up a story we want to continue to read. In spite of that, I'll definitely be following this.

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#5
False Skel Bahamut Dragon

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Yay, potentially good YGO fanfic on the starboard side...

That's called Terminal World... ack...

*has a heart attack*

...

...

Right, interesting read. Noelia's address I thought was fine. It did start with 'my men' so assumed it was addressing an army, but it did also make me feel part of that army.

The scene with the Cell was well done to, nothing over the top but just sort of a 'hmm... that's odd, but I'm sure its nothing to worry about'. In an ominous sort of way. I'm excited by the potential of a character like Noelia; getting her right could be a very important factor in this story's success.

Didn't end on a particularly dramatic note though, even though it was with the threat to the Gusta. Even if it was just a paragraph of men sharpening spears, perfecting their rituals and sacrifices, etc, etc, would have just amplified the mood ahead of 'the storm was coming'. That's my one critisism, but otherwise a good first effort.

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#6
DARKPLANT RISING

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Even if it was just a paragraph of men sharpening spears, perfecting their rituals and sacrifices, etc, etc, would have just amplified the mood ahead of 'the storm was coming'.

That was sorta how I planned to start off chapter 2 :(

On Xiahou's note, fixed. I sorta suck at grammar, 'cause well, yeah, duh.

Thanks for the feedback guise.

EDIT: Wouldn't use that for Chapter 2.

#7
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i like this, i was thinking of doing a DT fanfic myself

it is an interesting read, i'll be awaiting future chapters to see how this fic develops. As for the grammar, it may not be perfect, but you done a good job regardless.

This is as far as you go. Your life points will soon be reduced to 0, and your life will be dust. It over. The heart is pain. The heart that humans used to believe in hold this pain. All your wishes that you've ever had, are all just pain. How worthless! Your hearts are what caused the future to be destroyed. Little Boy, this is Despair... Turn End. - Aporia


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#8
DARKPLANT RISING

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Thanks/bumped.

#9
Devil's Advocate

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Thanks/bumped.


When are we expecting Chapter 2, good sir?

You wish you were this smooth.


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#10
DARKPLANT RISING

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In several hours I'm going on a vacation, and I won't be coming back till the 5th (or 4th in the US). I dunno, but I've written about half of it so far.

#11
DARKPLANT RISING

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y u no post ppl

#12
Dragonite

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First chapter is excellent stuff.
Make second and I'll explode.


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#13
Legend Zero

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I saw, I read, I liked.

Though, my love for DT is blinding me.

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#14
DARKPLANT RISING

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Thanks guise.

Wanna write more, but big tests are near. Don't think I'd be update soon - sorry.

Chapter 2 is scheduled to be set in the Laval domain.

#15
Phantom Roxas

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So each chapter will introduce the various tribes? Sounds good.

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#16
DARKPLANT RISING

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Well, so far yes. Chapter 1 is Gishkis (since I thought they will be the main cast, with interesting backstory and characters), and Chapter 2 is Lavals (they have the second best characters IMO). Chapter 3 is Gustos, and Chapter 4 is Gem-Knights.

Anyhow, Chapter 2 is out guise.

#17
Legend Zero

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Aw yeah, best fanfic.

Handmaiden's personality is just as I expected it to be. :o

I didn't realize how 'comic-book evil' Laval the Greater looks. I lol'd at "Holy Sophia". It was a great read and can't wait for more.

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#18
Ke-Nan

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Read both of these, very well written Darkplant. I like the address at the beginning, and the second chapter was pretty funny.

Will definatly keep reading.

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#19
DARKPLANT RISING

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Thanks guise.

I can't write from next Monday to Thursday 'cause I'm going on an extremely long field trip to Kyoto/Nara. If I can write next chapter by Sunday, I'll post it. If I can't, it's by next Saturday.

#20
Devil's Advocate

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I was wondering when you were going to get around to posting the next Chapter. =)

Very fluent writing, I must say. The characters still certainly seem believable, as opposed to just flat characters. There was a lot of tension throughout the piece, leading up to a great cliffhanger (but we can probably deduce what happened afterward quite clearly). I'm trying not to be a prick about grammar here, but there is still hints of Passive Voice running around in some parts of the story, like in the very first sentence.

And I thought it was clever that you made The Greater and the Handmaiden hubbies.

You wish you were this smooth.


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