7 replies to this topic

[BlooperMan]

Chapter 1: Arrival at the Academy

Jay has been waiting for his letter to get to his house in Lutenburg from the Battle Academy JHS for two weeks and today he finally got it. Jay has dark brown hair and is wearing black sweats with a Kelly green shirt and black shoes.
The letter said “Hello there, my name is Professor Cedar and we live in a world of Pokémon. Pokémon are the magnificent creatures that inhabit this world. Sometimes they help us, sometimes they work with us. My job is to watch over the Battle Academy JHS and study the Pokémon here. I can’t wait to meet you.”
So Jay went to the docks and saw the S.S. Battle JHS pulling in to the docks. As Jay is walking toward the ship he hears a familiar voice yell “Hey, Jay!” Jay turns around and Dylan is running toward him. Dylan has dishwater blonde hair and he wears his royal blue shirt with his black jeans and navy blue shoes.
“Hey, Dylan,” says Jay.
They have started walking toward the ship when another voice yelled.
“Hey, boys!” said another familiar voice.
Dylan and Jay turned around to see Amber running towards them. Amber was named after her hair color. She wears a pink shirt with a purple skirt and black tennis shoes.
Amber tackled both Jay and Dylan at the same time. She was the fastest person in the three’s town. She got back up immediately, but the boys took a while. When Dylan and Jay finally got back up they all laughed. Once they all stopped laughing, Jay, Dylan, and Amber heads to the S.S. Battle JHS to go to the Battle Academy JHS.
The Battle Academy JHS is on an island about 60 miles off the docks of Lutenburg into the ocean. It has three Dorms: Yellow Dorm for first year Pokémon Battlers, Blue Dorm for second year Pokémon Battlers, and Red Dorm for third year Pokémon Battlers. First years get their first Pokémon this year and try to beat three of the nine Battle Academy JHS Gym Leaders. Each student is supposed to beat three Battle Academy JHS Gym Leaders each year. The Battle Academy has 12 different areas: the Forests, the Lakes, the Coasts, the Plains, the Mountains, the Swamps, the Caves, the Desert, the Volcano, the Tundra, the Chaparral and the Waste Pits.
Jay, Dylan and Amber finally get on the ship; it is so late that it immediately takes off. When Jay, Amber, and Dylan finally get to the island, they saw Professor Cedar for the first time, but they are more amazed at how big the island is. They want to get their first Pokémon immediately. But Amber, Jay, and Dylan each know that they have to wait through the Welcoming Speech first. So they will have to be patient.
“Welcome Pokémon Trainers, I want you to all know that we will have a great year. So we all can enjoy battling each other. As you all know, you all need to defeat the three Gym Leaders in your Dorm territory to pass the Dorm you’re in. The docks are here on the south side of the island. The school is in the middle of the island. The Yellow Dorm is on the west side, the Red Dorm is on the east side, and the Blue Dorm is on the north side. Now all Yellow Dorm students please follow me,” says Professor Cedar.
As Professor Cedar turned around the Yellow students followed the Professor into the school. Once the students got in a room with a big Bingo Machine and three tables with five Poké Balls on each of them, the Professor gave each student a piece of paper with a number on it.
He said “There are 150 new students and each one holding a piece of paper with a different number on it. I will roll a giant bingo machine and the student with the piece of paper with the number that the machine rolls out will go first and then I will roll again.” Jay got the number 32, Amber got the number 59, and Dylan got the number 20.
The Professor explains “The order of Starter Pokémon goes by year it was discovered starting on the left side of each table which means that on the Green Table, from left to right the Grass-type Pokémon goes Bulbasaur, Chikorita, Treeko, Turtwig, and then Snivy, on the Blue Table the Water-type goes from left to right, Squirtle, Totodile, Mudkip, Piplup, and then Oshawott, and on the Red Table the Fire-type goes from left to right Charmander, Cyndaquil, Torchic, Chimchar, and then Tepig.”
Professor Cedar then rolls the bingo machine and it rolled a 20. The Professor calls “The student who has the number 20 on their piece of paper come up please. Dylan steps up and says he does. Dylan has always told me he wants a Fire-type Pokémon, but he never told me which one. So he walks up to the Red Table, closes his eyes and picks up the Poké Ball on the furthest right-hand side. Then the table splits and another Poké Ball probably with another Tepig in it.
Then the Professor rolls again. This time he rolls a 14. The girl with the number 14 must have known exactly what she wanted, because she immediately walked to the Fire Table and picked up a Torchic. Then the table split again. Next the Professor rolls a 59. Amber stepped up to the Green Table and grabbed the Chikorita Poké Ball. The Professor rolls again and rolls a 32. Now it is Jay’s turn to get a Pokémon. He hesitates because he isn’t sure which one to get now; he had always told Dylan that he wanted a Mudkip. But it has been nine years since Mudkip was discovered. So Jay isn’t sure which Water-type he wants now. But he still walks up to the Blue Table, and grabbed the Mudkip Poké Ball.
Jay then asks the Professor if his friends and he could leave because he was getting nervous. Professor Cedar asks Jay who his friends are and if they have gotten their Starter Pokémon yet. Jay walks over to his friends and brings them up to the Professor. Jay says that the boy is Dylan and the girl is Amber. Professor Cedar then asks Jay’s friends if they had gotten they’re Starter Pokémon yet and which one they had gotten. Dylan did not know so he sent his Pokémon out to see he had gotten a Tepig. Amber says she got a Chikorita and sent it out. The Professor asked Jay’s friends if they could take him to the Yellow Dorm and they said they didn’t know the island very well. The Professor then gives them three maps, one for each of them. Then they took Jay to the Yellow Dorm on the west side of the island. When the three arrived, the Dorm Master, Alexander, welcomed them inside.
When Amber shut the door, Alexander asked, “Where are the rest of the Yellow Dorm students?”
“Jay gets extremely nervous when everyone is looking at him, so the Professor said that we could take him here so he can get some rest,” answered Dylan.
So then Dorm Master Alexander took Jay upstairs to get him in bed and said to Dylan, “This can be Jay’s, another boy’s, and your room.”
Amber then asked “Where is my room?”
Dorm Master Alexander told Amber, “Your room is in the east wing with two other girls.”
“Well I’d like to stay here talk to you and Dylan and check up on Jay every once in a while before I go to bed,” says Amber.
Then Dorm Master Alexander says “Okay, you can.”
Ten minutes later, Jay was walking down the stairs. Then everybody else in the Yellow Dorm arrives.
“Hello students of the Yellow Dorm! My name is Alexander Wenshire. I am your Dorm Master. I just wanted to welcome you all to your first year on Battle Island. Starting tomorrow, make sure you train your Pokémon,” announced Dorm Master Alexander.
Then as the other students are eating their dinner, Jay decides to sit down and talk to his friends. When everybody was finished and in bed, Jay arranged his potions and medicine in his bag so it wasn’t crammed in there all at once. The third boy in his and Dylan’s room is named Blaze and he got a Chimchar. Blaze has long red hair and his Yellow Uniform shirt with his orange pants. He wears red shoes with orangey-yellow flames.
Jay decided to nickname his Mudkip “Muddy.” Jay is hungry because he didn’t eat dinner. So he went downstairs to eat, but the Dorm Master was there reading.
As Jay turned around to go back upstairs the Dorm Master said, “It is alright, you can come down, and you won’t get in trouble.”
So Jay continues downstairs and Master Alexander says, “I am guessing you are hungry, since you didn’t eat dinner.”
“Yes and I am sorry for coming down here so late,” says Jay.
“It is okay, I wasn’t tired and I am surprised that you didn’t come down here earlier, there are leftovers in the fridge,” says Alexander.
“Okay, thank you,” says Jay.
So Jay sat down, ate, and talked to the Dorm Master about tomorrow. When Jay was done eating he went to bed.

Chapter 2: The First Day

Jay wakes up at about 8:30 in the morning and realizes that Dylan and Blaze are gone. So he went outside to see that Dylan and Amber are joyfully battling their Pokémon. Dylan and Amber pauses their battle to talk to Jay.
“Have you gotten your PokéScanner yet?” asks Amber.
“What is that?” asks Jay.
“Go talk to Dorm Master Alexander and ask him about it,” says Dylan.
So Jay went inside to find Dorm Master Alexander. When Jay found him Jay asks, “What is a PokéScanner?”
“It is a Pokédex combined with a Pokémon Memo. It tells you what type the Pokémon is, the level it is, its gender, its health, its experience, its status problems, and its Pokédex information,” answers Dorm Master Alexander, “Why haven’t you gotten one yet, Jay?”
“No I have not, could you please give me one?” asks Jay.
“Sure, no problem and also here is five Poké Balls,” says Dorm Master Alexander.
So then Jay gets his PokéScanner. He is very excited to catch his first Pokémon. Jay then goes outside to check his Muddy’s level he is extremely overjoyed that it is level five so that way he could level it up even more than what he expected. Jay looks at his PokéScanner again and realizes it is male but he does not care about that. He is just happy he got a Mudkip.
He looks around for Dylan and Amber but they are nowhere in sight. So he starts walking to the forest. When Jay got into the forest he found a Pidgey. So Jay pulled out his PokéScanner to battle the Pidgey.
“Go, Muddy, use Tackle!” says Jay, when he sent out his Muddy. Muddy used tackle and hit the Pidgey straight on.
“Use Tackle again,” says Jay. The Pidgey was too weak to dodge this one so the Tackle hit it again. It was low on health; Jay knew that because his PokéScanner says so. Jay throws a Poké Ball at the wild Pidgey and after a few wiggles the Poké Ball captures it.
“Yes, I will nickname you Pidge,” Jay mumbled to himself, as his Muddy fell to his knees.
Jay ran to his Muddy. “What is wrong?” Jay asked.
Then Dylan appeared. “He is probably just tired,” says Dylan. “Take him to the outside middle part of the Dorm to the Pokémon Healing Machine, so you can heal him.”
“Oh, okay,” says Jay.
“Also you can only carry six Pokémon with you. So when you have six Pokémon on you and you catch another, it will be teleported to the Pokémon Playground in the basement of the School.” Dylan told Jay. “We missed that part of the explanation at the Starter Pokémon Ceremony yesterday. Good thing I talked to Blaze.” Dylan tells Jay.
“Okay,” says Jay.
So Jay heads to the Pokémon Healing Machine at the dorm. Good thing Jay had practiced with his dad when he was little; he knew how to heal Pokémon with the machine. After Jay was done healing his Pokémon he set out again. This time he saw another Yellow Dorm trainer, and he realized it was Blaze.
“Hey Blaze, want to battle? Single Battle, two-on-two?” asks Jay.
“Sure let’s do it,” answered Blaze.
“Go Rattata!” says Blaze.
“Go Pidge!” says Jay.
They both pulled out their PokéScanners and begun the battle.
“Use Tackle” says Jay.
“Use Tackle” says Blaze. Rattata was not quick enough to dodge Pidge’s Tackle attack because it hit her straight on.
“Use Tackle again!” yelled Jay. It hit Rattata again. Rattata fainted and Jay and his Pidge win this round.
“Go, Chimchar, use Scratch attack!” Blaze yelled. It hit Jay’s Pidge in the wing so Pidge cannot fly away.
“Use Tackle!” yelled Jay, but it only has half the strength and because of that Chimchar dodged it.
“Finish that Pidgey off, use Scratch attack now!” yelled Blaze. Chimchar’s Scratch hit Pidge and Pidge fainted.
“Come on, Muddy,” says Jay as he sent out his Mudkip.
“Chimchar, use Scratch,” says Blaze
“Muddy, use Tackle, go!” says Jay. Muddy hit Chimchar and Chimchar hit Muddy.
“Again,” both Jay and Blaze says. The two Pokémon hit each other again.
“Once more,” both of them said. The two Pokémon hit each other once more and then they both fainted at the same time.
The match was considered a draw. So we both shook hands and congratulated each other on our first win and our first loss. Then both Jay and Blaze went to the Pokémon Healing Machine and healed their Pokémon. Jay and Blaze went their separate ways.
Jay is walking toward the PokéShop to get some more Poké Balls and potions. When he got there he was introduced to the Shop owner, Sandra. Sandra has light brown hair and a pink shirt with blue denim overalls.
Sandra said they had just gotten Poké Balls in stock this morning. Jay buys six of them which give him a total of ten Poké Balls. He also bought about 5 potions. Jay now has 500 PokéCash left.
Then Jay leaves the PokéShop and heads to the Forest. The Forest has a bunch of trees filled with Flying-type Pokémon, Bug-type Pokémon, and berries. Then Jay runs into a Wurmple. He checks its level. Wurmple is a level 2.
“Go Pidge,” says Jay as he sends out his Pidgey, “Use Tackle.” The Tackle attack hit the Wurmple directly and knocked it out. Then Jay threw a Poké Ball at the Wurmple and caught it. Jay’s looked at his PokéScanner to see that his Pidge has grown to level five. Pidgey learned Sand-Attack scrolled across the screen.
Then Jay finds another Wurmple and he says “Go Muddy, use Tackle.” The Tackle hit the Wurmple and this one must have been a higher level because it retaliated with Poison Sting. The Poison Sting hit Muddy directly but Muddy was not done.
“Tackle again and don’t quit until it is knocked out,” says Jay. Muddy Tackles the Wurmple two times more and it ran away. Muddy gained 41 experience points. Then Jay runs into a Rattata.
“Go Muddy!” yells Jay as he sends out his Mudkip. As soon as Rattata sees Mudkip it uses Tackle. Muddy took it head on. But Muddy was still standing.
“Muddy use Tackle attack now!” says Jay. Mudkip’s Tackle hit the Rattata straight on. Then the Rattata uses Tackle again. Muddy is extremely low on health, but the battle isn’t over.
“Muddy use Tackle again!” yells Jay and Muddy obeyed. This time Muddy knocked the Rattata out. Jay then threw a Poké Ball at the Rattata and caught it. Then his PokéScanner started ringing and it said his Mudkip grew a level. Jay clicks ok and then “Mudkip learned Mud-Slap” scrolled across the screen. Then the PokéScanner rings again. This time he got a PokéMessage on his PokéScanner. The message is from Dorm Master Alexander.
It says, “Jay, come back to the Dorm. It is about 8:30 in the evening and everyone else is eating dinner. Plus, I want to hear how your day went.” So Jay went back to the dorm to get dinner and to talk to Amber, Dylan and Master Alexander.
“Hey Master Alexander,” says Jay as he walks in to the Yellow Dorm.
“Hello Jay, how did you do on your first day?” asks Master Alexander.
“Pretty good, I caught a Pidgey, a Wurmple, and a Rattata. I also tied with Blaze in a Pokémon battle,” says Jay.
“Congrats, on the win,” says Dylan as he walks down the stairs.
“Yes, congratulations on your first victory,” says Master Alexander.
“Hey, Dylan, how did your first day go?” says Jay.
“Good, I caught a Caterpie, a Weedle, a Wurmple, a Pidgey and a Starly,” says Dylan
“I caught a Starly, a Pidgey, a Sentret, a Hoothoot, a Wurmple and a Rattata,” says Amber.

[Randomflyingobjects]

Hey, Blooper! I enjoyed the plot, though it is somewhat GX, except with Pokemon. Your writing has gotten considerably better, because there is dialouge, but there could be a tad more, like a character mumbling to himself. The sentences do need a bit more structure, but like I said, your writing is a lot better.

So, are you still doing the Yugioh fic? Just a warning, it might be tough writing two stories at once.

[BlooperMan]

So, are you still doing the Yugioh fic? Just a warning, it might be tough writing two stories at once.

No I'm not, i think i completely screwed that one up and thanx for the complement i just tried something new

[BlooperMan]

chapter 2 up!

[Randomflyingobjects]

I finished Chapter two, which was a bit slow, mainly because the pokemon don't know any good moves. Also, I notice that he catches only common, weak pokemon. So far, his future team is: pidgeot, Ratticate, Beutifly/Dustox, and Marshtomp. Not the strongest team. Because this isn't a region, all kinds of pokemon should be available, like Elekid, Pikachu, Buizel, Growlithe, Heracross, Riolu, and all those other 600 pokemon.

I liked the idea about a PokePlayground, but the way things are looking, all the pokemon Jay caught are going to be stuck there.

[BlooperMan]

I finished Chapter two, which was a bit slow, mainly because the pokemon don't know any good moves. Also, I notice that he catches only common, weak pokemon. So far, his future team is: pidgeot, Ratticate, Beutifly/Dustox, and Marshtomp. Not the strongest team. Because this isn't a region, all kinds of pokemon should be available, like Elekid, Pikachu, Buizel, Growlithe, Heracross, Riolu, and all those other 600 pokemon.

I liked the idea about a PokePlayground, but the way things are looking, all the pokemon Jay caught are going to be stuck there.

Jay will be able to get his pokemon out of there thru a Pokemon Transfer System that will be mentioned in chapter 3, just be patient i'll get to work on chapter 3 right now.
also this is only the first day, wait until later in the story. this chapter is about the very front of the forest. wait until he gets further into it. Pikachu is only available in the middle part of the forest where there are level 5-9's so... he probably will get it in ch 3-5 .
And this is only the junior high school if i make all the Pokemon available in this one Jay wont have any to catch in senior high school.

Edited by BlooperKing15, 08 August 2012 - 03:39 PM.

[Des ＨＥＲＯ]

I have read it and I have got to say it is not too bad for a "beginner" as a Fan Fic. However, both chapters can be improved by great lengths.


A good plot is what this Fan Fic lacks. There isn't anything that interesting about a island that hooks the reader on and makes them excited for the next chapter, only the complete opposite. There is no information about this Battle Academy Junior High except that it is a Academy in the middle of nowhere. We barely know anything about anything. The current plot isn't that creative as you have basically combined the goals of both Pokemon and GX. Hopefully something interesting might happen like a Antagonist with a evil goal that could potentially develop the Plot to a actual Plot.

The characters are a joke. We have no description of any character so how can we tell their gender without looking all around the place (During my first skim I was confused about Blaze that you only gave a little information duing the end of the Chapter 1. You can't make your readers look back to find information that ridiculous). They all lack a strong personality, actually the only character who has a at least a OK personality is Jay and Professor Cedar (More trees ) while the rest are just names we can't relate to. We barely know anything about even the main three beside Jay's main rival is directed at Jay (It should be Amber because she has the advantage of a starter Pokemon and her party from Chapter 2 looks stronger than both Jay's and Dylan's). They are only a bit better than the characters on your YU-GI-OH Fan Fic that I have read that is still a far away from being OK.

You need to describe the place! I can't tell what the forest looks like because their are a billion different forest biomes. Describe the scenery Jay enters and the appearance of the emotionless characters. Also it is confusing when he travels from forest to dorm...


I could probably continue critizing but you would need a reasonable amount of critics to improve without being overwhelmed. Good luck with that and I will be interested in reading it in the future... Hopefully you will improve.

[BlooperMan]

i edited my first and second chapters