Silent Demeanor (Remake of "The Silent Words")

[Kōsuke Ueki]

What happens when you lose the only person you love? You don't just mope about it. You do something. If you have to rekindle the flame, break it off for good, or rekindle an older, more tolerable relationship, do it, because I know how it feels to lose someone I love. It'll be fresh in my mind for a lifetime.

~Bruce Creign

 

Made by Tormented. <3

 

[spoiler=Prologue w/ Extension]The muffled sound of police sirens constantly blair behind me as I look at the far view of the lake, the chilled breeze blowing across my face. I don’t remember if it was the Mohawk River or the Hudson River, or another one I’m not aware of. I didn’t care, nor did it even matter, as I was about to end everything once and for all. I looked towards the negotiators that were speaking to me through their megaphones and the police officers pushing back the civilians watching all of this go down. I didn’t hear anything other than a muffled sound of their voices and my own heartbeat beating louder than life itself.

And then, I saw something I didn’t expect. I saw...her. The One. Or, so I believed. She took the mic from a negotiator and my hearing actually cleared up to hear what she was saying. “I want you to listen to me, alright?” she began. “You don’t have to do this. This isn’t like you. You’re better than this. Think of how many good times we had together. Think about when our lives changed when you made that choice of asking me out. Think about-” I cut her off.

“I remember!” I forced out, my voice nearly breaking. “But I also remember...how you...left me alone...to wallow...in my own pain...” My voice cracked under the pressure and a tear slid down my right cheek. “I-I’m so sorry...” she replied, her voice even more worrisome. And then, the words, those same damn words that not only shattered what we had, but also took away any chances for what I had originally intended for my future with her:

“I don’t know. My mind is too split up to make up my mind. Soon enough I’ll make my decision, but until then, I can’t be anywhere around you. I need to make this decision without being near you. I’m so sorry...”

I sighed. Given no choice, I use my phone for the last time, and send her a text message, as I’m done talking. When I sent it to her, I waited until she got it. The text read, “I’m sorry, too, since you’ll never get to make up your mind.” When I saw the horror in her face, I turned away back to the beautiful view. Then, I heard her crack under the pressure and start crying a little and said, “Don’t do this. Please!” But, please wasn’t good enough. I closed my eyes, and took the plunge.

Soon, the whole world slowed down before me, the only thing I could hear the best was her screaming at the top of her lungs, “NO!!!” But, I already jumped. There’s nothing I could do. And then, I heard a police officer yell, “Get me the Coastguard, now!!” But, like I said, it didn’t matter. I’m as good as dead. Nothing could stop me from getting the sweet embrace of death, which would take away all the mistakes, all the pain, all the screw-ups I’ve done, and turn it into nothing.

And as soon as I hit the water, everything went black. And, I wanted it to stay that way. But...

I barely was able to make out a sound, a man yelling for something. I didn’t know what it was. It didn’t matter. I didn’t feel anything, other than the cold all around my body. I was able to also make out the sound of a helicopter. Was I being transported in one? To a hospital? Yep. For a while things went straight to black, but then, I heard a beep, and another. It sounded like a heartbeat monitor was attached to me, which it was. My hearing blurred and my strength allowed me to open my eyes a little bit. I saw three doctors hovering over me. “I think he’s coming to.” one said, looking at me. But, my strength dimmed again, and I went straight into the black again.

I never thought I would actually survive. I don’t know the particular survival-death ratio for jumping off a bridge and/or drowning yourself, but I can assure you, that I was one of the lucky ones, even though it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to end it all so I can no longer go through the pain, the sorrow, and the emptiness known as rejection. But, still, I continue living. Why? I’ll tell you.

At first, I didn’t know why I didn’t just die then and there. But, after a lot of time after leaving the hospital, I realized that God gave me a second chance. Now, for those who don’t believe in that stuff, you don’t have to believe it. Just don’t completely doubt the idea. It might help you out in the long run. Anyway, I was given another chance to do something right. What that is, I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll find it. Whatever it takes, I will figure it out.

As I felt myself wake up, the stress of doing so gave me a huge migraine. I groaned at the thought of moving. My body felt stiff with pain, as if I hadn’t moved for a while. So far as I can tell, I felt like I haven’t moved for at least a whole day, and I wondered if I was in a hospital bed like I assumed. With a struggle, I tried to move, and I was able to sit up, my vision blurry as all Hell. Then, I turned to my right, and my visioned sharpened and cleared up when I saw “her”. I snapped my head forward again, the curtain in front of me blocking off the rest of the hospital.

I layed back on the hospital bed, my strength coming back to me as I look at my left arm. It was attached to an IV. The IV itself contained a clear liquid I’m unaware of. I’d assume it’s a form of muscle relaxer, but I doubt it. I made an annoyed sigh, and that woke “her” up from her peaceful sleep. Crap. I thought. This is what I get for complaining: another damn lecture. She immediately turns to me and our gazes connect for a solid 10 minutes, tears welling up inside her slowly. I really hated to see her cry, even when the reason why, is all because of my “selfish” actions.

What was I gonna say? It’s bad enough that I had my heart broken by the one girl that I believed God sent to me all those years ago in Kindergarten (I know nothing is set in stone, so please bear with me). But, when I had to suffer day in and day out, waiting for the day she made her mind up about how our relationship would go, she came to a standstill? That’s just stupid. We could be best friends forever, since I never had a girlfriend before her, and the same with her not having a boyfriend before me. I wanted to take our relationship to the next level, but she wasn’t ready to handle it. Why? If only I knew.

I turned my head away and down at my hospital gown, and finally made the urge to say something. “Go ahead,” I began in a whisper. “Tell me I’m an idiot, a fool, a doo-doo head, a poop-face, call me anything. Cause I don’t really care what insults you give me, it won’t make a difference.” I sighed and waited for her response. After about a minute, she grabbed my arm gently, and I looked at her. “You’re...my best friend.” My annoyance turned to shock and sadness.

Talk about unexpected. I couldn’t speak. I was glad I didn’t. She kept going. “Look, I know I hurt you because of what I did...But there’s more in life than just what you went through.” She said, sternly. Then, tears began to well up in my eyes, my voice slightly cracking as I spoke again. “You...were all I needed to push through life.” “I will apologize as much as I can to make this right. Just don’t end everything before my mind is made up.” She then took out a napkin to wipe my tears away, making a slight smile. I then sighed. I began to reflect all those twelve years ago.

I turned to her. “Remember when we first met?” I asked, smiling a little afterward. She chuckled a little. “Yeah,” she began. “We didn’t know anything about each other, but at least you had the guts to walk up to me.” I chuckled, too. This started to make me feel the old happiness and peace I had before I thought about bringing our relationship to the next level. I felt like myself before this huge mess. But I knew, like pain, that it would go away eventually. But it was good that I was able to feel some sort of peace for the moment. That’s all that matters at this time.

“Right. I was scared out of my ass when I first saw you.” I said, still chuckling.
“Really? You just looked like you were nervous to be around girls at that time.” she said, smiling.
“Well, I was, but the difference with you was because I noticed you were by yourself.”
“Oh, wow. You remember that?”
“Always. You know I remember more things than you. It sparked our friendship from then on.”
“Yeah, and I wouldn’t want it to start any other way.”

You know, thinking about what started our friendship, you should all know how it all started. If I’m to reflect on what had come to this point, you should know as well to see if you really believe my story or not. If you wish to know how this started and more, keep reading on. If not, though, you can leave now and you can wait for another day to read it. However, if you will keep reading, pull back a chair, as things are about to get crazy, but before that, I’ll continue the conversation where it left off.

“You ever thought about reliving that moment?” I asked, smiling. “Why not right now?” she asked back. I gave it a few seconds to process. “Alright, we can try it out.” “So, how should we go by it?” “Well, maybe we can go through everything that happened on that day.” “Alright, and maybe we should re-introduce ourselves just for the laughs.” “That’ll do.” I sighed. “Ready?” I asked. “Ready,” she replied. We then proceeded to shake hands.

“The name’s Bruce Creign.” I said, jokingly.
“And mine’s Sarah Louke.” she replied, equally joking.

We then laughed at each other, and began to reflect on our Kindergarten years. And like I said to her, i remember everything that happened that day. i made sure of that so when we can reflect, we know that i haven’t missed a thing about those moments in our life. it was all so vivid, since my IQ was above everyone else’s on average, including Sarah, but her’s was closer to mine than anyone. Like I said, I remember every bit of detail I was able to see and somewhat hear. I even remembered the exact date that it happened on:


November 17, 2000[spoiler=Prologue Extension]Unlike some other kids at my age during the time, Kindergarten was the first year of school for me. No Preschool at all. The main reason for that was my mom and dad couldn’t afford to enroll me the previous year and get more out of school for me. Why? I couldn’t care less. My parents don’t even want to think about my existence right now. But I’ll get to that soon. Regardless, I wasn’t used to going somewhere on the weekdays early in the morning just because it’ll help me learn something my parents couldn’t offer to teach me themselves.

However, on November 16th, things had changed for me. Very early that morning, I was awoken to the sound of a large moving truck that stopped next door. The house next door had been on sale for weeks, and I was wondering if anyone would take the old home of the Chase’s. The reason for that is because the Chase’s used to be the “Weird Family Next Door”. More specifically, the kid they had, named Darik, was not only socially awkward, but he was also crazy with the intentions of murder and death, but not to the point where he would kill his own parents. I was shocked his condition never got that serious. Oh well.

As I looked out my bedroom window, I noticed a sense of normality with the family that came into view, which was a huge relief, as the Chase’s were finally gone and I had some peace for once. I took a deep breath and decided to go back to sleep, as I was still tired. But, I just couldn’t do it. I tried back and forth to go back to sleep, but to no avail. I wondered what I would do next and decided to get back out of bed and wake myself up a little more.

So, I went back to the window, and then someone caught my eye. It was a girl, my age, light skin, long black hair, and wearing a Hello Kitty hoodie. She was looking intently at the “new” house that she was going to be living in. But, at the corner of her eye, she saw me, and I hid myself before she got a look at me. The next moment I looked again, she wasn’t there. That was Sarah Louke, the only child of the Louke Family who has moved in next door to us and my best friend for 12 years and counting today.

That look in her eyes seemed oddly familiar, as if she was the same as me in many ways other than being a guy herself. Now, I myself had once prayed to God to give me a friend that would understand me, but also knew enough to push me out of what I was. And it seemed as though my prayers have been answered. Although it took me a couple of years before I conversed with her about it, I knew I might have found the one person that would pull me out of my own shield of isolation and anxiety. And, to my surprise, I was right to a T.

The next day in school, my teacher Ms, Janwall was about to make an announcement. It was rare that she would make an announcement regarding something new happening in our classroom. But regardless, I listened to what she had to say, just because I wanted to go back to my corner where I belong. Being alone felt like the safest thing for me in Kindergarten, but this announcement definitely changed what I did in class from then on.

“Alright, class, gather around!” she began. We all did so. I noticed somebody behind her and wondered who it was. “We have a new student joining us this year. She just moved in early yesterday.” I thought about what happened yesterday and remembered the moving truck next door that woke me up. “I’d like to introduce you all to Sarah Louke.” At that time, my mind was screaming, WHAT!?, but my face showed a somewhat surprised expression. I didn’t see it coming. “Say hi to everyone Sarah.” Sarah tried hiding her face. “H-hello...” she said with a very weak tone.

Nervousness...

Anxiety...

Isolation...

She was a lot like me at the time. But for some reason, she had this effulgence about her that reveals a wanting of change, to be able to be involved with things with other people and not just by herself. She’s willing to do it, but I’m only willing to if I get help from her. But, my mind couldn’t make the choice. I wanted to do it, but what if she said no? What if she ignored me? What if she made sure that I would stay far away from her? Today, I make sure not to question everything as a negative outcome, or else I’ll isolate myself again.

Some time after the announcement, I returned to my routined spot in the classroom, the empty chair near the corner. I just looked at the kids playing with their toy cars and action figures, and I wish I could've went to them and ask to play. But i was so scared of being rejected, it defined my reasons for isolating myself and being constantly upset about even the thought of making a mistake. However, I ended turning my head for once to make a life-changing choice that might change my morality.

I turned my head to where Sarah was and my heart was racing. I was tempted to actually talk to her. But if I did that, who knows how she would react? She had her knees up to her chest, her arms around her legs, sobbing slightly. And that was the first time I actually felt sorry for someone. I actually wanted her to stop crying because it hurt me on the inside. If she’s hurt, I’m hurt. If she’s not happy, I’m not happy, no matter what you do.

So, I took the big risk by first slowly standing up. I struggled to move, as I felt stiff all over, as if I was paralyzed from the neck down. I then took a step with my right foot, slowly, then my right, and I repeat this process until I’m close enough to her to be considered personal space. I tried speaking, but my voice was mute. I then took a deep breath, and then decided to speak. “A-are you okay?” I asked. She then stopped sobbing and jerked her head up, staring straight at me. “I-I’m sorry.” she said in a whisper. “What are you being sorry for?” “I...I don’t know.” I then put my hand on her shoulder.

“I’m not like those other kids.” I began. “You’re safe. I’ll make sure of it.” She looks really hard at me. “You promise?” I nodded. “I promise.” Just then, she gave me a strange expression that I couldn’t read exactly. It was as if she was trying to see if I was lying. I know this all sounds hard to believe considering we were all 5 years old at the time, but this is how I’m trying to explain it. So, please, bear with me. Anyway, after she realized I was being honest, she gave me a big smile. “Thanks.” she said.

I then sat next to her and we began to chat. “So, you’re the girl who moved into the house next door to mine?” I asked. “Oh, I thought I saw someone at the window.” We then chuckled a little bit. “Yeah, I was just nervous. Scared, really.” “Why?” “I didn’t want to creep you out.” She then nudged my shoulder playfully. “I don’t get spooked easily.” I squinted my eyes a little and opened them back up. “Come here. I want to tell you something.” She moved in, and my fear went up slightly. “Closer.” She got even closer and my heart was nearly racing. When she got close enough, I reacted with a scary yell. She jumped, and I chuckled for a few seconds. I then felt a little concerned that she would tell on me because of that face she had, like she was going to cry again. But, instead, she laughed, and so did I.

“Oh, I didn’t tell you my name.” I said. “Me neither,” she replied, chuckling. She then reached her hand out. I was confused at what she was doing at first, but then I realized she was trying to shake my hand, so that our introductions could be done formally. I then proceeded to shake her hand. It was weird, as when I touched her hand, I could feel her warmth, but also a somewhat cold touch at her fingertips. I was confused. I wondered if her hands felt this way ever since birth. I was sorta scared about what her life would be about if we got to know each other more. “The name’s Bruce Creign.” I said. “And mine’s Sarah Louke.” she replied. We then chuckled.

That day changed my life. Every day after that, I went over to Sarah’s house, whether it be to hang out, or to sleep over at least once a week. that was at least how it was for Kindergarten and First Grade. When Second Grade came in, we got bigger privileges and were able to hang out at pizza places, arcades (Which shocked me to see a girl play the Arcade version of Mortal Kombat 4 without freaking out), and lots of other places that we could afford at least once each week. We did everything together, and our bond was bigger than any family. I felt like we were family, but only for a while.


[i]It’s a moment that I’ll never forget, even in death...[/spoiler][/spoiler]

This is a book I'm rewriting. I'll be sure to make a chapter at least weekly. So, any comments are welcome.

[Kōsuke Ueki]

[spoiler=Chapter 0.5 (Prologue Extension)]
Unlike some other kids at my age during the time, Kindergarten was the first year of school for me. No Preschool at all. The main reason for that was my mom and dad couldn’t afford to enroll me the previous year and get more out of school for me. Why? I couldn’t care less. My parents don’t even want to think about my existence right now. But I’ll get to that soon. Regardless, I wasn’t used to going somewhere on the weekdays early in the morning just because it’ll help me learn something my parents couldn’t offer to teach me themselves.

However, on November 16th, things had changed for me. Very early that morning, I was awoken to the sound of a large moving truck that stopped next door. The house next door had been on sale for weeks, and I was wondering if anyone would take the old home of the Chase’s. The reason for that is because the Chase’s used to be the “Weird Family Next Door”. More specifically, the kid they had, named Darik, was not only socially awkward, but he was also crazy with the intentions of murder and death, but not to the point where he would kill his own parents. I was shocked his condition never got that serious. Oh well.

As I looked out my bedroom window, I noticed a sense of normality with the family that came into view, which was a huge relief, as the Chase’s were finally gone and I had some peace for once. I took a deep breath and decided to go back to sleep, as I was still tired. But, I just couldn’t do it. I tried back and forth to go back to sleep, but to no avail. I wondered what I would do next and decided to get back out of bed and wake myself up a little more.

So, I went back to the window, and then someone caught my eye. It was a girl, my age, light skin, long black hair, and wearing a Hello Kitty hoodie. She was looking intently at the “new” house that she was going to be living in. But, at the corner of her eye, she saw me, and I hid myself before she got a look at me. The next moment I looked again, she wasn’t there. That was Sarah Louke, the only child of the Louke Family who has moved in next door to us and my best friend for 12 years and counting today.

That look in her eyes seemed oddly familiar, as if she was the same as me in many ways other than being a guy herself. Now, I myself had once prayed to God to give me a friend that would understand me, but also knew enough to push me out of what I was. And it seemed as though my prayers have been answered. Although it took me a couple of years before I conversed with her about it, I knew I might have found the one person that would pull me out of my own shield of isolation and anxiety. And, to my surprise, I was right to a T.

The next day in school, my teacher Ms, Janwall was about to make an announcement. It was rare that she would make an announcement regarding something new happening in our classroom. But regardless, I listened to what she had to say, just because I wanted to go back to my corner where I belong. Being alone felt like the safest thing for me in Kindergarten, but this announcement definitely changed what I did in class from then on.

“Alright, class, gather around!” she began. We all did so. I noticed somebody behind her and wondered who it was. “We have a new student joining us this year. She just moved in early yesterday.” I thought about what happened yesterday and remembered the moving truck next door that woke me up. “I’d like to introduce you all to Sarah Louke.” At that time, my mind was screaming, WHAT!?, but my face showed a somewhat surprised expression. I didn’t see it coming. “Say hi to everyone Sarah.” Sarah tried hiding her face. “H-hello...” she said with a very weak tone.

[b]Nervousness...[/b]

[b]Anxiety...[/b]

[b]Isolation...[/b]

She was a lot like me at the time. But for some reason, she had this effulgence about her that reveals a wanting of change, to be able to be involved with things with other people and not just by herself. She’s willing to do it, but I’m only willing to if I get help from her. But, my mind couldn’t make the choice. I wanted to do it, but what if she said no? What if she ignored me? What if she made sure that I would stay far away from her? Today, I make sure not to question everything as a negative outcome, or else I’ll isolate myself again.

Some time after the announcement, I returned to my routined spot in the classroom, the empty chair near the corner. I just looked at the kids playing with their toy cars and action figures, and I wish I could've went to them and ask to play. But i was so scared of being rejected, it defined my reasons for isolating myself and being constantly upset about even the thought of making a mistake. However, I ended turning my head for once to make a life-changing choice that might change my morality.

I turned my head to where Sarah was and my heart was racing. I was tempted to actually talk to her. But if I did that, who knows how she would react? She had her knees up to her chest, her arms around her legs, sobbing slightly. And that was the first time I actually felt sorry for someone. I actually wanted her to stop crying because it hurt me on the inside. If she’s hurt, I’m hurt. If she’s not happy, I’m not happy, no matter what you do.

So, I took the big risk by first slowly standing up. I struggled to move, as I felt stiff all over, as if I was paralyzed from the neck down. I then took a step with my right foot, slowly, then my right, and I repeat this process until I’m close enough to her to be considered personal space. I tried speaking, but my voice was mute. I then took a deep breath, and then decided to speak. “A-are you okay?” I asked. She then stopped sobbing and jerked her head up, staring straight at me. “I-I’m sorry.” she said in a whisper. “What are you being sorry for?” “I...I don’t know.” I then put my hand on her shoulder.

“I’m not like those other kids.” I began. “You’re safe. I’ll make sure of it.” She looks really hard at me. “You promise?” I nodded. “I promise.” Just then, she gave me a strange expression that I couldn’t read exactly. It was as if she was trying to see if I was lying. I know this all sounds hard to believe considering we were all 5 years old at the time, but this is how I’m trying to explain it. So, please, bear with me. Anyway, after she realized I was being honest, she gave me a big smile. “Thanks.” she said.

I then sat next to her and we began to chat. “So, you’re the girl who moved into the house next door to mine?” I asked. “Oh, I thought I saw someone at the window.” We then chuckled a little bit. “Yeah, I was just nervous. Scared, really.” “Why?” “I didn’t want to creep you out.” She then nudged my shoulder playfully. “I don’t get spooked easily.” I squinted my eyes a little and opened them back up. “Come here. I want to tell you something.” She moved in, and my fear went up slightly. “Closer.” She got even closer and my heart was nearly racing. When she got close enough, I reacted with a scary yell. She jumped, and I chuckled for a few seconds. I then felt a little concerned that she would tell on me because of that face she had, like she was going to cry again. But, instead, she laughed, and so did I.

“Oh, I didn’t tell you my name.” I said. “Me neither,” she replied, chuckling. She then reached her hand out. I was confused at what she was doing at first, but then I realized she was trying to shake my hand, so that our introductions could be done formally. I then proceeded to shake her hand. It was weird, as when I touched her hand, I could feel her warmth, but also a somewhat cold touch at her fingertips. I was confused. I wondered if her hands felt this way ever since birth. I was sorta scared about what her life would be about if we got to know each other more. “The name’s Bruce Creign.” I said. “And mine’s Sarah Louke.” she replied. We then chuckled.

That day changed my life. Every day after that, I went over to Sarah’s house, whether it be to hang out, or to sleep over at least once a week. that was at least how it was for Kindergarten and First Grade. When Second Grade came in, we got bigger privileges and were able to hang out at pizza places, arcades (Which shocked me to see a girl play the Arcade version of Mortal Kombat 4 without freaking out), and lots of other places that we could afford at least once each week. We did everything together, and our bond was bigger than any family. I felt like we were family, but only for a while.

[center][i]It’s a moment that I’ll never forget, even in death...[/i][/spoiler][/center]

It's not much, but it's at least something.