Synchronized Posted May 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 8, 2013 Page wise, I can't be sure. Each episode averaged around 4-5 pages, or 3,000 words. There were also some that were about 4,000 words. The final episode was about 12,000. So on average about 4 pages x 75 episodes, you're probably looking at somewhere around 300 pages or so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoshpalStefan Posted May 8, 2013 Report Share Posted May 8, 2013 Whew, that's quite large for a fan fiction piece - especially if looking at it with the mindset of an editor / proofreader. But, in any case, summer is always the dullest of the seasons, so I'l probably take a crack at it. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aerion Brightflame Posted May 8, 2013 Report Share Posted May 8, 2013 Whew, that's quite large for a fan fiction piece - especially if looking at it with the mindset of an editor / proofreader. But, in any case, summer is always the dullest of the seasons, so I'l probably take a crack at it. :) You've obviously never read YGO 24 then. The last arc was either over 100, or 200. And it had 4 arcs. So we get mysterious people, and another duel. Well the start of one. Mysterious people are interesting, and if anything are the sort of thing that should've bee in the first as a hook. But otherwise it seemed a bit better than the last one, save Skylar. He's just..... to cocky for my tastes. I mean, he belittles Damien for summoning HoPL, and yet given he had no idea what was in hand, he can't belittle it. My criticism on that kinda wants to wait for the continuation of the duel to work out the rest, but... A speech like that should come after he made a more viable play. Since, otherwise it's giving him a kinda omniscience. But that's just my view on it. So long as he doesn't always keep that sort of attitude up, and that he does get out of his depth at times, I'll be fine with him. As it is Damien is standing out most as a character to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randomflyingobjects Posted May 10, 2013 Report Share Posted May 10, 2013 Finally got around to commenting. There isn't really that much to say for this chapter except for its repetition. Right after the first duel, the character storms off, and another duel commences. I see where you're going with it. Though really, knowing you and having read your work, I'd say that something different is about to happen. You wouldn't throw two characters in a lopsided duel, in which both are 'good guys', one is super-strong, and the other is a horrible duelist, put the more powerful one in the lead, then pull the 'to be continued...' card just for kicks. What I'm saying is that I highly doubt that this duel is going to be a simple game, in which Super-strong guy wins, no questions asked. Either the other kid has something going for him, or there's going to be some sort of interference. Thumbs up on the council of bad guys, though, as well as your ability to maintain a contact between Tres and Calle. Having characters on the side can be a challenge to work with (for me, anyway), and two characters in the same body keeps things more difficult. You make it seem relatively easy. Just make sure we don't forget that Tres is there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted May 10, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2013 You've obviously never read YGO 24 then. The last arc was either over 100, or 200. And it had 4 arcs. So we get mysterious people, and another duel. Well the start of one. Mysterious people are interesting, and if anything are the sort of thing that should've bee in the first as a hook. But otherwise it seemed a bit better than the last one, save Skylar. He's just..... to cocky for my tastes. I mean, he belittles Damien for summoning HoPL, and yet given he had no idea what was in hand, he can't belittle it. My criticism on that kinda wants to wait for the continuation of the duel to work out the rest, but... A speech like that should come after he made a more viable play. Since, otherwise it's giving him a kinda omniscience. But that's just my view on it. So long as he doesn't always keep that sort of attitude up, and that he does get out of his depth at times, I'll be fine with him. As it is Damien is standing out most as a character to me. There may be some people who dislike Skylar's character and the way we've written him so far, but I absolutely love it. I'd like to think that once everyone sees the character development and how he ends up evolving, this part will make a lot more sense. Some of the best characters start out with a flawed appearance and turn out to be fan favorites, so just give it a chance. The cockiness has nothing to do with it - Damien is a terrible duelist and the files say so. His skills are in combat, not dueling. It's not like he's misplaying for the sake of it, he just...doesn't really know what he's doing all that much. Finally got around to commenting. There isn't really that much to say for this chapter except for its repetition. Right after the first duel, the character storms off, and another duel commences. I see where you're going with it. Though really, knowing you and having read your work, I'd say that something different is about to happen. You wouldn't throw two characters in a lopsided duel, in which both are 'good guys', one is super-strong, and the other is a horrible duelist, put the more powerful one in the lead, then pull the 'to be continued...' card just for kicks. What I'm saying is that I highly doubt that this duel is going to be a simple game, in which Super-strong guy wins, no questions asked. Either the other kid has something going for him, or there's going to be some sort of interference. Thumbs up on the council of bad guys, though, as well as your ability to maintain a contact between Tres and Calle. Having characters on the side can be a challenge to work with (for me, anyway), and two characters in the same body keeps things more difficult. You make it seem relatively easy. Just make sure we don't forget that Tres is there. Thanks, glad you liked it. Umbra re-wrote that part, and his version was much better than the original. The Four Star Siege will definitely have some awesome stories down the line. As far as Skylar is concerned, I wouldn't call him "super-strong" as much as I'd call Damien "super-terrible". This isn't another Kiryu. Anyway, new Chapter! I know, it's about 21 minutes early, but oh well! I think it came out really well. [spoiler=Episode 3: White Knight Vengeance, 2/2] Episode 3: White Knight Vengeance, 2/2 Come on Damien, you’ve got to play better than this! He told himself, glancing over his hand at a frantic pace while he awaited Skylar’s next play. Though discouraged, he tried not to show it. If he could do what his sister couldn’t, it might go a step towards earning her approval. Both her’s and Calle’s. “Don’t forget, because of my White Illusion, I’m forced to pay five-hundred Life Points.” Skylar explained, showing no sign of pain or even irritance as the field sucked the energy out of him. “But it’s a meaningless cost to pay. Now I’ll set one card and end my turn.” 3500 | 2500 He’s not even breaking a sweat. I can’t afford to let him annihilate me like this, I have to be smarter with my plays! Now let’s see... He drew a card, the Spell Valhalla, Hall of the Fallen. A magic card that would allow him to Special Summon a Fairy of any Level from his hand, so long as he controlled no other cards. At the same time, Skylar had two Set cards on his field already, meaning whatever he brought out could be susceptible to a trap. Man, I should’ve saved that Herald! “So are you going to make a move or should I just assume you’ve realized you can’t win this duel?” Skylar asked, noticeably frustrated as he watched on with a blank stare and emotionless tone. “Well here goes nothing!” He’d have to go for it, if he wanted to build up any sort of comeback. “I activate the Spell Card Valhalla, Hall of the Fallen!” Looking like something straight out of the Ancient Greek times, a marble formation rose around them, lined with stone pillars carved with all sorts of legendary inscribing. The back of the hall was adorned with luscious velvet curtains and was home to a marble throne, carved from only the finest of ancient stone. “Now, thanks to Valhalla, I’m able to summon any Fairy monster from my hand without a tribute, so long as I don’t have any other monsters on the field! So I give rise to the Ancient Goddess, Athena!” [spoiler=Valhalla, Hall of the Fallen] Continuous Spell Card Once per turn, if you control no monsters, you can Special Summon 1 Fairy-Type monster from your hand.[/spoiler] [spoiler=Athena] LV7/LIGHT/Fairy Each time a Fairy-Type monster is Summoned, inflict 600 damage to your opponent. Once per turn, you can send 1 Fairy-Type monster you control to the Graveyard, except “Athena”, to Special Summon 1 Fairy-Type monster from your Graveyard, except “Athena”. 2600/800[/spoiler] Dawning down from the top of the mystical hall was a beautiful woman, her hair a wondrous site as flowing locks of majestic silver ran down from all sides. Wielding a pike and shield, both in her left and right hands respectively, the white-robed Goddess descended upon her throne, prepared to enforce her will. When the light show was over, Damien glanced at Skylar to see his reaction. Much to his surprise, it had remained very much the same. The boy had indicated no signs of fear or even the slightest bit of concern. And that in and of itself was incredibly concerning. Calle had noticed it too. Not quite what I was expecting from Skylar given a monster of that caliber. Tres said. In fact, with twenty-six hundred attack points, I don’t see how Skylar’s going to be able to take it down very easily at all. “It’s no surprise here,” Calle replied. “Not in the slightest. Athena is one hell of a monster, but I wouldn’t be shocked to see it last less than a turn. Let’s watch and see how it plays out.” “I don’t know if you’re too scared that the muscles on your face just stopped working, or if I’m misplaying again, but I feel more confident assuming the first one! So check this out!” He declared, placing a monster card onto the duel disk. “I summon Herald of Green Light!” Much like its brethren earlier, the small spherical angel appeared on the field, only this time a neon green in color. This time though, he wasn’t mis-playing. Because Herald of Green Light was a Fairy-Type monster, which meant Athena’s ability would take effect. “This should change your mind! Thanks to Herald’s summoning, you take a grand six-hundred points of direct damage! Go Athena, Royal Overload!” Removing herself from her throne with a swift sigh, she thrust her pike outwards, striking Skylar directly and leaving a few open wounds in the process. Nothing too major; he simply shook it off again. 2900 | 2500 “But that’s not all, because now I can activate her other ability! By sending Herald of Green Light to the Graveyard, I can Special Summon Herald of Purple Light back to the field!” In a flash, the two switched places, looking like nothing had changed but the color. However, that meant Athena’s effect would kick in once more. “Show some concern now, because you’re finally about to be lower than me! Go Athena, hit him with Royal Overload!” 2400 | 2500 He took those two attacks head on without flinching. Tres noted, truthfully surprised. Skylar had about seven open cuts on his body, but wasn’t flinching or even showing any signs of reaction. He simply nodded his head, motioning for Damien to continue with his turn. “Indeed,” Calle replied. I thought for sure he would’ve used a Trap to stop Athena’s effect from going off a second time. Why are you so confident, Skylar...? He kept his eyes focused tightly on the duel; things were starting to heat up. Come on...why isn’t he reacting at all... Damien felt his hands beginning to shake again, the deathly stare in Skylar’s eyes overwhelmingly intimidating, made only worse by the sight of blood dripping down the sides of his coat from the Goddess’ attack. “Damnit come on, this is getting to be too much! Athena, destroy his White Knight Lancer!” Aware it was outmatched, the knight raised its lance in a defensive formation as Athena hurled her pike once again. At the two weapons collided, a white aura surrounded the monster, keeping it safe. 1800 | 2500 “Wha—what’s going on? Your monster should’ve been destroyed just now!” Damien exclaimed. Was it a Trap Card? He didn’t think so – both of the set cards on the field were still face-down; neither one had been activated. “Heh,” Skylar grimaced, revealing the card in his hand depicting a small white spirit. “When you declared your attack, I sent my White Soul from the hand to the Graveyard. During damage calculation, White Soul takes effect protecting my monster. I still take damage, but that’s about all you can do.” [spoiler=White Soul] LV1/LIGHT/Fairy During either player’s turn, when a “White Knight” monster you control would be destroyed by battle or by a card effect, you can send this card from your hand to the Graveyard instead. 0/0[/spoiler] Damn, he outplayed me again. Come on...just when I had the advantage! “Fine, I end my turn.” “About time, draw!” Skylar declared. “Enough messing around here, I summon White Knight Archer!” Joining his fellow knight, another warrior appeared on the field in a bulky suit of armor lined with gold stripes. In his right hand was a bow, ready to fire at a moment’s notice. [spoiler=White Knight Archer] LV4/LIGHT/Warrior When this card is Special Summoned, you can target 1 face-up monster your opponent controls, destroy that target. 1400/1000[/spoiler] White Knight Archer = 1400 + 300 = 1700 “It’s time to show you what it’s really about,” Skylar said. “I may seem harsh but in reality, this is the cold hard truth. You’re just not cut to be a duelist. I’ll commend you for that valiant effort, but now it’s time to take back control! So I reveal the Trap Card White Arrow!” He exclaimed, and with the press of the red button on his duel disk revealed the card. From it, a glowing white arrow shot forth, striking Athena right in the chest. “Whoa, what’s going on?” Damien asked as his monster appeared to become disabled, the arrow’s effects restricting her from any kind of movement. Athena = 2400 – 700 = 1700 [spoiler=White Arrow] Normal Trap Card Target 1 face-up monster your opponent controls and decrease its ATK by its Level x 100. Also, its effect(s) is negated until the End Phase. You must control a “White Knight” monster to activate and to resolve this effect.[/spoiler] “What’s going on is the effect of my White Arrow trap,” Skylar explained. “Once it’s activated, the monster it hits loses attack points equal to its level, which means Athena becomes relatively useless to you at this point, because White Knight Lancer can wipe it out.” His warrior readied himself, adjusting his stance and raising his lance high. “Go, White Knight Lancer, destroy Athena with White Impale!” 1800 | 2200 Oh man, he took Athena down. All that leaves is Herald of Purple Light! With no set cards to protect it, his Herald was toast. But that wasn’t the worst of it. Wait, damn! When I brought it back to the field, I played it in attack mode instead of defense! That means his White Knight Archer has basically a clear shot at my Life Points! “I’m not even going to comment on that one. And don’t forget, I have to pay another five-hundred Life Points to maintain White Illusion. But it doesn’t matter,” Skylar rolled his eyes. He knew Damien’s realization had set in, but Skylar himself hadn’t forgotten about that for a second. He gets his mind too wrapped up in other things that he can’t focus on the task at hand. He’s just like his sister, only worse. At least she knew what she was doing for the most part. “Go, White Knight Archer, attack his Life Points directly with Slipstream Piercer!” Charging an arrow of compressed white energy, the archer released the string, firing directly at the defenseless Herald, which popped like a balloon. The arrow itself pierced through it with ease, not stopping until it reached Damien, piercing his right arm. 1300 | 500 He dropped to his knee, grasping at his right arm and trying to stop the cards on his duel disk from falling all over the place in the process. The arrow faded, but the attack had already drawn blood, and squeezing it only seemed to accelerate the blood flow. Damnit, that hurt bad! I can...barely feel my arm! It’s going numb at this point! He looked up, half-expecting to see Skylar laughing, but the boy had maintained the same demeanor from the start. A calm, collected look on his face and a set of eyes devoid of emotion. “Your arm is in pain, you’ll more than likely need medical attention.” He said. “You haven’t trained yourself and your body hasn’t been conditioned to handle duels at this physical of a level. You should probably quit now, the longer this duel proceeds, the more risk there is of permanent injury.” This time, Skylar shifted his gaze at Calle, who returned the blank look. “Don’t look at me,” he said. “This isn’t my battle. From what I understand all of you knew the risks involved when you signed up,” Calle replied. “If Damien believes his injury will hinder his chances of winning the duel then by all means, he can surrender. It’s not up to me to stop the duel.” The shakiness in his hand returned once more as he felt a tear stream down his cheek. He turned his face, quick to hide it, but the same feeling had returned to haunt him once again. He still wasn’t good enough; he was still the same pathetic failure he’d always been. For so long, he’d clamored to have a good relationship with his sister. No matter what he tried it always failed, but he got the idea that maybe, just maybe becoming a powerful warrior skilled in both dueling and combat, he would be able to rectify their relationship once and for all. But he couldn’t even put up a fight. Ever since the crash, the crash ten years ago that had killed their father and left the other driver paralyzed from the waist down, a crash that he himself had been a part of and been forced to witness as a small child with his own eyes, unable to do a thing to stop it. He watched his father be pulled out of the wreckage by medical crews with tears flowing down his face, screaming out for them to save him, to do anything, wondering why they hadn’t taken him instead. Even in his young age, the feeling of loneliness had still existed, and he had lost his only friend, the only Beacon of Hope in his life. He couldn’t do anything then and he couldn’t do anything now. Skylar was right. He was hopeless. It was best to just call it quits. “Aye mate, what’s the point in givin’ up now?” A voice called out. It was Alistair’s – the Australian accent was unmistakable. The duelist had returned to the battle area, looking far more refreshed than before. But what did he mean? “I mean come on, we may not know each other very well, but you look like you’ve got a true love of the game. You’ve lasted this long, why not finish it up? Quittin’ makes you a coward, fighting ‘till it’s over makes you a warrior.” The passion in Alistair’s eyes as he spoke was so evident, Damien couldn’t help but feel it too. He was right. There was no point in giving up now. “I’ve got to fight this for all its worth, even if it means I just go down swinging!” His eyes sealed shut, Damien put everything he had into drawing the card that would likely be his last. Slowly, as he turned it to face him, he opened his eyes – and in a moment it all came back to him at once. The card his father had given him the day before he died. Alistair’s right. I may not be the best duelist in the world, and I’m sure as hell not on Skylar’s level, but I can give it everything I’ve got right here and now. After all, that’s the whole reason I’m here is to become the best I can be, no matter what! I’ll never be able to fix things if I give up! The truth was, he couldn’t use the card he’d drawn, but it had been a reminder of everything he was fighting for. His Deck’s most powerful card, if he’d drawn it last turn, he would’ve been able to win the duel right then and there. Now, that wasn’t the case, but he was gonna give Skylar hell nonetheless. That card...is it what I sense it is?! Tres exclaimed. Calle kept calm, but he sensed a strong presence from it too. In the moment when Damien had drawn, he’d caught a quick glimpse of it. I believe it is. The fact that he has such a powerful card in his possession makes things a lot more intriguing. So does the fact that if this had been just one turn prior, the outcome of this duel might have been drastically different. “I can’t give up, not now!” He screamed. “Because I owe it to him to fight the best I can and then some! Thanks to the ability of Valhalla, Hall of the Fallen, I’m able to bring out a high level monster without having to tribute, and I’ll do just that by summoning Majestic Mech – Ohka!” [spoiler=Majestic Mech – Ohka] LV6/LIGHT/Fairy You can Normal Summon this card without Tributing. If you do, destroy it during the end phase. 2400/1400[/spoiler] In a burst of light, the four-legged beast struck the field with a ferocious roar, its vibrant pink colors emanating from all sides. “Now, Majestic Mech – Ohka, take out his White Knight Archer with Luminous Blaze!” “Such a fool, attacking so carelessly like that!” Skylar said, prepared to trigger his trap. But you knew that, didn’t you... “I activate the Trap Card Dimensional Prison!” He said, as the trap revealed itself, creating a warp in the dimension around them, pulling in the beast’s attack, followed by the beast itself. “And that means this duel is over, Damien! White Knight Archer, finish him off with Slipstream Piercer!” 1300 | 0 --- As the holograms faded away, Damien fell to his knees. I lost. He knew Skylar was good, perhaps even the best of them, but for a second, he had thought he had a chance. Especially with this new examiner here, or whatever he was, he would've liked to show off the best of his skills. The moment he heard that Andrea was going up against Alistair – and that he would therefore go up against Skylar – he knew he would be up for a real challenge, but he thought he could've done much better. Looking down at his hand, one card stood out among the others. If he'd been able to use it, he could've turned the whole situation around. If he'd had one more turn, he could've won. Maybe next time, dad. He shuffled his hand back into his deck. Maybe next time I'll be able to use it. If this…Calay, or however you were supposed to pronounce it, kept up this intense style of examinations with duels right off the bat, there would be plenty of opportunity for that. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that someone had run up to him. For a moment, he allowed himself to believe that it was his sister, the only family he still kept in touch with, that had come to drag him off the ground and get him on his feet again. They had gone through much over the years, especially since... that, and he had tried his best to be there for her when she needed him. Needless to say, she hadn't exactly returned the favor. ”You alright, mate?” Instead, it was Alistair that had come to his assistance. Damien grabbed his hand, and got to his feet. Between Skylar's cold sense of superiority and his sister's obvious dislike for him, the Australian was the only one that Damien really could call friend. He smiled. ”Yeah, I'm alright. Guess I'll just have to practice harder.” Alistair smiled back, and looked like he was about to say something before a loud sigh interrupted him. Damien turned his head, and almost jumped in sheer surprise. Skylar was standing less than a foot away from him, with the same cold stare as always. ”You might not get another chance, Damien.” Before either of them could respond, Skylar nodded at their new instructor, who was watching closely but still kept his distance. ”She needs to know that we're ready. That's why he's here. You're not strong enough.” He looked at Alistair. ”None of you are ready for the storm.” Calle barely had any time to react. Once the duel was over, he had only been paying half attention to the boys themselves, and instead mulled over what he had seen. Suddenly, he felt a burst of Rakurai from the arena, and immediately dashed in. Alistair was swinging a punch at Skylar, and while Calle doubted that he had much control over it, his fist was almost overflowing with power. He didn't even have to tell Tres what to do; the spirit knew him almost as well as he knew himself by now. When he grasped the boy's hand, his own energy wrapped itself around the fist, completely cancelling out the impact of his attack and stopping it dead. He sighed. ”Alright, boys, I think that's enough for one day.” Alistair, his mouth agape for just a split second, pulled his hand back. Damien seemed almost equally shocked, while Skylar retained the same composure he'd had since the beginning. His Rakurai was barely noticeable, almost completely overshadowed by the pulsing mess of pure, unfettered energy that flowed out from the other two. They have absolutely no control over their powers. That's definitely going to the top of the list. By now, Andrea had come up to them as well. Calle turned to face all four of them. ”That'll finish our examinations for now. I need to talk to the boss lady and go over some things before I get back to you, but you did well.” He cast a glance at Andrea and Damien. ”It's not about winning or losing, not yet. I need to see where you stand before I can make you stronger, and now I've seen that. There'll be plenty of time to–” His phone rang, and he picked it up without a second thought. Taking a quick look at the screen, he recognized the number from earlier this week. Beatrice. What does she want? Turning away from the others, he answered. ”Good to hear from you, Beatrice.” The woman on the other end almost cut him short. ”I've just received the results from the examinations, as well as some signal readings from our field scanner. Some of these are a bit... disconcerting, to say the least. I need you to come here, immediately.” To be continued...[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ren✧ Posted May 10, 2013 Report Share Posted May 10, 2013 I must say, I'm beginning to like Damien. It is obviously irony in use that he is the best fighter, and yet uses Fairies, but I see it also as fitting. He is most definitely the most relatable character right now. I still hate Skylar, but I see that as his purpose. We all need a protagonist we can hate on. Anyway, the chapter was good enough. I like how you incorporate that Damien summoned Herald in attack position, his lack of attention and experience leading to his downfall. His Majestic Mech his most powerful card? Because if so, that seems like a bit of a let down...but I have a feeling that it isn't. Right now, my biggest problem is the attack names. White Impale This just seems unoriginal, like you put no thought into it. I realize that 'Dark Magic Attack' isn't exactly a work of creative genius, but at least it has a nice ring to it. This does not. Slipstream Piercer I like this one. This one is good. :D Royal Overload! I don't think the words fit here. Overload? I see that fitting with machines or psychics, perhaps Thunders, but not Athena. I know, minor things, but they were really bothering me, lol. My only other complaint was: “I activate the Spell Card Valhalla, Hall of the Fallen!” Looking like something straight out of the Ancient Greek times, a marble formation rose around them, lined with stone pillars carved with all sorts of legendary inscribing. I always thought Valhalla was solely Norse mythology. Once again, it is a minor thing. But mythology is sort of a sore spot for me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a bad post Posted May 10, 2013 Report Share Posted May 10, 2013 I like, and it makes a good continuation of the chapter before, and I think the duel is much better written in this one. So, first the negative parts (the list is short, plus I always like to give the good last) I hate Skylar with a burning passion, he's so passive-aggressive, but I'll try to quell my anger for the later chapters and look at him last subjectively. Then after the duel concluded you didn't seperate the paragraphs with a space, and it made it somewhat hard to read, but if want to continue with that its not all that big a problem. Now with the good part. Damien (he is my weeaboo fangirl shota, and you can do nothing about it *hiss*) is written very well, and so far I like, because he is the one who I feel has shown the best personality/character depth. The descriptions in this chapter were amazing, especially with Athena, her decent sent shivers down my spine. Also there was a good cliff hanger there as what his best card was, and I'm just itching to know. Plus the fact that you used lesser known Fairy (I love Fairies with an unhealthy obsession) monsters instead of the usual Agents is a plus for me. The chapter itself is (IMO) better than its predecessor, and I don't what it is, but just something about this chapter made me really like it. And now a few questions: 1. How old exactly are the people who just dueled 2. Could the "shut off" Rakarei so it doesn't hurt there allies, or no All in all a great chapter, and I can't wait to see more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted May 10, 2013 Report Share Posted May 10, 2013 As the person who wrote the post-duel scene, I do believe I can answer that last question. The reason that Calle can divert Alistair's Rakurai and, in a sense use it against him, is because he is the far more skilled of the two. Alistair has a lot of power, as do they all, but he has yet to learn how to control it. Calle can divert his power and stop it short. If he was facing someone of a similar skill level, someone who has already put effort into directing his Rakurai into something like a stage technique, doing something like that would be far, far more difficult. It can be used to protect, if Calle is significantly more powerful than whoever they're facing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted May 10, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2013 I must say, I'm beginning to like Damien. It is obviously irony in use that he is the best fighter, and yet uses Fairies, but I see it also as fitting. He is most definitely the most relatable character right now. I still hate Skylar, but I see that as his purpose. We all need a protagonist we can hate on. Anyway, the chapter was good enough. I like how you incorporate that Damien summoned Herald in attack position, his lack of attention and experience leading to his downfall. His Majestic Mech his most powerful card? Because if so, that seems like a bit of a let down...but I have a feeling that it isn't. Right now, my biggest problem is the attack names. This just seems unoriginal, like you put no thought into it. I realize that 'Dark Magic Attack' isn't exactly a work of creative genius, but at least it has a nice ring to it. This does not. I like this one. This one is good. :D I don't think the words fit here. Overload? I see that fitting with machines or psychics, perhaps Thunders, but not Athena. I know, minor things, but they were really bothering me, lol. My only other complaint was: I always thought Valhalla was solely Norse mythology. Once again, it is a minor thing. But mythology is sort of a sore spot for me... The Valhalla thing was a stupid moment on my part. Umbra had even suggested I fix it, but I'm just silly and forgot to do that before I posted it. It was late and I was tired after working an open to almost close shift, so cut me a little slack on that one. :D As for the attack names, I'm gonna be blunt here and say that it's extremely difficult to come up with. We've got a pretty good handle on descriptions and actions where it matters, but when it comes to something as small and insignificant as the name of an attack, there are so many more things to focus on to make the Chapter good. I'll try to spice it up a little, but I can't make any promises. I like, and it makes a good continuation of the chapter before, and I think the duel is much better written in this one. So, first the negative parts (the list is short, plus I always like to give the good last) I hate Skylar with a burning passion, he's so passive-aggressive, but I'll try to quell my anger for the later chapters and look at him last subjectively. Then after the duel concluded you didn't seperate the paragraphs with a space, and it made it somewhat hard to read, but if want to continue with that its not all that big a problem. Now with the good part. Damien (he is my weeaboo fangirl shota, and you can do nothing about it *hiss*) is written very well, and so far I like, because he is the one who I feel has shown the best personality/character depth. The descriptions in this chapter were amazing, especially with Athena, her decent sent shivers down my spine. Also there was a good cliff hanger there as what his best card was, and I'm just itching to know. Plus the fact that you used lesser known Fairy (I love Fairies with an unhealthy obsession) monsters instead of the usual Agents is a plus for me. The chapter itself is (IMO) better than its predecessor, and I don't what it is, but just something about this chapter made me really like it. And now a few questions: 1. How old exactly are the people who just dueled 2. Could the "shut off" Rakarei so it doesn't hurt there allies, or no All in all a great chapter, and I can't wait to see more The ages range from 15-16. Damien and his sister are both 15, Alistair's 16, and Skylar's 16 as well. Calle is about 19-20, but given his experience (as described in the prior Series) and his family history, he's more than qualified to be their trainer. Rakurai cannot be shut off. It is spiritual energy that is constantly active in the body. Therefore anyone who participates in a duel (or a fight, which we'll get to), is going to take some damage as the Rakurai makes it all real. It's somewhat difficult to describe because it was one of those things that really became clear throughout the entire first Series, but that's the best attempt I can make. As the person who wrote the post-duel scene, I do believe I can answer that last question. The reason that Calle can divert Alistair's Rakurai and, in a sense use it against him, is because he is the far more skilled of the two. Alistair has a lot of power, as do they all, but he has yet to learn how to control it. Calle can divert his power and stop it short. If he was facing someone of a similar skill level, someone who has already put effort into directing his Rakurai into something like a stage technique, doing something like that would be far, far more difficult. It can be used to protect, if Calle is significantly more powerful than whoever they're facing. Basically what Umbra said. Calle is a very experienced fighter but even he can only achieve two Stages right now (with the exception of D-Stage but that's a different concept all together most similar to Armor Digivolution for those who are fans of the original Digimon series. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoshpalStefan Posted May 10, 2013 Report Share Posted May 10, 2013 Okay, maybe you already said this but I forgot it, how frequently will you be posting chapters? I'm asking because I want to do a thorough analysis of a couple of chapters rather than one, or rather to touch on how well they intertwine and all that, so I need to know the frequency in which you intend to post the chapters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted May 10, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2013 New Chapters premiere Tuesdays and Fridays every week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randomflyingobjects Posted May 11, 2013 Report Share Posted May 11, 2013 I was reading this, and Damien pulls his Majestic Mech onto the field, right after he drew a 'powerful' card. Based off the few moments after the duel, when he's looking down at his cards, and thinking about a specific card, it's clear that Majestic Mech isn't the huge monster, but some other card is. And he apparently never got around to playing it... which he probably won't, until he's in a worst-case scenario situation against a villain. We can pretty much tell by now that Andrea is going to get stuck in a tag duel with Alistair, and Damien is going to have to duel his way out of a life/death situation. Skylar's going to get cut down to size eventually. And Calion's going to make a sudden appearance in the moment least expected. Beatrice is either evil or is going to get killed, and the Four Star Siege is going to take on each individual, excluding Calle/Tres, who will be in jeopardy. Those are my predictions, anyway. As I've read from Accel I, the only time one's Rakurai ever shuts off, it's shut off for good. Didn't that happen to Xiael, all his Rakurai was drained from him? And wasn't Lucien's big tournament thingy absorbing other peoples' Rakurai? And they walked off weak and powerless when they lost? Unlike everybody else, I kind of like Skylar. He seems like that calm, yet stuck-up individual that I somehow don't hate. Alistair is a game-loving teen, Andrea is a cold-hearted person who lives in her own little bubble, and possibly cares about nobody save her brother Damien, who's a timid duelist and person, but a strong fighter. The way I see it, it's a perfect team. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted May 12, 2013 Report Share Posted May 12, 2013 It's not as much a shutdown as it is a cancelling of an outburst, like blocking a sword or, indeed, stopping a punch with your hand. What Calle's doing is essentially the Rakurai equivalent of that; fending off a rather weak attack with a simple maneuver. As to whether Rakurai-drain a la Lucien is permanent or not, that remains to be seen. Such a thing would be very difficult to reverse, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoshpalStefan Posted May 13, 2013 Report Share Posted May 13, 2013 Okay, I decided that I'll have time to fully review and edit the three chapters so far and post them (I couldn't do it last week due to having AP exams to worry about). Just tell me beforehand so that I don't make a mistake: do you want all 3 chapters in one spoiler (combined) or do you want 3 spoilers, each containing one chapter? I find both easy to do, so it's all up to you. Also, just to show a bit of subjectivity to my otherwise technical reviews, I am liking the story so far - I'm just trying to look at it through the eyes of a literary student, which kind of disallows me to show pure subjectivity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted May 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 13, 2013 Which ever you prefer my friend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted May 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 It's Tuesday, so that means a new episode! [spoiler=Episode 4: Failure is Not an Option!] Episode 4: Failure is Not an Option Beatrice was at her desk when he entered. Her office was large, majestic even, decorated with marble and black stone, and the desk was the centerpiece that everything circled around. The view overlooked the bay below, giving almost a full view of the calm sea below. Casting only a brief glance at the facility complex beneath them, clinging to the hillside like moss, he turned his attention to the woman at the desk. She was looking at her computer screen, looking at what appeared to be a spreadsheet full of numbers. He cleared his throat. ”You wanted to see me?” Beatrice looked up at him, through her black-rimmed glasses. She nodded at him, one quick movement before looking at the screen again. ”I did indeed. Come here.” Calle held back the urge to gulp. She hadn't sounded pleased on the phone, and even less so now. He had taken a bit of a gamble with his examination, holding it right off the bat, but he felt that he had learned enough to get these kids up to speed. Hopefully, he hadn't screwed up already. Beatrice tapped a key on her keyboard, and a projector turned on. Four spheres were suddenly hanging mid-air, marked with the names of his new students. Beatrice nodded at them. ”These are the results from the field scans we performed during your little test. Good initiative, by the way, but I would prefer it if you gave us more time to set it up. There's almost a two-minute window during the first duel where we have no data, so we had to extrapolate.” She tapped another key, and the spheres starting changing in size rather quickly. Occasionally, some would burst and almost explode, before going back to their normal size – the ones marked Alistair and Andrea, to be exact. Skylar's sphere remained consistently large, only taking small hits and wobbles during his duel. As expected, near the very end there was another burst from Alistair, one that made the sphere turn around itself. Calle shook his head. ”Look, Beatrice. This is nice and flashy and all, but what are you trying to tell me? What is this supposed to mean?” The woman took off her glasses, and her cold blue eyes were bombshells. ”The field scan measures Rakurai output over time, and displays the direction and magnitude of the outbursts themselves. When the use is deliberate, such as with the use of a stage technique, or indeed any directed ability, the sphere starts to rotate. If you had let Alistair finish his attack, I'm sure his reading would have been more impressive.” Calle struggled to hold back a gasp. ”If I hadn't stopped him, he could've hurt the others. Skylar and Damien were both directly next to him. I'm here to train your students, not make them kill each other.” She nodded. ”You are indeed here to train them, and I need results. I'm not a fool, Calle, but I'm not patient. When you have a business like mine to run, you can't afford to be either. You have two weeks to produce some noticeable improvement, or our contract is terminated.” Two weeks? Calle didn't know what she was expecting of him, but she clearly didn't have any sense of attachment to the real world. ”They're children, Beatrice. They don't have any experience in the field, and barely any control over their powers. You can't expect them to do that much in two weeks.” She frowned, and tapped another key. Behind him, the door swung open. ”I can, and I will. Two weeks, Calle, or it's over. For all of you.” He sighed, trying his best to hold back his anger, and nodded at her. ”As you wish.” The door slammed shut behind him as he left the room. Tres waited to allow things to settle, but... --- Tres waited to allow things to settle, but it was clear Calle’s mindset was not as calm and collected as his outward appearance would suggest. I wouldn’t look too much into what she said; I’m sure it’s just threatening talk to get us to speed things up. “Let’s not play stupid,” he shot back. “You and I both know what was heavily implied there. I guess in that case the best bet would be not to get attached to any of them, and focus on nothing but the training.” Agreed, which I imagine won’t be much of a problem for me. Tres replied. But can you handle that? Truthfully, your emotion is strong, look at the connection you developed with Xiael and the others. “I won’t break a sweat,” he said. “This is solely about training. I’ve learned that becoming attached and letting emotions get in the way leads to nothing but loss and disappointment. It’s still difficult to think about the others.” Fair enough, then let us get back to the battlegrounds. We don’t have much time to waste. Tres said, and Calle agreed with a nod. But the fact of the matter was, Tres wasn’t so sure of Calle’s words at all. Based on his experiences with this particular human up to this point, he was almost one-hundred percent certain that Calle would form a connection with these kids. And if that was the case, this could turn out to be quite the interesting journey. --- “Alright then, everyone up.” Calle returned to the battlefield area, and all four of the students were drawn to him at once. Even Skylar stood; something about the tone of his voice and the almost urgent fashion in which he was speaking commanded it. “As you know, I just got together with Beatrice for a bit of friendly conversation,” he said. “The initial results have surfaced and unfortunately, they are not at all up to par with what the organization is searching for.” Damien was the first to react, the disappointment shrouding his face. After all, his poor performance in the duel probably looked bad on all of them, not just him. Andrea shot him a look, then grunted and turned her attention back to Calle. The nerves in Alistair’s face tightened as he awaited further information, while Skylar’s look remained unchanged. “I’m afraid I don’t understand,” Skylar chimed in. “I did just as you said; I won the duel, I passed your little test, by those means I should no longer have to be here.” “No interruptions when I’m speaking,” Calle shot back. The intense stare in his eyes caused Skylar to silence immediately. “Skylar, your performance was the worst of them all.” The boy’s eyes widened, and jaw dropped. He couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. “You said—” But Calle didn’t even let him get the sentence out. “I said if you passed the test, I’d pass you immediately. Not only did you not pass the test, you failed it with flying colors. Your arrogance is horrendous and your lack of understanding about anything other than yourself makes you the weakest of the four. If I were conducting eliminations, more than likely I would’ve had you removed by now.” The others couldn’t believe it, either. Everyone was torn between looking at Skylar and keeping their eyes locked on Calle as the tension grew between them. “What did you say?” He asked, practically shaking from head to toe with anger. “You heard everything that I said as clear and concise as the others,” Calle replied, stern. “From the moment I arrived here, you showed me no respect at all.” He explained. “Now to be honest, I could care less about that. But your lack of respect reflects the rest of your attitude, as well as your fighting style. One who cannot respect their enemies cannot defeat those same enemies. Whether you like me or not, and this goes for any of you,” he glanced around at the students. “Whether you like me or not changes nothing. I’m not here to be your friend; I’m here to train you. If you can’t handle that, then please, don’t waste my time.” No one said a word – they were far too immersed in Calle’s. “So now we test your combat skills.” --- Quietly following suit after the humbling opening words, the group carried forward a few steps behind Calle to an open field located next to the duel grounds. About half of it was composed of dirt and soil, somewhat blended together to form an odd, almost tan surface. The other half was grass and woodland, making up the majority of the outskirts of the battle area. Ideal training for both concealing yourself and for fighting out in the open. They wondered silently what the first real test awaiting them would be. Would they have to spar with one another like they’d had to do duel-wise? Would they team up? Surely, whatever Calle had in mind was going to be a step-up in intensity considering the pressure and tension that was now very evident. They couldn’t afford to fail walking on such thin ice. That’s why there was an awkwardly confusing outburst when Calle unsheathed his short sword, drawing a small circle in the dirt. Being careful not to step on his lines, he thrust the sword into the center of the circle, only to then step out and turn to face his students. This is certainly not what I was expecting. Tres said, admittedly puzzled by Calle’s direction. “Just be patient, you’re in for a treat,” he replied. Alistair was the first to speak, stepping out of line slightly. “With all due respect, what exactly is the point of this?” “Screw the respect, this is silly!” Andrea shouted. “You’re wasting our time; I thought this was supposed to be a training exercise!” “I don’t get it either,” Damien said, adding onto the words of the others. “How are you going to train us without your weapon?” “Hmm...” he said aloud, surveying the group. “Is that all? No one else has anything to so kindly add?” No one said a word. Alistair stepped back into line. Despite her rage, Andrea did her best to keep calm as well. “Alright then, that’s more like it. Somehow I didn’t take into consideration the fact that I would face such a lack of patience when I signed on for this. No worries though, we have but one training exercise today.” “Well yeah?!” Andrea exclaimed, her eyes burning with intensity. “Well what is it?!” Calle flashed a smile. “It’s simple. All you’ve got to do is step into this circle and pry my sword from the ground.” He said. That’s it? Alistair wondered. It didn’t sound all that challenging at all. Andrea followed up with laughter. “Well why didn’t you just say so?! I’ll pass this with flying colors!” She grinned, taking off towards the sword without so much as another word. What a joke; this was an insult to her intelligence. But as she went to grasp it, she found her hand blocked, and the circulation in her wrist tightened instantly. Calle had a grip on her tight. But how?! I didn’t see him move at all – there was no time! He held the grip firm, careful not to injure her, but not to let her go either. “H-hey! That’s my arm! Come on, let go of me!” I don’t understand how he was able to move so quickly. I watched him the entire time, my focus wasn’t on the girl at all. And yet I didn’t see him move even though he clearly did. Skylar kept a calm look, but his mind was wandering for sure. Is he really that strong? I can’t stop thinking about what he said...to make a mockery of me like that...damn him... “I didn’t finish yet,” he said glaring right into her eyes. Almost instantly, her simmering anger dropped to an all-time low. He released her hand, and without even contemplating otherwise, she stepped away from the sword. “As I was trying to say, all I want is for you to pry my sword from the ground. Anyone who can at least make contact with the sword will guarantee their safety as far as remaining in the program goes. However,” he said, letting that pause sink in. “Here’s the catch. If the sword is pulled out of the ground, anyone who hasn’t made contact with it will fail. Immediately.” And there was the catch. The four of them stood frozen in place, trying their best not to show signs of weakness in front of the others. But that put a lot of pressure on them – especially because their unity as a team was not strong in the slightest. How could they even begin to trust one another when the opportunity to grab the sword right off the bat was right there? “And the challenge begins...” he glanced at his watch. “...Now.” --- So what are you hoping to accomplish with this? In actuality, it doesn’t seem like that difficult of a task. Tres said. At the same time, none of them possess the ability to work together as a cohesive unit, meaning you could end up causing in-fighting between them. It’s almost counter-active. “Almost, that’s the key word there,” Calle replied. By laying the groundwork the way he had, the four of them would have either two options - work together as a unit to make sure they’re all able to at least grab the sword, or fight amongst themselves so that the first one to get to it would be able to win and secure themselves. Tres was right; on the surface it accomplished nothing either way. But they hadn’t taken into account the fact that he would be defending the sword at the same time. “See, if we were to stand by idly and allow them to decide for themselves who’s going to grab it, I would agree with you. But I don’t plan on making it easy for them. In fact, we’re going to push them to their absolute limits.” You mean...you intend to fight them as well? A shocked Tres questioned. So this isn’t just a normal training exercise at all... “That would depend on your definition of normal,” he said. “Beatrice wants to see their power levels on full display. This is the only way to do so without causing absolute chaos.” Even then, he was still worried. There was no telling what would happen, despite trying to draw out their power. It was only a matter of seconds when Alistair tried to hit Skylar, but he couldn’t control his power at all. On top of that, I’m not even sure it was a Stage Technique...he simply allowed his anger to build up to the point of the Rakurai taking control of him, instead of the other way around. I can’t let that happen; I don’t care what she says, they’re still just kids. “Well, what are you waiting for?” Calle asked, taunting the group. It didn’t take long to get his answer; Andrea was the first to spring into action, her humbling from the first attempt not having much of an effect one way or another. She dashed right for the center, keeping her eyes on Calle. This time, I won’t let him move in time to stop me. That sword is mine! With her right hand out, she reached for it, moving at a fast pace no less. Let’s go! An arrow whisked past her, coming so close to her face that it actually cut off a few hairs. Comprised of Rakurai, it took on a bright white form in appearance, an arrow made of entirely energy. She could barely stop herself upon seeing it, but she did just in time. When she turned to see it’s whereabouts, she was surprised to see that it wasn’t Calle at all, but Skylar. What?! Him?! Using just his right index finger/thumb with his left arm as a base, Skylar was able to generate arrows, almost mimicking the stance of a bow. This not only served as his weapon, but was made possible by the use of his 1st Stage Technique, Seishin kyoka; “spirit arrow”. By focusing the Rakurai in his body to a central location, he could tap into its power and use it to form a point. Where the technique came into play was allowing a steady focus, and creating enough of an energetic charge between his arms to allow the energy to materialize physically before release. Calle had put it together rather quickly, but he had to admit it was impressive. There was hardly any shift in power, simply re-location. That would explain why Skylar’s levels hadn’t really changed one way or another on the computer. He was the only one who had a real grip on his power, at least thus far. There’s no doubting the kid is skilled. It’s his mentality that hinders him. But why had he chosen such a precise angle for the attack? After a brief silence, Skylar shook his head. “Don’t be an idiot,” he scolded her, keeping his stance in case she decided to try for a second charge. “When you’re in a duel, it’s one thing to have the attitude which you carry,” he said. “You’re reckless and you allow your anger to make your moves for you. But it doesn’t matter, because in a duel you’re responsible for yourself and that’s as far as it goes. You can’t possibly expect us to stand idly by while you grab the sword for yourself and screw the rest of us.” What did he say?! She gasped. Even Calle did a double-take. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a team player,” he continued. “I could care less whether any of your pass or fail. However there’s a clear objective to this so-called training exercise and it’s not to be the first to grab that sword. I think I understand what it is; but the truth of the matter is just one person grabbing it isn’t going to get me out of here any faster.” “What are you talking about?” She asked. “You heard exactly what he said, I’m going to be the one to grab it and pass this damn training, if the rest of you can’t keep up then that’s not my problem!” “Sometimes I wonder if you take the time to listen to the words that come out of your mouth,” he said. “Only then would you understand how stupid you sound. I could’ve grabbed that sword twice already.” “You’re bluffing,” she said. “If that’s the case then why am I the one right near it while you’re standing all the way over there?!” “Have you learned nothing from his entire approach to this whole thing since he got here?” Skylar asked, looking at Calle for a moment as Andrea did the same. Calle simply stood. “Everything has an underlying purpose. Think about the duel I just won,” he said. “I won the duel, yet I didn’t pass what he considered “his test”. What good is meeting the objective if it’s not the true way to achieve victory?” Andrea froze in place once again, her mind running rampant with thoughts. What was Skylar talking about, why the sudden change in personality? He had down-right denied the idea of working with teams in any fashion, and now he was encouraging it? Was this some kind of a trick? Yeah, that had to be it. As soon as she let her guard down, he’d swoop in and grab it for himself. She wasn’t going to fall for it, though. She’d show that good-for-nothing punk exactly who he was messing with. “Don’t play some kind of mind game with me, it’s mine!” She turned to reach for it again. It was right there, literally right in front of her face. Nothing was stopping her from... “If you won’t listen to reason, this time I won’t miss on purpose...” “Seishin kyoka." To be continued...[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a bad post Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 Nice chapter! I like the tension you built here, and the description of Beatrice was nice as well. Overall my favorite chapter so far because of: 1. Character development was absolutely amazing in this chapter, it gave more dimension to Skylar, eh... Andrea still seems like a b****, and made him less dislikeable, and more 3-D. 2. We get a better look at Tres and Beatrice, and there personality. 3. That speech that Calle gave was freakin' amazing, I loved it. Again I'll review the whole chapter after the part 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoshpalStefan Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 Without further ado, here's my full review of the first chapter. I'll try to review all of them fully by the end of the week - I know it seems like a lot of time for reviewing them, but consider that a full length analysis does take me about an hour to write, so I'd appreciate some patience. :) Also, I didn't really touch much on grammar and spelling because I didn't consider it that necessary to do so - there are a few points on that, but overall you're good from that perspective. [spoiler=Chapter 1 Full Review / Analysis] Episode 1: The Sacred Bonds He thought back to the phone call, and the ever-so-convenient timing that came along with it. Figures He figured his vacation would be cut short. For the first time in months he’d been highly anticipating the chance to just sit and relax, just to let his wounds heal and his body rest after the intense training he’d undergone lately. Since he and Calion had mutually agreed to go their separate ways, Calle Anden had closed his research facility and dedicated his spare time to training to become an even more versatile combatant. A long road still lay ahead, and this additional time was best used to hone one’s skills. I mentioned this before but this does not have a hook. For any good book or story, even if you just want to show it to friends or if you want to get published or anything really, you need to intrigue them. Immediately starting the action with a he-received-a-phone-call situation is not really that effective. If you're looking for good hooks, I advise you to read the beginning of Fight Club - that is a good hook and quite an intense one as well. You can also read the first sentence of Pride and Prejudice to see what a witty hook looks like. Other than that, I changed "Figures" to "He figured" so that it matched with the past tense of the rest of the paragraph - if "Figures" was strategically placed there for another reason, let me know. He’d barely had any time to get ready before the helicopter arrived. Just as he’d hung up with the woman, a rather strange sounding mistress with a cunning, yet high-pitched voice creating an odd scenario, it had landed on a platform a few miles from his residence. She wasn’t kidding when she said she needed his help immediately, he joked to himself. At first he hadn’t been sure whether or not he wanted to take her up on her request, but something told him that if he did, he’d be able to better prepare the fighters under him for the battles to come in the future. All is good in this paragraph except for the third sentence; I think you need to find a better word choice for "kidding" and "joked". "Joked" might work, as it does flow nicely with the sentence, but there might be a better word for "kidding". If there isn't, then fine - I'm saying this because I can't think of any better words, I just feel that these two kind of disrupt the flow of the sentence. And besides, Tres had agreed, it would be a good way to expand their own knowledge and relationships and perhaps gain more of an understanding of their fusion and co-existence within the same body. All within due time, of course. But there were plenty of motives going forward. Good - alluding back to previous events keeps the audience intrigued, all is A-okay here. --- ”We're almost there, sir.” He looked out the window, trying to peer through the fog below. They had been going over open waters for quite a while now, and the morning mists had yet to fade away. Outside, the seas looked just the same as before, but he trusted the pilot in that regard. Seeing as he apparently still had a few moments left to his own before they arrived, he opened up his laptop and eyed the files some more. I don't know if the large space between "few" and "moments" is necessary - I think it might be a typo of sorts - but I won't touch it for the reason that I don't know if it's intentional or accidental. Otherwise the descriptions and diction in this paragraph is quite well thought-of, good job. He hadn't heard of this... Beatrice woman before, but judging from the data she'd sent him, she definitely knew her stuff. No less than four disciples of her own, with varying levels of dueling skill and Rakurai. Maelstrom, Alistair. Tistro, Andrea and Damien. Skylar, last name unknown. He had raised an eyebrow at the last one, but Beatrice had assured him that her recruiters knew what they were doing. Considering that this is creative writing, I'll leave the sentence fragments be - but I am sure that the three dots after "this" and before "Beatrice" is unnecessary - it simply makes it look somewhat strange. Even so, he couldn't help but to worry a bit. While they all seemed promising, none of them had demonstrated any actual abilities yet. There were many who were born with vast amounts of Rakurai inside them, but lacked the control over it needed to perform stage techniques. Is the "over it needed to perform stage techniques" intentional? I'm sorry but I just can't follow - I understand that you want to say that they lacked the ability to perform stage techniques - but the sentence is badly worded. I think that it might be better this way: "but lacked control over it, and so they couldn't perform stage techniques"; or, you could separate the sentence into two parts with a semi-colon, looking something like this: "There were many who were born with vast amounts of Rakurai inside them, but lacked control over it; they didn't possess the ability to perform stage techniques quite yet. It's your choice, but I'm just posting some valuable options. There'll be more than enough time for that, Calle. He nodded, seemingly into the empty air. You're right, Tres. Lucien is dead, and Hayate's gone from the face of the earth. If there's any justice in the world, we should have at least a moment of peace. He leaned back in his seat, and prepared for landing. Okay, an important note here - all writers do have their trademark, so to say. Some are known for using certain techniques, some for overusing a certain sign, such as a semi-colon or a colon. In your case, it would probably be the fact that you write in oddly placed spaces - this could again be intentional or accidental, but since this is the second time you've done it, I think it's intentional. In any case, it is not bad to have a trade mark in your writing - as long as you're consistent throughout. If indeed you use this kind of odd spaces regularly throughout the chapters, then fine; if not, however, I advise you to write in normally placed spaces. The island was just a few miles off the coast, and according to Beatrice, it was entirely self-sustaining. Fishing stations and rice fields on the shores provided food, while forests and plantations further inland gave them all the materials they needed. She even ran a mining operation in the bedrock below, searching for raw materials and such to help further construction on the island. Other than the few syntax mistakes that I noticed, this paragraph fits in quite well - it's good when details on the setting are given, especially since it's the beginning chapter and people are still unfamiliar with most things regarding the plot or setting. However, the main attraction was definitely the facility. Situated on a hillslope that just broke through the fog, the station was built into the hill itself. A vast complex of steel and solar panels, it seemed large enough to staff at least a thousand – and most likely did. Just before he'd left, he'd done some quick research on the facility, as well as her company, and it seemed like they had been in the business for quite a few years. Not that they'd put ”Rakurai-training” on their business cards, but that's where the money goes. Refer back to my previous comment. Also, I noticed the odd spaces again, for which you also need to refer to one of my previous comments. To his Calle's surprise, the pilot made a sharp turn to the left, away from the facility. Looking ahead, he could see why; there were four large dueling fields just ahead of them. They were not arenas, not by any stretch of the imagination, but they were most definitely fit for testing purposes. He was taken by surprise, though; he hadn't expected to be starting his new job so soon. Here, the only thing I needed to alter was changing the first "his" to "Calle's" - this being for syntactical reasons purely. If you put he / his constantly throughout, the audience might be confused if the antecedent is the MC (Calle) or someone else, such as the pilot. They were already waiting for him as he stepped out of the helicopter. He recognized all four of them from the files he'd received. As the only girl among them, Andrea obviously stood out, with her arms crossed in the middle of the group, and the similar-looking boy next to her could only be her brother, Damien. The guy on the far right, dressed like he just crawled out of the outback, could only be Alistair Maelstrom. Again, oddly spaced paragraphs, so far it's good that you're keeping consistent with their use. As for "recognized", if you're going with the american version, then you're fine - however, my editor is correcting it to the british version, so that's not your concern, I just wanted to throw it out. And of course, there's him. Skylar, their mysterious forth. He was the only one who didn't look back at Calle as he walked towards them; instead, he followed the helicopter's path across the sky, back toward the facility. He seemed very disinterested in their cause, and the girl seemed almost openly defiant. He cleared his throat. Okay, I can clearly say that the odd spaces are either intentional or my copy-pasting did something wrong. In any case, I can't comment much on that. ”Alright, let's get down to business. My name's Calle Anden and I'm here to train you. You're not as powerful as you could be, and the boss lady's hired me to help you get to that level.” ”This is a waste of time. We don't need your help.” It was the girl who had spoken up, as expected. Calle simply nodded. ”That's what we're here to find out, isn't it? If that's the case, that'd make my job much easier. However, I've never been one to rely just on faith. I need to see some evidence. Why don't we go with you and...” His eyes went from one guy to the other, finally settling on...”...you, Alistair. You two can duke it out first, show us what you've got. I'll be watching from here.” The dialogue is rather cliched and almost feels rushed to be honest. It seems that the first half minute he's meeting them, introducing himself and all that - and the next they're duelling full force. I'm just saying that you might want to stretch out this chapter and introduce some tension in the dialogue before you introduce them to a full-blown battle. There are other books that have rushed the plot - but tension before any action is utterly helpful plot-wise. DUEL 1 Andrea vs. Alistair 4000 | 4000 “You don’t have the slightest idea what you’re in for, prepare get ready for a whooping unlike any you’ve ever seen!” Andrea grinned excitedly as she drew her starting hand. Psh, proving herself? Like she had anything to prove. “I summon Constellar Pollux in attack mode!” Firstly, replace "prepare" with "get ready", simply because the diction of "whooping" and "prepare" is on an utterly different level of formality - this way it's balanced in terms of formality. Another thing is that you're playing a very intriguing, yet dangerous card narrator wise. Maybe you made a mistake with the quotation marks here, but it seems that you've shifted from an objective third person narrator to a very first-person like story-teller, indicated with the "Psh, proving herself?" This shift in tone at the narrator might suggest something for the future of the story - however, much like the odd spaces, it must remain consistent throughout. Constellar Pollux LV4/LIGHT/Warrior Once per turn, you can Normal Summon/Set an additional “Constellar” monster during this turn. 1700/1000 In a glistening white armor, the horned warrior appeared, wielding a lengthy katana. “But that’s not all, because during the turn Constellar Pollux is brought out, I gain an additional Normal Summon! And that’s bad news for you, because now I‘m summoning Constellar Kaus!” The shorter Kaus, sporting a slight variation of Pollux’s majestic armor, flipped onto the field. The monsters are very well depicted here in great detail, as they should be - good job. Constellar Kaus LV4/LIGHT/Warrior Up to twice per turn, you can target 1 “Constellar” monster on the field and increase its Level by 1 OR decrease its Level by 1. 1800/1000 “Some shiny monsters you got there,” Alistair cracked. “Hope they don’t mind gettin’ a bit dirty.” “I wouldn’t be making jokes if I were you, they may look royal but that doesn’t mean they should be taken lightly,” she said. “Just watch, thanks to Kaus’ ability, I can make it so he and Pollux share the same Level. That means I can build the Overlay Network to Xyz Summon Constellar Hyades!” Okay, here there's two things to consider: Alistair's line and the nature that this story is beginning to take. Primarily, well done on the fact that you gave a diverse character to Alistair - you've made him different from others in creating a very light-hearted persona; thus, I applaud you on that. Furthermore, and this isn't necessarily negative, the second line is where the piece is beginning to exhibit its very fan-fiction-like nature, and also where it becomes cliched. This all depends on whether or not you want people to consider it as a fan fiction piece rather than a work of literature - however, it is mine to point that out. Constellar Hyades RK3/LIGHT/Warrior 2 Level 3 LIGHT monsters Once per turn, you can detach 1 Xyz Material from this card to change all monsters your opponent controls to face-up Defense Position. 1900/1000 Wielding a lance reminiscent of the medieval times but lined with an array of gold, the swift and agile knight materialized upon the field. “Try and take her down, but you’ll fail! I set one card and end my turn!” Very powerful diction and very nicely placed too - well done. “Well, we’ve established that you can put on a show, but all this nobility’s a little too calm and royal for me,” he laughed, drawing a card. “I think we need to kick things up a bit!” Slamming a card on the duel disk, he called out, “So I’ll try my hand! Come on out, Mayhem Beast Magna-Sabre!” Utterly cliched - fix if you so choose. Mayhem Beast Magna-Sabre LV4/LIGHT/Machine You can Special Summon this card from your hand. While you control a “Mayhem Beast” monster(s), you cannot Special Summon a non-“Mayhem Beast” monster. All face-up “Mayhem Beast” monsters you control gain 200 ATK and DEF for each “Mayhem Beast” monster you control. You can only control 1 “Mayhem Beast Magna-Sabre”. 1000/1200 Uproariously, the mechanized sabertooth composed itself on the field, sporting a pair of wings made of molten rock. “But you’re not the only one who can bring out two monsters in one turn, mate. See, any time I summon a “Mayhem Beast” monster, it’s treated as a Special Summon, meaning I can bring out a bunch of these little fellas all in one turn! Of course there’s a drawback, I can’t use non-“Mayhem Beast” monsters, but I don’t see that being much of an issue.” Once again, really powerful diction - keep it up. “Enough with the commentary,” she snapped. “I’ve got a duel to win, so speed it up!” “Looks like someone’s a bit feisty,” Alistair noted with a laugh. “As you wish, milady. I’ll just wing it then! With this, Mayhem Beast Strato-Wing!” Another mechanized creature, this one vaguely resembling a hawk with wings made of static electricity soared onto the battlefield. “So here’s the fun part! Thanks to Magna-Sabre, all “Mayhem Beast” monsters out in play gain two-hundred ATK and DEF points for each “Mayhem Beast” monster out there with ‘em. Since I’m sure you’re skilled enough to do that math, that means both of my monsters gain four-hundred ATK points!” “Too bad for you, that’s still not going to be enough to topple my Hyades,” she smirked. “Not even close.” Once more, good diction but very fan-fiction-like cliche. Mayhem Beast Strato-Wing LV4/WIND/Machine You can Special Summon this card from your hand. While you control a “Mayhem Beast” monster(s), you cannot Special Summon a non-“Mayhem Beast” monster. You can make this card’s ATK 0 and target 1 “Mayhem Beast” monster on the field other than this card; that monster gains ATK equal to the this card’s original ATK, until the End Phase. 700/1500 “That may be, but Strato-Wing’s got a surprise of his own,” revealed Alistair. “In addition to a badass getup, I can drop Strato Wing’s ATK points down to 0 in order to allow another monster to utilize those points, so I’ll be doing just that with Magna-Sabre!” Mayhem Beast Magna Sabre = 1000 + 400 + 700 = 2100 “That means your Magna-Sabre has a total of 2100!” She exclaimed, half in a panic. “Indeed, and contrary to what you said earlier, that’s enough to topple Hyades! Go, Magna-Sabre, attack with Volcaic Wing!” The wings attached to the creature’s frame shone with molten lava as it leapt into the air, hurling a blast straight at Hyades, incinerating it in moments. I'll try not to be as nick-picky next time, but again, the diction is very well-planned, utterly powerful, but accompanied with cliche speeches it falls on its behind. 3800 | 4000 “Damn you,” she said, a rugged look on her face. It was evident that she wasn’t enjoying the duel at all. A rather strange contrast to Alistair, who took a great pride in dueling and giving it his all every time. Why was winning a game like this so essential to her, especially if she didn’t need to prove herself? He wondered. “It’s just a minor set-back.” Again, you're making a lap with the narrator - I understand that you're telling the MC's thoughts here, but it's not distinguishable - and it's rather confusing as well. At least at "He wondered" - place the MC's name instead of "He"; it makes more sense that way. “Say what you will there,” Alistair said. “Looks like your dueling spirit hasn’t been awakened yet. I guess it’s up to me to test you to the max! Go, Strato-Wing, attack her Life Points directly with Static Cyclone!” Whisking itself into a whirling tornado, the creature fired a thunderbolt directly at Andrea herself. She wasn’t any happier when it was over. Awesome descriptions - I know I'm repeating myself, but I have to point out on the pros of the writing so you don't change them. 3400 | 4000 “Aye, guess that didn’t make a difference either,” he replied, somewhat saddened. The chance to make a good first impression on their new mentor was all the fun – but for whatever reason she appeared to have a vendetta against the guy despite the fact that they’d just met. Sometimes you just had to sit back and enjoy a competitive game. He’d have to try harder to bring that out of her. “I’ll pass it back to you then,” he said setting one card. Okay, you're further building on Alistair's character - something that should and is done in the first couple of chapters. Character development does constantly continue throughout the entire piece, but it's good to start early on so that the reader acknowledges early that each character is his own - they aren't all dueling puppets for the sake of fan-fiction. “Don’t worry about me, focus on yourself,” she snapped. “I don’t need anyone’s attention nor help. I can do this on my own. And besides, if he thinks I need to prove what I’m capable of, I’ll be happy to oblige. Now watch, I summon Constellar Algiedi!” Again, I'm glad you're building on these characters in a contrasting fashion - one is kind and light-hearted whereas the other is angry and bitter; this does ultimately plant a seed in the reader's mind that there are no commonalities between both characters, so they'll anticipate a sort of friction further on in the chapters. Constellar Algiedi LV4/LIGHT/Spellcaster When this card is Normal Summoned, you can Special Summon 1 Level 4 “Constellar” monster from your hand. 1600/1400 Sporting a slimmer, trimmed frame and a keylock staff, the white-robed mage lowered herself onto the field, raising her staff in the air as she prepared to call allegiance to the field. “If you thought Hyades was impressive, just wait, because now thanks to Algiedi’s power, I can Special Summon another “Constellar” monster to the field! Rise, Constellar Acubens!” Towering over his summoner, the bulky, over-sized warrior knelt down on the field, crossing its arms as its two razor-sharp claws prepared to tear into the enemy. Amazing diction. Constellar Acubens LV4/LIGHT/Machine When this card is Normal or Special Summoned, all “Constellar” monsters you currently control gain 500 ATK until the End Phase. 800/2000 “He’s not just strong in appearance, because Acubens comes armed with an ability that will tear you to smithereens!” She exclaimed. “See, during the turn he’s brought out, all “Constellar” monsters I control gain an extra five-hundred attack points!” Constellar Algiedi = 1600 + 500 = 2100 Constellar Acubens = 800 + 500 = 1300 Now we’re talking, she’s prepared a sweet counter-attack. - Alistair said, encouraging the girl to make her move. This was what dueling was about, a battle of true grit. “So you’re not relying on an Xyz Summon this turn? Interesting change of pace.” Not much to say here except for the grammar mistake that there should be a different sign when someone says something, it's not suppose to be the end of a sentence with a period, but rather with this sign (-) to illustrate that someone said something. Just a common rules of dialogue. “I don’t need an Xyz Summon to beat the likes of you,” she said, a glare in her eyes that suggested her feelings towards him weren’t exactly positive. “You’re so happy-go-lucky, like nothing could wrong if you give it one-hundred percent, but you’re blind to the realities that exist around us. Pretty soon you’re going to see things aren’t that easy. And I’ll start now, by having Algiedi destroy our Magna-Saber! Sapphire Blast!” The mage fired a burst of purple energy from her staff, warping the creature into such a disjumbled mess that it eventually exploded into pixels. Once again, it's good that you're establishing a vast difference between the two characters, but replace the crossed out line with something else; I say this because you're overdoing the fact that she doesn't like him. The reader already knows of this friction; thus, the crossed out sentence is not necessary. 3400 | 3300 “Up next, it’s Acubens’ turn to do some damage! You thought you were playing smart by bringing your bird’s attack points down to zero, but now you’ve left yourself wide open for an attack. Go, Acubens, crush him with Symphonic Grasp!” The hawk tried to fly out of the way, but was pulled in by the clutch of Acubens’ claws. The menacing warrior squeezed and squeezed until the bird was devoid of life, vanishing into the air. 3400 | 2000 Alistair brushed it off, glancing towards the rest of the group as they stood watching the duel commence. Calle stood a few feet away from the others, more than likely breaking down and analyzing the moves and duelists’ skills. He said nothing, and showed no particular sense of interest one way or another. Whether or not that was good or bad, Alistair couldn’t be sure. He laughed to himself to try and keep the pressure down. “Not a bad move at all, mate. I guess I’m the fool for doubting whether or not these guys could get rough and tough. But, ha! It’s my turn, and I’m about to make one ‘ell of a counterattack!” Good, establishing that the character isn't angered - but rather, that he can take anything and come back from it. “Draw!” He shouted, adding the card to his hand. Perfect timing. He showed it to her, depicting a rather sleek-looking warrior holding a lance made of flames. “And what ‘a ya know, I drew just what I needed! See this little doozy here is Mayhem Beast – Pyro Lance,” he said. “And if I draw Pyro Lance, I can send it straight to the Graveyard in order to draw a brand new card.” Doing so, he drew as Andrea scowled at his confidence. “So now thanks to that, I can Special Summon Mayhem Beast – Bolt Tiger from my hand!” Mayhem Beast Bolt-Tiger<br>LV4/LIGHT/Beast<br>You can Special Summon this card from your hand. While you control this card, you cannot Special Summon a non-“Mayhem Beast” monster. Once per turn, you can Tribute 1 “Mayhem Beast” monster on the field to destroy 1 Spell or Trap Card on the field. If you Normal Summoned a monster(s) this turn, you cannot activate this effect.<br>1700/1000<br><br>“I hate for Bolt Tiger to come and go so quickly, but that face-down there is worryin’ me a bit, and I’m hesitant to make a solid push while it’s sitting there! So I’ll use Bolt Tiger’s effect, sending it to the Graveyard in order to bid adieu to that one!”<br><br>Andrea slammed her fist against her duel disk as she placed the set card, Constellar Meteor, into the card Graveyard. “You’ll pay for that one.”<br><br>“Pay I might, but not quite yet! See there’s a reason Pyro-Lance sends himself to the Graveyard upon being drawn, and this is why! If a “Mayhem Beast” monster that isn’t Pyro Lance gets sent to the Graveyard, I can grab Pyro-Lance and call him out to the field!” With a storming hot intensity, the infernal warrior rose from the ground, holding his lance out-right.<br><br>[ LV4/FIRE/Beast When you draw this card, reveal it and send it to the Graveyard. Then, draw 1 card. While this card is in your Graveyard, when a “Mayhem Beast” monster, except “Mayhem Beast Pyro-Lance” is sent to the Graveyard, Special Summon this card from your Graveyard. Then, it gains 800 ATK. 1400/1100 Mayhem Beast Pyro-Lance = 1400 + 800 = 2200 “Sure, there’s plenty of flash and whatnot, but when it gets down to the wire, this is what duelin’s all about,” he smiled. “The thrill of the game. And it don’t get much more thrillin’ than this! Pyro-Lance, let’s show that lobster who the real alpha male is! Attack with Infernal Sear!” Acubens readied to defend itself, but the high velocity of Lance’s spear pierced it in seconds. Presenting the audience with some goals of the character - aka the thrill of the game - is worthy to do, but perhaps not as early as the first chapter. I don't know how many more events will occur, but it's worthwhile to leave his ambitions for later on, not reveal them instantly. 1900 | 2000 “I’m so sick of you already. Prancing around here like everything comes so easily to you,” she said blunt in a blunt manner. “As far as I’m concerned, it’s people like you that makes it so I don’t want to be a team player. I think the entire premise of having to work with anyone to improve my skills is laughable, and if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t be doing it. But if you or anyone else,” she paused for a moment and death-stared Calle, “thinks I’m going to be doing this with a smile or even a pretend desire to work as a team, you all can go to hell.” This is entirely your choice, but if you're being grammatically correct, it's not just "blunt", it should be "in a blunt way / manner / fashion". For the sake of creative writing, you can ignore this comment, but I'm obliged to say what is grammatically correct. “Something’s not clicking with me,” Alistair said. Suddenly, his tone had changed, reflecting a bit more seriousness. It actually took Damien and Skylar a minute to catch up with the change. “You keep talking about how you need to win, how you can’t sit back and enjoy anything, and how all you need to do is hone your skills. At the same time, you don’t believe Calle has what it takes to train you, and that he’s doing this just because he’s getting paid to, or being forced to, even.” She looked up at him. “I’ll be the first to admit I don’t trust anyone right off the bat, but think about it like this,” he said. “This guy’s doing this of his own free will. He’s a skilled tactician and he’s offering to spend his time trying to help us get stronger. I’m aware the importance of learning to use these skills for the battles that lay ahead, but what’s your rush? Why’s it so bad to sit back and enjoy the action?” Okay, here you have presented a major shift of tone in the character - which is not bad, but not good to do early either. We just met the character, so I think he shouldn't just immediately break between personas - I'd say to wait a couple of chapters, as to bring some life into his already established persona before you introduce a massive change in it. Andrea shook her head. “Enough of this back and forth, you wouldn’t understand. It’s time we finish this duel. And I’m going to show you why it’s more important than anything to me! You made the mistake of leaving my Constellar Algiedi on the field, and that means I can offer it to summon Constellar Virgo!” Constellar Virgo LV5/LIGHT/Fairy When this card is Normal Summoned: You can Special Summon 1 Level 5 “Constellar” monster from your hand in face-up Defense Position. 2300/1600[/b] Resembling an almost angelic girl in appearance, the masked Virgo appeared on the field with a pair of glistening golden wings. “Now, when Virgo is summoned, I can bring out a second “Constellar” monster from my hand of the same Level! So I’ll be bringing out Constellar Zubeneschamali! And now, it’s time to end this! I’ll build the Overlay Network to Xyz Summon Rank 5 Constellar Pleiades!” Cliched with good descriptions, already seen before in the previous comments. Constellar Zubeneschamali LV5/LIGHT/Machine When this card is Normal or Special Summoned: You can add 1 “Constellar” monster from your Deck to your hand. 2100/1400 Constellar Pleiades RK5/LIGHT/Warrior/Xyz 2 Level 5 LIGHT monsters Once per turn, during either player’s turn, you can detach 1 Xyz Material from this card to return 1 card on the field to its owner’s hand. 2500/1500 The forces of light were a sight to behold as the mighty Pleiades lowered himself onto the field. His entire body was glowing, the blue and gold armor that lined him from head to toe glistening like an oasis in the summer sun. In his hand was a unique weapon, resembling the length of a sword but the curve of a scythe, yet a spear-like tip at the end. Amazingly presented descriptions. “Uh-oh, that’s on a whole ‘nother level.” Alistair said, half-tempted to look back at Calle and try to get his reactions on the matter. “Talk about an epic soldier.” Hm, now it's getting rather difficult for the careful reader to follow - a minute ago he was acting so solemnly, so seriously - and now he's as happy as if nothing happened. Perhaps you want to introduce an element of "I don't care" in the character, as if it's all just a game to him - but I still doubt the swift change in tone works. “Save the compliments for after I’ve crushed you!” Andrea demanded. “Because with Pleiades’ effect, I can use an Overlay Unit in order to take a monster on your field and return it to your hand! That means your Pyro-Lance is no more!” Vicariously thrusting his staff into the air, Pleiades drew in energy from the sun above, directing it straight at Pyro-Lance, who despite being made of flames himself couldn’t withstand the force, and retreated back to the hand. “Now here’s the fun part, and the difference between you and I! Whereas you focus on the ‘thrill’, I focus on the will to win – there’s no time to enjoy the game! And you’ll learn that first hand! Constellar Pleiades, finish him off with Solar Nova Flare!” Yen, Andrea's persona remains constant throughout - don't change that. Everyone watching was stunned as Pleiades raised the staff again, this time firing a massively huge supernova straight at Alistair, who could do nothing but stand there and take it. And man, was it going to hurt like hell. They could see nothing as the attack struck. Again, you're very unexpected with the narrator - he's objective, then he uses phrases like "And man, was it going to hurt". Coming from an objective, close-looking eye, it utterly confuses and discourages the reader from the author's authority (can't believe I wrote that). Anyhow, I'd say to let the narrator remain as he is most of the time and remove the cliched, childish lines such as this one. “Looks like this duel is over,” Skylar said. “What a pathetic waste of time. There’s no potential in either of them.” Glancing in Calle’s direction to make sure he heard the words, he began to walk away. “Hang on a sec...” Damien half-spoke, his jaw wide open as he witnessed the spectacle in front of him. He was the first to see it, but Skylar sensed something too – and turned around to confirm it. Alistair was still standing. His body was rough and the flames had done a number on his clothes, but he was still standing. This is rather straightforward, so I won't advise changing anything, I think the pace is going okay so far. 1900 | 900 “This...this is inexcusable!” Andrea cried out. “How do you have any Life Points left, I returned your monster to the hand and –” she stopped in her tracks. She’d forgotten...he still had a face-down card. Damnit, how could she have been so careless?! She could’ve returned that to the hand instead and then attacked the monster leaving a clean slate, but instead... Introducing words such as "inexcusable" to Andrea makes her character seem sophisticated and classy - keep this in mind and consider if you want her to appear that way. Adjusting his snakeskin hat, Alistair looked up at the girl, smiling. “You were about to tell me what the difference was between you and I, acting as though we’re two completely different people. Trust me, I’ve been briefed. I know that we’re dealing with a very powerful enemy and that somewhere down the line we’re going to have to put our lives on the line. At the same time I know that I need to learn to better my own skills, and I’d never go as far as to act so conceited and suggest that I’m already better than all of my comrades.” He said. “So while there are a few noticeable differences, the fact remains that we’re both fighting for the same side. But Andrea, if you live your whole life preparing to do nothing but defend that same life, what are you living for at all? I look forward to each duel and even each fight, because it gives me one hell of a thrill to be able to engage in battle. So I make ‘em all count, I write my journey along the way.” What does he mean? Where’s the happy-go-lucky kid from earlier, why this sudden change in tone? She wondered, questions running rampant through her mind. I don’t understand it, I don’t understand what he’s trying to say. “Don’t get me wrong, you’re a hell of a duelist, but you made such a simple mistake because you weren’t taking the time to focus on the duel itself and instead you were worrying about what lies ahead. All I’m sayin’ is, lighten’ up a bit mate. You might find it makes you stronger in the long run. Anyhow, it’s time to finish this one up! First off, thanks to the Trap Card I activated just in time, Harmonic Rhythm, I was able to send a “Mayhem Beast” monster from my hand to the Graveyard to reduce your monster’s attack points by an equal amount!” Ah, there it is! You're adding some serious psychology to Alistair - and though I think you should leave it for a later chapter, you're doing a magnificent job! His change in tone, however, is more evident the second time through; I don't know how the story's going to play out - he might be two personas trapped in one character for the sake of the plot - so I won't comment on that any further, I just hope you give a reasonable explanation later on. Harmonic Rhythm Normal Trap Card Discard 1 “Mayhem Beast” monster to decrease the ATK of an opponent’s monster by that monster’s original ATK. Constellar Pleiades = 2500 – 1400 = 1100 “But it gets a bit better now,” he said. “Because what I had to do here was get your Life Points down to an amount where I could make one play to take the game here! So watch as I activate the Spell Card Fool of the Jester’s Court!” Fool of the Jester’s Court Continuous Spell Card Target 2 monsters from your Graveyard with the same Level. Then, Special Summon 1 Xyz Monster from your Extra Deck with the same Rank as those monsters’ Levels, attaching those monsters to it as Xyz Material. If this card leaves the field, destroy that monster and take damage equal to its original ATK points. You can only activate 1 “Fool of the Jester’s Court” per duel. “Thanks to Fool of the Jester’s Court I’m able to use two “Mayhem Beast” monsters in my Graveyard to Xyz Summon Mayhem Beast Prism-Striker!” Mayhem Beast Prism-Striker RK4/DARK/Rock 2 Level 4 “Mayhem Beast” monsters While you control this card, you cannot Summon a non-“Mayhem Beast” monster(s). When this card destroys an opponent’s monster by battle and sends it to the Graveyard: You can detach 1 Xyz Material from this card; inflict damage to your opponent equal to the original ATK of the detached material. 2300/2450 Metallic black in color, the armored knight struck the field with great ferocity, wielding a long sword encrusted with millions of rare jewels. “This is what it’s all about! Prism-Striker, slash his Pleiades to bits with Diamondine Breaker!” The sword almost bigger than the knight himself, Prism-Striker lifted his weight and leapt across the field, slicing Pleiades in two. But he wasn’t done yet. “And hold up just a second, because now by detaching an Xyz Material, I can hit you for an additional seven-hundred points of damage! I’m sure it doesn’t take a special kind of math to figure that one out, but it’s game over!” This is the cliched duel-winning description here, so looking at it at a literary value it doesn't seem appealing to me, but for a fan fiction I'd, of course, anticipate it - and it is done splendidly, as if ripped from the actual show with the image-filled language. Rearing around for a second attack, Prism-Striker slashed Andrea directly on the shoulder. She stumbled to keep her balance, but as her Life Points hit zero, the Rakurai’s effects kicked in, knocking her off her feet. 0 | 600 GAME OVER --- “Hmph,” Skylar mumbled under his breath. So the loser had done it. He may have been a clown, but perhaps when it came to dueling he wasn’t all that bad. Still couldn’t hold a candle to him, but still, the result was unexpected. Maybe things would be slightly more interesting than he had expected. “Sis, you alright?” Damien rushed over to her side, but she brushed him away. “I’m fine,” she sat up, brushing the dust off her shoulder, which had been wounded slightly from Prism-Striker’s last attack. But she’d be fine. What concerned her more was Calle’s reaction. As she sat up, he looked her right in the eyes from afar, and flashed a slight smirk, followed by a nod of approval. Not that she needed his approval, but...perhaps she could afford to learn a little more. Indeed, this is a kind of anticipated conclusion, leaving the reader to ponder over what the next adventure will hold and transitioning into the next chapter - it's cliched, admittedly, but it's done well. To be continued... Final Thoughts: Okay, now that I've looked at it through a literary perspective, I'll try to value it through a fan-fiction view. Overall, the duel is cliched and it all seems reminiscent of the show itself - but I suppose all fan-fiction pieces do that, so I won't judge on that. However, you do need to alter the introduction and the conclusion. As mentioned already, you really REALLY need a hook - I'm not blaming you for not having it, but as someone who wants to help you improve your piece on both a literary and general way, you need something to draw the audience in. Lastly, the conclusion is all fine and cliched - but then again, that is not necessarily good. Be original! Think of something drastic to happen in the conclusion so that you impress the audience by going that route - and in return, the reader will want to keep reading. Make the Intro and the Outro (so to say) intriguing, dramatic, devastatingly shocking - if needed, kill off one of the character on the very start! I know that might be too drastic, but it's what draws an audience in - and then if you want, through a magical force (it is fan-fiction after all) bring him back! Do anything, absolutely anything, as long as it isn't cliched and boring. It has been fun brining you this full on review, and furthermore, I hope you appreciate the comments because it did take me approximately an hour and a half to analyze and write fully. :)[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted May 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 Much appreciated, my friend. While I don't have the attention span to go through and break everything down from that perspective and reply to each point, I read everything you said and a lot of it did sink in. Looking forward to the next one. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoshpalStefan Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 I understand that you can't reply to each point, my focus was to break down each (or almost each) paragraph and nit-pick around to see how to improve it. ^^ In any case the next one will probably arrive tomorrow - I'll try to review all 4 by Friday so that I can get to that one as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randomflyingobjects Posted May 15, 2013 Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 See, Calle's using his little mind tricks again. He's not only creating confusing tasks for these guys to do, but he even has Tres dumbfounded. For them being spirit partners, you'd think that they'd have a similar thinking pattern. I would think that this test is simple and obvious. Everybody has to touch the sword to pass, not pull it out. The overall goal is to pull it out, sure, but you have to touch it first. Not too difficult, until Calle does something drastic. Not that Skylar and Andrea are the ones doing everything. Damien and Alistair haven't done much but sit there. Actually, based on his poor dueling skills, I hope Damien is the one to save the day. Also note that at the end of the first section, 'Tres waiting for things to settle, but...', and it continues in the next section. 'Tres waited for things to settle, but...'. Note how it repeated itself. It was distracting to the overall chapter. Final question: in the paragraph's spacing, how come it skips lines sometimes, but doesn't others? It's a bit distracting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted May 15, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 See, Calle's using his little mind tricks again. He's not only creating confusing tasks for these guys to do, but he even has Tres dumbfounded. For them being spirit partners, you'd think that they'd have a similar thinking pattern. I would think that this test is simple and obvious. Everybody has to touch the sword to pass, not pull it out. The overall goal is to pull it out, sure, but you have to touch it first. Not too difficult, until Calle does something drastic. Not that Skylar and Andrea are the ones doing everything. Damien and Alistair haven't done much but sit there. Actually, based on his poor dueling skills, I hope Damien is the one to save the day. Also note that at the end of the first section, 'Tres waiting for things to settle, but...', and it continues in the next section. 'Tres waited for things to settle, but...'. Note how it repeated itself. It was distracting to the overall chapter. Final question: in the paragraph's spacing, how come it skips lines sometimes, but doesn't others? It's a bit distracting. As I'm sure you've noticed, Umbra and I have somewhat different writing styles. His is very similar to a piece of literature, where there aren't spaces between every bit of dialogue. I'm working to adapt to that style a bit more because I believe it's presented better and has a better flow. Still, text blocks are text blocks so you have to find the right balance. The other problem we're having is that we use different programs to write our parts and sometimes those programs don't like to work well together. It's fixable and something we're working to sort out, but I can't imagine it's that distracting that it ruins the Chapter as a whole. As for the rest of your post, I think the next Chapter will very interestingly answer some of those questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randomflyingobjects Posted May 15, 2013 Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 Well, it isn't so distracting that it ruins everything, but it is a little bit distracting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted May 16, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2013 Well, it isn't so distracting that it ruins everything, but it is a little bit distracting. No worries, we're working on getting it sorted out. A lot of it has to do with formatting which can just be irritating to fix sometimes. New episode tomorrow with the return of Accel Fridays! Tell your friends! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted May 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 17, 2013 Accel Friday is here! And six minutes early, too. [spoiler=Episode 5: Breaking Point] Episode 5: Breaking Point “Seishin kyota.” She heard the words clearly as they came out of his mouth; the threat in its entirety. But for some reason, the reality of it didn’t set in until he’d already fired. Whirling towards her faster than a speeding bullet, the compressed-energy arrow showed no remorse for anyone or anything as it tore through the air. Damien and Alistair watched from the sidelines, torn on whether or not to intervene. But a stern look from Calle suggested they remain in place, and so they did. “Unless you’re looking to cut your life short, I’d move out of the way,” Calle chimed in. She glanced towards him in disgust. He wasn’t going to do anything to stop this? Good; she didn’t need his help. She’d just knock that smirk right off Skylar’s face. “That thing will slice through you like a hot knife to butter.” I don’t need your damn he...She stopped in her tracks, coming to the conclusion that she couldn’t move. Her body was frozen, like her feet had become part of the soil, the tightest of roots that couldn’t be ripped out of the ground even by the strongest of warriors. She had to move. She had to. Over and over again in her head she repeated it, but her body wouldn’t comply. She was afraid. Just as the arrow reached her, she drew up the strength to leap to the side, kicking off the soil and releasing a cloud of dirt into the air. But her timing was off, and the arrow still caught her leg, slicing through the skin pretty hard. She’d only narrowly dodged a fatal injury. The files did say she had a poor sense of combat, didn’t they? Tres asked. Calle nodded in agreement. “They did. Although I’m not sure they elaborated on how poor this really is. She’s an inferno when it comes to dueling, but she almost got herself killed right there.” He had no intention of jumping in; that was a simply executed attack and it was obvious Skylar wasn’t intending to kill her with it. None of them could’ve guessed, however that she would freeze up on the most insignificant of defenses. The most average warriors could’ve dodged that attack without batting an eye. You mean to say that if he’d struck her with that attack; it would have killed her instantly? Tres said. She may have been fiery, but if she would’ve let herself die without even realizing the severity of the situation, she would be a major risk in any form of serious combat. “Maybe not killed her outright,” Calle replied. “But a near-fatal injury would’ve been very likely. Take a look at her now,” he said, glancing towards the girl as she crouched on one knee, grasping her leg and trying to subdue the blood flow. “I can tell just by looking in Skylar’s eyes that he had no intention of killing her right there. He just wanted to scare her, get her to back away. Make no mistake about it, she’s going to fight back, and we’re going to have a battle on our hands.” And this is part of your examination? He shook his head. “No, but it might be just what we need. If Beatrice wants to see their powers on display, this is the best scenario in which to do it. A miniscule fight might allow them to draw out their Rakurai levels and get a better reading on things. Plus, it might ease some tension.” Still, something about it gave him an uneasy feeling. As long as they could keep their powers under control, there would be no need to worry. But if Andrea had another moment like that one before, this whole fight could be a death-trap. He’d have to stand by in the case an intervention was necessary. Wh—why did it take so long for my body to react just now? She was shaken, still holding her right leg and applying as much pressure as possible to get the bleeding to stop. I saw the attack coming, I heard him call out the name and everything, and yet I just couldn’t move. No one had to tell her that her life flashed before her eyes right there. If she had even grabbed the sword, had been just that one inch closer to it and reacted in the same fashion, she would’ve been killed. You think I’m weak, don’t you, you bastard? Damien and Alistair stood by on the sidelines, watching, but neither one of them going so far as to actually make eye contact with one another. In his mind, Alistair wondered whether or not Damien was torn seeing his sister in this condition, despite their rocky relationship. From the start, he’d gained a dislike for Skylar simply because of the way he carried himself, but it wasn’t like he could blame him for trying to stop her from grabbing the sword. None of them knew how to go about passing the examination, but she’d gone for it so quickly that he probably would have reacted in a similar manner if Skylar hadn’t done it first. Judging by the expression on Calle’s face, he had almost expected a fight to break out, like this was another way of testing them, without directly issuing them to fight one another. With Andrea’s extreme temper and Skylar’s extremely contradictory calm demeanor, they were like oil and fire. The puzzling aspect was how long it had taken Andrea to dodge that attack. It was fired at such a slow, controlled pace that she should’ve been able to not only dodge it, but launch a counterattack in that amount of time. Instead she just...stood there. Finally, he turned to Damien. “Well, it looks like this is gonna go down, mate. You think she might need our help out there?” “Andrea...” Damien replied, staring off into the distance. They couldn’t do a thing. Even if he tried to get involved and stop the fight, she’d just resent him more for it. This wasn’t his battle. “No, I think it’s best we let this play out on its own. Might be best if we get out of the crossfire, though.” He tried to fake a laugh, but inside he was torn. Moving to an area closer to Calle, the two leapt into the air and re-located on the other side of the battlefield, a safe distance away from the unavoidable clash. “You seem anxious,” Skylar called out. “I have no desire to fight you. All I’d like is for you to listen to reason and understand that I cannot allow you to simply grab the sword.” Her hand soaked in blood; Andrea brushed off her knee and stood, staring at the boy with an indistinguishable hatred in her eyes. “This isn’t about some stupid test,” she said. “It’s about the fact that you’re an arrogant bastard. You don’t want to fight me? Should’ve thought about that before you struck the first blow!” She kicked off the ground, flying straight towards him. Her speed was certainly remarkable, charging in a reckless fashion. With her right hand in a fist, she stuck him square in the face, sending him spiraling into a tree a few meters behind him. When she hit the ground again, landing on her feet, pain jolted through her body from the injury. Hm...she’s fast. Skylar noted, brushing the dirt off his jacket before standing back up. But so careless. Such an insignificant opponent. He wondered, was this what Calle wanted? For him to fight back? Or to show restraint and not fall to her level? She knocked him off his feet – remarkable! Tres exclaimed, showing excitement not commonplace for him. Her speed is off the charts! “Interesting,” Calle noted quietly. “I wonder why Skylar stood there and took that hit. I’m fairly certain he could’ve dodged it with no effort at all.” Alistair couldn’t help but be impressed either. “Looks like your sister can really pack a punch, eh? That must’ve made for a fun childhood.” He laughed. Damien didn’t share the same sentiment. He wanted to reply, but sort’ve veered off into thought again. “Yeah, I guess...” “Come on, fight me, don’t be a coward!” Andrea exclaimed, charging him a second time, fighting through the still-evident pain in her leg. She went for another right hook, but this time Skylar caught her fist, wrapping his entire palm around it with ease. “What the...” She said, trying to break free. It was just like when Calle grabbed her earlier, only this time Skylar had just gotten up from the first attack. “You think you’re strong because you blocked my attack, huh?! Try this on for size!” With her right hand still firmly in his grip, she swung with her left instead, but the boy just shifted hands, blocking her punch again and this time grabbing her by the wrist. “I don’t believe in putting my hands on a girl of any kind,” he said. “But you’re so reckless that I’m not even sure I’d call you that. I’m going to tell you one more time, I don’t want to fight you. But if you can’t collect yourself and calm down, then I will have no other choice.” Staring into her eyes, he slowly loosened his grip on her wrist. She appeared to simmer. “You’re a coward...a DAMN COWARD!” Her blood filled with rage, she went to strike him square in the face. She would never let him degrade her like that. No one would. “I’ve had enough of this.” His palms pressed outward, he thrust them into her stomach, releasing a controlled blast of energy at once. It took a second, but in a brief release the attack sent her flying about twenty feet or so. I can’t feel anything! It’s like a shockwave hit my whole body at once! Andrea gasped for air; the attack had knocked nearly all the wind out of her. She couldn’t even hit him. Skylar had enough. She brought it upon herself. At this point, it didn’t matter what Calle wanted. He would finish this fight. He shifted his fingers out, taking the proper stance. Andrea could barely stand. “1st Stage: Seishin kyota”. Aiming straight for her midsection, he charged an arrow. If she survived the attack, maybe it would knock her back to reality. “Release.” --- It took off; there was no turning back. “She’s gotta move or she’s gonna be...!” Alistair said, though he couldn’t bring himself to say the words. He could only imagine what was going through Damien’s head watching this unfold. All eyes were locked on the arrow when all of the sudden it was shot out of the air, literally dissipating in mid-air at three or four different points. What?! Skylar watched with awe, for a moment actually showing a sign of concern before quickly hiding it once again. The arrow, it just vanished! Andrea exclaimed, looking upwards as she tried to process her rapid thoughts. Was it him? She looked to Calle. No, it couldn’t have been. He didn’t move at all. Even when he blocked me the first time, once he’d caught my arm, I could tell his spiritual energy had been in motion, but here there was nothing. It’s like the attack just ran out of steam. “Hm...” Calle said. “Well, this is unexpected.” It looks like his words up to this point were just for show. In actuality, his body doesn’t have the physical wherewithal to utilize that attack more than once. It was like they had frozen in time. Skylar’s hands were shaking; he couldn’t come to grips with what had happened. The attack should have hit her; he’d timed it just as precisely if not more as the first one. But now it was like something was attacking the inside of his body, mind-numbing pains in his chest and abdomen. What’s...what’s going on? What the hell is this pain? “I wonder what’s goin’ on down there,” Alistair looked to Damien. “You reckon’ Calle got involved?” Damien shook his head. It was impossible. Since the battle had begun, his main focus had been on Calle’s movements, glancing back and forth between that and the battle, as well as measuring the change in his spirit energy to see if he would get involved and stop the fight. That was the only way to know if things were serious enough that any of them were in danger. “Not at all. It looks like Skylar simply ran out of power.” “Ran out of power?” Alistair asked. “You mean he’s used up all his Rakurai?” “I’m not sure of the specifics, but it’s something like that. He was able to use the attack twice before it completely fizzled out, but even then the second time he used it was mediocre at best. Sure, it cut her leg a little, but that was more because she didn’t have the timing window to move out of the way and react than it was his strength. The speed was reduced significantly.” “Alright then kids, that’s enough for today,” Calle said, stepping into the picture. “It seems as though you’ve both reached your limits.” He wouldn’t dare say it aloud, but this was extremely concerning. Beatrice was giving him two weeks to produce results, yet neither of them could last more than ten minutes in combat. Sure, Skylar could perform a 1st Stage Technique, but just barely. He still had plenty of Rakurai left in his body, but he didn’t have the knowledge or the physical conditioning to tap into it. The rest of them didn’t even have the control necessary to perform one. “Heh,” Skylar quipped. “You should consider yourself lucky. I guess it was just a fluke.” “A fluke?” Calle asked in the most questionable tone possible. Skylar scaled back. “Let’s not pretend. You and I both know exactly what happened here. Sure, you talked a big game and you might have produced the most steady results in the field scan, but the fact is you lack the capability to live up to the standards you set for yourself with words. You’re too inexperienced to control your powers; you may be the only one capable of performing a Stage Technique but you can only do so on an extremely limited basis.” “Inexperienced?” Skylar asked, outraged. “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” “Is that so?” Calle replied. “Fine, then prove me wrong. Right now, fire one of your arrows at me.” The young boy stared a hole in him. He wanted nothing more than to shoot an arrow straight through him, knock him down to size. But the truth of the matter was that he couldn’t; his hatred was made stronger on the basis that Calle was right. He could only use Seishin kyota on a limited basis. I know I had limits but, I didn’t expect them to come into play this soon. “It’s clear the four of you have a lot to learn,” he said. “But today was just the start. You’ll improve with more training.” His words appeared confident and collected, but that was on the outside. More training was possible, but it was time he was worried about. Only two weeks... --- Higher above them, on the slope of the mountain itself, they were being watched. The tall man had pulled back the hood of his black cloak, and eyed the facility below. From the looks of it, there was already some fighting going on down there, though the aura emanating from there was negligable. One of them was significantly stronger, overpowering and enveloping the other four, but this person wasn't taking part in the fight himself. Most likely, he was the one working for Beatrice, to watch over the children. His presence... complicated matters, but they were certainly not unprepared for such events. ”Everything has been arranged, my lord. We're ready to strike.” The man nodded. The creature at his side was a vaych, one of the many monsters from Erebos that the Four Star Siege had in their employ. While at first sight it might look like a human, pulling away its hood would reveal a beast's head. They were filthy creatures, the vaych, but for this purpose they were more than enough. Mildly gifted in both martial ability and Rakurai, they made the ideal footsoldier for their army. Among them were a select number of vaych Captains, outfitted with duel disks that reflected their barbaric ways. They had been assigned a simple duty – they were the ones who would defeat the children. Killing them, if possible, was to be avoided, so dueling them and simply training them of their energy was the least devastating choice. Of course, we won't be going on foot. They were almost a mile above the facility now, and it was a steep mountainside; had they walked, they wouldn't be there for several hours, at least. The man turned around, to look at his troops; two dozen vaych in total, and a laytr youngling for each of them to fly down on. The birds of Erebos grew large enough to carry several men, but these were barely out of the nest. They would carry him and his soldiers down to the facility, to take on Beatrice's disciples and burn her facility to the ground. His mission was far more important. The woman herself was somewhere in the building, and she was dangerous. She was his prize, his challenge to overcome. He would prove to the master that he was a force to be reckoned with, prove to Victor and Erica that he was more than they could ever become. You're ready for this, Terrance, he told himself. Show them the might of the Four Star Siege. With a sharp whistle, he awakened his own steed from its slumber. The aelithis was among the most glorious creatures in the realm, with a long, slender body that glistened in the sunlight. Eight pairs of translucent wings kept it in the air, and its snakelike body ended in a graceful head. On command, the beast would emit a beam of searing light from its mouth, hot enough to burn steel...and flesh. He jumped onto the saddle on its back, and the creature took wing. Beneath him, his soldiers did the same with their laytr, flying in formation behind him. ”Our enemies have evaded us for far too long. The woman and her disciples have fled here, into this backwater corner of their world. They should have known that there would come a day when they could flee no longer! This is that day, vaych! The day of their reckoning! The day of their judgment! Strike down upon them, and drive fear into their hearts! Leave no man or woman standing! Let the flames devour them all, and cast them into the darkness of the world beyond! Dive! Dive! Dive!” To be continued...[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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