Yu-Gi-Oh! End of Days [CH5: The Star Nexus Tournament Begins!]

[Saiba Aisu]

Yu-Gi-Oh! End of Days

===

[spoiler=Prologue]===PROLOGUE: The Eyes of the Enemy / プロローグ: 敵の目===

This story begins long ago, when the world and the gods who fashioned it were still young. At that time, a mysterious alignment of stars shifted the balance between the dimensions of heaven, hell, and earth. As the natural order changed, a strange and chaotic power flowed over the world, wreaking havoc and ruin. Responding to this crisis were the Champions of the Gods—six chosen warriors, each fighting alongside their faithful companions, the Sacred Dragons.

Although both sides fought fiercely, neither was able to secure a conclusive victory. Unable to destroy the darkness completely, the Champions decided instead to seal it away in the void between the worlds; ultimately, however, this endeavor proved to be too much. Utterly drained of power from their cataclysmic battle, the Six Dragons began to fade until they existed within the physical world as little more than pure spirit. Although the Champions remained vigilant and the barrier held firm for many years, they knew all too well that one day that same evil would be unleashed upon the world once more. In order to safeguard the future of humanity, each of the Champions bound a fragment of his dragon's spirit to the moral world, sealing it inside a stone column deep within the Temple of Light. Then, alongside their companions, they departed for the next life.

These six pillars—known to some as the Memorial of the Sacred Dragons—managed to escape the ravages of time, even as the world around them changed. Eventually, the Six Dragons were discovered by and adapted by mythological researchers from Industrial Illusions into the game of Duel Monsters. Although they were no longer known by their true names and much of their history had been forgotten, the spirit fragments of the Six Dragons endured, awaiting the day when they would once battle the forces of the Shadow alongside the Champions of the Gods.

As the millennial of that fateful battle approaches, the barriers holding the darkness in place weaken with each passing day. Meanwhile, the Six Stars, servants of the Great Darkness, begin to move slowly back into their sinister constellations, even as their followers among the world of men prepare for their return. The Enemy waits hungrily for another chance to break free and spell the ruin of the world. Vain, envious, and sly, the passing of a thousand years is but a blink to the eyes of the enemy.

===

"The barriers are weakening."

The voice, deep and blunt, belonged to a tall man, shrouded in a heavy black trench coat with a matching hat and boots. He was pale, with golden-gray hair, stormy gray eyes and an unlined but ageless face.

"Don't go too far," he said sharply, his words drifting through the gloom.

"I won't," came the reply—a melodic voice that suggested its owner was female.

Slowly the room swam into focus, illuminated faintly by a golden light that flickered like a dying fire. It was circular with a high ceiling that was barely visible and carved from dusky stone, its walls lined with faded carvings in a strange language. At six different points throughout the room, narrow openings could be observed, twisting and winding away into the darkness. Dust trickled slowly from above and drifted upon the air, but there was no other movement, save for its two inhabitants.

"The barriers are weakening," the man growled again after a moment. "Goddamnit, stay put, will you? The last thing we need is for you to get lost."

His words were directed towards the other side of the room, where a slender figure was drifting along the walls, garbed in a deep purple-black robe that concealed everything but her upper face. She turned and regarded her companion for a moment, her dark eyes filled with a mixture of amusement and exasperation.

"We knew that already," she reminded him playfully, apparently unconcerned by his foul temper. "But you wanted to come here anyways, to see if we could discover something else…"

Her lower veil shifted slightly, as if she were smiling faintly beneath the fabric.

"Why don't you stick to your investigation while I do the same?" she continued, turning back towards the walls eagerly. "It won't take long."

"Suit yourself," the man replied shortly, crossing his arms with an air of impatience. "Just keep in mind that the longer we stay here, the more unlikely it is that we'll be able to return."

"You worry too much," the woman replied absentmindedly, leaning in to study one of the carvings more closely. "It might take us a bit longer to get out, but we'll be fine. I trust you completely."

The man grunted in reply, clearly not mollified by her reassuring words. He watched as the woman extended one hand and placed it upon the wall, her slim fingers splayed across its jagged surface.

"Can you see anything?" he said after a few minutes, stepping aside to avoid a sudden trickle of dust.

"Not as much as I'd like to," the woman replied slowly in disappointment, stepping back from the carving. She shook her head as if trying to dispel unbidden memories from her mind.

"It's as I suspected," she continued, turning back towards her companion. "All six of them endure, but I can't confirm their exact location. It would appear that three of them have already found their partner… Two more are pure and unsullied, but held in place by powerful magic."

She paused and for the first time, a look of doubt blossomed in her eyes.

"And the last?" the man asked sharply.

"I cannot see it at all," she sighed. "Only a veil of blackness—no matter how hard I try, I can't pierce it. I fear the worst."

"Then it has fallen into the hands of the enemy," he said after a moment, his gray eyes hardening at the thought. "We'll have to move quickly if we're to prevent the same from happening to the others."

He turned on his heel and strode towards the closest opening, pausing upon its pitch-black threshold.

"Are you coming?" he growled, clearly impatient to be on his way.

"This place has slumbered for so long," the woman said softly to herself, her eyes sweeping the room as if seeing past its faded interior towards something that lay beyond. "Yet a slow blood still pulses through its veins as it dreams, remembering the past and looking towards the future…"

"Come on, Methys," he interrupted, halting her murmured reverie. "If we don't hurry, there won't be a future for any of us, remember?"

Methys nodded her assent and crossed the room with quick, flowing steps. She took the man's hand and took a deep breath, as if preparing to dive underwater.

Then she stepped forward, leading him into the twisting confines of the passage. Within moments, the darkness had swallowed them both.[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter One]===CHAPTER ONE: Welcome to Neo Duel Academy! /ターン １： ネオ・デュエル・アカデミーへようこそ！===

A gentle breeze wound it ways invisibly through clear blue skies, a handful of golden and scarlet leaves trailing in its wake. The wind blew towards the tall shining structures of Neo Domino City, a glittering metropolis of lights that seemed to extend endlessly in all directions, carrying with it the fading heat of summer and the crisp scent of autumn. The wind seemed to lag slightly as it reached the southern edge of the massive city, where the silver-gray of the land gradually met the wide curve of the deep blue sea.

This portion of the city seemed much more pleasant and remote: within an elaborated black-gated compound, several large buildings and uninterrupted stretches of emerald grass could be observed, as well as wide avenues lined with trees. With a last sigh, the wind dissipated, abandoning the leaves to the forces of gravity once more. They whirled downwards in a scattered frenzy of color until one of them alighted upon the nose of a dark-haired young man lying spread-eagled on the grass. Daisuke Kuwabara blinked at the sensation and sat up in surprise; as the leaf tumbled towards the ground, he caught with a swift movement, gazing at it intently.

To most others, the leaf would have been an object of passing curiosity, something to be glanced at briefly and then discarded. But no detail of its delicate veined structure was wasted on Daisuke, nor did any subtle change in its coloration fail to catch his eye. After a moment of additional scrutiny, he stored the leaf in his pocket for safekeeping and gazed back up at the sky, closing his eyes and enjoying the sun's warmth. A few seconds later, a loud but not unpleasant ringing sound echoed across the campus, similar to a bell. Moments later, the growing rumble and murmur of the students could be heard as they began to emerge from the surrounding buildings.

Getting to his feet slowly, Daisuke raised his arms in a stretch, his features splitting into a ferocious yawn. Despite his evident youth, he was a well-built individual with bright eyes and dark brown hair, scattered with golden highlights. He turned and walked leisurely in the direction of the Dining Hall, a large and avant-garde structure made entirely of steel and glass. As he walked, Daisuke dusted himself off absentmindedly. Although his clothing consisted of a simple hooded sweatshirt worn over a black v-neck shirt, jeans, and worn sneakers, he wore his garments comfortably, like a second skin.

Ahead of him, the wide doors of the Dining Hall were already crowded with students attempting to make their way inside, eager to eat lunch after a morning of difficult classes. They appeared to be from several different backgrounds and disciplines: skin of all colors mingled freely within the throng. While some students appeared to favor uniforms, others—like Daisuke—did without.

Although they appeared to be nothing more than an average group of adolescents, Daisuke wasn't fooled. He knew all too well that each of these students, from the most talented Raviel Blue to the lowliest Uria Red, would make for a deadly opponent at Duel Monsters. After all, Neo Duel Academy accepted nothing less than the most promising young Duelists as students. As he stepped into the shade of the building, he felt a brief spur of elation—as always, the presence of so many skillful players excited him more than anything else.

As the students surged into the elegant three-story cafeteria, Daisuke could see that many of them appeared to be engaged in more than just casual conversation. Heading in the direction of his usual table, he spotted several groups of students standing together, speaking to one another in an animated fashion punctuated with emphatic gestures.

I wonder what the fuss is about, Daisuke wondered, sliding into his seat, his eyes flashing across the dozens of digital screens that were generated upon the walls, each advertising the different types of food available. He grimaced slightly as his stomach rumbled.

"You're early, Daisuke," came an amused voice from behind him. "That's so unlike you, don't tell me you're finally changing your ways!"

Daisuke turned in his seat and smiled at the sight of Leon Dreidt, who flashed him a friendly grin and handed him one of the two trays he was carrying, piled high with a delicious assortment of chicken, rice, and vegetables.

"You're a lifesaver, Leon," he replied, accepting the tray gratefully as he eyed the long lines of students that had already formed. He clapped his hands together, raised his chopsticks, and then began to eat with gusto while Leon sat down next to him, preferring to attack his food with a fork and knife.

Unlike Daisuke, whose features were predominantly Asian, Leon had pale skin and a shock of dark hair above a pair of greenish-blue eyes. He was almost a full head taller than Daisuke, if not built as solidly. Yet while the two boys had almost nothing in common in terms of appearance, they had inseparable since last year, when they had both started at Neo Duel Academy. The fact that they were both Uria Red students and shared several classes had only served to deepen their friendship.

"So where were you for second period today?" Leon asked, swallowing a generous amount of soda as another group of Uria students filled the remaining seats at the table. "Professor Elrondale was covering Speed Spells in the context of unusual situations… I'm not gonna lie, it was a pretty intense lecture, but dead useful. She almost had an aneurysm when she called attendance and you didn't show up."

Daisuke wiped his mouth and laughed dryly at the thought—despite the fact that she was young and extremely pretty, Professor Elrondale was very strict and had little patience for slackers.

"I dunno, Leon," he replied honestly, "just staring at the sky and taking some time on my own… I didn't feel like I could deal with another class after an hour and a half of taking notes on the History of Duel Monsters."

Leon gave a sympathetic groan at the mention of their least-favorite subject and bit into his sandwich.

"I'm serious about the game and learning how to improve," Daisuke continued, "but sometimes I wish it didn't involve learning such useless stuff… I understand that Yugi Mutou, Judai Yuki, and Yusei Fudo were some of the greatest Duelists the world has ever seen… I just don't see how that affects us, though."

His friend nodded and swallowed. "I know what you mean," he agreed. "I don't really understand the point of that class—I'd much rather work on becoming the next King of Games than learning about past ones, you know?"

At that moment, a musical bell sounded from the unseen speakers of the Dining Hall, putting a temporary halt to their conversation. The many digital screens on the walls were simultaneously wiped blank; a moment later, the image of a woman appeared. She was attractive, perhaps in her early thirties, with long silky black hair arranged in a simple but elegant knotted hairstyle and liquid dark eyes. Several of the students instinctively sat up as they recognized Headmistress Shirayuri, the Principal of the Academy.

"Good afternoon, students," she began in a low and pleasant voice. "I apologize for interrupting your lunch hour, but the staff and I have an important announcement to make. We would like to inform you that the results of the Homecoming Examination are now available. Accordingly, the names of the eight students who obtained the highest scores within the Academy will now be displayed. As always, these students are expected to represent the school at the Star Nexus Tournament, the first round of which will take place this weekend."

At these words, an excited murmur enveloped the room as the students broke out into conversation once more—obviously, they had been awaiting this development eagerly all morning.

"I wonder who will represent the academy this year?" Daisuke wondered idly, helping himself to another piece of chicken.

"Isn't it obvious?" Leon scowled, while Headmistress Shirayuri elaborated upon the qualities of sportsmanship and fair play that were expected of the participants. "It'll probably be a bunch of Raviel Blues like last time, with a handful of Hamon Yellows tossed in here and there." He drummed his fingers angrily on the table as he glared at the screens, his scowl widening.

Daisuke sighed, wishing his friend weren't quite so competitive at times. Despite the fact that he was an excellent Duelist, Leon wasn't the best at taking tests in the Academy; for this reason, he had been placed in Uria Red with Daisuke. Unfortunately, test-taking was a quality that was prized at the academy, as indicated by the fact that comprehensive exam scores, rather than actual matches, were the method used to determine the tournament participants.

"This whole concept of dividing students into different dorms is stupid," Leon growled, not for the first time. "Who cares if you know the boring specifics of a card as long as you can win the Duel? If it were up to me—"

At that moment, Leon's one-sided tirade was brought to an abrupt halt as Headmistress Shirayuri's image wavered and disappeared. A moment later it was replaced by a simple chart, displaying the name and dormitory of the student, ranked in order according to the score they had obtained on the exam. To the left of each row, a small square depicted an image of the corresponding student.

Suddenly Leon's hand closed like a vise upon Daisuke's shoulder as he shook him back and forth. "Look at that!" he howled, pointing wildly with his other hand at the screen, near the bottom of the list. Daisuke blinked—it took him a moment to recognize his own face displayed next to the number 7, while Leon was listed below him as the eight participant.

STAR NEXUS PARTICIPANTS

1. Alexander Frost (Raviel Blue)
2. Adrienne Guadiacco (Raviel Blue)
3. Raphael Manganelli (Raviel Blue)
4. Hayden Omirou (Hamon Yellow)
5. Vera Leigh (Hamon Yellow)
6. Caroline Lace (Uria Red)
7. Daisuke Kuwabara (Uria Red)
8. Leon Dreidt (Uria Red)

Leon took another gulp of his fizzing beverage to steady himself before glancing over at his friend. Throughout the cafeteria, the remaining students were staring at them unabashedly.

"Well," Daisuke said, patting him on the back and grinning, "it looks like this year is going to be a lot more interesting than I thought."

===

AUTHOR'S Notes:

And there you have it, the first chapter of many! It may not have been too long or action-packed, but it's meant to serve as an introductory piece to help give you a sense of the atmosphere at Neo Duel Academy. The next chapter will serve to broaden the environment, introducing many important characters and providing further insight into the complex hierarchy of the student body.

===

GLOSSARY:

Neo Domino City: A major city located along Japan's eastern coast, not far from Tokyo, renowned for its advanced technology. Although the city is home to elaborate shopping, historical, and entertainment districts, it also has a high crime rate in some areas. Neo Duel Academy is situated just past its southern outskirts, near the sea.

Neo Duel Academy: A state-of-the-art, highly selective facility that only accepts the most promising young Duelists as students, seeking to prepare them for a career in the Professional League. The school features a variety of courses intended to dissect the art of the game into more manageable portions, ranging from Advanced Game Mechanics to the History of Duel Monsters. It is managed by Keiko Shirayuri, a former Dueling prodigy who holds the title of Headmistress.

Star Nexus Tournament: A high profile televised event held near the beginning of the fall semester, the tournament pits current students of Neo Duel Academy against each other and a variety of opponents from the Professional League. In some cases, these players are former alumni, leading some to refer to it as the "Homecoming Duel Tournament." Often, the students who participate are entirely from the Raviel Blue Dorm, as they tend to score the highest on the standardized exam used to select participants.

Raviel Blue: An elite dormitory which draws its name from the legendary card, "Raviel, Lord of Phantasms," composed of the most talented and accomplished students of Neo Duel Academy. Students from this dormitory wear uniforms colored blue and white and enjoy much more luxurious housing options than their peers. They also display an unfortunate predisposition towards geocentricism and bullying.

Hamon Yellow: The intermediate dormitory whose colors are gold and white, named after the famous card, "Hamon Lord of Striking Thunder." Students from this dormitory tend to be the most diverse and are known for their dedication to study and research. It is assumed that a few will eventually ascend to the ranks of Raviel Blue, provided that they work hard enough. Hamon Yellow students are provided with decent housing options.

Uria Red: The lowest level dormitory at Neo Duel Academy, it is also the largest and least selective. Drawing its name from "Uria, Lord of Searing Flames," the dorm is composed of students who possess less mastery of the game than their peers. Generally speaking, students from this dormitory tend to score poorly on exams and are viewed as slackers. They are forced to manage with the least glamorous housing available on campus.

===

CHARACTER Profiles:

Whenever an important character(s) is introduced in the story, I will post a short profile of him in this section. I will also update older profiles periodically as new details are revealed, so keep an eye out for this section.

Daisuke Kuwabara
Age: 16
Hair Color: Dark brown, with a few golden highlights
Hairstyle: Bangs fall over the face, spikes out in the back
Eye Color: Brown with amber flecks
Height: 5"9
Weight: 165 lbs.
Favorite/Signature Card: Unknown
Deck: Cyber Hero Deck
Personality: Daisuke is a bit of a dreamer and tends to be generally optimistic. Friendly, he nevertheless takes Dueling very seriously. Despite his deceiving dreaminess and tendency to play truant, he's a born leader with an excellent sense of right and wrong.
Likes: Challenges from strong opponents, taking naps.
Dislikes: Dishonesty, boredom.

Leon Dreidt
Age: 16
Hair Color: Black
Hairstyle: Mid-length, styled upwards and worn in spikes
Eye Color: Blueish-green
Height: 6"0
Weight: 155 lbs.
Favorite/Signature Card: Unknown
Deck: Unknown
Personality: The youngest of four siblings, Leon is always out to garner the attention of others. He is naturally competitive, especially when it comes to romance and Dueling. Although he dislikes compromise, he is nevertheless a dependable and loyal friend.
Likes: Trance music, chasing pretty girls.
Dislikes: Being ignored, pop quizzes.[/spoiler]

 

Chapter Two

 

Chapter Three

 

Chapter Four

 

Chapter Five

[Umbra]

My oh my, this was a refreshing sight to see. Writing like this doesn't come along often here, as you most likely remember.

 

The premise does feel a bit generic - sort of a mashup between GX and 5D's - but the story itself shows enough promise and demonstrates enough talent that I still have faith in it. The story does start out a bit slow, but that is only to be expected, to give you some time to build the world. As a fellow writer, I can appreciate that. As is the case with YGO fanfiction, I suspect the story won't really kick off until the tournament, when the ancient evil resurfaces and our characters have to find out that they're the reincarnations of these ancient heroes from the prologue. It is a common concept, but I'm sure you'll provide a good read.

 

The characters feel familiar, and there's something about them that makes me feel at home, like running into an old friend you haven't seen in a while. Recently going to college myself, I can sympathize with the boring, dragged-out lectures that simply do not feel relevant or interesting at all, so you've definitely captured that aspect. The writing flows naturally and the characters interact as you'd expect with each other; nothing cringeworthy or even out of the ordinary so far, which is a welcome change to some of the other fiction I've read here recently.

 

I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this one. Good to have you back.

[Saiba Aisu]

Thanks Umbra, I'm glad you liked it! It's great to be back and I'm very excited to get back into the creative writing process—I have high hopes for this story (and many many ideas) so I hope you'll stick around. I was just drafting some chapters, and I think my ability to portray emotional scenes has improved a lot, as well as develop unique and interesting characters. In particular, I think my skill at portraying the "generic" main hero has improved a lot. I'm confident that Daisuke is blossoming more and more into a well developed character.

 

As always, your comments and analysis are right on the money. The premise of this first chapter is definitely generic and draws heavily from Yugioh GX and 5D's, especially in regards to the early story and environment. I'm really hoping to take the story in my own direction as soon as possible and introduce some of the epic developments I've cooked up, but these things take time, I guess.

 

I'm not entirely surprised that the characters feel familiar in some ways. Honestly, this story is the epic Yugioh saga I've been dreaming up in my mind (and writing in bits and pieces) here and there for quite some time. So don't be surprised if you see some cards, plot twists, or even characters recycled from some of my previous works that you've seen before. Having said that, I'll do my best to keep things fresh and new.

 

Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it ♡

[Ren✧]

Well Aisu, after participating in one of your RPs, I am not surprised to find that you are a fantastic writer! Really loved the story. As Umbra said, it has a fairly generic premise, but definitely has room to grow into something unique and exciting if fostered correctly, which I am sure you will do. The characters seem to be excellently portrayed and introduced, nothing seemed forced or unnaturally, which I find happens a lot in the first few chapters of a fic. 

 

There wasn't much action, but nonetheless I found myself enjoying it just as much, and possibly more than I would a chapter filled with an intense duel. You balance the aspects of writing perfectly, capturing a reading without the use of powerful action. Even without the generic 'hook' that is used I find myself desperately wanting you to write more and more of this. 

 

The setting of the story is to be expected, seeing as it is based off of a Duel Academy. I do like how you are using the Sacred Beasts instead of the Egyptian Gods, an idea I had mulled over once or twice. I am interested in this tournament. Is it just between the students of Neo Duel Academy, or others as well. I believe it was mentioned in the chapter, but I couldn't tell if there were other schools involved or not.

 

All in all, great chapter. Calm. Natural. And flowing. Can't wait to see more :D

[bury the year]

Watch this post. Didn't forget about this. :'3

[a bad post]

Aisu! I haven't seen you since that Sucker Punch RP, great to see you back.

 

As for the chapter, I can honestly say I don't have anything I dislike about it. I love the way your writing flows well, and you have a great balance of imagery, not to little were I don't know what's going on, but not to much were it drags on like 1984. I also liked how you've portrayed the everyday lives of these kids without being mundane and generic, albiet being a little slow. 

 

Anyways predictions:

 

Alexander Frost: The Zane character. He's a bad@$$ and he knows it, but isn't going to shove it in your face, and flaunted around. He's calm cool and collected, and he'll probably beat the main character more than a few times.

 

Adrienne Guadiacco: The Alexis character. She's calm, and a great duelist. She'll probably fall in love with main character, other than that I don't know what to expect from her. 

 

Anthony Manganelli: The Chazz character. He's an arrogant jerk, and is going to his @$$ whupped by the main character more than once, before eventually becoming friends with him.

 

 Hayden Omirou: The Bastion character. He's cool, collected and smart. He'll probably make a fool out of one or two characters more than once. 

 

 Vera Leigh: I honestly don't know, there wasn't a female Yellow in the GX series. 

 

 Caroline Lace: The Blair character. She's a fiesty one, and will fall in love with the main character.

 

 Daisuke Kuwabara: The Jaden obviously, and I can see some comparisons between the two, but also some pleasant differences as well. 
 

 Leon Dreidt: This leaves him to be the Syrus, but I don't see them matching up.

 

This was just a generic prediction chart to draw parallels, but I'd love to be proved wrong. 

[Saiba Aisu]

[spoiler=Chapter Two]===CHAPTER TWO: Outrageous Result! An Unexpected Challenge!! /ターン ２： とんでもない結果！突然の挑戦！===

A low buzz filled the dining hall as the students of Neo Duel Academy conversed eagerly, shooting furtive glances here and there. Clearly, the revelation of the Homecoming Duel Participants had come as a surprise.

Up on the third floor reserved exclusively for Raviel Blue, the atmosphere was much more muted as the students lounged about, strewn across the expensive furniture.

At the largest of the glass tables, two students were sitting across from each other—a young man and woman. The man was slender, alabaster-skinned and dark-haired, with bangs that fell in artful layers past his brows. His face had a chiseled and angular beauty like that of a sculpture, with high cheekbones and cold green eyes.

In contrast to her companion, the woman's beauty was of the perfect Grecian type, with softly tanned skin, large dark eyes, long black hair and coral lips. Both the man and woman were dressed in the white and blue garb of Raviel Blue, although their outfits seemed slightly different, incorporating darker more striking tones.

"They've certainly changed things this year," Alexander mused in a cold tone, his gaze focused on the screens displaying the information for the Star Nexus Tournament. "What do you make of it, Adrienne?"

His remarks were directed at the young woman, who was toying with a stylish bracelet at her wrist, fashioned to resemble a serpent. At his words, she tossed her inky blue-black hair dismissively.

"I can't see why they would bother including students from Hamon Yellow and Uria Red," she replied, her tones slightly clipped with a creamy, exotic accent. "They can't hope to compete with us."

"That's true," Alexander agreed, shifting slightly as he looked down at the students moving across the cafeteria's first flow. In particular, his gaze was drawn to one corner, where two Uria Red students were practically pumping the air in elation.

Daisuke Kuwabara and Leon Dreidt, he thought to himself, identifying the pair with another glance at the screen.

"Still," he continued aloud, placing his glass upon the table and sitting back, "it can't hurt to do some research, right?"

Adrienne's features assumed a lazy and disdainful smile as she joined her companion in his observation of the other Duelists.

"Right."

===

"Look! Can you see them?"

"Where—?"

The students' whispers seemed unnaturally loud and almost sibilant as Hayden passed them, adjusting his glasses with one hand while the other tightened around his textbooks. For the first time in a while he felt painfully self-conscious, all too aware of the gold-streaked uniform that marked him as an intermediate level Duelist. With a massive effort, he managed to control the impulse to look behind him, where another Hamon Yellow student was trailing him absentmindedly, lost in a world of her own.

Despite the fact that Hamon Yellow was often associated with research and deep study, Vera Leigh certainly didn't look the type. She was tall with well-toned legs and dressed for adventure: a partially unbuttoned white blouse and tank top, black shorts and combat boots. Her dark green hair, styled short and spiky in the back with two long tresses in the front, only added to her eccentric appearance.

"That's Vera Leigh, right? The Queen Bee?"

"She doesn't look like much, I bet Adrienne could wreck her—"

Hayden resisted the urge to roll his eyes and employ his usual sarcasm as more students rushed by, regarding the two Hamon Yellows with poorly concealed curiosity. He came to a halt in front of his locker and began to enter the combination.

She probably hasn't even noticed that people are gossiping, he thought to himself, sighing slightly. Of all the other students chosen to represent their dormitory, it had to have been Vera Leigh. There was no doubting the girl's brilliance, he admitted grudgingly, recalling the precociousness she demonstrated consistently in class, but still…

I just wish she weren't so out of it, he concluded, watching as she passed to one side, humming a pleasant tune to herself. He waited for a moment to make sure she was gone before closing his locker slowly.

It was clear that the social order of Neo Duel Academy had been disrupted by this morning's developments. For the first time in years, more than one Hamon Yellow student had placed into the Star Nexus Tournament. More importantly, three members of Uria Red had been selected—it was almost unheard of.

A wise man knows his enemy, Hayden recited to himself, his blue-gray eyes serious behind his glasses as he ran a hand through his short brown hair.

It was time for a little trip to the Academy Library.

===

"They certainly seem excited, don't they?" Headmistress Shirayuri murmured, crossing her legs with a smooth movement as she regarded the students through the elaborate display of digital screens that comprised the school's security system.

She was reclining in a plush swiveling chair with armrests at the center of her office, a modern yet tastefully decorated room furnished with several objects of traditional Japanese culture. Delicately painted fans and sheets of calligraphy graced the walls, representing the characters for Strength, Prosperity, and Love. In one corner of the room, an exquisite katana lay mounted upon the wall, its blade shining with a brilliant sheen.

"Don't be silly, Keiko," a man's voice replied, issuing from one of the conference screens floating in front of her. "If the children are excited, it's only because they don't know any better. You and I know both know that this tournament won't take place without incident. It's almost certain that the enemy will be there—for whatever reason, this event is important to them."

Keiko nodded, her features softening slightly as she returned her gaze to the students, watching as they traipsed through the school grounds. "That's true," she whispered softly, an unidentifiable emotion shining in her eyes. Was it concern? Excitement? It was impossible to say.

"They're so young," she breathed at last, turning back to the conference screen, which remained completely blank.

"It always seems that way," he replied dismissively, his voice slightly distorted over the speakers. "I'm going now, we'll be in touch."

There was a brief burst of static as the call ended and the conference window disappeared, leaving the room in complete silence.

===

The Student Commons was packed with movement and sound as the students milled about, drifting across the spacious outdoor complex. Vending machines lined the walls and pop music sounded through the air, punctuated by bursts of laughter as everyone attempted to unwind after a long day of classes. Whether you wanted to socialize, practice Duel Monsters, or enjoy some snacks, the Student Commons was the perfect place for relaxation.

Daisuke's grin spread wider as he entered the complex with Leon at his side, eying the practice fields that surrounded the area, observing the matches that were already in progress. As always, he was excited by the opportunity to play against a strong opponent.

"I still can't believe it, dude," Leon said, squeezing Daisuke's shoulder playfully. "We're going to play in the Star Nexus Tournament. Holy sh—"

"You there!"

Daisuke and Leon turned to see a young man, leading a small crowd of students in their direction. He was tall with feathery brown hair, olive-colored eyes, and a indignant expression. The afternoon sun shone on the golden stripes on his uniform that marked him as a member of Hamon Yellow. He came to a halt in front of them and crossed his arms.

"What's up?" Daisuke said, greeting the newcomer with a friendly nod. "Did you need something?"

"I'll say," the boy agreed, his frown deepening at Daisuke's words. He gestured at the handful of students behind him, most of them from Hamon Yellow, although there were a few Raviel Blues as well. "We were just curious, you see," he continued, sarcasm dripping from his words, "as to how a good-for-nothing pair like you managed your latest triumph."

Leon bristled at the newcomer's words but held his tongue as Daisuke placed a steadying hand on his shoulder.

"I'm not sure if I like your tone," Daisuke replied in a remarkably calm voice, although his brown eyes were serious. "If you're talking about the tournament, then I guess we accomplished it the same way as the others. Hard work and maybe some luck…"

"You can say that again," the boy interrupted. "It's a fluke. Personally, I'm not convinced that you're good enough. None of us are. It's outrageous."

"Who does this punk think he is?" Leon demanded loudly, striding forward next to Daisuke. Across the Student Commons, heads were turning in their direction as the confrontation developed.

"My name is Valerian," the boy answered. "Make sure you remember it, so you can tell the rest of your pathetic dorm who defeated both of you."

"Then I assume you're challenging me to a Duel?" Daisuke replied mildly, unruffled by Valerian's rudeness. "If that's the case, then I'll accept your challenge—and I won't hold back!"

There was a low murmur of excitement across the Student Commons as the two boys withdrew their Duel Disks and activated them, the myriad of rainbow colors bursting into life. The crowd stepped back to give the two Duelists some room, forming a dense circle around the field of battle.

"I'm going to show the world how pathetic slackers like you really are," Valerian smirked, "once and for all."

"Don't count on it," Daisuke replied breezily, a cool smile playing across his lips as he sized up his opponent. "And don't think I'll let you off the hook for insulting Uria Red so easily!"

"DUEL!" they yelled together, their Life Points rising to 4000 with a mechanized beeping.

===DUEL: Daisuke vs. Valerian / デュエル：大輔 VS バレリアン===

"It's my move," Valerian said, drawing his sixth card. "I summon Deep Sea Unicorn in Attack Mode!"

Holographic bubbles blossomed upon the field, heralding the appearance of a dazzling aquatic creature composed of a horse's upper body mounted upon a scaled fishlike tail. The creature tossed its horned head with a wild cry, its finned tail slamming against the ground. Its scores stood at 1800 ATK and 1400 DEF, making it a solid monster to start with.

There was an appreciative round of applause from the surrounding students, but Daisuke merely smiled at the sight of the monster.

After all, he told himself, it's just a fish out of water.

"I'll activate Deep Sea Unicorn's ability. Once per turn, by sending a Water monster from my Deck to the Grave, I can look at the top card of my Deck. If it's a Normal Spell Card, I can add it to my hand—if not, it goes to the bottom of my Deck."

Valerian selected a single card and slid it into the Graveyard slot, then lifted the top card of his Deck.

"Lucky me," he smirked, flipping the card over so Daisuke could confirm its appearance. "I've drawn the Normal Spell Card, Mermaid Soul. But before I use it, I'll activate the effect of Drowned Ghoul. Whenever it's sent from the Deck to the Graveyard, I can draw one card."

Daisuke watched closely as Valerian added another card to his hand, bringing the total to seven. Regardless of his tactics, he certainly wasn't wasting any time.

"Normally I would have to return two Water monsters from my Graveyard to the Deck in order to use Mermaid Soul… but by tributing Deep Sea Unicorn, I can activate its effect without paying the activation cost."

There was another burst of bubbles as Deep Sea Unicorn vanished, leaving Valerian's field empty once more.

"Mermaid Soul lets me Special Summon a Level 4 or lower Water monster from my hand—I'll choose Mouse of Deep Water, in Defense Mode!"

A fast-paced chattering could be heard as plump rodent appeared inside a floating bubble, garbed in seashell charms that glinted against its sand-colored fur. It was much weaker than Valerian's previous monster, with only 400 ATK and DEF points apiece.

"I'll set two cards face-down. And then I'll activate the Field Spell, Sunken Temple of the Ancients!"

A grim smile appeared on Valerian's face as several jagged stone columns materialized upon the field, arranged in a circle. Streams of bubbles drifted upwards and out of sight into the inky black water, while an angry red glow pulsed steadily from the submerged volcano at the center of the complex.

"You're in deep water now!" Valerian taunted, clearly pleased by the change in scenery. In its bubble, the Mouse of Deep Water squeaked excitedly and wriggled with anticipation.

"During each of my End Phases," he continued, "my Field Spell will inflict 200 damage to the opponent for each Water monster in my Graveyard!"

Daisuke winced as a scalding burst of bubbles exploded from the volcano and consumed him.

Daisuke: 3600 LP
Valerian: 4000 LP

"A Burn Deck, huh?" he asked, rubbing his jaw and gazing at his opponent in surprise. "Isn't that normally a tactic employed by Fire Decks?"

"You're not as dumb as you look, slacker," Valerian laughed, nodding in approval. "Yes, Burn Decks usually employ Fire monsters… but as I'm about to prove to you, Water Decks are just as capable!"

"We'll just see about that," Daisuke said breezily, clearly unruffled. "It's my move!"

He gazed at his hand for a moment, trying to determine his best course of action. Mouse of Deep Water was extremely weak, which meant that it was either concealing a useful ability or meant to serve as bait, most likely for a Trap Card that Valerian had concealed.

I'll just have to spring the trap carefully, he decided, and I've got the perfect combination for that!

"I'll summon Cyber Hero Tektonic in Attack Mode!" he said, placing a single card upon his Duel Disk. In a burst of light, a muscular cyborg appeared on the field, his golden wings fluttering fiercely. With 1600 ATK and 1000 DEF, he was much stronger than Valerian's monster. On the sidelines, Leon whistled appreciatively at the sight of one of Daisuke's favorite cards.

"Next I'll equip him with Future Blaster!"

A burst of light blazed between the cyborg's hands, revealing a sleek and futuristic handgun.

"This Equip Spell Card will increase my Hero's ATK by 300. It also comes with another useful effect—once per turn, I can switch the Battle Position of one monster on the field!"

Cyber Hero Tektonic brandished the weapon with a roar, striking Mouse of Deep Water with a pulse of golden energy. The aquatic rodent squealed as it switched to Attack Position.

"And whenever a monster equipped with Future Blaster destroys an opponent's monster by battle," Daisuke added, "I can banish one Spell or Trap Card on the field!"

Those face-down cards have got me on edge, he thought, sparing them a quick glance. But unless I'm careful, Valerian's Field Spell will cut through my Life Points in no time… It's got to go, now.

"Battle! Cyber Hero Tektonic attacks with Angelic Justice!"

The cybernetic angel soared across the field and delivered a vicious uppercut to Mouse of Deep Water, which squealed in a pitiful manner as the blow connected.

"How dare you!" one of the spectators cried, a young girl clutching a stuffed animal to her breast. She looked rather shocked that Daisuke would attack such an adorable monster.

Daisuke: 3600 LP
Valerian: 2500 LP

"I'm afraid I'm not much good at swimming," Daisuke admitted, "so you'll have to forgive me for getting rid of your Field Spell."

"I don't think so," Valerian replied with his usual cocky smile. "Mouse of Deep Water can only be destroyed by an Earth monster. And unfortunately for you, your Cyber Hero is a Light monster. Looks like you won't get to use Future Blaster's ability after all!"

The bubble-bound rodent chattered endearingly once more as it floated serenely in its shimmering sphere, apparently unharmed.

So your strategy is to burn me down slowly, huh? Daisuke wondered grimly, sizing up the current situation. Clearly, Valerian was planning to use Mouse of Deep Water as a shield while gradually adding to the number of Water monsters in his Graveyard.

I'll show him that there's a cost for playing defensively.. As long as Cyber Hero Tektonic is equipped with Future Blaster, I can keep inflicting damage!

"Your Mouse of Deep Water may have survived for now," he conceded, placing another Monster Card on his Duel Disk, "but it won't help you. I activate the effect of Cyber Hero Teknoscope from my hand—when another Cyber Hero inflicts Battle Damage to the enemy, he can be Special Summoned to the field!"

A mechanical whirring heralded the appearance of a lanky cyborg with armor colored dark gray and gold. Its eyes were bright green, matching the pulsing lights scattered across its body, and it featured 800 ATK and DEF.

"Now it's Teknoscope's turn—attack with Steam Wave!!"

The cyborg lifted its fists and released a wave of scalding steam towards the rodent, which squirmed furiously within its bubble as Valerian's Life Points were further reduced.

Daisuke: 3600 LP
Valerian: 2100 LP

"Leave that poor mouse alone!" the young girl wailed, bursting into tears. Daisuke flashed her an apologetic smile.

"Next I'll activate Teknoscope's effect—once per turn, I can select an opponent's face-down card and reveal it. And if that card is a Spell Card, it's removed from play!"

I wasn't able to get rid of the Field Spell, but at least I can get an idea of what kind of traps he's concealing, Daisuke thought, watching as a pulse of green light shot from his monster's eyes and struck Valerian's concealed card.

"Perfect," Valerian smirked. "You've chosen my Fountain of Rebirth—a Continuous Spell Card that activates when it's removed from the field, allowing me to revive a Water monster and increase its ATK by 1000!"

Leon groaned as Deep Sea Unicorn reappeared, rearing on its scaled coils, its offensive scores soaring to 2800.

"Oops," Daisuke laughed, looking slightly sheepish for a moment. "I wasn't expecting that to happen. Nice move!"

Valerian narrowed his eyes at his opponent, as if uncertain how to react to the compliment. "Stupid Uria slacker," he replied, "of course you weren't... You're not capable of complex strategy, unlike me! Reverse Card, open—Dragged into the Depths!"

Daisuke's smile faded as a whirlpool appeared beneath Cyber Hero Tektonic and Teknoscope. Both of the cyborgs struggled briefly, only to gurgle weakly as they were consumed by the vortex.

"This Trap Card activates during a turn that I took damage from a battle involving a Water monster. It destroys all of the opponent's monster that inflicted Battle Damage and lets me draw a card for each one!"

I wasn't expecting that, Daisuke frowned, watching his opponent add two new cards to his hand. It's almost like he set me up for that play... And he managed to use Mouse of Deep Water as bait too... Pretty cold-blooded...

"In that case," he replied with a shrug, "you'll just have to wait and see what I've got planned for next turn. For now, I'll activate Cybernetic Warp—it banishes Cyber Hero Tektonic from the Graveyard in order to revive it during my next Standby Phase. I'll also lay one card face-down and end my turn."

Valerian's smirk widened at Daisuke's paltry defense.

"You're even more naive than I thought," he announced. "There won't be another turn for you!"

 

===

AUTHOR'S Notes: Okay guys. I am very happy with the comments and constructive criticism I have received so far, so please keep it up! I am pleased with how this chapter turned out: it's certainly much longer than the last, and introduces quite a few key characters in passing, which we'll see again in the next chapter. I also wanted to go ahead and add some action, so I included the match between Daisuke and Valerian to give you an idea of some of the custom cards I'll be introducing throughout the story. I hope you enjoyed, stay posted for the next chapter!

===

CARD List: This section will feature the cards used in this chapter, although don’t expect it to ruin any future Duels —only card effects that have already been revealed will be listed, so it's mainly for clarification. In addition, if an image is available from my archives, I will try and provide a "key card" featured in the match.

[spoiler=Today's Key Card / 今日のキーカード]

Cyber Hero Teknoscope
Level 3
LIGHT
Warrior-Type/Tuner/Effect
ATK 800 / DEF 800
When a "Cyber Hero" monster you control inflicts Battle Damage to your opponent, you can Special Summon this card from your hand. Once per turn, you can select 1 face-down card your opponent controls and reveal it; the selected card cannot be activated in response to this effect. If the revealed card is a Spell Card, banish it. If not, return the card to its original position.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Monsters]

Cyber Hero Tektonic
Level 3
LIGHT
Warrior-Type/Effect
ATK 1600 / DEF 1000
Effect: Unknown

Cyber Hero Teknoscope
Level 3
LIGHT
Warrior-Type/Tuner/Effect
ATK 800 / DEF 800
When a "Cyber Hero" monster you control inflicts Battle Damage to your opponent, you can Special Summon this card from your hand. Once per turn, you can select 1 face-down card your opponent controls and reveal it; the selected card cannot be activated in response to this effect. If the revealed card is a Spell Card, banish it. If not, return the card to its original position.

Deep Sea Unicorn
Level 4
WATER
Aqua-Type/Effect
ATK 1800 / DEF 1400
Once per turn, you can send 1 WATER monster from your Deck to the Graveyard to look at the top card of your Deck. If that card is a Normal Spell Card, you can add it to your hand. If it is not a Normal Spell Card, place it at the bottom of your Deck. When a Spell Card is added to your hand by this effect, you can tribute this face-up card you control: Until this turn's End Phase, you do not have to pay the activation costs of that 1 Spell Card.

Drowned Ghoul
Level 3
WATER
Aqua-Type/Effect
ATK 1200 / DEF 900
When this card is sent from your Deck to the Graveyard by the effect of a WATER monster you control, draw 1 card from your Deck. You cannot activate this effect if there is another "Drowned Ghoul" in your Graveyard.



Mouse of Deep Water
Level 2
Water
Beast-Type/Effect
ATK 400 / DEF 400
This card cannot be destroyed by battle by a non-EARTH monster (Damage Calculation is applied normally).[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Spells]Future Blaster

Equip Spell Card

Equip only to a "Cyber Hero" monster you control; it gains 300 ATK. Once per turn, you can switch the Battle Position of 1 monster on the field. When the equipped monster destroys an opponent's monster by battle, you can banish 1 Spell or Trap Card on the field.

 

Cybernetic Warp
Normal Spell Card
Banish 1 "Cyber Hero" monster in your Graveyard. Special Summon that monster during your next Standby Phase and banish it during the End Phase.

Mermaid Soul
Normal Spell Card
Return 2 WATER monsters from your Graveyard to the Deck. Special Summon 1 Level 4 or lower WATER monster from your hand.

 

Sunken Temple of the Ancients
Field Spell Card
During each of your End Phases, inflict damage to your opponent equal to the number of WATER monsters in your Graveyard x200.

Fountain of Rebirth
Continuous Spell Card
When this card is removed from the field: Special Summon 1 WATER monster from your Graveyard and increase its ATK by 1000. Negate the activation and effect of your opponent's Spell and Trap Cards that target the Special Summoned monster and destroy them.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Traps]

Dragged into the Depths
Normal Trap Card
Activate only during a turn that you took Battle Damage from a battle involving a WATER monster. Destroy all of your opponent's monsters that inflicted Battle Damage during this turn. Then draw 1 card from your Deck for each monster destroyed by this effect.[/spoiler]

===

CHARACTER Profiles:

Valerian Greysteel
Age: 17
Hair Color: Light brown
Hairstyle: Mid-length, feathery, worn to one side
Eye Color: Olive
Height: 6"0
Weight: 170 lbs.
Favorite/Signature Card: Unknown
Deck: Deep Sea Deck
Personality: Although he's recognized as a competent Duelist by most, Valerian is always challenging himself to reach new heights. Cocky and sarcastic, he aspires to join Raviel Blue and regards Uria Red students with total disdain.
Likes: Saltwater taffy, swimming.
Dislikes: Being snubbed, extreme heat.[/spoiler]

[a bad post]

Another good chapter, and wow do you keep them coming out fast! One thing I noticed it that you had Tektonic instead of Teknoscope, when Daisuke was activating effects. I see I was a wrong when predicting characters, the Raviel pair are much more callous than expected, but the whole thing is reminiscent of the scene when Alexis and Zane are watching Jaden's duel against Crowler. 

 

I like how you post cards at the end of the chapter, but all their effects seem really situational, like their catered to one specific thing, but since this is FF it shouldn't matter two much. 

[Saiba Aisu]

Thanks for your feedback, Liselotte! I didn't want to double post, so I'll go ahead and address both of your comments here.

It's great to be back! I'm flattered that you remember me ♡! It's really interesting to see the predictions you've made. I can definitely agree with you that Zane and Alexis served an important role in the inspiration process, but Alexander and Adrienne are based most closely off some characters from an ancient RP. They are actually two of my favorite characters, so I'll have to work hard not to feature them too prominently. One thing I will say: expect the unexpected!

I'm glad you enjoyed the second chapter. It's not too hard for me to "keep them coming out fast," simply because it's the summer and I have extensive notes to work from, basically allowing me to re-write with only a few major edits. The most time-consuming portion was the Duel, which I decided to include last-minute for some action.

In regards to the Tektonic/Teknoscope situation… Ack. You're totally right, thanks! I fixed it to avoid further confusion. And yes, you'll see in the next chapter just how nasty Alexander and Adrienne can be…

I do agree that many of the cards seem situational. It's been a while since I played the game, and I'm concerned that this may have affected my ability to create realistic and balanced cards. Still, I'll do the best I can--and that means sticking to what I know. So for the purposes of this story, I won't be including any game mechanics introduced after Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's… In other words, there won't be any Xyz Monsters, since I never really experienced those. Sorry guys!

Thanks again, sorry for the long post!

[Umbra]

This chapter doesn't really add much to the mix, but rather serves as a logical resolution to what happened last time. Everyone is still confused as to how some of the lowlier students in the Academy were placed among the high and mighty, and as a result we are served an excellent introduction to the rest of our expansive main cast. We aren't given much time to learn about the individual characters; instead, we simply receive a quick peek at them, and are allowed to draw our own conclusions from there.

 

I'm not much of a duelist, so I can't really comment on the duel itself, but I feel that it lacks a certain tension. Sure, Valerian has his big 2.8k-hitter out on the field, but Daisuke still has a sizeable lead and what at least seems to be some sort of an action plan in mind. With that fresh in our minds, combined with the situation itself and the obvious parallels to GX and 5D's as well as the plot of the story itself, there doesn't seem to be any chance of Daisuke losing this one. It's like watching a movie you've seen a thousand times; you know exactly how it's going to play out, and the good guys are going to win, so it's simply not that exciting to watch.

[Saiba Aisu]

Thanks for posting, Umbra! Your comments are always welcome.

Yeah, I definitely agree with you that the second chapter doesn't exactly break the generic mold. However, I would almost argue that there's not much flexibility in regards to that. It's true, the protagonist will almost never lose, especially not their first match.. Still, I feel like I do a decent job of upping the tension in the next chapter, where Valerian introduces the main combo at the heart of his Deck. Moreover, I am hoping that you will stick around for later chapters, in which I will strive to break free from any plot-related cliches..

In regards to the tension for this chapter, I feel like I chose a slightly awkward place to cut it. However, it was more of a length issue than a natural progression of action… That's well spotted on your part.

[Ren✧]

I have to admit, I was thoroughly surprised to see you have a new chapter merely a day after releasing the first AND for it not to be total and utter garbage. I enjoyed the second chapter, although not as much as the first. I don't feel like you spent enough time on the characters like you did before, but I see the necessity in it so as to introduce more characters early on. 

 

The chapter more or less went as expected. Couldn't have two beginning chapters not have a duel in it. As said before, the cards seem fairly situational, but in a fan fic it shouldn't really matter too much. The duel itself was fairly bland. There wasn't much about what the two duelists were thinking at the time, aside from the beginning when Daisuke predicts that the face down will be a trap. I would encourage you to add some more of that to the duels, it makes it interesting to view the duel from their point of view instead of as a bystander.

 

All in all, I enjoyed the chapter and I enjoyed the pictures of the cards at the end. I will definitely be sticking around for this one :D

[Vector Nightmare]

Well, here I am.

 

I only had the chance to read the prologue and first chapter so far. Since Umbra and the others did a good job at pointing out the good things, which were certainly important, I'll talk about the negatives a bit.

 

The problem with the prologue + chapter 1 was twofold, and can be summed up in two words: length, and disconnection. Length is obvious. Chapter 1 was really the length of a prologue, the prologue itself being... well, kinda like a back cover summary. The problem here was that we didn't actually get to read enough to get hooked. We get some basic character exposition, and that's that - given that this is a YGO fic, you kinda expect a duel, or at least an abridged version of one, to happen, to kick things off. Things just seem to move on too quickly. We barely know anything about anyone, and suddenly they are the best 8 of the school and chosen to participate in a tournament we know nothing about. Also I'm hoping that the 9 in Leon's ranking isn't a mistake and there's some plot important mystical eighth secret duelist around... but probably not. With the prologue being all background stuff and mythology / setting, the first chapter should've aimed to grab more attention. Also I really can't imagine The Enemy as anything other than a Lovecraftian cosmic horror entity floating around the universe. Optionally with many tentacles. Which brings us to the second problem I mentioned - disconnection. There's nothing to connect the prologue to the events of the first chapter. Not even a subtle hint, anything at all. That really put me off, since that's one more hook that could be there and wasn't. While there was some excellent display of writing right there, and anyone who knows you can probably get hooked just by that, the overall vagueness is off-putting. Also one semi-minor complaint is that there's really no effort to deviate from the GX stereotypes with some things that could really be done better with just a little bit of work. Again we have blue > yellow > red, just this time with the offshoots of the Egyptian Gods rather than the original ones. I did not like that, as it was pretty much carbon-copied for no reason. Choosing different colors & monster names shouldn't have been that hard. Or for that matter a different naming scheme of the dorms.

 

Despite my criticism, I really enjoyed it, and the level of detail is very satisfactory. Furthermore, as far as I've read from chapter 2 things start to pick up quite nicely. I guess my major complaint boils down to expecting a lot more content when I saw "prologue + first chapter", given the average chapter lengths I'm used to.

 

Also, kind of an unlikely coincidence that all chosen participants from the blue dorm have a name starting with "A". And it is a bit iffy that we already know that they pick students for the tournament based on grades, and that they ALSO assign them to dorms based on grades, but there are 3 duelists from the lowest dorm in the list of 8, more than from the middle dorm. But I guess the reasons and such will be revealed later.

 

Anyways, verdict is definitely positive, I just chose to point out the negatives since everyone else had more or less sang their part of the praise. Keep it up!

[bury the year]

Now, to fulfill my promise! I first apologize if this review is a bit incoherent: I'm writing this under the effects of a splitting migraine and maybe one too many Advil, plus having to set up the house for my girlfriend visiting later this week. Since I’m not the type to spout praise, I’ll just say outright I liked it.

 

Prologue: 5Ds? As Saber/Ixigo stated, this is rather disconnected from the chapters themselves – I can’t see where the overlap may be, which isn’t the best way to get readers hooked and involved in the story. Other than that, it sets up mythology and does its purpose.

 

Chapter 1: Your description seems a bit excessive at times, but much in the way that chocolate cake can be a bit rich. It's good, but it's a lot to take in. The first two paragraphs of Chapter 1, in particular: visually it’s a slog to get through. This also makes it so that not particularly much happens in this chapter. We get a bit of small talk as our (presumable) two leads introduce themselves and find out about The Big Tournament. (Capped for emphasis.) The significance of this isn’t built up as well as I thought it should be.

 

Chapter 2: I’m not going to critique the duel, as I haven’t played YGO in a long enough time, so I’ll evaluate this chapter purely on its literary merits. (I do have to agree with Umbra, though, that it lacks tension.) The archetypes for the characters are rather standard, and although I’m sure there’ll be development later – the only one I can’t really peg down to a GX equivalent is Vera, and I kind of like her airheaded persona.

[Saiba Aisu]

Wow, quite a few people have replied with some excellent critiques! I'll do my best to address them one by one.

[spoiler=~Renegade~]Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it (at least some!) Again, I'm working off extensive notes, so it's not too hard for me to re-write stuff within the space of one or two hours.

I am glad you brought up the situational nature of the cards. In the past, I've introduced custom cards into my stories assuming that all of the characters in that universe had unrestricted access to every card, more or less. So while this helped me "balance" my cards in a sense by trying to account for the current metagame, it also really limited what I could do.

Moreover, the more I thought about it, it seemed to me that if Duel Monsters ever really became such a popular sport/game (like soccer, for example), there would be some kind of price controls to restrict access to extremely high quality merchandise. This mentality is useful, because it lets me create cards that characters can use in the absence of powerful staples (Monster Reborn, Mirror Force, etc). The resulting product might be a bit situational, but I feel that it's at least making the attempt to be creative and original.

I'll also agree that the Duel was fairly bland—I was only able to write two turns, after all, before I had to cut the chapter due to length constraints. Hopefully it will spice up in the next chapter, but again, anything is possible and I'm open to criticisms. I'll also try to keep in mind what you wrote about actively showing the Duelists' thought process, rather than just narrating their actions.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=~ Epic Hero - Saber ~]Thanks for your comments, Ixi ♡ Honestly, I am always a bit nervous whenever you evaluate my writing, just because I hold your opinion in such high regard.

I agree with you completely about the length and disconnection of the prologue and first chapter. In the past, I've written decently lengthy prologues, but I was afraid of doing that this time in around, in case I bored the reader or hit them with too much exposition. The 9 is a total typo I'm afraid, but thanks for pointing it out!

Haha the image of a floating cosmic horror is pretty amusing, but that's not what I have planned at all. There won't be any tentacles, at least of now. As to the lack of a real "hook," I'd like to speak with you in greater detail about this. Even though this story will channel a lot of anime—just look at the chapter names and pacing so far—I still want to make it as good as it can possibly be. So  maybe I'll go ahead and do some rewriting for the prologue and first chapter at a specified point… perhaps every ten chapters or so, I can go back and do some edits.

In regards to the dorm system, I'll admit that there was little to no effort made to be creative. I lifted that directly from the old RP I mentioned earlier on my old forum. Although it's not necessarily original, I feel like the separation of students does make for some nice character development and interaction and helps add complexity to the school. I will look into changing the names, however.

Finally, I noticed that exact same thing just as I posted the chapter—all three of the Raviels have names that start with "A." While Alexander and Adrienne are pretty much set in stone, but maybe I can look into changing Anthony's name to something else. As to the tournament, the participants are selected based upon one examination rather than their general grades (hence why the Headmistress says the results of the examination have now become available). I'm still debating the best way to explain this development (I've got a few different scenarios), but for the time being, rest assured that the students of Neo Duel Academy share your confusion and in some cases, indignation.

Thanks for your comments![/spoiler]

[spoiler=Rinne]Boy, you should have just gone to sleep in that case… Hope you're feeling better and good luck with your lady friend!

Yeah, I agree that the prologue definitely needs work (at this point, it seems unavoidable since I've gotten so many similar criticisms). I'll work on trying to develop and implement a "hook" that can be included once it's rewritten.

Ack, dude. You clocked me! I think I've improved a tiny little bit (maybe!), but there's still no doubt that I suffer from mild bouts of purple prose. I'll try to work on my tendency to over-describe the environment and basic interactions.

It's interesting that you find Vera to be an "airheaded persona." Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, of course, and it's difficult to tell right from the get-go, but that's not what I was going for. Vera is one of my favorite characters, and I'll have to work on putting her more to the forefront of the cast. She's definitely a unique individual who dances to her own drum rather than follow the crowd. You'll get to see more of her in the fourth chapter, if everything goes as planned.[/spoiler]

Thanks again guys! Hopefully someone will post so I can upload the third chapter without double posting! >_>

[Synchronized]

Reserving this space so I can update with a full review shortly.

 

Oh and also so you don't have to double post :p

[Saiba Aisu]

[spoiler=Chapter Three]===CHAPTER THREE: Dangerous Deep Sea Combo! Go, Cyber Hero Ember Crossfire!! / ターン 3：危険のディープ・シーコンボ！キミに決めた、サイバー・ヒーロー・エンバークロスファイヤー！===



 

"It's my move," Valerian announced. He took a moment to relish the current situation, evidently pleased with how he had turned the tables on his opponent.

"Up until now, I've been toying with you," he said to Daisuke with a nasty smirk, "testing the waters, if you will. From here on out though, play time is over—prepare to lose. I activate the effect of Sunken Temple of the Ancients!"

A invisible current swept the underwater field, trailing streams of bubbles. At the heart of the sunken temple, the volcano's scarlet light pulsed brighter.

"Instead of conducting my Draw Phase each turn, I can send a Water monster from my Deck to the Graveyard. For this turn, I'll send Deep Sea Soldier—and when he's sent from the Deck to the Graveyard, I can send an additional copy as well."

On the sidelines, sandwiched between two muscular Raviel Blues at the forefront of the crowd, Leon groaned and closed his eyes, his thoughts racing.

With the Field Spell's ability, it didn't matter whether or not Valerian drew more monsters—each turn, the number of Water monsters in his Graveyard would increase, chipping away Daisuke's Life Points piece by piece. And even in the event that Daisuke did manage to summon a monster stronger than Deep Sea Unicorn, it was unlikely that he'd be able to get past Mouse of Deep Water. This couldn't be happening, it was simply too cruel.

Daisuke and I have been dreaming of competing in this tournament for so long, he thought to himself, remembering the disbelief and excitement on his friend's face from earlier. It can't have been for nothing…

"Daisuke!" Leon growled, his eyes flashing open and his voice carrying across the area, "We've worked too hard to get here! Uria Red is counting on you, so don't you dare lose to this upstart punk!"

Daisuke nodded towards his friend and flashed a small smile. Clearly, he hadn't thrown in the towel just yet.

"I'll activate the effect of Deep Sea Unicorn," Valerian interrupted, clearly annoyed by Leon's emotional outburst. "I can send a Water monster from my Deck to the Graveyard to check the top card of my Deck—if that card is a Normal Spell Card, I can add it to my hand. Otherwise, it goes to the bottom of my Deck."



 

He selected another card from his Deck and slid it into the Graveyard, then lifted the top card so that everyone could see it. Leon breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of the Effect Monster, a pale-faced warrior wielding a silver spear, clad in reflective blue armor.

"Looks like I was unlucky this time, but it makes no difference," Valerian said, taking the loss in stride. "I'll activate the ability of the Aqua Bubble Fairy I just sent to the grave—when she's sent from my Deck to the Graveyard, I can Special Summon her."

Many of the male spectators wolf-whistled as a slender female with shapely legs appeared on the field, tossing her long silver locks with a giggle. She was completely naked save for a few clustered bubbles that were placed strategically across her body. Despite her captivating appearance, however, she was even weaker than Mouse of Deep Water, with only 100 ATK and 200 DEF.

"Battle Phase. Deep Sea Unicorn attacks directly with Oceanic Fury!" Valerian declared, pointing furiously towards his opponent.

With a savage cry, Deep Sea Unicorn twisted forwards through the inky depths, clearly intending to skewer Daisuke on its horn.

 

===



 

The light of the afternoon sun fell through the tall french windows of the Academy Library, forming pools of deep shadow and golden brilliance. It was a large well-furnished complex, incorporating several computer rooms, thousands of holotexts, simulation stations, and even a handful of practice rooms, all intended to help students improve their Dueling skills. The library was divided into three floors which attracted different kinds of students, depending on how seriously they were planning to study.



 

Alexander and Adrienne had headed to the library promptly after class and taken the elevator to the third floor, where they were much less likely to be disturbed. After half an hour of researching the tournament's other participants, they had discovered some useful information which was now displayed on several computer monitors in one of the work rooms.



 

"It's as I thought, Alex," Adrienne said, glancing over her companion's shoulder at the screens with undisguised scorn. "There's no chance that any of these opponents will cause us trouble, especially those dorks from Uria Red."



 

The dark-haired Raviel frowned slightly, his emerald gaze cold and almost surgical in its precision. "You're forgetting this girl," he replied, leaning in and pointing at the section they had dedicated to the Uria Red student, Caroline Lace.

 

At his touch, all of the screens changed simultaneously to display the information the duo had gathered. A slender dark-haired girl with creamy skin, mournful blue eyes and a sad smile gazed back at them from the monitors. She seemed vaguely familiar, but neither of them remembered having interacted with her.



 

"There's hardly anything about her," he continued flatly, his fingers flying across the keyboard as he reviewed the personal information stored within the school's private database. Strictly speaking, students weren't granted access to the archive but Adrienne had managed to convince one of the male librarians to provide them with the password.

 



"For a school project," she had said, her lips spreading in a slow and sensual smile.



 

"It's probably because she's a freshman," Adrienne replied, drumming the manicured nails of one hand against the counter with a vexed expression. "Still, it is a little troubling that we have almost nothing on her… Not even the type of Deck she plays."

 



Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of muffled footsteps as someone approached; a few seconds later, the door of the computer room slid open to reveal a serious-looking young man with short brown hair and black glasses, wearing the gold and white uniform of Hamon Yellow. At the sight of the two he came to an abrupt halt, generating a silence that was only broken by the hiss of the door as it slid shut behind him.



 

Damn it all, Hayden thought to himself furiously, what are the odds that these two would be working in my usual study room?

 



===


 

"Reverse Card, open! Future Barrier!"

At the last moment before the attack, a shimmering curtain of purple materialized between Daisuke and Deep Sea Unicorn, dotted with shining lights like a starlit sky. Valerian's monster reared with an outraged sound before returning reluctantly to its master's side.

"Sorry to disappoint you, Valerian," Daisuke said with a rueful grin, "but you won't be getting at my Life Points so easily. As long as I control a banished Cyber Hero, my Continuous Trap lets me reduce damage to 0 once per turn."

Valerian's expression transformed from one of smug triumph to outrage in seconds.

"Go ahead and protect your worthless monster," he sneered. "What do I care? You may have managed to avoid my one-turn victory, but don't think you'll escape unscathed! Now I'll attack with Aqua Bubble Fairy and Mouse of Deep Water!"

 

Mouse of Deep Water sneezed, emitting a stream of bubbles that enveloped Daisuke, while Aqua Bubble Fairy giggled and did the same.

 

Daisuke: 3100 LP

Valerian: 2100 LP

"One turn victory?" Daisuke repeated after the bubbles cleared, obviously confused. "Just how were you planning on reducing my Life Points to 0 in one turn?"

"Main Phase 2," Valerian continued, ignoring his opponent's question. "By tuning the Level 1 Aqua Bubble Fairy to my Level 2 Mouse of Deep Water and Level 4 Deep Sea Unicorn, I'll summon a new monster!"

The bubble-clad fairy giggled cheekily as she transformed into a spiraling green light, enveloping Valerian's two other monster. A towering vortex of dark blue water burst into existence, spiraling with an almighty roar.

"The rage of the depths will assume a new form," Valerian chanted, "and drown the world in misery! Appear now, terror of the oceans, Deep Sea Dragon!!"

A terrifying howl echoed across the field as the vortex dissipated, revealing Valerian's newest monster. Deep Sea Dragon was serpentine in nature, yet its scaly blue-gray coils bugled with powerful muscles. Wickedly sharp fins sprouted from its face and back, a bifurcated tongue flashed from its fanged maw and its yellow eyes burned with hunger. Daisuke blinked in surprise when he observed its scores, which stood at a massive 2600 ATK and 2200 DEF. He whistled softly.

"Too bad you already conducted your Battle Phase," he said, gazing at the creature with admiration, "otherwise I'd be in trouble. This is an awesome monster!"

"Save your smooth words," Valerian interrupted, "because your real trouble starts now."

Daisuke's friendly expression hardened slightly at the other boy's words, but if he was angry, he gave no indication. Leon, on the other hand, was a different matter entirely.

"God, what a colossal prick," he roared, his spiky dark hair bristling in fury. "I don't care how impressive that monster is, Daisuke! Just hurry up and defeat this guy already!"

"I'm afraid that's impossible," Valerian said, favoring Leon with a pitying smile. "I'll activate the ability of Deep Sea Dragon—by sending a Water monster from my Deck to the Graveyard, it can inflict 1000 damage to the opposing player. I'll send my third copy of Deep Sea Soldier… And now, Aquatic Vengeance!!"

Valerian smiled triumphantly as Deep Sea Dragon's eyes burned red. Moments later, a pulse of boiling water exploded from its maw and engulfed Daisuke. Now, both Duelists' Life Points were even.

Daisuke: 2100 LP
Valerian: 2100 LP

"I'll lay one card face-down and end my turn," Valerian announced, smirking as a concealed hologram materialized behind Deep Sea Dragon. "During the End Phase, Sunken Temple of the Ancients will inflict 200 damage for each Water monster in my Graveyard!"

Daisuke yelled as a vortex of searing water enveloped him, momentarily obscuring him in a curtain of bubbles.

Daisuke: 700 LP
Valerian: 2100 LP

"This is your last chance to amuse me, Red," Valerian said mockingly. "Better make it count!"
 



===



 

"You're Hayden Omirou."

 



It was a cold impassive statement, not a question, and at the sound of Alexander's voice, Hayden shuddered slightly, unnerved in spite of himself.



 

"That's correct," he replied defensively, attempting to recover his self-control as he adjusted his glasses. "And you are?"



 

Adrienne placed a gentle hand on Alexander's shoulder and gave a brief look; he nodded in assent as she took the situation into her own hands.



 

"Don't tell me we haven't met before?" she purred smoothly, stepping forward until she stood before Hayden, her magnetic dark eyes upon his suddenly flushed face. "Alex and I are students from Raviel Blue," she said, gesturing towards her companion, "and we're also participants in the Star Nexus Tournament, just like you."

 



Well that was certainly to the point, Hayden thought, wondering just what kind of game the duo was trying to play. His eyes flashed across the room, taking in the computer monitors displaying Caroline Lace's face. I wasn't expecting her to bring up the tournament so quickly, but now that she's mentioned it…



 

"Of course," he replied, trying to avoid the girl's smoldering gaze—clearly, being aware of her tactics didn't guarantee that he was immune to them. "How foolish of me. I saw your names on the top of the list this morning. Congratulations."

 



Adrienne tossed a blue-black tress over her shoulder, her perfect smile widening to reveal more even teeth. "What a thoughtful remark," she purred in a low tone that made the hairs on the back of Hayden's neck stand up.



 

"Adrienne and I thought we would check out the competition," Alexander added, striding forward and crossing his arms, "but we only managed to find information on some of the participants."

 



He gestured at the screens before continuing, "In particular, Caroline Lace remains a mystery. Perhaps you could tell us more about her?"



 

He turned back to Hayden, his eyes like sharp fragments of green ice as they flashed from his alabaster face. Once more, Hayden was struck by a sense of unease at the other man's gaze, only too aware of the apathy that lay behind it. Time and time again, Alexander had demonstrated himself to be utterly ruthless, defeating every opponent and obtaining consistently high scores on every examination. Eventually, he had come to be known as the "King" of Neo Duel Academy—a living, breathing legend that commanded the fascination, respect, and admiration of the entire school.



 

"Hmm, Caroline Lace?" he repeated automatically, trying to devise a plan to turn the situation to his advantage. "The freshman? Now that you mention it, I do know a bit about her, but it's not much to go on…"



 

"Every little bit helps, Hayden," Adrienne replied, pushing her hair back from her face. "We know that you're famous for your habit of keeping tabs on other students… Why don't you go ahead and tell us what you know?"



 

Time for a gambit, Hayden thought, gathering his courage with a deep breath. "Alright," he answered, "I'll tell you what I know, so long as you're willing to share some information about yourselves, too."

 

The perfection of Adrienne's features slipped for a moment and an unpleasant expression appeared, rather like a snake that had been cheated of its prey. Although he raised a slim brow, Alexander did not seem overly perturbed by Hayden's proposal—instead, a cold smile appeared on his lips as he nodded his assent.



 

"Alright, fair enough," he agreed, his words carrying the slightest hint of cruel amusement. "Why don't you go first?"



 

===


 

"My turn! Draw!"

Daisuke took a moment to survey his latest card, determined to discover a solution to the problem at hand.

"During my Standby Phase the effect of Cybernetic Warp activates, Special Summoning Cyber Hero Tektonic."

A fierce humming echoed across the arena as an oval-shaped portal opened in midair; moments later, the familiar angelic cyborg emerged, shining faintly in the murky depths.

"Get ready, Valerian," Daisuke said. "You may have mocked my Deck, but I'm about to show what real Dueling is all about!"

His opponent frowned, clearly puzzled as to what he meant. What else could he expect from a Uria slacker, after all? It was clear that Daisuke just didn't know when to admit defeat.

"I'll activate the Spell Card, The Warrior Returning Alive! This lets me return Cyber Hero Teknoscope to my hand—and now I'll summon it!"

Valerian rolled his eyes as the lanky cyborg reappeared next to Cyber Hero Tektonic, evidently convinced that it posed little danger.

"It's my turn to Synchro Summon now. I'll tune the Level 3 Teknoscope to my Level 3 Tektonic!" Daisuke declared, raising a hand high as the spiraling green light appeared and engulfed the two monsters.

"From the depths of adversity, a new hero will emerge! Become the light that burns in the darkness! Rise, Cyber Hero Ember Crossfire!!"

A dazzling light burst across the field, tinged gold and scarlet. Valerian's frowned deepened, while Deep Sea Dragon hissed ominously, its forked tongue flickering from its fanged maw. When the light cleared, a new monster stood on Daisuke's field, flexing its muscles proudly.

Cyber Hero Ember Crossfire wore a metallic black armor, etched with deep rivulets that blazed red. An impressive array of spikes bristled from each shoulder and its powerful wings churned the water, raising clouds of bubbles. Despite its formidable appearance, however, its ATK and DEF of 2300 and 1400 could not compare to the aquatic monstrosity that opposed it.

"You can play at Dueling all you like," Valerian sneered after a moment, recovering his usual cocky demeanor. "That doesn't change the fact that you'll always be a good-for-nothing Uria slacker!"

Daisuke smiled grimly, his dark brown eyes glowing with a fierce light.

"That's where you're wrong, Valerian. You've underestimated me and my Deck for the last time! I'll activate Ember Crossfire's effect—by banishing a face-up Spell or Trap Card on the field, I can increase his ATK by 500 until the End Phase! Ember Charge!!"

With another mechanical hum, Sunken Temple of the Ancients disappeared from the field. The audience gasped collectively as they were showered once more in the golden afternoon. Meanwhile, a scarlet-gold light enveloped Daisuke's monster, raising its ATK score to 2800.

"Do it, Daisuke!" Leon yelled, pumping his fists in the air from the sidelines. "Show him what we're all about!"

Valerian's confident expression wavered for a moment and for the first time, a hint of doubt blossomed in his eyes.

"Sunken Temple of the Ancients can prevent its destruction by banishing a Water monster in the Graveyard," he scowled. "But it can't do anything about being removed from play…"

"Battle!" Daisuke declared. "Cyber Hero Ember Crossfire attacks Deep Sea Dragon with Flaming Strike!"

The cyborg flexed its muscular body with a roar, sending a searing barrage of spikes towards Valerian's monster. Deep Sea Dragon shrieked as it was impaled, resisting briefly before disappearing in an explosion of jagged pixels.

Daisuke: 700 LP
Valerian: 1900 LP

"You may have managed to dismantle my Deck's most powerful combo," Valerian said after a moment, his voice surprisingly calm, "but it won't be enough to win you the match. Reverse Card, open!"

With an ominous swish, the Hamon Yellow's card swung upwards, depicting a murky underwater scene dominated by a massive fanged mouth that seemed utterly without bottom.

"Revenge of the Serpent Lord… When a Sea Serpent-Type monster is destroyed by the opponent, this card will inflict damage equal to half the destroyed monster's ATK, plus the number of Water monsters in my Graveyard—"

 



"No, it won't."


 

Valerian's words came to an abrupt halt as he looked up in disbelief at his opponent, who was smiling at him with genuine warmth.     


 

"This has been an awesome game, Valerian," Daisuke said. "No matter what happens, I'm glad to know that there are Duelists like you at this school… But this match is mine! Cyber Hero Ember Crossfire's effect activates!"

 

Suddenly, Valerian's Trap Card was engulfed in coruscating flames—with the sound of breaking glass, it disappeared from the field.

 



"During the turn in which Cyber Hero Ember Crossfire destroys a monster by battle, any Spell or Trap Cards that the opponent activates will be negated and destroyed."

 



The few remaining traces of Valerian's cockiness vanished as his last defense was rendered useless.



 

"And that's not all," Daisuke continued. "From my hand, I'll activate a Quickplay Spell Card, De-Synchro! This card will return Ember Crossfire to the Extra Deck in order to revive the monsters I used to summon him!"



 

The black-clad cyborg sighed softly as he dissolved into a storm of golden sparks that eventually rematerialized into Cyber Hero Tektonic and Cyber Hero Teknoscope.



 

"Battle. I'll attack the opponent directly with both monsters!" Daisuke cried. "Angelic Justice! Steam Wave!"

 

Valerian's usually expressive face was blank as the two attacks struck him, completely reducing his Life Points.

Daisuke: 700 LP
Valerian: 0 LP

 



"DAISUKE~!!" Leon yelled, surging forward and embracing his friend. "I knew you could do it! I knew it!"

 



All around the two friends a shocked whispering could be heard—evidently, the crowd had not imagined that a Uria Red would be able to defeat a Hamon Yellow. Slowly at first, then more strongly, the surrounding students began to clap and cheer loudly, clearly impressed and pleased by the unexpected outcome. From the center of the crowd, the young girl clutching her stuffed animal smiled at Daisuke shyly.



 

"Daisuke."

 



Leon moved aside as Valerian drew close to the pair, his eyes regaining some of their usual flash.



 

"Valerian."



 

They stood there for a moment, each sizing up the other wordlessly while the cheers of the crowd echoed through the arena.



 

"That… was a tough loss. I learned a lot from it…" Valerian admitted at last. "You may have defeated me, but that's no guarantee that you'll win the Star Nexus Tournament."



 

"You're right," Daisuke agreed easily. "But like all things in life, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it."



 

"Fair enough. Just make sure you play well, or else I'll feel even worse for having lost to you."



 

Daisuke nodded and grinned, extending his hand. Valerian took it with a small smile and shook it briefly. With Leon practically jumping up and down at his side in excitement he turned to leave, exhausted but exhilarated by the day's adventures.



 

"… And Daisuke!" Valerian's voice came suddenly. "I'll want a rematch!"

 



"Any time, Valerian! Any time."

 



===



 

This is almost too easy, Hayden thought, struggling to conceal his suspicion at how quickly Alexander had agreed to the exchange.



 

"Caroline Lace," he began, adjusting his glasses and clearing his throat, "a first-year international student who placed into Uria Red. Prior to that, she lived in Europe, so not much is known about her. Still, according to the information I gathered from her roommate and classmates, she's a ward of the state, an orphan with memories of an unhappy past. On top of that, although she doesn't Duel often, she plays a Tragic Romance Deck."

 



Hopefully that will be enough to satisfy these two. He was hoping to reveal as little as possible. Information is power, and I won't be giving up any more until they tell me about themselves.

 



Alexander and Adrienne exchanged a pleased look as Hayden completed his report, ignoring the expectant expression on the Hamon Yellow's face.

 



"An orphan?" Alexander repeated slowly, his cold smile widening as he relished the idea. "What an interesting contribution… I'm sure we'll be able to put it to good use, won't we, Adrienne?"

 



"Of course," the Greek girl replied, tossing her hair and placing her hands on her hips. "You've done well, Hayden. Who would have guessed that your unnatural little habit would prove so useful?"

 



Hayden tensed at the pair's cruel words, but he refused to back down with nothing to show for his efforts.



 

"And what about you two?" he demanded at last, glancing between the King and Queen of Neo Duel Academy," what kind of Decks do you play?"



 

"I could always lie," Adrienne said aloud, as if she were thinking to herself, tapping a manicured nail against her lips in a pensive manner. "Still, it's not worth it, so I'll save you the trouble of guessing, little boy. I play a Reptile-Type Deck."

 



In spite of the situation, Hayden felt a ripple of disbelief, followed by a growing sense of indignation at her patronizing words. A little boy, was he?



 

"As for me," Alexander added with a smirk, "let's just say that you should watch out for the Deck I play, if you know what's good for you… Just one of my cards would be more than enough to put you on ice."

 



I don't know how these two think this tournament is going to work, Hayden thought, his eyes narrowing as he clenched his fists, but they're certainly confident in their ability to win. I'll just have to prove them wrong…!


 


"Unless you have anything else to contribute," Alexander cut in sarcastically, jolting the Hamon Yellow from his outraged reverie, "we'll be going now. It's been a pleasure doing business with you."



 

Adrienne followed his lead and stepped past Hayden, her body swaying as if she were dancing to the music of a snake charmer.



 

"I guess we'll see you at the tournament," she added, a pitying smile on her perfect lips. "Take care until then, baby," she finished, blowing him a brief kiss before departing.

 



In spite of his anger, Hayden felt himself flush at the gesture as the two Raviels exited the room. He wasn't usually the type to worry about others, but even he knew enough to realize that Alexander and Adrienne were trouble. Now more than ever, he had to proceed cautiously if he wanted to succeed.

 



He flushed again at the memory of Adrienne's dark eyes upon his face and her low voice at his ear. With an impatient motion, he jammed his glasses back onto his nose, almost breaking them.



 

This just got personal.

 



===

 



AUTHOR'S Notes: There you have it, another chapter down and many more to go! I'm looking forward to seeing your reviews, especially in regards to the balance between Dueling and plot development. I'm aware that I took a few liberties, especially with De-Synchro (which is a Normal Spell Card in the TCG rather than a Quickplay), but I felt that it worked well with the story and the nature of Daisuke's Deck.



 

===


 


CARD List:



[spoiler=Today's Key Card / 今日のキーカード]

 

Cyber Hero Ember Crossfire


Level 6


FIRE


Warrior-Type/Synchro/Effect


ATK 2300 / DEF 1400


1 "Cyber Hero" Tuner + 1 or more non-Tuner monsters


Once per turn, you can remove from play 1 face-up Spell or Trap Card on the field and increase this card's ATK by 500 until the End Phase. When this card destroys an opponent's monster by battle: Negate the activation and effect of any Spell or Trap Cards your opponent activates until the End Phase and destroy those cards.[/spoiler]



[spoiler=Monsters]

Cyber Hero Ember Crossfire


Level 6


FIRE


Warrior-Type/Synchro/Effect


ATK 2300 / DEF 1400


1 "Cyber Hero" Tuner + 1 or more non-Tuner monsters


Once per turn, you can remove from play 1 face-up Spell or Trap Card on the field and increase this card's ATK by 500 until the End Phase. When this card destroys an opponent's monster by battle: Negate the activation and effect of any Spell or Trap Cards your opponent activates until the End Phase and destroy those cards.



 

Deep Sea Soldier

Level 3

WATER

Warrior-Type/Effect

ATK 1000 / DEF 0

When this card is sent from your Deck to the Graveyard by a WATER monster you control, you can send 1 "Deep Sea Soldier" from your Deck to the Graveyard. You cannot activate this effect if there is another "Deep Sea Soldier" in your Graveyard.

 

Aqua Bubble Fairy


Level 1


WATER


Fairy-Type/Tuner/Effect


ATK 100 / DEF 200


When this card is sent from your Deck to the Graveyard by the effect of a WATER monster you control, after the current chain resolves, you can Special Summon this card in Attack Position. You cannot activate this effect if there is another "Aqua Bubble Fairy" in your Graveyard.

 



Deep Sea Dragon


Level 7


WATER


Sea Serpent-Type/Synchro/Effect


ATK 2600 / DEF 2200


1 WATER Tuner + 1 or more non-Tuner WATER monsters


When this card destroys an opponent's monster by battle, inflict damage to your opponent equal to half of that monster's ATK or DEF, whichever is higher. Once per turn, you can send 1 WATER monster from your Deck to the Graveyard to inflict 1000 damage to your opponent. This card cannot declare an attack during the turn this effect is activated.[/spoiler]

 



[spoiler=Spells]The Warrior Returning Alive

Normal Spell Card

Target 1 Warrior-Type monster in your Graveyard; add that target to your hand.

 

De-Synchro


Quickplay Spell Card


Target 1 face-up Synchro Monster; return that target to the Extra Deck, then, if all of the monsters that were used for the Synchro Summon of that monster are in your Graveyard, you can Special Summon them.



 

Sunken Temple of the Ancients

Field Spell Card
During each of your Draw Phases, you can send 1 WATER monster from your Deck to the Graveyard instead of conducting your normal draw. Once per turn, when this card would be destroyed, you can banish 1 WATER monster in your Graveyard instead. During each of your End Phases, inflict damage to your opponent equal to the number of WATER monsters in your Graveyard x200.[/spoiler]

 



[spoiler=Traps]

Future Barrier


Continuous Trap Card


Once per turn, when you would take damage from an opponent's monster or card effect, you can reduce that damage to 0. You cannot activate this effect if you do not control a banished "Cyber Hero" monster.

 

Revenge of the Serpent Lord


Normal Trap Card


Activate only when a Sea Serpent-Type monster you control is destroyed by your opponent. Inflict damage to your opponent equal to half of that monster's ATK plus 200 for each WATER monster in your Graveyard.[/spoiler]



 

===



 

CHARACTER Profiles:

 



Alexander Frost

Age: 17


Hair Color: Dark brown

Hairstyle: Straight, with long, artful bangs in several layers

Eye Color: Dark green

Height: 5"11


Weight: 150 lbs.


Favorite/Signature Card: Unknown

Deck: Unknown


Personality: Cold and detached, Alexander suffers from depression and treats those around him with apathy and even cruelty. He is extremely independent and confident in his abilities.


Likes: Writing poetry, taking long walks.


Dislikes: Annoying people, blizzards.

 

Adrienne Guadiacco


Age: 17


Hair Color: Blue-black


Hairstyle: Long, worn down until slightly above her forearms


Eye Color: Black


Height: 5"8


Weight: 135 lbs.


Favorite/Signature Card: Unknown

Deck: Unknown


Personality: Known for her temperamental attitude, Adrienne nevertheless possesses a heart of gold for those she's fond of. Although she's an individual with strong convictions, she's not above using her physical beauty to her advantage.


Likes: Jewelry, spending time with Alexander.

Dislikes: Disrespect, arrogance.



 

Hayden Omirou


Age: 16


Hair Color: Dark brown


Hairstyle: Short and spiky, almost buzzed

Eye Color: Blue-gray


Height: 5"7


Weight: 140 lbs.

Favorite/Signature Card: Unknown


Deck: Unknown


Personality: Reserved and withdrawn in most situations, Hayden is an enigma to most of his fellow students. Deeply ambitious and studious, he is constantly investigating developments around him and devising new ways to improve his skills.


Likes: Conducting research, studying philosophy.

Dislikes: Messiness, rashness, irresponsibility.[/spoiler]

[Ren✧]

I think you managed the duel much better in this chapter than the last. By switching between the two scenes you created a better air of suspense. Aside from the liberties you took, which will probably happen seeing as sometimes cards just need to be tweaked to fit the story, I noticed something slightly odd about the duel. Why would Deepsea Dragon inflict damage to both players when it negates battle damage any way? It seems redundant. 

 

Now the scene between Adrienne, Alex, and Hayden seemed a bit rushed and awkward, and we see Hayden reveal a side of himself that isn't the true him(as far as I can tell from his bio) before we see his actual personality. I could be wrong there, but if I am right I think that might be a poor choice. It lays down a false groundwork that you might have to work to tear up before laying down what you really wanted. 

 

All in all. The chapter was nice. A bit fast paced, but it happens when writing a duel. Keep the coming...but more importantly keep them good. :D

[a bad post]

What Ren, said about the dragon was all I could say was bad about the duel. Also I feel that if Hayden is supposed to be really smart, and the like, then wouldn't ask for there information first, or outsmart them?

 

I do like how you portrayed Adrienne and Alexander's cold bloodedness though. Again the imagery you use is fantastic, and I do feel that I can imagine what a monster looks like, without it being to wordy.

 

If you want help with card balance/situationalness you could ask someone expierenced with the TCG/OCG.

[Saiba Aisu]

Thanks for the comments, guys! As before, I'll address them separately.

[spoiler=~Renegade~]Thanks, I'm glad you liked this portion of the Duel better than the last. I don't think many people were expecting Valerian to play a Burn Water Deck that runs on draw power.. In regards to Deepsea Dragon, I think I got a little confused. Originally I wrote that effect so that Deepsea Dragon could burn "all" players in a multi-player non-team match, but it doesn't seem very practical looking back.. I will definitely look into revising that effect without changing the Duel. Also, Deepsea Dragon negates Effect Damage, not Battle Damage.

Hmm.. I was actually pretty pleased with the scene between Adrienne, Alex, and Hayden, just because it's their first real opportunity for characterization… I think Liselotte mentioned something similar, about Hayden supposedly being super smart but being outwitted so easily. I was planning on explaining this in greater detail later, but I might as well say it now—Hayden is extremely intelligent, yes, but he's all book smarts and no practical knowledge. In other words, he lacks street smarts and most of all, experience interacting with other people. To Hayden, the situation was as simple as a mathematical formula that doesn't account for external influences that can't be coded as integers (such as emotions). In other words, his thinking was along the lines of: put in x amount of information and receive x amount of profit in return. The fact that he doesn't know Alexander or Adrienne personally makes him much more susceptible to being tricked, as well.

Alright, thanks! I'll keep working on Chapter 4 (which I will probably post on Wednesday!) I'll also try to improve.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Liselotte]I've gone ahead and edited the effect of Deepsea Dragon to inflict 1000 damage to the opposing player, rather than to both. Hopefully that will help a little bit…

I addressed the Hayden issue in the above post, if you don't mind reading a bit? I guess it's just another case of me assuming that it would be ok to explain later and the readers getting a bit confused… Sorry about that. Thanks for taking the time to post, I'm glad you enjoyed the imagery!

 

Haha, some of these critiques are really irksome to me.. That's how you know that they're true. Keep up the good work! ^o^[/spoiler]

I'm currently working on Chapter 4, so stay tuned! Hopefully I'll get some more feedback before then from Rinne, Alestaire, Umbra, or Saber.

[Vector Nightmare]

Hm.

 

Well, looks like I have to be the bearer of bad news again, since noone else quite mentioned what I found wrong here.

 

This time I'll start with the good things though, since there was definitely a solid improvement. Characters are beginning to get fleshed out, and I enjoy Daisuke's and Leon's interactions. Certain characters seem to quickly mold into stereotypes though, Alexander and Adrienne especially are pretty standardfare elitist scumbags, though I'm liking Adrienne, partly because of her nationality. Speaking of which, since everyone seems to be coming from a different place, I suggest adding a nationality tab in the character profile section. Which is probably what I should have done back then, too. However, things with Valerian were portrayed properly, we got a decent setup, and a nice duel.

 

Well, we got 75% of a nice duel, which is the problem I was talking about.

 

I had no issues with chapter 2. Valerian is playing a card-count based water deck, with small moves building up to something. Daisuke is playing a Hero deck, seemingly based around combo-centric strategies as is usual with the overall archetype. This is all good, and for Daisuke, this continues into chapter 3 until the end of the duel. However, with Valerian, things go very, very wrong...

 

Simply put, he just switched from card-count based plays to burn out of nowhere, which is really not good. I have no problems with Water-based burn, which was actually acknowledged in the chapter and could've been a great subversion of the "burn=fire" stereotype if executed properly. One of the main issues though is that the cards don't fit thematically with burn at all. There has to be some... synergy between the card's theme and its mechanics, a fact that's sadly often ignored, and here as well. We have a Deepsea Dragon... and absolutely nothing about it suggesting any relation to dealing direct damage, or protecting from it. It's just not something that works, imagery-wise. The same goes with Valerian's assortment of random canonical burn cards. First of all, we have the issue of these cards being flat-out bland, which doesn't mesh well with the effort of designing the rest of his original deck. Then, there's also stark theme contrast. You went through the trouble of giving Valerian a Water-themed burn deck, but then he just uses a bunch of Spell cards that scream FIRE.

 

Also, I'm going to bring up another issue that feels important. We find out Valerian is using some strange form of burn. We never find out why. Quoting a friend of mine here on his guidelines:

 

1. Cards should convey character.

This is the most basic of the basic things anyone writing any card game ever should do. Trading card games are pretty unique in that a player's deck isn't just a tool for playing the game, it's also a potential tool for self-expression. Games like MTG explicitly cater to this player tendency, designing cards specifically meant to tease out players who will use them to establish identity (a good example is actually the current Return to Ravnica block, and its heavy marketing emphasis on the different 'guilds', encouraging players to become involved in the lore and flavor of each pairing and to use both the mechanics of the game and its flavor to establish identities for themselves). While there's no way to convey competitive Yu-Gi-Oh directly through the anime- and it really shouldn't, real duels are often shitty from a dramatic perspective- the anime should make use of this element of the card game. A player's deck should feel like something which suits them, and which organically is connected to their character. You can form these links either through aesthetics or mechanics, but there should be some form of link (preferably both, if you can).

 

Burn is a certain deck type that channels either an underhanded duelist who doesn't care about "playing dirty" (see manipulated!Jonouchi in Battle City), or an extremely brutal aggressive duelist (see Mukuro Enjo in 5Ds). Valerian seems to be neither, from how you portray him. There's no obvious way to tie him in with his burn deck, especially given all its oddities, and you don't cater to giving us one, which makes him feel quite disconnected from his deck. Making matter worse, it's like his deck feels disconnected from itself between the two chapters of the duel, which is unfortunately a pretty serious offense when it comes to duel writing.

 

Also, gotta flat-out note this here. Most of your cards are either balanced, or convoluted enough to be balanced when ignoring the IRL meta. But some are very much not. This, for example:

 

Select 1 Normal Spell Card in your Graveyard. Banish that card and then activate its effect without paying activation costs.

 

No matter what or how, this ISN'T balanced except in a game where all Normal Spell cards are terrible. ESPECIALLY when sending monsters from the deck to the Graveyard is a BENEFIT disguised as a cost. In the same vibe, Drowned Ghoul is also pretty overpowered with all the relevant support it has, and some cards like Revenge of the Serpent Lord can be pretty silly in a 4KLP format. And on the other hand we have cards like Mouse of Deep Water, which are weak in a silly way that makes you wonder why a supposedly competent duelist even bothers to use them.

 

I think that's practically it for now. I can help you to some extent with balancing out custom cards - I'm probably not the best person for the job, but I do have a good feel for it, especially regarding fanfic-style balancing, which is a tad different. I think Deepsea Dragon especially needs an emergency super-nerf of at least removing the quoted effect, because otherwise he becomes pretty much a staple. In every deck. Even decks without Tuners.

[Umbra]

There's a term in writing known as "killing your darlings", which means that you should stop using phrases or words that you use often. I have the words "However" and "Definitely" which find their way into my writing whether or not I want them to. For you, that word is "purring". I'm going to assume that Adrienne is a cat from here on out; it seems more accurate than the biography.

 

The duel seemed unnecessarily chaotic. It's almost like you read the criticism from the last chapter saying that there wasn't enough tension, and then decided to randomly throw in some burn cards just because there needed to be some sort of threat against Daisuke. Of course, he still wins, and Valerian fades off into unimportance for a dozen chapters or so, before becoming a major villain some thirty chapters down the line.

 

I have to say, Caroline Lace is proving to be the only really interesting part of this chapter, and that's only because we haven't actually met her yet. The mystery of the character is interesting, but that's about it. 

 

Sadly, I have to say that this story isn't proving that interesting so far. Well written, sure, probably among the best written on the site, but the story in and of itself is just so bland. I still have faith that you can do it better in the future, but right now I'm skeptic.

[Saiba Aisu]

[spoiler=~ Epic Hero - Saber~]I'm glad you're pleased with the characters' interaction and development—coming from you, that's a big compliment. As of now, Adrienne is definitely more complete as a character than Alexander, just because we've seen more of her personality and the associated thought process. It's only the third chapter, so I ask that you be patient with me as I continue to introduce and develop the characters. I'll look into including the nationality tab, since it is an international boarding school.

And now it's time to tackle the unpleasant stuff—the Duel. I will admit that many of Valerian's cards underwent last minute revisions and were tailored towards the match. I also admit that including such bland burn cards was a cop out of sorts, but only because I didn't see the point in creating custom spell cards with similar / identical effects.. What I was aiming for was a Water/Fire-based imagery, similar to Bastion Misawa from the anime—in other words, combining disparate elements for a striking effect. What I ended up with instead was a total disconnect. And from these comments, it's become increasingly clear that I need to completely rewrite that Duel and many of the respective effects.

I would agree with your friend that cards should reflect personality. It was my goal to portray Valerian's aggressive trash-talking nature without going over the top, but again, I guess I failed in that respect.. I'll definitely dedicate some time to rethinking his Deck from top to bottom (even if it seems like a chore, ugh!!)

In regards to Deepsea Dragon, which everyone seems to hate, I would like to say that you forgot to include the Attribute-based restriction that prevents it from being completely splashable.

In regards to Drowned Ghoul and Revenge of the Serpent Lord… it's just like the anime, there is a certain suspension of reality that needs to be considered (at least in my mind). These cards are so powerful because they are used in a context where they are not overpowered… in other words, "all the relevant support" doesn't really apply, because the character won't be using it. However, I've recently debated the validity of this mentality, because after all, if a card exists then I suppose that the Duelist would do their best to obtain it… Mouse of Deep Water was changed for this match, just to provide an opportunity for Daisuke to inflict some damage. Originally, it didn't switch to DEF Mode and also counted as 2 tributes for a WATER monster…

I'll start working on the reworked version of Valerian's Deck right away. But I think you're exaggerating a bit—Deepsea Dragon isn't a staple in every Deck, because he can only be summoned with WATER monsters and his effect only activates by sending a WATER monster to the Graveyard.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Umbra]I've heard that phrase before.. not sure if it applies in this case since I only used the word "purr" twice in the entire story, and that was probably an accident…? I can go back and edit one of those instances, however..

I did want to include an increased tension in comparison to the previous chapter, but the burn aspect wasn't "randomly thrown in." I gave it some thought, but clearly not enough, and the execution was poor.. I won't pretend that I have any big plans for Valerian in the next few chapters… but he certainly won't become a major villain? I dunno, I think you need to be careful with your insight and assumptions, because it's coming off as overly harsh, like an accusation of being cliche.

And again with Caroline.. Basically you're saying the only reason she's interesting is because she has yet to appear (once she does, it seems likely that I'll ruin her too, I guess?) =/

I'm sorry that you're not enjoying the story and that you find it "just so bland." I'm doing my best to combine lots of different influences and incorporate feedback as I receive it, while releasing chapters at a fairly fast pace. It's also only the third chapter, meaning that I'm still trying to introduce many different characters and environments. Sorry about it, boo. I'll keep trying. *shrug*

So yeah, I apologize for getting defensive, but I think the language you employed in your post is veering on harsh rather than constructive…[/spoiler]

[Synchronized]

I haven't gotten around to writing a full review yet, but I have been reading. 3 was good, and your writing skills are beyond phenomenal.

However, I do agree with Umbra. It lacks substance. There's nothing really "exciting" about the story. It's early on, I'm aware, but it shouldn't feel as bland as it does.

[Umbra]

If it comes across as harsh, that's because there's nothing really constructive to say. The writing itself lacks any noteworthy flaws, but the story itself lacks that draw (pun not intended), that pull, that interesting factor which is supposed to make the story appealing. Right now it's just Joe Goes To Duel Academy #603, with a side-serving of mythological foreshadowing. Give me a reason to care about these characters, give me a reason to think I haven't read this story a hundred times already. 

 

Keeping the readers in the dark about some things is actually a good thing; it adds to that interest I was talking about earlier. By now, we have met most of the main cast, it seems, and we're only three chapters in. We have a clear idea of what everyone wants; information for the upcoming tourney. The way the story's going - I'm looking mainly at the scene with Hayden, the cat and that Raviel Blue guy - it seems like we're going to find out very much about every relevant character quite soon, which takes away that mystery and that intrigue. I guess that's constructive criticism #1: Don't tell the readers everything.

 

The Duel Academy setting has vast potential, with three rivaling houses all vying for recognition and proof of their skill. You have the underdogs that everyone looks down upon, the ones with nothing to lose. You have the middle class, the center of the food chain that both feed on the lowlings and are eaten by the ones higher up, and you have the ruling authority, the top of the line, the Academy's finest. With three factions coming into play, we have a veritable battlefield of power plays and purely political maneuvers that could make the story much richer, much deeper. Right now, we have eight people fighting in a tournament. Constructive criticism #2: Have a dynamic story, not a static one.

 

That leads me onto another point; the characters themselves. In terms of dynamics between, they really bring nothing new to the table. We are three chapters in, and so far I see the same old interactions that I have come to expect. They are generic, and they are dull. They lack that sense of individual characterization that makes them feel like actual people. Apart from Alexander, the male cast so far are nearly indistinguishable from each other, with only small differences. Yes, that includes Daisuke. None of them really stand out. Constructive criticism #3: Give your characters some... character.