[Writing Contest] I hate when things don't end like you octopus

[Ren✧]

Writing Contest

Pen & Sword Lounge Contest

 

In hopes of boosting activity and fostering a constructive, competitive spirit The Pen & Sword Lounge, found in the Clubs & Organizations section, will be hosting creative writing contests. We ask that you, visitors of the Creative Writing subforum, share your opinions and reviews of the following works. Authors will be revealed at the end of the contest, however, the contest will maintain anonymity while voting is underway. We ask that all reviews are respectful, but don't be afraid to point out flaws. That's how we learn! Please only vote for one story, but be sure to include a reason as to voting for that selection. Participants in the contests may vote, but cannot vote for him/herself. Voting will continue until April 12, the work with the most votes will win. 

 

Writing Criteria:

Must write a short story that includes a twist/unexpected ending

 

 

[spoiler=Selection A: Maya Chamberlaine(by DL)]

 

 

Maya Chamberlaine

 

 

            I haven't really traveled much since I was young. Yet here I was, on a plane, spending most of my paycheck. I guess life just surprises you like that sometimes. Or maybe it's just the fact that my girlfriend is addicted to traveling. Yeah, that's probably it.

 

            "Hey," I began, looking vaguely at my girlfriend. "How long is it going to be until we arrive, exactly?"
            She sighed with a small smile. "Well we just took off an hour ago, Daniel, but we should be getting there today."
            "How specific," I said with a chuckle.

 

She swept her smooth dark hair from her forehead and turned her head to the window, staring out at the clouds sorrounding us. I tried to lay my head on the seat to sleep, but when I realized that wouldn't work, I simply took out a video game magazine from my carry-on bag and began flipping through it for the Super Mario Bros. section.

 

            "I'm really excited. I haven't seen my uncle in ages." she exclaimed.

 

            "Wow, ages? I knew you were old, Kat, but not that old."

 

            After having my magazine confiscated, and getting a flick to the forehead, I laid my head back again to rest. It seemed to work this time, because next thing I knew, my girlfriend was shaking me by the shoulder.

 

            "Hey, we're here. Wake up, sleepyhead," she muttered.

 

            More than readily, I got out of my seat and we stepped outside of the plane. After getting out of the airport, I had to blink once or twice. It was really different from the big cities I was used to being in. This was moreso a mix between a tropical forest and the countryside. There were some houses around us, but they were not that complex, and seemed to be made of some kind of wood. Also, the amount of wildlife was surprising. I mean, it wasn't a jungle or anything, but there were more trees around me than I'd seen in the past few years back home.

 

            “So...actual people live here?” I asked, jokingly.

 

            “Of course! Otherwise we wouldn't have come here, duh,” My girlfriend replied, obviously missing my attempt at sarcasm. I smiled at her and gave her a small kiss.

 

            We took a half-hour ride in a tiny taxi, that made noises the entire way, and had to walk into the jungle for another half hour. After getting pecked by some birds, and running from mosquitos, we came upon a rather small town. Most of the houses were small, and made of wood and large leaves. This was even less like back home. It would be more akin to an indian village if anything.

 

 

            I looked at my girlfriend, raising an eyebrow. “When you told me your uncle lives in the countryside...”

 

            “I meant really countryside,” she said, giggling. “I have family from all over the world, so you can't blame me for wanting to visit them from time to time, right?”

 

            “No, but I CAN blame you for taking me along,” I pointed out. “So, where's his...house at?”
            She pointed to the far end of the small town, where I saw a larger hut than the rest. It was adorned with rather nice-looking leaves and had nice colors patterns. She took my hand and led us to it. We entered by pushing aside some leaves hanging in front of the doorway.

 

            “Hello!” A voice called out as soon as we entered, nearly causing me to trip over my own feet.

 

            “Uncle Atu, it's me! Katherine!”

 

            A rather fat, tan man with sunglasses and shorts came into view from another doorway at the end of the room.

 

            “Do my eyes deceive me? Why Kathykat, its been so long!” Atu exclaimed.

 

            “Kathykat?” I muttered.

 

            “It's what most of my family calls me. Don't ask.”

 

            “And who's this?” her uncle asked, looking me up and down.”
            “That's my boyfriend, uncle. I sent you an e-mail saying I hooked up with someone from school a few months ago, remember?”
            “You know I never got the hang of those society sites you're addicted to. Hey, Kathykat, I'd like to talk to you about something...in private. Um, you...Frederick, was it? You can explore my house a bit. Me and my niece will need just a few minutes alone, okay?”

 

            “My name is actually Daniel, and-”

 

            Before I could finish, I was hurried out of the room, and into a hallway that led to two more doors. Upon opening one, I figured out that these people do indeed have bathrooms. The other one led me to a room with some furniture, including a bed. The bedsheets were pulled up, and upon closer inspection, I noticed a girl under the bedsheets. I was about to step back so as not to wake her, when she sat up suddenly.

 

            “Aha!” she exclaimed, her pale blond, almost gray, hair falling over some of her face. She brushed it aside.

 

            “I-uh, sorry?” I said, stuttering. Then, after taking a few seconds to compose myself, I asked. “Do the people in this house enjoy scaring others to death or what?”

 

            “Oh, I'm sorry,” the girl said. “I thought it was my father. I was going to catch him sneaking up on me again...”

 

            I decided to ignore that remark. “So you live here?”
            “That's correct. My name is Maya. Maya Chamberlaine. And what's your name?”
            “I'm Daniel Walker. So...does that mean you're Kat's cousin?”

 

            The girl's pale brown eyes sparkled at the mention of my girlfriend's name. She jumped out of bed, but seemed about to fall after she did so.
            “Are you okay?” I asked, lifting my arms a bit from my sides, ready to catch her.

 

            “Yeah...I'm just a bit sick. I should be in bed, I guess, but it's so boring. My dad is always checking up on me, to make sure I'm laying down. But that's not important. You said Kathykat is here? Really?”
            “She's talking with your father, he said they need to discuss something for a bit, in private.”

 

            She put a finger on her lips, looking up at nothing in particular with a small frown. Then, she turned her gaze to me and smiled. “Hey, in that case, I don't want our guest to be bored. Why don't we have some fun? Follow me!”

 

            I blinked, but before I could reply, she went out the window, her long hair flowing behind her.

 

            “Hey, I really don't think you should be doing that! Come back!” I called after her, then began to chase her down.
            For being sick, this girl could run pretty damn fast. I wasn't a Field-and-Track gold medalist at school, but I played a bit of soccer on weekends, and my pride just couldn't take being outraced by a girl who should be resting in bed.

 

            “We're here!” she said, coming to a halt. I hadn't forseen this sudden stop, and had to switch directions so as not to crash into her. What ended up occuring what that I instead ran facefirst into a rather large tree.

 

            Rubbing my nose, I looked up from the ground. I was wrong, this wasn't just a large tree. It was an enourmous tree.
            “Tired already? Come on, I wanna show you something,” she said, then began scaling the tree.
            Not willing to be defeated twice, I climbed after her, finding it easier than expected. The large number of branches on the tree made climbing rather tiring, but not really all that difficult. She climbed to one of the middle branches and stopped, sitting down on the thick branch. She scooted over a bit and I sat down next to her, trying to catch my breath.

 

            “Look ahead,” she said.

 

            I shifted my eyes to directly in front of me, and saw that on this particular spot, from the angle you get while sitting on this branch, there is a rather large gap in the leaves. Being this close to her, I also noticed Maya was breathing heavily.

 

            “Hey, you seem exhausted. Are you sure you should have done that?” I asked, frowning.

 

            Maya shook her head. “Don't worry about me. I just wanted to show you this. I knew that if I didn't run as fast as I did, you would catch me and take me back home.”
            “We could have gone at an easier pace for you...dummy,” I said, looking at the gap in the leaves, watching the clouds slowly go by.

 

            She smiled and laid her head on my shoulder, causing me to flinch a bit, but I decided to let her stay there. She was tired after all.

 

            “Dad is always worrying about me. It's because I've been sick for so long. Sometimes I hear him crying at night. We don't even talk much anymore.”
            “I thought you said he sneaks into your room often?” I asked.
            “He does. But he always leaves before I get to talk to him. So I wanted to catch him before he left. Sorry for startling you,” she muttered, twirling a lock of hair on her finger.

 

            “Don't worry about it. I'm sure he really cares about you, and you'll be able to talk to him a lot soon enough. Just wait until you get better, okay?”
            “What if I don't?” she questioned, hugging my arm tight. “What if I don't get better? What if I'm sick forever?”
            I gave her the most reassuring smile I could. “Trust me, you'll get better. And then you and your dad will get to spend lots of time together.”

 

            Her lip began to quiver a bit, and she shut her eyes. “You promise?”
            “Yeah,”

 

            We watched the sunset through the hole in the leaves. The orange light slowly fading, being replaced by dark blue. Not a single word was shared after that exchange, we just sat there, with her hugging my arm. Before we knew it, night was upon us, and the full moon shone brightly. I looked at her, her pale skin having a hint of blue due to the moonlight.

 

            “Hey Maya, we should be getting back soon, don't you think?” I asked.

 

            “Yeah...don't worry, we'll go back. Thank you so much for accompanying me to this place. Did you...enjoy it?”

 

            “It was amazing. Way better than any view I could get in my hometown, that's for sure. It really was great spending the evening with you here, thanks for showing me around. And...you know, for getting me some exercise as well.”
            She giggled quietly and smiled at me, a single tear running down her moonlit face. She leaned over and before I knew it, our lips met. I pulled back due to shock, looking into her eyes. She looked at me intently for a moment, then smiled again.

 

            “Thank you.”

 

            The walk back was silent, and Katherine and her uncle didn't even notice us when we got back, as they were both asleep. I said goodnight to Maya and laid down on the couch. Next morning, I woke up with a feeling of something on my lips. I opened my eyes, and saw Katherine, raising her head. She smiled at me.

 

            “Calling your name didn't wake you up so I figured a kiss would.”
            “Well that's certainly a creative way to wake me up. What's going on?”
            “We're leaving. Our plane leaves later today, and I still have someone I want to visit. Where were you last night by the way?”
            “Oh, I was with Maya...” I said hesitantly, briefly reminded of the kiss we shared.

 

            Katherine's eyes widened. “Daniel, that's not...Maya is dead. My uncle told me she passed away two weeks ago.

[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Selection B: The Light(by Stoned Hina)]

It was a cloudy, windy day. A musky atmosphere shrouded Amanda’s backyard as she skipped along it, following Rex, her pet dog. The wind made the grass dance, which from a bird’s-eye view looked like ocean waves away from the shore, as Amanda laughed and Rex playfully barked with the same feeling of joy. The yard was fairly large for a little girl to be running around in, but Amanda felt protected, as the neighborhood was fairly quiet and deserted of criminals.

“Wait, Rex, wait up!” Amanda laughed with glistening eyes as she continued to gallop across the yard towards Rex, who was running away from her with a ball in his mouth, “I wanna throw it for you!” Rex only barked at her, which caused him to drop the ball on the ground. He immediately bolted to grab it, but Amanda caught up with him and grabbed him so that she was able to grab the ball. As she pulled it away from him, slobber stretched out and dropped to the ground.

“Ewww, Rex, that’s gross!” Rex only barked again, and Amanda laughed in response, “Okay, Rex, fetch!” She lobbed it as Rex turned around to start running in its direction, only to be stopped by a fence. Rex whimpered at the idea of being blocked as the ball continued to fall behind it. Amanda frowned, “Aw, I’m sorry, Rex. Can you jump over it and get it?”

Rex perked up and wagged his tail faster, running toward Amanda and turning around, setting for a run, “Go, Rex!” Rex bolted forward into a full-on sprint. The top of the fence was eyed like a hawk as he sprung his legs to jump as high as he could, enough to clear what he thought was the top of the fence. Just as he was at the peak of the jump, Amanda hesitated to cheer another time before she turned her head to see a mound of dirt by the fence. Along one of its sides was a stone with “Rex” engraved on the side. Amanda turned her sight back to Rex, whose jump was underestimated as he crashed into the top of the fence and dematerialized into dust.

Amanda could not do anything except look at where Rex used to be before he cleared the fence. For several seconds, her mind went blank as she fell to her knees. The emptiness that she felt flooded with sadness as she choked up and broke into tears that drove her to lay face-down on the grass and let the ground soak them up. From behind, she could hear footsteps crunching the ground. Amanda looked up to see a beautiful woman with her face blocking the sun, giving off an ecliptic aura.

“M-Mommy!” Amanda cried, “Rex is gone! Why is Rex gone?” The woman reached her hand down to Amanda. Amanda reached up to grab it only to be pulled up to her feet. Her other hand wiped her eye dry as she wrapped her arms around her mom’s leg, pressing her face against it while shedding more tears.

“It’s okay, Amanda, dear,” Amanda’s mom said, patting Amanda’s head as she wept, “But you don’t call your father by his first name, okay?”

Amanda looked up at her, “Dad? But what about our dog, Rex? He’s gone!”

“Amanda, sweetheart, we never had a dog.” Amanda paused as she turned around to look at where the dog used to be. She looked back at her mother with a shocked and confused look on her face that was drenched in tears, “But… but, he was right there…”

“Honey, you were only imagining things.” Amanda was downright stunned by hearing this from her mother. While their hands were locked together, Amanda yanked hers from her mother’s and ran towards the mound that stood as Rex’s grave. She stood next to it, staring at the gravestone that had Rex’s name on it. Her mother walked up to her and put a hand on her shoulder.

“See, mommy?” She pointed at the stone, “Rex is right here!” Amanda looked back up at her mother’s face, seeing her sigh and shake her head. Amanda cried louder, “Rex is real!” She shook two fists up and down like she was shaking maracas, jumping up and down with her eyes squinted and squirting out more tears.

“Amanda, you mustn’t throw a temper like that.” Her mother began to grow frustrated, which only made Amanda yell even louder and stomp even harder.

“REX IS REAL! REX IS REAL!” A slap came across Amanda’s face, sending her to the ground. She propped herself up with her dirty palms that were implanted with dirt from the fall, crying more from the pain. She looked back up at her mother, again, shocked, “Mommy… why… why would you DO that?”

“Quit acting like a baby!” Her voice was vile and snarly as she wore a look of disgust and anger, “I’m tired of you being such a brat! UGH! I wish you were never born!” She wound up her wrist for another slap, but the slap never came as a gunshot was heard. Amanda was braced for impact, only to open her eyes to see her mother dematerializing in front of her with her last image of her with a gunshot hole in her head. She looked to her side to see a man with a pistol aimed at where her mother used to be. As he lowered it, he looked at Amanda with sympathy.

“Amanda, my darling…”

“D-Daddy?” Amanda’s sadness turned to happiness as she ran towards the man, who gladly accepted her with open arms. As they embraced, her dad lifted her up and twirled her around. Her laugh made him smile as he set her down while still in an embrace, “Daddy, I’m scared!” Tears returned to her eyes as her dad wiped them away from his shirt.

“It’s okay, sweetheart, I’m here.” His voice was soothing and touching, “I’m sorry you had to hear all those things that that woman said.”

“Mommy was so mean, daddy!” She continued to weep as she pressed her head against her dad’s chest, who cupped his hand around the back of her head and nestled her with his chin.

“No, sweety, your mother would never be so mean to you.”

“But she WAS, daddy!”

“Darling, that wasn’t your mother.” Amanda looked at him with another look of shock, not believing what she was hearing. No words came from her. All she could do was listen to her father continue to speak, “Your mother died a long time ago. It’s only been me and you before the accident.”

Amanda sniffled, “W-what accident, daddy?”

“Sweety, listen to me…” his voice began to fade away as everything around Amanda turned black and empty. Her dad called out to her as his image backed away and faded with the environment. She looked back at the grave, seeing that the stone remained but the mound was transparent, revealing the body beneath it. It was a human skeleton that was holding a red piece of construction paper that read “I LUV YOU DADDY.” The message on the paper struck Amanda like a spear to her heart as she turned back around to hear the deafening sound of a truck approaching her at an incredible speed. Brakes could be heard as the last sound she heard before everything went to black was a crash. At this moment, Amanda hovered in nothingness, feeling nothing, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, and thinking nothing.

After what felt like an eternity passed, Amanda could feel as if she was moving through a narrow tunnel. She could feel herself exist again, but her senses were minimal. Her thoughts restarted. Her voice could only come out in the form of squeals that were barely hearable. Voices from outside echoed in her mind as a light at the end of the tunnel slowly grew bigger and bigger.

“PUSH, HONEY! PUSH!” The voices continued as the sound of a woman screaming in agony engulfed Amanda until she finally realized that she was not Amanda anymore. Everything about her past self vanished and began anew as the light was within reach. Her head slowly went through it. At first all she could see was white, but her eyesight slowly developed for her to see what looked like a hospital room. Her head rested on what felt like rubber, and she watched as several people watched her come out of the tunnel with eyes lit up, “IT’S CROWNING! YOU’RE DOING GREAT, HONEY!”

At last, the baby was completely out of the tunnel and immediately started wailing a rough, raspy cry, summoning praise from everyone in the room. A towel was wrapped around her as one of the men in the room frantically shouted, “IT’S A GIRL!” The baby let the towel warm her and sooth her to a peaceful sleep as she was handed over to the lady lying on the bed. The lady’s eyes lit up at the sight of the baby in her arms as the same man from before watched from beside the bed.

“What should we name her, sweetheart?” The lady said to her husband.

“Amanda.” He immediately replied.

[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Selection C: Countdown(by Anonymous)]

Damien glanced down at his wrist, taking note of the luminous green numbers that slowly ticked away. The Heart’s Clock, so they called it. Damien had never put much stock into love. When he was born, his clock had been set. By who? No one knew. No one ever questioned. Why was that? Well…because it was never wrong.

 

From birth, Damien’s clock had been set at the high end of normal. 25 years, 7 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 3 hours, 52 minutes, and 12 seconds. He had watched his friends throughout high school happen upon their one true love. Soul mates, they would say, and Damien would just scoff. They were only acting, so he would tell himself. They were just playing the part because they were expected. There was no way that something could be as accurate as to predict the exact moment when a person’s perfect match would cross their path. Damien would just tell himself that those people were simply caught up in the moment, they were expectant to find love so they did where there was none.

 

But now that his clock was finally nearing its zero hour, he began to wonder if he had only said those things to reassure himself. If maybe, he had completely discounted it all so as to make himself feel better for having to wait. Damien began to wonder if maybe today would finally be his day, and as soon as he began to let himself wonder, his imagination took him away.

 

Who would his true love be? Perhaps a super model? Or a ballet dancer? Damien was steadfast on the idea that she would be blonde. He had always loved the sight of cascading golden locks in high school. Damien’s heart began to beat faster as he imagined his perfect girl. Tall, no doubt, and she would be athletic. Perhaps with a nice, natural tan. She would have blue eyes, but not striking blue. They would be blue like the ocean. A color somewhere caught between blue, green, and grey. They would be eyes that alluded to an intellectual depth that her blonde hair often hid.

 

She would have a laugh that caught the air and carried far. It would turn the heads of people that heard and catch them by surprise as it forced a smile upon their own lips. She would dress classy, always preferring to look like she was on her way to a formal party or a business meeting, instead of the run down sweats that marked a trip to the grocery store.

 

Yet, despite her striking appearance, she would be somewhat reserved. She would be content to curl up on the couch, snuggled into Damien’s warm embrace, and read a book or watch a movie. She would like the quiet of an evening just watching the stars, or a walk amongst the trees. She would be perfect.

 

Damien quickly caught himself as he had prepared to let out a swooning sigh. Here he was, a soldier in the fight against romance, and he was picturing his dream girl. He rolled his eyes at the very notion. He had been right all along. People simply got caught up in the moment. Love wasn’t somehow set by the incomprehensible green numbers that people were born with. Love was an emotion. And emotions could not be so easily controlled.

 

Besides it was three in the morning, nearly four, in the middle of summer. Who the Hell was he going to meet at a time like this?

               

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! The sound caused Damien to jump. He had been so wrapped up in himself that he hadn’t noticed the flash of headlights or the rumble of an engine that would mark the arrival of someone at his house. However, now snapped out of his own delusions, he took note of all those things.

               

“Who could be here at such an ungodly hour?” He said, nervously checking his clock to see if maybe there really was something to this Heart’s Clock business. But alas, no. The clock still read that there was fourteen minutes and fifteen seconds to go. Merely a coincidence.

               

Damien jumped out of bed, where he had been laying all night trapped in his thoughts. He lazily walked to his front door, dressed in a sleeveless night shirt and a pair of boxers. He looked through his peep hole, but the darkness of the night hid whoever was at his door. He contemplated flicking on the outside lights, but shook off the idea.

               

Unlocking the door, he opened it up. Damien was immediately hit by the cold air. The chill caught him by surprise, actually causing him to step back before taking note of who was at his door. Standing before him was a stunning red-headed girl. She had a fair complexion, the bridge of her nose dotted with the occasional freckle. Her eyes were a sapphire blue and shone clearly with intelligence. She was a bit short, probably not above 5’4” or 5’5”.

               

Her attire made Damien feel slightly embarrassed to be answering the door in his underwear. She wore a form-fitting black dress that stopped an inch or two above her knees. She wore a string of pearls around her neck and diamond ear rings that reflected the dull light of the full moon overhead. “Uh…um…can I help you?” Damien stammered out, realizing that he had been staring at the girl for quite some time.

              

  “Well you see,” she started, her voice soft, yet sharp, as she looked Damien in the eye, “my car blew a tire and I was just barely able to get it into your driveway. I don’t suppose that you would be able to help me, would you?” She asked.

             

“Um…uh…yeah sure.” Damien stuttered out. He didn’t see the harm in helping out this stunning young girl.

               

“Great!” She exclaimed, clapping her hands together, “I’m Sophia, by the way.” She said, holding out her hand.

               

“Damien.” He replied, giving her hand a shake before moving aside to let her in. “Why don’t you come inside while I grab a pair of shoes and some tools?” Sophia graciously accepted his offer, stepping into his home.

               

“So, uh, what’s with the, um, fancy dress?” Damien stammered, as he disappeared for a moment to retrieve his tool box and a pair of working shoes from the garage.

               

“My friend and I were just coming back from a party.” Sophia said.

               

“Friend?” Damien inquired, having retrieved his tools and now followed Sophia out to where her car sat in Damien’s drive way.

               

“Yeah, Taylor is waiting out in the car.” Sophia said as the two approached the disabled automobile. Damien absent-mindedly checked his clock and realized that he had less than a minute left. This Taylor could very well be his dream girl.

               

Even though Damien had spent the better part of the night talking himself out of the idea that his life could be so predetermined he felt a little anxious.

               

As Damien and Sophia neared the car, he saw the door open and a figure stepped out. Damien tried to get a good look at Taylor, but he couldn’t make out much. Although he was sure that he had caught a glimpse of blonde hair.

               

“Hi,” the figure said. Damien was slightly confused at the sound. “I’m Taylor, thanks for helping us out.” Damien, dumbfounded, shook Taylor’s hand as he stood totally perplexed by the situation. How could this be?

               

“I like your boxers. Batman is a favorite of mine.” The blonde headed man said. He fixed Damien with a look that revealed to Damien that his clock too had just hit zero. “Th-thanks.” Damien said, his voice slightly higher than normal. Taylor stood in the full light of the car’s headlights now. He wore a slightly shy smile and his oceany-blue eyes had returned to their downcast position after fixing Damien with that look. He had removed his suit jacket, revealing a slightly wrinkled white shirt that clung tightly to his well muscled body.

               

“You okay, dude?” Sophia asked from the side, not understanding the sudden heaviness of the situation.

               

The two stood in silence, just staring at each other. So which side of Damien’s internal conflict was right? Was the Heart’s Clock just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo? Or did he just meet his true love? A man? …he didn’t understand…

 

 

[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Selection D: What a Wonderful Life(by Broke N]

You know, at times like this: I often find it good to reflect on things a little. You know, life, what you did, from what you made yourself. Knowing the root is the best way to know the cause after all. Ah yes, I remember this life quite well.

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I remember quite well spending my early life in such a small little, what’s the word? Ah yes, rustic… a rustic little town. It was made of a few streets, one for shops, a few for housing and of course the road that lead to the drive-in. They were all the rage back then.

I remember my papi taking me there once to see War of the Worlds, boy, back then it sure was impressive. Or, was it War of the Worlds? No, that came earlier, what was it then? Argh, this is going to kill me trying to remember it. Oh well, it’s not that important really. OH WAIT! It was The Producers by Mel Brooks, funny man Mel, so much lovely anti-Nazi stuff, affectionately course.

Heh, side-tracked. Oh, I do love the many paths of Memory Lane. This town of mine was certainly quite lovely, as I recall. Little houses, all in pretty rows. Yellows, blues, whites, these were the sorts of houses you’d see on a postcard from ‘The Perfect Town’. Oh, the flowers too, yes, the flowers. The housewives all loved to garden, and they would compete to see who could grow the prettiest flower by the end of the year.

Mrs. Patrick I believe would win with her roses, except that one year where someone cruelly cut her roses down. It was so sad, seeing those cut stalks, knowing they were so beautiful… well, I was a kid of course, I didn’t care back then. But, when I got older I could see it was a big deal. Aside from that incident, all the housewives got along happily, occasionally playing cards over at one of their houses once a week. When my mami held the games, the lovely Miss Kurt would teach me to play the games as well, though mami didn’t approve. I’ll never forget when I finally won a pot. To bad we weren’t betting then, but, that’s always when you win really.

Ahhh, upon reflecting, I could still remember the smells from that town. It was, a mix of dust and sneezes, which, isn’t that nice, but, we liked it anyways. The store was run by a black- ah, negro man. Mami and papi never liked it when I used the b-word, and the n-word. I didn’t know what the n-word was until much later, either way, nice man Mr. Diblyn. He would sometimes give me a block of chocolate if I delivered an order to old Mrs. Henderson. She was kinda creepy, and she smelled like mothballs… to this day I still don’t know what a mothball smells like, but, I was sure that’s what she smelled like. That was another smell you noticed in a small town like ours.

Aside from the shop, we also had a mechanic run by an Italian man, at least, I think he was. There was also a blacksmith that was used to shoe horses. I found them funny, since they weren’t like my shoes. But, I figured it was just because horses would look silly wearing sneakers, though, I thought they’d run faster if they did wear them.

My family was great, they really were. My papi was a strong man with a thick moustache, so thick I could swear he was hiding things in it. That was, until that day when he shaved it. It scared me to death to find a strange man suddenly walk into the kitchen. My younger sister was scared too, she almost cried. He worked in the farmlands, where he worked on all the machinery, he was an engineer. He always came home smelly, which my sister and I pointed out… a lot. He didn’t find it very funny, and just told us he was tired. Mami would then shoo us away as she brought him a cold beer. Ah, mami. She was a strong lady too, and some of my friends said she had a nice rack. They were a little perverted, even at the age of seven.

She was certainly strong lady, and fierce to. She knew how to raise her kids right. She certainly whipped me and my sister into shape, in that no-nonsense way. But, she knew when to be kind as well. Whenever I felt in peril, I could always remember her soft sky blue eyes, and I knew everything was alright, even though it wasn’t. She also made the best apple pie around, no one could beat the way she crisped her crust, and how gooey the insides were. I swear, every time I think of her, I can still remember the sweet smell of her pie.

My sister, oh boy that little terror. She followed in my footsteps and became a trouble maker. We had such fun pranking people, harmlessly of course. The whoopee cushion was out greatest tool for mischief, and we could always sneak them into even the most dignified dinner. I remember when my teacher came over, boy, did we get her good with our best whoopee cushion. We called it the Zephyr. Course, as we got older, I lost my partner in crime as she noticed boys and famous stars of rock. I felt like I lost my best friend when she strayed from my path.

Yes, time was a cruel thing. As I grew older, things changed around our little town. People came, people left. Mrs. Henderson had a heart attack and passed in the night. We all wore black and held the funeral in her garden, as she wanted to be buried along the flowers she tended to so well. It was, rather weird to say, that I found my first love at that funeral.

See, I didn’t hang around Mrs. Henderson much, so, I didn’t meet her family. The funeral was the serendipity needed for me to meet my first love, at the tender age of sixteen. I saw her from across the garden, and time froze in my heart when I saw her. Sweet Cindy Lou. My sweet caramel haired Cindy Lou. Mmmmm.

She had the silkiest hair you’d ever seen, and it hung off her like the carefully grown branches of a bonsai tree. There were the cute little bangs that hung off her forehead on the right. And the way it pooled on her shoulders like an elegant silk scarf. She had such soft eyebrows that guarded her proud brow. Her eyes were soft like a puppies, with a deep chestnut colour that you could be lost in. Ah, and she had an adorable little nose, with a slight bump at the end. And then, her most enchanting feature: The little pools of freckles on her cheeks that lit her face up so. Ooh they drove me crazy.

Against all odds, and my heart beating like an engine; I beat them back and approached her. I made a good first impression on her, even though she was tearful over her great aunt. I managed to guide her away and console her in the gazebo of the house. It was sleazy, but, it wasn’t my intention to take advantage of her weakened state. No, no, maybe I was just following all those stories on the TV. You know, the ones where the man works on it slowly, until she warms up to him in a stirring conclusion.

It didn’t take that long, and she agreed to a date with me the next week, when she would be less distraught. That date, oh yes, that date. I took her to the fields in the farmlands, and she hung so close to me. Not because it was romantic, but because she was deathly afraid of snakes. But, it didn’t matter much to my twitterpated brain; it was a win for this gentleman.

We dated for several years, and we broke up a few times over the silliest things. But, our passion would bring us together again and again. Our greatest triumph was during the barn dance to celebrate the newest barn the town worked so hard to erect. It was built after a fire swept through and destroyed half the farm. Thankfully, no one was hurt, nor were any animals either. It was sad, but, as the new barn showed, material things could be renewed. But that’s not what’s important to this memory.

During the barn dance, our hearts beating so fast as the music played and we danced together. The heat, the excitement, the energy. It was all too much for us. On a whim, I leaned in close and our lips locked in passion. My coarse lips against her sweet and glossy pillows. It was a heaven for us that lasted an eternity, even though it was really fifteen seconds. But, that wasn’t the triumph, no no. Later that night, as our passion grew, we snuck out from the dance into the cold night air. We talked and walked amongst the hay, until Cindy Lou procured a curious idea, since we were at the age. I was nervous, I truly was. But, I had to be a man, I had to show courage. We both lay down in the hay, and ten minutes later, after some instruction, I deflowered Miss Cindy Lou.

That was such a triumphant memory, it truly was. Ooooh, maybe that’s what my life could have been like, had I been, him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My delusion- no, my euphoria was wearing off now, and to my disgust, I remembered where I was. I was standing in a dingy parking lot underneath a cruel and uncaring night sky. And there’s me beneath it. Me, in a dirty grey open hoodie jacket, long jeans and a stained black shirt. At least my sneakers were new, got them in a sale. Only twenty bucks, which was good, for the brand. But, even with the newness of my shoes, I grimly cast my gaze onto my surroundings, but they served nothing to my mood. There was nothing but tall buildings that selfishly reached for the sky, despite the fact that they’ll never reach it. The street nearby was empty, devoid of all life and lit by only one streetlight. The rest? Broken. The parking lot I was in was connected to the closest selfish bastard of a building. It’s purpose? No clue… ah yes, that reminds me.

On the ground in front of me was a collapsed body in a black suit. Who is he? I have no idea. Though, from what I gather, he’s just another corporate type. A meaningless cog in yet another corporate mechanism. It was a real fancy black suit too, that is, aside from the red patch in the small of his back. Why was it red? Oh yes, because I stabbed him, didn’t I?

Still clenched tightly in my gloved hand was a large kitchen knife, with a lovely wooden handle. It was still dripping with the ichors of this man. Drip… one… two… three… four… drip. Not that I could hear the drips on this empty concrete slab. Why did I kill him though? Because he was there, really. You know, I do find it funny how introspective I get after killing someone. I don’t know why, but I just love inventing stories for those mounds of flesh, maybe to guess what kind of life they lived, or, more than likely, to escape my own. I don’t really, hate my life, per say. I just despise this reality.

This, city, even if you could call it that, since, honestly, I rather prefer tomb or coffin. Tall buildings that serve no purpose to better humanity; housing hundreds of people who scurry around like ants in an ant farm. All trapped, all contained… no escape. Cars that clog the roads, filling our skies with the diseased smoke that chokes the life out of you. People, everywhere people. All trapped inside humanity, imprisoned by what we call civilization; though, as one could, you could hardly call it civilized.

I could do without it, yet, I’m stuck here. A rat stuck in a maze that has no exits. I could end it all, oh yes, I could. Many times have I put that knife to my throat, to slit it, to release my life and set it free. But, each time, my hand faltered, my wrist locked. I couldn’t do it, no, that would just be running from the problem. And what is the problem? Honestly, I don’t know. I just know there is one. When something’s wrong, there’s always a problem causing it. Hmmm?

Oh, fancy that. I just noticed that our little faceless cog here is wearing a fat golden band on his right hand, on the ring finger. Crouching down, I lightly prod at it with my knife. Ooops, punctured his finger. Oh well, he’s lost plenty of blood tonight, a little more won’t kill him. But, that ring. He must belong to someone, a fair haired blonde with a bigger cupsize than IQ? Or maybe, a brainy brunette? Who knows, maybe, it was the fair Cindy Lou herself. I don’t know, and honestly… I don’t care. No doubt she’ll want that ring as a memento, and it is rather nice. But, what do I have need for a wedding ring? Course, it would be too easy to just leave it there. Hmmm.

Ahh, in my wake, I’ve come with a glorious solution. Carefully aiming my knife, and, with the skill learned from that two hour cooking class, I chop downwards with my blade. Hmph, that, usually works. I only got halfway through the fingers, before those pesky bones stop me. Blasted calcium deposits, but, they won’t stop me. Gliding back and forth, my blade cuts against the bone, deeper, deeper. Splintering, cutting, breaking. It was good that I sharpened my knife before I went out, as it takes me a full five minutes to slice through that accursed bones. I sigh, knowing that I should’ve gone for the joints instead of trying to chop. I just love chopping, I so do. I should have chopped salad for lunch. Lunch? Maybe finger salad? Heh heh heh, oh, I do so crack myself up.

Crack? Oh yes, the finger. I claim his ring finger and inspect with minor detail. It was certainly quite worn, no doubt from pen pushing, though, his nails are rather nice. Maybe I should’ve asked for his technique before he died. Oh well, the more you learn.

My old bones groan as I push myself back up to standing, but now, what do I do with this finger? Obviously I’m not keeping it, only a sick and depraved person would keep human parts as trophies. There’s not much around in terms of placement. I could shove it down his throat, but that would hardly be original. Giving more thought, I just decide it would be more amusing to toss it down the storm drain. Rats breed in their, you know. The police would have to comb the sewers for it. That would be such a wonderful game of cat and mouse, with me standing aloft as the dog.

With the finger placed into a hefty drop of a drain, I returned my weapon to its hold that I keep just before my rear. I’d keep it in my pocket, but that’s neither safe nor clean, blood is a b***h to get out after all. I sigh again to the empty air, then regard my watch. It was seven minutes to three, my word, was it late.

Without even a glance to my new friend, I wonder off into the uncaring city, with only one thought on my mind: I wondered if there was a twenty-four seven McDonalds around here. I could kill for a coffee right now.

[/spoiler]

 

Winner: Selection D, Broke N

[DL]

Im planning to read these but...

 

uh....

 

..

 

 

Isnt there gonna be a poll?

[Ren✧]

Im planning to read these but...

 

uh....

 

..

 

 

Isnt there gonna be a poll?

 

Just cast the vote in your comment. Putting a poll means we won't get feedback from the votes. Also, since there haven't been any votes cast, another entry has been submitted...albeit a bit late

[Aix]

Vote goes to Selection D.

 

Selection A: Cheating with a Ghost has a rather unoriginal and bland twist and creates a loose end of sorts to achieve it by making the girlfriend's uncle have a great and suspicious need for a private talk with his niece just so that the main character can be alone. What Maya did seemed forced, at least insufficient explanation was given for how she acted in my opinion, and also if she seems to have a happy relationship with Kat as implied by the way her eyes sparkled at the mention of Kat's name, she doesn't attempt at all to see Kat again and she doesn't ask who Daniel is or what Daniel's relationship with Kat was at all and going on ahead to kiss him. Much more insight should have been given on Maya.

 

Selection B: Amanda is some sort of mind screw that I don't understand at all so I can't say I liked it. Personal Opinionated Advice: Don't write mind screws.

 

Selection C: Plot Twist - I'm Gay was amusing but relied too heavily on an ill-defined device and felt lacking. There was just the twist and that was it.

 

Selection D: Random Flashback had a good twist which I quite enjoyed and there was nothing I could particularly fault it with.

[Ren✧]

Vote goes to Selection D.

 

Selection A: Cheating with a Ghost has a rather unoriginal and bland twist and creates a loose end of sorts to achieve it by making the girlfriend's uncle have a great and suspicious need for a private talk with his niece just so that the main character can be alone. What Maya did seemed forced, at least insufficient explanation was given for how she acted in my opinion, and also if she seems to have a happy relationship with Kat as implied by the way her eyes sparkled at the mention of Kat's name, she doesn't attempt at all to see Kat again and she doesn't ask who Daniel is or what Daniel's relationship with Kat was at all and going on ahead to kiss him. Much more insight should have been given on Maya.

 

Selection B: Amanda is some sort of mind screw that I don't understand at all so I can't say I liked it. Personal Opinionated Advice: Don't write mind screws.

 

Selection C: Plot Twist - I'm Gay was amusing but relied too heavily on an ill-defined device and felt lacking. There was just the twist and that was it.

 

Selection D: Random Flashback had a good twist which I quite enjoyed and there was nothing I could particularly fault it with.

 

Thank you for the vote and feedback! :D

 

A: 0

B: 0

C: 0

D: 1

[Agro]

Im glad mine was ...

And you're telling everyone which one yours is in an anonymously decided contest... why?

[DL]

No one ever told me it was anonymous.

 

Besides it would only cause bias to someone voting for or agaisnt me

 

But I dont much care about voting as much as about sharin my story.

[Ren✧]

No one ever told me it was anonymous.

 

 Authors will be revealed at the end of the contest, however, the contest will maintain anonymity while voting is underway. 

 

[Aix]

Whatever I'll just hide the post until the contest is over.

[Ren✧]

Selection A: I would have to agree with Aix that the 'she's dead' twist takes away from the story as a whole. Even with the five page limit that restricts the development of the characters, there aren't too many situations where I feel like I could appreciate an ending like this. The scenery was interesting, as were the original two characters, however the lack of depth we find in the uncle is unappealing. 

 

Selection B: Interesting concept, however it was a little hard to follow. I realize that it was probably a tricky chain of events to work with, however; when you force the reader to go back and make sense of things before finishing the story, I feel like it takes away from the appeal. I would suggest adding more depth to the obviously traumatic experiences that happened to this girl in her past life...unless of course it was glimpse as to what was going to happen to this girl, but still more depth is needed. Again, I realize that the five page limit becomes a problem, but quality is preferable to quantity. Meaning you could cut out the whole bit with Rex as a whole and really focus on the death of her father and whatnot.

 

Selection C: I enjoyed the dynamic, but you didn't do a great job of establishing it. By doing so you made the writing device come off as a bit cheesy and contrived. I also felt you could have done more to set the scene, as there wasn't much imagery that caught. I did find your twist to be the most enjoyable, however the build up could use some work. 

 

Selection D: The twist, while not as enjoyable or amusing as the above piece, still caught me by surprise. If there was more room to write, I definitely would have liked to get some more background to the character. I felt the last few sentences to be forced, building up to the last pun. I say just forgo that part in general. Everything else was very well done. Kudos :D

 

My vote goes to Selection D! 

[Catterjune]

[b]Selection A:[/b]

Once when I was young, I wrote a story about ghosts, so I admit I have a bit of bias (either for or against) ghost stories. In my opinion, ghosts should exist "for a reason". There's something they still wanna show people, or tell the, or they're trying to protect something.

So some guy and his girlfriend are on a plane to wherever. They arrive at her uncle's house. Boyfriend meets Cousin. Cousin and boyfriend have adventures. Boyfriend wakes up the next morning. PLOT TWIST!  Cousin was dead the whole time.

Just feels like the least imaginative ending to a story ever. I mean, I get that she's dead and there was proper set up, but it just feels like "why?". What's the point of Cousin being dead all along? She didn't try to teach them a lesson or show them anything and as far as we can tell Boyfriend didn't become a better person from this.

I don't know if there was a space limit, but if there was you probably could have cut all that cutsie crap on the plane and on their way through the jungle. Just start it with Boyfriend and Girlfriend walking into Uncle's home and then establish why COusin was dead and the reason her spirit has not yet moved on.

Like... it's a twist, just not that great.

[b]Selection B:[/b]

I liked it a lot actually. It felt like the set up to some kind of horrifying nightmare, and I mean that in the best possible way. We open with a girl playing with her dog, but suddenly her dog turns to ash and a grave appears. She thinks it's the grave of her dog. Mother insists it's the grave of her Father and badgers Daughter for being so disrespectful. Father appears and shoots Mother. Daughter gets hit by a truck or something and dies. She is then reborn as a baby.

The "problem" I guess, is that the ending is not really a twist, because pretty much everything was a plot twist. The instant the dog turns to dust and she begins sobbing at her dog/dad's grave, we know something's not quite right. I mean, the point of a plot twist is to explain or give reason to the events we just saw. We saw a lot of nonsense (in the good way, don't get me wrong) but never really found out what was doing on. Was she in limbo? Was her father having a nightmare about her future? Did Amanda die and was she reborn? We don't know.

And a good plot twist shouldn't leave their audience to just throw the hands in the air and say "I give up!"

Honestly, I liked the set up of the story and would very much like to read more of it, or more in a similar style, or a continuation, or other works by this writer. HOWEVER, it's not really a fit for a "Plot Twist" contest. If the contest was to write stories about zombies, and you wrote a swashbuckling tale of pirates on the high seas, no matter how well and inspired you wrote it, I kinda don't feel it would be appropriate to hand it in the winning title for a Zombie Writing contest.

And here, I don't think it'd be appropriate to hand Selection B the title for winner of a Plot Twist Writing Contest.


[b]Selection C:[/b]

I enjoyed this one. It was written well and I have no real complaints against it. The ending was a bit predictable with the gender-neutral name, but... what can ya' do?


[b]Selection D:[/b]

I feel this one suffers from the problems of the second one. Namely, while it's an intersting read and I enjoyed the writing style and the "Here lemme tell you a story" tone of voice, it wasn't really true to the theme. It was about a plot twist, and rather than a plot twist it just seemed like two completely unrelated stories. One about a guy and his old small town, then suddenly some jerk who was a creepy murderer.


It was a good story over all, but it wasn't so much a "Plot Twist" as much as it was a complete Plot Reboot. It was like reading a story about Sherlock Holmes or something and then suddenly it goes "No no no, actually that wasn't me at all. I'm Harry Potter and we're about to read about my adventures at Hogwarts." Just comes right the fuck out of nowhere, and the plot isn't "enriched" by having the twist.


---

I feel a proper plot twist should either make you rethink or reexamine a story, or work to explain the weirder moments that slightly felt off. The "twist" should enrich the plot, and be well set up by it.


A and C were the only ones that really had a "plot twist" in them, and Selection C was the only one that really did it well.

My choice goes to Selection C.

[Vector Nightmare]

Preemptively apologizing for this. I found entry A too hilarious not too spoof.

[spoiler=Selection A: Maya Chamberlaine]

 

Maya Chamberlaine

I haven't really traveled much since I was young. Yet here I was, on a plane, spending most of my paycheck. I guess life just surprises you like that sometimes. Or maybe it's just the fact that my girlfriend is addicted to traveling. Yeah, that's probably it.

PLOT TWIST: It's Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.

"Hey," I began, looking vaguely at my girlfriend. "How long is it going to be until we arrive, exactly?"
She sighed with a small smile. "Well we just took off an hour ago, Daniel, but we should be getting there today."
"How specific," I said with a chuckle.

Just... how do you get on a plane without knowing when it will arrive at its destination? And assuming you do know, how do you not have at least one of a gazillion ways to tell time handy? The "when do we get there" question is completely unrealistic on a plane, really.

She swept her smooth dark hair from her forehead and turned her head to the window, staring out at the clouds sorrounding us. I tried to lay my head on the seat to sleep, but when I realized that wouldn't work, I simply took out a video game magazine from my carry-on bag and began flipping through it for the Super Mario Bros. section.

Spoofing aside, what I'm reading here is author insert. There's simply no need to relay such an irrelevant piece of information to us like just what section the guy's reading (unless it becomes relevant later which somehow I doubt). That's just the author telling us "Hey guys I like this thing!"

And we don't like that when it happens.

"I'm really excited. I haven't seen my uncle in ages." she exclaimed.

His name's Ben. He's a pretty swell guy actually. I'm sure nothing can go wrong, right?

"Wow, ages? I knew you were old, Kat, but not that old."

SUCH HUMOR MUCH INTELLECTUAL WOW

After having my magazine confiscated, and getting a flick to the forehead, I laid my head back again to rest. It seemed to work this time, because next thing I knew, my girlfriend was shaking me by the shoulder.

"Hey, we're here. Wake up, sleepyhead," she muttered.

Does anyone actually ever call someone sleepyhead in real life? I wouldn't really know as a non-native speaker, but it just seems like one of those movie things mostly.

More than readily, I got out of my seat and we stepped outside of the plane. After getting out of the airport, I had to blink once or twice. It was really different from the big cities I was used to being in. This was moreso a mix between a tropical forest and the countryside. There were some houses around us, but they were not that complex, and seemed to be made of some kind of wood. Also, the amount of wildlife was surprising. I mean, it wasn't a jungle or anything, but there were more trees around me than I'd seen in the past few years back home.

“So...actual people live here?” I asked, jokingly.

"We call them The Others."

“Of course! Otherwise we wouldn't have come here, duh,” My girlfriend replied, obviously missing my attempt at sarcasm. I smiled at her and gave her a small kiss.

Actually it looks more like she caught your attempt at sarcasm and bounced it right back at you. Let's face it, Daniel. You're not the smartest bloke in the room are ya?

We took a half-hour ride in a tiny taxi, that made noises the entire way, and had to walk into the jungle for another half hour. After getting pecked by some birds, and running from mosquitos, we came upon a rather small town. Most of the houses were small, and made of wood and large leaves. This was even less like back home. It would be more akin to an indian village if anything.

Cars making noises. Imagine that.

But wait, what the actual f -

Did I just read "we walked for half an hour through the jungle and then we reached a small town"?

Already my "I'm just reading something that was put together in fifteen minutes without any real attention" senses are tingling... or they actually have travelled to the past / a different dimension / whatever.


I looked at my girlfriend, raising an eyebrow. “When you told me your uncle lives in the countryside...”

“I meant really countryside,” she said, giggling. “I have family from all over the world, so you can't blame me for wanting to visit them from time to time, right?”

“No, but I CAN blame you for taking me along,” I pointed out. “So, where's his...house at?”
She pointed to the far end of the small town, where I saw a larger hut than the rest. It was adorned with rather nice-looking leaves and had nice colors patterns. She took my hand and led us to it. We entered by pushing aside some leaves hanging in front of the doorway.

So they arrived into a village in the middle of literally nowhere and... either absolutely noone is around, judging by complete lack of descriptions of other people, or they're apparently so used to strangers wandering in through the jungle that they don't as much as bat an eye.

“Hello!” A voice called out as soon as we entered, nearly causing me to trip over my own feet.

“Uncle Atu, it's me! Katherine!”

A rather fat, tan man with sunglasses and shorts came into view from another doorway at the end of the room.

MUCH CLICHE WOW

“Do my eyes deceive me? Why Kathykat, its been so long!” Atu exclaimed.

“Kathykat?” I muttered.

“It's what most of my family calls me. Don't ask.”

“And who's this?” her uncle asked, looking me up and down.”
“That's my boyfriend, uncle. I sent you an e-mail saying I hooked up with someone from school a few months ago, remember?”

Is "hooked up" really how people would announce their relationship to their family? I'm gonna take it on good faith that it's a deliberate sign of the characters' eccentricity moreso than "what am I even writing".

“You know I never got the hang of those society sites you're addicted to. Hey, Kathykat, I'd like to talk to you about something...in private. Um, you...Frederick, was it? You can explore my house a bit. Me and my niece will need just a few minutes alone, okay?”

“My name is actually Daniel, and-”

Before I could finish, I was hurried out of the room, and into a hallway that led to two more doors. Upon opening one, I figured out that these people do indeed have bathrooms. The other one led me to a room with some furniture, including a bed. The bedsheets were pulled up, and upon closer inspection, I noticed a girl under the bedsheets. I was about to step back so as not to wake her, when she sat up suddenly.

Oh geez, uncle Ben Atu, you've been naughty again haven't you?

“Aha!” she exclaimed, her pale blond, almost gray, hair falling over some of her face. She brushed it aside.

“I-uh, sorry?” I said, stuttering. Then, after taking a few seconds to compose myself, I asked. “Do the people in this house enjoy scaring others to death or what?”

“Oh, I'm sorry,” the girl said. “I thought it was my father. I was going to catch him sneaking up on me again...”

I decided to ignore that remark. “So you live here?”
“That's correct. My name is Maya. Maya Chamberlaine. And what's your name?”

"And apparently I was a murderer in my last life because I can't think of any other reason than a metric f***ton of bad karma for being given a name that makes me sound like either a slave or a prostitute."

“I'm Daniel Walker. So...does that mean you're Kat's cousin?”

The girl's pale brown eyes sparkled at the mention of my girlfriend's name. She jumped out of bed, but seemed about to fall after she did so.
“Are you okay?” I asked, lifting my arms a bit from my sides, ready to catch her.

“Yeah...I'm just a bit sick. I should be in bed, I guess, but it's so boring. My dad is always checking up on me, to make sure I'm laying down. But that's not important. You said Kathykat is here? Really?”
“She's talking with your father, he said they need to discuss something for a bit, in private.”

She put a finger on her lips, looking up at nothing in particular with a small frown. Then, she turned her gaze to me and smiled. “Hey, in that case, I don't want our guest to be bored. Why don't we have some fun? Follow me!”

I've seen porn that goes somewhat like this...

I blinked, but before I could reply, she went out the window, her long hair flowing behind her.

“Hey, I really don't think you should be doing that! Come back!” I called after her, then began to chase her down.
For being sick, this girl could run pretty damn fast. I wasn't a Field-and-Track gold medalist at school, but I played a bit of soccer on weekends, and my pride just couldn't take being outraced by a girl who should be resting in bed.

Living in the middle of the goddamn jungle can get you pretty athletic I suppose.

“We're here!” she said, coming to a halt. I hadn't forseen this sudden stop, and had to switch directions so as not to crash into her. What ended up occuring what that I instead ran facefirst into a rather large tree.

This guy sucks at life.

Rubbing my nose, I looked up from the ground. I was wrong, this wasn't just a large tree. It was an enourmous tree.
“Tired already? Come on, I wanna show you something,” she said, then began scaling the tree.
Not willing to be defeated twice, I climbed after her, finding it easier than expected. The large number of branches on the tree made climbing rather tiring, but not really all that difficult. She climbed to one of the middle branches and stopped, sitting down on the thick branch. She scooted over a bit and I sat down next to her, trying to catch my breath.

“Look ahead,” she said.

I shifted my eyes to directly in front of me, and saw that on this particular spot, from the angle you get while sitting on this branch, there is a rather large gap in the leaves. Being this close to her, I also noticed Maya was breathing heavily.

“Hey, you seem exhausted. Are you sure you should have done that?” I asked, frowning.

Maya shook her head. “Don't worry about me. I just wanted to show you this. I knew that if I didn't run as fast as I did, you would catch me and take me back home.”
“We could have gone at an easier pace for you...dummy,” I said, looking at the gap in the leaves, watching the clouds slowly go by.

...so Daniel is also a tsundere-in-the-making.

...also wait. The big thing he needed to see was... a gap in the leaves?

She smiled and laid her head on my shoulder, causing me to flinch a bit, but I decided to let her stay there. She was tired after all.

“Dad is always worrying about me. It's because I've been sick for so long. Sometimes I hear him crying at night. We don't even talk much anymore.”
“I thought you said he sneaks into your room often?” I asked.
“He does. But he always leaves before I get to talk to him. So I wanted to catch him before he left. Sorry for startling you,” she muttered, twirling a lock of hair on her finger.

“Don't worry about it. I'm sure he really cares about you, and you'll be able to talk to him a lot soon enough. Just wait until you get better, okay?”
“What if I don't?” she questioned, hugging my arm tight. “What if I don't get better? What if I'm sick forever?”
I gave her the most reassuring smile I could. “Trust me, you'll get better. And then you and your dad will get to spend lots of time together.”

Her lip began to quiver a bit, and she shut her eyes. “You promise?”
“Yeah,”

...and these two met like five minutes ago?

I'm either reading a hentai, or a story with extremely awkward characterization and development.

And my money's on the latter.

We watched the sunset through the hole in the leaves. The orange light slowly fading, being replaced by dark blue. Not a single word was shared after that exchange, we just sat there, with her hugging my arm. Before we knew it, night was upon us, and the full moon shone brightly. I looked at her, her pale skin having a hint of blue due to the moonlight.

And noone even cared to look for them all this time?

“Hey Maya, we should be getting back soon, don't you think?” I asked.

“Yeah...don't worry, we'll go back. Thank you so much for accompanying me to this place. Did you...enjoy it?”

“It was amazing. Way better than any view I could get in my hometown, that's for sure. It really was great spending the evening with you here, thanks for showing me around. And...you know, for getting me some exercise as well.”
She giggled quietly and smiled at me, a single tear running down her moonlit face. She leaned over and before I knew it, our lips met. I pulled back due to shock, looking into her eyes. She looked at me intently for a moment, then smiled again.

"I pulled back due to shock. The fact that I have a girlfriend didn't even factor in here."

“Thank you.”

The walk back was silent, and Katherine and her uncle didn't even notice us when we got back, as they were both asleep. I said goodnight to Maya and laid down on the couch. Next morning, I woke up with a feeling of something on my lips. I opened my eyes, and saw Katherine, raising her head. She smiled at me.

Then again when you just go missing while in a village in the middle of the jungle, and your girlfriend just falls asleep instead of worrying about you, mayhap she ain't such a keeper.

“Calling your name didn't wake you up so I figured a kiss would.”
“Well that's certainly a creative way to wake me up. What's going on?”
“We're leaving. Our plane leaves later today, and I still have someone I want to visit. Where were you last night by the way?”
“Oh, I was with Maya...” I said hesitantly, briefly reminded of the kiss we shared.

Katherine's eyes widened. “Daniel, that's not...Maya is dead. My uncle told me she passed away two weeks ago.

SUCH TWIST MUCH GASP WOW.
[/spoiler]

So yeah uh... not impressed. This really feels just slapped together with only token attention paid to setting or characterization. Like others mentioned, it lacked any real "substance", a reasoning behind the whole event.

Selection B had more potential, but I think it was a mistake to openly reveal that "something was wrong", with the dog turning into dust. If you had kept up the illusion of normalcy with underlying hints that something was not as it should, even for a few more paragraphs, the payoff would've been much greater. There... wasn't much of a twist, since it was kind of obvious where it was going from the start. Either that or I've missed something, which isn't unlikely. But overall it felt more confusing and less surprising.

Selection C was honestly hilarious. I loved it. It really did manage to incorporate the contest requirements, without the rather banal GASP SHE'S DEAD. And the whole thing was pretty smooth and well-written.

Selection D was good but... wordy. Moreso than wordcount, a short story is more about the pacing and how much emotion they can invoke in the reader. This one... didn't invoke much really. I was reading a story which read like either a fantasy or a flashback, and due to lack of context, it wasn't really important for me to figure it out. I guess the point in it was the attention to detail, which would strike when it was, eventually, revealed to be just imagination, but while I was reading it it simply felt needlessly dragging. And then it shifts to a first-person perspective scene from a psychopath who likes to attach fake stories to his victims. And when I found that the whole thing I had read before was a fake story without any real bearing on the character... that was, admittedly, a surprise, but not a good one. In the end I was left with a huge sense of disconnect - again, there was a lack of "reasoning", of coherent meaning behind the story, much like selection A. It was simply delving into a psychopath's mind, which while it can certainly make for a good story, it didn't work so well here. Also if the story was more about the killer I could've made great Dexter jokes

So yeah. My vote goes to entry C. I think it's the most creative, an original premise and freshly delivered.

[Ren✧]

Selection A:

Once when I was young, I wrote a story about ghosts, so I admit I have a bit of bias (either for or against) ghost stories. In my opinion, ghosts should exist "for a reason". There's something they still wanna show people, or tell the, or they're trying to protect something.

So some guy and his girlfriend are on a plane to wherever. They arrive at her uncle's house. Boyfriend meets Cousin. Cousin and boyfriend have adventures. Boyfriend wakes up the next morning. PLOT TWIST!  Cousin was dead the whole time.

Just feels like the least imaginative ending to a story ever. I mean, I get that she's dead and there was proper set up, but it just feels like "why?". What's the point of Cousin being dead all along? She didn't try to teach them a lesson or show them anything and as far as we can tell Boyfriend didn't become a better person from this.

I don't know if there was a space limit, but if there was you probably could have cut all that cutsie crap on the plane and on their way through the jungle. Just start it with Boyfriend and Girlfriend walking into Uncle's home and then establish why COusin was dead and the reason her spirit has not yet moved on.

Like... it's a twist, just not that great.

Selection B:

I liked it a lot actually. It felt like the set up to some kind of horrifying nightmare, and I mean that in the best possible way. We open with a girl playing with her dog, but suddenly her dog turns to ash and a grave appears. She thinks it's the grave of her dog. Mother insists it's the grave of her Father and badgers Daughter for being so disrespectful. Father appears and shoots Mother. Daughter gets hit by a truck or something and dies. She is then reborn as a baby.

The "problem" I guess, is that the ending is not really a twist, because pretty much everything was a plot twist. The instant the dog turns to dust and she begins sobbing at her dog/dad's grave, we know something's not quite right. I mean, the point of a plot twist is to explain or give reason to the events we just saw. We saw a lot of nonsense (in the good way, don't get me wrong) but never really found out what was doing on. Was she in limbo? Was her father having a nightmare about her future? Did Amanda die and was she reborn? We don't know.

And a good plot twist shouldn't leave their audience to just throw the hands in the air and say "I give up!"

Honestly, I liked the set up of the story and would very much like to read more of it, or more in a similar style, or a continuation, or other works by this writer. HOWEVER, it's not really a fit for a "Plot Twist" contest. If the contest was to write stories about zombies, and you wrote a swashbuckling tale of pirates on the high seas, no matter how well and inspired you wrote it, I kinda don't feel it would be appropriate to hand it in the winning title for a Zombie Writing contest.

And here, I don't think it'd be appropriate to hand Selection B the title for winner of a Plot Twist Writing Contest.


Selection C:

I enjoyed this one. It was written well and I have no real complaints against it. The ending was a bit predictable with the gender-neutral name, but... what can ya' do?


Selection D:

I feel this one suffers from the problems of the second one. Namely, while it's an intersting read and I enjoyed the writing style and the "Here lemme tell you a story" tone of voice, it wasn't really true to the theme. It was about a plot twist, and rather than a plot twist it just seemed like two completely unrelated stories. One about a guy and his old small town, then suddenly some jerk who was a creepy murderer.


It was a good story over all, but it wasn't so much a "Plot Twist" as much as it was a complete Plot Reboot. It was like reading a story about Sherlock Holmes or something and then suddenly it goes "No no no, actually that wasn't me at all. I'm Harry Potter and we're about to read about my adventures at Hogwarts." Just comes right the f*** out of nowhere, and the plot isn't "enriched" by having the twist.


---

I feel a proper plot twist should either make you rethink or reexamine a story, or work to explain the weirder moments that slightly felt off. The "twist" should enrich the plot, and be well set up by it.


A and C were the only ones that really had a "plot twist" in them, and Selection C was the only one that really did it well.

My choice goes to Selection C.

 

Preemptively apologizing for this. I found entry A too hilarious not too spoof.

[spoiler=Selection A: Maya Chamberlaine]

 

Maya Chamberlaine

I haven't really traveled much since I was young. Yet here I was, on a plane, spending most of my paycheck. I guess life just surprises you like that sometimes. Or maybe it's just the fact that my girlfriend is addicted to traveling. Yeah, that's probably it.

PLOT TWIST: It's Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.

"Hey," I began, looking vaguely at my girlfriend. "How long is it going to be until we arrive, exactly?"
She sighed with a small smile. "Well we just took off an hour ago, Daniel, but we should be getting there today."
"How specific," I said with a chuckle.

Just... how do you get on a plane without knowing when it will arrive at its destination? And assuming you do know, how do you not have at least one of a gazillion ways to tell time handy? The "when do we get there" question is completely unrealistic on a plane, really.

She swept her smooth dark hair from her forehead and turned her head to the window, staring out at the clouds sorrounding us. I tried to lay my head on the seat to sleep, but when I realized that wouldn't work, I simply took out a video game magazine from my carry-on bag and began flipping through it for the Super Mario Bros. section.

Spoofing aside, what I'm reading here is author insert. There's simply no need to relay such an irrelevant piece of information to us like just what section the guy's reading (unless it becomes relevant later which somehow I doubt). That's just the author telling us "Hey guys I like this thing!"

And we don't like that when it happens.

"I'm really excited. I haven't seen my uncle in ages." she exclaimed.

His name's Ben. He's a pretty swell guy actually. I'm sure nothing can go wrong, right?

"Wow, ages? I knew you were old, Kat, but not that old."

SUCH HUMOR MUCH INTELLECTUAL WOW

After having my magazine confiscated, and getting a flick to the forehead, I laid my head back again to rest. It seemed to work this time, because next thing I knew, my girlfriend was shaking me by the shoulder.

"Hey, we're here. Wake up, sleepyhead," she muttered.

Does anyone actually ever call someone sleepyhead in real life? I wouldn't really know as a non-native speaker, but it just seems like one of those movie things mostly.

More than readily, I got out of my seat and we stepped outside of the plane. After getting out of the airport, I had to blink once or twice. It was really different from the big cities I was used to being in. This was moreso a mix between a tropical forest and the countryside. There were some houses around us, but they were not that complex, and seemed to be made of some kind of wood. Also, the amount of wildlife was surprising. I mean, it wasn't a jungle or anything, but there were more trees around me than I'd seen in the past few years back home.

“So...actual people live here?” I asked, jokingly.

"We call them The Others."

“Of course! Otherwise we wouldn't have come here, duh,” My girlfriend replied, obviously missing my attempt at sarcasm. I smiled at her and gave her a small kiss.

Actually it looks more like she caught your attempt at sarcasm and bounced it right back at you. Let's face it, Daniel. You're not the smartest bloke in the room are ya?

We took a half-hour ride in a tiny taxi, that made noises the entire way, and had to walk into the jungle for another half hour. After getting pecked by some birds, and running from mosquitos, we came upon a rather small town. Most of the houses were small, and made of wood and large leaves. This was even less like back home. It would be more akin to an indian village if anything.

Cars making noises. Imagine that.

But wait, what the actual f -

Did I just read "we walked for half an hour through the jungle and then we reached a small town"?

Already my "I'm just reading something that was put together in fifteen minutes without any real attention" senses are tingling... or they actually have travelled to the past / a different dimension / whatever.


I looked at my girlfriend, raising an eyebrow. “When you told me your uncle lives in the countryside...”

“I meant really countryside,” she said, giggling. “I have family from all over the world, so you can't blame me for wanting to visit them from time to time, right?”

“No, but I CAN blame you for taking me along,” I pointed out. “So, where's his...house at?”
She pointed to the far end of the small town, where I saw a larger hut than the rest. It was adorned with rather nice-looking leaves and had nice colors patterns. She took my hand and led us to it. We entered by pushing aside some leaves hanging in front of the doorway.

So they arrived into a village in the middle of literally nowhere and... either absolutely noone is around, judging by complete lack of descriptions of other people, or they're apparently so used to strangers wandering in through the jungle that they don't as much as bat an eye.

“Hello!” A voice called out as soon as we entered, nearly causing me to trip over my own feet.

“Uncle Atu, it's me! Katherine!”

A rather fat, tan man with sunglasses and shorts came into view from another doorway at the end of the room.

MUCH CLICHE WOW

“Do my eyes deceive me? Why Kathykat, its been so long!” Atu exclaimed.

“Kathykat?” I muttered.

“It's what most of my family calls me. Don't ask.”

“And who's this?” her uncle asked, looking me up and down.”
“That's my boyfriend, uncle. I sent you an e-mail saying I hooked up with someone from school a few months ago, remember?”

Is "hooked up" really how people would announce their relationship to their family? I'm gonna take it on good faith that it's a deliberate sign of the characters' eccentricity moreso than "what am I even writing".

“You know I never got the hang of those society sites you're addicted to. Hey, Kathykat, I'd like to talk to you about something...in private. Um, you...Frederick, was it? You can explore my house a bit. Me and my niece will need just a few minutes alone, okay?”

“My name is actually Daniel, and-”

Before I could finish, I was hurried out of the room, and into a hallway that led to two more doors. Upon opening one, I figured out that these people do indeed have bathrooms. The other one led me to a room with some furniture, including a bed. The bedsheets were pulled up, and upon closer inspection, I noticed a girl under the bedsheets. I was about to step back so as not to wake her, when she sat up suddenly.

Oh geez, uncle Ben Atu, you've been naughty again haven't you?

“Aha!” she exclaimed, her pale blond, almost gray, hair falling over some of her face. She brushed it aside.

“I-uh, sorry?” I said, stuttering. Then, after taking a few seconds to compose myself, I asked. “Do the people in this house enjoy scaring others to death or what?”

“Oh, I'm sorry,” the girl said. “I thought it was my father. I was going to catch him sneaking up on me again...”

I decided to ignore that remark. “So you live here?”
“That's correct. My name is Maya. Maya Chamberlaine. And what's your name?”

"And apparently I was a murderer in my last life because I can't think of any other reason than a metric f***ton of bad karma for being given a name that makes me sound like either a slave or a prostitute."

“I'm Daniel Walker. So...does that mean you're Kat's cousin?”

The girl's pale brown eyes sparkled at the mention of my girlfriend's name. She jumped out of bed, but seemed about to fall after she did so.
“Are you okay?” I asked, lifting my arms a bit from my sides, ready to catch her.

“Yeah...I'm just a bit sick. I should be in bed, I guess, but it's so boring. My dad is always checking up on me, to make sure I'm laying down. But that's not important. You said Kathykat is here? Really?”
“She's talking with your father, he said they need to discuss something for a bit, in private.”

She put a finger on her lips, looking up at nothing in particular with a small frown. Then, she turned her gaze to me and smiled. “Hey, in that case, I don't want our guest to be bored. Why don't we have some fun? Follow me!”

I've seen porn that goes somewhat like this...

I blinked, but before I could reply, she went out the window, her long hair flowing behind her.

“Hey, I really don't think you should be doing that! Come back!” I called after her, then began to chase her down.
For being sick, this girl could run pretty damn fast. I wasn't a Field-and-Track gold medalist at school, but I played a bit of soccer on weekends, and my pride just couldn't take being outraced by a girl who should be resting in bed.

Living in the middle of the goddamn jungle can get you pretty athletic I suppose.

“We're here!” she said, coming to a halt. I hadn't forseen this sudden stop, and had to switch directions so as not to crash into her. What ended up occuring what that I instead ran facefirst into a rather large tree.

This guy sucks at life.

Rubbing my nose, I looked up from the ground. I was wrong, this wasn't just a large tree. It was an enourmous tree.
“Tired already? Come on, I wanna show you something,” she said, then began scaling the tree.
Not willing to be defeated twice, I climbed after her, finding it easier than expected. The large number of branches on the tree made climbing rather tiring, but not really all that difficult. She climbed to one of the middle branches and stopped, sitting down on the thick branch. She scooted over a bit and I sat down next to her, trying to catch my breath.

“Look ahead,” she said.

I shifted my eyes to directly in front of me, and saw that on this particular spot, from the angle you get while sitting on this branch, there is a rather large gap in the leaves. Being this close to her, I also noticed Maya was breathing heavily.

“Hey, you seem exhausted. Are you sure you should have done that?” I asked, frowning.

Maya shook her head. “Don't worry about me. I just wanted to show you this. I knew that if I didn't run as fast as I did, you would catch me and take me back home.”
“We could have gone at an easier pace for you...dummy,” I said, looking at the gap in the leaves, watching the clouds slowly go by.

...so Daniel is also a tsundere-in-the-making.

...also wait. The big thing he needed to see was... a gap in the leaves?

She smiled and laid her head on my shoulder, causing me to flinch a bit, but I decided to let her stay there. She was tired after all.

“Dad is always worrying about me. It's because I've been sick for so long. Sometimes I hear him crying at night. We don't even talk much anymore.”
“I thought you said he sneaks into your room often?” I asked.
“He does. But he always leaves before I get to talk to him. So I wanted to catch him before he left. Sorry for startling you,” she muttered, twirling a lock of hair on her finger.

“Don't worry about it. I'm sure he really cares about you, and you'll be able to talk to him a lot soon enough. Just wait until you get better, okay?”
“What if I don't?” she questioned, hugging my arm tight. “What if I don't get better? What if I'm sick forever?”
I gave her the most reassuring smile I could. “Trust me, you'll get better. And then you and your dad will get to spend lots of time together.”

Her lip began to quiver a bit, and she shut her eyes. “You promise?”
“Yeah,”

...and these two met like five minutes ago?

I'm either reading a hentai, or a story with extremely awkward characterization and development.

And my money's on the latter.

We watched the sunset through the hole in the leaves. The orange light slowly fading, being replaced by dark blue. Not a single word was shared after that exchange, we just sat there, with her hugging my arm. Before we knew it, night was upon us, and the full moon shone brightly. I looked at her, her pale skin having a hint of blue due to the moonlight.

And noone even cared to look for them all this time?

“Hey Maya, we should be getting back soon, don't you think?” I asked.

“Yeah...don't worry, we'll go back. Thank you so much for accompanying me to this place. Did you...enjoy it?”

“It was amazing. Way better than any view I could get in my hometown, that's for sure. It really was great spending the evening with you here, thanks for showing me around. And...you know, for getting me some exercise as well.”
She giggled quietly and smiled at me, a single tear running down her moonlit face. She leaned over and before I knew it, our lips met. I pulled back due to shock, looking into her eyes. She looked at me intently for a moment, then smiled again.

"I pulled back due to shock. The fact that I have a girlfriend didn't even factor in here."

“Thank you.”

The walk back was silent, and Katherine and her uncle didn't even notice us when we got back, as they were both asleep. I said goodnight to Maya and laid down on the couch. Next morning, I woke up with a feeling of something on my lips. I opened my eyes, and saw Katherine, raising her head. She smiled at me.

Then again when you just go missing while in a village in the middle of the jungle, and your girlfriend just falls asleep instead of worrying about you, mayhap she ain't such a keeper.

“Calling your name didn't wake you up so I figured a kiss would.”
“Well that's certainly a creative way to wake me up. What's going on?”
“We're leaving. Our plane leaves later today, and I still have someone I want to visit. Where were you last night by the way?”
“Oh, I was with Maya...” I said hesitantly, briefly reminded of the kiss we shared.

Katherine's eyes widened. “Daniel, that's not...Maya is dead. My uncle told me she passed away two weeks ago.

SUCH TWIST MUCH GASP WOW.
[/spoiler]

So yeah uh... not impressed. This really feels just slapped together with only token attention paid to setting or characterization. Like others mentioned, it lacked any real "substance", a reasoning behind the whole event.

Selection B had more potential, but I think it was a mistake to openly reveal that "something was wrong", with the dog turning into dust. If you had kept up the illusion of normalcy with underlying hints that something was not as it should, even for a few more paragraphs, the payoff would've been much greater. There... wasn't much of a twist, since it was kind of obvious where it was going from the start. Either that or I've missed something, which isn't unlikely. But overall it felt more confusing and less surprising.

Selection C was honestly hilarious. I loved it. It really did manage to incorporate the contest requirements, without the rather banal GASP SHE'S DEAD. And the whole thing was pretty smooth and well-written.

Selection D was good but... wordy. Moreso than wordcount, a short story is more about the pacing and how much emotion they can invoke in the reader. This one... didn't invoke much really. I was reading a story which read like either a fantasy or a flashback, and due to lack of context, it wasn't really important for me to figure it out. I guess the point in it was the attention to detail, which would strike when it was, eventually, revealed to be just imagination, but while I was reading it it simply felt needlessly dragging. And then it shifts to a first-person perspective scene from a psychopath who likes to attach fake stories to his victims. And when I found that the whole thing I had read before was a fake story without any real bearing on the character... that was, admittedly, a surprise, but not a good one. In the end I was left with a huge sense of disconnect - again, there was a lack of "reasoning", of coherent meaning behind the story, much like selection A. It was simply delving into a psychopath's mind, which while it can certainly make for a good story, it didn't work so well here. Also if the story was more about the killer I could've made great Dexter jokes

So yeah. My vote goes to entry C. I think it's the most creative, an original premise and freshly delivered.

 

 

Thank you both for voting! :D

 

A: 0

B: 0

C: 2

D: 2

[Catterjune]

Oh, where we supposed to actually say what we thought in the review? I thought we were just supposed to say what made it not good for the contest? Okay so...


Selection A 2: Select Harder

I think I already mentioned how the beginning feels like dumb crap. I mean, it's "decent/okay", passable characterization, but you can drop everything before you get to "Uncle's House" and it's the same exact story, so I'll complain about something new this time.

One thing that got me as kinda weird was the ending, specifically the girlfriend. She finds out the cousin died, but when exactly was this?

If she found out when the Uncle took her aside, it's weird that she's acting so flirty and fun when she sees her boyfriend again. I'd assume a more somber tone to her actions, not like: "hey baby, good morning kiss sleeping beauty. ;D"

If she found out ages ago in one of those society sites she's addicted to that Uncle Atu never got the hang of, then it's weird that she didn't tell Boyfriend this was the reason they were going. Also weird that she thinks they GTFO out of the house right now. This was before the Plot Twist, so she certainly wasn't afraid of the ghosts. Maybe she planned to visit 19 other family members this month, but this one kinda just had someone die, and for someone who loves her family enough that she explores the world to see them, it's weird she wouldn't be there for her Uncle when he just had a death in the family. I mean if, god forbid, one of my cousins died I wouldn't be ready to jump onto the next plane out of town, and I don't even really get along with my family.

But then let's get to Cousin. The Uncle apparently "always checks up" on her and she was trying to scare him. What? Was he checking on her corpse or something? She died two weeks ago, so he wouldn't still be checking up on her. And why was she trying to scare him? The whole exchange is just weird and poorly thought out. Another "remove it and it makes the story better" kind of deals, like with the beginning.

 

Those are just a bunch of the things that stuck out to me, at least stuck out long enough for me to think about them...

 

 

ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE!

 

I'd like to see if I could give it a shot at a writing competition, but I don't want to like... be social or join a gay YCM club or anything. What do? e_e

[Ren✧]

Oh, where we supposed to actually say what we thought in the review? I thought we were just supposed to say what made it not good for the contest? Okay so...


Selection A 2: Select Harder

I think I already mentioned how the beginning feels like dumb crap. I mean, it's "decent/okay", passable characterization, but you can drop everything before you get to "Uncle's House" and it's the same exact story, so I'll complain about something new this time.

One thing that got me as kinda weird was the ending, specifically the girlfriend. She finds out the cousin died, but when exactly was this?

If she found out when the Uncle took her aside, it's weird that she's acting so flirty and fun when she sees her boyfriend again. I'd assume a more somber tone to her actions, not like: "hey baby, good morning kiss sleeping beauty. ;D"

If she found out ages ago in one of those society sites she's addicted to that Uncle Atu never got the hang of, then it's weird that she didn't tell Boyfriend this was the reason they were going. Also weird that she thinks they GTFO out of the house right now. This was before the Plot Twist, so she certainly wasn't afraid of the ghosts. Maybe she planned to visit 19 other family members this month, but this one kinda just had someone die, and for someone who loves her family enough that she explores the world to see them, it's weird she wouldn't be there for her Uncle when he just had a death in the family. I mean if, god forbid, one of my cousins died I wouldn't be ready to jump onto the next plane out of town, and I don't even really get along with my family.

But then let's get to Cousin. The Uncle apparently "always checks up" on her and she was trying to scare him. What? Was he checking on her corpse or something? She died two weeks ago, so he wouldn't still be checking up on her. And why was she trying to scare him? The whole exchange is just weird and poorly thought out. Another "remove it and it makes the story better" kind of deals, like with the beginning.

 

Those are just a bunch of the things that stuck out to me, at least stuck out long enough for me to think about them...

 

 

ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE!

 

I'd like to see if I could give it a shot at a writing competition, but I don't want to like... be social or join a gay YCM club or anything. What do? e_e

 

Next time we have a contest I can try to remember to PM you. However, it would probably be easier on both you and I if you just joyed the club. You don't necessarily have to be active, but it would indeed keep you updated with what is going on. 

[Catterjune]

So... umm... what's the results of this? It looks like a tie.

[Ren✧]

Dammit, it seems that I had a bit of a memory lapse, I thought I had handled this. It does appear to be a tie, however, author C has opted to remain anonymous and wishes to forfeit the win to Author D. I will let the authors of the stories reveal themselves on the chance that they wish to remain anonymous as well. Thank you guys for participating and thank you to all the voters. Sorry about my shitty hosting. Hopefully the next one will be better :D

[The Warden]

I was the author of Story D.

 

Honestly C, I think you would've had a winner if instead of some schmuck waiting for the time to run out, it should have been a park scene with a person with a gender neutral name (like Terry) talking to a girl. By avoiding gender specific words like him/her, you could have kept the readers guessing until the end, when you used a female identifying word.

[Catterjune]

So... who was the author of Story A and B? Or are we not getting that either? ~_~

[DL]

I was story A XP

 

Aix just hid the post I posted revealing that at the beginning xD

[Thar]

I was story B. Was planning on posting here just to follow it, but I never did.

[ZeRainbowDash]

I ddin't have too much, mainly becasue I don't pick people's writing apart. But my biggest problem with A is the face that it was "my girlfriend" this and "my girlfriend" that.