.Rooster Posted August 31, 2014 Report Share Posted August 31, 2014 Now this is my first YCM fanfic, so it will have some flaws. [spoiler=Chapter 1: Curb-stomp Lane]Our story starts with William, a pre-teen who acts like he lives in a pocket sized planet. I know this fact mainly since he thinks that he is a great basketball player since he is the best in his class, plus he thinks he is a great duellist since he knows the rules and has a level 8 monster( And another, less important reason is that I made this character but that is irrelevant). As you might have guessed, this is the chapter where William gets his ego crushed. It is Friday 28th October 8:15 am in the odd country Britain and our protagonist ate his toast and is having a conversation with his mother, Ariel Cerise."So you predict something interesting will happen at school?" William said skeptically. "Yes!" "Really?" "Yes." "What will happen?" "Something that connects to realization of the true face of a puzzling attribute." William raised his eyebrow. "How do you know I am going to get beaten badly at Yugioh by a new student?" "I saw her play. She was runs a huge amount of decks and once I saw her play against this guy called Ryan. She did lose but she posed a challenge for him." William simply shook his head in disbelief and headed to school. After a few lessons about things irrelevant to life, he came across Nita, the new girl who was on her own. She was a slender teenager wearing the regular school uniform.William assumed she was the new girl. "Hiya!." "Just for your info, you are not getting a girlfriend." "Oh, you broke my heart(!) My mum says you are going to outduel me." "Was she that spectator by any chance?" "I think so." "I am iin the mood for kicking somebodys arse, so I accept your challenge if you want to duel." William V Nita Williams Turn: William drew 5 cards from his deck. "I summon The Trojan Horse in Defense Mode (1200 DEF) And place 2 Facedowns. Your turn." Nita drew 5 cards and pulled on her poker face. "I summon Gagaga Magician, And I special summon Kagetokage." "Damn!" "I Xyz summon No.39: Utopia in Attack Mode (2500 ATK) and I will also play 1 card facedown." William felt his confidence weaken a bit. It was his turn. "I Tribute The Trojan Horse to summon Ancient Gear Golem!" "I Attack!" "That was a waste of time. Negated." "I activate Double Or Nothing!" "Negated again." William: 8000 - Nita: 8000 It was Nita's turn and she was still sporting her poker face, even though they both knew the game was her's. "I Overlay Utopia to ascend him to his next form. I Xyz summon his shining persona, Chaos Number 39, Utopia Ray!" "Damnit." "I equip it with Unicorn Spear. Attack Ancient Gear Golem! William: 6600 - Nita: 8000 William almost cringed. He was getting curbstomped by the new kid?! "I summon Ancient Gear Soldier in Defense and I end my turn." "OK then. I reveal Rank Up Magic The Seventh One from my hand. Through its effect i can Xyz Summon Utopia Ray Victory! I use Rank-Up-Magic Barians Force to summon another Utopia Ray Victory! I attack with the second Utopia!" "Talk about lucksacking." "I discard Rank Up Magic Astral force to Xyz Summon Utopic Dragon! Now you should predict what happened. If you couldn't I fear for you! When William entered home, he instantly asked his dad a puzzling question. "Why are mothers always right?" " Because they are more mature then us, stronger than us, prettier than us. They are basically our superiors." "But how did that happen?" "I dunno. Ask your P.E teacher, if he knows how to talk properly." He went upstairs to look for his mother. "Mom?Moooom!!" "What!", echoed his mothers voice. "Can you please give me an advance allowance in return for one week of treating you like a monarch?" "Why?" "I need to improve my deck." "No. Go to the the attic." A shiver went down his spine. Why go to the attic when everyone else used to avoid it like it was a large mass of acid? Was this some sort of twisted punishment? Him and Ariel climbed up to the attic and much to his surprise, it was a clean room with three tables and some sort of container holding a deck of Yugioh cards. "Do you like it? I even made a special deck for you!" William smiled and ran to the glass box. "Hands off the container my little munchkin." "Why? You made it for me!" "But first you need to improve your skills." "How?" "By training with me for the entirety of the half term." His mother was not lying. She taught him with "Tutorial Duels" a system that involves a ridiculously long duel (24000-24000. They use decks especially designed for this endurement.) before a regular duel. Throughout the entire half term, they did 6 main lessons: Lesson 1: Minor Predictions. Lesson 2: Easy Combos. Lesson 3: Close Comebacks Lesson 4: Deck Building: Making Easy Combos easier. Lesson 5: Deck Building: Making Close Comebacks possible. Lesson 6: Cosmic Fairies!!! It was Day 6 and William climbed up again too see his mother building what looked like "Cosmic Fairies". William was once told by his friend that Cosmic Fairies sucked since the cards were weak and did not even have a Level 7+ boss card. "Please do not tell me that your so called 'special deck'!" "Yes. Why?" "My friend told me they suck!" "Your friend sucked at Yugioh anyway. Plus you seem to be good at summoning boss cards." "OK then. I challenge you to a duel! If I win, you keep that deck and if I lose, I will swap decks." "That other price was not necessary." [/spoiler] [spoiler=Character Profile William] Personality: Ignores the past and is quite nosy Hobbies: He often enjoys playing Yugioh and also likes video games Relations: Ariel Cerise (Mother) Garland Cerise (Father) Well thats it![/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 2: Cosmic Duel] William V Ariel William started his first turn by summoning Ancient Gear Soldier. "Is that all, son?" "I set one card and I summon Cosmic Fairy: Shard Sage (LV2 DEF/600). Now I activate Cosmic Fairy: Mirror Sage's effect. I discard a Cosmic Fairy in order to summon him. That card was LV6 so he becomes LV6. Now I Synchro Summon Cosmic Judge: Illusion Blader! (ATK=2800)" "I now activate Foolish Burial, meaning I can mill a card for free! Now I activate Illusion Bladers effect! I can summon a copy of him, but its effects are negated and when the otther Blader has its ATK or DEF increased, he gains that amount. Finally I equip Illusion Blader with Moonstone Rune-blade (2800-3800).Blader attacks the Ancient Gear Soldier." William = 7200 Ariel =8000 "Blader 2 Attacks." William = 3400 Ariel = 8000 William grimaced. He is getting schooled by his mother. But what was wrong with that anyway? "I admit defeat." William = 0 Ariel = Perfect Victory Before he swapped, William had a thought. Is the Cosmic Fairies archetype actually decent? "Here is the deck, William. Look after it." "I was about to say the same thing." The next day William was stuck in bed. Staying inside was a bore, much like football, a boring game with a boring objective and a boring set of strategies. Little did he know there were plenty of tournaments and clubs round the world and there was 5-minute walk to what was called The Sky Wanderers Club, a club which looks down at tourneys and quitters. He knew he would have to step up his game to join those people. "(CREAK) RISE AND SHINE, POOOPPET!!!!!!!!" “I am already awake Dad!" Dad ignored him and marched to the lavatory. William leaped of his bed and climbed up the attic, waiting for Ariel to climb up and teach him a few lessons about duelling. But he patiently waited for an hour, but only Garland Cerise climbed up to tell him Ariel's downstairs. "Why didn't you tell me before?" "I thought you were still in bed. If you wanted to play boring card games with your mother, you could have asked. Anyway you have to climb down." "Oh. Sorry, Garland." After that bombshell had struck him straight in the head, he was admonished by his parents for another half-hour. "Ugh. William I have a great idea!" "Please don't tell me you are changing the sweets location again(!)" "Very funny, Michael McIntyre(!) I have decided to let you go to a special Yugioh Club." "What club?" "Sky Wanderers." "But I heard you have to be an awesome duelist to enter clubs like those!" "Well you are now a decent duelist!" "Really?" "Yes you are! Just believe in yourself." "But I have not used this deck before." "Then duel me." 5 minutes later.. "And I win again!" Ariel announced that it was time for breakfast. After they ate Garland and William walked very slowly until they were walking by a medium sized building with the following name nailed onto the wall. "YUGIOH SKY WANDERERS CLUB" "So this is the club. Stupid money-making schemes stealing the ridiculous name of card games. I fear Britain will sink into a neo-Stone Age, I really do." Dad murmured. William gulped. Is he good enough as a duelist to join this club? [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fat Cat Ultim Posted August 31, 2014 Report Share Posted August 31, 2014 Wow.I liked it ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Rooster Posted September 6, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2014 bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peridank Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 I want the duels to be longer. That sounds b****y I know... but still, These are too short for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Rooster Posted October 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 At least you made a comment and that is all that matters. I will make a longer duel this weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STROBE Posted October 12, 2014 Report Share Posted October 12, 2014 Who had 6 frikin wins tho? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fat Cat Ultim Posted October 12, 2014 Report Share Posted October 12, 2014 @STROBE : I think it's WIlliam... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Rooster Posted October 22, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 I added the first 2 chapters early guys. The story still needs planning. If anyone wants to make a suggestion, then go to the "I'm considering making a duelling fanfic" thread in the Story Planning section. For now I'm probably going to have to postpone Chapter 3 for now, as I have to fix Illusion Blader's effect, since it is horribly messed up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleepy Posted November 2, 2014 Report Share Posted November 2, 2014 I just finished up the first chapter. I have a few things to say about it. It honestly felt a tiny little bit rushed. Be sure to spend a bit more time to describe things around your characters and let their daily life show. Also describe your characters at least a little bit. I don't think I can picture the girl at all because I didn't see a name, she didn't really talk much or made much corporal language at all. She just was a blank face to serve as an opponent for the main guy, and even at that it was rather short. We also get a few sudden jumps here and there. For example, you could have described the girl's appearance and what she was doing, what she was wearing, where where they located, all at the time your hero decided to walk straight to her and challenge her out of the blue. Show her unsettled reaction against such a weird proposal from someone that she doesn't know. Let some hesitation build up for a couple seconds before she accepts it. The mom is a bit too all-knowing. You could have shown us a bit of screen time with her doing something that could justify her being around to discover the girl and her skill level. Maybe that could tie in a part of the mom's development as a character since she is obviously well versed on the game, but that opens up questions about her life, or her past if that's the case, that could refer to her being the way she is. At least a few small hints about it. It also wouldn't hurt to have a small scene with a situation that could justify the dad talking the way he did about her, saying she's just plain superior... or maybe showing him off a little bit more as that kind of person in general. A good chance for that could be having him in the background doing something that shows how he is, as the story's hero was talking with the mother in the morning, then his appearance saying that would go a little more smoothly when the kid finds him after coming back from school. The first sentence of the chapter also suffers a bit. I think it could be worded differently. It just used the word "since" a bit too much and too often. Use different words like "because" once in a while, or change the sentence structure. Even add commas and periods and end a line before falling into that. It was a little bit off-putting. I don't mind it if a duel is a little bit on the short side, but it is a little bit weird that a regular person uses a Number in a duel that's in-universe in the world of Yugioh. Then again, your characters don't call it "Duel Monsters" but "Yugioh" so this might be just a fanfic about card games without any mystical forces or ties or reference to any other series of Yugioh.... but if it is set in the Yugioh universe, you should probably call it "Duel Monsters" instead, and not use legendary cards that only certain known characters are supposed to have, like Yuma's Utopia and its Chaos Xyz and ZeXal Weapon forms. Cards like the Golem and Magic Cylinders are alright because in-universe has already shown that they are mass-produced, and Dimitri from Yugioh GX was even able to copy Crowler/Chronos's deck in a relatively short period of time, and anything Yugi ever used except the Legendary Dragons, the Gods, and Orichalcos, are supposed to have been pulled from packs, and so all of Jaden's non-Neos-related cards, so things like those are fair game. However I must point out, I missed on something. The girl should not have been able to use Magic Cylinders on Ancient Gear Golem since it stops Spells and Traps like that from being used by the opponent when it attacks. The reason Syrus from GX used it that one time is because his Roid's effect activated the Cyliinders from the hand, a Monster's effect was involved in the anime. Normally that can't happen. Hope any of this can prove useful to you. I'll keep looking and see where it goes. It's been a while since I last saw a Yugioh fic xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Rooster Posted November 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2014 I completely get where you are coming from. I postponed Chapter 3 so I could fix up the flaws. And this fic is set in Britain, but it will have a mystical side to it once i clean up the starting chapters. Thanks for the feedback! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peridank Posted December 11, 2014 Report Share Posted December 11, 2014 I'm getting a bit anxious for it now... I want to read the next chapter lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Rooster Posted December 12, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2014 I'm getting a bit anxious for it now... I want to read the next chapter lol So people need this chapter then. I will have to choose two entirely different decks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peridank Posted February 18, 2015 Report Share Posted February 18, 2015 ;-; My dreams of Chap. 3 are crushed... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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