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Pokemon: Threat of Phantom.


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Note: This story will be more anime-like meaning Pokemon can have more than 4 moves among other stuff. Also, I may or may not base move descriptions off of the anime move descriptions on varios move pages on Bulbapedia.

 

[spoiler Chapter 1: Travis Raider]

 

Located much further west of the Unova Region lies the Corona Region. The Corona Region, despite having impressive inferstructure and vasts habitats such as forests, mountains, and deserts, is most known for having one of the most difficult Pokémon Leagues. Pokémon Trainers in the Corona Region do not prove themselves by earning gym badges. They prove themselves in tournaments. The best are invited to participate in the Corona League tournament.

 

…..

 

The largest city in the Corona Region is Angel City. This city is visted by many. Some come for the booming movie industry. Others come to test their skills as trainer against the locals. Whatever the reason, Angel City is a popular tourist destination. However, Angel City has a dark side. In recent years, a crime family have risen to power in the city's underworld; the Melona family. Rumors have been circulating recently that the Melona family has aligned themselves with the feared Team Phantom. However, these rumors have not been proven.

 

….

 

Located in Angel City is the Corona Region's most prestigious Pokemon lab.The lab is run by Professor David Redwood. The building itself is an old, blue-colored building that has been renovated several times throughout the years. Professor Redwood is the regional authority on Pokemon. He is also the father of the region's current champion.

 

Today, the building seems empty. The area where the lab is tends to be quieter than most of the city, A flock of Starly sit on the building's roof. Suddenly, a loud noise from startles the Starly and they fly away. Inside the building, the back wall has been damaged by a Pokemon with a hole large enough for a person to walk through in it. Two men, both wearing suits and trenchcoats, have broken into the building with a Weezing and a Venomoth. One man has brown hair while the other one has black hair. The men are being confronted by a young adult male with slighly spiky black hair. The young adult male has blue eyes and is wearing a black jacket, a black full sleeved shirt, and black pants. He has a Pyroar and a Gardevoir out. This is Travis Raider, a seasoned trainer. Behind him is a middle-aged man with short, brown hair wearing a white lab coat. The middle-aged man is Professor Redwood.

 

“I don't know who you think you are but you better get out of the way,” The brown-haired man says. “The boss wants the research from this place and we're gonna get it for him.”

 

“Not on our watch,” Travis snaps back. “Besides, I didn't think hooligans like you two would want research papers anyway.”

 

“Shut up and move!” The black-haired man shouts.

 

“Make me,”Travis says. Pyroar and Gardevoir move forward, both ready to fight.

 

“Well, don't say we didn't warn you,” The brown-haired man says. “Weezing, use Sludge Bomb on that Gardevoir!” From the mouths on both of its heads, Weezing fires a barrage of sphere-like piles of sludge at Gardevoir. However, Travis is more than ready to fight.

 

“Gardevoir, counter with Shadow Ball!” Gardevoir opens her mouth and a black sphere of energy begins to form in front of it. Gardevoir then fires the sphere. The black sphere dispels the sphere-like plies of sludge and Weezing is hit. “Now, Gardevoir, use Thunderbolt on Weezing!” Travis shouts. Gardevoir unleashes a powerful stream of electricity towards Weezing. Weezing is hit by the attack and it falls to the ground, defeated. “What?!” The brown-haired man shouts.

 

“Venomoth, use Psybeam on the Pyroar!” The black-haired man shouts. Venomoth fires a purple beam of energy towards Pyroar. “Pyroar, counter with your Flamethrower,” Travis says with a smirk. Pyroar opens his mouth and fires a powerful stream of fire. The stream of fire collides with the purple beam and dispels it, continuting to head towards Venomoth. Venomoth is hit by the attack and falls to the ground defeated, much to the anger of the black-haired man.

 

“This guy is strong....” The black-haired man says.

 

“Yeah, well, so are we! We still got some Pokemon left!” The brown-haired man shouts. Just then, sirens can be heard.

 

“The cops!” The brown-haired man shouts.

 

“Let's get out of here!” The black-haired man shouts. Both men recall their defeated Pokemon and attempt to flee the building.

 

“Oh no you don't!” Travis shouts. However, before Travis can do anything about it, the two men are blocked by a Flygon. There is a man riding on the Flygon's back. The man is a middle-aged man with medium length black hair. He wears a black suit and black pants. The man jumps off his Flygon and stares at the two men. “Both of you are under arrest,” The man says. The two men grumble in defeat, knowing that they can't get out of this situation.

 

…....

 

Outside the front door of the building, as the two men are being led into a police van, the man with the Flygon speaks with Travis and Professor Redwood. “I'm Detective Lucana of the Angel City Police Department. I must say, that took a lot of guts standing up to guys like that.” The man says.

 

“Thanks, Detective.” Travis.

 

“Something doesn't make sense though; Why would guys like that want my research?” Professor Redwood asks.

 

“We don't know. This is a first for us as well.” Detective Lucana replies. “Whatever the reason, it's troubling.”

 

“You don't think it's Team Phantom, do you, Detective?” Travis replies.

 

“It's possible. We can't jump to conclusions right away, though. By the way, what's your name?” Detective Lucana asks Travis.

 

“Travis. Travis Raider,” Travis replies.

 

“Ah, the eldest son of the Raider Corporation's CEO? Well, thanks for your help, Travis. The more trainers who fight back, the better. Just don't get into something that is way too dangerous. In additon, we would like an official statement from you and Professor Redwood.”

 

“Got it,” Travis replies.

 

“Of course,” Professor Redwood replies.

 

…..

 

Located north of Angel City is the Raider family estate. The estate is large, with a large garden with fountains in the front of a large, white mansion. Inside, Travis is explaning what happened to a midle-aged woman with shorth, shoulder length, black hair and blue eyes. She wears a blue dress. This woman is Travis's mother; Victoria Raider. Travis and his mother are sitting on a sofa while the former is telling what happened.

 

“So, you were just paying a visit to Professor Redwood when they attacked?” Victoria Raider asks her son.

 

“That's right, mom. I don't know why, but they wanted some research or something,” Travis replies. “I fear they may try again.”

 

“Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. They wouldn't dare to try that again,” Victoria replies.

“I just don't get it, mom. Could someone else be calling the shots?”

 

“Maybe. We'll let the police figure it out, though,” Victoria says. Suddenly, somebody rings the doorbell. “Hey, Travis! It's me!” The voice of a young adult female can be heard from outside.

 

“Well, looks like Melanie is here,” Travis says.

 

“Go on. Go with your friend. Stay safe, though,” Victoria tells her son.

 

“I will, mom. Thanks.”

 

…...

 

Travis is walking down the sidewalk with the young adult female. She has long, elbow length, black hair and brown eyes. She wears a dark red jacket with a red sleeveless shirt underneath. She is also wearing blue jeans. She is Melanie Mercerd; One of Travis's childhood friends. Like Travis, Melanie is a seasoned trainer herself.

 

“I assume Kevin is still out of town?” Travis asks Melanie.

 

“Yep, but he should be back in a couple of days,” Melanie replies. “Anyway, I heard what happened at Professor Redwood's lab. I'm glad you were there to stop them,”

 

“Yeah, but some things just don't make any sense....” Travis remarks. “I have a bad feeling about this....”

 

“Hey, don't worry so much,” Melanie says with a smile on her face. “We can take em.”

 

Travis smiles. “Yeah, you're right. Trainers in this city and this region don't go down without a fight.”

 

“Let's head on over to the local park. I'm sure there will be some trainers to battle.”

 

“Good idea, Melanie.”

 

…..

 

Inside a black, fancy looking building located in the southern part of the city, a meeting is taking place between members of the Melona family. They are in a back room, sitting around a round table. One of the men stands up. He is a middle-aged man with brown eyes and he wears a gray suit, a gray trenchcoat, gray pants and a brown fedora. This man is Albert Melona; The boss of the Melona family. He has an angry expression on his face. “Those bumbling idiots messed up in their misson. What am I supposed to tell Master Phantom, huh?! That my guys are pathetic?!” Albert shouts angrily.

 

“Boss, no disrespect, but we ain't cut out for that type of work,” One of the men says, attempting to calm things down. “We ain't Team Phantom,”

 

“I have to agree,” A second man says. “Besides, you're the most feared crime boss in the city. Why do you need to become an associate of Team Phantom?”

 

Albert calms down. “It's not about becoming an associate of Team Phantom. It's about getting on the good side of the region's most feared criminal organization. Trust me, even the most hardened gangster would not dare to cross Team Phantom.”

 

“Boss has a point,” A third man chimes in. “As for now, I think it's time to move on to plan B.”

 

“Yes.....” Albert says.

 

…...

 

Travis and Melanie are at a local park popular among trainers. The park is large with many plants in it. Benches are scattered throughtout the park as well. Currently, many people are present at the park. Some are spending time with their Pokémon while others are in the middle of battles. Travis looks around, like he's looking for someone to battle, and Melanie notices this.

 

“Normally, you find someone quickly,” Melanie teasingly says.

 

“Yeah, well, not this time it seems,” Travis replies. Travis then takes out a Poké Ball from his belt and presse the button on the front to make the Poké Ball larger. Travis looks at the Poké Ball and smiles.“I'm sure this guy wants to have a battle as well. I didn't use him to stop those two guys at the lab incident, so I gotta make it up to him by using him in battle.”

 

“He's a fighter. Truly a fighter,” Melanie remarks. “He was also your first Pokémon.”

 

“Yep, and look at him now. He.....” Before Travis can finish, a loud rumbling noise gets the attention of Travis, Melanie, and everyone else present.

 

“What was that?!” A teenage boy shouts.

 

Suddenly, a Steelix appears in sight. Next to it is three men. Two of them are wearing black hats, black masks, and black uniforms. The third wears a black hat but has a black suit on with a red tie along with black pants. The third man also wears sunglasses.

 

“Those uniforms! It's gotta be Team Phantom!” A teenage girl shouts.

 

“Well, you guys catch on fast,” The man in the black suit says. “We are Team Phantom. We have orders from our boss to send a message to the trainers of this city; Don't cross us. Be afraid. Very afraid.”

 

Travis steps forward. “I'm not afraid.”

 

The man in the black suit smirks. “Oh, what can you do by yourself? Everyone fears us. Everyone.”

 

“No, he's not by himself. He has a friend.” Melanie snaps back. “A friend you do not want to mess with.”

 

“Enough of this! Steelix, get them!” The man in the black suit commands.

 

“Salamence, let's go!” Travis says as he throws the Poké Ball into the air to let his Pokémon out. Salamence lets out a powerful roar as it lands on the ground, preventing Steelix from moving forward. Travis turns to Melanie and everyone else there. “All of you, stay back for now. I'll deal with this.” Travis turns to the man in the black suit. “Try any dirty tricks and we'll stop you!” Salamence lets out another powerful roar.

 

“Interesting.....you wish to fight? So be it.” The man in the black suit says. “However, it will end badly for you.”

 

“Bring it on.” Travis says with a determined look on his face.

 

To be continued.....

 

…..

 

End of Chapter 1.

 

 

 

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So this was interesting. Gonna give a couple opinions now.

 

I really like your usage of dialogue. You have that mastered pretty well. It reads naturally, and isn't stilted at all, one problem a lot of writers have with it. However, your writing outside of the dialogue could use some work. The sentences are fairly clipped and short, so unless you're going for a Hemingway vibe here, I'd fix that. Not only this, but one thing that bugged me was how you introduced people:

 

"The young adult male has blue eyes and is wearing a black jacket, a black full sleeved shirt, and black pants. He has a Pyroar and a Gardevoir out. This is Travis Raider, a seasoned trainer. Behind him is a middle-aged man with short, brown hair wearing a white lab coat. The middle-aged man is Professor Redwood."

 

Not only is this incredibly stiff to read, but it is also fairly repetitious. Description. Name. Description. Name. Varying it up will really do wonders for making the writing flow more.

 

Another thing I noticed besides the dialogue were the battles. Oftentimes people find that the hardest aspect of writing Pokémon. You seem to have a good grasp on that already, which is nice. And while the plot isn't exactly the most original, and the characters haven't exactly captivated me, I think that this does have potential. Maybe try to brush up on your writing skills and take a look at examples of writing from your favorite books, see what they do that you like.

 

Ugh, I'm far too used to writing critiques... ^^; Anyway, had some good parts and bad parts, though overall it was good enough to make me want to write a reply, which is a bit of an accomplishment, since I'm fairly lazy. Looking forward to seeing how your writing improves.

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I think Sethera is right when commenting that your dialogue is probably one of the better attributes of your writing, but I think to say you've mastered it is a bit of a stretch. I noticed several times throughout the chapter that your dialogue seemed...unrealistic?

 

 

“Yeah, well, not this time it seems,” Travis replies. Travis then takes out a Poké Ball from his belt and presse the button on the front to make the Poké Ball larger. Travis looks at the Poké Ball and smiles.“I'm sure this guy wants to have a battle as well. I didn't use him to stop those two guys at the lab incident, so I gotta make it up to him by using him in battle.”

 

“He's a fighter. Truly a fighter,” Melanie remarks. “He was also your first Pokémon.”

 

The text above is a good example of what I am talking about. 

 

 

 

“I'm sure this guy wants to have a battle as well. I didn't use him to stop those two guys at the lab incident, so I gotta make it up to him by using him in battle.”

 

It doesn't seem likely that anyone would say all of this. Consider using a character's personal thoughts to convey this message instead of dialogue. In dialogue form this seems cumbersome and, as Sethera said, stiff. You need to work on making your dialogue more fluid, more believable. Instead of typing out robotic-esque sentences for your characters to say, give them some voice.

 

"Wish I'd got to open up this particular brand of whoop ass on those thugs." Travis said, retrieving one of the PokeBalls attached to his belt. "He hasn't had the chance to stretch his wings in awhile."

 

I think you can probably see how the above more fluidly conveys the message you were trying to get across. 

 

Sethera covered the issue with the writing outside of dialogue pretty well. It is highly simplistic and lacks variation, which makes reading it robotic and a bit boring. You seem to be telling your audience what is going on rather than showing us. For example:

 

 

Billy walked up to the barn. The barn's red paint was peeling off. He knew it was probably time to repaint it.

 

Billy made his way to the weathered barn, the crimson paint almost completely stripped away after years of exposure. The young farmhand shivered with the thought that the job of repainting it would almost definitely fall to him.

 

The top one is an example of telling, the bottom is an example of showing. Showing your audience what is happening in a scene makes the experience much more lifelike and immersive. Additionally, any chance to throw in some casual background information should be taken. In the top piece of writing, you don't know who Billy is or why the paint is peeling off. The bottom piece tells you that Billy is a young farmhand and confirms the inference that the barn is old. These are skills that are essential in telling a good story.

 

I think that's probably enough to work on for now. I'll leave you with the best advice any writer can receive. Use your voice. When I read your writing, it is simply text on a screen. I want to be able to live in the world that you are creating with your words, and the only way I can do that is if you use your voice to bring life to your writing. 

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