Official Character Review Thread

LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow · November 11, 2015

Hello and welcome writers one and all to the new hip and happening place in RP. This is the official YCM character reviewing thread and if it wasn’t obvious from the title this is where you can put up characters to be reviewed by myself or several others from the site. There’s quite a few rules and regulations so hold onto your butts and keep your itching posting finger away from the post button.

[spoiler=Premise]Why is this a thing exactly? Well simply put to let people git gud. Character creation is a hugely important thing in RPing and writing in general. And so this let’s people learn what they do write, er, right and wrong with characters. And hey, who doesn’t like having people who may or may not be totally qualified telling them how much they suck at character creation?
(spoiler it’s not gonna all be negative don’t worry your pretty little heads~)
Just remember that a bad/good review in no way affects who you are as a person and what we think about you. Don't feel bad if you get a bad review, it just means you have stuff to improve.

Keep in mind that each reviewer has a different style and set of opinions so there will be variations between them. Also any number of reviewers can review any single character.

[spoiler=Rules and How 2 Submit]-Well first of all, all YCM rules blah blah we have mods here just don’t do something stupid.
-You can only submit ONE character at a time. And if 10 characters are submitted do NOT submit another until I or one of the mods say it is okay.
-Complaining is not okay, we have our reasons for everything we say and do in here. However if you feel we’re going overboard feel free to let us know. Also feel free to explain certain choices but do understand that it might not change the overall rating.
-Be patient. We’re only human (hush Aix) and we may need time to go over the characters, just don’t keep bugging us about it unless we’re really really slacking. And in that case go directly to me.

Now on to submitting.

1.) First include where the character comes from. The OP of the OOC of the RP you made it for, or a short description of the world/plot of the story you made it for. If just a character without a “home” story yet, explain what kind of setting you made it for.

2.) Then you give either a link to the app, or copy the app (in spoiler) into your post. If it’s not from RP, you can skip this.

3.) If not from an RP you must write the description in the format of a typical RP application post. See “App Skeleton” below. You may fancy it up or format it however you like as long as it’s easily readable. But note fanciness of the app will not affect review in 99% of cases. (Unless it somehow adds to the character)

4.) Add any extra info that wasn’t in the original app that you’d like to mention afterwards.

[spoiler=App Skeleton]Name:
Age:
Gender:

Race:
Appearance:
Personality:
Biography:
Abilities:
Miscellaneous:

Note that there isn't a minimum line requirement. This is up to you but remember that we'll want as solid an idea as possible. I will say though for appearance if you use a picture please give some text description as well.

Please put a spoiler for the whole thing, and then spoiler anything beyond two lines of text.

[spoiler=How to Become a Reviewer]There’s gonna be a lot of characters to go through and we won’t be able to get to them all at once.
And so we’ll allow people to sign up to become a reviewer. And here’s how.
Include in your post the desire to be a reviewer. And explain why you believe you would be a good reviewer. Then you will be asked to review one of the apps put up for review, VIA PM SENT TO THE CURRENT REVIEWERS. If you do a good job, you’re in.

[spoiler=What is a Review?]Didn’t think I’d overlook this did ya? Well basically it’s a rating on your character. It will be based on how well made a character they are, how well written the descriptions are, how much synergy the character has with itself (too much discrepancy between fighting style, personality, biography, etc, is not a good thing in most cases) and how not broken they are. (This is why we’ll need the source material to see the general power level of the world they’re in). You’ll get critiques and advice on how to improve. There will be a /100 rating system but the written review is the main thing to look at.

There will, of course, be a limit to number of reviewers so that not everyone is one. And so we'll be very strict about who gets in.

Makο · November 15, 2015

~~first~~

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343183-aethertouched-interest-checkpg-16accepting/> OOC

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343183-aethertouched-interest-checkpg-16accepting/?p=6744007> APP

good luck have fun

LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow · November 15, 2015

Alright so we can color the topic title without it being removed by editing, the things that require editing will go...here.

[spoiler=Current Reviewers]Lord CowCow

Aez

More?

[spoiler=Review Archive]Lord CowCow, reviewing Mako's Conner 1.0. http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6752197

Aix reviewing Yui's Usagi. http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6752406

Lord CowCow reviewing Yui's Usagi. http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6752593

Lord CowCow reviewing Nai's Arthur. http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6753485

Lord CowCow reviewing VCR Cat's Saul Saiba's Cygnus. http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6758219

Lord CowCow reviewing Hyde's Blake. http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6759340

Aix reviewing Hollow's Roxie. http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6759993

Lord CowCow reviewing Kinkya's Needlepoint. http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6764191

Cherz reviewing Lord CowCow's Tabitha. http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6764880

Hi I'm Dad reviewing Zai's Sei. http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6765036

Lord CowCow reviewing Saiku's Asura and Hollow's Roxie. http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6770144

Lord CowCow reviewing Ce...ce...Spiders. (Nai): http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6773258

Lord CowCow reviewing Keto's Anton: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6777207

Lord CowCow reviewing Saiku's Katsu: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6779760

Lord CowCow reviewing Renegade's Heron: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6782324

Lord CowCow reviewing Chaos Sonic's Ben: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6785428

Lord CowCow reviewing Cosmo's Himiko: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6789398

Cherz reviewing Lord CowCow's Kira: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6789557

Lord CowCow reviewing Cherz's Ariana: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6797483

Lord CowCow reviewing Saiku's Kazo: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6801925

Lord CowCow reviewing San's Glauce: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6805617

Cherz reviewing Saiku's Rohin: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6816285

Cherz reviewing Chaos Sonic's Eton: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6816891

Lord CowCow reviewing Cherz's Ghost and Stalfos' Bones: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6830789

Lord CowCow reviewing Saiku's Rohin: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6833686

Lord CowCow reviewing Saiku's Mac: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6851331

DK reviewing Stalfos' Teijo: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6878287

Lord CowCow reviewing Hyde's Tabitha: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6889566

Lord CowCow reviewing Dova's Johannes: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6892280

Lord CowCow reviewing Aez's Adalade and Gaul: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6907118

Hi I'm Dad reviewing Stalfos' Skylar: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6917482

Lord CowCow reviewing Zai's Leo: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6918863

Aix reviewing Stalfos's Jillian: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6921461

Lord CowCow reviewing Nai's Ciela: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6921600

Lord CowCow reviewing Champion's Elijah: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6934778

Lord CowCow reviewing Champion's Elijah 2.0: https://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6950289

Lord CowCow reviewing Faytl's Houki: https://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6954945

Lord CowCow reviewing Conan's Freya: https://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6966043

Lord CowCow reviewing Stalfos' Ace and Sarah: https://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6966080

Aix reviewing VCR's Jack: https://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6966106

Lord CowCow reviewing VCR's Jack: https://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6968946

Aez reviewing Lord CowCow's Camille: https://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6989087

Lord CowCow reviewing Aez's Ostrich: https://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6990029

Lord CowCow reviewing Saiku's Ryouga: https://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=7009824

[spoiler=Ongoing Reviews]

Lord CowCow, Camille: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343590-official-character-review-thread/?p=6829708

Edit: New rule. Basically, if someone reviews your character and you want it to be reviewed by another, mention that after the review. But you can't do this more than once, and if there's a specific person you want to review let us know. From now on if someone reviewed your character and you don't mention wanting it to be reviewed again/by me, then I won't review them. I feel this will make things a bit easier on everyone.

Also to other reviewers. If you want to review a character just let me know and I will let you loose/not depending on the specific circumstances.

Yui · November 15, 2015

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343183-aethertouched-interest-checkpg-16accepting/?p=6750632

Yo while you're in Aethertouched apps, I'd like some C&C on this one. Same OOC link as Mako's post.

Dad · November 15, 2015

A review. Dictated but not read. And I quote, "you're all terrible."

LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow · November 15, 2015

~~first~~

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343183-aethertouched-interest-checkpg-16accepting/> OOC

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343183-aethertouched-interest-checkpg-16accepting/?p=6744007> APP

good luck have fun

[spoiler=First Review]

Well first thing I noticed was that the image provided does not really look like someone who weighs 190 lbs. I know it’s a small grievance but 190 is actually a bit overweight, even for those with large frames. It could be muscle mass but it’s hard to tell. There wasn’t really any written description which I know wasn’t required so I can’t fault you, but it’s a bit of a discrepancy that I kinda have to point out.

I know the 110% thing is an exaggeration but the first few sentences basically was a flowery way of saying “he’s really serious and hardworking”. Nothing wrong with a bit of fluff for flavor but that’s what I got so far. It would’ve been nice to know about what situations he would smile at, as you said he’s capable of enjoying himself but there’s no indication of what he’d enjoy.

I’m kinda bothered by the idea that he’s always striving to improve yet believes that there’s nothing he can’t do. It just feels kinda...wishy washy of a description. they don’t really fit together right, like trying to put a puzzle piece into a hole that’s slightly too small.

*sighs* yeah I kinda felt it was heading this direction. His drive and dedication is hiding his insecurities. I mean it’s not a terrible cliche but it is a really used one. It’s something I see often, it’s as if everyone with confidence secretly doesn’t have any. Truly insecure people have a lot more trouble hiding it than is implied here. It even says the rare moments can immobilize him, that seems off to me. That someone can go to such an extreme but most of the time come off as the opposite, and in fact actively suppress it, not very believable to me.

And once again, that damn puzzle piece. You already said he believes there’s nothing he can’t do, stop contradicting yourself so blatantly.

As to there being no trigger but happening in the “worst possible moments”. What are these moments? Why are they so bad and why does it so often happen during these moments despite not being triggered by something? Sounds like a plot device tbh, something that lets you just use it whenever you feel like it.

“He typically ignores such thoughts and replaces them with more will to succeed”

“At age 17, he was informed that the suppression of such thoughts is unhealthy for his mind, so he regularly practices mental strengthening and relaxation exercises to help him get through his mental troubles.”

More contradictions. Replacing and suppressing the bad thoughts while practicing doing...well, not that. It just feels off.

So here’s a huge problem imo. What are his morals? This was a large section saying he has a strong sense of justice and how his relationship with others depends wholly on how they fit in to his morality....but we don’t know what his morals are. For all we know he believes in survival of the fittest or racial supremacy.

And what are these special circumstances that make him rethink? And why?

The personality isn’t bad, it’s a good foundation, but there’s so many contradictions and questions that it’s hard to call it well done.

Okay so next up is Bio

Wisconsin eh? Interesting...Okay so family pressure and craving of approval, that certainly is a good start, though I’m not sure how much of a hereditarily focused profession gunsmithing is. I wonder why WW2, I can’t imagine his father was making those guns right?

I question letting a child work with guns and test them out like that honestly, and I would figure those shows have a lot of safety restrictions. So this feels a bit suspension of disbelief but I can live with it.

Seems an extreme reaction to failure but given how he was apparently conditioned to crave approval I can see it happening, though I think this could’ve been worked into the personality a bit more cohesively.

And speaking of which, if he at such a young age basically cast off social activity, he should be a lot more of an awkward person than he comes off as, he wouldn’t have a lot of basic social skills because of this. *sew now sow, btw

I still don’t get the WW2 fascination and that seems slightly out of nowhere, why? Why WW2? I really want to know and it’s a bit frustrating there’s no indication of what caused this.

And the Tokyo thing seems, tbh, really badly done. Like he doesn’t seem the type to choose a place willy-nilly but there’s really no reason I can see he’d go there. Instead of, say, Germany.

And now to the powers and such...wtf? He...wished for a gun and got a gun? That’s why he got his weapon? How? Sorry but this is the big “Huh?” moment for me. Mahou Shoujo military buff?

Unlimited bullets cause why not. I mean, I get this RP has hammy powers but might as well do a recharge time instead of actual bullets appearing.

What exactly is the measurement of this determination to succeed? The more at stake the stronger it gets? Speaking of, how strong? There’s not much of a scale that I can see.

Oh so the crazy ass gun wasn’t the power? Well this uhhh I can’t tell if horribly broken or horribly horrible. Like, ten stabs would be the equivalent of one? How’s this working in a practical situation? I don’t...get it. There’s a lot here but I can’t really see how it works. 10% of a gunshot wound still can seriously injure someone so...honestly this power feels useless. Since he slows down and can’t actually take the hits since he’d be broken after.

But you alternatively can’t make the damage he takes less because then it’d just be an invincible period. tbh I would have suggested a re-do on this one personally.

Overall I’d say this character is passable. His personality is a bit predictable but also contradictory. Though it isn't terrible and could be interesting to see in such a hectic RP. The bio is a little far-fetched and doesn’t tie in with the personality as much as I’d like, but it does the job of explaining several of his behaviors.

The fact that his powers just came to be is a huge negative in my eyes, the gun is fairly cool but the ability that comes alongside it is kinda badly designed for an action story such as this.

Rating: 70/100

Aix · November 15, 2015

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343183-aethertouched-interest-checkpg-16accepting/?p=6750632
Yo while you're in Aethertouched apps, I'd like some C&C on this one. Same OOC link as Mako's post.

Careful not to jizz because your character has just been graced by Aix.

[spoiler=Review]It's a nice concept, a character who is cheerful and forward looking despite having no eyes to look forwards with. She seems like someone who might make you forget that she's blind. I always enjoy a strong-willed person.

Thing is, no matter how strong-willed and upbeat she is, there's no way there was no lasting impact from her blindness. I don't see anything in your app, besides her refusal to fly, to suggest that her personality was really affected or that she developed at all in these series of events.

She's a corporate heiress, never in want of anything, and without a worry in her life. Her parents aren't the type to put huge amounts of pressure on her, so I don't think she's really tasted much hardship, or faced anything she hasn't been fully prepared for. All of a sudden, almost everything was stolen from her in a single extremely traumatizing incident, and then she has to go through months of pure torture.

You described how easily frustrated she is, and how much she loved seeing the world. Much of the appeal of travel can be found in the sights and taking in the atmosphere, but she can never do that any more. She can never really regain what she's lost; I can't image echolocation is any real replacement for sight. This is one of the worst things that could happen to her and the frustration she should feel should be huge.

Maybe she's going on as if nothing happened to cope, but detail her feelings after her loss.

I also wonder, how was she affected by her close encounter with death and how did she deal with how worried her parents must have been. What's her relationship with her parents? Did it change after the incident? I feel like a thing like that would definitely have some sort of impact and incur some sort of change. How does she feel about making them continue to worry when she runs off? Or does she not think about that?

I just feel you've made light of the trauma in the app. I can understand not wanting to be hugely angsty, and I can understand a character being strong and getting over it but having no sign of being impacted is quite unrealistic, especially for someone of her background and personality. Characters need to develop after major events in their life, and you need to include that in the app.

The other thing is, I'm not sure how her parents have prepared her for the life of a corporate heiress. Business trips aren't enough. Does she have a private tutor that travels with her?

Also you've mentioned several times about how she's going to be a trollish person, please include that in the app, that seems like an important thing to include. Skin grafts are actually pretty visible, but this is animesque so we'll just glaze over that.

Overall, it's a decent app. You've included everything that's important. The rest seems fine, and Nai already went over that stuff with you.

EDIT: Forgot I needed to rate this thing. Let's go with a solid 78/100. It's nothing too special in my eyes, but nothing really wrong with it either.

BANZAI!!!! · November 15, 2015

I think I'm going to review things now?

LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow · November 15, 2015

I think I'm going to review things now?

You'll have to pass the test. PM remember.

Also seems Aix got to Yui's first, okay that works, I might look over it and do a shorter review though. If so I'll edit it in if no one else posted and poke Yui about it.

And another thing, from now on I think we should quote the character post too just so if they change things it won't look strange.

Will be replacing Kokoro's app with the below. Please judge and stuff at your earliest convenience :)
[spoiler=The Blind Sightseer]
"I didn't even need eyes to see how awesome that was!"
Name: Usagi Yoshida

Age: 17

Soul Manifestation: Bo staff
[spoiler=Appearance]
Standing at 5'3" and weighing 107 pounds, Usagi's most prominent visual feature is a white blindfold with eyes drawn on them. Supposedly she owns several of these, as the eyes change often. If she does, they most certainly are stored in the large green hiker's backpack she's typically seen with, which contains other essentials for any number of situations, including but by no means limited to medical supplies, emergency food, and when not in use, her cane for those times when echolocation just doesn't cut it.

There is a very distinct purpose that she wears blindfolds instead of sunglasses, being that her eyes are glazed white and the skin between and around them has nasty burn scars that mar an otherwise-ordinary appearance.

[spoiler=Personality]
Usagi is a girl who wants to see all there is to be seen...figuratively speaking, of course. The lack of eyesight won't stop this one from enjoying the road ahead, wherever it may lead.

The first thing one would learn about Usagi is that she's a very upbeat individual. Pretty much always whistling a cheery tune as she goes around, this travel-happy girl seems to always have a smile on her face and a spring in her step. Even if something bad happens that leaves her feeling down, it's seldom something she won't just sleep off before being fine again the next day. However, staying in the same place for too long can frustrate her.

Another trait the keen observer will pick up on quickly is that she knows a good deal when she sees one. Growing up the sole heir to a big company, it was only natural that her parents teach her about business and value. As such, she's a sharp negotiator, but don't expect her to get too into said negotiations. Usagi is a free spirit through and through, and isn't too happy with her corporate heiress position, and since she associates in-depth negotiating with said status, she tries to avoid it whenever possible.

Usagi also loves to travel, as stated; it's her greatest passion in life. She's a very free-spirited type who believes that staying still in one place should only be acceptable once you're dead, and that nothing should ultimately stop a person from chasing their passions. This belief is something she'll apply to both herself and others, and if she learns somebody wants to do something but simply can't, rest assured she'll help get them started, provided it's nothing harmful to others.

Indeed, that's another thing about Usagi; she's a very good-natured girl. Aside from travel, one thing she tries her best at is giving someone a pick-me-up if they're having a bad time. Alternatively, if they're already having a nice day, Usagi doesn't mind at all sitting down and having a friendly chat. Generally the one who would talk for hours on end if you let her, Usagi is a person who is interested in hearing stories from other people, but doesn't know when to stop telling her own unless asked to.

Having said all this, as someone who is constantly moving from one place to another, Usagi's got a couple downfalls of her own that stem from this constant travel. As previously mentioned, she gets frustrated easily if she remains in one place for too long, but this is also due to a general lack of patience. When she's set on something, she wants it done fast and doesn't like waiting for things. Likewise, if she feels that someone or something isn't going anywhere anytime soon, Usagi will most likely just ditch it and move on to something else.

[spoiler=Biography]
One trope that always has amused Usagi is the anime protagonist whose parents travel the world for business and leave the kid at home. Because in her case, this was far from the reality; she's the sole heiress to a wealthy company working hard to break new ground in virtual reality, and while President Yoshida was hard at work in Usagi's native Kyoto, the girl herself was typically flown around the world with her mother on many a business trip to learn the trade up close so that she'd know what she was doing when her time to run the business came along.

Of course, her wanderlust is a trait she inherited from her mother, and the two were frequent sightseers wherever work took them. The Eiffel Tower, Big Ben, the Great Wall of China, and the Grand Canyon, among many others, are tourist hotspots the pair of mother and daughter checked out between business trips, always returning to Kyoto eventually to spend time with dear old dad before the next trip. To Usagi, this was the textbook definition of mixing business and pleasure. Eventually she knew enough about the job to start working for the company young as a second representative of the company.

Her first business trip could have gone better.

During a flight to Moscow, an engine malfunction led to the plane going down. The passengers - including Usagi herself - were of course panicked. After the flaming aircraft hit the ground a couple hundred miles short of a Russian airport, many of the passengers didn't even manage to get out alive. Usagi only managed to do so because the pilot had cut her seatbelt with a knife, saving her from a melted buckle and a burning demise. However, of the survivors, she was perhaps the closest one to dying, with burns all over the body and the optic nerves burned out from the light and heat. This plane crash may have cost Usagi her eyesight, but it was what turned her into an Aethertouched.

The next few months were Usagi's all-time low point. Unable to leave the hospital of a foreign nation due to second and third degree burns over the vast majority of her body, with a scarred body and no eyesight, Usagi's parents had to take a short leave of abscence from work to watch over her and her recovery. The burns healed themselves with time, but adjusting to her newfound blindness was a much bigger hurdle, even with her new Aethertouched powers. She had to learn how to read braille, navigate a room without seeing (which got easier once she realized she could use echolocation), and more tasks she never thought she'd actually have to learn.

As soon as she was healed up, Usagi's family demanded she return home immediately. Refusing to fly again after her near-death experience, the train rides across Russia and subsequent boat trip back home gave her more time to adjust to and accept that she wasn't going to see anymore. And upon returning to Kyoto, it was back to the hospital, but for a different purpose. Having just recovered from her burns, her family wanted Usagi to have skin grafts done over her burned body, both for the reasons that it would make for a more pleasing leader's face in time, and that her folks couldn't stand the sight of Usagi with her burn scars. That was more months spent in the hospital, for surgery and rehabilitation from having almost all the skin on her body replaced.

However, Usagi somehow soldiered on through the entire process, and stepped back onto the streets of Kyoto once again, the only burn scars remaining being around and between her eyes at her unusually-stern insistence. For a long time, she wasn't even allowed to leave Kyoto again. However, when it became clear that she'd grown unable to stay in one place for long, she was permitted to travel once more, this time on her own terms, but on the strict conditions that she not leave Japan and that she contact her parents daily.

Even this was merely a week ago. Free at last, Usagi darted all around the Kansai region before returning to her usual pace. Her first destination now that she's back to being as normal as she can be?

The greatest place to test how adapted she's really become to her blindness. Big and bustling Tokyo.

[spoiler=Aethertouched Ability]
In addition to the below powers, Usagi has keener senses of hearing and smell than many Aethertouched due to her lack of eyesight, similar to how a regular blind person would have stronger senses. Usagi's hearing is sharp enough to the point that she's capable of using echolocation in most situations, and her sense of smell is also sharp enough to track down those around her.

Double Vision: One of Usagi's illusion powers. This one allows her to create a fake Usagi which moves along a pre-determined path and vanishes when damaged or when reaching the end of its path. Usagi can only have one fake active at a time, but it doesn't take much to use this ability.

Now You See Me...: Usagi's secondary illusion power is capable of rendering her invisible. However, since she relies on echolocation, this ability is generally impractical since she's always making noise.

My Perspective: Usagi's strongest illusion power. This illusion is one that swallows up light, nulling it in a 20-meter radius around Usagi. This effectively renders everyone around her blind for as long as they're in the 10-foot radius. Keeping this active can be a drain on Usagi if maintained for too long, so it's usually the first or last trick she'll use.

[spoiler=Misc]
Usagi's whistling is actually so that she can use echolocation to make out her surroundings.

When writing, Usagi uses scented markers so that she can smell where she's already written. She can't make out the specific characters, however.

Since she relies on echolocation, her perception can be thrown off if the same noise surrounds her on all sides, such as in heavy rain or noisy crowds.

Prone to seasickness, which makes overseas travel difficult since she refuses to sit in an airplane.

Because she did a lot of traveling, Usagi's very skilled in English by necessity.

[spoiler=Under 500 word review]

Well Aix said a lot of what I wanted about her not seeming very affected by the blindness/accident. It just feels like you used the disability to make her more interesting which is something I really dislike in characters.

As to appearance, the blindfold eye thing kinda sorta goes into that. Like she’s making light of her problem. If this was reflected in her personality, trying to pretend everything’s okay by making jokes about the blindness while actually not being okay with it, that’d be cool. But it’s not. Again just seems tacked on for amusement.

I do like her being cheerful but just try and make sure it’s realistic, also what does she do when frustrated? Like if she’s forced to stay in one place, how does she act?

I kinda feel there’s not enough negatives. Like it feels like the blindness is acting as a counter to her being too perfect of a person, and it probably shouldn’t work that way.

I’m glad you put in that the mom goes with her, because that was a bit of a sticking point, especially since it implies she has done this since she was really young.

I can’t remember if pilots carried knives but I assume they do so won’t linger there.

I still say it’s a bit sudden, her overcoming of the blindness. Especially as.. *checks* Holy cow she’s only 17? That’s bad. That’s really bad. How long has she been blind? How long has she traveled for? 17 seems really really young to have gone through such trauma and bounced back especially.

I think you should explain the extent of the echolocation tbh, because right now it feels like a catch-all phrase to get away with whatever you need.

She feels kinda weak honestly, but that’s fine. Just be aware that she can’t do much from what I can tell...and how good is she with that staff? I imagine she learned some self-defense but she probably wouldn’t be a master, especially as you literally have nothing in the app about self-defense. Which is probably an oversight.

Overall she's kinda just...unbelievable and feels like its using blindness as a quirk more than anything else

Rating: 76. I expect more from you next time Yui~

Maeriberii Haan · November 16, 2015

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343183-aethertouched-interest-checkpg-16accepting/?p=6743989Another Aethertouched app is being submitted.

Let's see how you guys roast her. Kinda wish to put one of my older apps here, will do that once this one is reviewed.

Astolfo · November 16, 2015

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Interested? Read on!

Welcome, I'm the roleplayer known as Neph to most around here. Seems like I'll be helping out with the review, but before you come and ask, keep a few things in mind. It'll help a lot as if to deciding whether or not you want me to review your character. First, I can be quite nitpicky on various things, whether it be important or just little things that I felt off. Second, I can be quite blunt about reviews, but I try to not be needlessly mean, although more 'exasperating' apps can be a headache to review, and thus make me a bit snappier than usual. Third, I will usually offer help to some extent, as well as praise on the parts you did good, as an effort to try and not seem all negative. If you're fine with being tested by one of the harsher graders of this section, read on.

How to Submit

If you specifically want your app to be reviewed by me, a few of the following things would be much appreciated. Firstly, please do address somewhere in the very beginning with a note to my name or username or one of my various nicknames. This makes it easier to find through just CTRL-F, and as a result, "@Neph" (without the quotation marks) would usually be preferred. Second, please do spoiler your entire app, it makes it quite a chore to scroll through an entire page filled with long apps which take forever to go back and up down through. Third, please do try to spoiler each section separately (Appearance/Personality/so on and so forth). Makes it easier to click in and out of each section one at a time.

Rules

1. Please do not demand for me to review your application or to hurry up with your application. As of current, I am a Junior HS student and thus can be very busy at times. I will try to get around them as fast as I can, but not if you keep pestering me about it.2. Do note that as a review, scores and grading are obviously subjective to my ideas and beliefs, and thus, do not expect me to follow or have similar grading policies to another RPer/reviewer for this thread. If you feel slighted by my reviews, feel free to PM me and we can try to discuss civilly.3. Just more of a tip, but if you're brand new to RPing or otherwise quite new, I will try to be more easygoing on the reviews, however, I'd rather prefer if you asked one of the more laid-back graders, as I can periodically get quite heated about reviewing numerous apps that have typical beginner mistakes. Not saying it's bad or anything - after all, everyone starts as a beginner. But with 24 hours a day, most of which is spent on sleeping/eating/studying/real life/other reviews, going through and marking lots of things for one app for multiple apps can be a bit tiresome. On better days, I might do reviews for just about anything though, depending on my mood. Please do understand.4. Please only submit one app to me at a time, I don't really care for having multiple apps by the same person all in my log, when there are multiple potential people that might need reviews. If there are not that many people though, feel free to request another review for another app.5. While I will focus on the ones addressed to me first, I will do all reviews in general if I have free time. This does not mean I will always do it, so please do not pester me if I do not get around to it if you haven't addressed it to me.6. If you wish for a certain section only to be reviewed, feel free to post just that section, but there should be enough of the rest of the app for that section you wish reviewed to fit in context and make sense.7. Please request a reasonable amount/in a reasonable time. Just use common sense.

Links

[spoiler=Backlog]

[spoiler=Finished]

VCR_CAT · November 16, 2015

Submitting my good pal Saul in for review. Saul was originally made as a primary antagonist for an RP I admin'd a couple years ago. His design started out pretty simple: Proud, intimidating, a strong ideology and standards for what is right and wrong, and a very embittered attitude towards those who has wronged him. The main idea was to make one of those big, intimidating leader villains that are actually quite reasonable (don't immediately just execute as punishment for failure) and actually have strong reasons for doing what they do, even if the end-goal is inherently wrong.

For Golden Gate Empire, I went a different route. I knocked him down every peg from a proud, feared ruler, to a last survivor of a race that was hunted to extinction. In this RP, instead of making him as a character who willingly entered the tournament, I presented him as someone who was forced to enter against his will with victory presenting the only chance for survival as well as achieving a long-desired revenge that has brooding for a very long time. His dynamic of having lived a big portion of his life as a hermit in southern China attempting to abide by Buddhist lifestyles as a means to escape from his bitter and painful memories has been interesting in a setting of high-tech luxuries. Not only does the bitter angle turn into on that's fun to write, Saul became the straight-man of the RP despite having no qualms chopping off your head if he needs to.

Profile: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/335721-golden-gate-empire-co-hosted-by-unendingempire-no-longer-accepting-applications/?p=6649507

OOC of the RP: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/335721-golden-gate-empire-co-hosted-by-unendingempire-no-longer-accepting-applications/

LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow · November 16, 2015

Applying as reviewer, wished I noticed this was up sooner to have my post up higher so it's easier/quicker to see.
Should be fairly obvious that I can RP/review pretty well, and I really don't believe in the test thing except maybe for the newer auditioners.
If they're an experienced RP'er/reviewer, might as well let them just do it.

Will edit post here later for review format/application sending/etc.

Too bad you have to do the test thing anyway. :3

Anyway planning on reviewing Nai's thing today at least.

LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow · November 17, 2015

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/343183-aethertouched-interest-checkpg-16accepting/?p=6743989Another Aethertouched app is being submitted.

Let's see how you guys roast her. Kinda wish to put one of my older apps here, will do that once this one is reviewed.

[spoiler=Protector of Love and the Commons ]

"I'll carve my love straight into your soul!”

"Well...maybe I need to start working on my relationship first or something...."

Personal Information
Name: Arthur Almark
Alter Ego: Emerald Maiden
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Blood Type: O
Birthday: January 6th
[spoiler=Appearance]
177 centimeters tall. Weight is classified. It's not nice to ask about a lady's weight, y'know? She can run in high heels easily, somehow.

[spoiler=Personality]
First of all, there are two sides of Arthur. Both are definitely her, and she embraces both of her identities as herself. Normally a quiet and reserved young woman, but after her soul had been aethertouched, she lived to her full desire of becoming a knight of fantasy – chivalrous, noble, passionate, eager for combat, and charismatic. As she dons her full costume, she is no longer the unremarkable college student. She lives up to the name of being a superhero - a knight in shining armor that upholds justice for the oppressed.

She doubted herself a lot, but she always kept pushing through despite these doubts. Her mantra is simply “Just do it. Don’t let your dreams be dreams.” And it works to keep her from stopping, no matter how bleak things are for her.
She used to be very idealistic, but her bad experience ended up shattering that idealism completely. She ended up now fighting just because she felt people needed her. While she has left the mindset of merely following her life as a vigilante just for fun and to live her dream, in heart it is still her biggest motivation.

Though, she’s actually very brittle emotionally. Despite her always managing through any of her slumps eventually with her determination, her falling into those slumps happens a lot. She’s also very insecure and lonely, but being a hero, she never talks about it to anyone – for fear of showing a weakness to the people she protects. This also means that people’s opinion on her affects her a lot. If they start to doubt her, her capabilities as a hero, or whether she even fought for them truthfully or not, she'll start emotionally falter, and ultimately crumble.

Perhaps right now, the only thing remaining to explain is what kind of ideal of justice she's even fighting for. Despite of everything, and her claim that right now she's only doing the hero thing for fun and since she believes that it's right, she still fights as a way for her to establish justice. But what even is that? In the end, it's something that she believes to be fighting to eliminate any kind of wrongdoing. Whose definition of wrongdoing, though? What constitutes to be right or wrong? Right now, she's still following her own, but truthfully, she has little to no idea on whose idea of it should she follow. Perhaps soon she would be able to truly define what "Justice" even is.

[spoiler=Biography]
Arthur lived her life as a normal girl with a normal interest for the most part. She came from a relatively normal middle class family in mainland Britain. Aside from her really masculine name, she was…not really that remarkable, life experiences-wise. She graduated from high school and entered a local university to continue her studies regarding medieval-era history, and that’s pretty much it. Well, as a fan of costume plays and Live-Action Role-playing, she often joined such events, but that’s pretty normal.

Things changed somewhat later on, however. She became very bored of her complacent, normal life, and decided to try becoming a vigilante in real life, to live the dream that she had since she's a kid. She had little training to do the whole hero thing, of course, and while she's able to stop some smaller crimes, soon she found herself in a big bind - she accidentally got herself captured by a violent gang when she tried to break a fight, and while she was able to be saved by the police after one month of being a captive, the entire experience broke her mind completely.

She became more and more withdrawn, and her life slowly crumbled around her. Facing the reality that trying to live her dream only led her to ruin, she ended up falling into a deep depression. Losing her passion or desire to do much else, she spent most of her days lying down on her home, not doing anything else. However, this slump that she experienced ended up awakening her ability – and more importantly, after just three months, she regained her will to become a hero to the people once more.

Having becoming a knight in a shining armor, she wouldn’t let anything else stop her from upholding justice in society. No matter how many times she fall, no matter how much the world refuses to change, she had decided that she will become the hero that people needed.

One year after the incident, and Arthur kept on doing her self-appointed duty, neglecting her studies in the process. She met with some resistance from the authorities, but since she's still popular enough among the common people, she didn't see it as a problem. She had some breakdowns during the period, but it's not something she mull over for too long. And thankfully no one actually was aware of her identity as the Emerald Maiden just yet, so she could still live her daily life in peace.

Speaking of it, she managed to save up some money from her part-time job as a library assistant, and she decided that this year, she'd go to the Winter Comiket, and thus she went into a vacation to Japan.

[spoiler=Ability/Manifest]
First of all, not related to Aether at all, she carries a custom-made whipsword, in its normal state looking like ornate rapier. It’s far from sharp, but it’s very well-made, and it can still be used as a weapon by her, who enjoyed a big boost in her ability to use it after her ability has awakened. Most of the time it’s treated as a prop for her cosplay, however.

Her awakening also gives her superhuman strength and speed, as usual. Mainly speed and mind coordination.

Knight of Honor: How her soul manifests. Becoming a sort of full-plated silver armor, her identity is fully concealed in this form, and it also wraps her rapier and turns it into a broadsword that she can handle in one hand masterfully. Despite her appearance, she is very agile when clad in armor. The soul’s weak point is in a certain ruby-colored gem on the armor’s chest.

An addendum to its skill, Arthur can cast off the armor and have it assemble as a separate fighter from her that she can control freely.

The Word of the World: The burning emotion of the people would allow her to surpass her limits. As a hero, she will gain the determination poured within these emotions, and turn it into the power to create the path of her justice. She could turn them into a tangible form of energy that she could use and shape in many ways, even to transform herself, and this energy will only grow more and more the more her and others' passion and emotions burn. The form of others' emotion also affect the form of this energy. It is the energy of evolution, the energy where with it, everything is possible. It is the light of the human SOUL.

She can have herself be temporarily immune to side effects of some Aether-based power if they're not physically manifested, but it will consume a significant amount of her determination, so she definitely can't keep it up too much.

However, this ability is limited if she cannot act truly to her ideal, and she needs to be as bombastic as possible to be able to use it. Unsubtlety is the key of success, and the less she acts like a bombastic fictional heroine, the ability’s effectiveness will slowly decay. This decay also can be prevented if she declares her attack name before she use them, but she cannot declare the same name for an attack, or a very slight variation of it.

[spoiler=Miscellaneous]
-Theme Song: Battle Against a True Hero
-Her hair is originally blonde. She’s just using a wig. This really help her to avoid people to know her secret identity.
-The rapier IS a cosplay prop. She just went ahead and ask a smith to make it as painstakingly usable and realistic as possible ~~using most of her life saving for that~~.
-She has a really messy love life. Been into six relationships, none of them lasts for more than a week. She’s getting a bit desperate now.

Finished for now.

[spoiler=Review for Senpai]

Alright let’s start with the obvious. The name. I don’t mind it, it’s a bit strange but I’ve seen much much stranger names for people before so not gonna linger.

She’s quite tall I see, and...I thought you generally aren’t supposed to not say weight? Like when you have a character/app it’s good to include the weight even if the character doesn’t admit it themselves. Also I’m gonna assume running in heels easily has something to do with the whole super power hammy thing this particular world is based on otherwise I’d say that’s a bit eh.

Does she always wear such an outlandish outfit? I am assuming not, so it might be nice to have included a bit of what she casually looks like.

Moving on to Personality now.

Ahhh this one is a contradiction that is more explained. Its less that the personality contradicts itself its that the contradiction is part of the personality. Well if you can pull it off then sure but it’s a very tricky thing to make believable. Hopefully there’s an explanation.

And the explanation seems to be that she’s usually reserved but had a sorta magical girl transformation that lets her live out some kind of hero fantasy. Hmmm. I’ll be honest I’d have loved this more if it weren’t for the fact that it’s a bit bland to have this particular combination. Quiet and reserved into, well, the opposite has been done a lot. And it’s the one that’s hardest to understand. Basically when it comes to this kind of thing it’s hard to believe if there’s not some kind of somewhat broken psyche. Something that makes her able to switch based on something irrelevant. We'll see if it's expanded upon.

Points for the meme usage but really it’s a bland trait to have. That is to say doubting herself but pushing through based on determination. Not to say that doesn’t happen but...it’s just a little dull, especially as the way it comes off it’s almost...a negative trait that isn’t really negative. Looks to be something tacked on to say “Hey she has flaws” but then immediately it’s made a non-flaw.

It’s a bit off to say she’s no longer idealistic yet fights because she’s needed but I’ll see what this event was before judging this.

Okay I do quite like the idea that if she’s doubted it’ll destroy her, that does make the determination thing a bit better actually. Since now it’s less a regular determination and instead a sorta...desperate determination. Also could help explain the personality shift as well. I could be reading too much into it but it feels like that and I do like that idea.

Though so far all I’ve got from her is that she’s insecure and desperate to be the hero she thinks people wants. Which is nice but it’s not much of substance imo.

Hmmmmmmmm she’s trying to defend a justice that she doesn’t even understand. It could be pretty cool honestly but also...almost a cop-out. I really would like to know what basic idea of justice she follows...I mean obviously she has to have some idea otherwise she wouldn’t be able to do the hero thing.

Now that that’s done, Bio.

I do like the idea of a normal girl backstory when compared to the kind of RP this is, though again normal girl to hero of justice just feels overdone.

It feels awfully unrealistic this jump to vigilante. Most people wouldn’t be so drastic, starting small usually. And what kind of gang kidnaps someone for a month for no real reason? I mean, maybe, but also it feels this is a bit over-the-top. Glad she didn’t come out of it unscathed though, so I can let it pass.

...Did she regain the will by gaining her powers or what? There...doesn’t seem any real reason she should have broken out of such a horrible depressive state....The only thing I can figure is she’s still utterly broken and insane but that wasn’t really written so I can’t assume that’s the case.

It just feels, like with Yui's blind character, that the slumps/depression/breakdowns are more an accessory than an actual character trait, and I’m not sure how to feel about that.

Powers time this should be good.

Rapier whipblade sounds crazy impractical buuut since it’s a prop I’ll let it slide.

Oh wait her costume is the armor...then does she actually usually dress like that? Hmm. Her personality seems to imply she wouldn’t want to stand out when not in hero mode...

Literally having a “hit the weakpoint for massive damage” is kinda amusing.

The casting off of the armor seems quite strange and tacked on honestly, especially with how it’s...well tacked on at the end so abruptly. ^^;

I love the idea that she’s powered by other’s emotions, however I will say that can lead to some really iffy scenarios. Is she useless without a crowd? How do you determine how much energy the crowd has?

And most importantly. “However, this ability is limited if she cannot act truly to her ideal” We already established she doesn’t know her ideal, really. So this is a huge huge problem to me. It just doesn’t work.

As a side-note. Six relationships that last less than a week means like a month and a half worth of relationships, how spread out is this? When did she start? Cause that doesn’t seem like much in the long run.

Okay overall the character is fairly good and has mad potential but is limited in that there’s several things too vague and wishy washy feeling, as well as the fact that the chosen path is a bit dull, a good portion of it seems to come from a typical character type. I suppose for the setting this could make sense but to me it’s a bit lackluster. There’s some really fun things about the character though (such as the desperate determination and the last power) but it’s not really expanded upon well enough for me.

Rating: 78/100

Saiba Aisu · November 17, 2015

Just double-checking, we're allowed to submit characters from existing RPs that have already started, correct? Just in case we want feedback on them?

LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow · November 18, 2015

Just double-checking, we're allowed to submit characters from existing RPs that have already started, correct? Just in case we want feedback on them?

sheet man sorry I missed this. And yeah you can do that.

Also Drew home-cat I'll try and get around to reviewing soon. Gonna be interesting reviewing a character I've seen IC personally.

Saiba Aisu · November 20, 2015

The RP:

Teen Titans: Twilight of the Gods

The Character:

[spoiler=Valérian De Raine]

"I didn't ask for any of this. You wouldn't understand."

Personal Information:

Name: Valérian De Raine | "Cygnus"

Age: 360 (Appears 20)

Gender: Male

Astrological Sign: Virgo

[spoiler=Appearance]

[base Image]

Cygnus stands just short of six feet at 5"11, and weighs in at 150 lbs. His figure is lean and athletic, most closely resembling that of a runner, or perhaps a dancer. His rather pale complexion is further offset by his white hair—as a result, he sometimes appears to be emitting a gentle silver glow, especially in the dark. He usually wears his hair in the style depicted above, with long layered bangs that tumble over his brow and onto his face. His dark blue eyes are large, expressive and deep-set.

His standard outfit consists of a dark gray long-sleeved silk shirt inlaid with silver designs at the neck, paired with shoulder pads decorated with white feathers. He also wears form-fitting black breeches and thigh-high hunting boots—the final effect is a thus a cross between an 18th century noble and a huntsman, but it is not at all unpleasant. For missions, he dons a headdress of resistant light-weight metal, fashioned to resemble a swan, which provides some additional protection (apart from that, he wears no armor). From time to time, he can be seen wearing silver earrings, usually in the shape of a crucifix or fleur-de-lys.

[spoiler=Personality]

Although he was once outspoken and lighthearted, the last three centuries have transformed Cygnus into a rather taciturn individual, haunted by his memories of the past. While he can be superficially charming if the situation calls for it, more often than not his remarks are punctuated by his rather cold and sharp wit. His frosty demeanor usually keeps others at arm's distance, thus impeding his ability to form lasting, meaningful relationships. This is a conscious defense mechanism, as the cruel inevitability of time has taught him more than once that it doesn't pay to get overly attached to mortals. He is thus solitary by nature and most at peace when left to his own devices.

Chief among these is reading: Cygnus is an avid reader and views books as an opportunity to escape into other worlds where life is much less complicated. Over the course of the past two hundred years, he has assembled a respectable collection of rare books with a particular focus on history, sorcery, politics and philosophy. As a result of his travels over the course of several decades, he has a strong grasp of geography and foreign language. He also has an appreciation for music, painting, and poetry, and occasionally dabbles in the latter, although he would rather die than see his poetry read by someone else.

Underneath his distant exterior, however, Cygnus is noble, idealistic and genuinely committed to justice and protecting the weak. Even by Justice League standards, he possesses a remarkable ability for staying focused in desperate situations, although he does have a temper that flares up from time to time. While the path that led him to crime-fighting was circuitous and full of unexpected developments, he nevertheless takes his responsibilities as a member of the Teen Titans very seriously.

[spoiler=Biography]

Cygnus was born in 1765 as Valérian De Raine, the only son of a French-speaking noble family on the Franco-German border, in the region that is today known as Alsace-Lorraine. Favored by King Louis XVI, the family lived in a splendid chateau at the foot of a massive lake and was responsible for governing the surrounding lands. Growing up, Valérian was inseparable from his twin sister, Odette; both were groomed from an early age to make respectable marriages to further the family's wealth and prestige. Over the years, many suitors vied for Odette's hand in marriage, but none were worthy of his daughter in eyes of Lord Olivier De Raine. The most persistent of these was Baron Eric Von Rothbart, a German nobleman who had recently crossed the border.

One day, Valérian became aware that despite his father's refusal, Rothbart had taken to stalking Odette around the lake, pleading with her to elope with him and threatening to harm to her family if she refused. Determined to put an end to Rothbart's antics, Valérian accompanied his sister to the lake one night and confronted the other man. As the full moon shone upon the lake's surface, Rothbart revealed his true form: a wicked sorcerer, wreathed in a cloak of shadow and flame. Determined to make Odette his bride, he cast a terrible curse upon Valérian, transforming him into a swan and dooming him to an eternity of loneliness. Valérian could only watch hopelessly as his sister was borne away, screaming, begging for him to save her.

From one day to the next, the happiness of the De Raine family was destroyed. With both of their beloved children gone without a trace, Lord Olivier and his wife, the Lady Angélique, fell into deep depression. Days became weeks, weeks became months, and months became years, and with each passing moment their despair grew, until one by one, the responsibilities they had fulfilled so dutifully for so many years fell into utter neglect. So consumed were they by their sorrow, they failed to notice the white swan that flew over the chateau day and night, keeping watch, waiting desperately for Odette to return. For the Lord and Lady, it was almost a relief when the country was consumed by the chaos of the French Revolution and they were sentenced to the guillotine. After their deaths, the chateau was looted and fell into disrepair, eventually transforming into a crumbling ruin.

Yet Valérian remained, bound to the lake by the power of Rothbart's curse. With each passing year, the spell weakened, until finally, he was able to reclaim his human form. To his surprise, despite the fact that more than 50 years had passed, he hadn't aged a day past 20. The only thing that had changed was his dark brown hair, which had turned white as snow. More surprisingly, he appeared to have inherited a portion of Rothbart's magical power. For the next two hundred years he searched for Odette, scouring all of Europe in an attempt to find his sister. As the years passed, he realized that unless Rothbart had also cursed her with eternal youth, Odette would be long since dead. Clinging to this last hope, he refused to give up.

Eventually, Valérian's antics captured the attention of the Justice League, who took him in and helped him to develop his magical abilities. Convincing him to use his powers for the good of mankind, the League gave him the operative name "Cygnus" and assigned him as one of the members of the new division of Teen Titans stationed in Aurora City. Naturally, he remains obsessed with tracking down Rothbart and exacting his revenge—a task to which he plans to dedicate every ounce of the League's considerable recon and intel capabilities.

[spoiler=Powers & Abilities]

Lunar Magic: Cygnus is skilled in various kinds of light-based sorcery. His powers are intricately tied to the moon, meaning that their strength waxes and wanes depending on the different stages of the lunar cycle: when the moon is full, his powers are at their peak; when there is no moon, he is completely powerless. His abilities manifest as constructs of white light—primarily concussive energy blasts, sharp crescent blades, or spherical shields. He is highly resistant to magical or energy-based attacks, yet his speed and strength do not exceed those of the average human male. Although these magic abilities are his most powerful and frequently employed weapons in combat situations, Cygnus has only recently attained mastery over them thanks to his intensive training with the Justice League, and it remains clear that he still has much to learn.

Eternal Youth: As a result of Rothbart's spell, Cygnus is cursed with eternal youth, rendering him immortal in a certain sense. He is not, however, invincible—a bullet through the head or a knife through the back are just as fatal to him as to any other human. He is also similarly susceptible to injury, but not disease.

Master Swordsman: While he rarely engages in close combat, Cygnus is a talented swordsman, having studied the ways of the sword as part of his training as a nobleman. He has a particular fondness for the one-handed sword.

[spoiler=Standard Weapons & Equipment]

None.

Additional Information:

• In addition to his native French, Cygnus speaks English and Spanish fluently, albeit with a slight accent. He understands German, Portuguese, Italian, and Russian.

• Cygnus has met many of his favorite authors and artists in person, including Edgar Allan Poe, Alexandre Dumas, Victor Hugo, and Hans Christian Andersen, as well as Pablo Picasso, Salvador Dali, and Claude Monet.

• Cygnus is openly homosexual and has had many famous lovers throughout the years. One of these was Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, who, inspired by Cygnus' story, would later write the famous ballet, "Swan Lake." Given the homophobic constraints of 19th century Russian society, Tchaikovsky was forced to rewrite the story as a heterosexual romance.

• Cygnus' Themes: "Moon" - Origa | "Swan Lake Ballet" - Tchaikovsky

• Image Credit: "White Swan" - tincek-marincek on Deviantart.com

Hopefully I didn't make any formatting mistakes. Looking forward to seeing the feedback and critiques you guys will provide! Thanks.

LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow · November 23, 2015

Submitting my good pal Saul in for review. Saul was originally made as a primary antagonist for an RP I admin'd a couple years ago. His design started out pretty simple: Proud, intimidating, a strong ideology and standards for what is right and wrong, and a very embittered attitude towards those who has wronged him. The main idea was to make one of those big, intimidating leader villains that are actually quite reasonable (don't immediately just execute as punishment for failure) and actually have strong reasons for doing what they do, even if the end-goal is inherently wrong.

For Golden Gate Empire, I went a different route. I knocked him down every peg from a proud, feared ruler, to a last survivor of a race that was hunted to extinction. In this RP, instead of making him as a character who willingly entered the tournament, I presented him as someone who was forced to enter against his will with victory presenting the only chance for survival as well as achieving a long-desired revenge that has brooding for a very long time. His dynamic of having lived a big portion of his life as a hermit in southern China attempting to abide by Buddhist lifestyles as a means to escape from his bitter and painful memories has been interesting in a setting of high-tech luxuries. Not only does the bitter angle turn into on that's fun to write, Saul became the straight-man of the RP despite having no qualms chopping off your head if he needs to.

Profile: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/335721-golden-gate-empire-co-hosted-by-unendingempire-no-longer-accepting-applications/?p=6649507

OOC of the RP: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/335721-golden-gate-empire-co-hosted-by-unendingempire-no-longer-accepting-applications/

[spoiler=You really gotta spoiler your apps bro]

Name: Saul (no last name found)
Gender: Male
Age: Unknown
Species: Titan - An ancient race of super-human creatures in both stature and ability; ageless and magical, Titans are said to have roamed the earth thousands of years ago.

Appearance: Saul stands at the average height for a Titan; around 7' 5" with a very well-built and scar-covered body. Covering the top of Saul's head is a long mane of platinum-blonde hair, complimenting the piercing gaze of his amber eyes. While it said that Saul is very old, even for a Titan; his face looks to be that of a man around his mid-forty's with an air of authority and intimidation. Saul normally wears an ornate short, unbuttoned black robe to show his chiseled torso; and complimented by well-fitting cloth pants. Strength-wise, Titans are incredibly strong and durable beings; being able to lift around 1-ton objects at most and sprint at olympic levels. It's no wonder the rest of humanity saw these things as threats.
[spoiler= Closest I could find; but not 100% accurate. Pay no attention to the clothing.]

Biography: Titans have been gone for a long time. As a child, Saul was prince of his family's nation and next in line for the throne. However, things went sour as war after war broke out against the human nations; humans who feared the Titans for their power and their strength. Hunted one by one, the Titans were driven to extinction by the humans. Sacrificing their lives, Saul's parents ensured that their son would survive and live to tell their story. That was the last that Saul had seen of his parents.

Since then, Saul has hidden in the mountains of southern China seeking peace and solitude; away from humans and away from his memories. Even from there, he witnessed many wars and a lot of death; from the mongols and further on. Every so often, someone stumbled across Saul; some looking for help in the wilderness, and others looking to end his life. Each time, Saul was driven further into solitude. Over the years, the legend of the Titans went from history, to legend, to myth, until it was forgotten from the minds of man. However, this wasn't long lived.

In a swift attack, covert-ops soldiers managed to capture and detain Saul; taking him to an unknown facility to be tested. There, Saul's hatred and anger seemed to only grow. It was here that Saul was offered an ultimatum by a shadowey figure: Win the Secret Cup Tournament, and gain back all that was lost; if not, then he should expect to live the remainder of his days in a tortured state as a lab rat. With no other choice, Saul was forced to enter to the Secret Cup Tournament; however, earning back what was lost is not as high on the list of priorities as revenge.

Personality: Humorless, stoic, and generally unpleasant; Saul has no time for nonsense. After spending so much time in solitude, Saul is not one to be used to socializing or really have any appreciation for it. Besides his consistent cold shoulder, Saul has a complete and utter disdain for humans. Saul sees humans as evil, corrupted creatures who deserve to be cleansed from the surface of the planet, and sees himself as the last surviving member of the superior race. Blatant racism aside, Saul is also known to be rational and very patient; willing to seek the wisest course of action in his battles; yet he's also stubborn to his own values and beliefs. That said, he's not an evil man; he does have a strict set of morals. But he is willing to do whatever it takes to achieve his goals, which he believes to be righteous and justified.

Weapon of Choice:
The Nail of Sephirot: An old, two-handed sword that measures at roughly 4-5 feet of length. The blade itself is angled very slightly so that the base at the hilt is just slightly wider than that of the tip. The tip of the blade is flattened square, and the metal itself is comprised of an alloy made primarily of depleted uranium for that of a mass and hardness far beyond that of any normal sword, with the blade edges covered in a steel alloy. The blade itself is heavily enchanted and covered in many ancient runes; granting it near-indestructibility and the ability to superheat itself without damaging itself.

Power Array:
Razeil's Cleansing: From his palm, Saul can generate a searing beam of light of great strength that can be held for a short time.
Gabriel's Healing: A blessing spell that heals some wounds and grants Saul brief boosts to his strength and ability. Can only be used once in a battle.
Michael's Rage: Summons a great pillar of flames in front of Saul that moves forward away from him for about 20 meters before dissipating.
Zaphkiel's Strength: A flash-step move with Saul's blade that grants incredible strength and magnifies the firey ability of Saul's blade both for a very brief amount of time; enough for a single strike. Has a maximum range of 10 feet.

Themes:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgNLXG-dAKM

[spoiler=reviewww]

No last name found? Does that mean no last name or are you just not saying? Same for age, is that actually unknown? Keep in mind in apps it’s usually wanted to say these things but also mention how it’s unknown.

There’s not much about Titans but I suppose that is the minimum needed, so that could be fine. Just would like more elaboration on some vague stuff. I assume Saul is an example of this buuut it’d be nice to have more info since this is a specific race you sorta created.

The appearance works. Got all the necessary stuff out of the way and even put in usual clothing, which is always nice. Though his looks almost sound special snowflake in a way. Unusual colors and such. though he IS a different race so it could be typical...The bare chest thing is weird because that feels more like a showy kinda guy thing to do.

Hmmm Superman style backstory start. It’s okay. Like the whole prince of a extinct species thing, it feels like something I’ve seen so often its become...a non-factor. That is to say I can’t really say if it’s good or not. Will just continue from there.

The fact that we don’t know around how old (or roughly the age of development) Saul was when it went down, that is kinda important for someone who is so old.

I’m curious why China and how he got there, but that’s minor.

What’s not as minor is the idea he witnessed so much. He’d be in hiding right? I can’t imagine he had much chance to go out and see the terrible things. That feels a bit of iffy territory. And why are people trying to kill him? For how long? How do people know he exists? Is it BECAUSE of the fact he went out and saw things and got discovered? That just seems like stuff added to justify his seclusion really.

I hope you have an idea who this shadowy organization is, because otherwise that last part is bit out of the blue. I get you needed a reason to join but its just a bit “huh what?”.

Stoic is really tough to make interesting and really this whole personality section is so...barebones and...it doesn’t really tell me much. Plus it’s a bit...well look.

He’s rational and always looks for the best course of action in battle, yet stubborn to his beliefs. That’s not really rational. It’s not a huge thing but it just does kinda leave a bad taste since there’s so little to the personality. I do appreciate you mention that his “do whatever it takes” is justified in his personal morals. But, like so many before you, you fail to explain what these morals are. And I am gonna be especially hard on you particularly because you imply his morals aren’t exactly normal.

I suppose I also feel like...he should have more to him if he’s as ancient as you say. Its really ridiculous to think he just had this burning conviction for so long and that’s basically all there is to him.

Dat sword. Pretty cool honestly, I like that it’s basically a giant sheet of metal. Very clear the intent is to be a slashing weapon. Where’d he get this thing though?

The powers at first confused me seeing as I forgot Titans had magic. How does he know how to do these btw? Did he teach himself? They seem to be natural abilities of a Titan but they obviously couldn’t teach him.

What exactly is the point of both the Cleansing and Rage? They sound like similar abilities. Except one is a wall and one is a beam. Just a straight-forward attack. Just feels a bit uninspired or possibly a waste of potential.

Strength is kinda ridiculous honestly. It’s a high powered RP though so I suppose that’s okay. I guess my main issue is the abilities seem almost tacked on/not thought about much.

Overall I’d say he’s a solid character, there’s not too many contradictions and things make sense for the most part. But I’d say...waste of potential is the best term. There’s just not much to it that really feels impressive or stands out. He really does read as a minor character.

Overall I’d rate. 77/100. Would’ve been a wee bit lower if not for the fact that it was written well.

The RP:

Teen Titans: Twilight of the Gods

The Character:

[spoiler=Valérian De Raine]
"I didn't ask for any of this. You wouldn't understand."
Personal Information:
Name: Valérian De Raine | "Cygnus"
Age: 360 (Appears 20)
Gender: Male
Astrological Sign: Virgo
[spoiler=Appearance]
[base Image]
Cygnus stands just short of six feet at 5"11, and weighs in at 150 lbs. His figure is lean and athletic, most closely resembling that of a runner, or perhaps a dancer. His rather pale complexion is further offset by his white hair—as a result, he sometimes appears to be emitting a gentle silver glow, especially in the dark. He usually wears his hair in the style depicted above, with long layered bangs that tumble over his brow and onto his face. His dark blue eyes are large, expressive and deep-set.

His standard outfit consists of a dark gray long-sleeved silk shirt inlaid with silver designs at the neck, paired with shoulder pads decorated with white feathers. He also wears form-fitting black breeches and thigh-high hunting boots—the final effect is a thus a cross between an 18 century noble and a huntsman, but it is not at all unpleasant. For missions, he dons a headdress of resistant light-weight metal, fashioned to resemble a swan, which provides some additional protection (apart from that, he wears no armor). From time to time, he can be seen wearing silver earrings, usually in the shape of a crucifix or fleur-de-lys.
[spoiler=Personality]
Although he was once outspoken and lighthearted, the last three centuries have transformed Cygnus into a rather taciturn individual, haunted by his memories of the past. While he can be superficially charming if the situation calls for it, more often than not his remarks are punctuated by his rather cold and sharp wit. His frosty demeanor usually keeps others at arm's distance, thus impeding his ability to form lasting, meaningful relationships. This is a conscious defense mechanism, as the cruel inevitability of time has taught him more than once that it doesn't pay to get overly attached to mortals. He is thus solitary by nature and most at peace when left to his own devices.

Chief among these is reading: Cygnus is an avid reader and views books as an opportunity to escape into other worlds where life is much less complicated. Over the course of the past two hundred years, he has assembled a respectable collection of rare books with a particular focus on history, sorcery, politics and philosophy. As a result of his travels over the course of several decades, he has a strong grasp of geography and foreign language. He also has an appreciation for music, painting, and poetry, and occasionally dabbles in the latter, although he would rather die than see his poetry read by someone else.

Underneath his distant exterior, however, Cygnus is noble, idealistic and genuinely committed to justice and protecting the weak. Even by Justice League standards, he possesses a remarkable ability for staying focused in desperate situations, although he does have a temper that flares up from time to time. While the path that led him to crime-fighting was circuitous and full of unexpected developments, he nevertheless takes his responsibilities as a member of the Teen Titans very seriously.
[spoiler=Biography]
Cygnus was born in 1765 as Valérian De Raine, the only son of a French-speaking noble family on the Franco-German border, in the region that is today known as Alsace-Lorraine. Favored by King Louis XVI, the family lived in a splendid chateau at the foot of a massive lake and was responsible for governing the surrounding lands. Growing up, Valérian was inseparable from his twin sister, Odette; both were groomed from an early age to make respectable marriages to further the family's wealth and prestige. Over the years, many suitors vied for Odette's hand in marriage, but none were worthy of his daughter in eyes of Lord Olivier De Raine. The most persistent of these was Baron Eric Von Rothbart, a German nobleman who had recently crossed the border.

One day, Valérian became aware that despite his father's refusal, Rothbart had taken to stalking Odette around the lake, pleading with her to elope with him and threatening to harm to her family if she refused. Determined to put an end to Rothbart's antics, Valérian accompanied his sister to the lake one night and confronted the other man. As the full moon shone upon the lake's surface, Rothbart revealed his true form: a wicked sorcerer, wreathed in a cloak of shadow and flame. Determined to make Odette his bride, he cast a terrible curse upon Valérian, transforming him into a swan and dooming him to an eternity of loneliness. Valérian could only watch hopelessly as his sister was borne away, screaming, begging for him to save her.

From one day to the next, the happiness of the De Raine family was destroyed. With both of their beloved children gone without a trace, Lord Olivier and his wife, the Lady Angélique, fell into deep depression. Days became weeks, weeks became months, and months became years, and with each passing moment their despair grew, until one by one, the responsibilities they had fulfilled so dutifully for so many years fell into utter neglect. So consumed were they by their sorrow, they failed to notice the white swan that flew over the chateau day and night, keeping watch, waiting desperately for Odette to return. For the Lord and Lady, it was almost a relief when the country was consumed by the chaos of the French Revolution and they were sentenced to the guillotine. After their deaths, the chateau was looted and fell into disrepair, eventually transforming into a crumbling ruin.

Yet Valérian remained, bound to the lake by the power of Rothbart's curse. With each passing year, the spell weakened, until finally, he was able to reclaim his human form. To his surprise, despite the fact that more than 50 years had passed, he hadn't aged a day past 20. The only thing that had changed was his dark brown hair, which had turned white as snow. More surprisingly, he appeared to have inherited a portion of Rothbart's magical power. For the next two hundred years he searched for Odette, scouring all of Europe in an attempt to find his sister. As the years passed, he realized that unless Rothbart had also cursed her with eternal youth, Odette would be long since dead. Clinging to this last hope, he refused to give up.

Eventually, Valérian's antics captured the attention of the Justice League, who took him in and helped him to develop his magical abilities. Convincing him to use his powers for the good of mankind, the League gave him the operative name "Cygnus" and assigned him as one of the members of the new division of Teen Titans stationed in Aurora City. Naturally, he remains obsessed with tracking down Rothbart and exacting his revenge—a task to which he plans to dedicate every ounce of the League's considerable recon and intel capabilities.
[spoiler=Powers & Abilities]
Lunar Magic: Cygnus is skilled in various kinds of light-based sorcery. His powers are intricately tied to the moon, meaning that their strength waxes and wanes depending on the different stages of the lunar cycle: when the moon is full, his powers are at their peak; when there is no moon, he is completely powerless. His abilities manifest as constructs of white light—primarily concussive energy blasts, sharp crescent blades, or spherical shields. He is highly resistant to magical or energy-based attacks, yet his speed and strength do not exceed those of the average human male. Although these magic abilities are his most powerful and frequently employed weapons in combat situations, Cygnus has only recently attained mastery over them thanks to his intensive training with the Justice League, and it remains clear that he still has much to learn.
Eternal Youth: As a result of Rothbart's spell, Cygnus is cursed with eternal youth, rendering him immortal in a certain sense. He is not, however, invincible—a bullet through the head or a knife through the back are just as fatal to him as to any other human. He is also similarly susceptible to injury, but not disease.
Master Swordsman: While he rarely engages in close combat, Cygnus is a talented swordsman, having studied the ways of the sword as part of his training as a nobleman. He has a particular fondness for the one-handed sword.
[spoiler=Standard Weapons & Equipment]
None.
Additional Information:
• In addition to his native French, Cygnus speaks English and Spanish fluently, albeit with a slight accent. He understands German, Portuguese, Italian, and Russian.
• Cygnus has met many of his favorite authors and artists in person, including Edgar Allan Poe, Alexandre Dumas, Victor Hugo, and Hans Christian Andersen, as well as Pablo Picasso, Salvador Dali, and Claude Monet.
• Cygnus is openly homosexual and has had many famous lovers throughout the years. One of these was Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, who, inspired by Cygnus' story, would later write the famous ballet, "Swan Lake." Given the homophobic constraints of 19th century Russian society, Tchaikovsky was forced to rewrite the story as a heterosexual romance.
• Cygnus' Themes: "Moon" - Origa | "Swan Lake Ballet" - Tchaikovsky
• Image Credit: "White Swan" - tincek-marincek on Deviantart.com

Hopefully I didn't make any formatting mistakes. Looking forward to seeing the feedback and critiques you guys will provide! Thanks.

[spoiler=review]

That name is so strange but it is kinda fitting cause Superheros love that corny naming thing. Wait. He’s that old? And he looks 20? Why? Why is this, this makes no sense. It’s Teen Titans, and specifically the OOC said that they were young heros sent to a new branch, people who only recently were initiated. You better have some seriously good reasoning for this in the Bio or else this’ll hurt your score. It’s important to fit the RP, not make a character and force them into the RP.

His weight/height checks out, so that’s nice. Okay lean and athletic, makes sense. Though there’s a pretty big difference between runner and dancer bodies really. He...glows? Wait this guy IS human right? Just an immortal one. That was...weird ^^;

I’ll admit it’s well written so far, just...a bit unusual.

What kind of metal is that? And wait do you mean he has what looks like a literal swan on his head? *looks at pic* oh okay. Well the appearance was interesting, you described the base image more/less and added the needed things. Just some of it was weird.

Maybe it’s cause I just reviewed Saul but I see “His old age made him a grump” basically I kinda groan. idk it might just be me but it’s kinda boring. But that’s just the start so lets see if you turn it around. And the next part is basically he’s cold. Which I guess while making sense it’s, well, boring. What kind of things does he like to read/write/listen to/etc? There’s a bit of missing info there, I think, since having an appreciation for music and such doesn’t say much about a character. I do like the cute addition of how he’s embarrassed by his own writing.

I don’t really like you called him idealistic when really all you said previous implies otherwise. And the temper seems so random and tacked on.

He feels like a flawless cold character. His only flaws are superficial and he’s built as a kinda character who’s meant to appear cool and special...

So Bio now. Starts off as making him a noble. I suppose he does feel like someone that was a noble, it’s nothing special though.

And here’s some logic leaps that are a bit tricky to agree with. One that he confronted the man himself when he obviously would have people he could get to help, his father, the servants, guards, etc. But then...the supposed wicked sorcerer who is “wreathed in shadows and flames” big powerful curse just turns him into a swan. Idk it feels...more like a fairy tale than anything. In fact it’s almost just that. Which idk, kinda typical stuff and also really unbelievable. Plus how does she get taken away, screaming, with nothing happening? Are there no servants or guards?

And the fact the spell weakened so that he became human yet still immortal is very very plot-device-y. And the idea he got magic from it...okay I’m so sorry but what? This is kinda...ridiculous and sounds like a bunch of leaps of logic that just are too much when combined.

To be honest I totally forgot this was a Teen Titans RP. Nothing is connected to it until the end which is tacked on and vaguely related at best.

Powers and...wait. He got the magic from the evil mage and it’s light based? Just why? The idea that he only recently learned how to use them well is kinda off, like, even without dedicated training he was going for revenge, you’d think he’s try his best to master it. Plus his “antics” had captured the attention of the JL. Which clearly means he’s been doing enough to get noticed. So...he’d have to have been pretty good at it to be doing that, while still being able to die, for however long.

Anyway. I do like the related to the moon cycles thing, as long as you can pull it off right. But some measurement of how powerful they are would be good. At each stage.

Already went over the immortality.

Why does he have no standard weapons or equipment when he is a master swordsman?

Something about having your character meet/sleep with so many famous people just....feels...Gary-Stu.

Okay so I’m so sorry. (I promise I like your FE app more). But this guy is really boring. His backstory is a fairy tale with so many issues in its logic and explanation I can’t look past it. He has no flaws. His coldness doesn’t stop him from interacting as he can be charismatic when needed. He doesn’t mind being alone so that doesn’t matter either. His “temper” is a footnote. He is basically a perfect noble with a sad backstory and inexplicable powers.

My rating is a 60/100. The biggest saving grace is that you write well and there’s few inconsistencies with personality. But lengthy apps do not make for automatically good characters. If I can sum him up in a sentence or two and not really miss much it’s a problem.

Mr. Hyde · November 23, 2015

The RP:

Teen Titans: Twilight of the Gods

The Character:

Blake Bradsborn

Cow...pls take it easy on me bunghole

ÆƵ– · November 23, 2015

Aw heck it why not?

RP: Teen Titans: Twilight of the Gods

Character: Needlepoint (who is my first really in-depth character)

Wreck me pls

King K. Azo · November 23, 2015

You know what, Teen Titan Train. Because even though I didn't make it, I might try this character for something else.
Or resubmit if they open spots again.

The RP: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/338716-teen-titans-twilight-of-the-gods-oocpg-16nastarted/

The Character: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/338716-teen-titans-twilight-of-the-gods-oocpg-16acceptingstarted/?p=6760972

LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow · November 24, 2015

The RP:

Teen Titans: Twilight of the Gods

The Character:

Blake Bradsborn

Cow...pls take it easy on me bunghole

[spoiler=Cecelia I'm Your Satellite]

Name: Blake Bradsborn a.k.a. Satellite
Age: 17
Gender: Male
[spoiler=Appearance]
Blake has no left eyebrow, and his a giant scar running down from his left eye all the way down to his chin. His left eye is also glass/tech, and his right pectoral is covered by a titanium like structure with a glowing purple light in the middle.
Blake - Height: 5'8" Weight: 160 lbs
Satellite MK 7 - Height 6'6" Weight: 200 lbs
[spoiler=Regular Appearance]

[spoiler=Suit]

[spoiler=Personality]
Too some, Blake comes off a little full of himself. That's only the case because it is very true. When it comes to social situations, Blake usually drives others off with his extraordinary case of a superiority complex. He usually talks down to others that are below his IQ without knowing it, which is pretty much everyone else in the solar system. The solar system is lucky too, because if Blake's ego was any larger, the whole galaxy would revolve around it. He talks to people as if he didn't have a huge scar on his face, and he accepts pity from no one.

People who are able to get past his ego get to see a more vulnerable side of Blake. He's not too bad once you get to know him, and is quite nice albeit sometimes he's mean on accident. He adores all things biological, ranging from viruses to aliens outside of their solar system. Science has always been a love of his, and he tends to gravitate towards highly intellectual people who can understand science babbling. He also wishes to share his brilliance with the world to make it a better place to live for all humanity. He isn't too high octane, but he isn't a total snooze fest either. He finds a happy medium between the two, but doesn't really like people who represent the extreme sides of those personalities.

While he's not in social situations, Blake is usually off in his own little world, calculating new formulas and tinkering on some of his equipment. He always thinks that he can improve what he previously thought was perfect. He has a fear of the unknown, and always tries to explain the supernatural through natural solutions.
[spoiler=Biography]
Blake Bradsborn was not born into the lavish lap of luxury like most people insisted that he must have been. Growing up, his parents could barely afford basic cable, which is what Blake fell asleep to at night, usually listening to the soothing science program of NOVA. Studies say that watching t.v. can kill brain cells, but Blake's brain grew with curiosity everyday he watched the Public Broadcast Service. He yearned for knowledge and grew to find out that he was quite the Little Einstein. By the time he entered preschool, Blake was able to tell the teacher the process that stars underwent to form supernovas and black holes, which his simple teacher could only nod and laugh at. Blake also like the idea of machines, and started building little robots in his room, made from ordinary house equipment, which his parents were never too happy about. They would notice a toaster missing and trek to Blake's room, only to see a little chicken robot with super heated feet, making its way across their now burnt carpet.

As Blake grew up, he started skipping grades and wound up graduating college at the age of 13, earning a double masters in physics and mechanical engineering and robotics. Growing up so fast, and being surrounded by many adults, Blake turned into a master of social skills, but didn't retain too many friends. In his master's thesis, he wrote a paper on the subject of using black holes as a capable power source to run the entire worlds power grid. His equations were sound, and he was welcomed into the scientific community with opened arms. After completing the technology to harness the energy produced by a black hole that would advance every field of science, named the blackest box, Blake was the youngest man to win the Nobel Prize at just 15 years old. With the money he earned, Blake started a new tech company, focusing on clean power, named Interstellar Incorporated. However, there were some people who didn't want that information to be used for the good of mankind.

when he turned 16, Blake was to go into space along with 3 other astronauts to install one of his blackest boxes into the International Space Station. One of the other astronauts had other plans, as he was sent to sabotage the mission by releasing the black hole within the blackest box. Breaking the blackest box would never release the black hole, Blake had put inhibitors in his device to make sure that never happened. Instead, a small explosion happened within the spaceship. Blake's face had been ripped to shreds, and he could not see out of his left eye. He also had a gaping hole in the right side of his chest, and two of his fellow astronauts, including the saboteur, had been killed in the explosion. With the help of his last crew mate, Blake was able to stabilize his condition with the advanced medicine on board (including nano-machines), and some tech that had to be made use of, including an extra blackest box that was implanted in his right side to stimulate the nano-machines into making his shredded lungs pump oxygen throughout his body.

Blake has since improved the technology keeping him alive in his body, and has also implanted a false eye that also serves as a super-computer. He has also been inspired to do more than give humanity a light to share, he has been inspired to protect others as well. If evil had gotten his way, there would be no way for him to improve tomorrow, so he has since tried to improve himself by developing a suit of armor that could help him protect the world that he is trying to create.
[spoiler=Powers & Abilities]
Above Genius IQ (250)
Sharingan - Super computer eye implant is able to scan and analyze surroundings. Has different settings such as UV, Infrared, and X-ray.
[spoiler=Suit Capabilities]
Remote Activation: Can be sent to Blake and attach to him remotely through his eye. Armor looks for signal and places itself accordingly.
Flight - Capable of flying at speeds of Mach 4
Super Strength - Capable of lifting 4 tons
Force-Field Projection - Suit able to employ a protective shield surrounding the exterior. Capable of withstanding bunker busting explosions and large piercing rounds.
Environment Protection - Capable of withstanding large amounts of pressure, and extremely high temperatures. Can withstand a vacuum and has life support functions.
Global Communication - Suit linked up to Interstellar Inc. Satellites. Able to access and gather information easily and quickly.
[spoiler=Weapons and Equipment]
Satellite MK7 - With a single charge of black hole energy, the suits batteries can last up to 5 hours if in constant and steady use. Using too many abilities at too much power capacity will drain the black hole battery faster. The fastest the battey can drain is an hour and a half of full capacity use.

[spoiler=Armory]

[spoiler=Satellite MK 8]

Powers: Flight, Super Strength, Enhanced Durability, Shield Manipulation
Realistically just a updated look to his suit, no drastic changes to prior abilities

[spoiler=review]

Oooh okay I like the additions to the appearance. The missing eyebrow/scar, makes him stand out a little. And it’s easily clear he’s partially cybernetic, though wonder how much so.

I read his...suit’s? height and weight as his at first and was about to slap you. I’ll need to see what the suit is made of but 200 pounds? Is that on its own or with him in it? Either way it’s fairly light.

*to some. Dammit Hyde. I’m not a huge fan of the word padding there “to some appears blank, cause it’s true”. Hmm. Well idk man its kinda weird to go on and on about his ego and then include “He usually talks down to others that are below his IQ without knowing it”. Like that seems a bit of an odd choice of words. Plus all you’ve said so far was he’s arrogant, that’s basically it. And you kinda went on and on about it.

Ehhh idk, feels kinda a cop-out to say “He’s a huge prick and arrogant and rude...oh but he’s nice I swear”. I do like the science love and that he dislikes extremes, despite he kinda comes off as an extreme himself.

Seems to be a pretty much one, well two, trick pony. Arrogant science-lover. Not really a whole lot there to go off of. Enough to get a basic idea but nothing special.

Starting the backstory with setting the scene of poorness, works for me. Bonus points for NOVA, that’s a nice touch there. I’m pretty sure a teach wouldn’t just laugh and nod at a preschooler saying such advanced things, so that’s a bit of a stretch. Well the whole super intelligence is a stretch buuut Teen Titans. I loved the making robots thing, even though fairly sure it wouldn’t work that way, but it’s still amusing and I do enjoy that idea. Ehhhhh I don’t think a kid thrust into a world of adults would “turn into a master of social skills” I think you kinda went a bad turn with that part there.

All the things he’s doing have gotten kinda ridiculous.....Like really ridiculous. And why did the astronaut just randomly decide to try and sabotage them? There’s no explanation and its just...no. And I think an explosion in the ship would do more than implied here, I’m no expert though.

That whole part was just a set up to how he got his scars and it felt rushed and...incorrect. Plus there’s no real explanation for why he decided to do hero things...ehhhhhhh.

Time for powers...The IQ thing we know, and then...Sharingan? Oh goodness...Well strange name for what it does, but it fits, and its a decent power.

And pretty basic suit powers, sadly. But more or less what I expected. ^^;

The satellite thing is a bit worrisome due to how it can be abused but basically the powers are decent.

Okay so overall...ehhhhh. He has some fun things about him, and the suit and eye thing is pretty neat and balanced. But unfortunately...the character has barely any traits, and no real flaws. Arrogance is the most generic flaw you can give and its basically their whole personality. The backstory is just kinda far-fetched even for superheroes and his motivations are wonky at best. I hate to do this to you man but. 65/100

Hälō · November 25, 2015

You thought you could review the Titan cast without Roxie?!

The RP: http://forum.yugiohc...pg-16nastarted/

Roxie Blackstone

Aix · November 26, 2015

You thought you could review the Titan cast without Roxie?!

The RP: http://forum.yugiohc...pg-16nastarted/

Roxie Blackstone

I think you've done well to convey the basic idea of what you're character is about and amazingly enough you've kept it pretty concise and very solidly organized. The image is well-picked and definitely suitable to her personality. Throughout the personality passage, you've given her hints of depth, such as her "den mother" nature, but I feel more depth is needed. Although many would disagree with me for various reasons, I want to be able to really understand her nature (where here I've merely managed to get acquainted with her), and I want you to emphasize on her flaws in the app, so I (as a hypothetical host) know that those areas are probably where she is going to grow. Also, why is she so attached to the bat?

I sort of wonder about the thing with the Knights in her backstory. They seem to have some uniform mentality that I find implausible, unless she was very distanced from the others. I guess she just made no friends. However, I don't see it as too big of a deal.

Powers-wise, I am not entirely sure how the potential energy conversion works. Potential energy is not exactly a tangible thing that can be stolen and put in another form. The only way to convert gravitational potential energy, which is what most objects would have, would be to let the object fall, since if you could drain energy from it without making it fall, you'd have an infinite energy source or you'd somehow be reducing the force of gravity on the object (which I suppose could happen, but that's a little weird). Anyway, the other thing is that you need to give an idea of how big these explosions are and... why is she immune?

Overall, very solid.

Actually, I feel my rating is inconsistent af here, so I'd rather not rate.

LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow · November 29, 2015

Aw heck it why not?

RP: Teen Titans: Twilight of the Gods

Character: Needlepoint (who is my first really in-depth character)

Wreck me pls

You know what, Teen Titan Train. Because even though I didn't make it, I might try this character for something else.
Or resubmit if they open spots again.

The RP: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/338716-teen-titans-twilight-of-the-gods-oocpg-16nastarted/

The Character: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/338716-teen-titans-twilight-of-the-gods-oocpg-16acceptingstarted/?p=6760972

Oi you two want me to review your 2.0 versions instead? (if so edit the quoted posts with the correct links)

(Also sorry it'll be a bit to get to them cause dayum I'm busy lately but should have some downtime soon)

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