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Pokeymanz Red

CrabHelmet

By CrabHelmet
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CrabHelmet Newbie

CrabHelmet

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The following is a topic from GameFAQs. A guy played through Pokemon Red and made fun of the game. This is a great read. Unfortunately, he only made it to Misty before stopping (He was playing on an emulator, and the save game went down with his old computer when he got a new one). Till then, here's what he had so far. His username is SlightlyEroticPigeon.

 

I play Red first. ...Because it has a cooler looking guy on the cover. I notice the first thing it does is ask me for a name, which I supply: BIFFLON. Don't argue, BIFFLON pwnz you. Then..for some reason, I get to name someone else's kid, too. ...Wish it worked that way in real life. Anyway, I try to come up with the most evil name I can think of. So I name him CRAIG. But most evil names end in -ER. Like..Riddler. And Satan..er. So, his name becomes CRAIGER...Because I can.

 

I guess I wake up from my usual spot of rest, which appears to be in front of the TV. Kinky? Maybe. Anyway, after spending a good several minutes trying to get the SNES to do something other than say the same message over and over, I head to my computer. ...Not many options. The lack of GAMES, LUE, and PORN makes me sad. I did find a potion, though. In the computer. ...Reminds me of Zoolander.

 

"They're IN the computer..?"

 

Anyway, after going downstairs to..my mother's room/kitchen/living room/rest of the house..I attempt to watch TV. It's always the same show..Boys walking on railroad tracks. And I always get the lasting impression that "I should go, too." .....So, I'm headed for some tracks, baby!

 

I find out my mom is psycho and doesn't love me..so I leave. But not after finding out that OAK wants to see me next door. Awesome. I head next door..To see OAK is a woman.

 

...No. That's CRAIGER's sister. Drat. The evil babes are always the cute ones. Anyway, she tells me CRAIGER is at OAK's lab. ...OAK has a lab? I wouldn't have known. MOM told me he was next door. This is next door. ...*****. So, anyway, I head down and find OAK's lab. And who appears to be the gardener. ..You never suspect the gardener of anything. Ten bucks says he kills OAK. Anyway, I head inside and see CRAIGER. He tells me OAK isn't there.

 

...I look, and there are no other houses. ...Hmm. Welp, I do the only thing a man could do in this situation. I flee town. Or try, anyway, 'till some jerk stops me. ..OH! It's OAK! Appeared out of thin air. ..I like his style. He takes me back to his lab to get a Pokemon. I see my choices..And don't see a yellow rat. Dissapointing. What's so great about the yellow rat if I can't snap my fingers and have him?

 

So, I look at the three choices. A turtle, a frog, and a...lizard. Thing. On two legs. Eerie. I choose the frog, because frogs kick ass. Sadly, I forget to re-name him, so he's stuck as BULBASAUR. Oh well..Kinda sounds like Balbazar. ...What's that from, anyway?

 

Just as I'm about to leave, CRAIGER hunts me down the three steps, demanding a fight. ...Bring it on, *****. It's my frog against his eerie walking lizard. Let's just say my frog kicks some major ass without help of items. CRAIGER complains of choosing a sucky Pokemon, which I agree with. OAK then tells me to raise my Pokemon by MAKING it fight. ...My parents never made me fight, and I turned out alright. Oh well, maybe this game'll end up violent and fun.

 

I flee town again..Walking through high grass. Heheh..I said grass. Anyway, I'm suddenly attacked by..A rat. I heart rats..and he has the original name of RATTATA. ..Rats rock. I try to catch him with my POTION. ...It does not have the desired effect. BULBASAUR now has his HP replenished..from full. Drat. I kill the rat and run. ...To find a kid telling me about a MART. Awesome, he gave me another potion. I fight another rat and..don't use the potion. I have a feeling it still won't catch him. I kill the rat again, run, and immediately go into a building with a POKE sign. ..Hey, babe. I try to hit on the babe..and she heals my BULBASAUR! She digs me.

 

I left off at the PokeCenter. So, after a...chat..with the woman at the counter, I feel refreshed and revitalized, so I set out. I see the fabled MART..and jump for joy. Then I realize I can't jump in this game. So I cry instead. After crying, I head inside. Immediately, the guy guesses I'm from PALLET TOWN. (No, I'm from Purpleville, moron.) Anyway, he asks me to deliver OAK'S PARCEL to..well..OAK. Why can't he do it himself? Lazy ass.

 

...After twenty minutes of trying to remember who OAK is..I finally do. And begin my trek back to PALLET TOWN. I get there, give OAK the OAK'S PARCEL. Then, CRAIGER shows up. ..Bastard doesn't know when to stop. Anyway, OAK gives us both POKEDEXs. Awesome. Supposedly, it keeps track of what I see and catch. ...Remind me to try it out on the PokeCenter babe, later. CRAIGER tells me he doesn't need me. Pfft, not what he told me last night. So, he then goes on to say he's going to get a TOWN MAP from his sister. Grr. A race to his sister, it is!

 

..And she gives me a map! WHOO! The SPIDERMAN AND FRIENDS SUPERHERO PLAYSET musta been good, after all. Anyway, I have a TOWN MAP. So, the first thing I do with it? Forget I have it and go back to VIRIDIAN. Once there, I go back to the PokeMart and buy as many POKEBALLS as I can. 15 of them. Left me with $175, which I'm saving up to buy a computer that can atleast access PORN.

 

With my POKEBALLS, and quite nice balls they were, indeed..I set out to catch some new "friends". ...Or just have them beat the hell out of each other. Whatever. Then, I remember reading something on here about trading. ..But I'm lazy, so I SHARK myself an eerie lizard and Ninja Turtle onto RED. The eerie lizard, named CHARMANDER..reminds me of those lizards that walk on water. So, I nickname him JESUS, accordingly. SQUIRTLE gets renamed LEONARDO, because he's cool like that.

 

After a bit more searching, I run into another RATTATA. I immediately have BULBASAUR beat him up, and I use a POKEBALL. Awesome, caught. DEATHCON will enjoy me team, that he will.

 

Then, I run into a PIDGEY. Now, this particular Pokemon is special, for he was the only one caught during the duration of me listening to the song "Tipsy", by J-Kwan. ...So, I name him accordingly. What did I name him? You'll just have to guess. Mwaha!

 

After seeing only birds and rats live in the general area, I head back to VIRIDIAN. Then I see I can go left! WHOO! So I do, and stumble upon a patch of grass. Nifty. Searching the grass, I find a NIDORAN(Male Symbol). I catch him. Lovely. Then, I hit what appears to be a midget ostrich. Interesting. Catching the SPEAROW..I cleverly nickname him...SPEAROW. And he goes into my computer. Oh, damn. Zoolander reference again. I raise levels a bit after that, because it appears to be the cool thing to do.

 

Then, I stopped.

 

Current Team

BULBASAUR (Bulbasaur) Lvl: 8

JESUS (Charmander) Lvl: 3

LEONARDO (Squirtle) Lvl: 3

DEATHCON (Rattata) Lvl: 3

MAJOR PFFT (Nidoran*MaleSymbol*) Lvl: 4

GETTNTIPSY (Pidgey) Lvl: 5

Awesomely awesome.

 

Next Play: I continue left! Or something.

 

After saying my tearful goodbyes to the PokeCenter chick, I finally went up, leaving Crack City. Some guy mutters something about coffee..But he looked old, so that can't be good. I go through a building and out the other side..to find myself in Crack Forest. ..Well, it's VIRIDIAN FOREST, but, feh.

 

As I'm making my way through it, I get attacked by a WEEDLE, and catch it, of course. The name WEEDLE looks kinda like Beetle, but he looks more like a centipede. ...So I named him CENTWAUR. Centipede KINDA looks like Centaur..if you're drunk. And W's can be placed anyway. Yeah buddy!

 

Before entering, I had pulled a Zoolander AGAIN and put GETTNTIPSY into the computer, where he's keeping an eye on MAJORS HO. So CENTWAUR was now in my party. A few trainer battles in which MAJOR PFFT kicks major ass (So witty..), and I run into a CATERPIE. After catching it, I rearrange the name to CATPIE-ER, to make him evil. MWAHA! Anyway, I continue through the forest, finding the end. ..Interesting. This wasn't too drugged up, compared to VIRIDIAN CITY.

 

Since I'm at the end, I decide to raise some levels before going to wherever next. MAJOR PFFT kicks more ass, while BULBASAUR, JESUS, and LEONARDO make awesome appearances of..awesomeness. Then, I use a potion on CENTWAUR, and raise him a bit.

 

..Suddenly, it happens. CENTWAUR dies. ..Or evolves, whatever. Either way, he ends up looking much cooler. So, looking cooler + being first to evolve = THEME SONG! ...Ahem..

 

Nananananananana Nananananananana CENTWAAAAAAAUR! CENTWAAAAAAAAUR! He's CENTWAAAAAAUR! And he's INVINCIBLLLLLLLLE! You can't touch HIIIIIIIIIIIM. Because I said SOOOOOOOO! Nananananana...Nananana. Bam. CENTWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUR!

 

After this awesome celebration, I head out of the forest and find myself in PEWTER CITY. Heheh..it's made of metal, or something. I go to the PokeCenter to heal my slaves and...OHMIGOSH. It's the same damn chick from the last center! She followed me 'cuz she loves me! Score!

 

Nananananananana.....POKE-CENTER CHIIIIIIIIIIIICK!

 

...Okay, Forgive me for that.

 

Current Team:

BULBASAUR (Bulbasaur) Lvl: 10

JESUS (Charmander) Lvl: 10

LEONARDO (Squirtle) Lvl: 10

MAJOR PFFT (Nidoran*MaleSymbol*) Lvl: 12

DEATHCON (Rattata) Lvl: 8

CENTWAUR (Weedle) Lvl: 7

 

Next Time: Exploring Pewter City? Egads! ...Or something.

 

So, I'm at PEWTER CITY. But, of course, I raise some levels before actually exploring it.

 

Now..I noticed something. WEEDLE knows POISON STING. Poison sting is also super effective against Weedle. ...Every Weedle has something deadly against another Weedle..

 

THEY'RE GOING TO ANNIHILATE THEIR OWN RACE!!1ONEEIGHTYSEVEN

 

....With that said, I raised CENTWAUR to level 10 like suggested. ...Oh. My. God.

 

Nananananananana, Nananananananana. CENTWAAAAAAAUR! CENTWAAAAAAAUR! He's CENTWAAAAUR! And he's now a BEEEEEEE! A total stud MUFFIIIIIIIN! Ladies, he's SINGLLLLLLLLE! CENTWAAAAAUR! Nananananana...Nananana. CENTWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUR!

 

I heart you, Centwaur. Very much so. <

 

Anyway, I got sick of raising and decided to actually go into town. ..Straight to the GYM, baby! I heard about those, and it's mine. Oh yes. Mine indeed. ...A trainer fights me inside, claiming I'm "lightyears" away from BROCK. ..I beat him, and he says lightyears measure distance, not time. ..Dammit, Brock is on another planet.

 

...Wait, no. There he is. And he seems to have a hard-on for exclamation points! Everything says looks exciting! Even if it really isn't! It could fool you! Example! Boring! Boringly boring! See! It still seemed exciting! Exclamation point!

..So, I fight him..and he has squinty eyes and no shirt. ..And he's covering his chest with his hands...

 

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!!!!

 

......Right. Anyway, LEONARDO pwns both his GEODUDE and his ONIX. He then gives me the BOULDER BADGE, and a TM for BIDE. ..Dammit, Bide is a sucky move, anyway. I'd give it away, too.

 

Afterwards, I explore town. Boring. One guy asks me if I went to the MUSEUM, and tells me I have to go. ..So I do. And they charge me money to go in and look at crap. ...Sooooo good! ...I might as well have spent my time throwing myself in the Bottomless Spirit Pit. Go Growlbacks!

 

So, after seeing the city was worthless, I head right. And fight a ton of trainers. Sigh. Good thing MAJOR PFFT rocks so hard. He kills them all. BY HIMSELF. And evolves! W00T! .....

 

MAJOR PFFFFFFFFT! MAJOR PFFFFFFFFFFFT! This just doesn't WORRRRRRRRRRRK! You can't really make a theme song about you 'cuz you name is WEEEEEEEEEIIIIRD!

 

..Sigh. Atleast I caught a JIGGLYPUFF afterwards in some grass. Interesting. Named it KIRBY.

 

Key Battle Points:

CENTWAUR evolves after a battle with WEEDLE!

LEONARDO pwns BROCK to the Ninja Rap...'Cuz I said.

MAJOR PFFT kicks ass.

MAJOR PFFT kicks more ass.

MAJOR PFFT evolves after killing a SPEAROW.

MAJOR PFFT continually kicks ample amounts of ass.

 

Current Team:

MAJOR PFFT (Nidorino) Lvl: 17

LEONARDO (Squirtle) Lvl: 13

BULBASAUR (Bulbasaur) Lvl: 10

JESUS (Charmander) Lvl: 10

CENTWAUR (Beedrill) Lvl: 10

DEATHCON (Rattata) Lvl: 8

 

Next time: ...I go where-ever the hell going right and up takes me.

 

Turns out I lost the section of what happened between Pewter City and Cerulean. So.. I'll just take some valid guesses.

 

Valid Guesses:

CENTWAUR pwned.

CENTWAUR pwninated.

CENTWAUR got hitched.

CENTWAUR bought out Wal-Mart.

May have caught a few Pokemon.

May have gone through Mt. Moon.

May have made a comment about the guy and his "fossils".

CENTWAUR became president of Canada

End Valid Guesses

 

Now..continuing on.

 

Day 4, Play 1

 

I'm in Cerulean City, right? Hmm. First thing I do? GYM! w00t! I head to the gym, and..whoa. The same freaky guy with glasses as in the old one. He's stalkering me. Freakay. And possibly a little..kinky? Anyway..I fight my way through an swimmer..wearing little clothing. Kinky again? Possibly. THEN..a girl tells me that she's enough for me. GOOD GOD, STOP TRYING TO SPIDERMAN AND FRIENDS SUPERHERO PLAYSET ME UP. EVERYONE. ALWAYS. STOP.

 

Right..so, I beat her. Then go back to my woman at the Pokecenter. Yes, she's the only one for me. Sigh of luv. ..Then I head back to the GYM. Sigh of luv, yet slightly less luv, making it a Sigh of lu.

 

I talk to the girl standing in the back..and she's the gym leader. w00t! ....But, wow. She tells me she likes to go all offensive. And she's wearing a bikini. .....Kinky. In that case, I'll be defensive. Har har, humor. We fight, and Bulbasaur pwns the competition..both me and u. Get it? Staryu, Starmie? HAHA, FUNNY! It was! Come on, laugh!

 

Anyway, I beat her, and she gives me a CASCADE BADGE. ..Dude. Cascade. I use that in my dishwasher. Suhweet! ....Then she gives me a worthless TM. Actually, I forget what it is, but it has to be worthless. Gym leaders are worthless. ..Well, actually, this one DID one to go offensive with me..Rawr.

 

After the gym, I go back and get some pleasurable.....healing. Then I go to head up. This town is too SPIDERMAN AND FRIENDS SUPERHERO PLAYSET-driven for me. Sigh of lu. I go to head up..but, gasp! IT'S CRAIGER! He wants to see how strong my pokemon are! w00t!

 

..In the battle, his PIDGEOTTO totally pwns MASTAHFUNK and PALINDROME. Sigh. ...But then JESUS enters the fray, and....Oh, damn! The bird killed JESUS! Where's our god now, huh? Where's our god now?! *Cries*

 

Right. LEONARDO shurikens his ass, then the ABRA's. ..ABRA kept trying to use TELEPORT. But it keeps failing. Interesting. The ABRA is clearly intoxicated..

 

Then, LEONARDO shurikens more ass, like a RATTATA, and finally, a CHARMANDER. Ha, JESUS has been avenged, fools.

 

After I beat CRAIGER (Heh..beat. Kinky?)..he tells me he went to BILL's house. BILL showed him his rare pokemon. ....Wow. Very kinky. He says I should go see BILL to thank him. ..Dammit, why didn't you?! ..Oh. Bill invented something. Ohkay.

 

Finally, I went back to the Pokecenter, and JESUS was resurrected! HURRAH!

 

Oh, yeah. BULBASAUR evolved to IVYSAUR after the GYM battle. But it's unimportant, because he's not cool enough to get a song. No one is. 'Cept CENTWAUR.

 

Current Party:

MASTAHFUNK(Paras): Lvl 8

PALINDROME(Ekans): Lvl 10

JESUS(Charmeleon): Lvl 16

LEONARDO(Wartortle): Lvl 18

IVYSAUR(Ivysaur): Lvl 17

MAJORPFFT(Nidorino): Lvl 20

 

Next time: I'll head up! WHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'll be honest..I didn't do much in this play due to time restraints. That means I'll just update once or twice more again today.

 

Anyway, where I left off, I had just pummeled CRAIGER into the ground with the awesome power and might of CENTWAAAAAAUR!

...Okay, so maybe CENTWAUR was in the computer at the time. He woulda done some hasty pummeling, though. Trust me. He's CENTWAUR. You don't doubt that!

 

So, anyway..The first thing I did was go to the Pokecenter. I said some words to my babe to keep her happy, then left after trading MASTAHFUNK for CENTWAUR. I don't know why I put CENTWAUR away in the first place. I'm an idiot, really. Then, after that, I followed instructions and used my MOON STONE (Heheh..Moon..) on MAJOR PFFT. And...Oh. My. Gez. The results were awesome. So awesome, in fact, that they deserve a song. Ahem..

 

Nananananananana Nananananananana CENTWAAAAAAUR! CENTWAAAAAAAUR! HE'S NOT THE ONE THAT EVOOOOOOOOVLED! BUT HE'S STILL THE COOOOLEST! SURE, MAJOR PFFT HAS A COOL HOOOOOOORN! AND COULD PROLLY GUT YOOOOOOOU! BUT CENTWAAAAAAUR! COME ON NOOOOOOW! HE SCORES WITH THE HONEEEEEEEYS! Nananananana...nananana. CENTWAAAAAAAAUR!

 

Thank you, thank you. After this, I carried on, heading back up and...WHOMG. Everything turned from blue..To green. Then, if I walked back down a few steps..It's blue again! COOLEST. TOWN. EVER. ..Even if it's not a town, but a city. You'll never get me to admit that.

 

So, I head up to where it was green..Past where I pummeled CRAIGER into the GROUND!..And onto a bridge. I ran into somebody who informed me that this was NUGGET BRIDGE. ...Heheh. Nugget. ..Wait for it, wait for it.

 

..Heheh. Nugget.

 

....Nugget. Ha.

 

Nug-get. Heheh.

 

Okay, I've got nothing.

 

Anyway, he informed me that if I beat five of them, I get a prize. ..So I pummel him into the GROUND! easily, then continue on. See, I have this method of having CENTWAUR go first..Then switching him out to someone stronger so that he doesn't di-...Er..Completely disgrace his opponent. Then he gets experience anyway. Kickass.

...Right. So I beat this kid and continued on to somebody claiming to be second. Beat them, and get to No.3. ...Beat them, and I got to No. 4..?

 

WHOMG. I get it now!

 

...Their parents..named them after numbers!

 

Those're some messed up parents. I wouldn't want to be named after a number. I'd rather be named like, Machete, or Table Salt.

 

Anyway, I beat 4, then get to 5, who must be special. I mean, he has black hair and the others had green. Nifty. He wasn't very hard for being No. 5, though, because MAJOR PFFT kicked the crunkizzle out of his pig thing. Score. I beat 5. Gimme mah prize!

 

..That's what I say, I mean, when I get to the guy above. He, too, has black hair. Special. In fact, he looks exactly like the guy I just beat. ..Kinky. Anyway, I talk to him, and he gives me a NUGGET. ..Heheh. Wait for it..

 

..Nugget.

 

Heheh. Nugget.

 

Ha..

 

I've got nothing, still.

 

But then, what's this? He asks me if I want to join TEAM ROCKET. WHOMG! YES! HELLS YESSES! And thus, I wait for my "YES" option to appear.

 

...And wait.

 

And wait.

 

And wait.

 

And it never comes. Then the guy battles me. ..Odd, maybe it's an initiation test. I beat him with flying colors (W00t for LEONARDO's shurikens)..then he tells me I'd make a high officer in TEAM ROCKET. ..Then he stops talking. I talk again, but nothing. No "YES" choice.

 

...I hate this game. All I wanted to do was join TEAM Rocket. But instead..

 

Nothing.

 

..It crushed my dreams. It crushed them so hard.

 

And that's when I stopped, due to my dream crushed-ness state. Next I'll..er..do something.

 

Current Party:

CENTWAUR (Beedrill) - Lvl 11

MAJOR PFFT (Nidoking) - Lvl 20

LEONARDO (Wartortle) - Lvl 19

IVYSAUR (..Take a guess) - Lvl 18

JESUS (Charmeleon) - Lvl 17

PALINDROME (Ekans) - Lvl 12

 

And that's it.

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JesusofChaos™ Newbie

JesusofChaos™

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I flee town again..Walking through high grass. Heheh..I said grass. Anyway, I'm suddenly attacked by..A rat. I heart rats..and he has the original name of RATTATA. ..Rats rock. I try to catch him with my POTION. ...It does not have the desired effect. BULBASAUR now has his HP replenished..from full. Drat.

 

Win, some of it was a bit lame though

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CeDeFiA Newbie

CeDeFiA

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Anyway, he informed me that if I beat five of them, I get a prize. ..So I pummel him into the GROUND! easily, then continue on. See, I have this method of having CENTWAUR go first..Then switching him out to someone stronger so that he doesn't di-...Er..Completely disgrace his opponent. Then he gets experience anyway. Kickass.

^ One of mah favorite parts.

 

And Crab, please post the other one.

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