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Yu-Gi-Oh! Echoes of Eternity - Alpha


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#1
AsianGuy1137

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Note: Rated PG-13 for some slight language, suggestive themes from the main character and mature themes (later on).

Introduction



Yu-Gi-Oh!
Echoes of Eternity


“It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time…”


- Act I -

I - Alpha: The Beginning


Note:


#2
Piercer of the Heavens

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Nice dude, I actually enjoy reading this Fan Fic. Keep it up with your next chapters. Oh and also was it really necessary to put " it's over nine thousand." That made me laugh.

"It’s only impossible if you stop and think about it."

 

Thanks to Sarah for making the avatar.



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#3
Crimson Blaze

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I found this story to be very amusing and entertaining. However, I find the phrase "It's over 9000!" to be overused and cliched. Also, I failed to understand the setting of the story. You made several errors as well.

“I’ll take the first turn,” declared Colton as he drew a card, “By summoning ‘Wind Weaverbird’!” A graceful green-feathered bird with long sleek wings appeared (3/1200/1500).


“Alyssa…” Colton looked up and her to be greeted by a friendly smile. It was all the more frustrating to watch Alyssa cheer him up after everything she’s already done for her, especially when he was trying to win this duel so he could repay her.


Finally, can you please explain what the parentheses mean and describe the cards more carefully or with more detail (especially made-up cards)? While reading this, I was pretty confused about what was going on.

I am the inextinguishable flame called justice!
As long as there is evil in the world, my blazing soul will never rest!




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#4
AsianGuy1137

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Did you mean grammatical errors? I usually proofread my stories pretty thoroughly and miss only minor errors like a comma-splice or an extra word that don't really detract from the oveall cohesiveness of the story. If you could point them out, it would be much appreciated, and I'll try to fix them immediately.

Finally, can you please explain what the parentheses mean and describe the cards more carefully or with more detail (especially made-up cards)? While reading this, I was pretty confused about what was going on.

The paranthesis around the cards only show that those are actual cards. Sometimes, in dialogue or narration, descriptions can be confused with actual cards. I guess I could describe the cards more thoroughly, but I try to focus on the actual duel instead of descriptions for the sake of keeping the story a reasonable length and the duel easier to follow. I'll include more descriptions next time and see how it goes.

As for the setting, I thought it was adequately described as being in a dojo where wager duels were being held.

After a few more minutes of sharp turns and fitting between tight spaces, Colton and Alyssa stopped in front of a foreboding yet impressive structure. It stood out from its surroundings partially because of its sheer scale in comparison and partially because of its oriental-themed, archaic designs. Altogether, it held the illusion of resembling a Japanese dojo. Yet, instead of being dedicated to the sacred art of swordsmanship and upholding of the sacred code of honor, it was utilized for a more trivial pursuit – a game of Duel Monsters.


As for why they're there.

“Yeah. I’ve been dueling in wager matches to get make easy money.”


and

Your friend was after a very rare possession of mine, an ancient duel disk from the Old Era.


Both describing what Colton was up to. Anyway, thanks for reading, I'll try to make my next chapters easier to follow. If there's anything else you'd like to point out, don't hesitate to do so because I'm fairly new to this, and I need all the help I can get.

#5
Crimson Blaze

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No, actually, what I meant about the setting was the time and place (well, not really, it was pretty well described). Is this story occurring in the same timeline as the anime or is it an entirely new one? Is this a futuristic time period or is it more modern? Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this. I'm expecting something great!

I am the inextinguishable flame called justice!
As long as there is evil in the world, my blazing soul will never rest!




Fan Fics
Yu-Gi-Oh! D.T.
Yu-Gi-Oh! D.T. [Reboot]
Yu-Gi-Oh! D.T. II

Completed Sets
Evolved Flame Deck
Evolved Moonlight Deck
Magic Force Deck
Legend Knight Deck

#6
Crimson Blaze

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Oooohh! Very mysterious. I really like this chapter. My heart was literally racing to find out what would happen next. It felt like watching a dramatic show and the episode ending right when it was getting good.

And now, for the bad news. Alyssa somewhat reminded me of Maya from Dead Zone. I was also confused by this one little part.

“Legendary Argentavis?” Alonzo stood bewildered by the magnificent winged beast towering before him. “I take it this was your price for winning the tournament – an opportunity to design your own card.”


I am the inextinguishable flame called justice!
As long as there is evil in the world, my blazing soul will never rest!




Fan Fics
Yu-Gi-Oh! D.T.
Yu-Gi-Oh! D.T. [Reboot]
Yu-Gi-Oh! D.T. II

Completed Sets
Evolved Flame Deck
Evolved Moonlight Deck
Magic Force Deck
Legend Knight Deck

#7
Bach Pontines

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This is a really good fan fiction.
Soon life will cease to exsist, and then we the Organization XII will take over.
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#8
AsianGuy1137

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Well, I've decided to revise the series and start over with a different exposition. Although many elements of the original first few chapters will be reused, just slightly altered. Don't be afraid to leave a post.

#9
AsianGuy1137

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For some reason, I was experiencing an internal server error everytime I tried to enter the thread so I couldn't update for a while... until now. Hope one of the few stragglers who take a look over this fanfic enjoys this update.

I - Alpha: The Beginning


#10
「RINNE」

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My opinions on chapter 1.

「おいどうすんだよ」「もうどうだっていいや!」

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#11
AsianGuy1137

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Oh wow, thanks for the generous review! I didn't expect anyone to review this. Your points are all well taken, but I think the "faux-philosophical" rambling at the beginning is necessary for developing a plot line later on granted they might not be the most effective way to introduce the setting. As for the scale, I intended for the megalopolis ruins to convey a sense of the size but it'll be expanded upon next chapter. Oh well, you live and learn. I'm sorry if some of the plot devices are cliched, but this is gonna be one of those fanfics that does that to an extent (hopefully not a ridiculous extent). And to be blunt, I'm not even sure why the cliched ending is that much of a problem if I can develop it stylishly (which I guess is debatable but I think my plans are reasonable). I'mhlad you enjoyed Colton's characterization. Inevitably, there are loose ends, but I'll address them with further characterization in more appropriate settings in the next chapter. Thank you for taking the time to review.

#12
AsianGuy1137

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Well I'm pretty sure no one's still reading this, but I changed the intro and Ch.1 a little. I think it's much more interesting now, but your opinions are always welcome. In fact, I would really rather hear your opinions than just rant to myself. Please, I'm begging, say something, ANYTHING! I have nothing else to live for...

#13
Dr. Cakey

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I surprised to discover this is actually quite good. My mind was blown. My recommendations...

Story:
The opening meditation on the nature of the universe is pointless. It doesn't dovetail with the rest of the chapter. It might fit with the nature of the rest of the story, I don't know, but right now the difference is jarring.

That probably goes in the Top 5 Most Nonsensical Reasons to Duel. It's not even "im bored letz dool", it's "we have enough time for an anime character to take one turn, let's duel". You might be able to smooth over the transition, but it seems to me the duel could just be cut entirely.

Duel:
You seem determined to use all custom cards. Okay, I guess. But, and I know this is basically the only thing people say in the Realistic Cards section, but these cards are kind of over-powered. Yes, this is anime/fan-fiction so the cards don't need to be properly balanced, but...well, come on. Whirlwind Avian. It can automatically deal with any threat, just by being summoned. Not only is there no existing card with remotely similar versatility, it drains away all tension and highlights everything with a "why did he do blank when he could have just summoned like anything?"

Oh, and speaking of Whirlwind Avian, it returns itself to the hand turn one, but according to the text you provide, it can only return other monsters to the hand.

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#14
AsianGuy1137

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A review.. from Dr. Cakey... said it was actually surprisingly good? My god.. I must have died and gone to heaven. And here I thought asians have no souls... Sorry, I'm being overdramatic with all these ellipses. Yeah, the opening meditation is pretty out of place. I'm just one guy who likes to ramble. When I wrote this, I was thinking of making this a serious fanfic as I have the general plot of the fanfic figured out, just not the specific details and transitiions to get there. Then I thought about making this a gag fanfic since I was mostly writing it for the duels, despite how bad they might be (I know whirlwind avian is pretty op'd, but considering that the meta is getting ridiculous and that I play with custom cards on Duel Portal, I don't think it's too much of a stretch). Anyway, the end result was this - a half-assed attempt at writing decent fanfic with clumsy structure and almost no sense of direction. I appreciate your feedback, it gives me some hope that I can still churn out something half-decent.

Are there any specific fanfics here that you consider to be good? I'm curious to see what the standards for good fanfics are here, but I don't really want to look through all of them one at a time. I like Dead Zone's story which I find to be absolutely amazing but the duels seem lackluster.

Oh, and speaking of Whirlwind Avian, it returns itself to the hand turn one, but according to the text you provide, it can only return other monsters to the hand.

Colton was activating its trigger effect to bounce once card on the field upon summon, not the second ignition effect.

#15
Dr. Cakey

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A review.. from Dr. Cakey... said it was actually surprisingly good? My god.. I must have died and gone to heaven. And here I thought asians have no souls...

Mm, I'm not Asian, just a weabo. =D

I know whirlwind avian is pretty op'd, but considering that the meta is getting ridiculous and that I play with custom cards on Duel Portal, I don't think it's too much of a stretch

Well, there are particularly patterns by which they have become ridiculous, but that's excessively obsessive in terms of YGO stuff.

Are there any specific fanfics here that you consider to be good? I'm curious to see what the standards for good fanfics are here, but I don't really want to look through all of them one at a time. I like Dead Zone's story which I find to be absolutely amazing but the duels seem lackluster.

I've started to realize my standards are probably a bit too high. Um, let's see, my memory's not great. Matt/Verz Bahamut is solid - or, he is now, anyway. I tried reading the previous two seasons of Hidden Legacy and couldn't manage it. There's like one or two other people, but they've changed their names so many times I can't remember 'em (speaking of which, Matt just changed his name to Galaxy...). Other than that, PikaPerson01 is very good (in keeping with the name-changing theme, she changed it to Hatcher). I think Rinne has only written two chapters of a story and abandoned it since I've been here, but those were good. Dead Zone's duels are probably the best you're going to see.

Colton was activating its trigger effect to bounce once card on the field upon summon, not the second ignition effect.

Oh, should've realized that.

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