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The Motherf***ing Judgment Dragon

Sunshine Jesse

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Sunshine Jesse Newbie

Sunshine Jesse

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Now, I don’t know how many of you dogs of the scurviest sea play card games, but I do a big pile of cards. One thing that blows my mind is how completely insane the cards in Yu-Gi-Oh are. Look at Brionac. This guy has more uses than French restaurants have ways to say “your taste in wine is atrocious”. He has uses to do with every part of his body and then some. He forgets powers sometimes. He can clear the field for an OTK, run over weaker monsters and bounce Premature Burial from his ass. He’s that sort of crazy dude. All because he absorbs cards in your hand.

Look at Stardust Dragon. His power? The anti-power. Sure, he should be some tame, dragon master of not much, but instead he’s the hottest s*** to ever s*** on a plate. You run destruction cards? He’ll find your weakness and give you seizures or heart attacks. He’ll negate your breathing while you’re sleeping or make you recharge your card advantage in a power outlet. Ten thousand volts of f*** you starlight road. That’s Stardust Dragon.

But f***ing Judgment Dragon, my god, my f***ing GOD, this man has the greatest powers of all. If Brionac’s powers are being sucked off by twin super models and Stardust’s are coming home to discover your wife is not only bisexual but has two friends she wants you to ‘get in on’ then Judgment Dragon is an orgy with a thousand women who also want to pay your Pot of Duality billing. And click the mouse for you. This man is just that f***ing hot. They have to power him down in the manga half the time just to keep him from doing everyone else’s job.

Ok first off, he can destroy cards at lightspeed. Mother f***! Not only does he destroy at lightspeed, but time slows down for him. So he feels like he’s destroying a single card, meanwhile his feet are moving so fast you can hear him coming from the deck while he’s already gotten to the field. That’s f***ing fast. But wait! The ability to destroy at Lightspeed just isn’t f***ing enough!

I know! Christ this guy can mill your monsters so many times in a second you’ve milled five Luminas and two times everything else. You think you’re about to fight the Judgment Dragon and then it hits you, for the last split second he’s milled your monsters with more movesthan you had sperm. But no, there’s more!

Judgment Dragon can also OTK by himself. Now last I heard, you cannot OTK with just a single card, so what actually happens is the Judgment Dragon is so fast he can pick and choose the movement of his individual attacks and move them through other solid defenses, phasing through solid Battle Faders like it ain’t no thing. I mean you think a guy who destroys at lightspeed would destroy his own s*** but no, the Judgment Dragon just goes right through them. To top that with a cherry and some whipped cream (which the Judgment Dragon made in like a millisecond, f***er) he can use cards in the deck to selectively choose to cause objects to be “okay” afterwards or f***ing EXPLODE. That’s right. He can destroy you and make you blow up by transfering Lightsworn monsters into you. Like Jesus. IT’s bad enough you can’t easily destroy this guy, but he doesn’t even have to attack you to wreck your s***. Now your testicles have exploded and you’re thinking you’re about to hit him. Jesus? Just give it up. He’s the f***ing Judgment Dragon.

Now imagine that somehow there’s someone who can get around the Judgment Dragon blowing your balls up secret ninja technique. Ok. He can also control the flow of cards between duels. This power makes no sense but basically he can throw a monster at you, and you think it’s going slow and then he’s like WHOOHOOO WIZARDLY JUDGMENT POWERS and bam it’s going at lightspeed. So he can throw seven million Lightsown Monsters at you in a second then make them all goes different speeds thus striking your nads with seven million monsters one after the other.

But wait! There’s more! He can also take energy from the very power of speed and make monsters out of it. Yes. Judgment Dragon makes his Wulfs out of GOES FAST. The man is so fast he can make Judgment Dragon pants that GOES FAST go right into. I don’t even start to understand the physics of that but basically SPEED == REALLY TIGHT GREEN PANTS AND COOL STAFF THINGIES OVER HIS BACK. You would think this is the end of it but ok let’s say Judgment Dragon is fighting Brionac and s*** he’s going to lose and f*** how is Brionac THIS f***ing strong? I don’t know he must be Brionac fused with Stardust Dragon into some sort of guy with tons of negation and card advantage to bounce you far harder than anyone else ok to end it off Judgment Dragon is in your hand he can SUMMON HIMSELF ON COMMAND.

How do you beat this dude? You’re thinking you’re hashing him good, laying down the beatdown and bouncing him back into his hand, missing your balls and suddenly BAM HE COMES OUT OF f***ing NOWHERE and there’s a dent in your forehead and Brionac not thunk so gud no mer. Actually he didn’t come out of nowhere just put speed into them so he went back in time and never was bounced! f*** you Judgment Dragon! You moved bounce to Soviet f***ing russia! RUSS-IA! b****.

Oh, and lastly his greatest power is he isn’t destructive in bed. He takes it slow and gets all the ladies with his superpowers then actually satisfies them in the sack. Who the Hell is this guy? You’d think he could AT LEAST be a premature ejaculator since his penis is destroying at lightspeed but NOOOO he’s even good in bed.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Yawgmoth sucks cock and should go die in a freak greasefire.

[img]http://images.wikia.com/yugioh/images/e/e8/JudgmentDragonLODT-EN-ScR-1E.png[/img]
Discuss Judgment Dragon and his impact on the game, what the game would be like without him, etc
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