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Cleansed - The Spectral Detectives [Complete]


Catterjune

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[spoiler=][i]Plagued by poltergeists?! [u]Agitated by apparitions?![/u] [s]Spooked by spirits?! [b](why is this struck out)[/b][/s]

Is your home or office haunted by the ghosts of the dearly departed? Unexplainable phenomenon, sudden chills, objects moving, soft murmurings, or horrifying nightmarish visions? Abandoning your home and starting anew is expensive. What you need to do is give Catherine Gibbs a call at 212-867-5309. That's Catherine Gibbs, New York City's first and only certified Spectral Detective!

"I promise to bring you, and your loved ones, the peace of mind, body, and soul you all so desperately deserve."[/i]

---

The site of our next case was a quiet, quaint little church. It was a sharp contrast from the bright lights and the hustle and bustle of Times Square, which made it all the more surprising it was a mere two blocks away. From where I stood, I could still see the bright lights, and even managed to spot the pharmaceutical company my partner and his family owned, Infinite Solutions.

We entered the church at the agreed upon time, 5PM. Despite the dim candlelight of the church, it was still brighter than the cold, late December night skies outside. Upon our arrival, we were greeted by a rather charming young maiden. She wore an all black robe, with a simple crucifix hanging from her neck. Her hair remained hidden under a nun's habit. She had an air of maturity that her young face betrayed. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say she looked a year or so younger than my partner, Luke. Most likely a year old then his sister Lauren. [b](last bit about Lauren doesn't really add anything, imo. Especially since it doesn't help us tell her age)[/b]

I took a step forward, presenting a gloved leather hand, [s]gloved of course because of the freezing cold[/s]. Realizing how rude it was, I quickly removing my right glove and placed it into my pocket. I smiled nervously as I presented my hand. "Catherine Gibbs." It was our first 'official' case as a team, and I wanted to make the perfect first impression.

She took my hand weakly, a timid smile on her pale face. Her handshake was like [s]that of [/s]a fish: limp, cold and clammy.[b](like "that of a" implies that her handshake was like a fish's handshake....which would be nonexistant, because fish do not have hands)[/b] "Sister Marie Johanson," she stated.

A casual smirk spread itself upon my associate's face. "Name’s Lucas Prescott. Call me Luke." He leaned in expecting a kiss from the young lady. Her already pale visage whitened more so. I stepped in, rebuking his attempts. [b](Why would he expect a kiss from a nun.)[/b]

"We're not here to make small talk, Luke," I began. He sheepishly looked away, no doubt sensing from my tone of voice that I was serious.

A sigh from my partner. "Right right. We're here to catch ghosts." A notable lack of emphasis[b](emphasis on what?)[/b] [s]on[/s] [b]in [/b]his voice.

“We're here to [i]help[/i] ghosts, not catch them. Help them settle unfinished business, and move on to the world after this one."

Despite my words, I could tell from the palor of Sister Johanson[b]'s[/b] face that she remained cautious and unsure about our qualifications. "Don't mind him." I spoke [b]with[/b] a gentle and reassuring smile, or at least that's what I hoped for. "He's new to the whole 'Spectral Detective' business. Right, Luke?"

Luke gave me a look, "Whatever," before turning his attention to admiring the items laid about near the altar. He picked up a Bible, casually peering through it [s]and flipping through random pages[/s][b](I'm not sure how else you peer through a book than by flipping pages)[/b]. "The lady doesn't need to know how long I've been doing this. Can we just get things moving along?"

I returned my attention to our client as I unbuckled my long coat. It was warmer in the church than I had anticipated.

"The reason human sentiments linger on in this world is due to past regrets. We help ghosts discover and get over the things that they regret, their 'unfinished business,' so to speak. However, it's rarely ever as simple as that. His sister-" I motioned towards Luke. "-didn't tell us much before we came. She only told us that this church of hers desperately needed our help. Can you tell us anything more?"

Sister Johanson nodded weakly before speaking. "On Christmas morning, the priest of our church, Father [s]Timothy [/s]McCrimmon was hit by a bus... and... and...." She looked pained, [s]verging on[/s] [b]on the verge of [/b]tears, but I tried to appear sympathetic. A gentle nod and a reassuring smile when needed. After all, if she broke down we'd have no lead on this case. "Ever since that day, the visitors of the church claimed to have heard his voice and seen... seen a figure - a ghost. The robes, the bald head, the wispy beard. They claim his spirit still haunts our church but I am... not so sure."

“Not sure?” Luke began, taking his eyes off whatever random thing he was looking through in the Bible. "How come?"

She turned away from Luke before speaking to me. “He was loyal to the church. He preached every Sunday, performed the Sacrament of Penance every day." I gave her a bit of a confused look, not a particularly religious person. She seemed to pick up on my confusion and elaborated. "The confessions. He ran the confessions. He also conducted the choir every evening, and gave the homeless a hearth every night. Even in his old age, he seemed full of life. If... if there was one word I would use to describe him... it certainly wouldn't be 'regretful,'[s],[/s] certainly not someone who had any unfinished business."

I produced a notepad and pencil from my coat pocket. Needing a firmer grip on my pencil, I quickly removed the last remaining glove and quickly jotted down what I had heard. Then I asked, "Was there anything unusual about him days or even weeks before his death?"

The nun scratched her cheek as she spoke. "Come to think of it...." The words were drawn out, as though she had given them an intense amount of thought. "The day before his death, he seemed unusually [s]more[/s] nervous[b](unless he's normally nervous afer confession)[/b] after a confession."

I raised a brow. Out of the corner of my eye I watched as Luke looked up from the Bible he was not-reading. "That sounds like a promising lead."

"He probably heard something unsettling. Like a murder or something."

"Our best bet to move forward would be to summon the ghost of Father McCrimmon himself, and question the motives behind his haunting," I stated bluntly.

A curious and skeptical look from the nun. "Uhh... were you not paying attention ma'am? However I long to speak with Father McCrimmon again, I'm afraid he's..."[b](Well, she said ghost. I'm not sure why the nun is confused.)[/b]

"His ghost haunts the church, correct? Ghosts are still people too, after all. Perhaps they're no longer living, or their senses may not be as sharp as ever, but their consciousness remains. To gather a ghost's consciousness for a brief moment and summon it into a more recognizable form, all you need to do is state its name and a request that you wish to speak to it."

"It'd be easier to just do it then to explain." Luke insisted, closing the Bible and preparing.

We pointed dramatically at the pulpit of the church at the end of the pews.

"Father Timothy McCrimmon! We humbly request an audience!"[/spoiler]

[b]Since this was linked in your sig, I'm going to assume it's fair game for critique, despite being a little older. I'd like a little more personality out of Cathrine, and a little more description of Luke. I also feel like there's a missed opportunity for their relationship right now. You stated that Luke was new. How does Cathrine feel about it? Does she trust him? Does she think he's a goof-off? Does she resent having to have a partner? Did she have an old partner? I want to hear some of her opinions on him, and since you're in the first person, that shouldn't be a problem.[/b]

[b]This is a pretty strong start.[/b]

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Those are all very interesting questions that I have no intention of answering.

Now, before you get your pitchforks and torches ready, hear me out. It's a bit of a long read.

When I originally wrote the story, I had written lots and lots of backstory for it. I believe I had written about two or three subchapters of content before realizing they were completely fucking stupid and scrapping them.

I had many reasons for scrapping the work I had done. Here's some of them:

Firstly, the original opening for chapter 1 was Catherine in her apartment, meeting Lucas, and then Luke tells her about a haunted church. Catherine wants to do it alone because she doesn't give a damn about Luke and guesses (correctly?!) that he'll just weigh her down. Luke reminds that he's her employer for this case, since he'll be paying her for her detective skills, so she'll have to do as he says if she wants to get paid. She begrugingly agrees and then we get pretty much a copypasta of chapter one with a few changes here and there.

I believe Luke's thing was originally, entirely, 100 percent just him being bored. "I'd gone parasailing, mountain climbing, bungee jumping, bird watching, car racing, but I've never hunted a ghost before." Followed by Cathy's signature "We don't [i]hunt[/i] ghosts. We help them cross over to the other side."

But there were a lot of... key flaws with that, and a lot of unfortunate implications.

Firstly, while the whole "Who's actually the boss in this operation? The self proclaimed expert on the subject or the one who's paying her?"-aspect of it all was slightly interesting, however the answer typically seemed to fall on the fact that it was Luke. If I can imagine a simile, I would imagine Cathy's doing serious work on a computer (that can't save for some reason) with Luke's hand hovering over the power cord and ready to pull the plug should Cathy not do as he wished. It made her seem a lot more impotent and powerless in the situation, and it made Luke seem like a petulant child, which is not how I wished to portray them. Cathy was meant to be a strong female lead, and Luke was meant to be slightly childish, but not vindictive and cruel.

I think I also originally had it so Cathy's apartment was some kind of shithole. Like... all she had was a mattress, clothes thrown everywhere, and most likely some undiagnosed psychiatric problem. It made her character... a tad bit more sympathetic but that sympathy was completely thrown away the minute she insulted Luke. I (originally) saw it as Cathy being sassy and not taking crap from anyone, a whole "you go girl!" female empowerment thing, but instead it made her look like an ungrateful cunt. He was her boss, giving her the money she needed just to make ends meet (because she was so poor) doing something she herself professed to being an expert to and the fact that Luke just took it all made him seem like a spineless wimp. This was certainly not the way I wanted my characters to be seen by others, so I had to change things once again.

I toned down on Cathy's insults, and made her seem remarkably grateful for having Luke around. But this created another problem in and of itself. It made Cathy seem like the "Damsel in Distress" who needed to be saved from losing her shithole apartment by her "Knight in Shining Armor" Luke.

I tried a bunch of different ways to build them up and set up their background, to explain their thoughts, but in the end I just decided to forgo all of that and just jump straight into the case, with only light touches of their opinions sprinkled in here and there.

Secondly, and slightly more importantly, I felt having Cathy stop and explain her thoughts on everything would be too distracting. She had a job to do, and she was going to do it regardless of whether or not Luke was there. She's a professional, first and foremost.

I'm sure someone's thinking "distracting from what?" so here ya'go:

[spoiler=lolspoilers]Yeah, anyone who read from Chapters one through five can already reasonably guess what the main point of the story is, but since Chapter 6 isn't up yet, or some people may not have gotten to Chapter 4 yet I guess I'll keep this in spoilers.

Don't read unless you like getting spoilers, or until after you've read chapter 4 or 5.

Main point of story (IMO) = The curious death of Lauren Prescott, the circumstances behind her death, and how Cathy and Luke helped her resolve her unfinished business.[/spoiler]

In my mind, the main reason she continues to stick with Luke was solely because Luke was rich, and Luke knew rich people. I think I always viewed Spectral Detectiving as a luxury. You have to pay in order to not have ghosts (Cathy pretty much confirms this in Chapter 5) and none of Cathy's friends, peers, or family could afford to have her solve their problems. Eventually (after a long time) she's free to take any case she pleases, or take up cases for free if she so desires for glory as opposed to monetary gains (whereas near the beginning it was a hundred percent just the monetary gain). I remember some quote that was something like "therapy is for people with more money then problems", which I think could decently apply to hiring a Spectral Detective. More money then ghost problems. But again, this is only my theory on why the stuck with each other, and it's no more valid then anyone else's theory on the subject.

As for the specific questions, "How does Cathrine feel about it? Does she trust him? Does she think he's a goof-off? Does she resent having to have a partner?" I think there's enough hints within the first chapter for any reader to make a reasonable assumption as to what she thinks of him. There's her actions when Luke attempts to kiss Sister Johansen to the 'serious tone' in her voice when she speaks to him to Luke's reply of "Glad you finally started to notice" when Cathy compliments him (implying that she had not complimented him before). In my opinion, I think (within the first chapter and hints of the second chapter) Cathy thinks rather lowly of Luke. I don't believe she dislikes him, but if she does dislike him she recognizes he is necessary to having around (see above paragraph). But again, these are just my own personal thoughts on the subject, and not an end-all-be-all "Word of God" response. Your opinion on the story is most likely equally as valid. Heck that's mostly why it's in first person, to emphasize that your opinion (whatever it may be) is most likely the correct one. Which kind of makes the third and fourth chapter harder to read if your opinion deviated slightly, but there's plenty of competing theories if you so wish. >_>

And as for the specific question of "Did she have an old partner?" ... I think I'd prefer to keep that to myself for right now. Mostly I'm not sure, but if there's a sequel/prequel more focused entirely on Cathy's past (as opposed to what is currently the focus) that aspect of herself may be explored further. If it's any consolation, she implies/mentions she used to be a police officer in passing in the fourth and fifth chapter (Chapter 4: "We're detectives, remember?" Chapter 5: "I wasn't an avid fan of guns, most likely the reason I couldn't 'cut it in the force', as they say.") She is familiar with laws and investigations, and may have had a partner while being a police officer and may have had a partner in not-Ghost Hunting prior to Luke, but overall it's not all that important to the current main point of the story (main point is in the spoiler).


tl;dr - Whatever you think is the right answer (as long as it is not strictly contradicted by what is in the story) is the right answer.

On an unrelated note, your spoiler tag wasn't working. I fixed it... I think. >_>

I may or may not address the concerns expressed within. (or just venture ahead and fix them myself)

Thanks for reading and thanks for your criticism.

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I think you could have gotten around your initial problems with the Luke/Cathrine thing by considering: Cathrine has something Luke wants as well. He wants to experience paranormal investigation, and Cathrine (I'm assuming) is the only source he's going to get for that. I could see you going a more BBC [i]Sherlock[/i] route with her personality, where she really just doesn't give a damn, and she'd rather go hungry than take orders from him, so he has to fold to her will, or he doesn't get his paranormal experience.

But that's just my take on how I would have handled the issue. You've clearly put a lot of thought into it yourself and decided your own course of action. I'll get around to the other chapters in the next few days, probably.

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The way I thought it, it was a game of gains versus loses.

If Luke loses Cathy, he's just out of some free entertainment. If Cathy lose Luke, she's out of a job and homeless on the streets. I think Luke would be completely cool with calling Cathy's bluff (if in fact it is a bluff) and then the story would be over so that's kind of why I didn't want to go that route.

Basically, Cathy has a lot more to lose by them seperating then Luke does and most of her trying to appear "damn proud!" would just be construed as her being pigheaded and stubborn.

ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE!

[quote]Plagued by poltergeists?! [u]Agitated by apparitions?![/u] [s]Spooked by spirits?![/s]
[b](why is this struck out)[/b][/quote]
Because each of those three sentences is said in a different silly and over the top voice that one would expect from a terrible commercial (its a radio ad BTW. This is clarified in the second chapter.). It was meant to imply they were all spoken in a different tone of voice, and I only had four of them to use. Italics was already in use (for the entire thing, mainly to denote that it was not an 'official' part of the story as it does not fit into the story) and bold typical denotes LOUD! BOOMING! EMPHASIS! which is not the tone of voice that I imagined Catherine would like to use in a radio ad, as it would denote agression as opposed to professionalism. I couldn't use any previous convention because it would imply it was a repeated tone of voice (and each of them is supposed to be different) so I settled for stricken through. The way I imagine it, 'Plagued' is said in a normal-ish voice (but still in a kind of a fast talking sleazy commercial announcer sort of way), 'Agitated' is said slightly louder and with extra unneeded emphasis, and 'Spooked' is said in a bit of a whisper. It's also the three ways I imagined ghosts operate in the story. Sometimes it's small subtle things like moving a small object a tiny bit (stricken through whisper), to something loud and hard to ignore like slamming doors (underlined and louder), and then just 'normal' like being regular people and having conversations (plain italics).

[quote]If I had to venture a guess, I'd say she looked a year or so younger than my partner, Luke. Most likely a year old then his sister Lauren.
[b](last bit about Lauren doesn't really add anything, imo. Especially since it doesn't help us tell her age)[/b][/quote]
It's mostly to denote that Luke has a sister, and that she is 2 years younger then him. I admit upon a second read through that sentence is sloppy as hell. I'll adjust it either later this afternoon or tomorrow.

[quote]Her handshake was like that of a fish: limp, cold and clammy.
[b](like "that of a" implies that her handshake was like a fish's handshake....which would be nonexistant, because fish do not have hands)[/b][/quote]
It's what Cathy imagines a fish would shake hands like, if fish could shake hands (which they can not). I suppose if it's that bit of a problem those three words can be omitted.

[quote]He leaned in expecting a kiss from the young lady. Her already pale visage whitened more so. I stepped in, rebuking his attempts.
[b](Why would he expect a kiss from a nun.)[/b][/quote]
Luke expects kisses from all women. It's the 1960's and that's how he greets people. It's meant to show he's rather impulsive and a bit of a lady's man (or maybe that's just how he imagines himself). I think I meant to show him kiss a few more women here and there but that opportunity never came up and by the time there were more women in the story for him to interact with [acronym='Luke was dating Cathy'][spoilers for chapter 3 and beyond. Put your mouse over this to read it.][/acronym] and it would be weird.

[quote]A notable lack of emphasis
[b](emphasis on what?)[/b][/quote]
... I believe I meant to write "enthusiasm", or (incorrectly) assumed emphasis and enthusiasm were synonyms. >_>

Again, either later on today or tomorrow.

[quote]He picked up a Bible, casually peering through it and flipping through random pages
[b](I'm not sure how else you peer through a book than by flipping pages)[/b][/quote]
I believe the way it was originally written some people had assumed he was just looking at whatever random page the Bible happened to be opened to and nothing else which is not what I had intended him to be doing. Furthermore, specifying that he is flipping pages sets up his character as being rather reckless with other people's property, along with implying that he is naturally curious about other things, it helps to further establish the rather childlike personality I imagined him having. If you feel this is unneceesary, or it does not demonstrate the intended personality properly enough, would you be willing to suggest a better way to demonstrate this?

[quote]"The day before his death, he seemed unusually [s]more[/s] nervous
[b](unless he's normally nervous afer confession)[/b][/quote]
As it is dialogue, Sister Marie Johansen tripping over grammar and words is meant to imply that she herself is not quite in the right frame of mind. Though again, one word, I can omit it if it is a problem.

[quote]"Uhh... were you not paying attention ma'am? However I long to speak with Father McCrimmon again, I'm afraid he's..."
[b](Well, she said ghost. I'm not sure why the nun is confused.)[/b][/quote]
... That's a good point. I'll fix it later, either by adjusting what Cathy said, what the nun said, or omiting this line all together.

Again, thanks for the review, thanks for pointing out typos and errors, and so on and so forth. I encourage you to continue reading (it's not really all that long, I don't think) as I believe most questions you may have are explained along the way.

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[quote=]The way I thought it, it was a game of gains versus loses.

If Luke loses Cathy, he's just out of some free entertainment. If Cathy lose Luke, she's out of a job and homeless on the streets. I think Luke would be completely cool with calling Cathy's bluff (if in fact it is a bluff) and then the story would be over so that's kind of why I didn't want to go that route.

Basically, Cathy has a lot more to lose by them seperating then Luke does and most of her trying to appear "damn proud!" would just be construed as her being pigheaded and stubborn.[/quote]

Ah, see, I saw Luke as someone who isn't just bored, but [i]haunted[/i] by boredom. He can't escape it. He's tried everything else, and everytime he grows bored of it quickly. He's a junkie for something interesting, and he's finally found it in paranormal investigation. This way, he becomes just as invested in staying around as Cathy is in needing him. And pigheaded and stubborn aren't necessarily "deal breakers" (characters do need flaws). Going back to [i]Sherlock[/i], there were certainly times where he was prideful (well, a lot of times) and rude, but his genius at what he does shone through that and he ended up still being an overall likeable character. (all of this is strictly hypothetical, I'm not suggesting at all that you need to change it, merely discussing other possible routes and character developments. For funsies).


@Radio ad: Well first, I don't know it's a radio ad (until chapter 2), and even then, all the different styles don't really indicate different tone (well, italics can have that connotation), because they're not normally used for that...so I don't have the built-in knowledge of what you were going for. So it falls flat and looks strange until you sit down and explain it to me (which of course, you shouldn't have to). Just something to consider.

@Luke as a ladies man: Well first off, I don't remember an approximate time frame being established? I had no idea it was supposed to be in the 1960's until you told me (I feel like you're obligated to mention communists at least once, lol). I [i]did[/i] get a bit of the playboy sense from Luke, but I just thought the overall action seemed very strange. A. She's a client, and going in for a kiss (uninvited, at that), is a little less than professional (and I know Luke *isn't* professional, but to me at least it still crosses a line). B. She's a nun. Pretty sure those are sworn to celibacy. I have no idea why you'd approach a nun like that. A nun you just met. I feel like there are less-strange ways to show off his playboy nature (kiss on the hand, preening, flirting).

EDIT: Oh, I didn't read the heading title XDDDD
My bad, disregard that bit about time frame (although some 1960's stuff wouldn't hurt. js.)

[spoiler=]Sister Johanson raised a skeptical eyebrow at us after our rather flashy display. But before she could question our methods further, a cold air flooded the church. It was as though someone had suddenly blasted the doors open. I quickly turned to make sure they were indeed closed before turning back to the head of the church. The wind picked up as the candles laid about the church were blown out. I began to button up my trench coat, and looked ahead at the pulpit. Near the altar, I saw the vision of a figure. [s]See through[/s] [b]Transparent[/b], [s]like made of a thin material that allowed light to touch past him[/s] [b](Weak, man. The point of a simile is to create a strong visual image. Transparent like wax paper held to the light. Transparent like a flickering projection. Transparent like a stain glass window. Something.)[/b], the figure was visible at the other side of the pews. Most of his features seemed distorted and unrecognizable [b](I would take out the "unrecognizable" bit, it doesn't add anything to the sentence, and Marie clearly recognizes him, so it's not actually unrecognizable either.)[/b], though considering I had never met our subject, it was difficult to say with certainty, however but from the look on Sister Marie's face, it was evident she recognized him.

"F-Father McCrimmon!" she shouted in surprise, holding a hand over her mouth.

"Timothy McCrimmon!" [s]An accusing tone to my partner's voice[/s] [b]My partner said accusingly[/b]. "Why are you still hanging around in the world of the living?"

I blinked, pushing slightly past him. "Father Timothy McCrimmon. You were a loyal man of the cloth, working to serve the community and help people at their darkest hour. If you're worried about how the church will handle itself without you, I ask you to cast aside your doubt! Sister Marie Johanson is more then capable of-"

As I spoke, I turned my attention to her, cowering in fear behind a pew. My palm quickly rushed to meet my face in exasperation [b](I just don't find facepalming to be a natural reaction to anything. Maybe it's just me.)[/b]. "Sister Johanson?! Just what do you think you are doing?"

The ghostly specter at last spoke, rather quiet and slightly distorted. [size=2][font=Century Gothic]"I am not... do not... not ready..."[/font][/size] [s]A pained sound to his voice[/s][b] He said in a pained voice[/b], as though it took the greatest of effort and concentration to admit this. I wouldn't doubt it did.

Sister Marie took a step forward, finding some courage, and spoke. "F-Father McCrimmon, you lived a long and fulfilling life. Though your passing 3 days ago was quite tragic, you shouldn't feel the need to stay in this world on my behalf."

[size=2][font=Century Gothic]"N-not your... my own... regrets..."[/font][/size]

It seemed I was mistaken. He wasn't here for Marie's sake, but rather his own misgivings. "Well then Father McCrimmon, why do you continue to linger to this world?"

[size=2][font=Century Gothic]"Something... I must say... but I can not."[/font][/size]

I was unsure [s]of[/s] what [s]it is[/s] he meant, before remembering Sister Johansen's word. He was alarmed after a confession. Though I myself wasn't particularly fond of organized religion, I knew enough to know the words heard at a confession were not to be repeated. I questioned. "Something you heard during a confession?" What looked like a faint nod from our stranger merely verified my guess.

The situation was rather paradoxical. It appeared his unfinished business was to tell us something but, by the rules of his own religion, he was forbidden from letting us know.

"If only he could give us a hint..." Luke began.

That was it. I snapped my fingers [s]at Luke's response[/s]. "Brilliant, Luke."

"Brilliant? Me?" A smirk [b]appeared [/b]upon his face as he adjusted his tie. "Well, glad you finally started to notice."

"Father McCrimmon! Your unfinished business was that you could not tell anyone what you heard in a confession, correct? As you can not tell us what it was directly, how about you leave us a sign, a hint? You're spirit should find comfort in at least that much, and you can guide us along the way if we're getting close."

The priest gave a pained look before speaking. [size=2][font=Century Gothic]"Hebrew... twelve... twenty... nine."[/font][/size]

I scribbled the phrase down onto my notepad. "Hebrew 12:29." Not so familiar with the Bible, I turned towards our resident expert, Sister Johanson. "What's that one about?"

Sister Johanson looked rather perplexed. "It's.. not a very common passage. I'd have to look it up-"

"Already on it," Luke replied. I saw him flip through the pages sporadically before slowing his pace and then turning them one by one. It seemed he found the passage. Unfortunately, his face seemed not to help much. [i]"For our God is a consuming fire."[/i]

There was a [s]bit of a[/s] silence among the church, as the three of us seemed to think it over, with McCrimmon overseeing our preceedings. Finally, Luke broke the silence. "I don't get it."

"Well... now..." I elongated my words, hoping they would buy me time but alas when I finished my sentence I didn't think of anything.

"I'm afraid I don't understand either Misses Gibbs."

"Miss." I corrected. "And... I gotta admit I'm a bit stumped myself. Maybe it was some kind of warning?"

"A warning? Like... something was gonna catch on fire?" Luke put the Bible down and looked up towards McCrimmon. He responded with the faintest of nods, confirming Luke's suspicions.

"Maybe the previous line or the line afterward would give us a hint?" Sister Johanson declared optimistically.

"Doubtful." I began. "If he wanted to include the previous lines he'd have mentioned them too, wouldn't he?"

"Besides, there are no other lines after the bit with the 'consuming fire'."

A disappointed look spread itself on Sister Johanson's face.

"Maybe..." Luke started. "Maybe there was a double meaning here. Maybe he meant 12:29 like... a date or something?"

"December 29th?" I scratched my cheek. "That would be... tomorrow."

"So... something will be on fire tomorrow? Do you think maybe that's what his confession was about? An arsonist?"

It seemed at Sister Johansen's last words, the faintest of smiles finally spread on the old man's face. After we finally reached the conclusion he had been guiding us towards, a bright light emanated from the ghost of the priest. His details were more outlined then they ever were before. And at last, a few final words for Sister Johansen [size=2][font=Century Gothic]"Thank... you."[/font][/size],[b](commas go on the inside of quotes)[/b] before he disappeared [s]into nothingness[/s][b](disappearing implies into nothingness)[/b]. The rush of cold air [s]had[/s] dissipated, and the flickering candles [s]had[/s] once again re-lit themselves.

"Marie, do you at least remember what the guy looked like?" I thought it quite rude of Luke to address the nun by her first name but she seemed to think little of it, as she responded.

"Actually, when he walked in, I had a feeling I had seen him somewhere before." She scratched her head[s], a feeling of unease to her words[/s][b] uneasily[/b]. "I just... can't quite put my finger on where. I'm sure if I saw him again, [s]I'm sure[/s] I would be able to identify him."

"Well, in any case, it seems you must get into contact with police, and soon ma'am." I began. "You know more about this future arsonist then either Luke or myself."

She however remained [s]looking[/s] unsure. "In any case, at least we helped Father McCrimmon solve his unfinished business."

Luke nodded in agreement before adjusting his hat. It was only at that moment that I noticed he was still wearing one indoors. I scowled as I looked him over. "Don't worry about it Marie." Luke said, slinking his arm around the off-put nun. He [s]attempted to[/s] walk[b]ed[/b] her over to door, pushing it open ([b]he can't [i]attempt[/i] to walk her over and then open the door, attempt implies he tried to, but did not succeed (which he did, if he's opening the door))[/b]. "I know plenty of people from the police. I'll make sure they-"

He stopped, mid-sentence. Unusual[s]ly[/s] for the typically chatty Luke to be so quiet[b].[/b] I turned to look. "Hey, what's with the... lack of commotion[b](not in love with this phrase)[/b]?"

A building, a block or so away on Times Square [b]was [/b]up in flames. The billowing smoke took up the entire skyline. My eyes widened[b].[/b] [s]as I felt[/s] I had seen that building before. The approaching siren of a fire truck broke me from my trance.

"Infinite Solutions?"[/spoiler]

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[quote](although some 1960's stuff wouldn't hurt. js.) [/quote]
I actually did have a bit of "Is this 1960's enough?" thinking going along, before remembering I wasn't born there and couldn't say for sure. I think I got quite a bit of inspiration from the idea of "That 70's show" (not specifics, just the premise) in that it takes place in the 1970's, but for many, many plotlines it could just as easily take place in present times, IE: The 1990's when the show came out. Just having a "the more things change, the more things stay the same" kind of vibe seemed appealing to me.

It was also mostly done to avoid the old cell phone/surveillance camera that could absolutely ruin just about most of the plot.

In any case, I think I had a few passing conversations about communism in some drafts. In Chapter 4 for [a certain reason I do not wish to spoil] they can't use their names, so they try to use some synonyms. Luke says he wants his name to be "Lenin" which Cathy thinks is appauling, saying McCarthy wouldn't approve. Luke seems annoyed and says "Well I certainly won't be Ringo if that's what you're suggesting". The joke being that Cathy meant Joseph McCarthy and Vladimir Lenin while Luke meant Paul McCartney and John Lennon. the joke also further demonstrating that Cathy was the more mature one, keeping up to date with things like politics and the war on Communism while Luke spent most of his time being cool and young and listening to the Beatles.

(And it's true what they say. Disecting a joke is a lot like disecting a cat. Sure you find out how it works, but you end up killing it in the process.)

But while looking the chapter over, I had to disgard it since it was hardly a cause for levity in the scene in which it occurs and it just kind of seemed awkwardly shoved in. I think there's a few references to the year here and there, like Cathy mentioning her outfit in chapter 3 and mentioning one of those new "instant cameras" and describing someone's 1965 car as "brand new", but overall it's not too much. Being set in 1964-1966 is a bit of an afterthought... which kind of is a strike against it TBQH. I needed it to be in the 1960's for plot convenience, but beyond that it's rather lacking in the department. Mostly also because it's meant to be short, quick, and to the point, really trimming off just about everything not related to the plot or the case at hand.

If you'd like to suggest a film (or several films) or books that you believe capture the "1960's America" feel, then by all means suggest them.

[quote]@Radio ad[/quote]
I'm perfectly 100 percent okay with people not realizing it was a radio ad. It's only about a paragraph long. Only 90 words out of a 2483 word document. (Though I think my thing might count [size = 2][font = Century Gothic]" Hello "[ /font ][ /size ] as 6 words instead of 1.) so even if someone is a little confused... that's fine, and they'll most likely figure it out by the second chapter when Harold mentions "We've all heard your radio commercial" and proceeds to repeat it. Even if after all that they still didn't understand it... that's okay. Ninety words out of a 30k+ word document you didn't understand is pretty high up there in my favor.

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tbh, I don't have much knowledge of older movies :P
The only one I can think of is Invasion of the Body Snatchers? You could try Watchmen (the comic, not the movie), it's AU, but it's still the 60's. The general mood of that decade was one of paranoia and fear. The end of the world could legitimately have happened at any time. Vietnam was also during that, so there's some pretty strong anti-war sentiments as well. Hitchcock's [i]Pyscho[/i] was released in the 60's. I just did a quick google search for "1960 new york" and came up with a bunch of reference images. I'm sure there are online archives of newspapers from the era as well.

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I'm aware of the Vietnam war, and I think I had a fun idea for a chapter centered around hippies but they didn't really spring up until 1967 (the Summer of Love) and the last chapter occurs in early 1966. I think Cathy and Luke were both alive when Kennedy was assassinated, but that was in '63, a year before the story begins so it doesn't effect the pair too much. I don't think that Luke would really stay that much up to date with the Vietnam War and I can't imagine Cathy casually bringing it up in conversation. It is far removed from their lives, or they have other things going on.

I've read Watchmen (and seen the movie too, which I did enjoy. I don't know why comic book purists dislike it so much) and I'm pretty much positive it takes place in the 80's. I remember specifically that Dr. Manhattan singlehandedly won the Vietnam war (because I read it in a Cracked article recently) and I remember that funny scene in the introduction that's all like "Nixon elected for 3rd term" when Nixon was elected back in '68 IIRC. Though maybe despite taking place in the 80's it has a 60's mentality, IDK.

Edit: Just looked it up. Roarshach's final journal entry is November 1st, 1985.

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Oh derp, that's right. I just remembered that they were still in the cold war (but that was becuase Manhattan won Vietnam for them). So yeah, Watchmen is a good example of the mood of the 60's, despite being in the 80's.

And while I wasn't alive then so I can't say this as fact, I feel like even someone as disinterested as Luke would have a beat on what's happening with the Cold War. Kind of like post 9/11, everyone was suddenly hyper-aware of what was going on in the news, even if they normally would not be.

And you have them interacting with other characters as well as each other, I'm sure that someone likes current events. idk.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry for neglecting to mention your other review for so long. I was really pushing to finish Chapter 6 (which I did last Friday), to send it of to the person who I ask to read things (because I hate reading the things I write) and then I had a few other things to deal with this week (tackling the things my proofreader sounded off, as well as personal matters)

So like... yeah:


[quote][s]See through[/s] [b]Transparent,[/b] [s]like made of a thin material that allowed light to touch past him[/s] [b](Weak, man. The point of a simile is to create a strong visual image. Transparent like wax paper held to the light. Transparent like a flickering projection. Transparent like a stain glass window. Something.)[/b][/quote]
I'm not very good at metaphors and similies. I'm like a bird who is also not very good at metaphors or similies.

"HERPDERPEXCUSES!"

I'll fix it either this evening or tomorrow afternoon.

[quote]Most of his features seemed distorted and unrecognizable [b](I would take out the "unrecognizable" bit, it doesn't add anything to the sentence, and Marie clearly recognizes him, so it's not actually unrecognizable either.)[/b][/quote]
Fair point. Again, this evening or tomorrow.

[quote]"Thank... you.",(commas go on the inside of quotes)[/quote]
... They do? o_0

I dunno, my English classes when I went to school were balls. My sixth grade teacher got a better job somewhere else right before Christmas break so we had no teacher for half a year and my eight grade english teacher broke her leg around spring so we had no teacher for 3 months. I was in ESL (English as a Second Language) freshman year of high school (despite being born in this country and speaking English my entire life) and by the time everything got all sorted out we got into the whole "reading for meaning" stuff in 10th grade English, which doesn't really hit up subtle nuisances such as "where does the comma go when you quote stuff?". A buddy of mine (who is significantly younger then me) seems surprised I do not know how to dissect a sentence.

But anyway, thanks for letting me know. I'll keep that in mind for later on works.

[quote]He [s]attempted to[/s] walk[b]ed[/b] her over to door, pushing it open [b](he can't attempt to walk her over and then open the door, attempt implies he tried to, but did not succeed (which he did, if he's opening the door))[/b][/quote]
... Makes sense.

[quote]"Hey, what's with the... lack of commotion[b](not in love with this phrase)[/b]?"[/quote]
I'll fix it.


Once again, thank you for reviewing my story and I hope you continue reading.

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