Golden Blood - Prologue

[Katoki]

The room of the old castle was dark and to someone who had been watching the room it would be clear that it was night. A long table lay in the middle of the room with varies people scattered across it in chairs. A man sat at the head of the table. He had an evil look about him with black hair going just below his ears. He wore black robes with a red outline around the chest. The other people were dressed differently. A little girl wearing a pure black school girl outfit with a red tie, a man wearing a black trench coat, dark jeans and a dark shirt, another man was wearing old French royal man’s clothes with an old French hat. Both those men had swords strapped to their belts. The man with the trench coat however had two Japanese katana where the French man had a cutlass.

The doors opened as a man walked in and spoke. “Lord Baalzaphont we’ve found him! The one with the Golden Blood! We’ve found him!” His voice was filled with excitement and longing. An evil smile spread across the man at the head of the tables face. “Where is he Jack?” He asked. His voice was cold and filled with evil. The man who spoke fist walked to the end of the table a huge insane looking smile on his face. His fangs were long and sharp. “The boy is in the village Amity Hills.”

Baalzaphont stood and looked toward the man in the trench coat. “Vincent I want you and Duke to go to Amity Hills and bring the boy to me, Bring Jack and Noel.” The man whose name was apparently Vincent looked at the French man and scowled. “I do not need help. I can do it on my own. Lord Baalzaphont you know I can do this alone. Why send four of us to retrieve one human?” He emphasized human as though they were inferior to him.

The French man who was called Duke laughed. “Vincent you are the youngest of us yet you expect us to allow you to do something this important on your own? You are luck lord Baalzaphont is kind enough to even allow you to come with us.” The little girl, who had been silent until this, stood up and looked at Duke then at Vincent. “You both should shut up and listen to lord Baalzaphont he gave you both this task because he believes that you both are the ones who are right for the job so stop trying to defy him!” She said in a cute and innocent way that also sounded annoyed.

Vincent looked at her with an annoyed look. ”I wasn’t trying to defy him Lilith I was simply asking why I can’t do this on my own seeing as I have done harder things than this.” Baalzaphont smiled showing his fangs. “Any other time I would let you go alone but since it is the Golden Blood child I will not. He could release his true power and I wouldn’t want to lose someone as skilled as you. Now go tell Noel that you will be leaving as soon as you are all ready.” Vincent nodded and left the room.


Vincent didn’t like Duke or Lilith or any of the other Vampires for that matter. They were all to blood thirsty for his liking. Except for Noel who was Nusferatu’s daughter. Noel was more like Vincent. She didn’t enjoy killing humans and tried to avoid it over all. Vincent walked into Noels room. The girl looked at him and smiled. “Hey Vincent. What do you need?” Vincent wasn’t as friendly and got straight to the point. “We’ve found the Golden Blood child. Baalzaphont wants Duke and I to take you and Jack to Amity Hills to retrieve him.” He said still in the door way. “We leave as soon as everyone is ready. I’ll wait out here for you.” He left the room after saying this.

Vincent didn’t exactly like to kill. Duke was right when he said he was the youngest. He was the last to turn. Noel was only younger from birth. Vincent on the other hand can vaguely remember being human. He remembered his parent although they weren’t around for long. He also remembered a sister. Although all of it was blurry. He more just remembered they were and didn’t know what they looked like or even their names.

Noel walked out of her room and again smiled at Vincent. “I’m ready. Where do we go to wait for Duke and Jack?” She asked happily. Vincent started to walk and Noel followed. He looked at her with the same serious look he always gave her. “We go to the stables to get Jack. He will probably be drinking as usual. Then we wait for Duke by the gates.”

They could smell the stench of death over twenty feet away from the entrance to the stables. “Jack hasn’t cleaned that out in a while has he?” Noel asked covering her nose and gaging at the smell of the rotting horses and things she wasn’t even sure were ever alive. Vincent looked at her and stopped. “Jack is an addict. He doesn’t care if the place smells like hell as long as he gets the blood. Which means there will probably be rotten things from months ago. If you don’t want to go out feel free to stay out. Noel smiled at him again. “Thank you for your concern but I’ll go in.

As they walked in the stable they saw what looked like a half-eaten goat and several half-eaten horses. In front of the goat Jack knelt with his head to the goat eating the remains of its flesh and blood. Vincent walked up to him. “Jack it’s time to go. We can’t wait for you to finish Lord Baalzaphont wants us to leave now. We need to go to the gates and wait for Duke.” Jack lifted his head as he was disturbed from his meal. He stood up and turned around and looked from Vincent to Noel and wiped the blood from his mouth. Very well then lead the way.” He said as with blood dripping from his mouth and raw meat in his teeth.

They walked to the gate and got there before Duke. Noel looked at Vincent and then at Jack. “Why does Baalzaphont want to send us to bring the kid back to him instead of going himself and drinking his blood on site?” Jack laughed as she finished saying this but stayed quiet. Vincent looked at Jack then ant Noel. “He want us to do it in case he isn’t the one or in case there are complications.

Noel looked at him not exactly understanding what he meant. “What do you mean by complications?” As she said this Duke walked up. “He means if the villagers decide to fight us. He wouldn’t want to destroy the people on his own. And now it is time to go.” With that he left with the others following.




[center]***[/center]


In the grave yard of Amity Hills a guy stood over two grave stones. The guy wore dark jeans and a white shirt. His hair was black and went to his shoulders. “There you are.” Said a guy walking towards him. This guy wore dark jeans and a black t shirt. He also is wearing glasses. His hair was brown and spiky like.

The guy turned to see his friend Necros walking up to him. “Caiden it’s getting late you should get home soon.” Caiden gave a small smile and walked over to Necros. “Right let’s go then. I still have a little work I need to finish at the church do you think you could help?” Necros laughed and put his hand on Caiden’s shoulder. “Yeah man of course I’ll help.” He said as they walked toward the village.


Please critisize my mastaks. This is my first none school writing so I hope you all like it

[Katoki]

bump

[Vairocana]

[spoiler=]The room of the old castle was dark[b],[/b] and to someone who had been watching the room[b],[/b] it would be clear that it was night[b](1. how does watching a room tell someone it is night. 2. just...say it's night.)[/b]. A long table lay in the middle of the room with [s]varies[/s][b]a variety of[/b] people scattered across it in chairs. A man sat at the head of the table[b],[/b] [s]H[/s][b]h[/b]e had an evil look about him with black hair going just below his ears[b](think about what makes people look evil or suspicious. Don't just say he's evil, that's boring. Say he has a cruel cast to his face, or a sadistic grin. Something.)[/b]. He wore black robes with a red outline around the chest[b](try to avoid stopping in the middle of scenes to describe people in full. Integrate the description with dialogue and action, to allow the story to flow)[/b]. The other people were dressed differently. A little girl wearing a pure black school girl outfit with a red tie, a man wearing a black trench coat, dark jeans and a dark shirt, another man was wearing old French royal man’s clothes with an old French hat. Both those men had swords strapped to their belts[b](this kind of description is lazy. Actually describe what they look like, don't give me generic things like "school girl outfit" or "french royal man (which I'm not even sure what that looks like))[/b]. The man with the trench coat however had two [s]Japanese[/s] [b](Katanas, by default of being katanas, are Japanese. Saying "Japanese katana" is like saying "four legged dog") [/b]katana[b]s[/b] where the French man had a cutlass.

The doors opened as a man walked in and spoke[b],[/b] “Lord Baalzaphont we’ve found him! The one with the Golden Blood! We’ve found him!” His voice was filled with excitement and longing. An evil smile spread across the man at the head of the table[s]s face[/s].
[b](You always start a new line of dialogue on a new line)[/b]
“Where is he Jack?” He asked. His voice was cold and filled with evil. The man who spoke fist walked to the end of the table[b],[/b] a huge insane [s]looking[/s] smile on his face. His fangs were long and sharp. “The boy is in the village[b],[/b] Amity Hills.”

Baalzaphont stood and looked toward the man in the trench coat. “Vincent I want you and Duke to go to Amity Hills and bring the boy to me, Bring Jack and Noel.” [s]The man whose name was apparently[/s] Vincent looked at the French man and scowled. “I do not need help. [s]I can do it on my own[/s][b](If he doesn't need help, that implies that he can do it on his own. Avoid redundancy.)[/b]. Lord Baalzaphont you know I can do this alone. Why send four of us to retrieve one human?” He emphasized human as though they were inferior to him.

The French man who was called Duke laughed. “Vincent you are the youngest of us[b],[/b] yet you expect us to allow you to do something this important on your own? You are luck[b]y[/b] lord Baalzaphont is kind enough to even allow you to come with us.” The little girl, who had been silent until this, stood up and looked at Duke then at Vincent. “You both should shut up and listen to lord Baalzaphont[b].[/b] [b]H[/b]e gave you both this task because he believes that you both are the ones who are right for the job[b],[/b] so stop trying to defy him!” [s]She said in a cute and innocent way that also sounded annoyed.[/s]

Vincent looked at her [s]with an annoyed look[/s][b], annoyed[/b]. ”I wasn’t trying to defy him Lilith[b],[/b] I was simply asking why I can’t do this on my own[b],[/b] seeing as I have done harder things than this.”

Baalzaphont smiled showing his fangs. “Any other time I would let you go alone[b],[/b] but since it is the Golden Blood child I will not. He could release his true power and I wouldn’t want to lose someone as skilled as you. Now go tell Noel that you will be leaving as soon as you are all ready.” Vincent nodded and left the room.


Vincent didn’t like Duke or Lilith or any of the other Vampires for that matter. They were all to[b]o[/b] blood thirsty for his liking. Except for Noel[b],[/b] who was Nusferatu’s daughter. Noel was more like Vincent. She didn’t enjoy killing humans and tried to avoid it over all. Vincent walked into Noel[b]'[/b]s room. The girl looked at him and smiled. “Hey Vincent. What do you need?”

Vincent wasn’t as friendly and got straight to the point. “We’ve found the Golden Blood child. Baalzaphont wants Duke and I to take you and Jack to Amity Hills to retrieve him[b],[/b]” [b]h[/b]e said[b],[/b] still in the door way. “We leave as soon as everyone is ready. I’ll wait out here for you.” He left the room [s]after saying this.[/s]

[s]Vincent didn’t exactly like to kill[/s][b](you already told us this)[/b]. Duke was right when he said he was the youngest[b],[/b] [b]h[/b]e was the last to turn. Noel was only younger from birth. Vincent[b],[/b] on the other hand[b],[/b] c[b]ould[/b] vaguely remember being human. He remembered his parent[b]s,[/b] although they weren’t around for long. He also remembered a sister[b],[/b] [b]a[/b]lthough all of it was blurry. He more just remembered they were[b],[/b] [s]and didn’t know[/s] [b]not [/b]what they looked like[b],[/b] or even their names.

Noel walked out of her room and again smiled at Vincent.

“I’m ready. Where do we go to wait for Duke and Jack?” She asked happily. Vincent started to walk and Noel followed. He looked at her with the same serious look he always gave her. “We go to the stables to get Jack. He will probably be drinking as usual. Then we wait for Duke by the gates.”

They could smell the stench of death over twenty feet away from the entrance to the stables.

“Jack hasn’t cleaned that out in a while has he?” Noel asked covering her nose and ga[b]g[/b]ging at the smell of the rotting horses and things she wasn’t [s]even[/s] sure were ever alive. Vincent looked at her and stopped.

“Jack is an addict. He doesn’t care if the place smells like hell as long as he gets the blood. [s]Which means there will probably be rotten things from months ago[/s]. If you don’t want to go [s]out[/s] feel free to stay out.

Noel smiled at him again. “Thank you for your concern[b],[/b] but I’ll go in.

As they walked in the stable they saw what looked like a half-eaten goat and several half-eaten horses.[s] In front of the goat [/s]Jack knelt with his head to the goat eating the remains of its flesh and blood.

Vincent walked up to him. “Jack it’s time to go. We can’t wait for you to finish[b],[/b] Lord Baalzaphont wants us to leave now. We need to go to the gates and wait for Duke.” Jack lifted his head as he was disturbed from his meal. He stood up and turned around and looked from Vincent to Noel and wiped the blood from his mouth.

Very well then lead the way[b],[/b]” [b]h[/b]e said [s]as[/s] with blood dripping from his mouth and raw meat in his teeth.

[s]They walked to the gate and got there before Duke[/s][b]They reached the gate before Duke[/b]. Noel looked at Vincent and then at Jack.

“Why does Baalzaphont want to send us to bring the kid back to him instead of going himself and drinking his blood on site?” Jack laughed [s]as she finished saying this[/s] but [s]stayed quiet[/s][b]did not reply[/b]. Vincent looked at Jack then a[s]n[/s]t Noel [b](ok, come up with something for them to do that isn't looking at one person and then the other person. It's getting really reptititive and annoying)[/b]. “He want[b]s[/b] us to do it in case he isn’t the one[b],[/b] or in case there are complications.

Noel looked at him[b],[/b] not exactly understanding [s]what he meant[/s]. “What do you mean by complications?”

[s]As she said this Duke walked up[/s]. “He means if the villagers decide to fight us. He wouldn’t want to destroy the people on his own. And now it is time to go[b],[/b]”[b] said the Duke, walking up behind them.[/b] With that he left with the others following.




***


In the graveyard of Amity Hills[b],[/b] a guy[b](uhg. no. A boy, youth, man. Not a "guy.")[/b] stood over two gravestones. The guy wore dark jeans and a white shirt. His hair was black and went to his shoulders.

“There you are[b],[/b]” [b]s[/b]aid a guy[b](NO)[/b] walking towards him. This guy wore dark jeans and a black t shirt. He also [b]wore[/b][b](Keep tenses consistent)[/b] glasses. His hair was brown and spiky [s]like[/s].

The guy turned to see his friend Necros walking up to him[b](because they are both "guys," I actually have no idea who is seeing Necros right now, or who Necros is.)[/b].

“Caiden[b],[/b] it’s getting late[b],[/b] you should get home soon.” Caiden gave a small smile and walked over to Necros.

“Right[b],[/b] let’s go then. I still have a little work I need to finish at the church[b],[/b] do you think you could help?” Necros laughed and put his hand on Caiden’s shoulder.

“Yeah man of course I’ll help.” He said as they walked toward the village.[/spoiler]

[b]Work on your descriptors. Make each character feel distinct.[/b]