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Demonic Heritage [PG-13/Teen+] {Chptr 1/??}

Demon fantasy magic gore battle quest awesom

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#1
Twyknight

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Forewarning, this tale includes gore and deaths will be excluding neither children or women. All is at the ravenous aggression of my keyboard only limited by my dimented imagination. It is a heroic story of a young man and his epic quest.
Watch out: I may edit each chapter multiple times, either fixing small details or typos, or rarely adding more content to the current posts.

TIPS/PLOT SUGGESTIONS: Suggestions and tips are accepted as is all criticism. If you have any plot ideas you would like to see implemented into the story I am all for checking it out, you can post it here or message me. However, if you post here you must leave comments toward the current chapters.

BTW, this is very lengthy content!

Enjoy! :) And PLEASE leave comments.

A lil' Insight: Prologue


Mother's Love: Introduction - Edited Version

Disciple's Discipline

Dogma of Reign

My Rating System


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#2
Vairocana

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In a night cold and damp with the exhaustion of pitty(pity? also, a fragment.). Thunder roars and lighting strikes the earth as the sky crys(cries) for mercy. The moon and stars hide behind dark clouds, torchs(torches) light the temple's muddy grounds. Holy men in robes and hoods gather around a woman tathered(tethered?) to a large wooden poll(pole) based with soaked fire wood.(what?)

"Arora Rummur, you are here by(hereby) sentenced to death by incineration." Says a man who's face is draped by his fine silk hood, his speech is only noticed by the vertice movement of his short grey beard(imo this sentence gets too flowery for what it's conveying. Distracts and detracts). "On behalf of treason(on behalf of treason doesn't make sense) to the Highborn, by defileing yourself with a Foulborn."

"What say you in your defense, against obvious and apparant evidence.?" Says another man standing west of the woman.

The woman's face is draped by her wet hair, rain drops(raindrops) bead down her cheeks joining her gown doused in fuel. Her breath is rapid with panic(show, don't tell) but she doesn't stuggle against her restaint.(restraint)

"I fell in love..." Her voice holds a sad tone, as tears flow down her face but with out(without) notice as it blends into the rain.(IF IT IS WITHOUT NOTICE, HOW ARE WE NOTICING IT?)

"This is treachery, a crime and--" Begins the grey bearded man.

Arora interupts "Crime?" Her voice carries more authority for her defense(show, don't tell). "Love as a crime? We can not(cannot) choose who appeals to us, I fell in love, I did not care for what they are but only who they were, to me!" She says defending the name of her demonic lover.(show, don't tell, also, repeating yourself)

"With a demon, love -IS- illiterate!!(love....cannot read?)" Yells the grey bearded man who shoots his intimidating glare upwards meeting Arora's desperate eyes peering through the gaps of her soaked brown hair. "Just face it, he used you, manipulated you and tossed you aside like a rotten apple.(be consistent with tone. He sounds much more colloquial here than he did earlier)"

"NO!" She trys(tries) to block the images of treachery that had led her to this predicament.

"Then if what you say is true, then(repeat) why did your,(unneeded comma) so called(so-called) lover abandon you to face your death alone(redundant-if she is abandoned, she is alone)?" Responds another man standing east of Arora with an aggresive tone(aggressively), speaking loadly to over voice the rain(over voice the rain?).

"Because I... asked him to." Arora softly announces with obvious emotions.(SHOW DO NOT TELL)

"So be it, you will answer for your crimes and will redeem your self(yourself) in the next dawn, in a new life." The bearded man declares as his gaze slowly studies down(studies down makes no sense) Arora as it returns toward the ground.(I don't know what this means either. Also, keep your point of view consistent. Are we with Auroa or are with with Graybeard?)

The rain pours harder as the trial comes to it's innevitable end. Younger men and women stand under the temple siding just west of the trial grounds. Disciples are summoned to study the scenario as it developes(develops) (also, this doesn't make sense). Lightning flashes across the horrizon, then thunder echos moderately across the mountain.(moderately? If you've got thunder and lightening, I'm assuming you want it to be dramatic. Moderate is not what you want your thunder to be doing)

"And?" Arora hints at her status.(no.)

"And what?" The bearded man says, only acting confused.(Why is he pretending to be confused? So the author can give us exposition? That's terrible motivation! And keep the POV consistent!)

"And what of my un-born child? What are it's(its) crimes?" Arora, eight months pregnant.(1. show, don't tell. 2. says Arora)

"The child is of evil seed, conceived in sin! We must destroy what evil it is(we must destroy it)!" The man says cruely.

"But it is innocent, it did not commit a sin(redundant), and it is your creed to protect the innocent! If you destroy the foul(what) of my child you destroy the innocence of my child! You will commit dementia(is english your first language?) against the Highborn?" Arora stands firm to the subject to save her un-born child.(You've already shown us this, you do not need to tell us this again)



I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. Is English your first language? Because this is riddled with more than just bad spelling. Some of these words just outright make no sense. Before you submit something for other people to critique, it's common courtesy to run through and do a self edit once. At the very least run it through spellcheck. I'm just going to assume the rest of it has the same issues as what I've found so far:
-Keep a consistent POV
-Show, don't tell
-Spelling

#3
Twyknight

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In a night cold and damp with the exhaustion of pitty(pity? also, a fragment.). Thunder roars and lighting strikes the earth as the sky crys(cries) for mercy. The moon and stars hide behind dark clouds, torchs(torches) light the temple's muddy grounds. Holy men in robes and hoods gather around a woman tathered(tethered?) to a large wooden poll(pole) based with soaked fire wood.(what?)

"Arora Rummur, you are here by(hereby) sentenced to death by incineration." Says a man who's face is draped by his fine silk hood, his speech is only noticed by the vertice movement of his short grey beard(imo this sentence gets too flowery for what it's conveying. Distracts and detracts). "On behalf of treason(on behalf of treason doesn't make sense) to the Highborn, by defileing yourself with a Foulborn."

"What say you in your defense, against obvious and apparant evidence.?" Says another man standing west of the woman.

The woman's face is draped by her wet hair, rain drops(raindrops) bead down her cheeks joining her gown doused in fuel. Her breath is rapid with panic(show, don't tell) but she doesn't stuggle against her restaint.(restraint)

"I fell in love..." Her voice holds a sad tone, as tears flow down her face but with out(without) notice as it blends into the rain.(IF IT IS WITHOUT NOTICE, HOW ARE WE NOTICING IT?)

"This is treachery, a crime and--" Begins the grey bearded man.

Arora interupts "Crime?" Her voice carries more authority for her defense(show, don't tell). "Love as a crime? We can not(cannot) choose who appeals to us, I fell in love, I did not care for what they are but only who they were, to me!" She says defending the name of her demonic lover.(show, don't tell, also, repeating yourself)

"With a demon, love -IS- illiterate!!(love....cannot read?)" Yells the grey bearded man who shoots his intimidating glare upwards meeting Arora's desperate eyes peering through the gaps of her soaked brown hair. "Just face it, he used you, manipulated you and tossed you aside like a rotten apple.(be consistent with tone. He sounds much more colloquial here than he did earlier)"

"NO!" She trys(tries) to block the images of treachery that had led her to this predicament.

"Then if what you say is true, then(repeat) why did your,(unneeded comma) so called(so-called) lover abandon you to face your death alone(redundant-if she is abandoned, she is alone)?" Responds another man standing east of Arora with an aggresive tone(aggressively), speaking loadly to over voice the rain(over voice the rain?).

"Because I... asked him to." Arora softly announces with obvious emotions.(SHOW DO NOT TELL)

"So be it, you will answer for your crimes and will redeem your self(yourself) in the next dawn, in a new life." The bearded man declares as his gaze slowly studies down(studies down makes no sense) Arora as it returns toward the ground.(I don't know what this means either. Also, keep your point of view consistent. Are we with Auroa or are with with Graybeard?)

The rain pours harder as the trial comes to it's innevitable end. Younger men and women stand under the temple siding just west of the trial grounds. Disciples are summoned to study the scenario as it developes(develops) (also, this doesn't make sense). Lightning flashes across the horrizon, then thunder echos moderately across the mountain.(moderately? If you've got thunder and lightening, I'm assuming you want it to be dramatic. Moderate is not what you want your thunder to be doing)

"And?" Arora hints at her status.(no.)

"And what?" The bearded man says, only acting confused.(Why is he pretending to be confused? So the author can give us exposition? That's terrible motivation! And keep the POV consistent!)

"And what of my un-born child? What are it's(its) crimes?" Arora, eight months pregnant.(1. show, don't tell. 2. says Arora)

"The child is of evil seed, conceived in sin! We must destroy what evil it is(we must destroy it)!" The man says cruely.

"But it is innocent, it did not commit a sin(redundant), and it is your creed to protect the innocent! If you destroy the foul(what) of my child you destroy the innocence of my child! You will commit dementia(is english your first language?) against the Highborn?" Arora stands firm to the subject to save her un-born child.(You've already shown us this, you do not need to tell us this again)



I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. Is English your first language? Because this is riddled with more than just bad spelling. Some of these words just outright make no sense. Before you submit something for other people to critique, it's common courtesy to run through and do a self edit once. At the very least run it through spellcheck. I'm just going to assume the rest of it has the same issues as what I've found so far:
-Keep a consistent POV
-Show, don't tell
-Spelling


Hmmm, I actually noticed alot of this while I was writing it. Except for mis-spelling, I don't have microsoft word yet so it is up to me to find the typos. Also, I like to personify alot; hence the "over voice the rain" and use metaphors and similes. And I suppose I am being a bit redundant, of which is what I noticed. Also, the part about the tears being without notice, do think saying "to the others" would help or somthing like that. Because if you do not say that it is happening, then it is not, so it is added effect. Like in a movie if the camera view shows a man taking a knife out of his back pocket, making the rest of the actors oblivious to this, but the audience will know and cause suspense.
Got to admit got a good point on that last one.
Also, you've got to understand that this is a fantasy, so things like foul and what not is like saying orc, or elf, etc.
illiterate- displaying a marked lack of knowledge in a particular field: He is musically illiterate.

I get what you mean by show don't tell... That is a good rule to have :)

Thank you for the tips, will help with my future posts, and this one. I will take it down and edit it again, this time I'll change the whole thing up lol. I was really tired when I wrote it too so... lol
:)
Dogma of Reign

My Rating System


Posted Image Help, Eggbert Hatch, or he will DIE!!!

#4
Vairocana

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"over voice the rain" still makes no sense. I know what personification is. It still makes no sense.

Well, pulling out a knife is certianly dramatic. Tears, a little less so. It comes back to whose point of view we're with in this chapter. Something like "tears rolled down her face, indistinguishable from the rain above" makes sense and conveys what you want it to.

I know this is fantasy. I read a lot of it. I occaisionally write some of it too. "the foul of my child" is a problem because A) "foul" is a real word, B ) you give no indication that "foul" is being used here as a special term, C) it still would barely make sense. I will reproduce the sentence, replacing "the foul" with "evil" (because given the context, I think that's basically what you were going for) :

"If you destroy the evil of my child, you destroy the innocence of my child!"

In the above sentence, I basically get what you want to say, but the actual sentence is still very awkward and difficult to handle.

As for illiterate: "With him, love IS displaying a marked lack of knowledge in a particular field!"
Still doesn't make sense.

Also, you can download a program called openoffice for free, which is basically MS word. Or you can just paste your story into a blogger post or something, and your browser should run a spellcheck for you (for whatever godawful reason, YCM doesn't proc the spellcheck).

#5
Twyknight

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Okay, thanks! You helped me alot, I'm not one to make the same mistakes twice. So I shouldn't have a problem re-writing it now. BTW "tears rolled down her face, indistinguishable from the rain above" Thats much better, I couldn't really think of another way to put it. I'll put more time into this time.
Dogma of Reign

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Posted Image Help, Eggbert Hatch, or he will DIE!!!



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