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Hidden Blade of Saratoga (00/XX) [Harsh Violence Warning]


R.Surraco

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Hidden Blade of Saratoga
(サラトガの隠された刃/Saratoga no kakusareta ha)


Episode 00(prologue): 2 tales & 1 ghost (二階建てと幽霊/Nikaidate to yuurei)

Tokyo, Japan. Land of the new and the ancient. Place of many stories... like this one.

Mitsuru Kanna is 15 years old, short, left-handed, kinda ugly... and he hates you. He despises you. Simply he can't even breathe the same air than you. Don't blame yourself; you have done nothing to deserve it. It's just him, unable to feel anything else for you than hate. His family's respectful and united, but he doesn't care. His life in the school is relatively quiet, but he doesn't care. He just hates people. No by fear, he just can't stand the life of those around him. He can taste your joy, your courage, your sadness... all that's disgusting for him. Except fear and death, of course. He loves them. It tastes like apples for him and he loves apples. But he won't kill you... yet.

He doesn't think about it since he met Aoshi Minamino, the "Minaminator". A simple kendoist that saw how Mitsuru killed a warthog by slamming it with a bike and decided he was going to be his best (and only) friend. Aoshi thinks "Zai-chan", although violent, is a good pal. Mitsuru is convinced he fell in love with Aoshi, but tries to not show it. He thinks the whole thing's stupid, and tastes like rancid candies. Well, he thinks that's not so much of a bad taste, anyway...

Mitsuru is the typical Japanese student: painstaking, focused and looking forward a career according to his skills. He's smart, but tries to not show off. The only thing he could hate more than other people's feelings is fame. He thinks fame's stupid and senseless. His plans are get into college, get his title and get out. Everything else is secondary and useless. His father wants him to learn the kendo style his family had been using for ages, but he doesn't care a s***. He knows how to fence and developed his own style, "Reverse Air Fencing”, which confuses other sword users by swinging in the opposite way. He thinks being left-handed actually made him better.

Aoshi, by the other hand, just wants to be popular. That's why he's in the school's kendo team. For that and because "Granny" had been getting some discipline on him. Sure, no discipline will make him less ”ladies' flop", but he's fine as long as he keep trying to beat Asunaga... yeah, Asunaga. Hiroshi Asunaga, kendo team captain and one of the smartest guys in Odaiba High School, probably just behind Mitsuru. Aoshi just thinks on beat him and take his place as the most popular guy in the school.

Changing subjects, let’s see the recently opened Coliseum of Heroes on Sumida Park. Every hero of the country has a statue surrounding the small lake in the park: Saigô Takamori, the last samurai and the leader of the Satsuma Rebellion; Tateki Tani, the first general that opposed resistance to said rebellion; Tokugawa Ieyasu, the first leader of the legendary Tokugawa Clan; even MC Perry, the gaijin general that opened Japan to the world. Everybody had a place in there. One of them had a very special place, however. In the little island, in the middle of the lake, surrounded by the other statues, is the bust of that gaijin that gave his life for his beliefs.

The last battle of the Satsuma Rebellion, where Takamori and his troops, supported by the power of the Tenkinum metal, had a great advantage. Tenkinum is the hardest metal in the world and the biggest deposit was found in Satsuma, the land under Takamori's command. However, the Japanese Imperial Army had a backup. A great, mighty backup. Captain Andrew Johannes Saratoga. A simple captain, just about 30 years old. He fought some battles and he wasn't the ultimate warrior, but was one of the most determined. A simple man with the wish that all the countries could finally shake their hands in peace. A simple man... except for his "Hidden Blade". A very big blade.

The Saratoga Claymore, forged by a Scottish blacksmith several years before Saratoga even had age to be recruited. Forged from a meteor that, according to several scientists, could have been the origin of the Tenkinum. This metal, called Albareulium is virtually indestructible once it's solidified. This metal forms the sword. A very rare sword, because it possesses a raw energy nothing can match. This energy not only allows it to change from a small baton to a large 5 ft claymore, but also grants its user incredible powers. However, it only responds to one person. Saratoga.

Saratoga was destined to have that sword and he knew the moment to use it had come. He also knew that would also be his last day. Takamori and Saratoga both armed with their swords. Takamori with his Teimeiken saber, capable to slash air with a simple swipe. Saratoga and his namesake claymore, capable of absorb any kind of energy. Both warriors fight... without stop... without rest... without mercy... Finally, Takamori manages to stab his rival with his saber... only to get beheaded by the claymore. With his last breath, Saratoga entrusts the claymore to his friend, Japanese Imperial Army Field Marshal Prince Aritomo Yamagata, and asks him to take care of it, as another warrior will take his place in the future.

Over a century passed and nobody knows the actual whereabouts of the Saratoga Claymore... or rather nobody wants to tell. Deep in the Coliseum of Heroes, in a hidden cave, lays a golden equestrian statue of Capt. Saratoga. Next to it, there's a stone with a legend in Latin. TOLERANTIA ET SOCIETATEM SUNT PONTES QUOD CONIUNGERE MUNDI. "Tolerance and fellowship are the bridges that bind the world together" A motto legendarily attributed to Capt. Saratoga, but it also is engraved on his claymore. Inside the stone, something is pulsing.

The scene is observed by a spirit. A ghost wearing clothes from the army. A post-Civil War, U.S. Army Captain uniform, more precisely. The captain looks about 30 and has a big stain in the chest of his uniform, like if it were blood. He looks the rock closely... then smiles and looks at the ceiling of the cave. "Finally", he thinks, "the final battle is coming closer..." Fog gathers around him and he can see in it images of a young boy, kind of small in height. In the kid's hand he can see a sword... a big sword... his claymore. The ghost captain smirks. "Yes...", he looks at the ceiling again, then he murmurs, "Saratoga no ... jikan da..."

[spoiler=Author s Notes']The series plays with the usual Chosen One scenario, with the question "What if the real greatest evil in the world... were the Chosen One?"

I simply made an evil hero (Mass Murderer-level evil) to put against some self-righteous villains. Why? Because the Saratoga needs hate in titanic proportions and he has that and more. That's why the warning, fellows. The guy's not good at all.

The logo was made by me on MS Paint.

More coming soon.

Next Chapter(01): Two Rabbits in a Train

[/spoiler]

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Grr, this is fantastic! > : (

I mean it. The idea is great, the execution is great, your style is unique, like I wish mine was, and the only fault I can see are a couple of grammar errors.
If you can deliver on this, and I think you can, this has the potential to kick major a**. I'm not your fanboy... I think your writing is just that good.

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  • 10 months later...

Grr, this is fantastic! > : (

I mean it. The idea is great, the execution is great, your style is unique, like I wish mine was, and the only fault I can see are a couple of grammar errors.
If you can deliver on this, and I think you can, this has the potential to kick major a**. I'm not your fanboy... I think your writing is just that good.


Thanks. I have to rework all my stuff as my orignal writings and so got deleted in a harsh shot.
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Since the fanfiction section as of late has been moving like molasses, I’ll take some time to sit down and critique this.

But first, my verdict. Having to sum my thoughts up in one sentence, I’d say… bland. The main problem is that you abuse the passive tense. The entirety of what could be a tense battle scene is instead done like a book report.

Both warriors fight... without stop... without rest... without mercy... Finally, Takamori manages to stab his rival with his saber... only to get beheaded by the claymore. With his last breath, Saratoga entrusts the claymore to his friend, Japanese Imperial Army Field Marshal Prince Aritomo Yamagata, and asks him to take care of it, as another warrior will take his place in the future.


Let me try writing the first part of the second sentence.
 

Breathing deeply, he stabs the saber into his rival’s chest.


That line, to me, is more suspenseful and exciting then just saying “oh, he stabbed someone and got his head cut off.” Use active verbs – instead of saying “he was ___ed,” try “she ____ed him.” Much better. Additionally, don’t use Japanese words unless you are fluent in the language. (Which you aren’t, as you translated the title wrong.)

As for the plot itself, it’s boring. You’re telling me all these things about the characters but you’re not showing why they act they as such. Show, don’t tell. (Doesn’t that sound familiar?) There’s an incredibly amount of exposition that I as a reader don’t need to know right away – how the sword works, what it is made out of, etc, can all be taken care of later when it’s actually relevant to the plot. Right now, it just reads as filler.

Overall, I’m unimpressed. This has potential, but right now there’s nothing that interests me in reading further.
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Having to sum my thoughts up in one sentence, I’d say… bland. The main problem is that you abuse the passive tense. The entirety of what could be a tense battle scene is instead done is instead entirely.

Use active verbs – instead of saying “he was ___ed,” try “she ____ed him.” Much better. Additionally, don’t use Japanese words unless you are fluent in the language. (Which you aren’t, as you translated the title wrong.)

As for the plot itself, it’s boring. You’re telling me all these things about the characters but you’re not showing why they act they as such. Show, don’t tell. (Doesn’t that sound familiar?) There’s an incredibly amount of exposition that I as a reader don’t need to know right away – how the sword works, what it is made out of, etc, can all be taken care of later when it’s actually relevant to the plot. Right now, it just reads as filler.

Overall, I’m unimpressed. This has potential, but right now there’s nothing that interests me in reading further.


Well, you got a lot of points about the story blandness, and you got them right. That said, this episode is an Obvious Beta and a spoiler. In fact, this is not even a prologue, it's just a test drive.

About the characters themselves, some of the plot points, including motivations, were changed since i wrote this "prologue" (for example, one of said characters got a change beyond attitude and an extra, almost secondary character, got promoted to main character). Also, the real story changed a bit, which also includes how the main character get's the title device. Wanna see a glimpse of the real deal?

[spoiler='Chp01: Bunnies in a Train - Mitsuru witnesses Takamori's and Saratoga's End... or not?']
Mitsuru opens his eyes after the blinding flash. He finds himself in a field, while still grasping the weird looking baton he got from that rock. It seems to be morning, but the dust barely allows him to see the sun. "Okay... What's this crap?", says Mitsuru, before noticing an arrow directed to his head. He dodges it, but it feels unusual. "Damn, I never felt it coming. It was like a-." He gets cut short by a cannon ball that flies right into his face. The ball passes through his face without harming him. Something dawns him immediately. "This is an illusion... or maybe something else." Mitsuru then follows the sound of swords clashing in the distance, with the baton still firmly held by his hand.

There, Mitsuru finds out a scene that not he had read several times, but he's seeing it right now in live, or something like that: A blond American man, clad in an old army uniform from the 19th century and wielding a broadsword as long as Mitsuru is tall, facing a Japanese man clad in a metallic and heavy-looking samurai armor and wielding a saber that seems to have several holes in the blade. Both people seem battle worn, specially the American. The samurai slashes with his sword, sending a gust of air to the American, who just slashes it with his broadsword and dissipates it.

"Well, Takamori... it seems we're ready the grand finale.", says the American, panting hard.
The samurai, Takamori, nods in reply. "Today is the day where one of us shall rise... and one shall fall." states, pointing his sword at his opponent. "And I don't intend on leave the mortal plane without a fight with all my spirit, Saratoga-san."
Mitsuru shakes himself from his thoughts and looks around, finding other people fighting around and he gets an idea... "I can't believe I'm here... The scene of Takamori's demise..." thinks out lout, then looks at the American soldier. "Which means the pretty boy over there is Captain Andrew Saratoga and that giant ass sword is the Saratoga Claymore... Neat scene.
The American, Saratoga, smiles. "That...", he replies gripping his sword tight, "... is just what I expect you do here, Takamori." He then swaps his sword to the left hand and grabbing his sword in a back handed style, which shocks Mitsuru greatly.
"G-G-Gyakufuu Kenpou?" mutters Mitsuru, barely able to contain the shock. "But... how?..."

Suddenly, a lightning falls nearby, obscuring the view of both fighters. When the view clears, he finds an image that makes him sweat cold. Saratoga was replaced by Mitsuru, who wears his uniform in a battle worn fashion as well as Saratoga's broadsword, while Takamori was replaced by another person in the uniform of the Odaiba Highschool, wielding Takamori's Boufuurinken. One he recognizes immediately.

"Asunaga?" states the young time-shifter, while two ghostly images form behind him, shocking him: One is Capt. Saratoga and the other one is Saigou Takamori. The ghosts are looking how the Mitsuru of the vision and the Claymore glow in a furious red while Asunaga and his sword glow in a cold blue.
"The time has come, envoy of Saratoga, for us to settle this old grudge between our factions. Are you ready to meet Enma-sama..." states Asunaga, pointing at his opponent with the sword. "... Zaichan?"
The real Mitsuru blinks at this. "Why's this nobody using that sword AND the nickname Aoshi gave me?"
"After you, m0thef*(!<er!" replies the illusion's Mitsuru, heading straight to clash with the incoming Asunaga. "Kousoku Banshi!" Both swords clash with a loud dust storm covering everything.

When it dies down, Mitsuru finds himself back in the cave, near Saratoga's equestrian statue. However, there were a couple of differences: First, the wall at the end was broke down, revealing another tunnel; second was the baton in Mitsuru's hands, which gained a familiar looking. It was now a 5 ft. long broadsword. The Flor-de-lis opened in half and became the guard, while the shaft itself extended to a foot long grip. From between the halves of the Flor-de-lis, a large and dark metallic straight blade was seen, engraved with the Latin words "TOLERANTIA ET SOCIETATEM SUNT PONTES QUOD CONIUNGERE MUNDI".

He immediately recognized it... "S-S-Sara... Saratoga Claymore?"
[/spoiler]

How about that?
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