D.A.'s Thread of Stories

[D.A._Sakuyamon]

Greetings this is D.A.

I'm not one that likes watching horror movies but I have no problem writing them. Of course I'm also a fan of super hero based stuff expect stories of that genera as well.

Critiques welcome so long as you don't come off hateful.

[b]Story #1[/b][spoiler=The Tale of Hands Man]Contains descriptive limb dismemberment that may not be suitable for younger viewers.
[spoiler=Rated PG 16+]

[indent=1][b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]The tale of hands man is not an easy one to stomach so if you throw up easily please do not continue at your own safety.[/background][/size][/font][/b][/indent]


[center][b][font=Arial][size=6][b][i][u][background=transparent]Hands Man[/background][/u][/i][/b][/size][/font][/b][/center]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]Hands man is a mutilating psychopath bent on paying back the laws that made him who he has become. He wasn’t always like this though. He was called by the name of Ted Yonk and was a nice silent man. [/background][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]One day while riding his bike to work, he was hit by a car. While he didn’t get injured enough to need to goto the hospital, he along with the one that hit him had to alert the authorities. It would be this crucial point that would eventually drive him to his madness. For when he got there, he learned of a new law that had just passed. it was that whomever rode a bike and got hit by a car would have one of their hands cut off. Considering he lived in France this was indeed one very bizarre and cruel law. [/background][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]Being a man he was, he took this news as he would for anything else, a pleasant silence. He was taken to the station where they placed him in a new room that had been modified just for the reason of cutting hands off. He was the first to have been into this room for its purpose. They sat him down and tied his left hand to the table and the other behind his back. An officer picked up a brand new ax and tested its sharpness by slamming it into the table. It easily cut through without any trouble. She pulled it out and nodded at Ted.[/background][/size][/font][/b]


[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]Ted watched the axe, his body starting to quiver and the other officer gave him a quick hit to the back of the head. The officer laughed, clearly he was enjoying what was happening. The one holding the ax had a gleam of pity for Ted but the law was the law. The Ax was quickly brought down cutting Teds left hand. While he had been silent to this point the pain was like dipping one's self into lava. He screamed and started going into shock. Blood had splattered everywhere and was oozing out of the wound. He blacked out unclear if he would ever wake again.[/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]In the blackness he saw himself relive the events. Wondering why they turned out as they did. Why had such a law as that pass? Surely, no one in their right mind would pass such a thing. [/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]He awoke on a couch a dull throbbing pain coming from the end of his left arm. He moved it close to him to get a look at the stump. The wound had been sown up and cauterized. All of this had been apparently done while he was unconscious. then he noticed the room. He saw the table where he’d gotten his hand cut off. There was still blood dripping down from it. So he hadn’t left the room. Just then the two cops returned and told him that they cremated his hand. They explained that It was apart of the law. Then they escorted him to the the front door of the station and practically booted him out.[/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]Now Ted wasn’t in the best state of mind by this point and made a rather unpredictable course of action. He walked to a dock jumped in the water and started swimming in the Mediterranean Sea. A week later he turned up on the shore of Algeria. he walked along the coast until he hit a town. He had the pleasant face plastered across his face despite having a severed hand and a weeks worth of musty sea water smell. [/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]Many of the locals saw him and most ignored him till one man noticed his missing hand. He told his five buddies and walked up to him. They spoke but he couldn’t understand so he pointed to his ear and shook his head. One of them understood and started to speak english with a rough accent. He explained the “One Hand is No Hands” law. [/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]It was a law that had an obvious purpose. To have only one hand is in essence the lack of hands. As such anyone caught seen with one hand is to on the spot have their hand removed. While he didn’t show it on his face, Ted was starting to lose it. He tightened his hand into a fist and then loosened it, accepting his fate. He didn’t think they’d have any special area where they cut hands off so he just raised his hand.[/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]Four of the men held Ted steady while one watched with a malicious grin on his face. The last man looked around for something to use and found a rusty cleaver. The man didn’t test the clever and just came back. He handed it to the man with the malicious grin. [/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]A growing crowd of people had gathered to watch the site. Some came due to fear. Other came for the thrill. Yet still others came because there was simple nothing else to do. There had to have been at least 30 people gather. That wasn’t even counting the six men and Ted.[/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]Ted looked around at everyone, waiting for both the moment of pain that would come and the sense of loss that would forever follow him. At that moment the cleaver came down and cut through most of his wrist but it didn’t cut through all the way. Instinctively he tried to use his nonexistent other hand to hold his wrist but of course that wasn’t possible. His screams echoed off the buildings as the cleaver came down again.This time the cleaver cut clean through the wrist.[/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]The wrist now dangled off a bit of flesh that still connected to its arm. Blood sickly oozed out from the wound. The wielder of the cleaver dropped it and grabbed the nearly severed wrist. With one quick pull what remained of the wrists connection to the arm tore off. Laughing, he nodded to the holders and they released Ted. Everyone else began to laugh as well. Ted’s head slumped in defeat and was pushed into the ground. He laid there in pain letting out screams until numbness set in. The people that watched went away like a faded dream.[/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]Blackness set in once again but this time there’d be no help for him. In this place, it was clear. Law was nothing more then a excuse to achieve one's own twisted thoughts. No he couldn’t think like that. There had to be people that watched him that felt remorse. Yes perhaps they did but they still just watched. Not lending a finger to help and laughing along as if it were an event.[/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]An abrupt shock to the head woke him up. It was nighttime and a figure stood before him. He could barely make out the man and noticed something pointed at him. The figure yelled at him. based on the voice it must have been a man. Then it hit him, it was a man wielding something possibly sharp and yelling at him. It must be a thief, that’s when he lost it. Everything that had occurred before he lost his first hand was wiped clean from his memory.[/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]Though his body was almost drained of blood he got himself up and stared at the figure in the eyes. He didn’t have smile plastered across his face, not anymore. “Give me your hands!” he said. The man got angrier and raised the knife ready to stab Ted but Ted spoke again. “I said give me your hands.” The man stopped abruptly and was fixed on Teds eyes as if in a daze. “That’s right, cut your hand off and sew it onto me.” The thief brings down the knife cutting deep into his left hand. He dug in until the hand was severed from the rest of the arm. Minutes later the hand was sewn onto Teds left arm. All of the veins and bones had fused together properly. [/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]Ted was clearly no longer just a human being now. His insanity had unleashed a power that was far above any normal human. More minutes passed and now he had a new right hand, thanks to the thief......... [/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]The following afternoon back in the place Ted had his hand cut off he waited specifically for the six men. He saw them walk in their little group none the wiser. So he came up behind them and patted the nearest on the back. A smile played across his face as they turned around to look at them. “You know, that law that says if you only have one hand then you must it cut off on site? Well........” Pulling out a machete from behind his back he cut the nearest hand off. Before the men could react he was already cutting another's hand and another. Before, they knew it they all only had one hand now. “Well well, guess we got to put that law into effect now huh?”.........[/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]A week later, reports still kept coming in after six men had first their hands cut off and then their arms as well. That report had said that the man in question had taken those body parts with him. The latest reports told of a man with many arms going after what seemed like random victims. However, those that had survived the attack had noted that it was a man that had his hand cut off prior to the event. Witnesses also state that the man had hands during the attack on the first six men which concludes that somehow that man had gotten a hold of a pair of hands before hand. [/background][/size][/font][/b]

[b][font=Arial][size=4][background=transparent]A month later back in france. A report of a odd figure was seen near the scene of the crime by an eyewitness. The witness had pointed out that the person had worn a large trench coat and seemed oddly shaped. The victim of the crime was one of the officers who dealt with the new bike law. The victim's body was found without not only her hands but her legs as well. Scrawled in blood was a circle around a bloody hand print. When this evidence reached the media, they titled the article “The Hands Man”. [/background][/size][/font][/b]


[/spoiler][/spoiler]

[FTW (For The Wynn)]

Well, I promised a review, so now I will give one.

Like I said earlier, it's an interesting concept. However, overall, this story just kind of confused me. I understand that he was starting to delve into insanity because his hand was chopped off...but how in the world did he end up in Algeria? Where did this sudden group of people come from? Where did that crazy law come from?

See, imo, the story just kind of rambles on without any segue between paragraphs. It doesn't really flow well, it just kind of leaps here and there, thus making it hard to keep track of what is going on. I'll demonstrate what I mean on one of your paragraphs.

"[b][font=Arial][size=4]One day while riding his bike to work, he was hit by a car. While he didn’t get injured enough to need to goto the hospital, he along with the one that hit him had to alert the authorities. It would be this crucial point that would eventually drive him to his madness. For when he got there, he learned of a new law that had just passed. it was that whomever rode a bike and got hit by a car would have one of their hands cut off. Considering he lived in France this was indeed one very bizarre and cruel law.[/size][/font][/b]"

So, he's hit by a car while driving a bike, and he's saying he doesn't need to go to the hospital, so they aren't going to the hospital...until suddenly they are. And then suddenly the setting's mentioned to be in France. Of course, the law makes no sense, but it still makes no sense even at the end of the story.

Now, what I do like is Ted's transformation. He seems relatively normal at the beginning (aside from the fact that he can get hit by a car and be fine), and as these more and more odd (and often painful) events happen, he sinks slowly more and more into insanity. Perhaps a little cliche, but it's a good transformation.

[D.A._Sakuyamon]

[quote name='GodWynn' timestamp='1354490974' post='6083595']
Well, I promised a review, so now I will give one.

Like I said earlier, it's an interesting concept. However, overall, this story just kind of confused me. I understand that he was starting to delve into insanity because his hand was chopped off...but how in the world did he end up in Algeria? Where did this sudden group of people come from? Where did that crazy law come from?

See, imo, the story just kind of rambles on without any segue between paragraphs. It doesn't really flow well, it just kind of leaps here and there, thus making it hard to keep track of what is going on. I'll demonstrate what I mean on one of your paragraphs.

"[b][font=Arial]One day while riding his bike to work, he was hit by a car. While he didn’t get injured enough to need to goto the hospital, he along with the one that hit him had to alert the authorities. It would be this crucial point that would eventually drive him to his madness. For when he got there, he learned of a new law that had just passed. it was that whomever rode a bike and got hit by a car would have one of their hands cut off. Considering he lived in France this was indeed one very bizarre and cruel law.[/font][/b]"

So, he's hit by a car while driving a bike, and he's saying he doesn't need to go to the hospital, so they aren't going to the hospital...until suddenly they are. And then suddenly the setting's mentioned to be in France. Of course, the law makes no sense, but it still makes no sense even at the end of the story.

Now, what I do like is Ted's transformation. He seems relatively normal at the beginning (aside from the fact that he can get hit by a car and be fine), and as these more and more odd (and often painful) events happen, he sinks slowly more and more into insanity. Perhaps a little cliche, but it's a good transformation.
[/quote]
He's not taken to the hospital. He's taken to a police station. I thought Station would be a good enough word but I guess I was wrong. :\

Also, the plot and scenery changes aren't suppose to be realistic. However, an interesting fact:
[spoiler=France to Algeria]
[img]http://allaboutitalyblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/map20of20the20world20_2635.jpg[/img]
[/spoiler]

[FTW (For The Wynn)]

lol I looked up the world map after I read the France to Algeria thing because I wasn't aware that France was on the Mediterranean. But, it was the way you put in the swimming thing that made me think you meant he swam to Algeria.

All it needs is a little bit of rewording and it will be a fine story.

[Ren✧]

This was a fairly disappointing story for a supposed horror. Not only was there no suspense, but it was all incredibly predictable. Guy gets his hands chopped off, gets revenge by cutting people up. Even the scenes that are supposed to be scary aren't because it is basically hand gets chopped off, a little blood, a little meat, some screaming, some evil smiles. Moving on. I don't honestly know that much about Algeria...well actually to be honest I don't know anything about Algeria...but I don't see it likely that just 6 random people would just relish the idea of cutting someone's hand off or that the French police force would enjoy doing it either...even if the law said they had to. Unless the conditions in Algeria are a lot worse than I am imagining, why wouldn't people help? You need to expand there, if it is so terrible give some more insight into the economics and politics of Algeria.

So far I have left alone this stupidly absurd law of having to have your hand cut off due to getting into an accident while on a bike. Now if it were a more primitive country and it was for something like theft, then I would understand, but in France...on a bike...it would seem more likely he would lose a foot...but even that is stupid and I would still criticize even that.

Also, add some more background into this guy. So this guy gets into accident. Isn't hurt by accident. Has to get his hand cut off. Goes crazy and goes to Algeria. Second hand gets cut off. Avoids dying from inevitable blood loss. Steals hands and arms from people. ATTACHES THEM TO HIMSELF!...Okay surviving the accident and even his hand getting cut off I can go along with, but without any clue whatsoever that this guy is a super powered psychopath that can just attach limbs to his body I am just sitting here shaking my head wondering why this was even written.

So all and all this was a broken, shallow story. Add some character description, background information, describe the landscape, the sounds, the smells. You basically just stated things as they happened. It is basically saying this: "The dog went outside. The dog came inside." And then you ask someone "What color is the dog?" I have no idea what these demented men that think cutting off hands is fun looks like(dude give me some description, I need to be staying away from them).

Just as a recap. Add in some character description, background information, describe the landscape, sounds, smells. Make it more realistic. Honestly it would be SO much more creepy if he just kept the arms and like mounted them all his wall or something. Reattaching them to himself is just stupid and turn a poorly executed story into a bad one.

Please don't take what I am saying personally, I realize it is harsh but I am truly just trying to help you out.

[D.A._Sakuyamon]

[quote name='~Renegade~' timestamp='1354498565' post='6083694']
This was a fairly disappointing story for a supposed horror. Not only was there no suspense, but it was all incredibly predictable. Guy gets his hands chopped off, gets revenge by cutting people up. Even the scenes that are supposed to be scary aren't because it is basically hand gets chopped off, a little blood, a little meat, some screaming, some evil smiles. Moving on. I don't honestly know that much about Algeria...well actually to be honest I don't know anything about Algeria...but I don't see it likely that just 6 random people would just relish the idea of cutting someone's hand off or that the French police force would enjoy doing it either...even if the law said they had to. Unless the conditions in Algeria are a lot worse than I am imagining, why wouldn't people help? You need to expand there, if it is so terrible give some more insight into the economics and politics of Algeria.

So far I have left alone this stupidly absurd law of having to have your hand cut off due to getting into an accident while on a bike. Now if it were a more primitive country and it was for something like theft, then I would understand, but in France...on a bike...it would seem more likely he would lose a foot...but even that is stupid and I would still criticize even that.

Also, add some more background into this guy. So this guy gets into accident. Isn't hurt by accident. Has to get his hand cut off. Goes crazy and goes to Algeria. Second hand gets cut off. Avoids dying from inevitable blood loss. Steals hands and arms from people. ATTACHES THEM TO HIMSELF!...Okay surviving the accident and even his hand getting cut off I can go along with, but without any clue whatsoever that this guy is a super powered psychopath that can just attach limbs to his body I am just sitting here shaking my head wondering why this was even written.

So all and all this was a broken, shallow story. Add some character description, background information, describe the landscape, the sounds, the smells. You basically just stated things as they happened. It is basically saying this: "The dog went outside. The dog came inside." And then you ask someone "What color is the dog?" I have no idea what these demented men that think cutting off hands is fun looks like(dude give me some description, I need to be staying away from them).

Just as a recap. Add in some character description, background information, describe the landscape, sounds, smells. Make it more realistic. Honestly it would be SO much more creepy if he just kept the arms and like mounted them all his wall or something. Reattaching them to himself is just stupid and turn a poorly executed story into a bad one.

Please don't take what I am saying personally, I realize it is harsh but I am truly just trying to help you out.
[/quote]

But he did get hurt. O.o "[b][font=Arial][size=4]While he didn’t get injured [i]enough[/i] to need to goto the hospital[/size][/font][/b][font=Arial]"[/font]

Also, the laws are purposely stupid. O.o I mean that is pretty obvious.

As for lack of description that's intentional. Your not suppose to know what anyone is suppose to look like or get a general idea of the surroundings. You just have to know what happened to ted. The Ending is what matters in this story the most. As everyone throughout the story (with two exceptions, one that is implied and the other intentional) gets a mention.