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[PG-13 with swearing] Plant-Metal Duelist - Prologue is up! *Reps for Reviews*


Aix

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Set in a Duel Terminal World where Spellbooks and Elemental Dragons are fighting for supremacy. Thanks to Broken Heart for the review, I'm currently partially rewriting it. So far, I've rewritten the prologue.

 

I'm really looking for edits, advice and reviews right now. All help is appreciated.

[hr][spoiler='Before BrokenHeart'][spoiler='Prologue']It was a bright, sunny and nearly cloudless day in the marvelous city-state of Tarot, the present center of magic, replacing the old Citadel of Endymion. Citizens here lived happy lives, made easy by magic and the loot obtained by the Spellbook Legions’ campaigns across the continent. Many would argue that it was a happiness built on the tragedy and sadness of others, but few dared or bothered to argue, as who would, living such a contented life?

 
Pedestrians down in the bustling streets looked up in surprise as a indiscernible shape in the distance was hurtling through the sky at a remarkable speed.
 
“It’s coming this way!” cried a stall keeper worriedly. Whatever it was, there was always the possibility of it stealing or damaging his merchandise. He squinted and shielded his eyes from the sun to try to make out what it was and to gauge the threat it may present.
 
“It’s a bird!” exclaimed a civilian.
 
“It’s a plane!” argued another.
 
“Baka!” said a third civilian smacking previous on the head. “It’s Van Hohenheim!”
 
As they looked closer, they realized it was true. The Commander of the Spellbook Armies was flying, his brown and green cloak billowing behind him.
 
“Hey, Hohenheim!” cried a random civilian cheerily, greeting the Spellbook Legion’s hero. However, Hohenheim was in a hurry and promptly ignored him, zooming right past, towards the Great Spellbook Tower at the center of the city, the Spellbook Legions’ headquarters.
 
Hohenheim landed dramatically in front of the magnificent tower with a burst of wind to cushion his fall, blowing up dust and debris that buffeted those standing nearby. He proceeded to storm through the massive double doors to the tower.
 
[hr]
 
Three powerful mages sat around a marble table in the library on the highest floor of the Spellbook Tower, looking intently down at the cards on the table and appeared to be completely ignoring each other.
 
Sitting upon a bejeweled golden throne with his back to the wall was an old, but powerfully built man with blond hair. He did not have a name, but he was referred to by all as Father, or by Hohenheim: the Homunculus.
 
To the old man’s right was a purple haired woman dressed in white and green robes with a great fan-shaped collar framing her face, she was the Empress of Prophecy, Tris.
 
To the old man’s left was the Empress’s spouse, a middle-aged man with a black and gold coat over his purple robes, the Emperor of Prophecy, Empereur.
 
Across from the old man was a black-haired man dressed in elaborate black robes trimmed with gold with dull emeralds as decoration upon it, upon his brow was a gold, five-pronged crown marking him as the Hierophant of Prophecy, Hairon.
 
Despite that they were all around the same table, they each kept to their own, playing Solitaire and none of them bothered looking up as Hohenheim burst into the room. “Homunculus,” Hohenheim said with an edge in his voice. He stood in the doorway with a fierce look in his eyes.
 
After a moment, Father looked up from his game. “What is it?” he said innocently, though the look in his eyes revealed that he knew fully well what the cause was for Hohenheim’s rage.
 
“You said that you would not march upon the Forest,” said Hohenheim. “And yet, you sent me off to fight the Dragon Kings so that in my absence you would do what you promised not to! Withdraw your forces at once!”
 
“I will not,” said Father. His tone made it clear that there was no room for argument. “You know fully well that it is essential to unify all of clans.” Hohenheim’s fierce expression did not go away. “What is there? Ah, I remember, your whelp.” Father paused to think and looked down at his game.
 
“Very well, I will give the order to keep your son safe at all costs... is that sufficient?” He looked at Hohenheim again. “What is this forest to you? It is only one amongst many. You’ve travelled the world, lived parts of your life over all sorts of places... is it that that is where you met your wife?”
 
Hohenheim did not respond.
 
“Trisha Elric... I thought she was merely a placeholder...” said Father. Hohenheim began to respond but Father cut him off. “What will you do, when you bring them both back?” Hohenheim’s eyes widened in rage, but before he would reply, Father continued. “What is a forest, a mere place, compared to those you love? Even if it is your son's home, is it so important?” asked Father. “We have already come so far, there is no backing down. For it to work, we must conquer everything.”
 

Hohenheim remained tense as he thought it through, he clenched and unclenched his fist, and then he closed his eyes to calm himself down. When he opened them again, he gave the Homunculus a contemptuous glare before departing the room, leaving the mages to their games of Solitaire.[/spoiler]

[hr][spoiler='Chapter 1']Deep within the forest is a large clearing where magical Plants, Beasts and Winged Beasts of all shapes and sizes gather. Here is the forest’s legislature and here they decide the fate of the country, the forest’s next course of action as a whole. It is the heart of the forest’s activity and where the rulers of the forest dwelled.

 
“I will not allow such a foolish expedition.” Sprouting from the center of a brilliant red giant camellia was a fierce but serene-looking woman, clad in a form-fitting gown of petals and leaves. With a perfectly chiselled face, she was considered a great beauty by many and even Sora admits that she's not too bad. Atop her head was a green and red crown which marked her as Princess Tytannial, the supreme ruler of the plants.
 
The Princess wore an expression of slight disdain as she looked down upon the black-haired boy and his diminutive companions standing before her. There was a small hybrid plant that seemed to be part flower and part lion and stood defiantly with his armed crossed, and then there was a little weed that seemed to have a bomb for a head and there was a little greenish white puffball. This ragtag group were requesting her permission and aid for perhaps the most impossible mission she had ever heard.
 
The courtiers, a dazzling array of wondrous humanoid flora and strange beasts, whispered amongst each other, scornful giggles occasionally escaping from their inhuman mouths.
 
“Then, you are willing to submit to the Spellbook Legion’s tyranny?” asked Sora. “You? The mighty Princess of Camellias? The ruler of plants? Are you relinquishing your hold over the forest to them? Are any of you?” The monarchs was unfazed. She glanced at him impassively before turning away, implying that he was beneath her notice and Sora pressed on. “Perhaps the rumors are true then. ‘Tytannial has gotten old’ they whisper. ‘Old... and cowardly. She hides, pissing herself in her glen, too scared to come out now.’” At this, the court went into an uproar, those in attendance spluttering to each other. Tytannial stared at him, eyes wide with outrage.
 
“You shouldn’t remind a lady of her age,” whispered Dandylion to Sora.
 
“I don’t think that was the only, or bigger, problem there,” said Sora out of the corner of his mouth. He kept his gaze warily on the plant sovereign, who was still frozen with shock.
 
“Nah, you don’t understand. Woman are sensitive about their age, man. I bet the Princess looks in her mirror every morning for wrinkles,” replied the little flower. He wiggled his whiskers distastefully. “Pah, women. Is that why you go for the guys?”
 
Before Sora could refute the his friend’s words, one of Tytannial’s attendants finally spoke up. Lord Poison walked forwards, his claws bristling threateningly. “You dare insult Her Perennial Majesty? You are naught but a mere child, you are the child of the traitor, the very man who leads the Spellbook Legion!”
 
“‘Perennial’, huh? See? Lord Poison knows that--” Sora cut Dandylion off with a gesture. He straightened himself up, crossed his arms and cocked his head to the side.
 
“The truth can hurt like a b****, but it’s still the truth,” said Sora, coolly. “You can't judge someone just because their father was an a******, and doing so is, for lack of a better word, stupid.  I'm not dad, I'm me."
 
The Princess seemed to have regained her composure. “We know fully well that you seek the Spellbook Legion to find Hohenheim. This nonsense about taking them down is just a ruse, you seek support as the journey will be long and dangerous,” she said and as an afterthought, she added. “And perhaps you also seek to present him with a gift? A glorious sacrifice of plants.” The plants gasped at this shocking accusation and began to whisper again.
 
“Well, shit, did she just hit the nail on the head or what?” commented Dandylion, dismayed.
 
“No, what the hell? Aren’t you on my side?” demanded Sora. “And, no! I’m not going to sacrifice you guys as a gift to my dad. I told you already, I am going to find out why he left us and I will force it out of him if I have to.”
 
The court was still chattering on. Finally, Tytannial spoke, “Silence!” and everyone shut up. “My final answer is, and will remain, ‘No’.” At this, the onlookers smirked at Sora, taking this as if it were their personal triumph. They were fickle beings that enjoyed watching the suffering of others and were around solely because they could find entertainment here.
 
Sora glared at Tytannial before swinging around dramatically and headed towards the exit. “C’mon, guys. Let’s go.” Dandylion, Lonefire and Spore looked at him, but remained on the spot.
 
“Where to?” asked Dandylion.
 
“We’re going without Tytannial’s help,” said Sora.
 
Dandylion stared at him. “Huh?”
 
“My friends, we are going to take down the Spellbook Legion on our own,” declared Sora. “Are you with me?”
 
The three little plants looked at each other and looked back. They replied unison. “Nah.”
 
[hr]
 
“C’mon guys! Yo! It’s going to be like, a grand adventure!” said Sora, walking after his friends as they proceeded on home. The trio walked on. “What the hell, guys?! Aren’t we friends?”
 
“Friends?” Spore put on a contemplative expression and began thinking back, at this, Sora began to look rather worried, but before Spore said anything again, Sora hastily pulled them into a group hug.
 
“Don’t be silly, of course, we’re friends!” he said, putting on the most cheerful tone possible.
 
“Bromance, not romance, I hope...” said Dandylion.
 
“Uh, I liek b****es,” replied Sora.
 
“So he says...”
 
[hr]
 
“Are we really going to leave just like this?” asked Lonefire. They had already packed their stuff and were ready to go, but the little bomb/plant was having second thoughts. He, and Dandylion and Spore for that matter, had stayed in the forest all his life, this would be the first time he ventured out into the world.
 
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you all,” said Sora. He pulled out his map. “See, I got this all planned out. I marked our path on the map. We’ll start heading in this direction and pass here hand--”
“But that’s...” interrupted Lonefire.
 

“Yeah, the Synchron Factory, but we’re going to need all the help we can get.”[/spoiler][/spoiler]

[hr][spoiler='Prologue']It was a bright, sunny and nearly cloudless day in the marvelous city-state of Tarot, the present center of magic and magical activity, replacing the old Citadel of Endymion. Citizens here lived happy lives, made easy by magic and the loot obtained by the Spellbook Legions’ campaigns across the continent. Many would argue that it was a happiness built on the tragedy and loss of others, but few dared or bothered to argue, as who would, living such a contented life?

 
Pedestrians passing down the bustling market streets paused and looked up in surprise as an indiscernable shape came hurtling from the distance at a remarkable speed.
 
“It’s coming this way!” cried a stall keeper worriedly. Whatever it was, there was always the possibility of it stealing or damaging his cabbages. He squinted and shielded his eyes from the sun to try to make out what it was and to gauge the threat it may present. His family relied on his business, he could not survive a loss like this. Being a non-native of Tarot, he was not eligible for the insurance given to all proper Tarot citizens.
 
“A Gusto!” cried one civilian and the cabbage seller felt dread, his heart rate increased.
 
“A Mecha Phantom Beast!” argued another, and the cabbage seller began to panic.
 
“Baka!”  said a third civilian smacking previous on the head. “It’s Van Hohenheim!”
 
As they looked closer, and as the object approached them, they all realized it was true. The cabbage seller sighed in relief, his cabbages were spared... for now. Hohenheim, the great Commander of the Spellbook Armies was flying, his brown and green cloak billowing behind him. Many knew him as a great man and a major cause for the city’s prosperity. He was a middle-aged man, looking to be around his mid-forties to fifties, though he was still considered handsome and he had long blond hair tied into a slick ponytail.
 
The cabbage seller waved and another random citizen called out a greeting. However, Hohenheim was in a great hurry and promptly ignored them. He was an important man with little time to slack off and mingle with the civilians. He zoomed past the citizens in the market, heading straight towards the massive silver spire rising from the center of the city, the Great Spellbook Tower, the resulting gust of wind toppling the cabbage seller’s stall, leaving the poor man scrambling frantically to pick them back up, crying “My cabbages!” all the while.
 
The Grand Spellbook Tower was a marvel of modern architectural design and the effect further enhanced by the magical rings slowly rotating around it. These were rather weak magical wards that did rather little to protect the tower, as even a rogue storm from space could destroy it with ease, however, they were kept for their decorative value. Any threats to the tower could be dealt with by the residing wizards and even were the Tower destroyed, it could be rebuilt in the matter of minutes.
 
Hohenheim landed dramatically in front of the great tower with a burst of wind to cushion his fall, blowing up dust and debris and buffeting those standing nearby. He proceeded to storm through the massive double doors to the tower. A rather powerfully built man and a high-ranking figure, those walking the halls immediately parted to give way to him.
 
[hr]
 
Four powerful mages sat around a table on the highest floor of the Grand Spellbook Tower, the Spellbook Library of the Heliosphere. It served as a lounge for the high-ranking officials as the roof was open allowing relaxing wizards to bath in warm sunlight and enjoy a light breeze.
 
Sitting upon a bejeweled golden throne with his back to the wall was an old man almost identical to Hohenheim, different only in attire, which he wore simple but elegant gold robes, and there were a few more wrinkles upon his face. He did not have a name, but he was referred to by all as Father, or by Hohenheim, the Homunculus.
 
To the old man’s right was a purple haired woman dressed in white and green robes with a great fan-shaped collar framing her face, she was the Empress of Prophecy, Tris.
 
To the old man’s left was the Empress’s spouse, a middle-aged man with a black and gold coat over his purple robes, the Emperor of Prophecy, Empereur.
 
Across from the old man was a black-haired man dressed in elaborate black robes trimmed with gold with dull emeralds as decoration upon it, upon his brow was a gold, five-pronged crown marking him as the Hierophant of Prophecy, Hairon.
 
Despite that they were all around the same table, they each kept to their own, playing Solitaire, and none of them bothered looking up as Hohenheim burst into the room. “Homunculus,” Hohenheim said with an edge in his voice. He stood in the doorway with a fierce look in his eyes.
 
After a moment, Father looked up from his game. “What is it?” he inquired innocently, though the look in his eyes revealed that he knew fully well what the cause was for Hohenheim’s rage.
 
“You said that you would not march upon the Forest,” said Hohenheim. “And yet, you sent me off to fight the Dragon Kings so that in my absence you would do what you promised not to! Withdraw your forces at once!”
 
“I will not,” said Father. His tone made it clear that there was no room for argument. “You know fully well that it is essential to conquer all of clans to cast the Grand Magic.” Hohenheim’s fierce expression did not go away. “What is there? Ah, I remember, your whelp.” Father paused to think and looked down at his game.
 
“Very well, I will give the order to keep your son safe at all costs... is that sufficient?” He looked at Hohenheim again. “What is this forest to you? It is only one amongst many. You’ve travelled the world, lived parts of your life over all sorts of places... is it that that is where you met your wife?”
 
Hohenheim did not respond.
 
“Trisha Elric... I thought she was merely a placeholder...” said Father. “What will you do, when you bring them both back?” Hohenheim’s eyes widened in rage, but before he would respond, Father continued. “What is a forest, a mere place, compared to those you love?” asked Father. “We have already come so far, there is no backing down. The circle will be drawn around the whole world, Towers must be erected in every homeland to mark the ownership, and only then can it all be traded.”
 

Hohenheim remained tense, he clenched and unclenched his fist, and then he closed his eyes to calm himself down. When he opened them again, he gave the Homunculus a contemptuous glare before departing the room, leaving the mages to their games of Solitaire.[/spoiler][hr]

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Please continue this, this shit is hilarious.

 

It seems really cool so far, but I feel like we don't know enough about the main character.  All we know is that he's a spunky kid who lives with the plants and whose father left him.  Are you going to clarify his past in later chapters?

 

Also, about a certain dialogue: "​And, you cannot judge a person by what their parent did. This is me we are talking about, not my father. I am my own person.”

I probably wouldn't have said that, I probably would have said something along the lines of: "You can't judge someone just because their father was an asshole, and doing so is, for lack of a better word, stupid.  I'm not dad, I'm me."

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Please continue this, this shit is hilarious.

 

It seems really cool so far, but I feel like we don't know enough about the main character.  All we know is that he's a spunky kid who lives with the plants and whose father left him.  Are you going to clarify his past in later chapters?

 

Also, about a certain dialogue: "​And, you cannot judge a person by what their parent did. This is me we are talking about, not my father. I am my own person.”

I probably wouldn't have said that, I probably would have said something along the lines of: "You can't judge someone just because their father was an asshole, and doing so is, for lack of a better word, stupid.  I'm not dad, I'm me."

Yeah, when they are travelling/on the road will be a good time for idle conversation and flashbacks to reveal tidbits of his/your past.

 

Thanks, I felt I may have rushed it a bit, too. Anyway, I'm going to work on a Prologue to give some further insight and worldbuilding.

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I don't really read fanfics forget review them but this is a new, fresh one that won't require me to read a lot to keep up to date since it only just started.

 

I'm going to be a bit blunt, that was actually quite entertaining to read. It's comedy value is impressive to an extent - Or I should say impressive to a great extent because I rarely take much to humour in literature however I feel to reach such a level of comedy is a noteworthy achievement.

So the comedic value is good so what else? The plot? Well what I like - We have a bit of character to the err... character (if that makes sense), he has some background story but it hasn't been revealed in detail and most of the first chapter does not build so much on a in depth story but I assume you will do so with upcoming chapters.

So we end with a cliff-hanger with only the destination and possible danger at said destination as implied by the reactions of his so far (cowardly?) companions.

 

Only disappointment is it was all talking really and as funny as it is it does not suit to keep one entertained so I hope something happens later in the story.

 

Still too early on to give it a definitive overall rating but so far so good :)

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Seems like you beat me to the punch. Was thinking about writing a similar fic, but enough about that, on to yours.

 

Well I like the comedic value here. Many fics lose that when jumping into a war-like scenario. My favorite character, so far, is Dandylion. Making remarks on Sora's sexual orientation, when he, at least in appearance, is probably the gayest. Is Sora just a regular human living among plants? Anyway, I noticed at the beginning that the detail you put into the writing was quite extensive, especially when describing the princess, but after that it seemed to dip down a bit. Not really a problem, just something I noticed. 

 

I really want to learn more about these past events that tie into the story and REALLY want to see these Elemental Dragons lose this war, lol. 

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