Please Excuse Me

[Dad]

Please excuse me.  What I'm about to say comes directly from the heart and is something important to me.  It is in no way directed at a particular individual, a group of people, or any corporation or symbol.  Anything that may strike you as such is purely coincidence.  Everything you're about to read is 100% non-fiction.

 

Please excuse me as I sit here and unravel after a long, long funking day.  I got up this morning with nothing on my mind other than mowing my shitty looking lawn because I didn't want it to revert to an even shittier stage that it was two to three weeks ago.  I went to bed last night angry.  I woke up this morning irritated.  I started my day in a shitty way, and it got progressively shittier.  By noon, I was sure my day couldn't get any funking worse.  For backstory purposes, I'll start from about a week ago.

 

Last Monday, my grandmother fell and broke her hip.  At first, we had no idea.  I helped her up but had to have her lie down immediately because of the excruciating pain she was in.  This was 5:15 a.m. Monday, June 6 of this year.  She ends up going to the hospital about 5 hours later when stupid me finally freaks out.  She was 73 at the time.  The week slowly goes by, and I finally get to visit her on a Saturday evening.  She is looking okay, but she had had several falls already by this point, and her health (over the course of several months) had started to decline.  She was suffering from calcification of the brain, dementia, and just general bad health.  Her kidneys were pretty bad.  She didn't eat often, if at all.  But when I saw her on SATURDAY, she was stable.  She was eating some again.  She wasn't super coherent, but she understood that I and several other relatives were there to see her, love her, care for her.  She was watching t.v. just a bit, singing along to some oldies (humming rather), and just being herself as best she could.

 

A little bit more backstory.  My grandmother moved in with my mother and I sometime a year ago.  Shortly before her birthday (next week actually).  She was somewhat healthy, but by no means was she 100%.  Unfortunately my uncle had to move in with us as well, as he had been her "caretaker" if you can call him that, for some time.  Granted, he did what he could until he had a bad accident, but honestly, I don't consider anything he did to be phenomenal.  He might occasionally work and buy a loaf of bread and chip in on the bills, but he was living on her as far as I'm funking concerned.  I love him to death, but he's been living on others for a long funking time.  Now he was on my mom's back.

 

Sometime earlier this year (I'm pretty sure this was February) he finally moved out.  Of course, he moved in on someone else, to be carried by them again.  Not that he can work anymore, but that's not saying much.  Some old broad who "fell in love" with him took him in, and they're currently happy together.  Good for him.  After he moved out, I became my Grandmother's primary caretaker (somewhat).  Mom was working constantly, of course, and my sis was still in school.  She graduated in May which was pretty funking awesome.  But early in March my grandmother was first hospitalized.  This was about the time we really started to notice the dementia (as she was forgetting a lot).  She also had an unknown blood clot in her leg, and it hindered her walking badly.  It was to the point where she could not physically get up to walk on her own, and was bedridden for some 3 to 4 weeks before we even knew about the clot.  In that time, my mother had to purchase adult diapers and things just to keep grandma clean (what with her being unable to walk, she naturally urinated on herself).  But we tried our best to keep her clean and fed, even when she was refusing to eat.

 

That's when the fall occurred.  We decide it's time to get her to a doctor, and it turns out the inability to walk was because of the blood clot.  It gets a surgery (I don't know too many details as my mind is currently funked) and she's able to move about again.  The doctors get her back to a more stable condition to where she's eating again, her memory is stronger, and she is feeling good.  She's out of the hospital in early-mid April, and brought back home.  A couple weeks later, after her therapists have come and gone, her health is declining again.  She's refusing to eat, but she's at least getting herself to the bathroom back and forth. 

 

I of course and keeping a close eye on her.  Checking on her constantly, offering to get her food, and preparing it as necessary.  Cleaning up, keeping her comfortable and happy and off of her feet as much as I could.  She was sleeping a lot, and roamed the house a lot at night.  Sometime in late May she had another fall.  She wasn't injured, but a few weeks later she would be.  We hospitalized her again on June 8.

 

During this ENTIRE COURSE.  From late February to June.  The only time my uncles and aunt would visit my grandmother would be when she was in the hospital (which for the duration she was there in March was maybe 4-5 times over the course of three to four weeks), and almost never at home.  My mother was bearing the load, doing what she can in my grandmother's mental state and health condition.  I was the backup.  When mom would breakdown, I was there.  When mom couldn't be there, I was.  When mom had to work, travel, go to school meetings, stay late, I was handling it trying to take some of the load off of her back.  But every funking body just seems to think it's a-o-funking-kay to presume my mother was overreacting.  She was in so much physical, mental, emotional, spiritual exhaustion, that she would cry herself to sleep.  I couldn't take it.  I hated seeing my mother like that.  I was furious with my family for not being there to help.

 

SHOWING UP ONCE OR TWICE EVERY OTHER WEEK WHEN MY MOM IS DOING MOST OF THE WORK, IS NOT A CONTRIBUTION.  MY MOM SPENT HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS ON sheet SHE COULDN'T AFFORD.  WHERE THE funk WERE YOU!?  My cousin had to take off work sometimes just to get there because my aunt and uncles just "couldn't make it".  Even though they had bus fare.  Even though my uncle had literally nothing else to do.  Even though they had extra days off.  They would show up EVERY BLUE funking MOON.

 

Now, here we are in June.  My grandmother breaks her hip, everybody freaks the funk out.  Oh, NOW you're scared?  NOW you wanna pay a visit?  NOW YOU SHOW UP!?  I get it, you're busy.  My aunt works.  But she works in the city.  She could make a stop just to visit every other day.  Granted, she did pitch in somewhat to buy sheet like milk, bread, and sometimes nutrition for grandma.  BUT MY UNCLES?  NO EXCUSE.  And I'm sitting here with pains in my funking chest because I'm angry, but I can't find a way to express myself without hurting someone.

 

Let's cut to the funking chase.

 

My grandmother is dead.  As of June 16, 2015, my grandmother is dead.  DEAD!  D.E.A.D DEAD.  And there's nothing I could do about it.  And I look around, and I here excuses and I see now everything that's wrong. Wrong here, wrong with the world.  Teens getting kidnapped and chopped up and thrown out along the funking interstate.  People being beheaded because they have a different religion.  People being persecuted for their race or sexual orientation.

 

I'm so funking sick and funking tired of these selfish funking bastards, who have nothing better to do than to pull rank for their funking people.  funk YOUR PEOPLE.  funk YOU FOR TAKING INNOCENT LIVES.  funk YOU FOR RUINING THE WORLD FOR DECENT funking PEOPLE.  funk YOUR STANDARDS.  funk YOUR HYPOCRITICAL BULLSHIT.  funk YOU!

 

But I'm grateful.  My grandma doesn't have to look you bastards in the face anymore.  She doesn't have to read the newspaper or turn on the news station to hear about the horse sheet you try to rationalize because "OH THATS HOW I WAS RAISED" or "THATS MY BELIEFS"  or "FOR MY PEOPLE".  It's funkers like you who give people of your same religion, your same ethnic background, your same beliefs, a BAD funking NAME.  I HOPE YOU STEP OUT OF YOUR funking DOOR TOMORROW AND GET BY A BUS.  I HOPE YOUR REMAINS ARE FED TO "YOUR PEOPLE" AND THEY GET BURNED ALIVE INSIDE OF A funking NUCLEAR REACTOR.  I HOPE EVERY LIVING MOMENT YOU BREATHE IS FILLED WITH TORTURE, PAIN, MISERY, AND SORROW.  YOU DON'T DESERVE ANOTHER CHANCE.  YOU DON'T DESERVE REDEMPTION.  AND I SINCERELY HOPE YOU funking SUFFER.

 

Father forgive me.  I know I shouldn't be wishing bad upon anyone.  I guess I'm just so filled with anger with my own situation that I'm spouting bullshit and hatemongering.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I'm human.  I'm sorry that I couldn't be in heaven with grandma to get away from this sheet.  I'm sorry for dropping this sheet on YCM.  I wanted it to be less public, as I couldn't put something like this on Facebook, but whatever.  Maybe I'm not really sorry.  Maybe I'm just really funking depressed, sad, angry, confused, delusional, and whatever the funk else you wanna add to that.

 

Whatever man.  funk off.

[Tourmaline]

I have no idea of if you are going to lock this or not, though I would say something regardless.

 

You're the one who I got a name change for. I remember it was you because Sleepy was proud of me for doing something nice later on that day. I am still glad I did it, of course.

 

I've dealt with a few certain people who went out of their way to be hurtful to others (in and outside the Internet), and especially with the way that people spread their cause to others who have no concern, it becomes very much of a bother. I know my mother does the kind of thing you're feeling angry toward, given what she has done to me and the fact that she is incredibly disrespectful and hateful toward someone who lives with us. My stepfather bullies him, too, including a lot of insults, but he's a mindless extension of my mother's will/more of a dog eager to please his master than anything. Of course, I've stood up to their bullying and it becomes something of being threatened with losing the home I'm in because I obviously don't care about her or whatever. Needlessly belligerent people with uneducated and destructive goals and methods are really the scum of society, as society sees it through macro and microsocial lens.

 

When I hear about people being murdered for religious causes, that reinforces the reality that those people do not have the intelligence not only to understand the actual meaning of "God" (particularly as a concept outside the religious that has links to magic, truth, reality, deception, illusion, et cetera), but to have their point known without violence. Regardless of culture, Western philosophy (sorry Polaris) has overcome the world, where will is limited by obstruction of independent and separate will, physical force being direct opposition of that ideology.

[Dad]

I have no idea of if you are going to lock this or not, though I would say something regardless.

 

You're the one who I got a name change for. I remember it was you because Sleepy was proud of me for doing something nice later on that day. I am still glad I did it, of course.

 

I've dealt with a few certain people who went out of their way to be hurtful to others (in and outside the Internet), and especially with the way that people spread their cause to others who have no concern, it becomes very much of a bother. I know my mother does the kind of thing you're feeling angry toward, given what she has done to me and the fact that she is incredibly disrespectful and hateful toward someone who lives with us. My stepfather bullies him, too, including a lot of insults, but he's a mindless extension of my mother's will/more of a dog eager to please his master than anything. Of course, I've stood up to their bullying and it becomes something of being threatened with losing the home I'm in because I obviously don't care about her or whatever. Needlessly belligerent people with uneducated and destructive goals and methods are really the scum of society, as society sees it through macro and microsocial lens.

 

When I hear about people being murdered for religious causes, that reinforces the reality that those people do not have the intelligence not only to understand the actual meaning of "God" (particularly as a concept outside the religious that has links to magic, truth, reality, deception, illusion, et cetera), but to have their point known without violence. Regardless of culture, Western philosophy (sorry Polaris) has overcome the world, where will is limited by obstruction of independent and separate will, physical force being direct opposition of that ideology.

 

Nah I don't plan on locking this anytime soon.  I'll be frank tho.  I can't say I recall you, so forgive me.  I don't want anyone to be hurt man.  I don't want anyone to suffer.  I said these things out of anger, out of spite, because of my own selfish situation.  I felt that someone should suffer like me, and that's wrong.  I understand that, and I'd like to formally retract my angry statements.  I won't erase it from the op because I'm not a liar.

 

But right now, I'm broken.  I am in pieces.  It will take me time to heal, and if I hurt anyone I sincerely apologize. 

 

EDIT:  I don't expect my apology to be accepted either.  I'm a Christian.  Not the "YOU'RE WRONG YOU'RE GOING TO HELL" type.  I'm more of the "Jesus said love everyone, not most, not some.  Everyone," type.  And the sheet I said shouldn't have been said.  I'm torn up enough and reading what I wrote tears me up further.  I'm funked up bruh.

[Tourmaline]

I got your name change in memory of your friend. It was in a status update and it was early in the morning during my second worst semester. I was really depressed that semester, but I did think it would help both of us if I helped you, so I did.

 

You should not be ashamed of anything you said. You should actually embrace your weakness as a person. That you were willing to show that hole in your fortress of a persona that most people are unable to shows an acknowledgement of those holes that are the foundation toward an always reliable, new bedrock of wisdom and experience. Intelligence would let you apply, cross-reference and lewrn more from your experience. When you feel better enough to think of the situation without losing as much control, you need to understand what you felt when it really happened and then rationalize it to break down your universe of humanity beyond what you could previously conceive.

[Thar]

Oh man, there's nothing that makes me feel good about what's left of humanity than these types of rants.

 

I can't say I know how you feel, but I'm here for you if you need to vent about anything. Just hit me up in PM, and I'll listen to whatever you have to say.

[LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow]

I wish I could say something intelligent and profound or crap but it's late and I'm just not so good with the words thing sometimes.

But know there are those who love and care about you around here, like me, so ummmm yeah that's a thing.

[Dad]

I got your name change in memory of your friend. It was in a status update and it was early in the morning during my second word t semester. I was really depressed that semester, but I did think it would help both of us if I helped you, so I did.

 

You should not be ashamed of anything you said. You should actually embrace your weakness as a person. That you were willing to show that hole in your fortress of a persona that most people are unable to shows an acknowledgement of those holes that are the foundation toward an always reliable, new bedrock of wisdom and experience. Intelligence would let you apply, cross-reference and lewrn more from your experience. When you feel better enough to think of the situation without losing as much control, you need to understand what you felt when it really happened and then rationalize it to break down your universe of humanity beyond what you could previously conceive.

 

You're referring to James.  Yes, thank you.  We both appreciate it.  Your words are well received and appreciated.  And yes, I should grow from this.  The only way to go from here, is up.

 

 

Oh man, there's nothing that makes me feel good about what's left of humanity than these types of rants.

 

I can't say I know how you feel, but I'm here for you if you need to vent about anything. Just hit me up in PM, and I'll listen to whatever you have to say.

 

I'm grateful.  Thank you for your kind words, and I appreciate the ear.

 

 

I wish I could say something intelligent and profound or crap but it's late and I'm just not so good with the words thing sometimes.

But know there are those who love and care about you around here, like me, so ummmm yeah that's a thing.

 

I'm fortunate enough to have better friends (or so I consider those of you) online than I do in real life.  Thank you CowCow.  I'm in need of this right now, and I'm more grateful than I can express.

[LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow]

I'm glad my words helped in some way. ^^;

[Sethera]

Not much to say that hasn't already been said. This world can be pretty terrible, and most people are terribly selfish, and that can lead to some pretty terrible things. Death is never pleasant, especially when it's a loved one. And the idea that a loved one's death could have been prevented, or at least softened by help, but wasn't because of selfishness/bigotry, is enough to make one want to kill, or at least throttle that person/people.

 

Also, you can't really blame yourself for what you said. We all say things we wouldn't otherwise when we're hurt/angry/upset. Plus, if this world wasn't so f'ed up, you wouldn't need to say those things. You wouldn't need to feel the pain that drove you to say those things. There are good aspects to this world, but the selfishness, placidity, and hate that pervades it are definitely not.

 

I may not know you as well as the others do here, but even so, I heard your words and I do care. You seem like a nice person, a cool dude, and a devoted RPer. I hope life eventually gets better for you than it is now, and, as a fellow Christian, that God be with you always.

[BANZAI!!!!]

Please forgive me for possibly not making sense below. I should be asleep now but this is more important than my catching some needed unconsciousness, and so i may not be entirely coherent.

 

I don't believe in god. That's not to say I rule out the possibility of there being a higher power (I would very very much like to believe there is one), but when I'm asked to hedge my bets I would say that we are likely alone in this universe.

 

Something I do believe in, fervently, and wholeheartedly, and without a shred of irony or cynicism attached though? People. I believe that Humans are special, and that we, through some great cosmic coincidence or divine plan, posses more capacity for good and are capable of greater things than we realize. Its why I admire entertainers, aid workers, politicians, and yes, priests. People who have the power to better the lives of others around them and make positive change in their surroundings. Yes, there is a ton of evil in this world of ours and it is perpetuated by many, many disgusting individuals, but at the end of the day, there will always those who do the opposite; who can overcome that darwinist instinct that we all have to look out for ourselves and help their fellow man, through action or word. I believe in people because we're able to forget about being animals for a time and practice some altruism. Make no mistake, that is a profoundly powerful, beautiful thing, and I admire the people I see who practice that.

 

Like you, for instance.

 

You're an honest, forthright man with more integrity than most. Always supportive, eager to lend a hand, and you have a knack for knowing when levity is necessary, and when it isn't. You're dedicated, passionate, level-headed, and most importantly, altruistic. If you're needed, you're always there to the best of your ability. When you say "god bless" to me, it doesn't matter to you that I'm not a Christian, because you are, honestly and devotedly, and that phrase means that you're wishing me well in one of the most profound ways you know. From where I'm sitting, that means a whole hell of a lot. Maybe even more than you're aware of.

 

So, no, you shouldn't dwell on what you said. No man is an island and all of us need to vent when we're angry or sad or hurt. There's some terrible things out there, but if I've learned anything in my 21 years on this planet, its that there are some wonderful things out there too. You just need to not dwell on the negative and allow yourself to breathe. Time heals wounds, and things will get better, of that, I can assure you.

 

Like our resident Cow said, there's people here who love you and care about you. We've got your back like you've got ours, and if you need us, we're here for you. So, from one man to another, I'm sorry for your loss, and as your friend I wish you the very best.

[Dad]

I'm not going to quote everyone, as I'm still kind of choking back tears, but I want to say again how grateful I am.  It's support like this in times like these that make me smile when I don't want to.  When I want to sit in my sorrow and just BE there, you've lifted me up.  Just as my grandmother did.  So thank you all.