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Sonic the Christhog

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Posted

DISCLAIMER: This is a crackfic, it's not meant to be taken seriously at all

I'm not sure what happened with the spacing but oh well

Also it's terrible

Yes I wrote it

I am terrible

Have fun

 

 

 

    Sonic stared at the scene before him, clutching his crucifix necklace.
    There was fire all around, bodies strewn across the road. Shadow stood in the center of it, AK-47 in one hand and bottle of vodka in the other.
    When Sonic got closer he could see the tattoo on Shadow’s forehead. An unholy combination of swastika and pentagram.
    “Shadow! What you’re doing is wrong. Don’t misuse the Christ Emeralds like that!”
    “Pah, Sonic the Christhog has come to stop big bad Shadow. You make me sick. You and your god.”
    “It’s not too late, you too can embrace God. God loves us all, even a massive douchebag like you.”
    “Haha, you call that love? The builders never understand how their creations truly feel." Shadow said bitterly. “You used to be cool man, what happened?”
    “What...happened?” Sonic gazed off in the distance, remembering the events of that night.
    “Oh s*** this is a flashback isn’t it?” Shadow groaned, before everything faded to black.


    “Haha, can’t touch me Egghead!” Sonic taunted, dodging between two of Doctor Eggman’s robots, causing them to hit each other in the crossfire. They were battling on top a skyscraper, which had been the location of Eggman’s latest scheme to
    “Argh you stupid blue pain!” Eggman bellowed. “That’s it, I’m tired of your interference!” With that he dropped a black object, the size and shape of an egg.
    “This little device has enough explosive force to level this entire building! It’s set to go off as soon as it’s touched so even if you catch it, it’ll blow!” With that he flew off, laughing manically.
    “Damn it. What am I gonna do?” Sonic looked around for a conveniently placed stack of rubble and broken robot parts that would allow him to launch himself in the air and reach the bomb before it dropped. But, he couldn’t find any. Sonic had no idea what to do without the videogame-like level of coincidence his life has been so far.
    He heard the sound of his buddy, Tails, who had just managed to reach the roof with those weird tail-propeller things of his. “Sonic I can get it, don’t worry!”
    “No Tails, you’re too slow! You won’t be able to get rid of it in time!”
    Tails ignored him, heading towards the bomb at a, to Sonic, snail-like pace. But he reached it before it hit the ground. He reached out, grabbed it, and tossed it.
    It went barely three feet before exploding. It was high enough to not do more than rattle the building’s windows, but Tails was caught in the blast.
    Sonic ran forward, catching Tails as he fell. He could tell it was too late, the blast had done far too much damage. As this wasn’t a Mature Rated universe there was no blood, and in fact Tails only looked dirty, but Sonic could tell he was near death’s door.
    “Tails, why? Why tails! Why did you do this!” Sonic shouted.
    “I-I had to. You have to...live on. So you can...see the light.”
    “What are you talking about little buddy?” Sonic said, unable to stop the tears.
    “I know you’re an Atheist. You even have that blog with shadow “Sinner the Hedgesatan” on the Sonic 0666 fansite. But I can’t let you die before reforming your ways. Please, please promise me to try and become a good Christian.”
    “I can’t do that Tails, what has God done for me?”
    “Luke 9:16.” Tails said weakly. “Taking the five hot dogs and the two bowls of chilli and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and combined them. Then he gave them to the disciples to distribute to the people.”
    Sonic’s mouth dropped. “You mean...”
    “Yes, Sonic...Jesus...created the chilli dog.” And with that, Tails died.
    “Nooooooooo! Tails!” Sonic broke down over his fallen friend. He was there for several minutes (or long enough to sound good without writing an exact time). Then he stood.
    Wiping the tears from his eyes he said. “I’ve gotta go...No. I’ve GOD to go fast! To confess my sins. For Tails!”

    As the scene faded away and back to Sonic and Shadow, Sonic saw tears in Shadow’s eyes. “You...you understand!?” Sonic shouted hopefully.
    And then Shadow broke out into laughter. “That’s pathetic! I had to stop from laughing that whole time. You’re even less worthy of being my imposter than when we first met.” Shadow aimed the gun at Sonic and fired.
    Sonic started running, but since becoming Christian he couldn’t go as fast. Speed, he learned, was a creation of the devil to keep people from slowing down and embracing God.
    Unfortunately this also made it easy for Shadow to mow Sonic down.
    Shadow grinned at Sonic’s corpse. “Looks like YOU’RE too slow. This really HAS been a Good Friday”.
      

    A couple days later, Shadow was eating a stolen turkey (taken from a poor Christian family). A knock on the door sounded.
    He got up, belly swollen with the proof of his gluttony, and opened the door. He expected there would be a cop he’d have to deal with.
    He didn’t expect to see Sonic, in his Super Sonic form. “W...what? I killed you!”
    “Yes, and like Christ, I have risen again!” And then he raised his hand. “Shadow, you’re too blasphemous!”
    A holy light shined, and enveloped Shadow entirely, burning the sinner to a crisp.
       

    “And that is the story of why we eat chilli dogs on Easter.”
    “But nobody eats chilli dogs on Easter, what even was that story it made no sense? How did he come back, and if God’s all about peace and love why would he vaporize Shadow like that?”
    “b**** please, I just wrote a terrible story about a Christian Sonic, you expect me to give it a proper ending?”
    “What’s up with this epilogue or whatever this is then? What perspective is this supposed to be, who’s speaking? Are you talking to yourself now?”
    “It’s GOD perspective, okay? Now shut up and make me a sandwich.”
    “But I’m YOU!”
    “Well then I’m gonna make myself a sandwich, this has gone on far too long as it is.”
    “This is the laziest story I’ve ever...”
    “Silence!”
                    The End.
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Toffee. Newbie

Toffee.

Posted
Posted

Dammit Armz you're too clever for me that went over my head. (no sarcasm I derped)

Guess my reflexes are not good....

DeviantArt has some pretty cringeworthy stuff on it, if you go out of your way to find it.

Tumblr and.... I forget whatother sites have that stuff as well(Google doesn't count, mind you), but DeviantArt is more infamous for it.

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The Nyx Avatar Veteran

The Nyx Avatar

Posted
Posted

DISCLAIMER: This is a crackfic, it's not meant to be taken seriously at all

I'm not sure what happened with the spacing but oh well

Also it's terrible

Yes I wrote it

I am terrible

Have fun

 

 

 

Sonic stared at the scene before him, clutching his crucifix necklace.

There was fire all around, bodies strewn across the road. Shadow stood in the center of it, AK-47 in one hand and bottle of vodka in the other.

When Sonic got closer he could see the tattoo on Shadow’s forehead. An unholy combination of swastika and pentagram.

“Shadow! What you’re doing is wrong. Don’t misuse the Christ Emeralds like that!”

“Pah, Sonic the Christhog has come to stop big bad Shadow. You make me sick. You and your god.”

“It’s not too late, you too can embrace God. God loves us all, even a massive douchebag like you.”

“Haha, you call that love? The builders never understand how their creations truly feel." Shadow said bitterly. “You used to be cool man, what happened?”

“What...happened?” Sonic gazed off in the distance, remembering the events of that night.

“Oh s*** this is a flashback isn’t it?” Shadow groaned, before everything faded to black.

“Haha, can’t touch me Egghead!” Sonic taunted, dodging between two of Doctor Eggman’s robots, causing them to hit each other in the crossfire. They were battling on top a skyscraper, which had been the location of Eggman’s latest scheme to

“Argh you stupid blue pain!” Eggman bellowed. “That’s it, I’m tired of your interference!” With that he dropped a black object, the size and shape of an egg.

“This little device has enough explosive force to level this entire building! It’s set to go off as soon as it’s touched so even if you catch it, it’ll blow!” With that he flew off, laughing manically.

“Damn it. What am I gonna do?” Sonic looked around for a conveniently placed stack of rubble and broken robot parts that would allow him to launch himself in the air and reach the bomb before it dropped. But, he couldn’t find any. Sonic had no idea what to do without the videogame-like level of coincidence his life has been so far.

He heard the sound of his buddy, Tails, who had just managed to reach the roof with those weird tail-propeller things of his. “Sonic I can get it, don’t worry!”

“No Tails, you’re too slow! You won’t be able to get rid of it in time!”

Tails ignored him, heading towards the bomb at a, to Sonic, snail-like pace. But he reached it before it hit the ground. He reached out, grabbed it, and tossed it.

It went barely three feet before exploding. It was high enough to not do more than rattle the building’s windows, but Tails was caught in the blast.

Sonic ran forward, catching Tails as he fell. He could tell it was too late, the blast had done far too much damage. As this wasn’t a Mature Rated universe there was no blood, and in fact Tails only looked dirty, but Sonic could tell he was near death’s door.

“Tails, why? Why tails! Why did you do this!” Sonic shouted.

“I-I had to. You have to...live on. So you can...see the light.”

“What are you talking about little buddy?” Sonic said, unable to stop the tears.

“I know you’re an Atheist. You even have that blog with shadow “Sinner the Hedgesatan” on the Sonic 0666 fansite. But I can’t let you die before reforming your ways. Please, please promise me to try and become a good Christian.”

“I can’t do that Tails, what has God done for me?”

“Luke 9:16.” Tails said weakly. “Taking the five hot dogs and the two bowls of chilli and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and combined them. Then he gave them to the disciples to distribute to the people.”

Sonic’s mouth dropped. “You mean...”

“Yes, Sonic...Jesus...created the chilli dog.” And with that, Tails died.

“Nooooooooo! Tails!” Sonic broke down over his fallen friend. He was there for several minutes (or long enough to sound good without writing an exact time). Then he stood.

Wiping the tears from his eyes he said. “I’ve gotta go...No. I’ve GOD to go fast! To confess my sins. For Tails!”

As the scene faded away and back to Sonic and Shadow, Sonic saw tears in Shadow’s eyes. “You...you understand!?” Sonic shouted hopefully.

And then Shadow broke out into laughter. “That’s pathetic! I had to stop from laughing that whole time. You’re even less worthy of being my imposter than when we first met.” Shadow aimed the gun at Sonic and fired.

Sonic started running, but since becoming Christian he couldn’t go as fast. Speed, he learned, was a creation of the devil to keep people from slowing down and embracing God.

Unfortunately this also made it easy for Shadow to mow Sonic down.

Shadow grinned at Sonic’s corpse. “Looks like YOU’RE too slow. This really HAS been a Good Friday”.

A couple days later, Shadow was eating a stolen turkey (taken from a poor Christian family). A knock on the door sounded.

He got up, belly swollen with the proof of his gluttony, and opened the door. He expected there would be a cop he’d have to deal with.

He didn’t expect to see Sonic, in his Super Sonic form. “W...what? I killed you!”

“Yes, and like Christ, I have risen again!” And then he raised his hand. “Shadow, you’re too blasphemous!”

A holy light shined, and enveloped Shadow entirely, burning the sinner to a crisp.

“And that is the story of why we eat chilli dogs on Easter.”

“But nobody eats chilli dogs on Easter, what even was that story it made no sense? How did he come back, and if God’s all about peace and love why would he vaporize Shadow like that?”

“b**** please, I just wrote a terrible story about a Christian Sonic, you expect me to give it a proper ending?”

“What’s up with this epilogue or whatever this is then? What perspective is this supposed to be, who’s speaking? Are you talking to yourself now?”

“It’s GOD perspective, okay? Now shut up and make me a sandwich.”

“But I’m YOU!”

“Well then I’m gonna make myself a sandwich, this has gone on far too long as it is.”

“This is the laziest story I’ve ever...”

“Silence!”

The End.

Best story ever.
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Susie Newbie

Susie

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i have been convinced to conform and accept the love of God and Sonic the Christhog, i dont like Chili Dogs but i shall eat them for i will try my hardest to become a true Christian being motivated through the passion behind this emotional tale.

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