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Yugioh the Dark Dimension

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#21
MewMew1989

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Honestly, I wish someone took the time to judge my work as thoroughly as Aarikku and Rob_Lucci_CP8 do at Pojo.com. Even a harsh judgment would be preferable to nothing. 

 

Judging has been done this way:

https://www.pojo.biz...d.php?t=1267421

https://www.pojo.biz...d.php?t=1267419

I know, I want people to judge me, it's odd. I don't know if they or other critics read all my previous work (Season 1, Season 2, Season 3 up to this point), but each chapter gets a couple hundred views each, so I guess, maybe. Would be a major plus because it adds context to all my recent chapters.

Sorry I haven't been responding to other fanfics. I am so busy with other things and writing each new chapter is like birthing a new child. I hope my effort at least shows.

I will even recap every chapter I wrote since Season 1 if a critic requests it.


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#22
MewMew1989

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Been working on music theory stuff to try to get something published, so I've had some delays. I should be getting the next duel out within a week or so. 


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#23
MewMew1989

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Finished the next duel. It's going to be truly epic. *whew* It was really hard to do, and I'm still not fully comfortable with Burning Abyss yet.


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#24
MewMew1989

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Duel 13 – Settling the Score

 

 

Maya and Maria truly did not like each other but at least they did each other the courtesy of shaking the other’s hand before starting their duel. “I remember the kindness you showed me last year, hence why I saved you from Seeker when the tournament began.” Maya told her rival in good honor, yet still enjoying a small amount of her mischief at causing Maria slight embarrassment. “But I don’t spare anyone from a barb or two.”

 

Maria looked down on Maya as usual, condescending to remind her that she promised to be serious. But Maya replied in turn, “I’m always serious, and when I joke often I’m deadly serious. You still don’t know how humor works, not that you had the chance to learn much.” Maya glanced at Kaiba long enough for Maria to get the hint.

 

Maria dismissed such trivial remarks. “I don’t care. Let’s duel, now!”

 

“No, let’s not. Why do you want to win this tournament?” Maya paused to let the shocking effect of her words sink in, that someone would be crazy enough to not play a children’s card game at the drop of a hat.  

 

“I want to become the Duel Queen!” Maria affirmed with sternness, yet with a small hesitation. “You must build a tower from the corpses of the vanquished to grasp glory from the heavens!”

 

“No, Xerox Maiden with Eyes of Blue. That’s Kaiba’s answer, as vapid as a blimp and as subtle as a cold brick. I want your answer. Forget Kaiba is here. Pretend only you and your disdain for me exist and answer: why do you want to win?”

 

Maria’s entire face stiffened from cold to freezing, answering coolly, “That is not your business nor will it ever be. You dare insult the person who saved your life.”

 

“I saved yours, goldfish, the debt is repaid.” Maya reminded her. “As much as I hate you, Maria Wight, I do like you. You have a reserve, dignity, elegance, effortless grace I want but can never have, but those qualities aren’t enough for a woman; I told Sophia the same thing. Long ago, before the creation of our universe, the Author created a Kisara 2.0 as the main character, a woman with strong qualities but a wight nonetheless. Don’t be like her. Don’t live and die for an unworthy man.”

 

“You talk like you can influence the will of God.” Maria said.

 

“Perhaps because I am the Devil.” Maya answered.

 

“Then you are deluded, as well as proud and blasphemous.” Maria let her duel disk sing colors of blue and white, preparing the ground for their battle. “No more small talk.”

 

“But games are small talk.” Maya gave her bon mot as her own duel disk readied for their fight. “There is nothing wrong with that.”

 

Maria: 8000 || Maya: 8000

 

MARIA’S TURN: “Play time is over. I Normal Summon Maiden With Eyes of Blue and set a card. I end my turn.” Maria seems to have cloned herself as girl of long silver hair takes her place beside the duelist, both hardly different.

 

MAYA’S TURN: “Wait, are you running a Blue-Eyes Deck? How?” But Maya soon finds the answer to her own question. “Kaiba let you use his data, didn’t he?” And when Maria gives a twinkle of a smile, Maya scoffs. “And people keep telling me blue-eyes white privilege is a lie.”

 

“Maya, you don’t have what it takes to get privileges.”

 

Maya pretends not to hear her; she says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you from your high horse up there.”  

 

“I’m not high, you’re just so low.” Maria retorts.

 

“As low as Hell itself.” Maya let a dangerous light flare in her eyes. “I Normal Summon Tour Guide From the Underworld, using its effect to Special Summon Graffiacane, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss, and overlay them to Xyz Summon Dante, Traveler of the Burning Abyss!” A sprightly coquette train conductor in a tight black outfit arrives with her train on station, bringing with her a fiend with coarse fur and a barbarous snout, before merging together in the overlay network to bring out Dante, the fantastically reimagined medieval warrior poet.

 

“I use Dante’s effect to mill three cards and give it 1500 ATK; now the Graffiacane I detached and Ciriatto, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss I milled activate in the Graveyard: I Special Summon Cagnazzo, Malebranch of the Burning Abyss from the Deck and Graff from the Graveyard. Now, my fiends, attack Kisara 3.0.”

 

Dante raises his sword to slay the sacred virgin as if she was the idol of an infidel, but Maria saves her by using her effect. The maiden clasps Dante’s sword, and with an elvish chant of sorts brings out Blue-Eyes White Dragon from Maria’s Deck. That was before Maya resumed her savage attack, her demons tearing the maiden apart as if they were a wild boar and hound.

 

Maya ends her turn: “I set two cards and activate Scarmiglione, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss from my Graveyard, letting me search for another Burning Abyss monster.”

 

Mathias Blackheart, carefully watching the duel from a safe distance, cannot help but appreciate Maya’s theme. He had always loved the great Dante’s works for his entire life and seeing the Malebranche work as a team refreshed his immortal soul – he had not seen anyone use the Burning Abyss archetype in a long time – but he soon felt a twinge of fear; if his ally used devils to attack an angel, where did his immortal soul stand? Maya would ridicule the idea, no doubt, but his worry did not die.

 

MARIA’S TURN: “I can’t tell you how deeply you disappoint me, Maya,” Maria condemns her. “I expected something more from your ‘top super secret strategy’, not run-of-the-mill Burning Abyss. Like Andy Warhol, all edge, no substance. And like Kaiba, all bluster only to get worfed.”

 

Even Mathias agrees with her, remarking to Maya, “You don’t look like a cock tease but you gave me the bluest balls in literally a hundred years.”

 

Those words trigger something ferocious in Maya, igniting her into a gleeful cackle so shrill and cold it made Pegasus’ blood run cold, lit Kaiba’s eyes with a shade of fear, and raised the back hairs of Matthew’s head. Pegasus and Kaiba could have sworn they heard Bakura’s voice; yes, that voice of the most obscure yet most dangerous of great duelists.

 

Maya sometimes broke into eccentric laughter over some obscure private thought she enjoyed all to herself, and this was no different. “So Maria does have some wit in her. I thought her soul, as an angel’s, was too pure to house the sorrows that bring laughter into the world. My evil charms must be working. Tell me, how does it feel to be human?”

 

Matthew comments bitterly, “If anything, Xiaoyi’s charms must be working. I’ve had enough of parables and riddles for one lifetime, and I swear on my grandfather’s grave I will kill every pretentious moron on this planet!”

 

“Yeah, whatever, dude.” Mathias easily brushes Matthew’s impotent rage aside. Maya doesn’t even pretend to not hear him, letting the villain stew in his own bile.

 

Maria ignores Matthew too. “I play The Melody of Awakening Dragon, discarding a card and adding two Blue-Eyes monsters to my hand. Next, Pre-preparation of Rights. Adding a Ritual Spell and Ritual Monster to my hand. I reveal a Blue-Eyes White Dragon in my hand to Special Summon Blue-Eyes Alternative White Dragon and Dragon Spirit of White, and use their effects to pop Dante and her facedown card.” A greater version of the classic white dragon pokes its head from a magic portal, vaporizing Dante with a burst of its electric breath before fully summoning into view, while a smaller waifish white dragon burns away Maya’s trap…

 

That is, after Maya triggers it. “I play Fire Lake of the Burning Abyss! I destroy Cagna and Cir to destroy your dragons and your facedown card!” And in a flash of white lightning from Maria and a storm of red flames from Maya, the field is made into a barren desert. Only Maria’s classic Blue-Eyes White Dragon remains. Maya activates her Dante, returning Graff from her Graveyard to her hand, Cagna, milling a Burning Abyss Spell Card, and Cir, reviving Scarm from the Graveyard.

 

Disappointed even more, Maya proceeds to summon one of her greatest monsters. “I play Return of the Dragon Lords to revive Blue-Eyes White Dragon, then activate Chaos Form to summon my ultimate beast! Light transforming into darkness, rising from the depths of chaos, forging the path to victory, come forth…!”

 

Maya cuts her off. “Stop your chanting right there! I play Hand Destruction!” Maya’s brief actions stops her rival in her tracks, giving her an opening to throw another verbal dart. “Chanting for an ace monster, really? And I thought I was pretentious. Now, we discard two cards and draw two; that includes your cancer Ritual Monster.” 

 

“Well that came out of left field.” Mathias admits that even he did not see that coming.

 

Kaiba had boiled in rage from Maya’s irreverence throughout the duel and he can control it no longer. “How dare you call my great dragons cancer!”

 

But this aggression does not deter Maya in the least from firing shots back. “But they are cancer, Mr. Aneurism. They’re part of the power creep that is slowly killing Yugioh, majestic wings and grandiose ATK points aside.”

 

“That power creep allowed you to get ahead in Yugioh, you impudent hypocrite. A third rate duelist such as yourself should be at least thankful.”

 

“I promise I’ll send you a gift card as thanks, preferably from a small independent business. Now fold your hand, Maria, your poker face is slipping.”   

 

Maria solemnly discards her hand. “That was a clever way of stopping a Ritual Summon. The only way I can overcome such a tactic is by lucking out.” She draws her new hand, including all the required cards. “And lucked out I did. I Ritual Summon Blue-Eyes Chaos MAX Dragon!” The bright June sky darkens into thunder and lightning as the shadow counterpart of the blue-eyed dragon comes forth.

 

“Oh, Fishstyx! Destiny is cruel.” Maya admits. “But there is danger in taking things at surface value. I activate Blaze Accelerator Reload from my Graveyard; I banish it to mill a Volcanic Scattershot, then use it’s effect!” Maya mills two more Scattershots, allowing all three to rise from the dead to wipe Maria’s entire army.

 

Maria counters Maya’s strategy with her own. “I banish my Return of the Dragon Lords Spell to protect all my dragons!” And true to her word, her army is saved from Maya’s wrath, but not Maria herself; the tsunami of fire crashes into her with a terrifying fury. (Maria LP 8000 à 6500)

 

But Maya has more tricks in her sleeve. “I activate Farfarello, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss, the other card I discarded, to banish your Chaos MAX Dragon!” Her tricky goblin leaps from the netherworld, clasping unto the mighty dragon so much larger than itself, but still makes it disappear.

 

“But I still have the classic Blue-Eyes; now destroy Scarm! Burst Stream of Destruction!” And Maya’s wretched fiend sees a quick end, through it’s trouble-making days are far from over.

 

“I end my turn.” Maria finishes. “But my army increases. I discarded two White Stone of Ancients this turn, letting me Special Summon a third Blue-Eyes White Dragon and a second Blue-Eyes Alternative White Dragon from my Deck!” By this time Maria’s field is full of dragons.

 

All Maya can do is use her measly Scarm again to search for another Burning Abyss monster, and though she betrays a smarmy attitude of breezy insolence she is truly afraid – or was it anxiousness? No. Excitement? No. It was apprehension.

 

Maya sometimes thinks of herself as an opposite, or more accurately a shadow compliment to Yugi. Both are eccentrics who come from obscure backgrounds; both have troubled pasts though Maya bullied while Yugi was bullied; both came, as Mathias said, out of left field to take the gaming world by storm; both are tricksters and cunning strategists, both have vast hidden depths beneath misleading appearances, Yugi appearing meek and mild, gentle as a child, Maya appearing sullen, witty, and impulsive. Maya was even born on the opposite of Yugi’s zodiac sign or some other stupid s*** Jolene would say when shopping at Namaste.

 

And now, like Yugi did thirteen odd years ago, she too faces the most iconic and dangerous dragons in the entire game, with a small chance of survival. Yes, she can dodge such cumbersome beasts with skill, but you can run away an avalanche or trick a giant for only so long. Maria truly is a shadow compliment to Kaiba, and a fine one at that; she never denied her skill

 

But now, practice time is over. Through her wit, her barbs, her teasing, Maya had tested the waters of the engagement, as she always does, and in this manner found the weaknesses in her opponent to exploit. Maya can no longer hold any secrets; she has to bring out the big guns.      


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#25
MewMew1989

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Duel 14 – Shatterpoints

 



Maya’s habits still amaze her at times; for instance how she holds herself back out of fear even when in danger of losing a tournament she cannot afford to lose, and she wonders what Freudian backstory leads to such behavior. Her father can beat her until she bleeds, and has done so more than once. Maria could never touch her.

Or is it Kaiba who is scary? Her father shares Kaiba’s height, his broad shoulders, and ice-cold blue eyes. It doesn’t matter at this point. She’ll hire a shrink after the tournament, when she can use the prize money to actually afford one.

But there is more going on. Maya confirms what she suspected for many years now: Maria wants Kaiba’s love, respect, and approval. But why would she want that? The same reason Maya sought for it in Stella, and failed. Maria will fail too.

 

Maria: 6500 | Maya: 8000


MAYA’S TURN: “I banish Good & Evil of the Burning Abyss in my Graveyard to discard a Burning Abyss monster to add another one from my Deck to my hand. Next, Libicocco, Malebrancho of the Burning Abyss activates in the Graveyard: I Special Summon Graff from my hand. And I use the effect of Barbariccia, Malebranch of the Burning Abyss to Special Summon itself from my hand.” Her two demons fly out from a volcanic geyser from Hell: a burly bearded monster and a beastly dog.

“I discard Fluffal Bear from my hand to set Toy Vendor from my Deck, and activate it; I discard Fluffal Wings from my hand and draw another card.” It was Carboneddon, a non-Fluffal monster, so Maya had to discard it too. Every other duelist in the arena betrayed a mild look of shock, a look Maya didn’t have the time to notice, so engrossed in fulfilling her complex strategy. “And I banish Fluffal Wings from my Graveyard, plus Fluffal Bear, and destroy Toy Vendor to draw two cards. Toy Vendor activates when destroyed, so I search my Deck for Fluffal Bear.”

One engine done, now another one; together they move the entire machine. “I link up Barbar and Graff to Link Summon Cherubini, Black Angel of the Burning Abyss!” Her monsters align in a fiery grid to be sacrificed, and the black cherub, satisfied with Maya’s tributes, rises from the fires of Hell. “Graff now activates. I Special Summon Draghignazzo, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss.” A black-winged fiend with the scales of a black dragon follows the black cherub into the mortal realm in an iron leash.

“I use Cherub to mill Cir to give its ATK a boost.” But such a meager offensive increase is far from my Maya’s objective. “I use Cir’s effect to Special Summon Scarm from the Graveyard. I overlay Draghig and Scarm to Xyz Summon the second Dante, Traveler of the Burning Abyss, and use it’s effect to mill three cards. But I’ll take the evolution further; I discard Malacoda to overlay Dante to Xyz Summon Beatrice, Lady of the Eternal!” As the eternal feminine descends from Heaven to absorb Dante into herself, Maya thinks of Sophia, that beautiful soul, and how that beauty brings Sophia down.

“This is it.” Matthew thinks to himself. “It’s the arch stone of her deck.” But the thought triggered his fragile mind, setting him into a rage as soon as he grasps it’s meaning. He screams at Maya, “Don’t tell me you will not use your Golden God Card this duel! You will not insult me by not dueling at your fullest strength!”

“I won’t need to use a god if I don’t have to.” Maya replies to him in a tone as relaxed and cool as if she is drinking Texas moonshine in a rustic bar. “And how would you know, anyway? Did you read the script?”

“I acknowledge you as my one rival, so you must have a god to rival mine! It’s destiny!”

“Or a cliché plot.”

Mathias tries to whisper to Maya as best as he could from a few meters away, if such a thing is even possible. “Top-say reaking-bay the ourth-fay all-way.”

“Speak Normal.” Maya says. “I can’t understand you.”

Mathias repeats himself, “Diruam non murum quartum et re fabricam destruere.

Maya bats his warning aside. “A quis iocus non nocere.”

Maria can only stare at them quizzicly. “I have no idea what kind of Italian they’re using. Do you know, Seto?”

Kaiba shakes his head. Gozaburo Kaiba, is stepfather, never bothered to school him in the humanities, as he thought they had no purpose to running a multibillion dollar company. Matthew, however, who did learn the wisdom of antiquity from his grandfather, replies, “I understand them perfectly. They’re making a dumb joke.”

Pegasus takes his turn to make a coy comment, the first one in this entire duel. “I’m impressed. The American education system hasn’t failed everyone.”

Now Maya starts her third engine. “I Normal Summon for the first time this turn; come out Illusion Brigadier, and use it’s effect to Special Summon two Illusion Tokens and deal you, Maria, 900 damge.” A hunchebacked fiend stooping from carrying two massive turrets appears and copies itself twice, then all three fiends fire six blasters at Maria. (Maria LP 6500 → 5600) “And now I Tribute the three of them to Special Summon Raviel, Lord Phantasms!” The skies blacken to smoke, lightning shakes the entire pyramid they stood on, threatening to split in two, and a giant diety, a king of fiends and shadow magic, is called forth from the netherworld.

Mathias gasps in surprise. “Illa fregit cerebrum meum.” And everyone else shares the same feeling.

Maya is still not done. “I activate the Field Spell Fallen Paradise!” The dueling arena transformed into a desolate valley, a barren whithered tree towering over the entire group on the side, yet still made bright by the early afternoon sun. “And I use it’s effect: since I control a Sacred Beast monster, I draw two cards.” It is time to battle! “Raviel, destroy Maria’s Alternative Dragon.” The lord of phantasms turns all the shadows around it, made so sharp and black by the bright sun, into living beings that together drag Maria’s white dragon to its grave. (Maria LP 5600 → 4600)

“I activate Fluffal Bear, discarding to set Toy Vendor from my Deck. And I Set three cards facdown. I end my turn, making Scarm activate, meaning I search for a Burning Abyss monster.”

Stella, who silently stood in the corner watching the duel so far, begins to leave the arena. She saw Maya’s strategies, everything she needed to know, and will not dignify Maya with her prescence any more.

“Stella, where are you going?” Maya calls out to her with anxiousness.

Stella says nothing, and Maya changes her tone from anxiety to indignation. “Giving me the silent treatment, huh. What are you, in third grade? Grow the f*** up!”

Stella climbs down the stairs of the pyramid, with Maya hollaring at her, “Do what you will, but I guarantee it will be your loss!”

MARIA’S TURN: “Your terrible fiend does not frighten me. Darkness always triumphs over the light! I banish both White Stone of Ancients in my Graveyard to add two Blue-Eyes monsters to my hand. I activate Pot of Avarice to shuffle the five remaining monsters in my Graveyard back in my Deck to draw two cards. “I activate the two Cards of Consonance I just drew, each one makes me discard a low Level Tuner to draw two cards, which then triggers the two White Stone of Legend in my Graveyard; I banish them and add two Blue-Eyes White Dragon from my Deck to my hand.

All Maria’s cards at this point this turn served to replenish her hand, so she may mount a counterattack. “I Normal Summon The Agent of Creation – Venus!” The first offender appears, a placid and delicate goddess. Maria undertakes a difficult sequence of Link Summoning; she uses Venus’ effect to Special Summon many Mystic Shine Ball from her Deck, and uses them to Link Summon Link Spider and Proxy Dragon afterwards, paying 1500 Life Points in the process. (Maria LP 4600 → 3100) “I link up Venus, a Shine Ball, and Proxy Dragon to Link Summon Firewall Dragon!” The three diverse creatures dissapear so the cyberverse dragon could cross to the physical plane.

Since Maria did Normal Summon a monster, Maya Special Summoned a Phantasm Token to her field, a weak dwarf of its sire. Regardless, ss soon as Firewall Dragon appears, Maria uses its effect, “I bounce your Beatrice back to the Extra Deck.”

Such a play shocks Maya, but she reflexively makes her commands, “I activate Beatrice to mill a card.” The eternal feminine vanishes by Maria’s hand, the irony not lost to Maya. “I detatched Draghig to use Beatrice, so I use its effect to put a Burning Abyss monster at the top of my Deck.”

Once Maya got her bearings together after a few seconds, she understood Maria’s tactic. “Firewall Dragon pointed to Raviel with its Link Arrows, letting it bounce Beatrice, and since she would not be destroyed you got around Cherub’s protection. That was really cool. See, you’re more than Kaiba’s trading card.”

“Thanks for the left-handed compliment, I guess. I reveal Blue-Eyes in my hand to Special Summon Dragon Spirit of White and use it’s effect to pop...”

“You guess what?” Maya says. She set three cards facedown and Maria’s new dragon could only banish one. She took great care to hide Toy Vendor among them, shuffling her cards before setting them all facedown at once. Only one of them can protect her from Maria’s onsluaght, so Maya made it hard to find.

Maya finds the scene amusing; kind of like when Yugi would hide his Dark Magician inside magical hats, forcing Kaiba to play a guessing game. Too bad this guess game is nowhere near as awesome.

Maria tries to read Maya’s mind, pointing at one card, then another, trying to detect any sign of nervouseness, then holds her finger over the middle one. Maya keeps her poker face stiff with a smarmy look she knew would annoy Maria oh so much, and oh how well it worked. “I’ll make give you a hint, Maria. The card on my left is Toy Vendor. Perhaps you should choose a different card.”

“Maria Wight, you have ten more seconds to make a move.” Isono the referree warns her. “Failure means discquialification from the finals.”

Pressured into action, Maria declares, “I banish the middle facedown card!”

“JACKPOT – For me that is! Jar of Avarice!” Maya plays her Trap Card right before it gets erased from existence. “I shuffle five cards in my Graveyard back to the Deck and draw one. Better luck next time with the Monty Hall problem.”

Kaiba turns his already scowling face a shade darker with a grimace. “I can’t believe Maya would use such a cheap trick.”

“If meta duelists can use cheap decks, Kaiba boy, Maya is perfectly entitled to use cheap tricks.” Pegasus gives a sly comment. “Reminds me of the good old days, when I used mind games to utterly control my opponents.”

“And a fair bit of cheating, I might add.” Kaiba reminds him.

“It doesn’t matter! Chaos MAX Dragon, destroy the Phantasm Token!” Maria commands, clearly frazzled. “Eat 6000 damage!”

“Never!” Maya refutes her. “I activate Delta Barrier, bringing back two more from my Graveyard to block all damage!” Her weak token remains standing.

“Firewall Dragon, Dragon Spirit of White, and Blue-Eyes White Dragon, destroy Cherub!” The rest of her dragons open fire, eager to send the fiend back to Hell.

“I use Cherub’s effect. I destroy all Delta Barriers, letting Cherub survive battle three times.” The black cherub bears the brunt of all three attacks, deflecting one after another, but at great cost. The dragon’s combined powers hit her hard, almost throwing her out of the arena, the impact of her already broken ribs on the ground sears her with a piercing pain, as if her chest and back are being stabbed by countless knives. (Maya LP 8000 → 1500)

Maya is more than hearty enough to take such a hit, and even when smashed against the ground and in extreme pains, she still sings Maria’s praises for nearly killing her with such mighty attack, though she makes a codetta, “I am never this well-behaved in a duel. I must still feel crushed by my debt to you. How annoying.” But what truly hurts her is not the petty pain in her body but the fact Stella left.


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#26
MewMew1989

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Duel 15 – Tighter Knots
 


Maya struggles to stand on her feet, her knees wobbling and her chest burning from her fractures ribs, but she forces her way onward. She cannot lose this tournament. She might as well die if she had to because if she loses she won’t have a life, anyway. Maya even realizes the humor in these words; people would laugh if any other Yugioh character said it, and maybe some would even laugh at her, but she needs the money more than anything. The banks would use her crushing debts to drive her homeless and, well, she might as well striptease or turn tricks for Wall Street stockbrokers, but as enticing as the thought of a rich a****** snorking coke from her ass seems to her, it is not a fate she will tolerate.

 

Maria: 4600 | Maya: 1500


MAYA’S TURN: “I play Jewels of the Valient; each time I banish a card from my Graveyard, I get a mill a card. Dark Summoning Beast gives me the perfect opportunity; I banish it to add a Sacred Beast monster to my hand, and this lets me mill a Carboneddon. Next, the Permanent Spell Card Triangle Force, putting three more from my Deck to the field, and I destroy them all to Special Summon Hammon, Lord of Striking Thunder. I offer my Phantasm Token to Tribute Summon my second Dark Summoning Beast, and Tribute it to Special Summon Uria, Lord of Searing Flames from my Deck!”

The bright sky broils into dark clouds yet again, hailing the dark advent of two more huge fiendish beasts; all three together resembling the three Egyptian Gods: Raviel for Obelisk, Uria for Ositis, and Hammon for Ra. “I activate Fallen Paradise to draw two cards, and I use Uria’s effect to pop Maria’s faecdown card.” The red fiend of illusions blasts away its target with a gust of flames. “I combine the Sacred Beasts together – I don’t need Polymerization to fuse them. – I call form Armityle the Chaos Phantom!” Raviel, Uria, and Hammon melt into each other, their limbs and organs fusing together into a serpentine body, Uria’s head becoming the left arm and Hammon’s head becoming the right, creating the ultimate illusion beast.

Mathias himself gases at the ancient creature in wonder. Maya’s titan truly calls back to the dark mystic past before the gods of Olympus and their era of Apollo’s glowing beauty. It is the closest embodiment to Typhon he can think of, holding ginormous 10,000 ATK!

Maya is still yet to fisnish. “I have two Carboneddon sleeping in the Graveyard; I banish them to Special Summon two Dragons from my Deck: Labradorite Dragon and Wattail Dragon.” As carbon is forged into diamond, Maya’s two lowly dinosaurs are ground under immense pressure to create two rare, bejewled dragons, one of light, the other of darkness.

Maria knows what will happen next; Maya will bring out the same Tzolkin combo Matthew did in his duel, and says as much to suggest Maya is not so inventive after all. But Maya dismisses the suggestion outright, “No, I am being even less inventive.”

She calls once more upon Beatrice, Lady of the Eternal, this time two dragons rather than Dante become the Xyz Material. “I use her effect to mill Calabrina, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss, and use its effect to bounce your other facedown card.” And Maya’s target vanishes in due time. “Two down, one to go. I’ll burn the last one out with an attack! Raviel, destroy Chaos MAX Dragon! Eat 10,000 ATK for afternoon brunch!”

Marai springs her trap, “Negate Attack!” And the phantom’s beasts onslaight is repelled, sparing Maria and her monsters.

“I expected as much.” Maya bemoans. “I set two cards and end my turn.”

Seto Kaiba, scowling and unreadable as ever, surveys the battle in a way he had never done before; there is something very new at work. Nearly every duelist until now, himself included, built their decks as a pyramid, their strategies culminating into an ace monster they held a special bond with, such as his Blue-Eyes White Dragon; his stronest servant, his very pride and soul. Everything revolves around that monster, or a few key monsters, creatures that a duelist puts all his faith in carry him to victory.

But Maya’s entire strategy is inverted; her deck a spider web of equally interconnected parts, with Beatrice as the spider in the middle, her gravity holding everything else together. From that center, Maya can reach into any corner of her web to achieve any effect she desires; there is no true ace monster. Kaiba saw only a few such atheists back in his day: Pegasus turned whatever cards his opponent used against him, Bakura used his monsters as fodders to achieve a terrifying lock combo, even Yugi used various strategies where his Dark Magician was a favorite but one of many. To think people worship that twerp but completely miss his gaming style.

Kaiba snorts at Maya’s performance with contempt, “The Sacred Beasts are bootleg copies of the Egyptian Gods at best, the poor man’s form of divine strength. What is Armityle’s 10,000 ATK compared to the Infinite ATK of the Gods fused together?

MARIA’S TURN: “I activate Trade-In, discard a Blue-Eyes to draw two cards. Maya, your Armityle is strong but only during your turn. Now, on my turn, its ATK is 0. Chaos MAX, destroy Armityle! DARK NOVA!”

But the light-warming destructive energy never reaches it’s target. Maya refutes her with Fiend Grieving, “I return the Blue-Eyes you discarded to your Deck, and I mill Fiendish Rhino Warrior, which lets me mill Farfarello, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss, and I use it’s effect.”

“That won’t save you! Even if Chaos MAX is banished I still – Oh!” Armityle dissapears, leaving Maria to still adjust her eyes to the titanic-sized voide left behimd from it’s dissapearence. “I instead direct Chaos MAX to kill Beatrice, and since she is in Defense Position I inflict double piercing damage!”

“I use Beatrice’s effect to mill Scarm, and I play Damage Diet!” Maya’s fair angel is vaporized, leaving the offending dragon’s wrath to pursue its true mission, but the Trap Card slows it down enough until only a mild blast hits Maya. Getting punched in the ribs doesn’t hurt – Getting punched in the broken ribs doesn’t hurt! (Maya LP 1500 → 300)

But though Maya barely hangs on the game, she still shows her infinite resiliance. “Beatrice was destroyed, letting me Special Summon directly from the Extra Deck Dante, Pilgrim of the Burning Abyss!” Dante returns, completed by Beatrice, his journey to God complete. “With his arrival, I discard Ciriatto, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss and draw a card, then use its effect to Special Summon Graffiacane, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss from the Deck.” Her old fiend, the nasty dog, returns, making a painful contrast with the great pilgrim.

An understanding dawns on Maria; that this scene of devout and devil forms the core of Maya’s character, but the devil tugs on its leash as a rougue hound, tearing its noble but weak master to wherever its caprices demand it must go. A similar insight reveals itself to Mathias. Yugioh really is a strange game.

Maria sees another fatal weakness in Maya’s forces: her Cherub; being a Link Monster, it can’t defend itself. “Firewall Dragon, attack Cherub!” The online dragon creates a gateway, then launches from it a deadly virus code to kill the black cherub.

But Maya has more tricks up her nonexistent sleeve, activating, “Absolute King Back Jack! Banishing it from the Graveyard, I excavate my Deck’s top card, and if it’s a Trap Card...” If there is such a thing as the Heart of the Cards, Maya could sure use it now, and she prayed to God/Satan/Buddha/Flying Spaghetti Monster/Great Spirit/Orochi the Neckbeard/The Universe/No One/Whatever it would be the right card. She drew it... “I play Raigeki Break!” She discards a card from her hand, and directs the lightning to destroy her own monster, breaking her black cherub. And as if that isn’t enough, she mills another card due to Valient.

Maya breathes a deep sigh of relieve and winks at Maria, saying, “I needed a lucky break too.”

Maria reluctantly admits that Maya survives another turn. “Blue-Eyes, destroy Dante! Dragon Spirit of White, destroy Graff!” Saint and fiend burn to ash, letting Maya use their effects: Dante forces Maria to discard a card while Graff lets Maya Special Summon Calcabrine, Malebrache of the Burning Abyss, yet another Fiend, to the field. Maria sets two cards, ending her turn, which lets Armityle to return and Scarmiglione, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss to fetch yet another Burning Abyss monster for its master.

MAYA’S TURN: “I activate my facedown Toy Vendor, the one I set facedown two turns ago, then activate Fluffal Wings, banishing itself and Fluffal Bear, and popping Toy Vendor, to draw two cards. Then I use Vendor’s effect to search for Fluffal Dog.”

Now for the turn proper. “I Normal Summon Rubicante, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss, and tune it with Calcab to Synchro Summon Dante, Rock Star of the Burning Abyss! And I use its effect to bounce your facedown card.” The red-faced terror and grace-stomper vanish into a white portal so the famous Roman poet descends from Elysium to Earth, and as soon as he does so Maria loses one of her defenses. “I use Destiny Hero – Malicious from the Graveyad, banishing itself to bring out another one from the Deck, then I overlay it and Virgil to bring out a second Beatrice, Lady of ther Eternal!”

As soon as the holy angel finishes her advent, Maya turns her attention to a possible victory, but most likely, as Maya fully knows, a strategic step to burn out her defenses. Not having a backrow of facedown cards did not guarantee a sucessive hit these days. “Armityle, take out Chaos MAX!” The titan combines darkness, fire, and lightning to recreate the dark primeval waters of myth, and pushes them unto Maria’s field as a massive tital wave, threatening to overwhelm everything.

“I play the Hand Trap Soul Desperation!” Maria calls forth a huge black altar, her tone as desperate as her card implies, offering her entire dragon army to the hungry altar, leaving her wide open but increasing her Life enough to withstand the dark waters of Armityle... and the light fires of Beatrice. (Maria LP 4600 → 16600 → 4100) The combined attacks become so strong, Maria is nearly thrown off the arena, only saving herself at the last moment by grabbing the ledge for dear life, dangling like a rag doll. Maria, however, is lucky enough not to have endured having her ribs broken, her flesh bruised, or her conscience racked with stress and guilt; and she gets back to fight with a resiliance that even impresses Maya.

Maya even comments, “This is probably the longest, most high level, most exciting duel I ever had. I will kill Stella if she doesn’t deliver a duel at least as good as yours.”

“Assuming you win.” Maya says, chastizing Maya for her arrogance.

“Don’t get your hopes up. I claimed a huge field advantage after much struggle. You can drag the duel on until the heat death of the universe, but I will win in the end. Unless you’re Yugi, no amount of ass pulls will save you.”

MARIA’S TURN: “That’s where you’re wrong, Maya. I just drew Dragon’s Mirror, and I play it to banish all three dead Blue-Eyes to Fusion Summon Neo Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon!” Three spirits, dragons of white, merge through a looking glass, and the triple-headed king of dragons manifests from the other side. “Neo Blue-Eyes, attack Armityle!”

Maya, at most expressing mild surprise, defends herself with ease. “I activate Beatrice, to mill another Farfarello, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss, and use its effect to banish your dragon this turn.” And Maya’s goblin grabs hold of the dragon, transorting itself and the gigantic beast far away from the battlefield.

Frustrated, Maria moves on to a second plan. “I play Melody of Awakening Dragon. I discard a card and add 2 High Level dragons to my hand. I end my turn.” Maria knows she’s on the ropes. Yes, she has a powerful monster, and more Life, and only needs to hit Maya with one attack to win the duel, but she feels as if she is losing. “Why?” She thinks to herself, but she soon understands. Maya’s Deck is, ironically, more consistent. She knows how to access her entire Deck at a given point. Maria can only make her hand bigger.

Maya, on the other hand, knows it is time to make her true assault, now Maria was vulnerable enough to penetrate. She suspected Maria’s fatal weakness for a long time, but only now, in this duel, could she say for certain. “It makes perfect sense now.” Maya pretends to speak to herself, just loud enough for Maria to hear her.

“What do you mean?” Maria asks.

“At first I thought you used a Blue-Eyes Deck simply because you weren’t creative, but it is obvious that you are creative and intelligent, too much so to practically netdeck Kaiba. I wondered why, and thought of the drunk fun we had together last year, and it dawned on me. You truly love Kaiba and want him to love you in return, but your frustration will last forever. It’s desperate. It’s pathetic. You have ‘Please notice me, sempai!’ writ all over you.”

“Quiet!” Maria shouts more loudly than she ever shouted in her entire life. “Enough of your lies, you fiend! You manipulative, callous, destructive...” Maria summons the most hateful word she can think of. “Jerk!”

“Yes, I’m a cocksure sarcastic b**** who is as funny as Amy Shumer, I know.” Maya assures her. “But I know that pain; I felt it with Yukio.” And she feels it with Sophia, but she doesn’t say it. “All you can do is stand strong on your two feet, and you certainly can, Maria. Kisara is, for all intents and purposeses, Kaiba’s companion cube, but you are not Kisara, and even if by some wierd accident of reincarnation you are, you are far stronger than that. Don’t be the innocent waif possessed by the dragon, be the dragon!”

Maria remains unmoved, at least at the surface. “As if a left-handed compliment isn’t bad enough, you now condescend to me.”

“Hey, it’s your life.” Maya shrugs. “If you want to depend on someone else for your happiness, that’s your problem, but have no illusions. You will be no better than the millions of girlfriends and wives abused every day, and as someone who was abused, I can assure you there is nothing romantic about a moody, jealous boyfriend.”


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#27
MewMew1989

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Duel 16 – Full Jump
 

 
Kaiba, who stood watching Maya’s and Maria’s encounter has enough. “Maria, cease talking to Maya at once!” He orders her. “Maya’s using her forked tongue to shatter our bond. Don’t you dare give in to that snake! Only the weak use psychological tricks instead of the powerful monsters who choose their rightful duelists. That fact will decide your victory over this reptile! Make her rue the day she ever picked up a duel disk!”
 
“Um, hello?” Mathias points to himself. “One of the world’s greatest over here. Screws with people’s minds all the time. Beat Kaiba a few years back. Fanboys still hate me for that.”
 
Maya brushes Kaiba’s threats aside with a comical swipe of her hand, as if the threats are literal pests. “Yes, yes, the luck of the strong, might makes right, destiny chooses the winner, all those fallacies aside. Bourgeois gamers pretending to be feudal overlords would amuse Marx until he is red in the face, before making his head explode.”

 


Maria: 4100 | Maya: 300

 

MAYA’S TURN: “4500 ATK is impressive but it’s only appetizer compared to the main course. Armityle, attack Neo Blue-Eyes!” The phantom king conjures another wave of dark chaotic waters, but Maria is prepared.
 
“I activate Rescuer from the Grave, and banish five cards from my Graveyard!” A new wave of water, one from the global flood, challenges the dark tsunami, crashing its attack to a standstill.
 
“Hmm, this is a problem. I set a card facedown.” Maya mutters under her breath.
 
MARIA’S TURN: “Your Armityle is now weak with 0 ATK, as it is my turn. Kill it, Neo Blue-Eyes, and win me the duel!” Its three heads join forces to fire one neutron blast.
 
“I activate Beatrice!” Maya says, detaching its last Xyz Material. “I mill Electromagnetic Turtle, now banish it from the Graveyard to activate it!” Maria’s dragon swings at Maya with the strongest force of all of Maria’s dragons, but the electromagnetic barrier surrounding Maya disperses it, similar to how the Earth’s field defends itself from solar winds. “As my Turtle banished itself, I activate Jewels of the Valient, milling a Glow-Up Bulb.”
 
“Wait, why would you use Glow-Up Bulb of all monsters in a Burning Abyss Deck?” And the third epiphany this duel hits her like a rock, though to be fair Maya has her fair share of head bruises. “Oh no! Oh no!!!”
 
MAYA’S TURN: “I play Pot of Acquisitiveness, returning 3 banished cards to my Deck to draw 2, and activate my Set Trap Jar of Avarice, recycling 5 cards in my Graveyard to draw 2. Now, Monster Reborn! Revive Cherubini!” The black cherub resurrects through Egyptian magic.
 
“Beatrice is my guide this duel, but she has fulfilled her purpose; I link her with Cherubini to Link Summon Spadiavolo, Swordsman of the Burning Abyss!” A new, exceedingly wicked devil makes its entrance, wielding a huge broadsword to cut sinners to pieces. “I Normal Summon Fluffal Dog and Special Summon Glow-Up Bulb from the Graveyard with its effect, and I tune it with Fluffal Dog to Synchro Summon Naturia Beast!” Weevil jumps for joy at seeing one of his favorite monsters make a cameo. “Armityle, attack Neo Blue-Eyes!” Maya orders.
 
“No! I banish five cards to activate Rescuer from my Graveyard! ” But Maya mills two cards from her Deck so her Beast can negate Maria’s magic with its own. Maria banishes more cards to activate her Spell Card again, and Maya negates it in kind, carrying the cycle through until Maria has no cards left to banish, though it does somewhat injure Maya’s Deck. Armityle finally has the last laugh, overwhelming Neo Blue-Eyes with its tidal forces.
 
But Maria is not gone yet. “I activate Counterlife!” She receives no damage and instead the shattered remains of her dragon sublimate into healing energy, granting her new Life. (Maria LP 4100 à 8600)
 
“You’re not safe from my wrath, Maria! Naturia Beast, maul her!” Maya’s beast assaults its prey under its master’s command. “I attack with Spadiavolo, and mill four Burning Abyss monsters to increase its ATK!” Four demons from Hell emerge from the sulfurous pit, their evil spirits infesting their new host body, but rather than suffering the swordsman fiend only doubles in strength. Maria gasps; it has 4000 ATK! “WATCH THIS! Devil’s Revolution!” The fiend mercilessly cuts loose into Maria, the force of its strength battering her in a wild gust of filthy wind; Maya laughs horribly the whole time. (Maria LP 8600 à 2400)
 
“I activate Barbarriccia, Malebranche of the Burning Abyss, banishing itself and 2 more of its kind to dish out your just deserts!” Three of Maya’s fiends emerge from the Graveyards as flaming ghosts to burn a little bit of Maria’s flesh. (Maria LP 2400 à 1500) And in one fell swoop Maya equalizes the game. “Had enough punishment yet, Maria? I told you, I will grind you down in due time! The hourglass to your death is ticking!”
 
“But hourglasses don’t tick.” Maria almost collapses to the ground, sweating and gasping for air. Maya’s attack was too much; her vision begins to get blurry.  
 
Maya looks she cannot care less of Maria’s suffering. “This is how 6000 odd damage feels like. Contrapasso is a b****. I set a card facedown, now it’s your turn to hopelessly struggle.”
 
MARIA’S TURN: “I set a card facedown. Maya, make no mistake; I will win this duel.”
 
“No, you will not, Maria.” Maya rebukes her as sternly as she has ever done before. “You fight for a man’s love. I fight for my life. No amount of Twilight romance or Happy Potter love will overcome a woman’s desperate struggle for survival.”
 
“Wow, what a hardass.” Kaiba comments with stinging sarcasm.
 
“Please, ‘Kaiba boy’.” Maya shoots at him darts of her own. “You sound more like a Nietzsche fanboy than I ever could.”
 
Pegasus chuckles to himself in amusement. “Honestly, Kaiba boy. You would do better with Maya than ever with Maria. Your temperaments match and, I dare say, I can taste the belligerent sexual tension all the way over here.”
 
“EW NO!!!” Maya shrieks, curling away at the very thought as a vampire exposed to sunlight.
 
“Say that one more time and I will kill you.” Kaiba growls at Pegasus. “You have been warned.”
 
Is Pegasus intimidated by such a threat? Nope! He replies with, “And what then, Kaiba boy? Not even Kaibacorp could endure the years of litigation that would descend on your ass the instant you lay one hard hand on one soft hair on my head.”
 
MAYA’S TURN: “By all means, keep struggling, Maria. If I indeed am a reptile, then you are a baby bird, and nothing like moving prey more excites a reptile to hunt. Monsters, attack!”
 
Maria blocks the assault, “Return from the Different Dimension!” Cutting her Life in half to return her three Blue-Eyes White Dragons back to the field.
 
Grunting, Maya calls off her titan’s attack, sets a card facedown, and ends her turn, letting Maria’s dragons become banished once more. Better to have a Blue-Eyes banished then in the Graveyard.
 
MARIA’S TURN: She places her hand on her duel disk, almost ready to surrender, but pushes herself onward. If she lost the duel, everything would be ruined, and she cannot let that happen, no matter what! She pleads to the spirit of Atem, the great pharaoh, to lead her to victory. She draws her card.
 
“I play Monster Reborn to resurrect Neo Blue-Eyes!” True to her word, her dragon rises from its tomb in a miraculous comeback. “Neo Blue-Eyes destroy the fiend Armityle, and grant me victory!” And her dragon delivers its last assault.
 
Maya reacts on cue, “I trigger Hate Buster! Our monsters die and you lose 4500 Life!”
 
“That won’t happen! Card Guard!” Maya discards a card in her hand, the storm of hellfire expands outward from Armityle and rages over the entire field. Maya counters with her Naturia Beast, but Maria is prepared even for that. “I discard Effect Veiler to negate your Beast! My dragon is safe.” The king of phantoms burns away in its hateful fury but a floating shield spares Neo Blue-Eyes its life. “In want of a new target, Neo Blue-Eyes, assault Spadiavolo!” And it continues its assault.
 
“I activate Phoenix Wing Wind Blast!” Maya declares in her final refutation this duel, discarding a card from her hand. Maria’s great dragon bursts into flame, but rather than being destroyed, it rises up and away as a phoenix taking flight, returning to the Extra Deck.
 
Maria collapses to her knees in despair. “I lost. Just finish me off already.”
 
MAYA’S TURN: “I draw!” But she pauses. As Maria said, she lost. Maya had already crushed her spirit. There is no point in torturing her any more. Her bloodlust satisfied, Maya calms down, breathing deeply a few times, her flaring temper snuffing out, letting all holograms dissipate on their own.

 


Maria: 0 | Maya: 300

 

Maya offered her fallen rival a hand, saying, “I know I’m a terrible person, but at least I am fair. All potshots aside, you are an amazing duelist, the strongest one I have ever faced in my life, and had I not been forced to evolve in my skills you would have easily defeated me. Though trying to get someone to like you is foolhardy and insulting to your humanity, any man who is not a fool should at least treat you with admiration and respect.”
 
Maria, as much as she still hated Maya, took her hand, using it to stand up. Pegasus, Mathias, even Rex and Weevil gave warm applause for the great game they just bore witness to, certain it would be saved for posterity. Meanwhile, Matthew seethed in rage as ever and Kaiba remained dead silent, sinking his head in shame.
 
Maria jumped down the arena to embrace Kaiba. “I know I lost the duel, Seto, but I dueled so well; everyone thinks so.”
 
Kaiba pushed her away in disgust. “You lost to a dreg using a Blue-Eyes Deck, a terrible humiliation I can never forgive you for. Get out of my sight, loser dog.”
 
Maria, upon hearing those words, shrank away, heartbroken, but shed no tears, showing nothing more than a look of vague disgust. “I hoped you had actual human emotions above ambition, resentment, and greed; I thought you had something deeper within you than selfish frustration, but I was wrong. Goodbye.” And the couple parted.
 
Pegasus mimicked a burning noise on his finger. “That was savage.”
 
“Couldn’t think of anything better. “All I could do is make some lame joke comparing Seto Kaiba to Donald Trump, though it would be pretty funny to watch them duel. Hmm, wonder what kind of Deck Trump would use.”
 
“ENOUGH!” Kaiba roared as a lion, the full power of his temper exploding, quickly straddling himself on the duel arena. “I have tolerated enough of your insults during the duel, but no more, dirty trash! You dare mock my Blue-Eyes White Dragon, I will beat you down so bad you will walk sideways for the rest of your life!” He readied his duel disk, his intentions clear to everyone.
 
Maya did likewise. “Look at that temper, big guy! Wanna’ screw me over like you did your ex already, huh? Talk about a pure deep love affair!”
 
“Stop this instant!” Pegasus ordered, but neither duelist listened, so everyone else took it upon themselves to persuade the two fighters to cease their quarrel, an affair that lasted for five tense minutes. Maya and Kaiba stepped down, an decision that disappointed every Yugioh fan in the world, but one that was for the best.
 
Isono the referee declared, on schedule, “All surviving duelists will now commence a thirty minute break, wherein afterwards Matthew Carter will duel Mathias Blackheart and Svanhildur Minervudottir will duel Marina Bozuslowsky. Surviving duelists are free to alter their decks as they see fit during this time period.”
 
And so, exeunt al.     


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#28
MewMew1989

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CREATED CARDS:

 

MARIA’S CARDS:

 

Soul Desperation

Counter Trap

·      You can activate this card from your hand if you control no Spell or Trap cards.

·      Destroy all monsters you control and gain Life Points equal to their combined ATK.

 

Counterlife

Normal Trap

·      When your opponent’s monster attacks your monster: activate this card just before the damage step.

·      You take no battle damage this turn. Gain Life Points equal to the ATK of your monster, then destroy your monster.

 

MAYA’S CARD:

 

Spadiavolo, Swordsman of the Burning Abyss

DARK/Fiend/Link 3/ATK 2000/Top, Bottom Left, Bottom Right

·      Monsters this card points to cannot be destroyed by card effects.

·      Once per turn, if this card battles: send up to 4 Burning Abyss monsters from your hand, field, or Deck to the Graveyard. This card gains 500 ATK for each one during the damage step only.


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#29
Dr. Cakey

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GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

I can see why nobody comments on this. Aside from the fact this forum is all but dead, I mean. The writing level​ of this story is much higher than that of its peers, but the actual writing quality​ and mastery of language is about the same. For example, here's a thing from the prologue:

 

Seto Kaiba...stood tall with his shoulders crossed as a bronze memorial statue...

"Seto Kaiba stood tall" is a perfectly acceptable sentence, but the rest is...problematic. First of all, his shoulders are crossed rather than his arms. I'm not quite sure what crossing one's shoulders looks like, but I don't think it's possible while alive. As for the second prepositional phrase, 'as' just plain doesn't belong there; the correct word is 'like'. In its current position, "as like a bronze memorial statue" is modifying "with his shoulders arms crossed", whereas I assume it's supposed to be modifying "Kaiba stood tall", in which case it should be moved. "Kaiba stood tall like a bronze memorial statue", "Like a bronze memorial statue, Kaiba stood tall", and even "Kaiba stood tall, his arms crossed, like a bronze memorial statue" are all options. It's unclear what 'bronze' is here for; seeing as Kaiba is light-skinned and wearing a silver jacket, there's nothing bronze about him, though they generally don't make impressive statues out of tin. A copy editor could probably quibble about 'memorial statue', as well as the inordinate length of the sentence as a whole, but that's above my paygrade. Because my paygrade is zero.

 

I usually have nothing to comment on when I read a story on here, but in this case I probably have something to say about every single sentence. You say you don't like the style of novels but, like Oedipus, your attempt to escape destiny has only resulted in its fulfillment (I can reference the classics too). This is, to use the terminology of the vulgar masses, the noveliest novel to ever novel. What I've read - just the prologue and first chapter, because the first chapter kind of killed me - is deeply passive, very novel-y and not at all visual, overflowing with sentence after sentence of thoughts and other interiority. Along with that, the story engages in one of the hallmarks of bad fanfiction - introducing each and every character with a long, detailed description of their appearance.

 

I actually don't like being negative, and every time I start reading somebody's story I resolve to be more positive and upbeat. It never sticks. The closest I can come is some advice. I think fanfic isn't your medium. An original story might be able to gel better with your...let's call it a 'literary' writing style, though your own word - pretentious (in the actual meaning of the word) - works too. Dropping the Family Guy-esque referential humor would probably be for the best as well.

 

Okay, of everything I said, being compared to Family Guy probably offended you more than anything else.

 

 

I guess I should try to end with something positive, so...f*** yeah, eating eyeballs. That's awesome. Totally my jam.

 

EDIT: i already regret this post


vukiayN.jpg


#30
MewMew1989

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You bothered to comment, so I'm cool. Please write more.


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#31
MewMew1989

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Anyway, a serious response is in order whether or not @not_a_car replies back.
 
To @not_a_car: thank you for a thorough and honest reply.
 

The writing level​ of this story is much higher than that of its peers, but the actual writing quality​ and mastery of language is about the same.

 
I get the comment about quality, but what do you exactly mean by level? Are you referring to the overall structure of the story such as character development and plot, or something else entirely?
 

I usually have nothing to comment on when I read a story on here, but in this case I probably have something to say about every single sentence. You say you don't like the style of novels but, like Oedipus, your attempt to escape destiny has only resulted in its fulfillment (I can reference the classics too). This is, to use the terminology of the vulgar masses, the noveliest novel to ever novel. What I've read - just the prologue and first chapter, because the first chapter kind of killed me - is deeply passive, very novel-y and not at all visual, overflowing with sentence after sentence of thoughts and other interiority. Along with that, the story engages in one of the hallmarks of bad fanfiction - introducing each and every character with a long, detailed description of their appearance.


Perhaps I should have been more specific. I dislike the general style of modern novels and modern writing style in general. The writing structure of novels, unlike poetry for instance, is very loose, and so most novels come across to me as a mesh of characters talking to each other in clunky dialogue and doing superfluous things that don't really add to the overall meaning of the story. 
 
Modern English writing is gutted by the rules of Standard Edited American English and other modern standards of writing. Writers of older times are "sloppier" (such as being full of long sentences our editors would not approve of) but their main concern was linking ideas together to create a solid whole. Many modern writers seem, to me at least, seem bound by the need to be "clear and simple".
 
For example, I like the Harry Books in general, but there are certain points where I dislike the writing.  Here is an example of something in Harry Potter style, a dialogue I made up with a little exaggeration to make my point clearer:
 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
 
Harry stared. A large tawny own flew through the dark creaking door. It perched itself on a large tree branch. It stared back at Harry with an inquisitive look as if it wanted to ask him something.  
 
"I think it wants something." Harry said.
 
"What?" Ron ejaculated loudly. 
 
"Obviously." Hermione quipped. 
 
She had a stern face, her bushy brown hair even bushier then before. She hit Harry and Ron over the head with a broomstick for being so stupid. 
 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
 
Feel free to ridicule my bad writing as much as you want, but I want to escape that kind of style. My last two stories are indeed in the modern novel style, something I dislike, and I'm trying to write something that flows better, has a powerful drive, but smooth and detailed as well. To be honest, I dislike the overall form of the novel itself but, as long as I write fanfics, I am condemned to write novels, no matter the writing style.
 

I actually don't like being negative, and every time I start reading somebody's story I resolve to be more positive and upbeat. It never sticks. The closest I can come is some advice. I think fanfic isn't your medium. An original story might be able to gel better with your...let's call it a 'literary' writing style, though your own word - pretentious (in the actual meaning of the word) - works too. Dropping the Family Guy-esque referential humor would probably be for the best as well.

 

I want to write my own non-Yugioh stuff pretty badly, but I want to finish my Yugioh series first. I spent over ten years on this project and there is no way in Hell I will cut it short midway. In the meantime, I use it as training wheels to explore different writing ideas. And I really like Family Guy, and I love humor and satire; and I am exploring that area too. Yes, I'm a pretentious twat, but I'd rather be that than Dan Brown, who is also a pretentious twat but at least I deal with real ideas, however badly, instead of Illuminati thriller bullshit. 


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#32
Dr. Cakey

Dr. Cakey

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I get the comment about quality, but what do you exactly mean by level? Are you referring to the overall structure of the story such as character development and plot, or something else entirely?

I used 'writing' to describe both 'level' and 'quality' for aesthetic effect; the term I should have used is "reading level". The difficulty of the vocabulary, the complexity of the sentences, and so on. As in, The Butter Battle Book is at a kindergarten reading level, and The Last of the Mohicans is at a high school reading level. But in terms of prose quality, Dr. Seuss is one of the great wordsmiths of the 20th century, while James Fennimore Cooper wrote slush.
 
That's what I meant when I said the writing reading level was higher, but felt the actual quality of the prose was not.
 

Modern English writing is gutted by the rules of Standard Edited American English and other modern standards of writing. Writers of older times are "sloppier" (such as being full of long sentences our editors would not approve of) but their main concern was linking ideas together to create a solid whole. Many modern writers seem, to me at least, seem bound by the need to be "clear and simple".

Well, I'll take competence over ambition any day, so "clear and simple" sounds pretty good to me. But I do agree contemporary English is getting a bit dull. And I do like a good comma splice. But I think there's a bit of dissonance where on the one hand you mention the tightness and economy of poetry, while on the other you want to spill lots and lots of ink. The two ideas seem contradictory to me. 
 

Harry stared. A large tawny own flew through the dark creaking door. It perched itself on a large tree branch. It stared back at Harry with an inquisitive look as if it wanted to ask him something.  
 
"I think it wants something." Harry said.
 
"What?" Ron ejaculated loudly. 
 
"Obviously." Hermione quipped. 
 
She had a stern face, her bushy brown hair even bushier then before. She hit Harry and Ron over the head with a broomstick for being so stupid.

It's been a very long time since I've cracked open a Harry Potter book, so my memories have pretty much faded into void, but I'm sure J.K. Rowling knew that using 'ejaculated' as a synonym for 'said' is punishable by death in most developed nations. This snippet also reads a lot like parts of chapter 1 of this story, which makes sense considering you wrote it.
 

I want to write my own non-Yugioh stuff pretty badly, but I want to finish my Yugioh series first. I spent over ten years on this project and there is no way in Hell I will cut it short midway.

I can't spend ten hours​ on a project without abandoning it, so I do admire your dedication.


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MewMew1989

MewMew1989

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I used 'writing' to describe both 'level' and 'quality' for aesthetic effect; the term I should have used is "reading level". The difficulty of the vocabulary, the complexity of the sentences, and so on. As in, The Butter Battle Book is at a kindergarten reading level, and The Last of the Mohicans is at a high school reading level. But in terms of prose quality, Dr. Seuss is one of the great wordsmiths of the 20th century, while James Fennimore Cooper wrote slush.

 
 
Fair point. What do you think of the story behind the words (character development, plot, conflict, the duels etc.)? That, to me, is the most important thing. For instance, I spent a few months drafting the characters before I wrote the first chapter.
 

Well, I'll take competence over ambition any day, so "clear and simple" sounds pretty good to me. But I do agree contemporary English is getting a bit dull. And I do like a good comma splice. But I think there's a bit of dissonance where on the one hand you mention the tightness and economy of poetry, while on the other you want to spill lots and lots of ink. The two ideas seem contradictory to me.

 
 
That's precisely why I like poetry, classic rhetoric, epics etc. because the structure disciplines my autistic rage (I have Aspergers, so I'm allowed to make fun of myself). The novel is so loose I spill everywhere, though you should see my two older stories. I spent about 8 to 10 Word pages per chapter in the old stories. Now I spend only 4 to 5 Word pages on a chapter; an improvement. It would be pretty funny and epic if I wrote the next story in iambic pentameter, just to see how it would look like, which could work. Like Millennium World, there will be very few duels book 4 onwards. 
 

It's been a very long time since I've cracked open a Harry Potter book, so my memories have pretty much faded into void, but I'm sure J.K. Rowling knew that using 'ejaculated' as a synonym for 'said' is punishable by death in most developed nations. This snippet also reads a lot like parts of chapter 1 of this story, which makes sense considering you wrote it.

 
Ron ejaculated loudly in book 5 in Umbridge's first class. It stuck to my memory precisely because it was that dumb. And I did this kind of clunky dialogue a lot more in first two stories.
 

I can't spend ten hours​ on a project without abandoning it, so I do admire your dedication.

 

 
 Ambition does breed pretension. 


Yugioh the Dark Dimension

 

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