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Inside the Acclaimed Writer and Directors Studio


M. Night Shyamalan

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As part of my contractual obligation efforts to learn more about your culture, I open myself, acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan, to your questions. From "The Sixth Sense" (1999) to the upcoming "Glass" (TBA), my work has shaped the cultural landscape like no other acclaimed writer or director, and if I could share with all of you just a fraction of my knowledge this whole exercise would be a success in my visionary's eyes.

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Did you ever issue a public apology for producing the spawn that is James Cameron?  I blame all of his awful movies on you.

 

I'm sorry but I don't quite understand what you are asking me, as you will have no trouble finding that acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan; who I am, is neither father nor mother to mediocre writer and director James Cameron whose body of work features such films as "Deepsea Challenge 3D" (2014) and "Rambo: First Blood Part II" (1985), and as such cannot claim to have played any part in his "spawning". 

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Would you be interested in possibly doing a biopic on me, and my rise to power, when my term nears its end? I had a biography writer on my staff, but he got a bit squirrely.

 

No. I, acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan, am not here to talk business.

 

How exactly did you get your fame, with directing abilities like those?

 

What the funk did you just funking say about me, you little sheet? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class at the Tisch School of Arts, and I've been involved in numerous indie film projects, and I have over 3 awards for my screenwriting. I am trained in cinematography and I'm the top director in the entire Indian-American film-making community. You are nothing to me but just another potential customer. I will wipe your mind the funk out with plot twists the likes of which have never been seen before on this Earth, mark my funking words. You think you can get away with saying that sheet to me over the Internet? Think again, funker. As we speak I am contacting my network of contacts across the USA and your film-watching habits and preferences are being analysed right now so you better prepare for the story of a lifetime, maggot. The perfectly formed storm of entertainment that wipes out your need to consume any other media again. Your search for the finest piece of media ever created is funking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can baffle you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my editing. Not only am I extensively trained in unmounted camera usage, but I have access to the entire technological arsenal of the Hollywood Writers Guild and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your thirst for an amazing plot full of twists, turns, and compelling characters off the face of the continent, you little sheet. If only you could have known what unparalleled jubilation your little clever comment was about to bring down upon hundreds of thousands of cinema-goers, maybe you would have held your funking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will sheet quality entertainment all over you and you will drown in it. You're funking welcome, kiddo.

 

Yo, M. Night, you and Michael Bay should get together and make a Metal Gear Solid movie. Cast Johnny Depp as Snake.

 

You know I hear this a lot, "Acclaimed director M. Night Shyamalan, you should collaborate with Michael Bay"; "Legendary lover M. Night Shyamalan, why don't you work with Michael Bay?"; "Famed political activist M. Night Shyamalan, why haven't you teamed up with mediocre writer and director Michael Bay?". The answer is quite simple, I don't have time for mediocre writers and directors like Michael Bay, known for such films as "Transformers" (2007), "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" (2009), "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" (2011), "Transformers: Age of Extinction" (2014), and "Transformers: The Last Knight" (2017). I only have time for acclaimed writers and directors, such as M. Night Shyamalan; myself.

 

 

 

When we talk about "The Last Airbender" (2010), it's really inevitable that the conversation eventually turn to audiobooks and the best place to find them. For me, acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan, more often than not I find the answer to be audible.com. No matter what your favourite genre, audible have you covered with their wide range of books encompassing both fiction and non-fiction from all manner of authors from every corner of the globe. Plus, if you sign up now using the discount code "thehappeningfoty", you'll get a 30 day free trial of their premium service.

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What's your favorite movie that wasn't direct or written by you?

 

They say that film is an art form, but speaking as acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan, I tend to find any work in which I am not involved unworthy of that title. With that in mind, the body of work available as a choice in response to this question is limited. Of the qualifying options I will have to go for "A Pizza Story" (2008).

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If you directed a movie about YCM, who would be the main characters and who would you cast?

 

I'm sorry but as acclaimed a writer and director as I, acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan, am, I can't write a story about something I haven't studied in-depth for at least three days and I've only been here a little under two. Come back to me later on that one if you're still interested and I may be able to answer it for you.

 

Your hair looks soft. Is it?

 

You have no idea how many people approach me and say "Acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan, what delightfully curled locks you have, may I indulge myself in the touching of them?". To those I say "Of course! Anything for fans of acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan!". I have yet to have any complaints in the softness department anywhere on my body.

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What about the hardness department? 

 

Haha! Though I appreciate the joke I would like to make it clear that I, critically acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan, do NOT suffer from erectile dysfunction and have not for over three years.

 

Mr Shyamalan you say that you are an acclaimed writer and director, but are you a critically acclaimed writer and director?

 

When you've been an acclaimed writer and director as long as I, acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan, have, you come to learn one thing above all else, and that is that critics are almost entirely uneducated on what true art is and they will often bash that which they simply do not understand. This has happened countless times with my work, from "The Happening" (2008) to "Stuart Little" (1999) to "Devil" (2010), all films that enjoyed a massively positive public reception but were subject to targeted, co-ordinated, vindictive critical slandering by jealous failures who can't create entertainment of their own yet feel entitled to mock and deride excellent movies created by the likes of me, acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan.

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Will you ever make a movie about yourself?

 

This is a question I get asked a lot and I have to say that, speaking as acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan, I am disappointed that my fanbase appear to be so dimwitted. The fact that all of my movies are in some way autobiographical, with perhaps the most obvious example being "Stuart Little" (1999), which was essentially the story of my childhood as soon-to-be acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan.

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How would you end this whole "Godzilla attacks YCM" thing if you were writing it?

 

What an excellent question! It's about time I'm forced to demonstrate why I am an acclaimed writer and director.

 

If I, acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan, were writing the story of this Godzilla attack, I would firstly have him succeed in his efforts to do whatever it is he's looking to; destroy everything, kill every member, whatever. Then, just when all seems lost, he starts to violently shake, convulsing and writhing on the floor as if possessed as music slowly builds and the camera pans away, around the devastated city of YCMetropolis, and then returns to what is now revealed to have been a Godzilla suit discarded on the floor and the camera follows a trail of blood leading out from it to a foot, and as the camera pans upward to reveal YCMaker's silhouette we cut to black and roll credits with some dramatic dubstep playing over it.

 

Not a question.

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Mr. Shyamalan.  I love horror movies.  Do you have any horror projects in the works that you can disclose?

 

I shouldn't be saying this, but yes. I, acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan, have actually been working on a script for a more mature reboot of Stuart Little that would be heavily influenced by horror classics "The Exorcist" (1973) and "The Happening" (2008). I can't say any more yet but early signs are positive.

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If I, acclaimed writer and director M. Night Shyamalan, were writing the story of this Godzilla attack, I would firstly have him succeed in his efforts to do whatever it is he's looking to; destroy everything, kill every member, whatever. Then, just when all seems lost, he starts to violently shake, convulsing and writhing on the floor as if possessed as music slowly builds and the camera pans away, around the devastated city of YCMetropolis, and then returns to what is now revealed to have been a Godzilla suit discarded on the floor and the camera follows a trail of blood leading out from it to a foot, and as the camera pans upward to reveal YCMaker's silhouette we cut to black and roll credits with some dramatic dubstep playing over it.

 

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I confused.

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