Astolfo Posted April 25, 2018 Report Share Posted April 25, 2018 Part I “Ehehe~♪” A young girl with long, silvery hair giggled as she skipped down the sidewalk quickly. Spinning on her heel, she struck a silly pose at the man accompanying her, her fingers splayed out wide. Her azure eyes dazzled even in the evening dusklight, matching her radiant grin. The man’s features were almost a perfect mirror of hers, but with medium-length, dark azure hair instead. Smiling warmly in return, he flashed her a thumbs up. “That dress you picked earlier looks good on you, X1.” The girl giggled again abashedly, returning to his side and clasping onto his hand. Tugging him along, she pointed down the street towards a bright, pastel-colored confectionary shop. “Can we go there, Y1?” He sighed, clicking his tongue. “You’ll ruin your lunch appetite,” Seeing her face fall, he relented. “After dinner, alright?” X1’s expression brightened up again instantly as she hugged his arm. “I’m hungry.”“Yes, yes, let’s go eat now.” X1 jumped over the hood of one car, running on top of another, before skipping over towards a street car, grabbing several trays laden with food off the counter and hopping back towards the closest seat. Picking up a few bowls from a table in the nearby restaurant, Y1 followed suit, joining her. Her eyes were closed as she hummed to herself, swinging her feet back and forth gently as she took alternating bites of fritters and small balls of fried chicken. “It tastes so good~ Aah-mmf~” Her partner seemed to be enjoying his meal as well, which consisted of fried noodles, grilled chicken, and meatball soup. The two ate in silence, savoring the flavors and enjoying the warm, breezy weather. Appreciatively sipping on the broth, Y1 chuckled softly as he saw X1 busily making her way through her meal. “Don’t eat too fast, you’ll give yourself a stomachache.” The girl shoveled the last of the balls of fried chicken into her mouth before looking up curiously, her mind still processing. “Oh.” She grabbed a cup of water, drinking slowly. “Well it’s okay since you’re always here for me! Are you done yet?” Her partner glanced at the remainder of his meal. Taking a few more bites to finish his own meal, he nodded, standing up. “I suppose I am. Lead me along, princess~♪” Pushing his seat in, he followed Y1 as she ran down the streets, leaping from foot to foot. The two arrived within just a few minutes, staring at the large decorative glass doors. Knocking on them slightly, Y1 spoke up. “Excuse us.” X1 laughed, pushing him gently in the chest. “You’re so weird. There’s never anyone.” Dancing around the tables, X1 pressed her face against the glass, eyeing the cakes and other treats held within. Her mouth watered as she glanced back and forth between the desserts and her partner. “I caaan’t tell which one to try fiiirst!” Y1 ruffled her hair, shrugging. “Who knows? Just pick one randomly and try it. How about that one?” He pointed at a small slice of a white-creamed cake, rich and fluffy, with various fruits adorning it, and a large half of a strawberry at the base. Nodding, the girl leapt over the counter, pulling open the door in the back and grabbing the slice of cake. Hopping back over, she ran over towards Y1’s side. “Try it with me, Y1!”“Alright, alright~♪” He watched as X1 carved out a scoop with a spoon, holding it out towards him. “You’re giving me the first piece? You’re sure being generous today, X1.” The girl pouted. “What’s that supposed to mean now?” Y1 laughed goodheartedly, ruffling her hair again. “S-Stop that!” “Alright, alright. Aah~” The man opened his mouth, letting X1 put the spoon in his mouth. Closing his mouth, he savored the flavor appreciatively. “It’s good, you should try it too. Your turn.” Taking the spoon from her, he did the same, holding out a spoonful of the cake, this time, laden with several chunks of fruit. Nodding, X1 spread open her mouth, closing her eyes as she closed down on the spoon, eating it slowly. She licked the spoon clean before opening her mouth again, letting it free. “That was amazing, Y1! You always have the best ideas, ehehe~♪” Each of the two took alternating bites of the cake until the plate was left empty. Sitting back in her chair, X1 let out a loud, content sigh, closing her eyes. Y1 stood up, taking the plate and setting it on the counter, before walking over behind X1, peering over her shoulder. “Where do you want to go now?” She leaned back, looking up into his eyes, slowly tilting her head from side to side. “Hmmm…~ The park!” “The park it is then.” Reaching out, Y1 waited for the petite girl to take his hand before leading her out the door, closing it behind the two of them. As her lustrous hair took to flight as she ran down the street, Y1 paused, staring at the sky, his expression indecipherable. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he ran after her, calling out cheerily. “Wait up, X1!”“Last one there’s a rotten egg!” As the two skidded to a halt just in front of the park gates, they leaned against the railing as they simultaneously took a moment to catch their breath, before breaking down into infectious laughter. “Ahaha, I’d perchance say I won that one.”“Nyahaha, no way! You gave me too big of a headstart, teehee~!” Getting up, X1 hopped over towards the swing. “Push me, push me!” She smiled brightly, her grin shining. Smiling back, Y1 stretched out his back and arms a few times before walking over behind her. He placed his palms against her back gently, pushing her softly to start the swing going, then slowly harder, more moderate pushes. Y1 hopped on the swing next to her, kicking himself into a running swing start, matching X1’s pace after a bit of work. As the air rushed past their cheeks, he called out loudly towards her. “This feels wonderful, wouldn’t you say?”“Yeaaaah~! Wooohoooo!” Swinging back and forth, the two returned to silence as they both relaxed, letting their mind drift yonder. As the swings slowly settled down, the words returned. “Hey… Y1. Time’s… almost up, isn’t it?” X1 slowly swung back and forth, her eyes glued to the ground. He stared up towards the sky, not replying. “...That’s… probably the case. Father will make it night soon. We should return.” His voice was calm and steady. Her hands tightened around the metal links, the chains rattling softly. “Will we… be able to do this again?” Y1 slowly stood up, walking over towards X1 and embracing her softly as he lifted her out of the swing-seat. “Of course. We are the world’s coolest duo, as you’ve said before, after all. Here, you should write it down.” Setting her down on the nearby park bench, he pulled a well-worn journal out from an inner pocket, its pages faded, his face warm as he glanced at it. Flipping to the newest blank page, he set it open in front of her, handing her a pencil. As she scribbled away focused on the paper, jotting down her thoughts and adding rudimentary sketches, Y1 observed her calmly, his eyes soft and kind. “I’m done!” Her usual beaming smile had returned to her face. Taking the journal and pencil from her, he tucked it away neatly once more in his inner pockets. “Good job. What did you write?” She leaned against him, closing her eyes tiredly. “All the fun things that happened today, and a wish! I can’t tell you though, or it won’t come true, so no looking!” Patting her head softly, Y1 spoke. “Get on my back, I’ll carry you home. I’m sure your legs are sore.” Turning around, he leaned down so she could get on his back, before standing up slowly. Taking one last glance at the park behind him, he looked forward, walking down the road. “Subjects X1 and Y1 have returned from the Room.” The room was inky black, with only the dozens of television screens hanging high above the floor for lighting. An artificial voice alert sounded from one of the intercom speakers. Y1 knelt down on one knee, lowering his head, X1 still sound-asleep on his back. Footsteps could be heard as another figure approached. “We have returned, Father.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darj Posted April 25, 2018 Report Share Posted April 25, 2018 [spoiler=Thoughts]It has a good start. It got me engaged, although I soon got a bit lost on the part of when they got their food. Perhaps you should be a bit more descriptive there. For instance, I didn't even picture a place where they sat to eat. Also I found X1 jumping and running over cars as sudden and bold.Then I found something was amiss: they were not paying for their food. Even if they didn't interact with other people either, that can be implied, but not paying gave off that something was going on there, especially when you want as far as to mention that Y1 returned the plate to the counter, and yet didn't bother with dropping a few bucks. This threw me off for a bit and made me re-read the paragraphs in case I missed it, but nope, no payments at all. Of course, it made sense later on, as this appears to be some kind of simulation. Still, I bet you wouldn't want readers going back and forth with the text. Once they were done with the cake and went to the park, the text flowed more smoothly for me. So, it is the rough start what IMO needs some polishing. But after that, I think you are on the right track. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astolfo Posted April 25, 2018 Author Report Share Posted April 25, 2018 Thanks for the feedback! [spoiler=Response]Will do on the descriptiveness. As for the parts seeming 'off', it was intentional, although I probably did it badly.It was meant to seem normal and happy and cute, but have little things that were 'off', suggesting it wasn't quite that way.Such as hinting X1 and Y1 were the only people in each of the buildings, them just taking the food, X1 calling Y1 weird when he said "Excuse me," after entering a store, Father "making" it night, etc. Thanks for the feedback, it always helps to have another angle.Will take it all into consideration for revisements and future chapters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mitchermitcher Posted April 25, 2018 Report Share Posted April 25, 2018 I can't tell how unnatural the two calling each other with such short names is supposed to be. Are they conditioned to think names like X1 are normal, or is it actually the norm in whatever society this is? The ambiguity is likely intentional but it doesn't help to paint a picture of the kind of world this takes place in. And because the descriptions are so sparse, I can't tell if this is supposed to be some futuristic world, or some isolated place in the modern day but that's a separate problem. If them calling each other X1 or Y1 is supposed to be unnatural, then narrate how they don't feel weirded out saying the names out loud like that, and if it's very normal then it wouldn't be weird if they began resorting to nicknames that sound like their names instead since they seem to be so close (or if they insist on using each others' real names out of respect then narrate or show that). On to the world, due to the lack of descriptions it's very hard to picture it. Cars, trays, counters, and restaurants are mentioned but nothing is given a physical description to show if this world's architecture and technology is from our time or later. Whether they use wooden bowls or synthetic plastic bowls change how the rest of the undescribed environment will be pictured, for example, or describing whether the car is old and busted or futuristic and featureless goes a long way as well. Describing the notebook as old doesn't achieve this effect because it seems like a fairly important item, that could actually contrast the rest of the environment and not be a problem. I guess if you want to you can choose not to describe the world and leave things ambiguous but when it's difficult to picture the world around them it's also difficult to focus on the characters or what they're doing. Since it's so short I'm not sure there's much else to say. The characters haven't been established beyond being people who enjoy each other's presence and the girl being more childish. There's no real reason to like them yet but since the text is so short there's no reason to expect them to be likable or even distinct as characters yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darj Posted April 25, 2018 Report Share Posted April 25, 2018 Oh, they are the definitive names? I assumed they were placeholders while you thought about names for them xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astolfo Posted April 26, 2018 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2018 The only names they were given were X1/Y1/the name “Father”, and haven’t really met anyone else before that was named to them, so they don’t consider it unusual. Will do on the note of the detail. And yeah I had been sort of just super excited to post it before realizing there wasn’t much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mitchermitcher Posted April 29, 2018 Report Share Posted April 29, 2018 no offense but looking at past CW threads i doubt you'll continue this past this first snippet. with that said, if you actually do continue this particular one, i'll give the next 'chapter' a read and my thoughts too. no guarantees for any new chapters beyond the next one, or any other new work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astolfo Posted April 29, 2018 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2018 I am continuing this one and revised the first chapter, but have decided to make it a private project, apologies. Don't worry, it's not from critique or such, it's just other real-life/personal reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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