Brony Friendzone Reviews Solo: A Star Wars Story
Dastardly Disney once more ruined my childhood. Solo: A Star Wars Story is another pernicious progressive propaganda cash grab. I could barely watch the malicious movie, as my beloved Hand Solo is no longer properly portrayed by the rugged rascal stud Indiana Jones but instead by some babyfaced miserable millennial! How dare people call this monstrous mess a Star Wars movie! No Luke Starkiller, no cool lightsaber fights, no Dark Vader, no Je’daii, not even the Schwartz! And the Millennial Falcon looks different!
Nothing that remotely resembles a Star Wars movie can be seen! I don’t see any epic heroes in this movie, just some ghastly gangster movie about a hustler and a prostitute. I did not pay fifteen dollars and two hours of my time to see the Godfather! If I wanted to watch Grand Theft Auto, I would play it at home or see great gag videos on YouTube. The plot is better anyway!
The synopsis is as follows, and I don’t care about spoiler warnings you sensitive snowflakes. A hustler named Hand Solo and a prostitute named Kira escape from their hometown Detroit, but nobody is black. Hand joins the United States Armed Forces, gets kicked out because he can’t be brainwashed, befriends a giant dog named Barf, then joins a pirate gang led by Long John Silver and Angela Davis; all this happens in five fast minutes. The pirate gang boards a train to Siberia in a daring dastardly heist, but they fail to get the kerosene, which you need to make cocaine. Don’t ask me how I know this, CIA! I know you’re watching me through my computer!
Since the pirate gang serves a drug cartel linked to the CIA, this is bad news for Hand and company. The careless crew land at a strip club: cartel headquarters. Long John makes pathetic excuses to John Dryden, his boss, while Hand catches up with Kira. While Hand screwed around with pirates, Kira became a catchy courtesan and sneakily shacked up with Dryden to live a better life. Hand proposes a mission redo, doing a mining heist to get a magic mineral known as quacksium; it sounds like something out of Duck Tales but somehow makes better cocaine. Don’t ask me how it works! I swear I don’t know!
Hand befriends A Pimp Named Landlow and takes him with Barf, Kira, and Long John through a perilous passage to some country in Africa where you get blood diamonds. Hand gets the quacksium, and the gang rushingly rush back to headquarters to deliver the goods. Lots of irritating intrigue happens at this point, full of reversals, double reversals, triple reversals, and quadruple subversions. Long story short to save you any tedious time trouble: Hand kills Long John by shooting first and Kira kills her pimp Dryden by taking advantage of man’s greatest weakness: woman. Kira becomes the new crime boss, and now must answer directly to the director of the CIA. Hand and Barf catch up with A Pimp Named Landlow to beat him at poker.
I would give this tragic travesty of a fallacious film a one out of ten. It looks nothing like the Star Wars I love while trying to be Grand Theft Auto, the Godfather, Blood Diamond, Eight Mile, and that one CIA movie starring Tom Cruise. By the Schwartz, the movie even has a freakishly feminist robot who lectures me about oppression! I don’t know what to make of this mess! My brain, my sharp sapience, my central flawless faculty for reason and rational discourse, is melting as I speak! That haggard harpy, Kathleen Kennedy, ruined by precious childhood so much she will send me into a ravenous rage! I will write a scathing review at Rotten Tomatoes at once!
- Darius Reilly the Nerd Rage Ranter
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MewMew3Member Since 26 Sep 2012
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Works with books. Hoping to get something published.
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- Age 26 years old
- Birthday December 7, 1991
YGO fanfiction, music, Super Mario.
03 June 2018 - 02:31 PM
Brony Friendzone Reviews Solo: A Star Wars Story
28 May 2018 - 08:51 PM
no my dood, this is how it goes my dood
tier ascended: Sawatari
tier 0: THE CHAZZ aka SANDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
tier 0.1: bandit keith, pegasus, rex (dinosaur)
tier 9999: everyone else
tier 10000: rex (earthbound immortals)
15 April 2018 - 12:43 PM
@Dova, I'm not making this into a zero sum game. I thought of other ways Yugioh could be played. It does not preclude the current game in any way. For instance, I thought of (somehow) hosting Forbidden Memories or Duelists of the Roses tournaments, but that doesn't mean I'll go demolish the card shop next door. I won't go Kim Jung Il (or Michael Pence - pick your poison) and make my Yugioh the only Yugioh in the world.
I'm "fixing" Yugioh for my fanfics. In these first writings, the meta in the fanfics matches the meta in real life. In Season One, the meta is like our meta in 2004-2008, hence all the Chaos Control, Monarchs, and DAD decks. In Season Two, the meta is like our meta in 2015-2016, hence all the Turbo Towers and Draco pendulum stuff. Season Three, the meta is like our meta in 2017-2018, with all the new link monsters. My main characters tend to use rogue decks, and you can't go rogue if there is no meta to go rogue against.
Only problem is the duels look terrible on the page and focus is taken away from conflict and character development. They would look better in animation or live action, because the format would be visual, meaning no word clutters, but the chances of that happening are almost zero. So I have to make some kind of compromise or make the fanfic meta more like the anime meta, but still somehow have it resemble real life meta. Welcome to my world.
Each individual idea completely breaks 90% of Yu-Gi-Oh, so you would have to get rid of most of the current gamestate. Less of Yu-Gi-Oh, more of an original card game that uses some cards.
I'm aware of that, hence my first paragraph. I notice Duel Links looks like it's revamping the game from the ground up. The developers are crafting Duel Links meta in a very careful way. To each his own, really.
Basically, you mention it in your original post, but you don't seem to say if you are actually doing it or not; do you want to remove a large portion of the current TCG card pool, or work around most of it?
I did say they were just thoughts I mulled over on a Saturday afternoon. I doubt I would put my ideas in action beyond my fanfics. If I did, I would just make different forms of Yugioh that would coexist together. I play whatever kind of Yugioh I want depending on my mood, like how I play a different installment of Mario Party whenever I feel like it.
People online tend to react very strongly to me online. I guess it's because I sound aggressive and radical when I don't mean to.
15 April 2018 - 11:58 AM
I'm going to say this once, so listen well @MewMew3. While it's all well and good to disagree with someone, there is absolutely NO NEED to use insulting names for your naysayers, especially when they didn't escalate it themselves. You get one warning here, so repeat this and actions will be taken. Understood?
I thought Desperate Sellout was Metal Sonic's actual username. Apologies to him.
15 April 2018 - 12:09 AM
You hear people complain how Yugioh is broken, and it could be fixed if only they balanced out the game by banning some cards, making new ones, and so on.
You're kind of doing just that. You're pointing to certain cards and saying, "We have floodgates to help balance out the game." When I said the game is broken, I mean in its very core, the very way the game is made. Right now, card effects are too long and the game is too focused on playing solitaire during your Main Phase. No correcting of the banlist or making more floodgate cards will fix the game at this point. The only way we could possibly reverse that is if we chuck out every card except the first 1000 or so "classic" cards, but no way would anyone want to do that.
Those rules all sound too restrictive to me. Manga rules forcing me to activate only 1 kind of card per turn sounds like it could drive the game to a halt if implemented IRL.freshing to try it out.
Maybe. Maybe not. I can't say I know how the game would actually turn out, but I would find it refreshing.
DoR rules sound even worse. How would you even play that IRL without a massive map of a playmat? Would it come in different tile patterns?
DoR dueling would be best done on a computer. All that exists right now for DoR is the PS2. *shrugs*
For some reason, I have always excelled at all the Yugioh games EXCEPT the TCG. Forbidden Memories? I pushed as far as one can go without cheats. Duelists of the Roses? Same, love it. Dungeon Dice Monsters? I blitzkrieg my opponents. Capsule Monsters Chess? Call me Magnus. But the TCG? Ewwwwww...
For the anime meta bit, I think that those were made purely to make the duel look interesting because, you know, it's an anime and therefore needs to entertain. If the duels were more realistic, then I have no doubts that they would run cheaper cards like Raigeki. I mean, would you watch a 30 minute episode of main phase 1 combos for setup?
Well, Raigeki was explicitly banned in Battle City, as were Hinotama and Meteor of Destruction. That was why it was such a big deal when Marik possessed Joey, because he added all kinds of banned cards in Joey's deck.
Playing Raigeki or a 30 minute combo setup are not the only two options that exist. Most of that massive setup comes from cards having such long effects these days, especially with Monsters overshadowing Spells and Traps. On one hand, it helps all kinds of decks be more consistent. On the other hand, Konami pushed things too far.
I guess what I'm searching for is a golden mean because, in my fanfics, choreographed duels like the game in real life (with 30 minute setups and all) look terrible on the page. They end up putting technical aspects of the game in front of character development and conflict. I would like to overcome those aesthetic hurdles. Right now, the golden means seem to be Duel Links and Dark Side of Dimensions, but there must be something better.